01x08 - VIII

[bunniefuu]

[BRIGHT, UPBEAT MUSIC]

MEL BROOKS:
"The Fall of the Berlin Wall".

[CROWD CHEERING]

GERMAN MAN: People here have been
living with the wall since 1961,

and now, it's time to break
the wall down, you know?

[CHISELING]

Smash harder, Hans! The other
side of this wall is freedom!

- A new life for us awaits. [LAUGHS]
- Yes!

- Hans, I have to tell you something.
- Ja.

- I'm pregnant!
- What?

With your child!

- Mine?
- Yes.

But, how...

With your p*nis.

Mein Gott, that's amazing!

Our baby will be born in a free world!

- With blue jeans on.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

- [HANS GRUNTING]
- Oh.

[YELLING]

On the other side of this wall,

there will be McDonald's everywhere!

GRETA: What a momentous day!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Wrong wall.

- O... oh, so sorry.
- Oh.

No, no, it happens all the time.

- Sorry.
- Auf wiedersehn.

Oh no!

[EPIC THEME PLAYS]

MEL: History of The World, Part II!

MEL: "The Story of Jesus,
the Council of Nicaea"

♪

In the year 325, the church gathered

their most powerful bishops
at the Council of Nicaea

in order to solidify the story of Jesus.

Their goal?

To make the Bible an
international blockbuster.

[THICK MIDWESTERN ACCENT]:
Now, we are very familiar

with the story of Jesus,

so let's just jump right
into it. How about that?

- MAN: Great.
- MODERATOR: Okay. So,

based on these marketing materials,

what do we think about this guy?

Ah, yeah! The J-Man!

That's why we're all
here, right? I loved him.

- MODERATOR: Loved him.
- Love him.

- He was great.
- Yeah, totally, really good.

To be honest, there was something
a little off about him.

- MODERATOR: Oh.
- Yeah, he wasn't totally relatable

- to me personally.
- Mm.

- Yeah.
- Say more.

His whole thing is being
good and fair, right?

So, maybe, like,

he should be fair...

and fair-skinned?

- Hm...
- MODERATOR: I just wanna make sure I'm, uh,

getting this right. You
want Jesus to be white?

- BISHOP: Huh.
- No. That's not what I'm saying.

Don't you put words in my mouth, lady.

I wasn't thinking that at all,
but now that you say it...

- I didn't say it.
- I do think that would be worth trying.

I think it really makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, that was a great idea of yours.

You know, you should
really give it a try.

Everyone just keeps saying
it's my idea. It's not my idea.

- Give it a shot!
- That was a great idea.

What did we think of his message?

RED BISHOP: I mean,
the message is great,

- but... he seemed kinda wimpy.
- Wimpy?

BISHOP: Yeah, I mean,
he's the son of God,

but he let them k*ll him. I mean,
didn't his dad teach him Krav Maga

or some sh*t? Like... [GRUNTING]

Oh. I'm trembling.

If I was Jesus, there's no way
I'd let that sh*t happen to me.

- I would f*ck those Jews up!
- [LAUGHING]

BISHOP: Always f*ck up the Jews, yeah.

Well, oh, uh, you
mean the Romans, right?

What?

You know, that's a great point.
Who are the bad guys in this story?

- Right?
- Yeah. I think it's better

if there's just one bad guy.

- I agree.
- Yes.

MODERATOR: Okay, okay.
Would you guys rather have

the villains be the Jews or the Romans?

- ALL: Jews.
- Oh.

- Make them the Jews, for sure.
- Yeah.

Th-they run everything.

- You wanna blame them for that?
- BISHOP: Yes.

- Okay.
- RED BISHOP: Before we go any further,

can we do the collection
basket? I think that's...

Oh, yes! Of course. Here we go.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Yes. Great.

- This looks nice. [LAUGH]
- Right?

RED BISHOP: Mangia, mangia.

- Oh, you're just...
- [COINS RATTLING, KISSING]

Money, money, money. I
want that money. [LAUGHS]

- Hey, hey, don't bogart that basket, pal.
- All right, all right, all right.

- [BISHOPS LAUGHING]
- MODERATOR: Oh, my God,

you're all gonna roast in
Hell. Every single one of you.

Let's talk about... Mary Magdalene.

That really scares me.

Oh, so hot! That was the mom, right?

Nope, the other Mary. Is that
confusing that there's two Marys?

- Yeah. I missed that.
- Very. Very.

Oh, you did? So maybe,
we should change it up.

Do you have a name you
prefer for the other Mary?

I don't even know if I know
any other women's names.

I do have one idea, just
to give a little texture.

- Yes! [LAUGHS]
- It's the year 325.

- Let's give her a job.
- I love this.

I would just make her a prost*tute.

- Oh.
- BISHOP: I think that's good. Yeah.

I'm saying that as a father of
daughters. I think it's a good thing.

Honestly, not to pat
ourselves on the back,

but I do think we're, uh,
being pretty progressive

giving Mary a career, right?

Yes, that is the
first... word I think of

when I think of all
of you, is progressive.

We're breaking the
stained glass ceiling.

MODERATOR: You know what? I am
gonna get all these good thoughts

to the Pope, he's gonna confer with God,

and then we are gonna
have a brand new version

of Christianity coming soon.

If you do see the Pope, please
tell him I said hi. He's a friend.

Oh, no. He'd never talk
to me 'cause I'm a woman.

[LIGHT DRUMMING]

MEL: "Teddy Roosevelt"

MALE ANNOUNCER: Tired of your
pals calling you a pantywaist?

[OLD-TIMEY MUSIC]

Gone from fab to flab?

Then, scrooch up...

[EAGLE SCREECHES] with America's
most hard-boiled president.

[CLANG] Not that one.

We're talking about the
w*r hero, boxing champ,

big-game hunting, wilderness exploring,

kept giving a speech
after getting shot,

- 26th president of these United States...
- [BELL RINGING, WHIP CRACKS]

- Teddy Roosevelt!
- [ROARING]

It's your boy, T. Rose,

the trust-buster and the gut-buster,

and I'm here to get
you absolutely shredded!

MALE ANNOUNCER: With a brand
new series of phonographs

for aerobic athletics and calisthenics,

where you'll learn to...

build muscle!

Roosevelt muscle!

[YELLING]

MALE ANNOUNCER: Burn fat!

I'm not much of a cardio boy,

but you need to get a sweat going.

So, grab your big stick,
swing it all around

and give it seven to 800 swings,

or until your rotator
cuff turns to chutney.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Self defense!

Find a monopolist...

- Hello, sir.
- Oh.

... and then, you want
to best him physically.

What's that now? Oh!

Your days of hoarding copper are over!

MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait, there's more!

Telegraph now, and get volume two,

T. Rose's Gut Buster Double Trouble,

featuring the president's
own workout partner, Neville.

Neville, how many
Australians have you k*lled?

Australians? Several.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

MALE ANNOUNCER: But wait,
there's more! Order now,

and get the president's secret
post-fitness tonic for free!

We have lard butter, clotted cream,

a little bit of suet, and
the blood of one plump rooster

for iron and for flavor. Here we go.

Mm.

Oh! [STOMACH GURGLING]

Ah! MALE ANNOUNCER:
Order now. Only 33 cents,

plus shipping and processing.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪

♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪

♪ She's Shirley ♪

♪ It's been a long, hard road,
but hope was never lost ♪

♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: Shirley! is brought to you

by the actual presidential
candidate Shirley Chisholm,

and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.

[FUNK MUSIC]

CONRAD: h*, h*, man. I
can't wait to get to Miami.

I'm gonna have myself a
daiquiri and do the samba.

And support your wife at the
Democratic National Convention

in hopes of her being elected president?

- Yeah, and that, too.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Hey, is that mole on
your face moving around?

- What mole?
- CONRAD: The mole right here.

- Conrad, keep your eyes on the road.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

FLO: Shirley, I know you wrote a speech,

but have you considered
the song that I...

I'm not doing a damn song!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Oh, look! A churro spot! Should we stop?

BOTH: Shut up, Conrad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY]

Shut up, audience!

[FUNK MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a Howard Cosell
impression reporting live

from the Democratic National Convention.

The stars are certainly
out in Miami tonight.

[SHIRLEY SCOFFS]

- They stuck us in the loser section!
- FLO: Mm-hmm.

No, they didn't! Look,
there's Rosa Parks.

- Where? Ooh!
- Excuse me. Hi, hi.

I am so sorry. A...
a-are you Rosa Parks?

Yes!

I'm so sorry. I-I
think you're in my seat.

[AUDIENCE JEERING]

- I am not doing this sh*t again.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

It might take me a while
to get to the stage,

but once they hear my speech,

- it will be worth it.
- CONRAD/FLO: Mm-hmm.

Hi, Shirley. Sorry, Muskie
ran along with his impressions,

so we had to cut your speech.

But thank you for stopping by.

[AUDIENCE AWWING]

I thought we had a chance to win,

but clearly, they didn't take
me or my campaign seriously!

Well, Shirley, baby, they
may not take you seriously,

- but we do.
- Mm-hmm.

And we are here for you no matter what.

- CONRAD: Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

It means so much that
you're sticking by my side.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Is-is that Diana Ross?

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Ms. Ross! Ms. Ross!

Those other Supremes ain't sh*t!

As long as my husband
is with me, I'll be fine.

- I'm sorry, baby.
- It's okay.

No, I'm sorry. There's
a churro guy down there,

and I've always wanted to have a churro!

Amigo! Right over here. Hola!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, I guess I won't be
needing this speech anymore.

MAN: Shirley Chisholm?

Oh, now what?

- [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
- [BELL RINGS]

Muhammad Ali?!

Where? Oh.

Yeah, that's me.

And you are someone I greatly admire.

- Really?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

So when are you getting up there?

Apparently never, champ.

Might be time for me
to throw in the towel.

In this country, you can do
anything you set your mind to.

Except dodging the draft.
You will go to jail for that.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- So, get up off the mat.

Just go up there and
tell 'em who you are.

Well, I am who I am.

I am unbought and unbossed!

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- That's it.

That's it! Now, get up
there and tell them that.

All right! Thanks, champ!

- Knock 'em dead.
- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Hey.

You the fellow that kicked
Rosa Parks outta her seat?

Uh, w-well, it's just
that I'm an a-aisle guy...

Yeah, I'ma need to see
you in the parking lot.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Come on.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

[CINEMATIC MUSIC]

[MIDDLE EASTERN VOCALIZIN]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: In a world
where greed is good,

- and God is as good as dead.
- [JINGLING]

Jesus is gathering his forces.

He's becoming more powerful.

SOLDIER: Cancel him, Judas.

[EPIC MUSIC]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: Bear witness
to the journey of a man

who's run out of cheeks to turn.

Jesus, the apostles need
you for one last mission.

Mark, my savior days are over.

You know who else's days
are over? John the Baptist.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Dad damn it.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: A journey that
took him from the mother he loved.

MOTHER MARY: Son,
this was your father's.

I never knew my father.

Neither did I.

Because you're a virgin, right, Mommy?

Oh yeah. Totally a virgin, yeah.

Never had sex.

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: And the
love he could not return.

Mary Magdalene, I came to check
on you and make sure you're safe.

I'm safe now that you're here.

- I can't.
- But I won't charge you,

even though I'm a prost*tute.

- Who's also the best computer hacker in Jerusalem.
- [ROCK MUSIC]

The Romans are 30 klicks
away and moving fast.

I'll be back.

In three days.

Vamonos.

[VOCALIZING PRAYER]

Was that other guy here the whole time?

That's f*cking creepy.

JESUS: Apostles assemble.

- [BACK IN BLACK BY AC/DC]
- ANNOUNCER: It's Jesus

as our white God intended.

Blonde, blue-eyed,

and f*ck' ripped.

- [CROWD CHATTER]
- MAN: Get lost, Jesus.

We're lending money,

in a temple, at exorbitant rates!

[g*n c*ck]

Oy, gevalt!

- [YELLING]
- [sh**ting]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GRUNTING]

[SLOW MOTION sh**ting]

Ha...

... llelujah.

[BIRDS CAWING]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
And when all is lost...

Goodbye.

[BACK IN BLACK RESUMES]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER:
... a new type of hero is found.

Miss me?

You're alive!

I came back because I left something.

- W-what?
- Your sins.

[MEDALLION WHIRRING]

[BLASTING]

MOVIE ANNOUNCER: This Christmas,
get saved or go to Hell.

- [METALLIC THUD]
- JC Resurrection.

- [ZOOMING]
- Wow. Jesus is bussin'!

You're right. He is bussin'.

Jesus action figure?!

This is the best toy in the
History of the World, Part II!

Pew, pew, pew.

[ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING]

That's it.

- Are you kidding me?
- That's the money.

- Wow.
- I feel like I don't need to ask,

but I will anyway.
How's everyone feeling

- about this new version of Christianity?
- [OVERLAPPING CHEERS]

I mean, I love that! I mean, we
got ourselves a franchise here!

I mean, that is a
four-quadrant movie for sure.

Think of the merchandising
opportunities alone.

- Also, uh, kinda hot, right?
- Oh, my God.

He was hot, he was
jacked, he was Caucasian,

he was just like me. Totally relatable!

Well, I guess we gave
you everything you wanted.

It's always great when it works out

for white men in power. [LAUGHS]

Yeah, it really is. It really is.

I don't know how I'll sleep
at night, but it's fine.

Oh, and don't forget to get
your items from the hat check

on your way out. Okay?

Oh, lost my ticket. I
don't have my ticket,

but I have... It's that one right there.

BISHOPS [OVERLAPPING]: And this
is yours. And this is yours.

- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.

- And this is yours.
- And this is yours.

I'm sorry, you made a
mistake. This is yours.

- BISHOPS: And this is yours.
- And this is yours...

That's not mine. Oh,
that's mine. That's mine.

- No. You have mine right there.
- That's mine. There it is. Okay.

RED BISHOP: And may I
get my staff, please?

I wish I could tip, but
I only have big stuff,

so I'll get you next time.

♪ Ooh, ooh, Shirley ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

COSELL IMPERSONATOR: It
looks like the big winner

is the Motor from South Dakota.

It's over. It's over.

But wait, what do we
have here? Ms. Chisholm?

Outta my way, Monday night goofball!

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Ouch.

[ON SPEAKER]: Good evening,
delegates. Thank you for having me.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Can you hear me?

[SIGHS] All right. Let's try this.

One, two, three, four!

[FUNKY CRESCENDO]

Mm... Hit me!

[BRASSY FUNK]

Woo! Can you feel it?

This is wildly out of
character for my wife.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

♪ This country needs some
disruption to the corruption ♪

♪ Too much corruption ♪

♪ That White House could use
some Black to cure its blues ♪

♪ Ooh-h*-h*-h* ♪

♪ In the a*s, we're gonna kick it ♪

♪ With this sister on the ticket ♪

♪ Honey, get with Mama
Shirley, and you can't lose ♪

♪ Baby, you can't lose ♪

♪ I'm fed up with all the
jive and exploitation ♪

♪ Let them threaten, let
them bully, I don't scare ♪

♪ She don't scare ♪

♪ I don't play nobody's fool ♪

♪ I take them white boys all to school ♪

♪ They don't give me
a seat at the table ♪

♪ I'm gonna bring a folding chair ♪

♪ She's unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ I'm incorruptible ♪

♪ Unvarnished and unglossed ♪

♪ I'm indestructible ♪

♪ Unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Yeah, that's right, I
won't relax, I won't relent ♪

♪ I'm gonna be the first Black woman ♪

♪ President! ♪

- [CONFETTI POPS]
- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you, delegates!

Get on the Chisholm Express '72!

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ I'm unbought and unbossed ♪

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Ooh-woo!

Oh, Mom, you made me a cake?

Oh no, baby.

That's store-bought.

You came in fourth.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I thought I was gonna get
to do a musical number.

I've been pitching
that for four episodes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

But you know what, baby?
Don't feel bad. You did great.

And we got a free trip to Miami
out of it. And you know what?

You have opened up doors
for generations to come.

Oh, Conrad, that's the
dumbest sh*t you've ever said.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

And that's saying somethin'.

Oh, come on now.

No, but really, baby. You didn't win,

but you opened doors
for generations to come.

- Oh, Mama!
- [LAUGHS]

[AUDIENCE AWW'S]

f*ck that, man! I just said that!

SHIRLEY/FLO: Shut up, Conrad.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

- Shut up, Conrad!
- [LAUGHING]

Okay. [LAUGHS] Okay, okay.

You know what? f*ck y'all!

Only reason I did this TV show
was to help out your campaign,

and all I do is get treated like sh*t!

Man, I'm outta here!

- [THEME PLAYING]
- I'ma do my own TV show!

You know what, it's gonna be
about something I care about.

It's gonna be about law and order!

Now, I don't know what I'ma call it,

but it's gonna have a cool
transition, like, "dun dun!"

And it's gonna be the best! The best!

♪

A Black woman will become president
before that show ever works.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Can I have a piece of cake before I go?

f*ck you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

MEL: Wait! Where are you going?

Coming soon,

Don't miss History
of the World, Part II,

season two.

See... "The Great Fascist Bake Off."

MALE JUDGE: Idi Amin,
your cake fell flat, mate.

I thought k*lling the other
contestants would give me an edge,

but there are no shortcuts in baking.

MEL: See... "The Dust Bowl."

- [WIND BLOWING]
- [NEWSREEL RUNNING]

REPORTER: And it's a
fumble! Oklahoma recovers,

or maybe Kansas does. And
they take it to the 10,

to the five, touchdown Kansas!

- Or Oklahoma! Who knows?
- [CROWD CHEERING]

I can't see sh*t! It's too dusty!

[DRAMATIC STING]

MEL: See... "Jews in Space"

- [LASERS BLASTING]
- [ZOOMING]

MAN: Captain Mudman, we're
in a bit of a pickle!

I know, it's a real half-sour.

Lieutenantman Silverman,
give us a status update.

I'm single, but looking!

Well, we're doing an event in
the JCC Saturn this weekend.

- Ooh.
- I know there'll be

a wonderful guy there for you, but
I mean a status update on the ship!

Oh, I can't operate
anything until sundown,

which, in space, who can
tell? Best I do nothing.

Fair enough. Borowitz, report!

Captain, the weapons
system is loxed and loaded,

- but I got no schmear.
- MUDMAN: What?!

- Joot!
- JOOT: I am Joot.

You were supposed to
bring the cream cheese!

JOOT: I am Joot!

I don't understand.

- The deli was closed yesterday.
- [MUDMAN GROANS]

Dr. Kaufmanberg, do you have
the results of my colonoscopy?

Yes, Captain, and it's not good.

You have a*s-teroids.

Oh, no, a*s-teroids!

[DROPS CHARACTER]: Wait, Wanda,
can you be in this sketch?

I'm an executive producer.

Oh, okay, so you're basically Jewish.

Mm.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Captain, we're being boarded!

Hopefully by a doctor.

At this hour? Dayenu. Okay!

Uh, Dr. Kaufmanberg, you want to, uh...

I know, I know. I go first.

- Thank you, Doctor.
- Thank you.

[DOORS WHIRRING]

[ALARM BLARING]

[ZAP]

[WHIRRING]

[MUDMAN GASPS]

It's the most powerful
Jewish person in the universe,

Jesus Christ!

MEL: Well, the second most powerful.

Also, I brought cream cheese.

[ALL CHEER]

- BOROWITZ: It's Mel Brooks!
- KAUFMANBERG: Oh, he looks great!

[EPIC THEME PLAYS]

♪

[FART]