02x01 - East Riding Romeo

[bunniefuu]

This programme contians
strong language

Not every day you have breakfast
on a millionaire's yacht.

He's a good lad, that Justin.

Says we can stay
as long as we like.

Shame we can't leave the marina,
though.

SHIP'S HORN HONKS

Oh. Incoming.

They have to cast me in this.
What's the part? Hamlet?

Rana, no. Ursula Sea Witch.

Ashley did my make-up.
Did the legs myself.

Are those my thermal leggings? Yeah.

Pity Paula's missing the fun.

Is she still drilling
up your place, Dane?

Yeah. It's like a branch
of Screwfix round ours.

Easy, love.
Remember, you're octopedal now.

I can do it.

sh*t! Toni!

I'm coming, Ton'!

Quick! Hold on!

# Give me strength

# Give me love

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. #

Rawlplug me.

Lovely little apprentice, you are.

Can I have Ashley's room,
now she's moved out?

Nice try, love.

I tell you what,

pass Mummy her drill
and I'll think about it.

DRILL WHIRS

HAIRDRYER WHIRS

Oh, babe, babe, babe. Electric bill.

But I'm all soggy.

Surely one soggy leg's all right,
innit?

Toni! I heard you fell in the sea.

Briefly.

That's a bold choice of foundation.

I'm afraid I won't be able
to come tonight, Craig.

I have a dinner engagement.
Oh, Mum.

Bake Off Night won't be the same

without you savaging
the showstoppers.

"You call that a sponge?
You're a joke, Sandra!"

SHE LAUGHS

I'm sorry. Something came up.

Just dropping off the baby sling
I got.

Someone in our family

needs to prepare
for our new arrival.

Right, well, I need to prepare
to steal a young mermaid's voice.

Excuse me, Gloria.
Got an audition to nail.

Break eight legs.

SHE LAUGHS

Thanks for hosting me
while my kitchen's being done.

The shine off my new cupboards
will blind a b*tch.

Right, I've got Dwayne Johnson's
back catalogue

and a box of Castle Del Blush
all lined up for us.

Mind your head.

The Rock and rose.

Now, that's what I call
a girls' night in.

Have you got everything you need?
Cos I'm not on duty till later.

There are a few bits
and bobs I could do with.

But don't you want to wait
for Captain Justin to return?

Nah. Saw him last night.

He'll be zonked till teatime
sleeping it off.

That's my girl.
Now let's hit up Boots.

Here, this is a bit of all right,
innit?

Better than Grace's old tatty one.
I know.

Oh!

Check it out.

I didn't get the part.

Oh, sh*t, yeah. Sorry.
You're in your sadness onesie.

Yeah, my due date being
on opening night is a "problem".

It's discrimination, Craig.

Don't worry babe.
There'll be more auditions.

No, there won't.
Who wants to hire this?

Come on, don't be like that.
Here, put your phone down.

Let's talk about it.
Not while you're wearing that.

Mm.

Sorry. I should have took baby
out first.

That is not a baby, Craig.

That is a chicken.
The baby is not here yet.

Sorry. I just got a bit excited.

Well, I was going places before this.

I had my acting classes in Leeds.
The big time.

I refuse to spend the next four
months thinking about babies.

Now if you don't mind,

I've got some mindless scrolling
to do.

SHE SIGHS

Oh, my God. Craig, your mum.

What? Is she OK?

She's changed her status
to "In a relationship".

He's called John Fox. No wonder
she's cancelled Bake Off Night.

She's out with some fancy man.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, my God. He's only 45.

He's 45?

This is an absolute gift.

I am genuinely feeling love
towards your mum right now.

I need to get
out of my sadness onesie

and into my triumph onesie.



Mum, how much stuff do you need?
You're only staying a week.

It's not for me.
It's for the menopause.

She's high maintenance.

For the hot flushes.

It's like being microwaved.
Proper mafting.

These are life-savers.

Surely the whole point
of the menopause

is you don't need those any more.
Dual purpose, in't it?

Pop a couple in your bra
to soak up night sweats.

Night sweats?
I get them something terrible.

Just the other week, I soaked
clean through my Silent Night.

That's sounds awful, Mam.
Well, can I do anything to help?

Unless you can turn me
into a middle-aged man,

then all I'd have to worry
about is my crypto

and how my pension plan's performing.

And my moobs.

Ah, lube.

Oh, Mam,

I don't mean to boast,
but I don't actually need those.

Stock up while you can, princess.

In our family,
Lady Menopause can turn up early.

She can?

POWER TOOL WHIRS NOISILY

Paula. Paula! Paula!

WHIRRING STOPS
Toni! Toni! Yeah.

You can't be here.
All this is toxic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get out.
Oh, come on, Paula.
I haven't seen you in weeks.

No-one has.

What, are you having an affair
with your power tools? Oh...

Listen, hey. Hey. Listen. Listen.

Have you got any prosecco
I can watch you drink?

Cos I have got gossip that will
restore your faith in humanity.

Listen. Come on! Come on!

Seriously! You're going to...
You're going to want to hear this.

SHE SIGHS

What?

Gloria. 45-year-old boyfriend.

And?

What? Did you hear me? f*ck.

Gloria. New fella. 45. 45!

OK, Toni, get out.
I've got work to do.

Oh, my God. Do... Do not...

Do not shut the door
on the greatest thing

that's ever happened!



WHIRRING RESUMES


'Ey up, Mum. Only me.

Give us a call back
when you get this, please.

John Fox's Facebook profile has
got no picture.

I'm suspicious.

Come on. Let's not make any
judgments till we've met him, eh?

Oh, come on, Craig.

What would a 45-year-old

with his whole life ahead
of him see in your mum?

Babe, it's nice
that she's finally met someone,

especially after being
on her own for so long.

So what if he's a bit younger?
Craig!

Please, let me have this.

Your mum's toy boy is all
I've got right now.

OK. Fine.

I'll go over in the morning
and get to the bottom of it.

Probably what John Fox is doing
to your mum, as we speak.

Toni!

POWER TOOL WHIRS, DEBRIS PATTERS

HE SPITS

Bloody hell.

No DIY at night, Paula.

I'm not lying in bed
feeling sorry for myself

when I could be lagging my rafters.

Sitting with your feelings
might be a good thing, you know.

I mean that book
about miscarriages said...

I know what it said,
but I chose to re-grout the bathroom

with my feelings
about Ash's miscarriage,

and now I'm converting the loft.

But Ash is doing great now, though,
with her course and flat.

It's not about Ashley. No?

Dane, love,

I just need to power tool
through my pain right now.

Here you are, love.

You stick them on.

You sleep on my side of the bed
so you don't breathe in fibreglass.

DRILL WHIRS

Hiya. Hiya, mate.
Can you help me with something?

Hi. Can I help you? Mate! Hello?

Sorry.

He can't see you, I'm afraid,
because you're menopausal.

What? If you'd like to come with me,
I can get you kitted out.

Our standard menopause outfit.

Got the elastic waistband
for the bloated days.



and a higher collar
to cover that turkey neck.

Turkey neck?

SHE GASPS

Eugh.

# Night sweats

# Night sweats

# Night sweats... #

KNOCKING ON WINDOW
Get back or I'll pepper spray...!

Oh... Get round!

HE SIGHS

Let me join you for a nap.

Here, have this.

Want to swap lives for a bit?

I thought you and mum
were having a great time.

We were, till she gave me
the lowdown on the menopause.

Eugh. There's this one thing
I can't stop thinking about, Dane.

It's horrific. Please don't.

Vaginal atrophy, Dane.

Vaginal...atrophy.

Eugh.
DOOR LOCKS CLICK SHUT

Out of all the cop cars in Hull,
I had to get into this one.

I had to pay Justin
an emergency visit,

in the marina last night.

f*cking knackered now.

Well, I've got to use it
before I lose it, though, right?

OVER RADIO: Attention all units.
Possible B&E, Thurlow Street.

Oh, sorry. I'd better get that.
LOCKS CLICK OPEN

DOOR SHUTS

Uh... What...?

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Mum! Are you there?

Paula. Paula, pick up.

We're on the trail
of the East Riding Romeo.

"East Riding Romeo"? Yeah,
he's got to have a nickname, Craig.

Haven't you watched any true crime?

SHE SIGHS
I think Paula's avoiding me.

Have you asked her about it?

You don't just ask Paula
about her feelings,

especially not when
she's got power tools.

Well, she's not in, so that's that.

Right. OK.

Wait, Toni, what are you doing?!

Toni! Toni!

What?! We're dealing
with a deranged criminal here.

Yeah, you.

SHE SIGHS
Fine.

Right. I'll go through her bins.

Many a cold case has been solved
through a bin rummage.

Eugh. Oh, my God.

I don't know what's more disturbing -

Gloria buying kinky underwear
or spending 10p on a carrier bag.

Oh, now I am worried.

Mum never goes anywhere
without her bag for life.

Mum?

What if the East Riding Romeo
sex trafficked her to Leeds?

She could be being pimped out.
I think you might be getting
a bit carried away, mate.

Remember when you thought
the milkman was spying on you?
This is bigger than I thought.

We need to get Rana on the case,
stat. Rana's already on the case.

Oh, great.
KNOCKING ON WINDOW

Get on the ground and spread 'em.

SHE CHUCKLES

Why are you wearing a scarf?

I ask the questions!

The East Riding Romeo sex trafficked
Craig's mum to Leeds?

Yeah. And the Ann Summers bag
is the smoking g*n.

Slam dunk. Let's bust this perp.

Put out an APB.

Never mind, I'll do it.

RADIO BEEPS
All units...

Get your grubby mitts off my radio.

I've had no sleep
and there's a lot on my mind,

so don't push me, Toni Callaghan.
SHE SIGHS

Did you notice
the plant on the window?

No. Well, the East Riding Romeo
didn't leave Gloria's pride and joy

in six inches of water
before he left,

so she clearly left
of her own free will.

So, you're officially
wasting my time,

which makes a change from
when you unofficially waste it.

Whatever weird couple thing
you're doing

to spice things up, it's over.

Leave the detecting
to the professionals, OK?

Sorry, Rana. It won't happen again.

Yeah, we're sorry, Rana.
It won't happen again.

Good.

MOUTHS SILENTLY: It will.

DRILL WHIRS

Toni, what have I said?
You can't be here.

There's fibreglass here.

There's all sorts of toxic stuff,
so just go.

I thought you might say something
like that.

You're avoiding me.

No, I'm not avoiding you.
Just very busy.

Well, I'm not leaving
till you tell me what's up.

I can't handle
that you get to have a baby

and Ashley doesn't.

It's not rational,

and I'm far too young to be a nan,
but that's how I feel.

So, I can't see you right now.

THEY BOTH SIGH

Oh, Paul.

No, I mean, I get it.
That totally makes sense.

Do you want this baby?

Don't take the piss, Toni.
I'm serious.

I'm going to need
so much baby-sitting, Paula.

It might be easier
to just sign it over to you.

That's not how grief works.

Thing is, I think I'm going
to resent it for ruining my career.

Mate, Grace already
ruined your career.

Yeah. She probably did, didn't she?

You've got nothing more to lose.
I think you're going to be fine.

Do you want to be my wingman
and crack the case
of the East Riding Romeo?

Nah, you're all right.

I'm three Rawlplugs away
from shelving perfection.

You'll be sorry when I'm on the news.

I'm sure I will.

DRILL WHIRS

Oh, Toni! Toni, help!

Ah!

Ah!

Ashley!

Hello! Look at you!

Aw, you're doing so well.

Hi, Auntie Toni.
What are you up to?

Well, I've been investigating
Gloria's new boyfriend.

I'm pretty sure he's a love fraud -
the East Riding Romeo.

Like on Netflix. Yeah.

I've been ringing
round restaurants to find out

where Gloria's dinner date is,
and now I'm going to spring my trap.

Does Mam know?
She's mad for a bit of true crime.

Can't go to sleep
without having a m*rder podcast on.

I know. I've told her.

But she's a bit busy,
you know, with her DIY.

Give her a ring, won't you?

I was going to ring her later,
actually.

Ask her how my grill works.

Great.

Right, can you work
some more magic on me

with your beauty skills?

Cos I need a disguise for my ambush.

THEY CHAT INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGH

THEY CONTINUE CHATTING AND LAUGHING

Sorry, mate. Back in you go.

PHONE VIBRATES

Emergency. Get down here.
I repeat, get down here.

Hi. Are you ready to order?

Um... Ooh.

Uh, I...

I'll just have another tap water,
actually.

That was delicious, thank you.

Gets me every time, Furious 7.

SHE YAWNS

Oh... Oh, sh*t. Did it end?

Not like you to sleep
through a Rockathon.

To be honest, Mam,
this whole menopause thing

is keeping me up at night.

I don't want to be invisible.

Who are you calling invisible?
I keep my hand in.

Oh, not you. I meant me.

I'm a very visible person.

Love, you've taken down crime lords.

Bonky ovaries are nothing.

And you'll never be invisible.
You've got my genes.

I'll be with you every step
of the way. Promise.

Same here. Whatever you need.

Herbs, lotions,

confiscated class A's
from the nick...

..you say the word.

Touch me.

Hi. Coffee? Yeah.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Toni, what are you doing?
Why are you wearing a wig?

I'm fine. And it suits me.
Look. I tracked them down.

Oh, my God.

You can't just come in here
and spy on my mum.

Craig!

Mum!

What a coincidence.

John Fox. Craig.

My son Craig and his, uh...Toni.

Abso-blooming-lutely delightful
to meet you both.

I've heard so much about you.
Well, you should join us.

No. We couldn't possibly...
I'd love to, yeah.

Hi, Toni. Craig. Nice to see you.

Where've you been, then, Gloria?

Touring the stately homes
of the East Riding.

Ranked by gluten-free options
and cleanliness of bathrooms.

Only English Heritage, mind.

The National Trust's been hijacked
by anarchists.

Did you get our messages, Mum?

Just cos I got a bit worried,
that was all.

I'm fine, Craigy.

John's quite
the chivalrous gentleman.

I pledge fealty to thee, my lady.

SHE CHUCKLES
No need to fight over me, boys.

And how did you two meet, then,
Gloria?

Slide into your DMs, did he?

Uh, John was litter-picking.

Proud member of
the Willerby Womblers right here.

I stopped to point out
a Mini Magnum wrapper

caught in a rhododendron...

And the rest,
as they say, was that.

Litter picking is just
one of John's hobbies.

He's quite the Renaissance man.

I like to try my hand
at carpentry...

He's a whizz on a lathe.

Oh.

A little something for you.

A gift for Gloria's special soldier.

Oh.

Thanks, mate.

I'm sorry for worrying you.

I should've told you
I was on a jaunt with John.

I just didn't want
to cause any fuss.

This was supposed to be
a quiet dinner for two.

DOOR OPENS

Right. Who am I fighting?

Oh, he's even fitter on the one.
When is he not?

SHE SCOFFS
Toni.

She wants to do a citizen's arrest.

Better get down there.
Need any backup?

As the Rock would say,
"Woman, I'm the cavalry."

Yeah, go on, then.

Just finish my lady petrol first.

So, you're the East Riding Romeo?

Well, I've not been called that
before. What's your name again?

John Barnaby Fox, at your service.

Ah! Is this your blog about
the historic brickwork of Hull?

Guilty as charged.

He's not the East Riding Romeo,
Toni.

The only one being defrauded here
is me.

Do not let him fool you.

He is a sheep in wolf's clothing.

I have a really strong feeling
in my gut, Paula.

I think that's your heartburn, mate.

Sorry about this, John.

Toni has an overactive imagination.

Yeah, babe. Let's go, eh?

I think we've caused
enough drama for one night.

I'm what you call
a nice cold can of whoop-a*s.

SHE CHUCKLES
Hiya.

Hobbs & Shaw. BOTH: Cracking film.

Nima?

John!

You know him?
We stepped out for a spell in '22.

Well, it was actually Nima
that taught me the pleasures

of a woman in her prime.

That's not all he learnt from me,
either. See? Not invisible.

Mum, you dark horse.

Toni thinks
he's the East Riding Romeo.

Aw, Ton', he's no love fraudster.

He's got skills, all right.

They might be criminal,
but it's not what you think.

I aim to please.
SHE CHUCKLES

Gloria, did you hear that? Nima.

John's the community p*nis.

Oh, Toni. I'm not naive.

Of course Hull's answer
to George Clooney

has a sexual history.

Well, now that's all been resolved,
shall we go, eh?

Yeah. Sorry, Mum.

Toni's got a lot on her mind
at the minute.

Shall we head back to mine, John?

I think it's time for pudding.

Yes, my queen.

I'm so glad you've finally did
something about your hair, Toni.

Bye, Mum.

"Pudding"?

Thanks for leaving your DIY for me.

It was a necessity
rather than choice.

Went through a water pipe.

Gaffered it over while
I wait for the Yorkshire Water.

Nice chicken that.
I'm taking that for my trouble.

Uh...

Oh, please. Just...

Oh, you can't see that.
It's gone. It's gone.

Oh, no. Give it here. It's fine.

Come on, gorgeous.
Right, love. Come on.

Get your coat on. It's cold outside.

Thing about family, Craig,
well, as tonight proved,

is that they're there
when I need them.

They did you think
you were in mortal danger,

but I take your point.

No, but it takes a village
to raise a child,

and you, Paula, Rana, Nima, Dane,
you are my village.

When this one comes,
you'll be there for me.

Night. Course we will.

And having a second kid
won't be that hard.

Nah. Twice the fun.

Dream on.

Shall we go to bed?

Oh, yeah. Keep the wig on.

SHE CHUCKLES

Actually, we need to get going
on those perianal massages.

Do you want to get the baby oil?
I just need you to loosen me up
for the big push.

I'll get my knickers off.

Mm-hm.

SHE SNORES

HE CLEARS THROAT

Why are you wearing a shirt?
It's Sunday.

Well, it's a special occasion.

Is it?

Yeah, um...

Yesterday was
the 12th anniversary of a night

I went for a drink and got
served a pint of line cleaner

by a very lacklustre barmaid...

..who I've been madly in love with
ever since.

Ooh!

Bloody Lego.

Toni Veronica Elspeth Callaghan...

..will you marry me?

Ah!

# I don't want you to want me

# I need you to forget me

# Yeah, I loved you
That was crazy

# Cos you just don't
motivate me... #