01x04 - Chapter Four: Battle of the Wits

[bunniefuu]

[LAUGHING]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

[SWORDS CLACKING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, you're using

Bonetti's defense against me.

I thought it fitting,

considering the rocky terrain.

Oh, but you expect me

to use Capo Ferro, huh?

Naturally. I find Thibault

cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?

♪

That is true.

Unless your enemy has

studied their Agrippa.

Which I have.

♪

You're wonderful.

Thank you. I've

worked hard to become so.

I admit it. You're better than I am.

- Then why are you smiling?

- Because I know something you don't.

And what is that?

I'm not left-handed.

♪

- You are amazing.

- I ought to be after 20 years.

Then there's something

I ought to tell you.

Tell me.

I'm not left-handed either. [GRUNTS]

♪

[GRUNTING]

Who are you?

No one of consequence.

I gotta know.

Get used to disappointment.

Okay.

♪

[GROANS]

Just k*ll me quickly.

I would as soon destroy

a stained-glass window

as an artist like yourself.

However, since I can't have

you follow me around either

[GRUNTS]

Please understand I hold

you in the highest respect.

[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS]

Inconceivable!

All right, give her to me.

Catch up with us quickly.

What do I do?

Y you finish him.

Finish him your way.

Oh, my way.

Which way is my way?

Pick up one of those rocks.

In a few minutes, the man in

black will come around the bend.

When you see his face, the

moment you see his face,

you smash it with the rock!

Get it together! Let's go.

My way is not very sportsmanlike.

♪

[CLATTERING]

Did that on purpose.

- I didn't have to miss.

- So what happens now?

We face each other, as God intended.

Sportsmanlike.

No tricks, no weapons.

Frankly, I think the odds are

slightly in your favor at hand fighting.

Not my fault I'm the

biggest and the strongest.

What do I do?

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

Look, are you just fiddling

around with me or what?

I want you to feel

as if you're doing well.

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

- You're quick.

- It's a good thing, too.

Why do you wear a mask?

Oh no, I just think

they're terribly comfortable.

I think everyone will be

wearing them in the future.

[FEZZIK GROANS]

I just figured out why

you give me so much trouble.

- [GROANS]

- [GRUNTS]

And why is that, do you think?

It's been so long since

I fought just one person.

I specialize in groups.

Battling gangs for local charities.

That type of thing.

Why should that make such a difference?

You use different moves when

you're fighting half a dozen people

than when you just

have to worry about one.

I don't envy the headache

you'll have when you awake.

In the meantime, rest well

and dream of large women.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

There was a mighty duel.

Two masters.

The battle raged all over.

Who won? How did it end?

The loser

went off alone.

The winner followed these

footsteps towards Guilder.

- Should we track them both?

- The loser is nothing.

Only the princess matters.

This is clearly all set up

by the warriors of Guilder.

We must be ready for

whatever lies ahead.

Could it be a trap?

I always think

everything could be a trap.

It's why I'm still alive.

[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

So, it is down to you

and it is down to me.

If you wish her dead, by all

means keep moving forward.

Let me explain.

There's nothing to explain.

You're trying to kidnap

what I've rightfully stolen.

Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.

There can be no arrangement

and you're k*lling her.

If there can be no arrangement,

then we are at an impasse.

I'm afraid so. I can't

compete with you physically

and you're no match for my brains.

You're that smart?

Have you heard of

Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

Yes.

- Morons.

- Really?

In that case, I challenge

you to a battle of wits.

For the princess?

To the death?

I accept. [LAUGHS]

Then pour the wine.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

♪

Inhale this, but do not touch.

I smell nothing.

What you do not smell

is called iocane powder.

It is odorless, tasteless,

dissolves completely in water,

and is one of the more

deadly poisons known to man.

Hmm.

♪

[CHUCKLES]

Now, where is the poison?

The battle of wits has begun.

It ends when you choose

and we both drink.

And we will find out who

is right and who is dead.

Well, it's all so simple.

All I need do is divine

from what I know of you.

Are you the sort of man that would

put the poison into his own goblet

or his enemy's?

Now, a clever man would put

the poison into his own goblet

knowing that only a great fool

would take what was given to him.

So I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of you.

But I'm not a great fool.

You would have counted on it

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of me.

- You've made your decision then?

- Not remotely!

Because iocane comes from

Australia as everyone knows,

and Australia is entirely

peopled with criminals.

And criminals are used to

people not trusting them

as you are not trusted by me.

So I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of you.

Truly you have a dizzying intellect.

Wait till I get going!

- Where was I?

- Australia.

Yes, Australia!

And you would have suspected

that I knew of the powder's origin

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of me.

- You're just stalling now.

- You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

You've beaten my giant,

which must mean that

you're exceptionally strong.

So you could put the

poison in your own goblet

counting on your strength to save you.

But you also bested my Spaniard

which means you must have studied,

and in studying, you

learned that man is mortal

so you would have put the poison as

far away from yourself as possible

so I can clearly not choose

the wine in front of me!

You're trying to trick me

into giving something away.

- It won't work.

- It has worked!

You've given everything away.

I know where the poison is.

- Then make your choice.

- I will!

And I choose what in

the world can that be?

What? Where?

I don't see anything.

Oh, I I could have

sworn I saw something.

Oh, well, no matter.

[CHUCKLING]

What's so funny?

I'll tell you in a minute

But first, let's drink.

You from your glass and me from mine.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

You guessed wrong.

You only think I guessed

wrong. That's what's so funny!

I switched glasses when

your back was turned.

[LAUGHING] You fool!

You fell victim to one

of the classic blunders,

the most well-known is this:

never get involved

in a land w*r in Asia.

But only slightly less

well-known is this:

never go in against a Sicilian

when death is on the line!

[LAUGHING]

[COUGHING]

[GROANS]

And to think, all that time it

was your cup that was poisoned.

I poisoned both the glasses.

I spent the last few years developing

an immunity to iocane powder.

PRINCE HUMPERDINCK: She's

alive. Or she was an hour ago.

If she is otherwise when I find

her, I shall be very put out.

[IMITATING HORSE'S HOOVES CLOPPING]

- Bugle, cue the bugle.

- [BUGLE PLAYS FANFARE POORLY]

Try again.