01x04 - Party

[bunniefuu]

♫ My party's on

♫ My party's on

♫ You gotta come

♫ My party's on

RAP IN JAPANESE

♫ Let's get the party started ♫

KNOCK AT DOOR

Auntie Toni, we have a problem.

No, we don't.

Everything's ready.

♫ I've done everything

♫ We're ready for the party. ♫

She's decided she's frightened.

WHISPERING: flamingos.

What? No, no, no, no.

No, I don't want

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no.

No, you're not, Grace.

We love them, remember?

That's we're having a birthday party

all about flamingos.

In half an hour,

when all your friends get here.

SHE SCREAMS

Craig, we have a problem.

♫ All right, all right

Give me strength

♫ Give me love. ♫

SHE SNIFFLES

KNOCK AT DOOR

Toni.

SHE MUTTERS

Go away!

Let's have a look. Go away!

OK. No, don't go away.

Oh, my God, you've had

a full-on breakdown, haven't you?

TONI SOBS

It's all gone wrong. Just f*cking

Why does everything in my life

go wrong?

Was you trying to look like

Katy Perry?

Duh! Flamingo!

Oh, right.

No, cos Craig just said that, erm,

Grace has gone off flamingos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Paula.

Yeah, she has. Totally out the blue.

Kids are twats.

They change their mind.

Told you should have

had it at McDonald's.

All the kids

get a toy and there's no washing up.

Paula, this is serious. Yeah.

I'm making memories.

I've got amazing memories

from when I was five.

What of?

My party.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

Get back downstairs now

and crack on.

You've got an actual party happening

in 22 minutes

and you're nowhere near ready.

Useless bloody hippie!

♫ Give me stre-e-ngth ♫

Up to the loft with this lot.

How do I look?

Like a freak.

Where's Grace?

She's outside with Ashley.

Party's ruined.

Oh, bollocks. Have a Frozen party!

Everyone loves a bit of Frozen.

No, no, not me. I'm a feminist.

I don't believe in princesses.

f*ck off! Parking a kid in front of

a princess movie for 90 minutes

of free baby-sitting?

You don't get

more feminist than that.

Frozen's so mainstream.

It's been done to death.

Like I wanted to give her a day

that was quirky and eclectic.

She'll remember this day

for the rest of her life.

She's five - she doesn't

remember to wipe her own arse.

No, I remember my fifth birthday -

Mam threw me an amazing

flamingo party.

Mum never threw us

a party in a whole life.

The only thing that she celebrated

was opening up a new bottle.

No, she did. Right, just because

you're older than me,

Paula, doesn't mean I don't

remember stuff too.

Mam was bloody brilliant that day.

OK, fine, whatever.

Listen, I'll go get Ashley's

old Frozen tat out the attic.

Let it flamin-GO!

That's not funny.

Yeah, it is. I got the funny genes.

Ashley, I know what I can say -

it's gonna be really, really funny.

MONKEY BEEPS AND GIGGLES

Don't worry, sweetie -

Daddy's making it all better.

GRACE ON RECORDING:

You're a cheeky monkey, and so am I.

Smell my trumps.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, Craig, this is sick.

I want one when it's MY birthday.

SHE MOUTHS

MONKEY BEEPS AND GIGGLES

ASHLEY ON RECORDING: Hello, Craig.

No-one under 70 wears a vest.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

HORN TOOTS

f*ck!

She's here, she's here. She's here.

Who?

Me mum. Oh, for

Oh, God. Archangel Gabriel,

please protect me.

If you get me a shirt out,

love, I'll iron it.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

What happened to your face?

Gloria,

I'm so glad you could make it.

Craig mentioned

you're having a disaster.

Did he?

Oh! That's funny because,

if anything, I'm having it

against the odd triumph.

I'm, erm, pivoting the party

so you could say.

In under half an hour?

Yeah.

That's a bit ambitious.

Have you phoned your entertainer?

We haven't booked anent

I was just informing

the entertainer,

actually, when you interrupted me

PHONE TAPS

Gloria.

Here we are, love. Oh, thanks, Mum.

Take it for me. Thanks.

DOORBELL RINGS

PANTING

Slow down. What's up?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I need you to be my princess.

I don't feel very regal right now.

I gave evidence in court yesterday

and went out

with the prosecution lawyers

and we put away

a very dangerous man.

And a lot of prosecco. Rana,

I need you to be the entertainer

for the party. Oh!

Toni, this is a class-five hangover!

This is an emergency.

Oh!

And you are an emergency service.

I need to keep this on me

at all times, just in case.

Yeah, fine. I'll stick some glitter

on it and call it a royal bucket.

SHE HUMS TRIUMPHANTLY

How is that for pivoting the party?

Hey, hey, Rana. I'll text Paula, get

her to bring you something to wear.

Yeah. How am I gonna entertain

a bunch of kids?

Do you know any magic tricks?

Only very adult ones.

Rana, I sw All right, fine.

I'll think of something.

We haven't got long.

Kids are on their way.

Just need a minute with my bucket.

OK.

Yeah! Yeah!

Nice! Yeah.

Oh, Craig was just asking what's to

be done with your seagull cake.

Oh, seagull!

I knew it reminded me of something.

Flamingo!

It reminded you of a flamingo,

because that's what it is.

It's just the really small legs.

Craig, I swear to God

I would just put it out of

its misery, if I were you.

Would you like

to be humanely destroyed?

HIGH-PITCHED: No!

I want to be pivoted

into a princess cake!

Bur-kaw!

I could just take it outside

and sh**t it.

No! No-one's destroying anything,

because a party's not a party

without a cake.

Oh!

I agree.

I thought it might be needed.

As a backup - that's all.

Oh, you thought it might be needed,

Gloria?

It's almost as if you knew

that the theme would change.

Woman's intuition.

So, I had a thought,

re entertaining the kids,

you know, I could do

my stranger-danger speech.

Rana.

Is she the entertainer?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do kids' parties

on my days off now. So

can you make this

into a sausage dog?

Course I can love.

Hold this.

PARPING

Is this a sick bucket?

Maybe.

A show woman never reveals

her tricks.

Excuse me. Thank you.

RANA COUGHS

At least Rana is here helping you.

Thank God!

Well, and Me.

Toni, yeah.

I've done quite a lot of it,

actually.

She's done loads. I just mean

because you're always SO busy

with your acting hobby.

It's not a hobby, Gloria.

It's a calling.

Oh! And have you been getting

many calls?

Right, you know what? You can f

Flamingos in the garden.

Let's hit the flamingos. So,

you're sure you don't want me to

Back in a minute.

Will you please calm down?

Crying out loud!

Can you not see?

What? She's just a bit shy.

Your mother is a psychopath in

Marks & Spencer's clothing, Craig.

Oh, you're being ridiculous.

No, I aren't. No, I

I bet you anything she is the one

who put Grace off flamingos.

Toni, you're being paranoid.

You always say that when I accuse

people of plotting against me.

She has assassinated

my flamingo party,

and now she wants to dance

on its grave. Flipping

Are you an actor, by any chance?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am.

And I'm gonna deserve an Oscar

for keeping my face straight

for the next two hours.

I've got a ton of

fake Frozen gear in here.

Let's put some glittery tat

all over this b*tch.

MUSIC: Paper Planes

by MIA

♫ If you catch me at the border

I got visas in my name

♫ If you come around here

♫ I make 'em all day ♫

Rana?

Rana?

MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS

OK, Rana!

Rana, the kids will be here

in, like, 11 minutes.

You need to get changed.

I had a relapse

trying to make the balloon dog.

Yeah, well, stop relapsing

and look lively.

Paula brought you this.

RANA GROANS

Princess?

Oh!

What the f*ck is that?

Well, it's Paula's wedding dress.

You remember her grinding Dane in it

to Man! I Feel Like A Woman!

Come on. I need to prove

you're the entertainer

so I can shove it

up Gloria's arsehole.

Sorry to interrupt

whatever this is but,

Rana, I need that duvet, mate.

What for?

Mum's turning me into Olaf. Dad?

What's the matter, darling?

WHISPERING: Her eyebrows

are scaring me.

Oh, right.

Yeah, your eyebrows are scaring her.

There's not much I can do

about that, is there?

I did suggest using wash-in wash-out

hair dye. Yeah, well,

I'm not a wash-in wash-out person.

You're gonna have to do something.

Your face is traumatising our child.

Get out.

Come on, baby, let's go.

Right. Er

Toni Oh!

SHE MOUTHS

Such a shame about the theme.

Grace was so excited

about flamingos.

She was telling me this morning.

You spoke to Grace this morning?

Yes, the little love called to make

sure I was coming to her party.

Didn't Craig mention it?

No, he didn't mention it.

Are you finished in here?

Goodbye.

I'm taking this.

I thought we were

going as princesses, not peasants.

Oh, yeah, I'm Cinderella, actually,

pre-makeover,

complete with an evil

stepmother-in-law.

Oh, right, and where are those mice

that you exploit for free lab our?

I was right about Gloria

sabotaging my party.

She spoke to Grace this morning.

Craig kept it from me.

Why would he do that?

Because he knew you'd get

all tinfoil-hat about it. No, no.

Because he's plotting against me

as well.

Him and Gloria are thick as thieves.

She's been on the phone to Grace

this morning,

making her scared of flamingos.

Oh, Christ, here we go.

Toni, for the last time, Mam never

threw you a flamingo party.

Yes, she bloody did. You don't

remember - your memory's sh*t.

Auntie Toni, I think

Grace just changed her mind.

Oh, Ashley. You're so naive.

You don't know

what people are capable of.

What do you think?

Woof! Woof!

Are you gonna get off your backside

at any point today?

Cos I don't know how

entertaining you can be lying down.

Entertaining lying down

is my speciality.

Toni, crack on sharpish, yeah?

Tick, tick, tick, Toni.

Will you be careful with that dress,

please?

It's got sentimental value.

Ashley was conceived in it. Mam!

Too much, Paula.

Oh, minging.

Right. Craig

I'm gonna this party back on track.

Stuff you, Gloria.

Craig?

Theme k*ller.

Whoops!

DOOR OPENS

Toni!

You did not just do that, Toni.

Yeah, I did, actually.

Because you ruined my party.

It's not YOUR party.

It's Grace's party.

It would've been a flamingo party

before you got to her

and talked her out of it.

I-I don't know what

you're talking about.

Don't play innocent with me, Gloria.

You might have Craig fooled

but you can't kid a kidder.

Toni! You know what?

It's not me that's got him fooled.

My Craig has to do everything

for Grace.

Mum! Yeah, yeah, he's miserable,

in't he? He's miserable!

It's a breath of fresh air when you

come over, Gloria, it really is.

It's a f*cking relief! Stop it!

You're a failing actress

and a failing mother!

Oh, God!

Oh, Dane'll have that

if no-one else wants it.

Guys,

the kids are arriving in a bit.

Princess Elsa vibe's died,

hasn't it?

All gone a bit Blair Witch.

Never mind.

Let's all calm down.

That cake's all right,

you know, Gloria.

Ooh! I love Vicky sponge. Mm!

Victoria.

Toni

TONI SIGHS

Hey.

You all right?

How come everyone else can do it

and I can't? They can't.

Every mother on the planet

is one Colin The Caterpillar cake

away from a breakdown.

And anyone who says that they aren't

is a liar.

When I think about everything

Mam went through,

like struggling with addiction,

and she still managed to give me

a better fifth birthday party

than this.

Give over, Toni!

You sound like Phillip Schofield

introducing a new guest

on This Morning.

How do you not remember that party?

There were flamingos

hung on the washing line.

Mam never hung anything

on the washing line.

In fact,

she didn't even know how it worked.

I remember it so clearly, though.

Only me.

Paula said you were asking

about your fifth birthday.

What - do you remember it?

Oh, I remember everything clearly,

love.

I've got a mind like a steel trap,

me, in't it?

Were there loads of flamingos?

I can show you.

I've got everything on home video.

We don't have a video player.

No-one does, love.

I've had me archives digitised.

It's all on the cloud.

Toni!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

PAULA GIGGLES SOFTLY

Oh, my God!

Bloody hell!

Is that me?

Yeah. Yeah! Yeah!

THEY CHUCKLE

Hey.

Your dance moves haven't

changed much, have they, Tone?

Did our mam film this?

Don't be daft - it were me.

Look at that framing!

I'm Hull's Steven Spielberg, I am.

Yeah, I'd have kids

if I could guarantee

they'd turn out looking like that.

There! There, look.

There!

Flamingos.

f*ck me! I told you.

Mam was bloody brilliant that day.

She could be a tool but she pulled

it out the bag for me that day.

Auntie Toni, I really need

to tell you something.

Please can you come outside?

Aw, c-can we not?

Look,

I'm being really adorable here.

It's really important.

Cheers, Nima.

It's Ashley gonna break it

to Toni about her cake?

Someone needs to.

That thing's a shits how.

It was me who ruined the party,

Toni.

Earlier at the park,

Grace asked what a flamingo was,

so I showed her a YouTube video

of a little girl feeding one.

Only I didn't know, but

it attacks her. What?

SQUAWKING ON VIDEO

Oh!

SCREAMING ON VIDEO

Jesus Christ! The entire pigtail?

TONI GASPS

See? It's all my fault.

I ruined the party. I feel awful.

SHE SIGHS

It's not your fault, Ashley.

It's mine.

I should have asked Grace

what SHE wanted,

and then ignored that

and done a Frozen party.

That's what Mam used to do

at my parties.

It's her who loves Frozen, not me.

She's always singing Let It Go in

the bath and doing little farts.

She thinks we can't hear her.

That's gross.

Go on, then. Let's go back in.

Oh Gloria.

Your mam didn't put this party

together, and it weren't me, either.

f*ck off!

Is that you, Paula?

You were always there

for your little sis,

especially when your mam wasn't.

I did the party?

In't it?

Even gave yourself blisters

cutting out those flamingos

with my craft scissors.

It's gonna blow Toni's mind

when she sees this.

I'm gonna call her back in.

Hey, Toni, To

No. Don't.

I don't want her seeing this bit.

Nima, wipe it.

Our mam giving her this party's

Toni's one good memory of her.

Wipe it.

But it But it didn't happen.

SHE thinks it did, though.

And I'm not taking that from her.

Please, Nima wipe it.

Are you sure, love?

Yeah.

And neither of you dickheads

breathe a word.

Right?

Right.

SHE SIGHS

I'm Incepting that silly tart.

It's a lovely thing to do, Paula.

Where's Toni?

She's outside with Ashley.

Nima.

Gloria.

You on your way out somewhere?

You're very dressed up.

No. Just here.

It's a party, in't it?

Ooh.

Hang on.

There you go, love.

Your sausage dog.

Come on! Come on!

Can you get me? Oh, nearly.

Nearly, nearly. Oh!

What, you gonna get on the horsey?

Oh, Grace.

GRACE SQUEALS

THEY CHUCKLE

Ah.

Hang on a minute.

Come on, you go play on the slide.

Go play on the slide. OK, Mum.

Oh, wow!

My peace offering.

I should never

have called you a bad mum.

Yeah.

Or a bad actor.

No, well,

that's for the producers to say.

I used to perform myself.

I sang in a duet in the '70s.

A club act called Red & Ginger.

Oh, my God.

Craig never told me that.

Well, I never told him.

Wh?

It's I don't know what to say!

SHE LAUGHS

You should, Gloria.

It's really cool!

SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah!

I want to apologise for accusing you

of k*lling my theme.

Well, I hope you have a lovely day.

I really do.

Are you not staying?

It's your day, and Grace's.

I can see you put your back into it

and you're the main woman

in Craig's life now.

Not me.

Yeah, I am. You're right.

Mm.

But I want you to know that

you have single-handedly raised

the kindest man I've ever met.

I know I have.

But that's a lovely thing to say.

Yeah. Yeah.

MONKEY GIGGLES

TONI: Your mother is a psychopath

in Marks & Spencer's clothing,

Craig.

GRACE GIGGLES

DOORBELL RINGS

CRAIG: Kids are here.

Someone at the door.

I'll just go and

MUSIC: Flamingo

by Kero Kero Bonito

♫ Flamingo

♫ Oh, oh, oh-oh. ♫