02x02 - The Paulster

[bunniefuu]

Toni Veronica Elspeth Callaghan...

..will you marry me?

SHE WHIMPERS

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

That doesn't sound like a yeah. Why?

Why are you doing this to me?
Because I love you.

And we always talked about
getting married one day. One day.

One day, not today. When we're
grown up and settled down.

I hate to break it to you, mate, but
we are grown up and settled down.

Don't say that!

We're young and we're wild
and we're free!

We own a bread maker. That we
don't use, Craig, that we don't use!

Where do you think those little warm
loaves come from that you like?

I don't know!

Hey, you can say no, Tone.

I promise I can handle it.
No, and I don't want to say no!

I just don't want to say yes either!
I wish you hadn't asked.

Yeah, me too now.

Just think about it, yeah?
I don't need an answer right away.

Just roll it around your head
for a bit. OK?

Uh...

OK.

URGENTLY: Craig. Yeah?

What's for breakfast?

Freshly-baked...

Cornfla...
You've got cornflakes, mate.

A'ight? You living here now, then?

Nah, Mum wanted to be left alone.

She's prepping for one of her
legendary all-day poker tournaments.

How much prep do you need
to play cards?

Oh, she were in an ice bath when
I left. Says it sharpens the mind.

Are you not invited?
Eww, too rich for my blood.

Those ladies come for everything.
Even I can't keep up.

Anyway, I've got a shift later.
Me too. Sunday drudgery.

Oh, you're both here. Thank God.

What's up wi' you?
Craig. It's Craig.

What? What's happened? Is he OK?

Uhh... He's asked me to marry him.

Ohh... Yeah, he said
he were going to do that.

You knew? What's the big deal?
You're practically married already.

No, we're not! We're dating.
We're boyfriend and girlfriend.

We're going steady! All right, Sandra
Dee. When's the big day, then?

Didn't say yes.
You've turned him down? No.

Ran away. Ohh...

Craig really is a lucky man.
Rana, I had to.

He kept looking at me
with his sad eyes.

Listen, can I hide out here
with you, Paula?

Sorry, Tone.
The grindstone calls. Yep,

and for me. Oh, I hope
it goes better than yesterday.

God, that were brutal.
Had to do a death call.

What's a death call? Knock, knock.
Who's there?

Police. Your dad's dead.

Your dad's dead who?

Oh, right. Except it wasn't right.

This fella in Southcoates
had a few lads over.

Bit of FIFA, few tinnies.
Classic night in.

I turn up, looking how I do,
and they think I'm a strippagram.

Start yelling, "Get 'em off"
and pawing at my handcuffs. Huh!

Well, the mood soon changed
when I told him his dad
had been decapitated

in an RTA on the Cottingham Road.
Oh, my God.

Today's got to be an improvement.
No, no, no, don't leave!

Rana, please! Please!

Where will I go? Home.

But then I'll have to talk to Craig.
Er, exactly.

Paula, Paula.
I don't want to be alone.

Then, get married.

# Yeah, you want what I got,
want to pick a fight

Hiya.

# If you need a little something,
tell me what you like

# Yeah, because I'm a bad b*tch... #

HE LAUGHS

All right, Chris, mate?

You've left your undies
in my locker.

Oh, word to the wise, mate,

that nylon thong's going to give you
cystitis. Nah, that's yours, Rans.

It's for your next house call.
Oh, right.

Heard about that, then, have you?
So did you tell him
about his dead dad

before or after the lap dance?
All right, mate. Drop it.

Yeah. Drop it like it's hot.

HE LAUGHS
Dickhead.

All right, Rans.
Just a bit of banter.

Is there a receipt in your locker?

Just because I've got to take
all that stuff back.

Paulster.

What we doing outside, Bri?
I forgot the key.

DOOR CHIMES
Blimey, Paulster. That were ace.

PA: # Woop-woop!
That's the sound of da police

# Woop-woop! That's the sound...

How'd you do that? Bluetooth, mate.

Welcome to The Paulster's
Sunday Session. # Woop-woop...

I'll stick kettle on.
I love shifts with you.

Course you do.
Let's hope it's a quiet one.

No annoying customers.

DOOR CHIMES

Paula.

DOOR OPENS

Craigy. That's a well-pressed shirt.

Oh, God. Mum. I totally forgot
I invited you for a roast.

Greetings and salutations,
young Craig.

Oh.

A little something for you.
Thanks, mate.

It's... A literal and metaphorical
clean slate.

A fresh start...for all of us.

After Toni's appalling behaviour
last night.

Where is she?
Having one of her famous lie-ins?

SHE SCOFFS
Quite the slugabed.

No, she's gone out actually.
After I asked her to marry me.

Oh. Craig...

Craig... May I be the first

to wish you congratulations
and felicitations.

Thanks, mate.
Actually, she didn't say yes.

Well, in that case, commiserations
and consolations.

Thanks, mate. Craig,

I'm so sorry.

Still, plenty more fish in the sea.

That Tash from my ramblers group
was asking after you again.

We're... We're not splitting up.

She's just not sure she wants
to marry me, that's all.

Then, she's a fool.

Any woman would feel lucky
to marry you.

I would. So would I. You're
a prime catch, young Craig.

Reel you in.

Ohh! Just like that. Reel you in.

Come on!
Come on. Come on, out you get.

# Give me love...

Ha-hey! Officer Hot Stuff's here.

PUMPING MUSIC PLAYS

Have you guys not got any work
to do? You know a man died, right?

Look, can I get a private dance,
baby? You've got five seconds

to get away from me or you'll never
be able to enjoy a stripper again.

Ooh, don't be like that, baby.

f*ck you.

Just give you a tip.

Arghh! Go on, do it.

What's this, all part of
the service?! I'm not paying extra!

Shut up! Oi! Bansal!

What the bloody hell's going on?
Sarge...

She's lost it, boss. We were only
having a bit of a laugh. Inside.

Now!

Keep your hair on, Rans.
And your hat on.

Cor, you can't say anything now,
can you? Did you film it?

I want to make a complaint, sir.
What, against Garrett?

The colleague you just assaulted?
He's been on my case all morning.

About this stripper thing?
Bloody hell, Bansal, do you not
think you're overreacting?

You don't want to look like
you can't take a joke.

It's just a bit of banter.
It's not banter, Sarge,
it's sexual harassment.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
That's a very big word.

Actually, sir, it's two words.
Don't get smart, I'm trying to help.

You know Chris's dad plays squash
with the Chief Constable?

Not very often, given the size
of the Chief Constable.

What did I just say
about getting smart?

Chief Constable is very sensitive
about his weight.

It's just a bit of banter, Sarge.
Can he not take a joke?

Now, look. Professionally,

I'm very happy for you
to make a complaint.

But, personally, I suggest
you go and apologise to Chris

and we'll say no more about it.

You want me to apologise to him?
I just want a quiet life, Rana.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE

Good luck with that.

What's that? Cement.

Oh, so what's that, then?

Also cement. It's a pallet
of cement. Clear off.

I thought we're not supposed
to speak to customers like that.

She's not a customer, Brian.
She's my sister Toni.

Didn't know The Paulster
had a sister.

"The Paulster"?
Yeah. It's just a nickname.

So, er, do you work in DIY
as well, Toni?

Oh, God, no, never.

I'm an actor. No way!

Never met an actor before.
That's really cool.

That's really cool, that, innit,
Paulster? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.

She's going now. Can you stick
playlist back on, please, Brian?

So have you ever been on't telly?
I've done some commercial work, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, for Coniston
Garden Centre. She was a slug.

Were that you? I loved that slug.

The way you shrivelled up at end,
it were class. "I'm melting!"

Do you know what, I improv-ed
that line. No, you never.

You stole it from
the Wicked Witch of the West.
Can you go home, please?

Oh, please don't make me go home.
I can't face Craig.

Who's Craig?
He wants me to marry him.

Well, I bet that happens
all the time when you're an actress,

men throwing themselves at you.
It does actually. God.

Must be something about
my star quality or...

Oh, for God's sake.
Craig's her partner, Brian.
DOOR CHIMES

They live together.
She's pregnant with his child.

Just marry him.
Marriage is what boring people do.

I've been married for 17 years,
Toni. Yeah, Paula,

and I don't want to end up like you,

married

and working in some factory.
It's a DIY store, Toni.

She has got a point, Paulster.
She doesn't want to end up boring
like me and you.

Like me?

BELL DINGS
Hey-up, customer alert.

No, no, no. No, I can handle it.

You stay chatting to Toni.
She's the interesting one.

So, have you done any of the soaps?

I don't really see myself as
a soap actress. I'm more classical.

Oh, right. Just because I've got
a cousin that worked on Emmerdale.

I mean, I love Emmerdale, God.

Yeah, I'd be great on Emmerdale.

Just see me with a shepherd's crook.

Do you think they
could get me an audition?

Oh, well, I could ask. I mean,
anything for The Paulster's sister.

Anything. Great.

How's the gammon looking, John?
Responding very well to my touch.

Mmm, I know how it feels.

Oh, still not heard from Toni, Mum.
Imagine if she says no.

Just always dreamt
we'd get married one day.

I know, love. You used to
hold weddings for all your teddies.

John doesn't need to hear that.
Don't worry about that, young Craig.

I've already seen the photographs.
Brilliant...

You know, marriage isn't always
the answer.

It can complicate things.

Look at me and your father.

Marriage isn't the reason Dad slept
with all those other women, Mum.

It was his philandering soul.
Damn his eyes.

Imagine going out for burger
when you've got steak at home.

Oh! Still, his loss is my gain.

John and I are clear
we'll leave our own knot untied.

But we may make a home together.

Wow, Mum.
That's...moving really fast.

Don't worry, Craig.
You'll always be my best boy.

Mine too.

But wherever I roam,

my heart will always be
at Emmerdale Farm.

Was that all right? I've never
actually watched Emmerdale.

Er, it were all right, yeah.
No. I didn't feel it. Let's go again.

It's got to be
perfect for your cousin.
I will send it off to him, Toni.

It's just that he only fixed wall
at Woolpack that one time

and I don't know
how much sway he's got.
He'll have made contacts though.

Will he?
Yeah, it's how the industry works.

It's who you know. You know,
wheels within wheels
and backroom deals.

Right. If you say so.
Yeah. Let's go again.

There's a delivery out back
that needs bringing in, Brian.

When you've got a minute, yeah?
I mean, only if you've got time.

All right, Paulster, I'm coming
right now. No, no, no, no!

One more, one more. Look, I always
get into my stride around take 28.

You don't mind, do you, Paula?

No, no, I don't mind at all.
Cool as, me.

You get Toni's take.
f*ck the Paulster.

Great.

I'd better go, really, hadn't I?
She's a bit het up.

Oh, God. That's just Paula.
She's always like that.

The Paulster's chillaxed to max.
Chillaxed? Have you seen her

do a big shop?
You don't know her like I do.

Well, I do know her a little bit.
I've been working with her
quite a while now

and, from day one,
she's always been The Paulster.

Well...I've been her sister
for 35 years

and when I'm around,
she's always stressed.

Yeah, there's a mystery.
Let's go again. Brian,

really try and capture
what I'm giving you, OK?

Come a bit closer. Erm...
OK, I'll do it from that other bit.

There's something wrong
with these sheep, Mr Fothergill.

Ohh... There's something wrong
with these sheep, Mr Fothergill!

Arghh! Paulster?!

SHE SIGHS
Are you all right?

Yep. It's just a bruised coccyx.
I'm fine.

Ohh. Careful, Paula.

You ruined that take.

Hiya, Sharon. Here, Rana,

seen this?

Oh, my God,
he's downloaded Photoshop.

It was up in the break room. Who...

Who do you think?
Chris bloody Garrett. Of course.

The Archbishop of Banterbury!

Someone ought to teach that boy a
lesson. Except they can't, can they?

Because his dad's tight
with the Chief Constable.

He's untouchable.
I don't know, love.
I don't think anyone's untouchable.

You just have to work out
how to touch them.

PHONE RINGS

Where is he? Out on patrol.

Do you know anyone in Dispatch,
Sharon? I've got a few friends.

He's got a few enemies. How would
they feel about doing us a favour?

"Hello, love."
Mam, hiya. How's it going?

"Just bagged Cathy's Ford Mondeo."

Cathy's Mondeo? Nice.

Listen, erm, do you think
you and your ladies

would be able to do something
for me?

Hiya. There you go.

Why didn't you tell me
Barry's cousin works for Emmerdale?

Barry? He's called Brian.

You all right?
Yeah. Nothing a hot bath

and a bugger load of codeine
won't sort.

You know your problem, don't you?
What?

You never ask for help.
You don't see me hefting cement.

Oh, so THAT'S my problem, is it?

Not my little sister herding pretend
sheep down the plumbing aisle?

Well, yeah, that and the help thing.
Just go home, Toni, please,

and leave me to my grout
and my stopcocks.

Because I was happy
with my stopcocks.
Please don't make me go home.

Craig'll... What? Ask you to marry
him? What is so scary about that?

I just don't want to be tied down.
What if this Emmerdale thing happens?

It won't.
Brian's cousin can't help you,

unless you need a wall skimming.
Just grow up.

I'm just... I'm still waiting
for my big break.

Like, what if....

What? Something better comes along?!

You're 35, your five months gone

and you live in Hull.
Spielberg isn't calling.

Yeah, you don't know that.
He might have seen my slug.

He didn't see your slug. No-one did.

Go home and say yes to that nice man
who wants to marry you

because then you'll be his problem
and not mine.

Yeah, well, Barry saw my slug,
actually, and he f*cking loved it!

It's Brian.

He loved it.

Yeah, I reckon that's all sorted now
and no harm done.

What's happened to Toni?
She just made a dramatic exit.

Oh, that's a relief.
What? I thought you loved her.

I know she's your sister, but,
Christ, she's hard work, Paulster.

Yeah, I know.
She is a literal pain in the arse.

Yeah, I bet. She's obviously a
little bit lost without you though.

Do you reckon?
She's lucky to have you, Paulster.

Has she took my phone?

MUSIC: Get Busy
by Sean Paul

Police. Open up.
MUSIC OFF

Hello? We've had a complaint
about noise from this address.

Have you, now? Can I come in?
I think you'd better, Officer.

It has been very loud, you know.

We've had a fair few
screaming orgasms.

You what? I'm afraid
we've been very, very bad girls.

Ladies! He's here!

MUSIC BACK ON
You don't understand!
I'm a real police officer!

Get hold of your truncheon!
What... Don't put your hand there!

Police! Don't touch that!

Hiya. Hey-up. Where have you been?

We were supposed to have lunch
with Mum today.

It doesn't matter now.
I've got an answer for you.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I'll marry you.

Oh, mate. Yeah.

I'll settle down and I'll be a wife.

That's great, Toni.

I love you. Yeah, I love you too.

And, erm,

I want you to, er, teach me
how to use the bread maker.

It's really simple. You just
pour flour in the...top bit...

Is everything OK? WHIMPERING: Yeah.

I'm never going to be a star,
so I might...

SHE EXHALES
Heh...

So I might as well, erm,
yeah, get married.

Baby, you are a star.
That's I want to marry you.

No, it's OK, Craig.
Look, Paula set me straight.

I'm just a...a w-woman in Hull

and that's all I'll ever be, so...

..let's get married.

Erm...

Yeah.

VOICE TREMBLING: I've got the flour.
What does the bread maker look like?

Where do you keep it?

Come here. No, no.

Let's not.

Let's not get married.
SHE EXHALES

But that's what you want.

I want to be with you.

And I am.

And I think we've got a good thing
going. That's what I think.

Then, let's not mess with it, eh?

Oh, God, Craig!

SHE SNIFFS AND SIGHS

You're the only person
in the world I want to not marry.

You're a knobhead.

I know.

HE KISSES

All right, Chris. Good shift?

Anything to report? Nothing of note.

MUSIC: Get Busy
by Sean Paul
SIRENS BLARE

LAUGHTER
Come on, mate,
give us the full debrief!

Get 'em off, Chris.
Stop laughing. It's not funny.

Their hands were everywhere.
Oh, it's just a bit of banter, mate.

Can you not take a joke?
Buy yourself some nice undies.

Little tip - cotton gusset.

Get lost. Aww, you just can't
say anything these days.

Come on, Chris. Don't cry.

Little baby.

THE VACCINES: # Great Dane's
cheekbones, teenage hormones

# Young complexion,
non-physical affection...

Mm. They're doing Mary Poppins
at Hull New Theatre.
I'd be brilliant at that.

Course you would. You're
practically perfect in every way.

Aww. That's sweet. No, it's a line
from the... Doesn't matter...

I wonder if I know anyone
who can get me an audition.

Give us a minute, Craig. Yeah, sure.

Can you just keep an eye on
the pan for me though?

I think The Paulster

might've been a bit out of line...

..earlier.

Ohh... That's all right.

I'd probably be pissed off
if you came bothering me at work.

What work's that exactly?

You're right, Toni, it's your life.

Who am I to tell you how to live it?

Spoke to Craig? Yeah. And?

We're not going to do it.

I'm not cut out to be a wife. It's
far too much cooking and cleaning.

How's the pan looking, Tone?
It's fine.

You want to stay for tea? Yeah.

Craig, one more for tea. Righto.

DOOR SHUTS, SHE PUFFS

It is exhausting fighting misogyny.

I had to drive to Grimsby
to get a disco ball.

But, long story short,
I won and I need a drink.

Craig, get Rana a drink.
They only think about themselves.

Bloody men.

I wouldn't say no to one of those,
Craig.

Do you want to stay for tea? Ta.
Yeah, go on, then.

Rana's staying for tea. OK. Cool.

Hey, little peanut. Hey,
it's your favourite Auntie Rana.

PHONE RINGS
Favourite?
Babe, get the phone for me, please.

I'm not your secretary, Craig.
SHE CHUCKLES

Yep. See this is why
I don't believe in marriage.

Men expect their wives to do
everything for 'em. Hello?

Chin-chin.
GLASSES CLINK

Bloody hell, Paula.
Watch those glasses.

You still puking in the morning?
No, I'm just f*cking knackered

and I've got piles.
No, no... Well, of course I do.

Smell the wine! Right, OK. Cheers.

Yeah, yeah. OK, goodbye. Are you
two not getting hitched, then? No?

No, no, we're going to keep
everything exactly the way it is now.

THEY LAUGH

What? What's the matter?

It's the landlord.
He's selling the house.

MUSIC: Stayin' Alive

# You can tell by the way
I use my walk

# I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

# The music loud and the women warm

# I've been kicked around
since I was born

# It's all right, it's OK

# You may look the other way

# But we can try to understand

# The New York Times' effect on man

# Whether you're a brother
or whether you're a mother

# You're stayin' alive,
stayin' alive... #