02x03 - Meno-Junk

[bunniefuu]

Hey!

How come you’re awake?

Oh my God, night sweats.

I gave up after the eighth one

and came down here to
look at old photos.

I remember this,
I was nursing at the time

and I was losing my
mind on mat leave.

So I asked my boss Michael
if I could come back to work

and bring you.

Wait, I went to work with you?

Oh yeah, for three days.

And you screamed all day
and then I screamed all day,

and then the whole office
screamed to send us back home.

It was amazing.

Well, I won’t scream today.

You forgot.

No I didn’t!

Yeah, I did, I wanna,
I just, I’m sorry,

I’m so tired, remind me?

My media arts group is coming to
your work after school today

to learn about podcasting.

- Oh, oh, ah.
- I’m screwed!

No, no, no, no, no, no,

you’re not screwed,
you’re not screwed.

Okay, um, you’re coming with
your project group and-

And try out the equipment?

Yeah, absolutely,
sure, I got you.

Thanks, Mom.
- Ooh, oh.

A little slimy.

Yeah, I’m quite damp.

♪ I feel it all
I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it all ♪

Come on, Kris, you can do it.

And, ah, ooh, ooey.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ow.
- Uh, Mom?

Why is your boob in
the waffle maker and

what are you doing
with my charger?

Okay, listen,

so Mom booked all her
appointments in one day, yeah?

So she doesn’t get
in trouble at work.

So basically, I’m getting
some blood work done,

I’m getting an ultrasound,

and I’m getting a,
whip, boob,

a mammogram,

it’s my very first one.
But I gotta practice

so I don’t barf
at the clinic

’cause when Momma
gets nervous,

she pukes everywhere.
- You puke.

Maybe I should just
come with you.

{\an8}Oh, someone’s at the door.

{\an8}Momma’s gotta put her
sweet tight Eggos-

{\an8}- Mom, shh!
- I’m joking!

{\an8}Just don’t open the door
until my boobs are away.

Hi, ooh, uh...
- Oh my gosh.

Hey, hey, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

Hi, uh, my
name is Yule.

I am, uh, I’m, uh, the
new property manager.

Hey, I pawned those
tap shoes a month ago,

so I know what is
happenin’ here.

Is this Becky
from 103 below me?

You tell her, I’m
just walkin’ here.

I’m not tapping
no more,

she took that away
from me, okay?

Yeah, I’m just trying to
tell all the residents

that maybe they should
keep their windows open

while we work to
control a, uh,

smell problem.

Oh, my
sweet Lord above,

it smells like a cabbage
took a dump out there.

Is the garbage chute

is that all bunged
up or something?

No, sadly, uh,

one of the tenants
on the seventh floor

was found to
be deceased.

Oh my God, it’s terrible!

He must have been
rottin’ a while

’cause I can smell
him seeping through-

Yeah, well, most of the
smell, uh, luckily,

was contained to the
ensuite bathroom.

An ensuite?

So that’s
probably normally,

when those happen
in those rooms,

and-and those
are nice ones...

Is that like a two bed?

Is that a two bed unit?

Yeah.

Well, in light of the tragedy,
it’s probably, um...

It’s probably
available.

Uh, he just died.

Well, he didn’t just die,
did he, honey?

’Cause we can
smell him, right?

Honey, listen, why
don’t you go get ready?

Go get ready.

Yule is it?

Uh, yeah, uh, like the log.

Listen, I got a teen daughter
sleeping on a g*dd*mn sofa bed.

I need a two bedroom
desperately.

Now, I don’t give a crap
about terrible odours.

I’m an expert at getting B.O.
out of secondhand business wear.

Do you understand me?

Uh, maybe I-I should
just give you my number.

Yeah okay, put it in me!

On me, I’m mean,
put it on my phone.

Okay, and, uh,
then you can text me...

Mmmhmm.

And I can tell you when you
should submit an application.

You know what I’m gonna do?

I’m gonna make you my
number one priority contact,

you understand?

That’s exactly
what I’m gonna do

because I don’t wanna
miss a call from you.

Now, listen, it’s
terrible about the man upstairs,

but it really worked
out in my favour.

Can I ask you one
more question?

Do you get a break on rent

or just to compensate
for the creep factor?

I don’t know, I’m just new.

Uh, but for you, I will,
um, ahem, ask for you.

- Appreciate it.
- Oh, uh,...

Oh, I didn’t
even know I did that, so.

It’s okay.

Beh.

Oh sh*t!

Oh...

Ah!

Why is there never any
paper towel in this place?

Hm, guess this’ll have to do.

Uh, what’s with
all these post-its?

Reminders.

I am not sleeping very well

and I’m experiencing
a bit of brain fog.

Oh my God, I hear you, girl.

Hey, any top tips in there

about how to get rid
of a corpse smell?

Will answering that make
me an accessory to m*rder?

I don’t-I don’t know.

Activated charcoal,

and no, unless you’re privy
to the m*rder beforehand.

Any chance of foul play?

Uh, no clue.

But Saffron and I really,
really want that apartment.

That sounds like a motive.

Where are you going with
all that salad dressing?

My salad dressing,
my business.

Anyway, my doctor, Dr. Brenan,
we just-we just love each other,

she ordered me a bunch
of medical tests.

I’m gonna do them
all in one day,

and that way I don’t have to
take any more time off work

and I’ll be back in
time for the episode.

Oh, okay, about that, actually.

Uh, Oliver’s media arts
group is coming in today.

I totally forgot,
it’s so not like me and...

Oh my God.

What?

Today’s episode is on
breast tenderness!

Ugh, I can’t talk about
that in front of teens.

Julie, don’t worry,
teens love me.

You know why?
I can break dance.

Breast tenderness,
hard to swallow,

but you know what
isn’t hard to swallow?

The robot,

they love this.

Yeah, you know what?
Uh, that’s okay.

I think what I’ll just do

is bring them into
the podcasting booth

and let them fool around
with the recording equipment.

Not that it makes any
difference to me,

but did you run
that idea by Larry?

You know how fussy he
is about his gear.

Well, you know,

I have known Larry longer
than you’ve been alive.

I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Cool brag.

Later, boomers.

Gen X!

Hello mammas!

Get in here!

Hey, hey!

Kris, you like outfits.

Julie, I don’t know what
you like, but come, sit.

Okay.

What if aging was a lifestyle?

What if you could eat,
sleep, thrive, shop,

just be in a sisterhood
of women just like you?

What if science could
take you there?

Renowned scientist
Dr. Shelley Felterblatt

has a way to stop
aging in its tracks,

Flow with Glowee.

Glowee has the potential to
change menopause as we know it,

and they want you to
be a part of that.

I’m sorry, I’m just,
I’m a little lost.

I’m lost.

Glowee wants to be
our official sponsor.

They think there’s a fun
partnership with our podcast.

Okay, but isn’t Glowee the
brand that poisoned Kris?

Well, that was user error.

Kris could poison
herself with anything.

That’s true.
I’m havin’ a minute.

Okay, so are you pitching

that our podcast become an
infomercial for Glowee?

Oh my God, I love that
one with them knives.

Oh, they show
it late at night

and they cut a
shoe and a nickel,

and afterwards they cut a
tomato, you know that one?

Let me get this straight,

there’s like a lack of
medical research for menopause

so you’re suggesting
that we use that fact

to exploit women
who are suffering

and therefore will try anything
to feel better, is that?

You make it sound
like a bummer.

You know what?

I made some calls too

and I actually have
a wonderful list

of many, many potential clients

that are very willing
to work with us

and they have real
tactile products,

tried, tested and true.

Look what we have here.

Meno-poo, an all natural shampoo
for perimenopausal women.

Yeah.

Meno-Slacks? Denim-like
shaping pants

for women of a certain age.

Oh, here’s one, here’s one.

Meno-Cola: fun non-sweetened
flaxseed drink

for the older gals...

Yeah, they got six flavours.

It’s great.

Oh, Menopause Lawn Care Service.

I didn’t know I needed that.

Seriously?

Well, just think about it,
you know.

I am not willing to think
about sacrificing our audience

or the integrity of our
very intelligent podcast

in order to sell meno-junk.

I gotta go, I have work to do.

I gotta go because
I work with her.

Hold on, just I
can’t for one sec.

Wow.

Larry, just the
guy I wanna see.

Wow, no one ever
says that to me.

My son’s media arts
group is coming in today

and I thought maybe we could
take them into the booth,

give them a feel
for the equipment.

Nope.

But you love talking
about your equipment

and I am offering you
a c*ptive audience.

Yeah, this studio is full
of specialized equipment

worth thousands of dollars.

Okay, well, I didn’t
think it was dino dig

at the museum, Larry.

I will be there.

If any of those teens

puts their dirty little teen
fingers on my soundboard,

I will be forced to call
my very litigious union

and they will come down on you

like a sandbag on a c-stand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
okay, okay, okay.

I’ll just figure out something
else to do with the teens.

No one’s gonna
touch your de-esser

or your es-d-er or
whatever it’s called.

How dare you try to upstage me
with your flea market meno-crap!

Hi, sorry to interrupt,
am I interrupting?

Yes!

I just wanted to let you
know that I found a doctor.

♪ Hallelujah ♪

Yeah, okay.

And like a fairy godmother,

she has granted me
three lab appointments,

which in an effort to
have minimal impact

on my very important job,

I was hoping I could
do them back to back.

Thank you.

I really appreciate
you coming to tell me.

It feels nice to be respected.

You know, ’cause
earlier I felt, um,

a little attacked by Julie.

You saw that, right Evan?

Like a shark.

I wasn’t expecting this
Glowee partnership

to cause such animosity.

You know, all I want
is the best for us.

Oh, yeah yeah, me too.

So no one’s mad? Yay?

Okay, we’re good?
Let’s hug it out.

Yeah? Okay, great!

Here.

Glad we could all
work that out.

Oh. Yeah. Ha.

It’s too bad Julie hates
that Glowee partnership idea.

I don’t think that Julie
hates the idea, per se.

Oh, so you think there’s

still a chance
she’ll come on board?

I don’t know.

You think and feel

that she might still
be thinking about it?

That’s a relief.

I’ll tell Glowee.

You’ll tell Glowee?

Okay, I’ll tell Glowee.

Have a good time at
your appointment.

Be back at 3:30.

Yes. Good luck.

That’s a relief.

The studio is booked for 3:30,

but I just saw Kris
leave for an appointment.

Will she be back on time?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.

Close the door.

You would not believe
the day that I’m having.

Oliver’s class is coming

and I can’t talk to
teens about sore boobs

so I have to come up with a
whole new topic for the podcast-

And you got a stain
on your shirt!

Ugh.

Guess I don’t need
this post-it anymore.

Mm-mm.

What the?

Oh, what is this?

Thank you.

Don’t let Amanda see this.

No, no, no, no, no!

This is not a storage
locker for meno-junk!

Shhhhhh!!

- Meno-whiskey?
- Ah!

I am so angry right now,
I can’t even see straight!

You know, anger is
your superpower.

You’re right, Jamila.

Thank you!

Angry brainstorming,
here I come!

Meno-whiskey.

Oh yeah, okay, um...

Hey! Hello.

I’m sorry I’m late,
I’m Kris Fine.

I’m just coming
from a transvaginal.

Had the old front hole probed.

That was intense.

And then I’m here
for some blood work.

And then later on
I’m gonna get my,

eh, I’m getting my
breast smashed.

Welcome to the
sausage factory.

Actually, I should say,
’cause I’m a girl,

The Taco Hut.

Oh, you could fill
that out over there.

Over there, okay.

Nice talking, I’m sorry.
- Yeah.

Julie, some teens
are looking for you!

Oh no!

Crap, I’m screwed.

Okay, think Julie, think.

Think.

Mmmmm!

Okay, here we go.

Pretty cool, right?

Hey Mom, you ready?

Everyone’s stoked.

Um, there’s been a slight
change of plans though,

the equipment’s off limits.

What?!

Yo, what’s up?

I already told everyone

we were gonna eff
around with the mics!

Hey, don’t say eff, all right?

I still got this.
I’m a pro.

Don’t worry.
- Okay.

Hi everyone, I’m Julie.

I’m Oliver’s mom.

Does anyone have any
questions about podcasting?

Oh yeah.

When do we get to use the
equipment in the booth?

Okay, easy, Scooter.

You can’t just jump in there

and start with the equipment,
all right?

First of all, you have
to have very clean hands.

Second of all, you gotta
work your way up, okay?

It’s like "Karate Kid,"
have you ever seen that?

You know, "Wax on, wax off."

Whack off?

Dude, your mom just said
we have to whack off

to use the equipment.

Oh, I have a question.

How does this very intelligent
podcast make money?

By providing intriguing content

that our listeners can trust.

Ah, merch?!

Oh, you mean like, um, something
to sell to your audience?

That is interesting.

Something to think about.

Okay, does anyone else
have any questions?

Anyone? Nope, not you.

Well, hello!

I’m here for my mammogram!

Uh, you get to keep that on.

Thanks. Sorry. Thank God.

I was just trying to show
you how prepared I was.

Okay, great.
- Oh okay.

This shouldn’t take long.

That’s where we’re gonna?

Yeah, is it your first time?

No, no, no, it’s
not my first time.

I practiced this morning
in a waffle iron,

so I’m pretty good.
I’m ready to go.

I’m not afraid.
- Okay, great.

Let’s just get you to stand
in front of the machine.

Did you spray it with PAM first?
- No.

Did you see what I did there?
Telling jokes, you know why?

Because I’m confident and I’m
not nervous about this at all.

Okay.

Just a little casual time here,
just you and me, okay Denise?

I, uh, I don’t know what
you got going on here.

But you know what?

Here I’ve got a couple of firm
healthy apples, real tight.

I’m talking a red delicious.

You ever sink your teeth
into a crunchy red delicious?

You know what I’m
talkin’ about?

I prefer berries.

Now I don’t know what these
other women are coming in with,

with them rotten apples,

they want a bit of a squish,
but these are f*cking coconuts.

Please, Kris, just stand
in front of the machine-

Well, whoa, okay. That’s fine.

I’m gonna stand right in
front of the machine.

Yeah, we just, look,
they’re gonna go in here,

this is gonna close.

How small is this
is gonna get?

It gets pretty small.

Like this small?
- Uh huh.

Smaller?
- Uh huh?

It’s going smaller?
- Uh huh.

You kidding me right now?
- Uh uh.

I have to fit my
breasts in this?

Uh huh.

- And then it stops.
- I could fit my tongue in here.

Nope, I wouldn’t do
that if I were you.

I just did it.
Oh my God, that tastes-

- I just wanna lick.
- Okay, you know what?

Kris, please just-
- You know what?

If I do, you know what?
If I lube it up,

if I lube it up it’s gonna
slide right in there.

You don’t need to.
- Oh my God, okay.

Okay, both arms.
You got this.

Deep breath.
- I got this.

Oh my God, Denise.

Gonna get you to move
in a little bit closer.

Not-not back up, okay?

We’re gonna turn your
head a little bit, okay?

Take a nice deep breath.

I’m just gonna adjust
your breasts on the shelf.

No, did you just?
You just get-

And I’m gonna close it.

Now big deep breaths.

- Oh my God.
- Try to stay still and relax.

Denise, Denise, Denise!
No, I gotta pull out!

- Oh my God!
- Don’t pull out!

Kris, don’t pull out,
just stay where...

As you know our podcast
is about menopause,

which is kinda like
a second puberty,

which is something I’m
sure that all of you,

uh, some of you,

maybe not you, sorry,

can relate to that.

Uh, so what is puberty?

It’s hormones,

it’s-it’s changing bodies, um...

Does anyone want to, um, share
any stories about puberty?

Okay, well, you know what?

I’m having a day,
I can go first, um...

Real talk, I’m tired.

Today I’m very tired.

Moody, oh yeah, I’m moody.

And acne,

I’ve got a big old zit.

Anyone else relate? Anyone?

Oh, surprising.

Great! All right.

Oh hey, what about this?

Does anyone ever
have brain fog?

That’s a big one.

We have excess sweating,
I’m doing that right now.

The struggle is real.

Facial hair,
I got a little moustache,

some of you do too.

What else? Oh.

And a body odour,

Bit whiffy in here,
guys, bit whiffy.

All right, problems
with, woo, authority.

Stupid Amanda.

Okay, how ’bout these?

Oh my God, Mom!

So embarrassing.

It’s so bad.

That’s so bad, dude.

That’s more painful
than I thought.

Oh, sorry, passed out.

Oh.

Oh my God.

Did-did ya get the other boob?

Oh, I’m not sure. Uh...

She’s wondering if you
got the other breast?

Uh, no.

No.

She’s gonna have to come back.

Oh, you’re gonna
have to come back.

What are you doing here?

Uh...

Oh, luckily your, uh, phone
was in your back pocket,

so we were able to reach
your priority contact.

My priority, okay, oh no.

Oh my God, oh no,
oh no, oh no!

No, no, no, no, no, no!
They just-

Hey, they just said you were
in some level of distress.

They did? That is so weird
’cause I’m absolutely fine.

Look at me, hello,
I’m fine, bye!

You don’t need a ride home?

Oh my God, are you kidding me?

I brought my 10-speed,
it’s so nice-

No, I’m gonna drive
you home, okay?

You just take as much
time as you need.

I’m just gonna wait outside.

Can I help you up?

Oh, I don’t feel so good.

All right, one, two, three.

Ah, oh, just no.
- Okay, no, okay.

I got ya.

Fan your hands out.
Fan your hands out, sir.

- Okay.
- Okay.

The paper’s on the-

Denise, can you put it in the,
put it in the, put it in the...

- Okay.
- Okay.

There, you good?
Everyone’s good?

- Okay.
- Okay, see you later.

Denise, thank you so much.

- Thanks.
- It was lovely meeting you.

Yeah. Oh-
Thanks, Denise.

Keep to the right,
keep to the right.

Oh, no, no, no, our
class is not dismissed!

Teens back in!

Want the teens back in

because I know a thing or
two about tender breasts.

Do you guys like breakdancing?

’Cause look what I...

Man, this menopause
sh*t is rough!

Julie?

Julie, I’m sorry I’m late,
it’s just that I passed out.

And then I passed out again
and then I barfed a little.

Listen, can I ask
you a question?

Do my t*ts look
longer than before?

It’s over.

Oh.

I take it it didn’t go well?

Ha. It really didn’t. You-

I got vomit on myself.

I’m just gonna have to
borrow a shirt later.

Mmmhmm.
- Okay.

Totally.

I could use a drink, you?

Yeah, yeah, that’s a good mix,
vomit and whiskey.

Yeah.

Oh, Julie, I’m
gonna lose my job.

This is the third
recording I’ve missed.

Fourth, actually.
We didn’t record today.

Oh yes, you screwed up too.

That’s perfect for me.

Mm, you have no idea.

I feel so unhinged right now.

I don’t even recognize myself.

I had a hot flash

and I showed my t*ts to
Oliver’s media arts club.

Well Julie, good news
is you got great t*ts!

You got beautiful big boobies
that he will be proud of, okay?

Now look at this,

I got a taffy situation
going on here.

They’ve never been longer!

Yeah, you do, you do.

But this is about
me right now.

Mmmhmm.

I think I finally have to
admit to myself that, uh,

menopause is kicking my a*s.

So I’m gonna do it.

I’m gonna start HRT.

Oh my God, how was your day?

Good, really fine.
It was fine.

Just keeping it tight.

Hey.

You waited for me?

Ah, it’s no problem.

It’s a nice car you have.

It’s good, it’s a low one.

It’s a low, it’s a low rider,

Very nice.

I like your spoiler,
sir, ha-ha.

I like your car.

Thanks.

You okay?

Me? Yeah, I’m good.
I’m cool.

Do you wanna go for a drive?

Yeah.

Let me get that for you.

I think I smell.

I don’t care.

♪ Take me out

♪ When I get home

♪ For the first time I
really don’t feel alone

♪ Or anything sad

♪ Or anything profound

♪ I just feel gentle

♪ Like the drugs I do
when you’re not around

♪ Gentle like the drugs ♪