02x06 - Toni and Craig Forever

[bunniefuu]

ALARM BEEPS
What time is it?

T-minus nine hours till
Toni's wedding.

Time to get started.

Just a few people in
the back garden, though, isn't it?

Ha!

Mum, what's for breakfast?

You all right, Batman?

I'm not having tired eyes on my
wedding day.

Er, where are all the chairs?

From Jill at 43. She said she's got
a fold-up one too, if you want it.

Good lad. Keep 'em coming.

Sally at 46, now.
Mind her Jack Russell.

They're not gonna match.

When I agreed to host,
what did we agree, Craig?

I'm on logistics.

I'm on vibes.
TOGETHER: And Toni's doing nothing.

So don't step to me about my chairs,

I won't step to you about
that centrepiece.

Me and Mum spent a whole afternoon
on this. A whole afternoon?

Yeah. We went foraging in
a wild flower meadow.

They're cornflowers,
to match Toni's eyes.

Bloody hell. That looks amazing.

See what did I tell you?
Are those cornflowers?

Dane, don't stain the tablecloths.
I'm returning them after.

Right you are, love.

# Gimme strength... #

I want to look like
a 21st century Julia Roberts.

I'm trying, Auntie Toni.

I've based my speech on her
monologue in Erin Brockovich.

You're doing a speech?
That's well feminist. Good for you.

Yeah, my final starring role

before this one upstages me
next week.

What you gonna call him?

Oh, you know how blokes always name
their sons after themselves?

Aw, you're gonna call him Craig?

No, Tony with a Y.

Aww, hello, my little flower girl.

You ready to throw some petals?

Granny said it's just
a pretend wedding today.

Oh, thank you, Gloria.
Is it pretend?

No. Well, tomorrow we're gonna sign
some papers.

But today's the bit that matters.
Cos you're here.

I found this in the Rice Krispies.

What's this?

Oh, that's just a silly letter.
You go get your petals.

"Notice of eviction"?

Yeah, it's the landlord doing
a power play.

He's all mouth, no trousers.

Auntie Toni, it looks serious.

Yeah, why do you think I hid it
in the Rice Krispies?

Craig just worries these things.

There - sorted. Oh!

Baby kicking.

As this is a no-cost wedding,

I'm here in lieu of a Rolls-Royce,

to escort you, beautiful lady,
to the venue.

You look amazing, Gran.

Hey, less of the grandma.

And if any fellas ask,
I'm your sister.

When you're ready.

How are those lights coming on,
Dane?

Looking ace, mate. Impactful.

Are you sure you don't need
any help? No. Vibes are in hand,

thank you, Paula.
Just finishing twining my ivy.

Incoming. Craig, close your eyes.
Bad luck to see the bride, in't it?

Oh, I don't believe in bad luck.

He's been waiting for this his whole
life. Drink it in, Craig.

Toni! Get inside. Quick.

The bedroom's all set up for you.

Nobody move until I've sorted
that glass.

Someone's not a happy camper.

Yeah, she's been a bit busy, warming
a few sausage rolls and whatnot.

Peggy Babcock. Peggy Babcock.
Pebby Gab...

Peggy Babcock. Pebby...
Peggy Babcock. Peggy Babcock...

You speaking in tongues?
No, I'm doing my vocal warm up.

How warm do you have to be
to say "I do"?

No, for my speech. Based it on Julia
Roberts' monologue

in Erin Brockovich. You know, when
she takes the water company down.

I've always wanted to perform that
in front of an audience.

Isn't that about people's
spines deteriorating?

Oh, yeah, but I've adapted it.
To make it about love and stuff.

Oh. Anyway, nice of you to show up.

Where've you been for
the last few weeks?

Oh, just with Pickles. Oh, warmed up
to the most miserable man

in Yorkshire, have you?
He's actually really thoughtful.

People just think it means
he's miserable.

Where is he? Oh, he's taking
a walk through graveyard.

He says weddings make him
think about the transience of life.

Never knew blokes
could be interesting.

What about Craig?
Craig's hobby's polishing shoes.

Oh, well you don't complain when
he's polishing yours.

Right, I've got most of it,

but I'm not having you going out
there barefoot.

Paula, that is what boho is.
Bare feet.

Well, boo-hoo.
That AstroTurf's on hire.

I'm not having you severing
an artery on it. Now wear these.

They're brand-new, those. Real
shearling, so don't stain them.

My God.

I don't know what's she so
stressed about. It's my wedding day.

She's only hosting.
Can't imagine, Toni.

Is this the Blair-Callaghan wedding?
That's us.

I'm Jason Pickles. With Rana.

I'm Dane.
Rana's told us loads about you.

I never normally get
to meet her fellas. How come?

Oh, there's just so many of them,
they come and go so fast.

No, forget that.
Aw, what you got there?

Oh, it's a bit of light reading.
Shakespeare's Love Sonnets.

Right. Rana said you were
a big reader.

You read anything by Peter Kay?

No.

Well, you should.

I will. Yeah.

Thanks for helping, Lisa.
Anything for you, Craig.

If Toni doesn't show,
you know where I am.

What's this? Oh, I put out a PTA
SOS and Lisa came up trumps.

What's wrong with these chairs?

They're mismatched.
It's a boho wedding.

What do you think boho means?

Like wicker and twine
and wild flowers.

No, no,
it means really bloody cheap.

This is a budgetless wedding, Craig.

Actually, er, Bohemianism was
a 19th century artistic movement.

It's not important.

It's just a little tweak, Paula.
I didn't think you'd mind.

I don't mind.
I don't mind at all.

No, chill as, me.
The end of the day,

they're just f*cking chairs,
aren't they?

Paula. Wait till the nicotine's
kicked in.

OK. You can speak now. What is it?

Tablecloths the wrong colour?
Egg salad not to your taste?

Nah, it's great, Paula. Honestly.
You're doing an amazing job.

Except on chairs, apparently.

I know, I'm sorry. I shouldn't
have... No, you shouldn't.

I've worked my arse off
for you two.

I know. I just wanted today to be
perfect. Like Toni.

CACKLES

Toni? Perfect?

She cupped a buttock.
She ruined a gender reveal.

She's inside rehearsing
an Erin Brockovich monologue.

Oh, God love you, Craig.

I just want her to have
the wedding she deserves.

She will, mate.

I'll take the chairs back.
Nah, you're all right.

I'm pretty sure Sue's slat back's
got dry rot.

Having second thoughts, love?

Because Sarah from church has been
asking after you.

No, no. No second thoughts, Mum.

Just having a little joke.
GIGGLES

I'm on my best behaviour today.

Oh, I got you something,
young Craig.

Buttonhole.
I lathed it for you.

Thanks, mate.

T-minus one hour. Time to get suited
and booted, Craig.

Let's get this show on
the road.

PIANIST SWINGS WEDDING MARCH

Of course, the true Bohemians
eschewed permanent ties.

My kind of people.

Borrowed AND blue.

It's just like in my wedding book.
I feel a bit bloated.

Nah, doesn't show.

Friends, family, we are gathered to
celebrate the love of Toni and...

Craig! Too late, Shar.
I'm marrying him.

There's bailiffs at your place
taking your stuff.

What? But we're up-to-date on rent.

Oh, this is outrageous.
Don't worry, I'll sort it.

They can't do this without
an eviction notice.

Auntie Toni,
you'll have to tell him.

Tell me what, Toni? Mummy hid a
letter in the Rice Krispies.

Thanks, and I didn't hide it,
I filed it.

In the Rice Krispies?
Well, it doesn't matter now anyway

cos I think we've got bigger things
to worry about.

What can possibly be bigger than
this? I think my waters just broke.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

What is happening, Craig?
You're nine months gone,

you're cramping
and your waters have just broke.

I think you're in labour, mate.
No. I can't be.

He's not due till next week.
Blair boys always come early.

Craig caught me unawares
in Debenhams.

I did say when I got my
wedding e-vite.

Well, he can't be here yet, Gloria,
cos I've not even done my
speech yet.

I need to give the people what
they want.

Look, they're not here to see you
giving birth, Tone.

Let's just go. Come on.
They're taking your sofa.

DFS - very nice.

Oh, for God sa...
I'll sort it, Toni.

Come on, love, this way. Come on.
We need to get you to hospital.

It's too late, Craig. It's coming
now. Just call the midwife.

Just come upstairs with me now.
Come on upstairs.

Let's just get you a lie down.

Thing is, you just get a much warmer
sound with vinyl.

Oi! Put that stuff back,
right now.

No can do.
This place is being repossessed.

It isn't.

This is the HQ of the biggest drug
operation in the East Riding.

You sure? It's just full of very
clean shoes and hippy rugs.

We've been watching this place
for months.

Haven't we, Pickles?

Right, yeah. Months.

You get in the way of two years
of police work,

and I'll make it my personal mission
to bring you two down.

Us? What have we done?

You tell me.
Is your van fully insured?

No unpaid fines?
Your tax all in order?

You heard her. Get it all back in.

Good lad.

Look, this is gonna pass,
we've got ages. Honestly.

I'm gonna do my speech.
No, no. No. OK. Well,

let's get you a lie down then
until it does, eh?

No! No-one go anywhere.
All right.

No-one go anywhere.
This wedding is still happening.

Craig, don't let anyone leave.
Do not let anyone leave.

Craig, John and I will handle
the guests.

Amazing. Thank you.

Hello, everyone. Remain seated.

A slight hiccup in proceedings.
But fear not.

I happen to have a
background in light entertainment.

KEYBOARD GLISSANDO

If you frequented Leeds nightclubs
in the '70s...

'60s. ..you might remember
a double act called Red and Ginger.

Never heard of 'em...

Take it away, John.

KEYBOARD PLAYS: Come On Eileen
by Dexys Midnight Runners

# Poor old Johnnie Ray... #

VAN DEPARTS

What?

Insecure housing's
a stain on our society.

But the law is the law.
They ignored an eviction notice.

Oh, that's just Toni.
She can't handle stuff like...

Well, like anything really.
Is she worth losing your job over?

What you gonna do, grass me up?

No. But someone will,
sooner or later.

You're the best cop I've worked
with. Don't waste that.

I'm not gonna.

Best you've worked with?
By far.

In fact, there's something I wanted
to ask you. Something big.

Oh, this better not be what
I think it is, Pickles.

HR sorted my transfer to the Met.

You're leaving? But what about...

Come with me.
You'd thrive in London.

I thrive here.
Do you? Yeah.

Look at what you end up doing
for your mates.

Covering up your mum's HRT scam.
Menacing a bailiff.

And you even tasered
a fellow officer.

Yeah, and I'd do it again.

Just...

Just think about it. Please?

# Come on, ta-loo-rye,
loo-rye aye... #

Wasn't expecting
to see Gloria's gusset today.

Come on.

# La da da-da, oooh... #

Come on!

Oh, God, I can't believe he's doing
this to me.

He's gonna have the next 18 years.

Couldn't he at least give me today?
Just keep breathing, Tone.

Spot of news. Just spoke to
the midwife. What's the ETA?

She's at a prolonged labour
but she's sending someone else.

So when are they getting here?


We don't have 45 minutes.
It's happening now.

On my second-best duvet cover.

I'm gonna fetch
the birthing playlist.

Yeah, like that's gonna make all
the difference.

Well, it has very soothing vibes.

TONI GRIMACES

# Come on...

# At this moment,
you mean everything... #

Can I get this shower curtain under
you, Tone?

Bailiffs are sorted, Tone.

Rana, Rana! I need you.

f*ck off, Paula!

Rana! Rana, please.

Make yourself useful.
And get her knickers off.

No, Paula.
Nothing gynaecological. Please.

Take the head end, then. Quickly.

Hiya, mate. You all ri... Argh!

Christ, you're strong.

Why? Why? Why? Why did I do this?!

I don't know. Oh, my God you're
crowning. Crowning.

# These boots are made for walking

# And that's just what they'll do

# One of these days these boots are
gonna walk all over you... #

Paula, what shall I do?
Hold her. Just hold her.

You're squeezing my arm
a bit tight, Toni.

Help me? What do you want me to do?

Go back in time
and give you a condom?

Toni, I think it's time to push.

I can't. I can't. I'm not ready.

Come on.

f*ck, have I done a poo?
No, no...

Where's Craig?!
I'm gonna f*cking k*ll him!

Hello. Mind if I come in?

Is Mummy OK?

She's being a bit noisy
but that's Mummy, eh?

BUMPS HEAD
Oh, you...

What if the baby has
nowhere to live?

Oh, don't worry, darling.

Daddy will sort it.
That's my job, right?

Yeah. That's your job.

Come here. Give me a cuddle.

Look at me. Look at me.

This is your big day.
You are the leading lady.

This is your big number, so make
sure they can hear you at the back.

Come on, Toni Callaghan - push.

Oh, my God. Put you leg down.

Just a bit wider.

Calm down. It's nearly here.

Look at me. PUSH! PUSH!

THEY SCREAM

TONI SCREAMS

Is she... Is she all right?

She's just having a baby,
it's all right.

Yeah, but she sounds like..
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I'm a grandmother! Again!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

That should be my applause.

I won't ask for an encore.

Hey, you little scene-stealer.

You owe me a new duvet cover.

Congratulations, Craig.

Hiya, mate.

You've picked a helluva time. Hey?

I'm sorry.

What for? He's absolutely perfect.

No. For hiding the eviction notice.

And...hiding being in labour.

Well, as long as you're not hiding
anything else from me.

No.

That were mental.

Yeah, f*cking mental, mate.

Toni Callaghan?
Back bedroom.

I've done the hard yards.
You can take it from here.

Right.

Go on, sexy.

You all right?

Yeah, just contemplating
the transience of life.

Yeah, me too.

Look, Pickles...
I know.

This lot -

they'd be screwed without me.

And I'd be screwed without them.

So, London?

I don't think I can go.

And I don't think I can stay.

So where does that leave us?

Well, you know my motto.

"Cheer up, Pickles,
you miserable b*stard"? No!

Have fun tonight
and worry about it in the morning.

Spoken like a true Bohemian.

Take cake, love.

Thanks for coming. Cake.

Bit of red velvet.
Ah, thanks, Nima.

We'll be in touch about the re-do,
in't it? All right. Bye.

So, we had to explain, didn't we,

that actually we weren't dogging -
we were batting.

He's a regular Chris Packham,
in't he, our John?

Yes. My John.

Who'd like to meet our son?

These painkillers are great.
Are they?

I'm having a really nice time.
That's good.

He's got my nose.

No, Dane,
that's not how genetics work.

Unless there's something you
need to tell us, Toni.

Good one, Gloria.

TONI CACKLES

You all right, love.

That was funny.

Oh, he's so cute.

He looks just like you.
A little Craig.

Just need to work out where he's
gonna live now.

About that...

John and I put in
an offer on your place.

If it's accepted, you can stay.

Mum. That's too much.

Oh, you'll still be paying rent.
This is my retirement fund.

Oh. Mate's rates though, right?

Hmm, we'll discuss that.

You're all right, you, Doreen.

I guess you're our landlord now.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Oh, in that case, the shower really
does need replacing, you know,

cos it's not been the same
since I ripped it off the wall.

You know when I was trying to mas...
Yeah, we know. We know.

So, are you still getting married?

Well, we still have the arch,
we still have the rings.

We've written the vows.
What else do we need?

Well, officially,
er, you need an officiant.

Oh, I've done a few weddings
and some funerals, too.

Cash in hand. End of day, it's money
in your back pocket, in't it?

Well, we wanted a boho
wedding, darling.

Doesn't get much more boho
than this?

What do you say?
Still want to get married?

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We did it. We're married.

Not in the eyes of the law.

Although it'll all be taken care of

when you go to the registry
office tomorrow. What time is it?

Oh, I'm not sure. Toni booked it,
didn't you, Tone?

Do they not do walk-ins?

Never mind.
This is all I ever wanted, anyway.

Sorry for trying to arrest you
that time. Out of order, that.

It's not my first.
It won't be the last.

I'm no stranger to
the strong arm of the law.

You wanna hold on to this one,
love. I know.

We've decided on a name.

He's gonna be Paul.
In honour of you, Paul.

For giving us giving us
the best wedding ever.

And pulling him out.

That's lovely, that.

Right - now for my speech!