Legend of El Chupacabra, The (2023)

[bunniefuu]

(Dark music)

(dreadful music)

I bet you're wondering why

I brought you all here today.

No?

Anyone?

Bueller?

You are going to randomly k*ll one of us

to demonstrate your power is absolute.

That's a good one.

And you do always have

the greatest idea, Mutumbo.

Anyone else?

Anyone willing to go out on a limb?

We're not doing the

hand raised thing, Magnus.

Just speak up.

You have invented new

planet-destroying weapon,

which you are about to reveal to us.

[Mortimer] No, but thank you

for making me feel like

an underachiever, Magnus.

It's great for my self-confidence.

[Magnus] But I just

I'm gonna let you have that one.

You did have a good

idea about the pizza place.

(elites chattering)

(finger snapping)

Ladies and gentlemen, I give

(whimsical music)

- What is that?

- What's what?

That!

It's so basic!

White background, black text.

What are you, are you an amateur?

We didn't want to overshadow the message.

It's minimalist.

It's crap!

There's no pizazz.

You know how I feel about pizazz.

Just very disappointed.

I mean, they have templates.

Pick one!

Am I right?

(elites chattering)

My fellow elites, behold.

I give to you, Operation Cryptid!

(elites applauding)

Bravo, bravo!

Yes, yes.

(sinister music)

(energetic rock music)

We masked our breath

We mask in death

(horn honking)

What happened to the kid

What happened to the kid

(comical music)

What the f*ck we got going on in here?

None of your beeswax.

None of my beeswax?

I betcha I'll make it my beeswax.

You're not supposed to

be bothering me, mom said.

Mom said.

What are you, a little mama's boy?

El Cup-a-chu-bre?

Incorrect.

No, no go ahead.

One more time.

Get the f*ck outta here.

Hey, you know me and your mama,

we're getting on good terms, getting close.

Little word of advice, I'd

get used to this right here.

(Roy chuckles)

Dumbass.

Yeah.

Want some?

No, mom.

Oh, baby.

Don't be that way.

Roy.

Roy.

Roy.

Roy!

What did you say to him?

What?

Petey's got his panties in a big old wad.

What did you say to him?

I didn't say nothing to him.

I just told him to pick up all his bullshit

so that a real man can get some

real man work done out here.

You said you'd be nice to him.

That's what you said!

Cindy, your boy, he's just

What?

Go ahead.

Say it.

(mysterious music)

Told you, I told you!

We gotta catch him!

This is it, we're going to be famous!

Friends forever.

Come what may, but here

in Blufkin is where we stay.

[Kids] We swear to

rid the town of this beast,

if we die when we try,

we won't care in the least.

All for one and one for all,

a solemn promise to answer the call.

El Chupacabra!

Yeah, yeah, let's roll.

We're standing here in the

woods out past Canyon Lake

where we sighted something

strange and unusual,

a creature believed to be El Chupacabra.

(creature screeching)

- What the hell was that?

- It's close!

Run!

(creature screeching)

(kids screaming)

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!

(kid screaming)

(crickets chirping)

(pig squealing)

(creature growling)

God damn coyotes.

(crickets chirping)

(tense music)

(owl hooting)

(creature grunting)

(tense music)

(creature growling)

(rancher screaming)

(bloodcurdling music)

(flesh squelching)

(bloodcurdling music)

I don't like it, is what I'm saying.

All right, sheriff, you made your point

and we're receptive to your suggestions.

- I'm not.

- What?

Why doesn't that surprise me?

I stand by my sources.

They say that

Hush!

Hush, hush!

I know what they say.

What I'm saying is that what they're saying

ain't for them to say

or for you to say that

they said that they said it.

Sheriff, I have two sources

that say there was a body

moved into the morgue last night

covered in a blue tarp.

That right?

False!

Fake news!

La la, la, la, la... Wow, okay.

Real mature, Sheriff.

- La, la, la, la, la, la.

You do realize you

can't just shout fake news

and make something not true, right?

You can't prove that.

All right, I am the sheriff.

That means that I am the

most important person here.

Whatever you say, sheriff.

What about

What am I supposed to do?

Just know, you are on my radar now

and I fly real low.

(head thuds)

Buck.

(birds chirping)

(phone chiming)

Greetings, fellow cryptid hunters.

It's your boy, Pete.

It's 1400 days since the last sighting,

which is a long time.

But don't give up hope.

El Chupacabra will return.

El Chupacabra.

That's a waste of time if you're asking me.

You need to start

searching for something real,

something like Bigfoot.

Bigfoot?

Overrated!

I'll take Mothman any day of the week

over that lumbering ape.

Wait, you take that back.

Overrated.

(energetic rock music)

Oh, hey, it looks like someone's trying

to join our stream.

Hello, Cryptid Creature Hunter 69.

I had a question.

Sure.

Always happy to help a fellow hunter.

What's up?

Does your mother know you're g*y?

Ha-ha, very funny not.

- d*ck-eater says what?

- What?

Well, I'll be damned.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah, I can hear you.

Look, I know you're just

here to prank me some more

so get on with it.

I'm a virgin who's never touched a woman.

I jack off to Facebook profile

pictures of the PTA board.

I'm into granny porn.

Are you the guy hunting

the Chupacabra in Texas?

Oh...

Yeah.

You must know about the Wendigo then?

Of course, the evil spirit

that devours mankind.

Antlers, rotten flesh

or so the legend goes.

Yesterday, I saw it.

First time anyone has

in the last four years.

Wendy Wendigo Watcher 99,

you had best not be fooling me.

Oh, no, Pete, I'm dead serious.

They're coming back and you're spot on.

It's a four-year cycle.

Be careful.

[Wendy's Mom] Wendy, what are you doing?

Dang it, mom, I'm talking to my friend.

Don't be such a butt-in-ski.

I gotta go.

Earl, did you fall

asleep in that shed again?

(woman screaming)

(rooster crowing)

(bright banjo music)

Hardest working man in Texas.

Yeah.

When you get through

playing with those napkins,

I'm gonna need you to bring

your a*s to the office, okay?

All right, my man, Pete!

Oh, okay.

Gosh, I thought I was doing pretty well.

I mean, I consider myself a hard worker.

I might not be able to lift as many trays

as some of the other girls,

but I've been making

up for that with hustle.

No, it's not like that at all.

You're my main man, right?

I'd like to think so.

Hey, when I need a go-to

guy, you know where I go?

Right here?

My man, Pete.

That's why it's ripping me up inside

what I gotta tell you, son.

- Tell me what?

- You fired.

Roger?

That doesn't make any sense.

Look, I know it don't make no sense,

but I gotta fire everybody

'cause we're going out of business.

Gosh, Roger.

It's gonna be hard for me

to find a job anywhere else.

I'm what people refer

to as an acquired taste.

Boy, don't I know.

Look, I wish there was

something that I could do, Pete,

but it's the foundation,

the ground is collapsing

right underneath our feet,

and it costs $50,000 to fix it

and it's 50 grand that I just don't have.

So I'm gonna have to give

you your two weeks notice, boss.

(Pete vomiting)

Oh, Pete!

Fruit-ee-oos?

[Customer] Ew, gross!

(dishes clattering)

I'm still not understanding.

What's there to understand.

It's a 90-day waiting period.

That's three months.

All right, EGI really

talked up those benefits.

I don't know, I expected to

have coverage from day one.

Look, that's just the point

I'm trying to make, that's all.

Same.

Look, I'm not HR, all right?

Take it up with them.

That's not exactly

excellence in leadership.

The buck stops over there, apparently.

Look, I'll talk to HR, all right?

I'll see what I can do, after

we get a lock on the target.

(car engine roaring)

(ice cream truck music)

(Mariachi music)

The f*ck you looking at?

Greetings, gentle sirs.

I'm looking for Danny Morales.

Who the hell are you?

I see some things don't change.

Mackey?

Wait.

Pete Mackey?

What are you doing here, man?

I'm here to make claim to our blood oath.

The what?

Our blood oath.

We swore we'd find the

Chupacabra or die trying.

You mean when we were 12?

Right, I'm here to make

good on it like we swore.

When we were 12.

You can't just back out of a blood oath.

You act like you have something

better to do with your time.

I'm not seeing it.

You keep saying a blood oath?

I don't remember any blood.

You faint at the sight of blood.

That's what it was, that's what I remember.

My friend Roger's

about to lose his diner.

Buddy's?

Right.

The building's not up to

code, the foundation's cracked

and it's gonna take 50,000 to fix it.

50,000?

Wow.

Not my problem.

In fact, f*ck that guy.

I've been trying to get

an open mic night going

for some of my acts, he

hasn't answered one of my calls.

He is an as*h*le.

The blood oath is a sacred bond.

You owe it to Bobby.

(camera whirring)

It's been eight years, man.

There's gotta be a statute of limitations

on a bloodless blood oath!

Like 18 months max!

Chupacabra?

Buncha' nonsense if you ask me.

Maybe.

But people do disappear from

this town at an alarming rate.

Somebody ought to get to the bottom of it.

You're wasting your time. B.

Folks in Blufkin love a

good conspiracy theory.

There's always an explanation.

Which is exactly what I'm after.

If I didn't know better, I'd say

you didn't want me to go after this story.

And today, with the sheriff,

didn't seem like you had my back.

I'm trying to protect you is all.

A little soon in your career

to trash your credibility.

Our intern going to be a problem?

Sure looks like it.

(attendees chattering)

Okay, everybody, let's get started.

(attendees chattering)

If we could just have

everyone quiet down for a bit.

If we could just have everybody quiet for

I said shut your f*cking yaps!

(attendees gasping)

Evening, everybody.

I'm sure you're all itching

to hear about the big reward.

Yeah, tell me about my $50,000.

(attendees laughing and chattering)

[Attendee] Quiet!

Hello.

My name is Mac Wiley, I'm a rancher.

Now, I know that some of you

have dollar signs in your eyes,

but I want you to think long and hard.

That's what she said!

(attendees laughing and chattering)

About what you're getting yourself into.

I lost over a dozen cattle this week,

my least favorite dog the week before.

What this tells me

is that a darkness has descended on my land

and I want it gone,

and I'm willing to pay handsomely for that.

But you should know if you decide

to take on this El Chupacabra

is that you'd better be

prepared, put your life on the line.

[Sturgess] The man's right.

Your little town' in big, big trouble.

I mean, it's in deep, deep doo-doo.

Not to worry though,

my name is Sturgess Preston

and I'm a cryptozoologist.

(attendees chattering)

Monster hunter?

(attendees chattering)

[Attendee] Okay.

I can hunt down your Chupacabra.

Just like I did when I led an expedition

down the river Murrumbidgee,

then northeast of Boorooban,

to the lands once occupied

by the Wamba Wamba tribe.

It was there

in a cave

that I discovered this.

(attendees gasping)

The fabled Bunyip.

Mind if I take a closer look at that?

[Sturgess] No time, my young friend.

See, what I'm trying

to say is there are those

who are intellectually

and genetically qualified

to address the situation.

And then there's

this town.

It's not just some old relic.

It's the Chupacabra.

It's been feeding on this town for years.

[Sturgess] And yet no one in this town

has done anything about it.

It's just a missing arm

here, a missing head there,

an endless trail of bloody entrails.

You have no idea what's out there.

We'll take our chances.

[Pete] Fine.

If you're some renowned

cryptozoologist, tell me,

when was the Loch Ness

monster first discovered?

May 2nd, 1933, first reported

by the Inverness Courier.

Too easy.

I'm a carnivorous bat-like species

with a wing span of twelve

feet, where do you find me?

Well, if you're referring to the "Ahool,"

I'd look for you in the

Java rainforest of Indonesia.

Come on, man, challenge me.

I'm the the 12th son of Mother Leeds.

[Sturgess] Trick question.

Not the 12th, the 13th.

The sheep-headed hoofed

monster of the Pine Barrens,

otherwise known as the Jersey Devil.

(attendees applauding)

Don't feel bad, kid.

Book reading only gets

you so far, you know?

Leave this to the professionals, everyone.

We don't wanna see anyone get hurt.

(attendees chattering)

Pete.

Hey, stranger.

Bailey?

What are you doing here?

I thought you were... I

guess I just can't quit

this silly little town, at

least not for the summer.

I'm interning at the TV station, KBLF.

Isn't their transmission

range less than 50 miles?

It's just an internship,

but they're giving me some airtime.

What you been up to?

Right.

The Chupacabra.

Remember our blood oath?

We swear to rid the town of this beast.

If we die when we try,

we won't care in the least.

All for one and one for all.

A solemn promise to answer the call.

- So will you help me?

- I think I already am.

I heard something about a body

brought into the morgue

last night, mutilated.

The sheriff was real

cagey about it when I asked.

(dog barking)

(camera whirring)

(strange music)

What the hell was that?

Run!

(strange music)

Bobby!

(strange music)

(static crackling)

Does that thing even work?

It works, all right?

It's just finicky.

Just another piece of

sh*t brought to you by EGI.

- [Sturgess] What's that?

- Oh, nothing.

Look, we just need to get in range

and initiate the control sequence.

Easy-peasy.

How close are we talking?

A hundred yards, something like that.

(machine beeping)

Look alive.

Oh yeah, I got him.

(shrill music)

(creature growling)

Hurry the f*ck up, Sturgess.

Initiating control sequence.

(creature growling)

[Quinn] That's it, I'm taking it out.

Do not fire!

(creature growling)

(creature grunting)

Did you check this battery?

[Sturgess] Of course

I checked the battery!

[Quinn] Blow on it!

(machine chiming)

[Sturgess] See, I told you.

You're mine now, b*tch.

(Sturgess chuckling)

(machine chiming)

You see?

I told you so.

Now whaddya say?

You wanna go k*ll some rednecks?

(tires screeching)

(horn honking)

- That was a dirty trick.

- What?

You know what.

The video.

Well, you're here

now, that's what matters.

For the record, I don't

believe in any of this.

Chupacabra folktale bullshit, okay?

Got it.

Happy to have you on board.

[Cindy] Petey!

Pete!

I had the most amazing idea.

What if Roy went with you

on your little Bigfoot camping trip?

[Pete] It's the Chupacabra, mom.

You know that.

It's a hard word to say.

Besides, a little bonding

time between you and Roy

might be nice, don't you think?

What do you say?

What? What's wrong?

Well, oh, you think I'm

gonna go after your prize?

You thinks that I'm

doing this for the money.

It ain't that.

I love you, mama.

Oh, baby.

You are so gorgeous.

I so adore you.

I would walk over broken glass.

I would crawl

Oh, Roy.

All over coals and

burn my legs off for you.

And then I would swim

across the Gulf of Mexico.

That'd be kind of

hard to do without legs.

What do you say?

Wanna spend some bonding

time with your step daddy?

(Cindy giggling)

Fine!

(Roy chuckling)

I'm gonna get my stuff.

(keys clacking)

(phone ringing)

[Deep Shadow] Bailey Bell?

Speaking.

[Deep Shadow] I've got a hot tip,

the biggest news story

this town has ever seen.

Okay, you have my attention.

[Deep Shadow] It's about

the origin of El Chupacabra.

Meet me at the Lone Star

tomorrow night, 8:00 PM.

Come alone.

Best we speak in person.

(unsettling music)

(keys clacking)

(car beeping)

(bells chiming)

You know what they're

gonna say about you, right?

"He was the quiet type

mostly kept to himself."

"I always knew there was

something off about him."

Always sneaking off to the woods

and playing with toys and

sticks and rocks and stones

People are gonna say what they want.

I just wish you'd believe what you saw.

Me, you, Bailey, we were all there.

It could have been anything.

A mountain lion or a boar,

or maybe it was just a mangy Coyote.

2012, 2016, 2020 and now,

the same four-year

cycles, the same patterns,

a six-month window of k*lling

leading up to the presidential election.

Oh, my God.

You're giving me a migraine.

I'm hanging out with

the kid who ate the paste

in elementary school.

That was a scientific experiment.

It said non-toxic.

It had to be proven.

(bells chiming)

Hey, y'all, hey.

They got them herbal b*ner

pills and they're real cheap too.

Y'all want some?

Ah, f*ck it, your loss.

(bells chiming)

(flies buzzing)

(siren blaring)

You just

I'll

Yeah

(radio chattering)

What are we looking at here, Evelyn?

It's clipboard, sir.

It's like a portable desk.

Right.

What do we know about the victim?

Not much.

The wife found him this

morning in multiple pieces.

[Officer 1] I can't find the head.

Anyone seen the head?

Damn it.

What could have done this?

[Officer 2] No, but I think I see a foot.

[Sheriff Miller] Hey.

Hey.

Hold up.

Hold it.

[Cameraman] Testing.

- One, two, three.

- Hold up.

[Cameraman] Testing.

Y'all ain't gonna do this.

Terror struck our town of Blufkin today

as a man was savagely

attacked just a few feet away

from where I'm standing.

Sources say the man's

head is still missing,

though most of the body

parts have been recovered.

Sheriff Miller, do you care to comment?

It is true that the the head

has not been recovered,

but we do have a hand and

a hand's got fingerprints, so...

Are you suggesting

that finding the head is not a

priority for law enforcement?

No, no, no, the head,

that is right up near the top.

I mean, it's damn near the top.

It is the top, it's the

top priority of body parts

that we will recover.

Sheriff, Mac Wiley, who

owns the biggest ranch in Blufkin

just put up a $50,000

reward for the capture

or k*lling of a creature

the locals refer to as El Chupacabra.

He says he's lost cattle

and livestock in a gruesome fashion.

Now, a man is dead.

Is there a connection here?

Well, isn't everything connected?

I mean, if a butterfly

flaps its wings in Argentina

and a man ends up here

in Blufkin without a head,

I mean, how are they not connected?

Are you suggesting that this was the work

of a butterfly, sheriff?

Now, hold on, I'm not gonna fall

for your lame stream,

big city, gotcha-journalism.

A man is dead and he has no head.

So you can print that or put it on your TV

or whatever it is you do

with your dang old news.

Well, there you have it, folks.

A man dead, no head,

and not a lot of answers.

One thing's for certain,

this town will be on edge

until whatever did that is

found and brought to justice.

I'm Bailey Bell, KBLF News reporting.

Thanks, sheriff, that was great.

Do keep me posted, huh?

(people laughing and chattering)

(jaunty music)

[Danny] Are you kidding?

You invited her?

What, Bailey?

She's an original member

of the Chupacabra Club.

She's got a new job as a TV reporter,

this could be a big story.

Plus, she's our friend.

I'm starting to think

you don't understand

the concept of friendship.

Okay, like someone that you

haven't spoken to in a decade,

that's probably not your friend.

Or a girl who's repeatedly

ripped out your heart, okay,

stomped on it, spit

on it, showed it to you

What are you talking about, Bailey?

- Yeah.

- [Pete] She's my friend.

Yeah, we might've had some ups and downs

over the years, but...

Sixth grade.

Sixth grade, she told the whole school

that you still wet the bed.

Oh, that was news.

And that doesn't make her a bad person.

That makes her a good journalist.

Seventh grade.

Her expose about the

rectal thermometer incident.

Well, like I said, she's a newshound.

She sniffs out a good story

and doesn't let personal feelings

get in the way of a good scoop.

Eighth grade dance.

[Pete] You're just bringing

up all the bad stuff, okay?

Yeah.

[Pete] Remember when Oren

Deavers gave me a whirlybird?

- Yeah.

- Remember what she did?

She took Ms. Hawkins' three-ring hole punch

and nearly beat him to death with it.

47 stitches.

That was f*cking gruesome.

That's what friends do for each other.

What are you two lame asses

yammering about over here?

Nothing.

He's letting a reporter tag along.

Trust me, she's bad news.

Oh, f*ck that.

No, we ain't gonna have no

lame stream media out there

f*cking around with our Chupacabra hunt.

Wait a minute.

Is she the Mexican, you know,

with the overbite and the mole and the

I could get down with that.

No disrespect to your ma.

This thing's great.

New firmware update.

Yeah.

Improved targeting mode.

Cool.

This is gonna be awesome.

(Sturgess chuckling)

(jaunty music)

(stomach gurgling)

Oh, this burrito ain't sitting right.

I warned you about

them gas station burritos.

Wisdom coming outta this guy.

That ain't nothing compared

to what's gonna be coming outta you.

(stomach gurgling)

(jaunty music)

(fart blowing)

What are you doing here?

Move it.

No, I'm good.

Could you at least

gimme some toilet paper?

(farting)

Pete?

Pete!

I'm begging you.

Now, see, back in the

old days, you used to go out

and get yourself a varmint,

you know, a squirrel or a rabbit

or in a pinch a possum. You'd catch it.

Then you'd squeeze it, pull its head off,

rip that head off and then

(stomach gurgling loudly)

(farting)

I f*cking hate you!

(loud, wet bowel movement)

Got a little bit on your

shoes there, big chief.

f*ck you.

(Roy chuckling)

Make it last.

(flies buzzing)

(foreboding music)

(creature grunting)

(foreboding music)

(creature grunting)

(foreboding music)

(creature grunting)

(foreboding music)

(creature growling)

(hunter screaming)

(b*ll*ts crackling)

(foreboding music)

(quirky music)

Holy sh*t.

Afternoon, gentlemen.

How goes the hunt?

Fine and dandy till

about five seconds ago.

You mean because we showed up?

Did we spoil your day?

Day ain't over yet.

In fact, we don't appreciate no outsiders

sticking they noses in

our god dang business.

Especially when that

business pays out 50 grand.

(Quinn chuckling)

- Oh, yeah?

- [Owen] Yeah.

So you boys are after

El Chupacabra too, huh?

Here I thought this was, oh, I don't know,

an outdoor retreat for

the micro p*nis club.

Look at you with your sassy mouth

and your big city t*tties.

You know in fact, girl.

(energetic music)

f*ck you

Look, man, I didn't mean no offense, okay?

I'm just trying to be a big

man in front of my boys.

You can understand that, right?

Well, there you go.

If you have to try to be a big man,

you probably don't have what it takes.

Look, I'm not looking

for any trouble, okay?

I'll get my boys, we'll

just cut outta here,

just poof like a puff of smoke

and we'll be on our way.

You can even keep the dang old el

[Sturgess] I'm thinking.

(bird cawing)

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, you and your boys,

you can just pack up your things

and head on home.

No harm, no foul, right?

Right, okay then, all right, right.

Come on, boys.

f*ck this big city bullshit.

(Owen murmuring)

Come on, Earl.

f*ck!

Goddamnit!

Seriously, what the hell was that?

[Sturgess] What?

We should have wasted those f*ck.

Oh, there's more than

one way to waste a f*ck.

[Owen] Holy sh*t, it's

the god dang Chupacabra!

(rednecks screaming)

(monster growling)

(rednecks screaming)

(cryptid controller beeping)

(monster growling)

See?

(cryptid controller beeping)

Works like a charm.

(doom music)

(monster growling)

(dramatic music)

[Newscaster] Our top story,

Blufkin's local population

took a minor hit today.

Reporter Bailey Bell has more.

Steve, Sophia, as strange as it sounds,

it looks as though there's more

to the Chupacabra curse here

in Blufkin than folks have

been willing to accept.

While local law enforcement

has been largely silent,

avoiding unpopulated

areas is highly recommended.

For KBLF News, I'm Bailey Bell.

Wow, Bailey, that was

a very, very extensive

and surprisingly graphic series of images.

Sophia.

I've lost my faith in Jesus.

Hey, Buck.

- Don't hey, Buck me.

- What's got you all riled up?

What was that?

I didn't approve that segment.

Blood and gore, it was

a god damn sh*t show.

That's right, a sh*t

show right here in Blufkin

and people deserve to know about it.

Oh, Lord, have mercy.

Everything's just black and white

with Little Miss Bailey bell, ain't it?

Look, I'm just trying to

do what you taught me.

Use my instincts.

"Tell the story, don't be the story."

That's what you said.

Well, you're the story now, B.

Fanny Wellman wants to see you.

I don't think it's good news.

f*ck.

(jaunty music)

(girls chattering and laughing)

Hey, you know when a cub

scout becomes a boy scout?

What?

(Roy chuckling)

Oh, geez, man.

Don't, don't, don't

When he eats his first brownie.

(Roy chuckling)

You're demented.

You know that, right?

(Roy chuckling)

I'm gonna ask you

this one more time, Carol,

where is the cookie money?

Girls, your mothers

are gonna be very cross.

Our mothers are gonna rip

you apart when they find out

you've been skimming

off the top, you dumb b*tch.

Please, honey.

It's just my boyfriend, Donald,

he got on the meth real bad.

Plus, his crippling gambling problem

led him do some poor decision-making.

They call it the Lucky Buffalo Casino,

but there ain't nothing lucky about it.

You get what I'm saying?

(upbeat hip hop music)

No!

We'll find you.

So, Carol, where's our money?

Huh?

(Carol crying)

(light classical music)

Bailey Bell.

Have a seat over there, Sugar.

Miss Wellman, I don't

mean to be disrespectful,

but it don't make a lick of sense.

What's that, sweetie?

You k*lling the biggest

story this town's seen in years,

being that we're a news station.

Oh, look at you, my little news star.

k*lling stories?

That's adorable.

I didn't come here to

play games, Miss Wellman.

What I wanna know is

why you pulled my story off

our website, the one I built

last year during my internship.

Yes.

You are a very clever girl.

So how about this?

You stop polluting the airwaves

with your silly Chupacabra stories

and I'll keep paying on your scholarship

so that you can finish school

and become a big news star

who outgrew her hometown

and never came back.

Something evil is loose in this town

and something tells me

you're not gonna lift a finger to stop it.

And I'm getting to

wonder why that might be.

I think we're done here.

You can put your badge right there.

Oh, such a shame, I had high hopes for you.

(light classical music)

See anything yet?

No, not yet.

(cheerful music)

We'll find him.

Been looking for El

Chupacabra for the past 10 years.

I know its patterns,

I've done the research.

You're just the guy who's...

The guy who's what?

The guy who's porkin' your mom?

Let me tell you something.

Your mother, she's good people.

Don't you forget that.

(cheerful music)

(ominous music)

Tell you what this is Pete, god

dang government conspiracy.

Oh sh*t, here it comes.

Roy's about to drop a truth b*mb on us.

No, Pete, look, I

looked at all your charts

and on there you wrote,

"EL Chupacabra attack every four years."

You know what happens every four years?

The Olympics?

No.

No, wait.

My Abuela's B-Ms?

No.

Elections, Pete, elections.

I think you're right,

I think they're trying to thin the herd.

It's a plausible theory.

Oh, my God.

What happened to you?

You used to be the smartest kid in school.

You were too smart.

That's why everyone hated you.

I don't mean like hate, hate.

They just liked to to pick on you.

I see.

- You cut him loose.

- What?

Yeah, kid got a little too weird for you

so you cut and bailed on him.

Guilty by association much?

Yeah, yeah, 'cause you've definitely

got the moral high ground here.

I mean, Pete, these crazy

conspiracy theories are

Run.

I'm sorry, I'm just

saying that I don't think

I can buy it. Run!

(creature growling)

(Roy screaming)

(creature growling)

(creature grunting)

[Roy] Oh, my ba*ls!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my giblets.

Oh, my God.

You gotta, you gotta open it up.

What?

[Roy] You gotta relieve the pressure.

You gotta take off my shorts.

I don't think that's a good idea.

[Roy] You shut your god damn mouth.

Pete, you gotta help me, Pete.

Pete, save me, Pete.

Yes.

No underwear?

Really?

You gotta let the boys breathe, you know?

We need to get you back to camp.

[Roy] No, no, Pete.

No, leave me.

I'll just, I'll slow you down.

I'll just slow you down.

Just leave me here.

We can't just leave you here,

I know someone who can help.

[Roy] Pete, listen to me, you gotta go,

you gotta go find that thing and k*ll it.

Save a town.

Be a hero, Pete.

Be a hero.

Just leave me.

- Leave me here.

- [Pete] Let's go.

Oh, God.

Oh, not so fast.

Oh, my God.

(Roy groaning)

Easy, easy, easy, easy!

Sorry for the late night call, Doc.

But we have a situation here.

This is my friend, Roy.

He's hurt pretty bad.

[Doc] Where is the pain at, my friend?

(unnerving music)

What the f*ck happened to you?

It looks like a giant hairy Jujubee.

Must make powerful tea.

(Roy groaning)

What's in it?

All natural, mostly

fungi and cactus extracts.

Old family recipe.

[Danny] You mean like shrooms?

Peyote?

I crushed up a couple of ibuprofen too.

Drink that.

(scary music)

(Roy chuckling)

(scary music)

(lively rock music)

(lively rock music continues)

How long until it wears off?

[Roy] Pete.

Pete.

Me and you, we're amigos, man.

We're compadres.

Simpatico.

(Roy chuckling)

Doc, we gotta get going.

If it's all right with you,

we'll leave Roy here and

come from in the morning.

Yes.

Your redneck friend will be safe with me.

You be careful, Little Squirrel.

(Danny laughing)

You have an Indian named?

Dude!

That's like a big deal.

El Chupacabra is not of this land.

It comes from darkness.

It will not be easy to defeat.

[Danny] Would you say

that it might be impossible?

'Cause what I'm hearing is

pack up your sh*t, go home.

So maybe we should.

I've got a name for you

too, "Chief that shits his pants."

(Roy laughing)

[Roy] He so did, he did too.

(Roy laughing)

It wasn't even in my pants.

Mostly, it was mostly not in my pants.

Only like half.

I like Austin, but I love San Antone

Yeah, they both got hard love and women

Dancin' in their hon key-Tonks

Evening, Sheriff.

Hey, how ya doin'?

I don't know what you're talking about.

There ain't no sheriff here, aye?

Look, I know that in high

school, you set the state record

for most football related

concussions, which is weird

being that you were just

the equipment manager

for the volleyball team.

But this, this is strange,

even by your standards.

I don't think you understand

how deep this rabbit hole goes.

There are dark forces at work in Blufkin.

Rudy Ledbetter, David Garza, Henry Dibble.

It's a long list.

They just vanish.

Well, we find them in a dozen pieces.

It all started when they

redrew the county map.

They are hiding something big down there.

That's your story.

(phone buzzing)

- [Pete] Hello?

- Hey Pete.

Listen, I'm gonna send

you some GPS coordinates.

I think there's something important there

near Mac Wiley's property.

I just got a tip from an anonymous source.

He says that that's where

it all started with the Chupacabra.

[Pete] I don't understand.

- Why here?

- I'm not sure.

But he says they're hiding something big

out around those hills.

[Pete] We'll head there now.

- Be safe, B.

- You too, Pete.

So I like Austin, but I love San Antone

Sure, Bailey, we'll just walk

right into those coordinates

you got from the mysterious informant.

Does that really sound

like a good idea to you?

Are you saying she's lying?

I'm saying I don't have

any reason to believe her.

Okay, I haven't spoken

to her since sixth grade.

Well, she never stopped talking to me.

Unlike some people I know.

Look, I know you'd rather

be at home playing Xbox.

I don't play video games.

Oh.

I don't have time for that sh*t.

I'm

Okay, if I was home right now,

if I was home right now,

I'd be working on getting

the Skeptical Deathmongers

back out on the road, okay?

Because holy sh*t, those guys are lazy and.

I have to book an arena,

book an arena for the

Lucha Libre exhibition,

I need to get Jinx and

Latrice's waxes scheduled.

My point is, I have irons in the fire-ons.

You know, I'm doing sh*t.

Okay, I didn't mean to

imply that you're not productive.

Let's just finish what we're doing

and then you can get

back to your empire, okay?

(eerie music)

(cryptid controller beeping)

I don't like this, boss.

We're too exposed.

[Sturgess] Relax,

as long as I've got this,

that thing won't come

within a hundred yards of us.

We take care of the kid and his crew

call in the mop-up team and

we can put a pin in this one.

Or you can pack up your

sh*t and head on home, city boy.

Oh-h*, hey.

Oh, look, we don't want

any trouble, all right?

It's a big world, right?

No need for any bad blood.

So why don't you girls just go ahead

and run on home to your

mommy and your daddy

and let the grownups take it from here.

It depends.

Depends on what?

Depends on your wrinkly old a*s.

You know, from when you sh*t

your pants from being so old.

- Depends.

- Shits his pants.

(playful music)

(keys clacking)

[Roger] Saw your report on the news.

Glad someone did.

This town's got blinders on.

You've lived here a long time, right?

All my life.

My great-grandfather,

he was a descendant of

Nate Love, the cowboy.

He drove cattle from Texas

all the way to the Dakotas.

Let me ask you something.

Do you recall any border

disputes between the county?

It'd be about 30 years or so ago.

This is a land survey from the eighties.

See this?

Now, this is the most recent survey.

See the difference?

Wow, now that's a big chunk of land.

[Bailey] It sure is.

And it just so happens to

border Mac Wiley's ranch.

He's the one that put

up the $50,000 reward.

Folks are saying it's

The Chupacabra.

You know what?

I got something that you need to see.

Happened this morning.

I almost fell through it.

- Did you go?

- Oh, Hell no.

I'm gonna see where it goes to.

What?

If I don't come back,

Call Buck Luckett at KBLS

and tell him what happened.

How am I supposed to know what happened?

Crazy a*s white girl.

God damn shame.

(phone buzzing)

Wendy, are you okay?

Not really, Pete, we're trapped.

There's an army of Wendigos goes out there.

They're everywhere.

I wish there was something

we could do to help.

We got attacked earlier.

By the Chupacabra?

Are you all right?

- Yeah, we're fine.

- No.

No, no, we are not fine.

[Pete] We are fine.

Are you okay?

I don't know, Pete,

there's so many of them.

They're gonna take over the town for sure.

I gotta go.

Wendy?

Wendy?

Oh no, no, yeah, she's f*cking dead.

It's not looking

She's dead.

She's dead.

Dude.

I wasn't the one who k*lled her.

(creature growling)

(disturbing music)

(disturbing music continues)

(machine beeping)

(eerie music)

This is crazy.

Look, if you're not willing to believe

what you just saw with your own eyes,

I'm not gonna waste my breath

trying to convince you it's real.

Look, okay, we saw something, all right?

Maybe it was the Chupacabra,

but I'm not seeing the plan here, Pete.

Like you shot it with a tranquilizer dart.

It didn't do much.

I'm not seeing the bigger

boat here, you know?

I'm trying, okay?

The wheels are turning.

Oh, the wheels are turning?

Like right now they're turning?

So when the Chupacabra

comes down on my f*cking head

and rips off my f*cking

arm, I'll just be like,

"Hey, no can do, sir 'cause my buddy here,

his wheels, they're

actually turning right now.

"His wheels are actually

turning right now."

Just gimme a minute, okay?

Great.

Can't wait to see.

Can't wait to see what you come up with.

(g*n c*ck)

(Pete gulping)

sh*t.

(eerie music)

(distant alarm)

(eerie music)

(eerie music continues)

(camera clicking)

(eerie music continues)

(camera clicking)

(camera clicking)

(eerie music continues)

(camera clicking)

(monster growling)

(menacing music)

(mystical music)

Well, Doc, I'm ready to announce

that my trouser tater's ready for action.

We can't leave Pete

out there all on his own.

Oh, hey, I just want to say

sorry about the white man

stealing all your land and stuff.

It's okay.

We're over it.

Really?

No.

(mystical music)

Let's go help Little Squirrel.

Yeah, right.

Oh, hell yeah.

We're gonna need a couple of these.

(Roy chuckling)

Let's go.

(dynamic rock music)

You know, I gotta hand it to you, Mackey,

you lasted longer than

all those other yokels.

Ya' got moxie, kid.

You'll never get away with this.

(Sturgess chuckling)

I think we already did.

No hard feelings though, Pete.

You were never target,

just collateral damage.

(creature growling)

That was too close.

It's fine.

As long as I've got the control

f*cking Q Scouts.

Stay put.

Now that guy's a major as*h*le.

There's a knife in my left pocket.

Grab it if you can.

Hey, sorry, I didn't believe you.

It doesn't matter.

No, no, but it does.

You're a good friend.

You remember when we met?

Of course.

First grade.

That's not the knife.

Ew, why's it all...

Why's it all...

Got it.

Anyway, I didn't speak any English,

so everyone just thought I was dumb.

But you didn't care.

You were a real friend.

It's water under the bridge.

- [Danny] sh*t!

- What?

- The knife, it slipped.

- Slipped how?

[Danny] Down the back of my pants.

Dude!

Dude, you're just pushing it down further!

Just relax, okay, you're clenching

and you're crushing my fingers.

What I'm trying to say is that

I should have had your back

with the whole Oren Deavers thing.

That guy was a bully

and I should have stood

up to him, you know?

He just would've beat you up too.

[Danny] Yeah.

Yeah, probably, but that's what friends do

for each other, right?

(gentle music)

Point the knife at at the thing.

You're right.

[Danny] No, not at

You need to get it onto the

I'm sorry.

Well, don't this look like a party?

(gentle music)

(exciting music)

We need to go this way.

Are you using your

Indian powers to track him?

No.

GPS.

He pinned his location.

That, sir, is very wise.

(exciting music)

(creature screeching)

Did you see that?

Stay calm, everybody.

f*ck.

Nicked By a bunch of 10-year-old girls.

Nice f*cking work, Sturgess.

This is no time to play

the blame game, sister.

Stay frosty.

Boss man won't be happy if

we have to take this thing out.

That's not the protocol.

You let me deal with this.

There's plenty more where that came from.

(bone-chilling music)

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, great, great, great,

kidnapped by mercenaries.

I can finally cross that

one off my bucket list.

Wonder what's next for the Chupacabra Club?

Oh, oh, wait, I know, certain death!

You heard what he said.

They're using something to control it.

This is our chance to

stop it once and for all.

[Bailey] It must all be

running through here, right?

Maybe we can tap into it.

(keys clacking)

(computer beeping)

[Computer] Access denied.

(triumphant music)

Technology, am I right?

Roy, Doc, what are you doing here?

Saving your a*s, my friend.

Now, forget about that

computer bullshit and arm up.

Let's go k*ll something.

What about me?

You do know how to use that thing, right?

We are in Texas, are we not?

("I'm a Psycho")

[Pete] Here we go.

k*ll it like I'm Jason Vorhees

With your knife, your

wife, a Michael and a mask

I'm a psycho

Call me Norma Bates,

brains on my dinner plate

I really like to wear

your face, I'm a psycho

Baby say my name like the Candyman

Jack Torrance running

in the snow, I'm a psycho

f*ck' with the mind of a maniac

Pinhead leave your

bed red, I'm a psycho

k*ll it like I'm Jason Vorhees

With your knife, your

wife, a Michael and a mask

I'm a psycho

Call me Norman Bates,

brains on my dinner plate

I really like to wear

your face, I'm a psycho

[Hugo] Hey, Chief.

[Sturgess] Yeah?

You did submit the HD225s, right?

[Sturgess] A what?

A request for hazardous duty pay.

Yeah.

Sure.

I think so.

[Tate] You think so?

He f*cking forgot.

Awesome.

Yeah, make sure to send me

a quarterly feedback request.

I'm gonna rip you a god damn new one.

(creature growling)

What the hell was that?

God dammit.

(creature growling)

(scary music)

(Tate screaming)

(flesh squelching)

(scary music)

(riveting music)

(Quinn grunting)

It was nice know in you, Tate.

Don't worry, bro, I'll clear

out your browser history.

sh*t.

(creature growling)

(Hugo screaming)

(creature growling)

(riveting music)

Believe me, I get it.

It's a small room. I get claustrophobic.

(creature growling)

(flesh squelching)

[Quinn] m*therf*cker!

(creature growling)

as*h*le!

(Quinn screaming)

(chilling music)

[Roy] I'll take that.

Looks like it's let's

make a deal time, huh?

- Where is it?

- Where's what?

The k*ll switch.

We know all about the cycles.

Every four years, El Chupacabra appears

and then it's gone without a trace.

Four years?

I don't understand.

- Yeah, sure.

- What?

You think I'm part of

some global conspiracy

to take out rural voters

every election cycle?

I mean, what possible good could be served

by reducing America's hillbilly population?

I can't think of anything.

He's being sarcastic.

I can tell.

[Sturgess] Well, go on, Pete.

You got your big confession.

Your girlfriend... She's not my girlfriend.

Friend's got a big news story.

I guess that means you're done with me.

So shall we get on with it?

I'll k*ll him.

I can operate surprisingly

well with a guilty conscience.

[Mortimer] Let him go

or every single person you've

ever loved is going to die.

Pete!

Petey, are you in there?

Look, I don't know what's going on,

but there's men here and they've got g*ns.

Big, big g*ns.

I think they're going to k*ll me.

Pete?

Hey, player.

Looks like we got ourselves

into a little bit of trouble here.

Huh. Mama always told me,

"You can never trust a white girl."

[Bailey] Not directly responsible, Roger.

Mm-hmm.

Hey!

It's Tio Frank!

Tio Frank is on the thing.

Morales, if this is your doing,

I'm going to f*cking k*ll you!

This is a one time offer.

Let my man go and I'll

release your people unharmed.

(Sturgess chuckling)

(Sturgess chuckling)

I'll take that.

Well, I guess this is where

we say, "Adios, amigos."

(Sturgess chuckling)

Did I get that right?

(Danny laughing sarcastically)

f*ck off!

(Sturgess chuckling)

Later, losers.

(Sturgess chuckling)

(door slamming)

(Sturgess chuckling)

(Sturgess crying sarcastically)

(Sturgess chuckling)

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you!

Nerd!

And f*ck you!

(Sturgess chuckling)

(creature growling)

It's right there.

(terrifying music)

(creature growling)

(flesh squelching)

(creature growling)

(Sturgess screaming)

(terrifying music)

[Danny] f*ck!

(creature growling)

(flesh squelching)

(Roy chuckling)

[Roy] sh*t.

(Roy chuckling)

(creature growling)

That window won't hold much longer.

(creature growling)

- What are you doing?

- I'm going in.

We'll figure out the

password, hack the system.

We'll find the k*ll switch.

Don't you understand, boy?

I am the k*ll switch.

Tell your mother I love her.

(creature growling)

Pucker up, buttercup.

It's prom night and I'm all out of condoms.

(creature growling)

(expl*si*n booming)

(glass shattering)

(soft ambient music)

(bird cawing)

Blufkin's long nightmare is over

and the truth has been revealed.

El Chupacabra is real.

Or at least it was until just a moment ago

when a man named Roy

Dixon, who will forever be known

as a town hero, sacrificed himself

to destroy what we now know

was a genetically-engineered

k*lling machine.

I'm Bailey Bell, KBLF News reporting.

(soft ambient music)

(heartwarming music)

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I have something I wanted to give you.

Thought you needed

the money for the diner.

Nope.

Turns out Roger's just a

terrible business person.

He at least paid the insurance

bill. We made a claim.

It's covered.

I don't know, Pete, it's a lot of money.

Yeah, it is.

Maybe you could use

it to start your own club.

(heartwarming music)

All for one and one for all?

A solemn promise to answer the call.

Chupacabra.

Chupacabra.

[Danny] See you around, Pete.

(heartwarming music)

(dynamic rock music)

People are beautiful

Oh, no

But people are beautiful

Do you feel it

People are beautiful

Oh, no

People are beautiful

Do you feel it

People are beautiful

(daunting music)

[Female Computer Voice] Warning.

Bio-containment breach in sector 13.

Please report to your

assigned evacuation point

for further instructions.

Warning.

Bio-containment breach in sector 13.

Please report to your

assigned evacuation point

for further instructions.

Warning.

Bio-containment breach in sector 13.

Please report to your

assigned evacuation point

for further instructions.

(daunting music)