01x03 - Mucky

[bunniefuu]

Come on then, monkey.

Mind your head.

- Oh, you smell nice.

- Thank you, Daddy.

Oh, wait is this her coat?

I can't see any gravy stains.

GERMAN ACCENT: Let me see the coat.

Turn around. Turn around.

I've never seen this coat before in

my life. It's got lovely details, nice bow.

Why are you doing that voice?

You sound demented.

It's for the audition.

I'm inhabiting my character, Craig.

I'm gonna get this part, I can

feel it.

And get my career back on track.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, get it off!

Schnell, schnell, schnell!

My God, Craig, Craig. It's Gucci!

Gucci?

Who's kid she been playing with,

Kan ye West's?

I'd have taken this cos I'm hurrying

at pick up.

That new teacher's like Minnie Mouse

on Red Bull.

SQUEAKING: "Hello, Grace!"

She's even got her saying

"ickle bick."

Mum thinks she should

be learning Mandarin.

Well, yeah, that will be useful when

she goes to Blue Dolphin Caravan Park.

Just be careful with it, all right?

You know you get things mucky.

I don't get things mucky!

Mate, the car is literally a skip on

wheels.

I mean, when did we last go to

Wimpy?

I do not know zis Vimpy.

Is that too much?

PHONE RINGS

It's Missy Brown's mum. Who's that?

You know her, she's the queen of Botox. She

wears like 20 pairs of false lashes for pick up,

she has to flip her head back to

open her eyes.

She's the one that told you she'd

pierced her own n*pples.

Oh, her.

Hiya, love.

You've taken Missy's coat.

Oh well, yeah, I picked it up by

mistake

cos they're the same

colour and material

and quality.

Missy's coat's actually a luxury

item from her uncle

heavily involved

with Formula 1.

Can you drop it off tonight?

Listen, I We're on Kings wood,

the executive side of the estate.

Which is the executive side?

Not near Asda.

Listen, I'll bring it in tomorrow.

Can you at least keep it out of the

way of stuff, please.

Bugger! Bugger!

♫ Is it worth it? Lemme work it

I put my thing down, flip it

and reverse it

♫ Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod

gniht ym tup I ♫

DOORBELL RINGS, SHE SIGHS

Hiya, Queenie, love. Hiya, baby.

Hi, Daddy.

Just checking it's your day with her

tomorrow.

She's got an INSET day.

BEN: No, sweetheart, I'm working.

Oh, 'eck, I've got a big meeting.

I'll sort something.

Hi, love!

Now, then.

You've done well there! Have fun,

love birds.

Get on well with your ex then, do

you?

Oh, yeah. She's got a heart of gold.

My friends always say that about me.

It's actually embarrassing.

Your daughter's cute.

Jayelle, yeah.

She's the angel of my life.

Some girlfriends couldn't handle

that though,

so I had to pull the plug.

Oh, I love kids. Yeah?

I really love kids.

Just need to find a sitter.

I could take Jayelle. I'm off into

town if she likes shopping.

Oh, Rana, she'd bloody love that.

Thank you.

Yeah, all right.

HIGH PITCHED SQUEAL

What coin comes next?

Bring it here. Did you wash my

hoodie?

I've just put a wash on. Can I have

a lift to Luke's?

Er, yeah. I can take you at 7.

I think it's 50p, love. Mam, washing

machine's on the blink again.

Jake, go get tool box.

Guys, guys!

She shouldn't be wearing it, but

look!

La-la!

How nice does Grace look?

Paula, it's Gucci! Grace, my little

Gucci-girly.

Do you want some? Ey, ey, be

careful, that's not mine.

And don't get it mucky with

that mousse.

Oh, my God, can I Instagram her?

I'll blur her face out. Yeah.

Ash, just whack that lasagne in for

me, will you?

Ash! Whack that lasagne in.

Nails are wet.

Jake, while you're out there, will

you get the oven chips from freezer?

I'm sitting Ben the fit fireman's

kid tomorrow.

What do you reckon?

You don't like children.

True.

No of fence.

Good luck babysitting then. I can

deal with a little girl.

And he's the best sex I've ever had.

He slides down poles and puts out

fires.

I mean, gotta make an effort,

'ant ya?

Toni, I deal with hardened

sociopaths day in and day out.

HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL

Oh, my God!

GRACE: Mum

SIREN WAILS

Probably just your IBS, Paula.

Zero Oscar, come in. Any delays on

the Clive Sullivan Way? Over.

Ey up, Line Of Duty.

What's she say?

Having a dig at you on her deathbed.

b*tch.

Aw, it is nice, though, in't it?

To all be out together, like this.

I mean without the kids and that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Turn the car round.

Let's go line dancing instead.

Ow!

Is Dane here? Yeah, he's looking for

a doctor.

This way. Heal my wife.

Dane, I don't think that's

a consultant.

No, I'm just a cleaner. Oh.

Dane!

Breathe, love, breathe.

Have you told them at work I'm sick?

Yeah, I've messaged everyone in your

contacts.

I've told them you don't owe them

nothing. Right, listen up.

Don't let Ash go to school looking

like Drag Race,

make sure Jake eats something that

isn't beige,

don't be putting no fat

down the sink,

and you know that chicken that's in

the fridge,

sniff it before you cook

it cos it's on the turn.

Mrs Benzil, I think we might be

dealing with a stomach ulcer.

I knew it was your stomach.

Get off me head.

Oh, God.

Hiya. Now, you have fun, you two.

Look at you! Aw, this means so much.

No problem.

See ya.

Shall we go then?

So what do you see in my dad?

Things I can't discuss with

11-year-old girls.

Not his personality then? Of course

his personality.

Oh, sorry.

Force of habit.

Have fun!

Belt on, babes.

Smells expensive.

Only the best for your girl, eh?

Why don't you take this back to

where you bought it, they'll sort you out.

No, no, no. I've got no time today,

I've got an important audition.

Oh, are you an actress?

Yeah. What've you been in that I've

seen?

Did you listen to any radio plays in

the early 2010s?

No telly?

No telly.

Shame. Let's bring it back to the

coat

I'm sorry, I can't help you. There's

no insurance for designer.

Nice chatting, though.

Great.

Mummy's in big trouble.

Oh! You're a tickle bick early.

We're not technically open yet.

Missy's mam's not here, is she? No.

Missy's mummy's not a tickle early

bird who catches the worm, is she, Grace?

Oh!

There she is now.

She must've heard you.

Morning.

PAULA'S FAMILY'S VOICES SWIRL

Oh, my God!

They've kept this a secret!

No, they've kept this private.

You've hit the jackpot, love.

You're overspill for St Elizabeth's.

So soft! So clean!

Is that a menu?

Smoothies on the front. Physio

treatments on the back.

No!

Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.

Hello. I need to call my husband.

He did call for help with the morning

routine, but I said you needed rest.

No, he'll be giving Jake fizzy

pop for breakfast.

Now, Paula, you need to focus on

you.

What level of discomfort are you in?

Erm

My guts are tender, but it wouldn't

stop me doing a big shop.

Now, Paula, I won't allow tender

guts.

How about some pain relief?

I barely feel a paracetamol.

We can do a bit better than

paracetamol.

How about a sense of absolute

well being?

Jack me up, sister!

Hiya, hi.

It's Toni Collan here about

the audition.

I was wondering if you

could see me later, cos, erm

the thing is, my sister collapsed

this morning. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, thanks so much. Thank

you, bye.

PHONE DINGS

Ugh, pre-school group chat, what you

ganging up on me for?

Toni! Oh, it's good to see you,

Toni.

Me and Ben's kid, we're just

grabbing a coffee.

This is my mate, Toni.

Any news on Paula?

It's her bloody stomach.

Anyway, how you two getting on, you

having fun?

We're just thinking of what to do

with our really, really long day.

Yeah.

Sorry, I've gotta find somewhere in

Hull that sells Gucci.

There's that boutique in Beverley

that does it.

Do you want a lift?

Road trip to Beverley, yeah?

Road trip! This in't Thelma And

Louise, you know, Rana.

I'm gonna get my head kicked in by

a terrifying mother

if I don't get this coat cleaned and

back on a hook before pick up.

SHE GROANS

These drugs they're magic!

How's our Mrs Benzil doing?

Like the last 17 years never

happened to me.

I'm glad to hear it.

Your test results are all clear.

Most likely a flare-up of your IBS.

Have you been feeling stressed

lately?

Hm, have I been

feeling stressed lately?

Kath!

That's good one, that is!

SHE GIGGLES

Well, you can go home now. HOME?!

PHONE RINGS

Yep. Hiya, Paula.

Listen, I need you to do something

for me!

What? I'm up to my eyes in

bloody Gucci-gate.

Can't it wait?

Right, Toni, I need chalk.

You know like what you write on

a chalkboard with?

Yeah, I know what chalk is.

Promise me! It's life or death here.

What? Has she hung up?

PHONE RINGS

She's not answering, she's not

answering. Right, belts on, b*tches,

I'm doing a u-ey.

Got the chalk? Right, good luck.

Could we do a phone audition,

because

something's come up, but I'm

really made for this part.

Yeah, I'm really good at accents.

Shall I do it for you now?

LINE CUTS OU

PHONE RINGS

SHE SCREAMS

This best be urgent, cos I've just missed

out on a career-defining role for you.

And one of the mums from school

thinks I'm a coat thief.

They're trying to

discharge me, Toni!

And I've only just

started to relax!

Ah, for fu

This is what the chalk is for?

Paula Adams PE twagging special?

Yeah. Two sticks of this and, boom,

instant fever, and I can stay.

Can't you just relax at home? Have

you been to my home?

Yeah, it's great. That's because I

do everything!

Then stop.

I can't just stop, Toni.

I'm the thin red line between a functioning

household and abject bloody chaos.

If I go down, we all go down.

Listen, I just let Craig do

everything. Look how relaxed I am.

PHONE DINGS

sh*t, sh*t!

One of the mums in the group chat

saw me walking past oncology.

Now they all think I've got cancer.

Takes the edge off being a thief.

Right, I've gotta go.

Get this bloody coat sorted.

Oh, you beauty.

So I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with

O?

Old slag?

You are really pushing my buttons.

It's lucky for you I can see you're

just a kid,

clearly having a hard time.

So why don't we start again, eh?

Without the shitty attitude.

SHE SOBS

I'm so sorry!

I don't know what I

was thinking, love.

Please don't take my dad away!

Oh, my God, I couldn't! I wouldn't!

Oh Jayelle, I'm not like the others.

I only want to see him two nights a

week.

Why don't we do something to cheer

ourselves up, eh?

Whatever you fancy.

Maybe some shopping?

Shopping? Yeah.

Yeah, you got it. My treat.

All right. Great.

Oh, God, Toni, thank God.

How is she?

What? Oh, Paula? Never mind her,

she's a piss taker.

Just get the engine running, I need

to be in Beverley, like, yesterday.

Buckle up, buttercup! Go, go, go!

Come on, Paula.

You can do this.

Get it up ya.

No! What?

No, no, no! Please

Can I come in? Five minutes!

Five minutes!

Two minutes. Just the coat.

Yeah. Five minutes, I won't be long,

I just need to see about this coat.

Don't go, don't go, don't go!

Please, for the love of God.

Please! I honestly won't be five

OK.

This is nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Can I buy you a present? With my own

money. To say thank you.

Aw, you don't have to do that.

Please? I'll be really quick.

Aw!

Yeah, go on, then, babes.

Oh Christ, not from there kid.

I don't understand why you've

relapsed.

Frankly, I'm baffled.

Shall I just plug myself back in?

CLAMOURING

I'm so sorry, Mrs Molloy,

we've just lost your bed.

You'll have to go back to

Hull General.

Five kids.

She looked terrible, the poor cow.

I deserve a bloody medal for this.

PHONE RINGS

Rana?

I took her shopping and she's done a

runner. Get your arse here now, Toni!

OK. I'll be back!

I'll be back, I'll be back.

Where is she?!

cheap jeans. Rana!

Thank God. I let her go off on her

own and she hasn't come back.

What did you do that for?

We bonded. You can't bond with a

pre-teen,

do you remember what we

were like at 11?

Yeah, 50% in love with Peter Andre

and

50% pure evil. sh*t, I just got

played.

Kids, man, they're little buggers.

Let's go.

Hiya, we've lost a child. Can we put

a call out on the tannoy, please?

What's the child's name?

Oh

I dunno!

Do you know what, sod this.

What you doing?

I might not be good with kids, but

I'm bloody brilliant with fugitives.

Shut this shopping centre down now!

Code 12.

No, she's got pigtails and low

scrunchies.

Excuse me, sorry, have you seen a

young girl, 10, 11?

Oh, my God, where is she?

Rana, she's phoned her dad.

They're outside, let's go.

You left Jayelle on her own?!

She manipulated me.

And her name is

really hard to remember.

Rana, she's 11!

The thing is, Ben, I just don't do

baby-sitting.

I just made an exception for

But I've learnt my lesson.

So this is the end of the road.

OK, probably for the best.

Jayelle?

Stay on the straight and narrow.

Cos if you don't, I'll be waiting.

And I will hunt you down.

I've just given up the best shag

I've had in months.

Christ, I'm normal. Aren't I, Toni?

Toni!

Never leave us again. promise me!

I did an insta post about you being

ill. Thanks for the content, mam.

Are you better?

I will be, but I'm making some

changes when we get home.

Whatever you need. It's not about

what I need, it's what we need.

I'm not doing every

bleeding thing any more.

If my guts explode, we're all buggered.

You're learning to put a wash on,

your dad can help you get that off

your hand,

and you're all being introduced to

the cupboard under the stairs.

It's a wonderland of

cleaning products! Yes, my queen.

KIDS: Yes, mam.

There is just one thing before we

get home.

Tell me you've cleared that water

out from the washer.

It's this. We made it.

Gluten-free. For your IBS.

Sorry about your bowels. Oh.

It's lovely, that.

Ta.

Have a great day. Bye.

Hi!

Erm, I bought this from yourselves,

I took it to the dry cleaners but

they wouldn't touch it because..

between you and me they're a bit

common.

So I brought it back for your

fabulous same-day cleaning service.

Do you have a receipt?

No.

Hm.

And you say you bought this here?

Yes. Yeah.

Excuse me. Sorry.

One moment, please.

PHONE DINGS

VOICEMAIL: This is a message for

Toni.

The role has been filled,

I'm afraid.

Oh good! That's good news!

That's good.

SHE SIGHS

This isn't one of ours.

OK, fine, listen. Right, it's this

mum.

It's this mum from my kid's

pre-school, and she's a bloody nightmare.

If I give it back to her like this,

she'll spread it round that I'm mucky,

so can you please tell me where I

can get it cleaned?

Oh, you can't.

It's a fake.

You what? A fake.

Is it?

And I can't let you leave here with

it.

Sorry.

That's fine, cos why would I want

it? It's a fake.

And I've been running round all day.

OK, no, no, no, that's fine,

throw it in the bin, do whatever

you want with it.

Listen, you have a good day,

won't you and, erm

Bye.

Bye. Bye now.

Right, I'm just gonna come clean to

Leanne. Ha-ha! Good luck.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Toni. Hi, Ash.

I felt awful about the coat, and not

helping out.

So look what I've got!

My mate's dad

does knock-off stuff.

Oh!

Ashley, you absolute beauty! Go on,

Ash, get in!

Someone's on time today!

There you go, Leanne.

Grace, Grace.

Oi, you. Problem?

You've nicked my Missy's Gucci coat

and replaced it with a fake.

No, I took it by mistake. Anyway,

don't give me that, Leanne,

yours was a fake in the first place.

Excuse me, I don't believe in fake

stuff.

OK, well I went round the whole of

East Riding of Yorkshire today,

trying to get your fake coat

cleaned. Cleaned?!

I knew you couldn't be trusted

to not get muck on it. Listen!

Listen, Leanne. I come from

a very long line of clean people

Oh, mummies!

Amber-wamber thinks someone's a bit

cwoss.

There's an ickle bick of shouting

over here.

Can we pwease use our inside voices?

Amber, that voice make me wanna

punch you. Honest to Christ!

Well. Someone hasn't filled the

kindness bucket today.

Sorry, Amber.

Sorry, Amber.

Sorry, Grace.

So where'd you get it?

My niece got it off some bloke

called Riz.

Same. He's good, Riz.

Knock-off, but high-end knock-off.

Yeah. Well.

Only the best for our girls.

Word to the wise

don't touch his Louboutins.

Mate of mine got lead poisoning

off the red sole.

Good tip.

Why are you walking like that?

Tight shoes. Working on a bunion.

It's my ticket back to that

hospital.

Hiya. Oh, hiya.

Someone dropped out. I got the

job. As what? A right state?

I know that costume. You're peddling

cheese outside Asda's.

I'm a Pleasy Cheesey brand

ambassador actually.

Is this your Carrie Bradshaw?

Yeah. It's decent role, innit Grace?

Mm-hm.

I've built her a rich back story and

everything.

GERMAN ACCENT: I live high up in the

Bavarian mountains.

No family, I don't know who this

child is.

No friends, just the cows

that I milk daily.

I'm an orphan, but don't shed a tear

for me. It's wasted.

Do you get any free squeezy cheese?

Yeah.