01x11 - You Wanna See Something?

[bunniefuu]

Michelle, Prince Charming's here for you.

- Marry me.
- Oh, Hubbell.

I live in this beautiful
town called Paradise.

- Who's this?
- Wait, you live with your mother?

Tell me, everything.

She has a dance studio.
Her whole life is here.

Who are you?

She is my daughter-in-law.

Hubbell was in a car accident.

Oh my God, he's dead?

How many times have I told you

my production of the Nutcracker

is the highlight of my year?

Air conditioning's not working.

- Must smell great. Who needs a spray?
- I do.

[ Screaming ]

What? What the...

Aah!

I maced you!

Boo: Why would you do that?!

Michelle: It was an accident.

- I'm Roman.
- So, what are you in for?

Mosh pit got a little too intense.

What about you?

My ballet teacher maced us

during a production of the Nutcracker.

Wow.

I'll be lucky if these parents

don't drag me into court
and have me flogged.

That woman is never
around our children ever again!

Oh Captain, my Captain.

Oh Captain, my Captain.

You know at the end of the movie

the guy had to leave anyhow, right?

Thank you.

[ Music playing ]

♪ Shh ♪

♪ shh ♪

♪ it's oh so quiet ♪

♪ shh shh ♪

♪ it's oh so still ♪

Second group, ready.

Wait, what's the first step?

Seriously, blondie?

I'm dumb too.

All right, follow the old broad in front.

[ Groans ]

♪ And so peaceful until ♪

♪ you fall in love ♪

♪ zing boom ♪

♪ the sky up above ♪

♪ zing boom ♪

♪ is caving in ♪

♪ wow bam ♪

♪ you never ♪

♪ been so nuts about a guy ♪

♪ you want to laugh, you want to cry ♪

♪ you cross your heart and hope to die ♪

[ Groans ]

My God, this is so hard.

Why do you do this?

Oh, jeeze.

All right. Just keep going.

♪ It's oh so still ♪

Keep going. That's good.

Travel.

That's good.

All right.

♪ And so peaceful until ♪

♪ you blow a fuse ♪

♪ zing boom ♪

♪ the devil cuts loose ♪

♪ zing boom ♪

♪ so what's the use ♪

♪ wow bam ♪

♪ I'm falling in love ♪

♪ the sky caves in ♪

♪ the devil cuts loose ♪

♪ you blow blow blow blow ♪

♪ blow your fuse. ♪

Oh... ohh...

Ow.

Oh God.

Aah.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Students: Shh.

Whoo! Yay.

Yay, that was great.

Excellent, excellent.

Leave me. Go home. Save yourselves.

Oh God. Ohh.

Wait, seriously, just like that?

Edgar, Edgar!

[ Theme music playing ]

Bunheads 1x11 - You Wanna See Something?
Original air date January 7, 2013

Michelle: Seriously.
I don't know if I can get up.

Truly: Fanny?

Fanny? Are you here?

Are you home? Are you up?

[ Crashing ]

Truly, are you bleeding?

No... yes.

- Don't move, please.
- Okay. Ow.

- Don't move, please.
- Okay. Ow.

Truly!

- Stay still.
- I'm sorry. I'm really excited.

I can see that.

I've been obsessing over the
design for this kitchen.

I know you want something new,

but you don't know what.

- Uh-huh.
- And last night,

I had a dream.

- Were there gerbils?
- There were gerbils.

But this time, they did not make me dance.

Instead, they led me down a hallway

and into a kitchen.

A really great kitchen.

Come with me.

Where are you going?

Truly?

Okay, so after the gerbils,

I got up and I tried to put it together

with paint samples and tile samples

and pictures of appliances,

but I just couldn't translate
the picture in my head.

I need you to see what's in my head.

Welcome to my head.

- What on earth?
- It's your kitchen.

Down to the last tiny details.

You built a cardboard kitchen?

Yeah. Originally,
I was just gonna do one wall,

but I couldn't decide which wall,

so then I figured, "why not
just build the whole thing"

so you can stand in it?"

I can't stand in it.

Okay, so I redid your whole work triangle.

I moved the fridge over here. Much better.

Sink and stove over there.

Oh, look.

For pasta water.

Cool, right? It's the new big thing.

Oh, and a wok. Remember how I always said

- you wanted a wok?
- No.

Well, now you have a wok.

I gave you a wall of spices,

weathered marble for the countertops,

and I found this really
great paint treatment idea

out of a book of Cuban homes, see?

Truly, I can't see anything.

Gah! Wait, sorry.

Here.

Better?

I've been trying to put a label

on exactly what the style is.

I think it's kind of a Greenwich
village 1950s coffee house

literary communist collective.

See the Harold Clurman and
Lenin portraits over the sink?

You wired a cardboard box for electricity?

I know. So what do you think?

I think it's the most disturbing
thing you've ever done.

No.

Not by a long shot.

[ Sighs ]

I may never walk upright again.

- Do you hate it?
- I do not hate it.

- Are you gonna do it?
- I don't know.

Well, what didn't you like? I can fix it.

I don't know what I like.

I don't know what to do with the kitchen.

I don't know what
to do with the living room.

I don't know what to do with my life.

This has been such a terrible year.

I just feel stuck.
My chi is completely stagnant.

Well, what can I do?

I don't know.

I just feel like everything in my life

needs to change.

I'm sorry.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- Truly?
- Yes?

Have you ever been a blonde?

Two bedrooms, one-and-a-half baths,

and a bonus room off the garage.

Ignore the floor. A rock band
rented it for a month.

And they had a lot of parrots.

You'll just replace the carpet.

Or you'll put the vent there

when you install the new heating system.

- What's wrong with the heating system?
- The former owner took it.

He took the heating system?

And the doorknobs.
And the kitchen cupboards,

some copper piping, the shower heads,

curtain rods, one toilet
seat, and the mailbox.

Why would he do that? Was he crazy?

This happens a lot in foreclosures.

But on the bright side,

that is why this baby is priced to sell.

Seems like a lot of work.

Excuse me, mara, is it?

Mara, what you have here
is what we in the biz call

a blank palette.

You can make it into
whatever you want it to be.

You could knock out that wall,
open the kitchen out

to the living area. You have kids?

- Two.
- Darling.

Well, the schools in this area

are the best in the county.

And this street is the most
desirable street in town.

And you know, it's always better

to have the crappiest house
on the best street,

and take my word for it,

this is absolutely
the crappiest house there is.

How's the kitchen?

Just needs a little love, Mara.

Address, cell, and e-mail would be super.

If you have any questions, I'm Ginny.

Cut it smaller. It has to last till 4:00.

Help yourself to a sandwich.

[ Phone beeps ]

[ Ringing ]

Hey.

Hey, Ginny. Can't talk.

Stop running!

You're babysitting?

For the rest of my life.

What?

My mom came home today

and announced she's pregnant.

- Ew!
- I know.

- Ugh! Why?
- I don't know.

I thought we were past all that.

Oh God.

So so sorry.

My dad's in a panic.

He came home today and canceled

all the movie channels.
[ Screaming ]

God, did she have it already?

That is my brother's play group.

It is my mother's day
to take them which means

it is now my day to take them.

Your life is awful.

Plus my mom has to be
on complete bed rest,

starting now,

which means I am in charge of the house,

which means I have to cut back
on my Oyster Bar hours.

Bummer.

I have a couple of pocket listings

if this one doesn't work for you.

Thank you.

Whatever.

No way you guys are getting a loan anyhow.

Where are you?

My mother's open house.

Why?

Because, Boo, my father
finally set the wedding date

with Faye Mendelson and my mother

is taking it very very well.

Oh, sorry.

She can't be around people
for longer than a minute

without crying or screaming.

So here I am wearing the blazer.

Oh, hey, before I forget,

did the package arrive?

It did. There was a little problem

and I had to reroute it.

Nanette: Boo?

Hey, I have to go. I'll call you back.

Do you want pizzas? I'm making them.

Mmm. Yes, I do want one.

Hey, do we have a cooler?

I don't know.

I'll have to look.

Because my bed rest tip book here says

you have to keep a cooler
filled with snacks

and drinks near you at all times

so you don't have to go too far.

Isn't that the best thing
you've ever heard?

- Almost.
- I also have to make sure

to put on clean clothes, brush my hair,

and put on lipstick every day

which is hilarious since I do none

of those things now.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Bed rest.

I'm gonna be on bed rest.

For months I'm going to sleep late

and lounge around.

I'm gonna watch movies,

and television.

I'm finally going to see
the finale of "Friends."

I don't even know who the friends are.

Are they friends anymore?

You know what? Don't tell me.

I will find out for myself

because I am on, say it with me...

- bed rest.
- Bed rest.

- Yay!
- Yay.

[ Sighs ]

[ Phone ringing ]

Hey.

Boo: Hey, I just wanted to make sure...

hold on. Yes, Jeff?

You two gonna order anything?

Yeah, could I get a spoon for this pudding

and some water, no ice.

And then?

Let's see how that goes first.

Two and a half hours.

You've been sitting here
for two and a half hours.

You've ordered one coffee, one root beer,

a blt that you sent back...

we forgot his teeth.

You're taking up three tables

that paying customers who order food

and pay tips could be using.

No one's here, Jeffrey.

And every day you come back in here

and take up the same three tables.

It's not every day, drama queen.

People walk by and see
an old man in a wheel chair

and think this is a nursing home.

People walk by and see
a "grade pending" sign

in the window, and think this
is a Gordon ramsay show.

We have a "B." Got it yesterday.

Congratulations. I'm on the phone.

Go somewhere else. Go to Denny's.

Look, my grandpa's life
is in a wheelchair, okay?

And I try to make that life

as pleasant as possible, which means

whatever he wants to do, we do.

And he wants to come here.

I don't know why, but he does.

So I'm going to bring him here
as long as he wants.

Now go get us that water.

- Hey!
- We sell pudding.

Buy it.

Sorry, Jeff's ovulating.

I just want to make sure that
the package got there okay.

Yes. It arrived. It's fine.

Okay. Good.

Got to go.

I'm never having children.

Preaching to the choir.

Water, no ice.
Do not think of asking for straws.

- Don't you dance?
- What?

Ballet? Why aren't you in class?

Isn't that what you do?

Yeah, well...

Things aren't really happening right now.

[ Sighs ]

If we can pick a focal point,

it might help the whole
room come into focus.

- Uh-huh.
- In Liechtenstein

there's a manufacturer
of German refrigerators

that are really amazing looking.

Nobody will have a fridge like this.

Do you see a box labeled "tea pots"?

We would just have to convert the current

from European to American.

And they don't deliver or ship

so we would have to
go to Germany to buy it,

then train to Liechtenstein to pick it up

and drive it back home.

Sounds very complicated.

Well yeah, but it comes in purple.

The studio looks so weird like this.

With the Christmas tree up
and the fireplace

and the police tape.

All dusty and forgotten.

Scary.

Like it's haunted.

Haunted by the ghosts of little girls,

screaming from being maced.

Why is there a canoe in here?

One of the neighbors needed
a place to store it.

Nothing is more terrifying than a canoe.

All right, time to get you out of here.

But what about your tea pot?

I'll buy another one.

Fanny.

When do you think you'll open the studio

back up again?

When it feels right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Two Shakes of Stardust.

[ Music playing ]

You wanna see something?

Yeah!

[ Door opens ]

Honey, I'm home.

Well, I hope you're happy.

The roast is burnt, and none of the kids

remember what you look like.

Rick took me dancing.

- Cleopatra's Barge?
- Yep.

- So sad.
- Stop. He likes Cleopatra's Barge.

He used to hang there
with the actual Cleopatra.

Hey, he's the reason
I came home with this.

Where is grandpa anyhow?

He won't park on the street.

Thinks his car will get broken into.

With age comes wisdom.

He's not as old as you think.

I think he discovered fire.

See? Wrong.

I think he held the commandments

while Moses used the little boys' room.

- Wrong again.
- I think he voted for Polk.

Hey, Rick.

We were just talking about you.

Michelle. Michelle, Michelle my belle.

I hear you guys went dancing tonight.

Well, when you are squiring

a lady like this one around,

you have to keep the nights interesting.

- Squiring.
- Stop.

I think he was in the crusades.

Oh, you're not hungry tonight.

- Too bad.
- No, I'm hungry.

I'm super hungry. I'm hungry and sorry

and hungry.

You know, you're always
welcome to come out with us.

- Yeah.
- A pretty girl like you

should not be sitting
around here every night.

I can fix you up with a friend of mine.

That'd be swell. Right, Michelle?

It would be epic.

My friend Georgie gets out
of the hospital Friday.

- Hospital?
- Nothing serious.

You know, a polyp here and there.

A couple of zaps, he'll be chasing you

around the dinner table by Wednesday.

Wow. I can't wait.

Well fine then. I will set it up tomorrow.

Honey, could you bring me a glass of water

and a couple of those...

- I will.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

- Viagra?
- Tums.

Goodnight, Michelle.

Michelle, Michelle, my belle.

Goodnight, Rick.

Oh wait wait wait. You'd know this.

Jesus, married or single?

- What?
- I'll be right in, baby.

All right, darling. Goodnight.

I am always nice to your boyfriends.

My boyfriends don't have an AARP
bumper sticker on their car.

You mean on their brand new Jaguar?

Fine, you win.

Ah, steak. My favorite.

There's mac and cheese in there also.

You take very good care of me.

How was work?

It was magical.

- At least you're dancing.
- In Henderson.

Henderson's not that different from Vegas.

Henderson is Rob Schneider

to Vegas' Daniel Day Lewis.

It's a job.

The hookers look sad for me.

And you don't know pathetic
until you've been

pitied by a Henderson hooker.

Actually there are no
official Henderson hookers.

They're just Laughlin
hookers passing through

who stopped in to use
the bathroom and thought

"well, as long as I'm here."

I'm still working on Janice

- to take you back.
- Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

Mmm. Boy, this is so good.

You are nuts that you never eat

any of this delicious food

grandpa walton is plying you with.

If I ate the delicious food

he was plying me with, he wouldn't be

plying me with it anymore.

'Cause you'd be a big fat lady.

He likes me in the little tight dresses

with big high heels.

I don't know. I bet you could eat

once in a while and
"on golden pond" in there

- would still love you.
- Can't risk it yet. Too new.

Hey, do you want me to make
myself scarce tonight?

I could go out by the pool
while you get naked

and have him explain to you
who the Marx brothers are again.

That's okay. He drank a Martini tonight.

- He's probably out.
- Oh.

But maybe tomorrow.

We're gonna have a quiet home evening.

Our very first quiet home evening.

I might even bake.

Do you like him?

Of course I like him.

No, I mean, do you like him like him?

No.

- Well...
- I'd make your mind up a little faster

if I were you. Time's a tickin'.

- Is it weird if I do?
- Yes.

He's generous and funny.

He likes movies. He likes to dance.

He's actually in very good shape.

He goes to the gym every day.

He can carry me.

The important thing is
can you carry him...

- Into the E.R.?
- Forget it.

'Cause that's the more likely scenario.

I should get in there.

Night.

Hold on a sec.

For rent.

Thanks.

I'm glad you're happy.

Things will get better.

Red pill every four hours,
blue pill every 12 hours,

and the green pill as needed.

But don't let him con you with those.

He likes to take extra
and watch the money honey.

Call if you need anything.

Your grandpa?

Mom's taking over today.
Which is frankly a bummer

'cause looking after him is the only thing

I had to do all summer.

I know. It's been so weird.

- No ballet.
- I can't remember the last time

there's been no ballet.
I'm actually looking forward to school.

- Me too.
- Even math... what's that craziness all about?

Oh no! I just thought of something.
We're going to have to take gym.

- What? Why?
- No ballet.

No notes from madame Fanny.

Ugh. Teams, ba*ls, high fives.

Coach Contratti's mole.

Melanie: I don't understand.

I thought physical education in public
schools went the way of the dinosaurs.

Ginny: Blame bake sales.
They fund this madness.

Melanie: Ironic, isn't it?
They sell you cupcakes

to get you fat, and then of course

you have to run around like an idiot

for an hour every day.

Ginny: Ah! Knee socks.
I forgot about the knee socks.

Melanie: Maybe we can say we're sick.

- For the entire year?
- Yeah. My cousin did it.

- Next idea.
- Maybe we can forge a note

with madame Fanny's name on it.

That would be a neat trick.

I just saw you girls sitting here

and I thought I would
come over and say hello.

Hello.

Now you say hello back.

Both: Hello.

May I sit down?

Uh, sure.

So how's your summer been?

- Fine.
- Yeah, fine.

Good.

Boo's summer has been...?

Both: Fine.

How did Sasha like Joffrey?

She's got a couple more weeks.

Oh, I thought she'd be back by now.

Well, have you heard from her?

Yeah.

She's fine.

Right.

Oh, uh, that's not ours.

Yeah, we didn't order that.

- Yes you did. Yes.
- No.

We don't eat stuff like that ever.

Look, I'm not one of those waiters

who says they got it
and they don't got it.

I write stuff down.

Two fries, two onion rings,

corn dog bites for "b."

I wrote "b" for blonde. You're blonde.

Sweet potato chips, chicken fingers,

cheese straws, and jalapeno poppers.

I drew two pig faces
because there's two of you

and we call this the pig
platter in the kitchen.

- Look, can you just...
- No. If I take it back

I pay for it or I eat it,

neither scenario's gonna happen.

Be right back with the cheese sauce.

Relax, girls. I know it's summer.

This is the time to eat
junk food and go crazy.

It's fine.

Well, I just wanted to say hello.

Both: Hello.

Nice to see you.

Madame Fanny?

Have you heard from Michelle?

Uh, yes.

She sent a note with a forwarding address.

She's fine.

Have you seen it?

- What are you doing here?
- Where's the package?

- Screw the package!
- Bettina Jordan, I never.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

The package is fine. I just...

Did you see it?

- See what?
- Madame Fanny?

What? No.

Madame Fanny, no. Where, here?

Never mind. It's awful.

- What's awful?
- What did we miss?

I don't want to say.

- You have to say.
- I can't.

Boo, I spent the last two months

mashing food into paste
so an old man could gum it down.

Throw me a bone.

Maybe no one will ever see it.

Maybe no one will ever know.

Hey, superstar.

Autographs before you leave.

♪ Hey it's time to dance. ♪

Your shower is spraying
the entire bathroom again

which is fun and challenging.

- I'll call a plumber.
- What were you looking at?

- Hmm?
- On the type-y box-y thing.

- You were looking at something.
- No.

You closed it quickly
when I came into the room

like there was something on it

you didn't want me to see.

Oh yeah, I watch a lot of procedurals.

- You want coffee?
- No.

Let's go out and get some pancakes.

- No. Talia.
- My treat.

[ Sighs ] You're going to see it anyway.

Enjoy.
[ Music playing ]

♪ We're all backstage ♪

That's Boo.
♪ getting ready to go out ♪

♪ our teacher lined us up ♪

♪ her name's Michelle
Michelle ♪

It's a song. How is that a song?

I guess she gave an interview
to the local news

and someone saw it
and made it into a video.

♪ And then she maced us ♪

♪ but all I could hear was ♪

♪ hey ♪

♪ it's time to dance ♪

♪ she maced us ♪

- But why?
- Kids are bored.

Then huff some glue
like the rest of us did.

Oh my God. That's me.

♪ It's time ♪

♪ it's time to dance ♪

"Nutcracker macer." That's not a big deal?

What is this? What am I looking at?

It's on the Internet, honey.

Well, who else has seen this?

♪ It's time to dance ♪
A million people have seen this?

Oh my God.

♪ It's time ♪
Look on the bright side.

Of all the truly humiliating things

you've done in your life,
this is the first one

that's gone viral.

♪ It's time to dance ♪

And you look super thin.

♪ It's time ♪

♪ it's time to dance. ♪

Oh my God!

It's like I've never eaten before.

Why didn't you just order more fries

- after she left?
- Because she'd know.

I don't know how she'd know,
but she'd know.

I may never be able to order fries again.

Mom.

Get back to bed.

I can't. I can't lay there anymore.

- It's only been a day.
- Is that it?

Oh my God, I'll never make it.

- Mom.
- You were supposed to bring me snacks

and you never got me that cooler.

I will bring you food whenever you want.

You don't hear me when I call.

I got you a bell. Ring the bell.

It's an annoying bell, Boo.
I hate the bell.

I'm sorry.

I miss the sun.

[ Screaming ]

That's what happens when you
grow up without a mother.

[ Sighs ]
Get back to bed now.

What is my life now?
Six months of watching Katie Couric

give herself a colonoscopy
over and over and over.

I could watch this forever. It's genius.

Stop. It's horrible.

Why is it horrible?

Because Michelle is going to hate me.

Well, Michelle's not here.
And being hated from afar

is like not being hated at all.

I don't even remember talking
to any news people that night.

[ Gasps ]
Boo, the package!

sh**t. I forgot.

That is the worst smelling broom closet

I have ever been in.

You've been in a lot
of broom closets, have you?

Enough to know it shouldn't
smell like a broom

from "Slumdog Millionaire."

Sound on. Sound off.

Doesn't matter. Still great.

Let me see it again.

In case you're wondering,

this is not supportive.

- Nanette: Boo?
- Go go go.

I could read a book. Do we have books?

I will get you a book.

Because if I read a book,
it will get my mind

off the fact that I'm going insane.

I'll just read the book
and by the time I finish,

I'll just think I was always like that.

Sitting in the living room counts?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Just got super friendly with a wet-vac.

We just passed two million hits.

Yes. Take that, cleft palate choir.

- Whoo!
- Do not "whoo" this.

This is not a "whoo" thing.
We are not "whoo"ing this.

Boo, relax.

This is your 15 minutes of fame.

Andy Warhol, baby.

Okay. Not that I don't enjoy
having you in my broom closet,

but when are you ever going to go home?

Eventually.

You've been here for over a week.

You don't think they'll get wise?

Look. All they know is
that until school starts,

I'm at Joffrey.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Maybe things got better between them

while you were gone.

Maybe Michelle will think
the video's funny.

Nice, Sasha.

Boo?

Your brother did a weird
sticky thing in the...

- I got it.
- Okay.

[ Chuckling ]

[ Scattered applause ]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Jo-Jo Deline.

This is Two Shakes of Stardust.

And if you still want to see something,

we're back in an hour.

[ Music playing ]

[ Song ends ]

[ Scattered applause ]

Thanks for the fat guy, Michelle.

Hey, he wasn't claustrophobic.

He barely fit in the box.

Americans like fries. What can I say?

You know you have a little bit
of an attitude tonight.

I understand. I'm an artist too.

I have temperamental days.

Just don't forget who's paying the bills.

One more thing.

You forgot to clap.

What?

When I say "you wanna see something?"

You're supposed to clap.

- Clap?
- Yes, clap.

Get the audience into it.

You gotta clap. Cissy claps.

I do. I clap.

So just to be clear again,

I say "you wanna see something?"

You clap, got it?

It's completely redundant, you know?

What is?

Your catchphrase.
"You wanna see something?"

The very fact that they came to see a show

means they want to see something.

They're here. They came here.

You don't need to keep asking them

over and over if they wanna see something.

Plus, your sign says "want to,"

and you keep saying "wanna,"

so you're not even mimicking

the ridiculous sign you put up there.

A man puts everything he has into an act.

A sign.

And you have the nerve

to tell him it's wrong?

My sign's wrong?

I'm saying my own saying, wrong?

You know what?

I don't want you holding the bird.

Now you did it.

Cissy's got the bird.

You can focus on your clapping

and your crappy attitude.

Now I'm gonna put that speaker in the car.

Come back, get that speaker,
put it in the car,

get the cords and monitor,
put them in the car,

change, put my costume in the car,

and then I'm gonna take my wife

out to dinner because she earned it.

She claps like a champ.

[ Sighs ]

Is this your hummus?

It was.

It's good.

Is everything okay?

I ate his hummus.

I heard something and came
out to see what it was.

It was me eating his hummus.

I didn't think she was gonna be here.

Why didn't you think...

Oh crap.

I'm not supposed to be home yet.

I'm so sorry. I forgot.

Oh, I just had this terrible night.

I got into this giant fight

with Jo-Jo, the Amazing Idiot.

She's gonna eat the whole thing.

I made fun of his sign and
I told him he was a moron,

and here's what a giant loser I am,

I didn't even get fired.

Nope. They took the bird away from me.

I don't get to hold the bird.

Cissy's going to hold the bird

and I'm going to stand there doing this.

So if you show up tomorrow night

excited to see me holding the bird,

you're going to be severely disappointed.

What is she talking about?

She's upset. Let's go back to bed.

Why is she still here?

Talia: She's my friend.

Rick: How long is she gonna stay?

- I don't know.
- I mean, she's always around.

She doesn't go anywhere.
Why doesn't she date?

Is there something wrong with her hoo-ha?

Talia: There's nothing wrong
with her hoo-ha.

She's had a bad year. She's stuck.

She's not moving up. You heard,
they took the bird away from her.

I've seen the act...

[ "Nutcracker macer" music playing ]

♪ Then someone grabbed me and said hey ♪

♪ it's time to dance ♪

♪ she maced us ♪

♪ it's time to dance. ♪

You sure you like them?

[Folk music playing] - I am sure.
- They're redder than I thought.

I like red.

I can do them again.

Do not do them again.

So you love them and you're happy?

- Yes.
- Will you come see

the new kitchen box I made?

Take a break, Truly.

[ Groans ]
Okay.

[ Wedding march playing ]

Almost there.

You're doing great.

Okay. Wow!

That walk is longer than you think.

Yes! Very nice.

Are we ready to begin?

No encore?

Yes. We're ready.

Yes! Let's do it.

Okay.

- Dearly beloved...
- Wait, gotta pee.

Hold this. Is that the bathroom?

Isn't she something?

Very special.

Wrong way.

Oh, sorry. Giant flowers.

[ Groans ]

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

[ Grunts ]

You can just start again
when she gets back, right?

- Sure.
- Great. Great.

I'm excited.

You should be. She's pretty.

Beautiful.

The most beautiful girl I've ever met.

And I've met Megan Fox.

Wow.

So, yeah.

Boy, you should see her on stage.

- She's an actress?
- Dancer.

Well, dancer now.
In the future, who knows, right?

Michelle: Hey, screw you.
She told me to use this door!

- Hey, where you going?
- Gotta talk to someone.

You can't leave. We're
in the middle of a show.

Hey, I'm not holding the bird.

What are you doing here?

Well, I came to see something.

Hilarious.

Aren't you supposed to be on stage?

Aren't you supposed to be in California?

I just wanted to see how you're doing.

Take this Martini back

and bring one that actually
has gin in it, please.

I'm doing great.

I went by your apartment.

An older gentleman answered the door.
Is he yours?

No. He's Talia's.

- Talia's father?
- Talia's... daddy.

Well, we had a lovely conversation

about Eisenhower and your hoo-ha.

And then he told me I could find you here,

- so I did.
- I see.

I wouldn't go home
without some hummus, FYI.

Thanks for the tip.

So, you don't work in Vegas.

- No.
- You work here.

Yes.

And where is here?

Henderson.

Well, I have to tell you

I haven't driven to a place this charming

since the city gave us
curbside recycling bins.

You've come to apply for a job

at the Chamber of Commerce, is that it?

I came to talk to you.

No.

- Will you sit down?
- I'm in the middle of a show.

I think they can handle
being ignored without you.

Fanny, just go.

So this is better?

- Better than what?
- Better than home?

Paradise is not my home.

You own land there.
You have a house there.

You have students there.

All yours. Not mine.

- Michelle...
- Do you want me to sign something?

Is that it? Fine. I'll sign it

all over to you. I don't want it.

I'm fine right here.

I saw your wedding video this morning.

I have a wedding video?

Yes, I assumed from
the condition you were in

you might not remember it.

You do know you got married?

Yes, I know I got married.

And you know it was to Hubbell?

Yes, I know I got married to Hubbell,

and Hubbell was a wonderful guy.

Way too good for me.
Is that what you want to hear?

- No.
- He would have dumped me in a month

and gone back to Truly.

- Is that what you want to hear?
- No.

He would have realized
he was out of his mind.

That Vegas made him crazy.
He would have dropped to his knees

and asked your forgiveness for
bringing the devil to Paradise?

I can't take you like
this without a drink.

[ Sighs ] I'm going back on stage.

Michelle, just come home.

You don't want me there.

- Of course I do.
- No, Fanny.

You don't.
You feel some weird obligation to me

that I don't understand.

I feel an obligation to you
because you're family.

I am not your family.

You married my son. That makes you family.

We were married for a minute.

You get married, you get family.

That's the deal. That's how it's done.

Like it or not, I am your mother-in-law

for the rest of your life.

We are permanently connected.

And it's ridiculous that you're
sleeping on a couch at your age.

Especially when you have a home and a job

and a town full of
people who care about you.

- People who care about me?
- Yes.

Those same people drove me out of town

with torches and pitchforks.

Because you maced their children.

Whatever.

Macing their children is not a whatever.

You didn't want me to stay.

You blame me for Michael leaving.

You blame me for ruining your Nutcracker.

- You blame me for...
- Fine, yes.

I was angry at you.

You're the only one who can
get upset, have a bad day?

You're the only one who can say
something stupid and hurtful?

Because you do.

You meddle and you don't think

and you talk talk talk talk talk.

Great, now I'm gone. Problem solved.

What are you, 12?

Someone gets mad at you
so you just run away?

- To this place?
- Fanny.

You don't belong in this place.

This person belongs in this place.

Where are the olives?

[ Sighs ]

My son loved you.

He wanted you to have
a certain kind of life.

And if I just let you stay here

and don't try to make that happen,

then I am not honoring his memory.

Hubbell saw something in you.

But you're gonna have to see
it in yourself eventually.

Otherwise...

People told me daughters were harder.

I just thought it was because
they could get pregnant.

King me!

You are so not asleep, come on!

Jeff, do you have some
mentholated balm back there?

Why would we have mentholated
balm in the kitchen?

Well, that's what everything tastes like.

I can refuse to serve you.
It's on the sign.

Look, pal, this is a community place.

Word gets out you don't serve veterans,

it is not going to be good.

Veterans of what?

Life, pal.

Watch him.

I'm not watching him.
I'm not watching him.

- What are you doing here?
- I need the keys.

- You can't stay at my grandpa's anymore.
- Why not?

They put in his motorized lift today.

- He can go upstairs now.
- Great.

He wants to sleep in his own bedroom.

First night since grandma died.

I'm sorry, I've been sleeping
in your dead grandmother's bed?

Sorry, call Boo.

You can't stay here tonight.

My mom is completely freaking out.

I'll hide out in the guest room.
She won't know I'm there.

No, you're not listening.

She has passed into a dark, dark place.

- You can't be here.
- But...

- Go to Ginny's.
- Boo!

I have to go.

Hey, mom. Can I get you anything?

Tell your father to come
see me when he gets home.

Ginny, come on.

- Can't.
- The place is empty.

The place is sold. We're in escrow

and I've got inspectors here.

- One night.
- Sasha,

the first three days
of escrow are crucial.

That's where everything can fall apart.

Hey!

That just needs glue.

You don't need to check it.

It's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

Look, Mel can't take me,

Boo's mom's gone off the reservation,

- what am I supposed to do?
- Go home.

You're going to have to eventually.

Oh, I'm sorry, I have to...

do not light the pilot on that stove!

We met here.

Well, not here, obviously, Vegas.

She was dancing in this show.

I saw it maybe 100 times.

- That's a lot.
- Yes.

I think I told her I saw it
only 60 times though.

Tried to make it seem less creepy.

Uh, probably still seemed creepy.

But look at me now.

I got her.

Duckie got Molly.

Minister: Hey, do you mind if I
get them in while we're waiting?

What? Oh, no, sure. Go ahead.

Okay, folks.

Okay.

I wonder if Michelle would
have wanted a real wedding.

You know? With a white dress

and the friends and family.

She doesn't seem real traditional to me.

She's not.
[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my mother's gonna have a fit

not being here to see this.

It's my prediction however, that
eventually she's gonna love Michelle

more than she loves me.

Michelle's, um...

well, she's special.

Have you ever met a person

that had no idea how incredible they are

but you do? You see it?

That's Michelle.

I mean, you spend five minutes with her

and first, you're gonna be exhausted

because she's smart, she's fast,

and you have to work hard to keep up.

But then you take her in,

you see her,

and it's spectacular.

She doesn't know it yet,
but she's gonna do

some really great things.

I'm gonna make sure that happens.

I'm back.

FYI, you need more toilet paper.

Are you backing out?

No way.

I am right here.

Hi, pal.

Minister: Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...

[ Knocking on door ]

- Hi.
- Hi.

I got your message.

Technology's a beautiful thing.

So this is your place?

- No.
- Okay.

How was Kansas?

Mystifying.

And why did you go there?

My aunt. We go in the summers.

She has a dairy farm.

Did you milk anything?

No.

Mostly sat in my room writing to you.

Oh.

So, Joffrey... final verdict?

Cutthroat.

Lots of girls want to be seen.

But I was the only one
who'd read "The Art Of w*r."

- So.
- Wow.

Had some good teachers.

Learned things.

Good.

So.

So...

Do you want to take a bath?

I just... that was a joke.

I'm... I'm standing by a bathtub, so...

- I get it.
-... I didn't really mean...

- Sure. Right.
- I just said it.

- A joke.
- Funny.

Are you gonna rob me?

- What?
- The outfit looks fairly menacing.

Oh. Sorry.

I forgot I was...

just trying to keep

a low profile for the moment.

I respect that.

I'm glad to see you.

Are you?

Yep.

Good.

Otherwise, all those e-mails you sent me

would have seemed a little weird.

[ Door opens ]

Oh.

Hey, kid.

I'm so glad you're back.

Yeah, me too.

Can I crash here tonight?

Yeah, why not?

[ Piano playing ]

[ Song ends ]

I may want to go back to performing.

I may want to take more time off.

I may move back to New York.

Someday.

I may throw pots and build
a kiln outside your house.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

So, if you're not busy,

I'd like your opinion on something.

What are you going to
tell the angry villagers?

That you are back,
and if they don't like it,

they are free to take their children

to that enormous crazy woman

with the pyramid system,

whose students end up with knock-knees

and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Truly?

Now, I'm doing a dance
for the fall recital.

It's a little different for me,

and I want to know if
you think it's working.

- Sure.
- Okay.

[ "Nutcracker macer" song plays ]

♪ It's time to dance ♪

♪ it's time ♪

♪ it's time ♪

♪ so we were all staggering around ♪

♪ our eyes were on fire fire fire fire ♪

♪ fire fire fire fire ♪

♪ and then she faced us
and then she maced us ♪

♪ but all I could hear was ♪

[ Mouths words ]
♪ it's time to dance ♪

♪ she maced us ♪

♪ it's time to dance ♪

♪ it's time ♪

♪ it's time to dance ♪
They'll be in Nutcracker costumes of course.

Mm.

♪ It's time to dance ♪

♪ she maced us ♪

♪ ow. ♪