01x07 - The Rarest Bird

[bunniefuu]

[birds chirping]

[Harriet] I've always had a soft spot
for bird-watchers.

In a way, they're spies like me.

They've got the outfit, the gear…

[chirping]

…and most importantly, the notebook.

[ducks quacking]

Once, I even bought a guide
to try bird-watching myself, but…

I invented a little game instead.

Bald Hornbill.

I wanna say that spying on other spies
trained me to be a better spy,

but maybe it was just fun.

"Birdstravaganza?"

Ants on a log, please.

[Harriet] This was big.

Central Park would be crawling
with bird spies.

Thanks.

I could identify all the types.
It was perfect until…

[Mrs. Welsch]
Harriet? Are you planning to go to that?

The Birdstravaganza?

- Yes.
- Me too. It'll be so fun.

[gasps] We can do it together.

[gasps]

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ I am gonna be who I wanna be ♪

♪ My autonomy ♪

♪ No, I won't cut my hair ♪

♪ And I'll wear whatever ♪

♪ I like it when I get to be myself ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪

Since when do you give
two figs about birds?

Well, for your information,
I'm helping the Natural History Museum

raise funds to restore their
Great Birds of North America diorama.

Why?

Well, because it's practically molting.

[Harriet]
"Molting." Look it up. Could be important.

I was hoping you'd be more excited.

We hardly get any mother-daughter time
these days.

I am e-excited.

It's just I don't want us
to step on each other's toes.

Oh, why would that happen?

Dancing school.

[stammers] That was one disagreement.

That lasted four years.
And what about yesterday on the train?

I don't understand why you insist
upon taking the subway

when a cab is quicker
and more comfortable.

Because you don't get to see anything
in a cab.

Don't-- Don't point. It's rude.

It's no one's fault.
We're just too different.

But that's why I need you
at this bird thing.

You're so good at adventure stuff.

You know, in a blink of an eye,
you're gonna be off to college

and I'll hardly get
to spend time with you.

I think we can manage one fun day
together. Don't you?

Please come with us. Save me.

You know very well I can't.

My mother has a cold,
and she needs attending to.

She'll pick on me the whole time.

"Hold the binoculars like a lady."

And "Stop pointing at the birds.
It's rude."

And-- And… [sighs]

Yes, yours is truly
the worst of all possible lives.

What's "molting" mean?

Molting?

Shedding one's feathers or hair or skin.

[pen clicks]

When I was born, do you think it's
possible that Mom took the wrong baby?

What's this?

To k*ll a Mockingbird.
Harper Lee. Read here.

"You can choose your friends

but you sho' can't choose your family,

an' they're still kin to you no matter
whether you acknowledge 'em or not,

and it makes you look right silly
when you don't."

Don't be a silly Harriet.

[Harriet] So I tried my best.

[hushed chattering]

[imitating bird sound]

- [shouts]
- [camera shutter clicks]

- [bird chirping]
- Ye-- Whoa!

Phew.

[groans] Whoa! [grunts]

[imitating bird sound]

Now you.

[chirping]

Whoa, look at all of them.

- Harriet.
- What? I didn't point.

You're staring.
It's like pointing with your eyes.

One of these days, Mom,
you are gonna make me molt.

[chuckles]

Don't muss up your hair.

No. Mom. Ow. Please. I have a hat.

Okay, okay, sorry.

Listen, while you spy on the bird spies,
whatever that means,

I want you to keep an eye out
for a woman named Iris Vanderyke.

Oh, let me guess.
She's got loads of money,

and you want her to give it to the museum.

She's an avid bird-watcher,
so it stands to reason

that our diorama might be
of great interest to her.

What's she look like?

She wears a monocle.

- That's it?
- Well, I've never seen her before.

She rarely appears in public,
except at birding events,

which she takes very seriously.

Welcome, friends and fellow members
of the avian society

to our annual Birdstravaganza.

The subject of this year's photography
competition will be--

Chirp roll, please.

[chirping noise]

A rare visitor to the park
this time of year.

The ruby-crowned kinglet.

[gasps] Oh, look at that.

First to capture a clear photograph
of the bird wins.

Stay put. I'll sign us up.

He said it was a "tweet, tweet,"

but I'd swear on my life
I heard "cheep, cheep,"

which as you know is a huge difference.

Abso-cheepa-lutely.

[man chuckles]

[Harriet] Yellow-Breasted Cheep Warbler.

[chuckles]

[bird chirping]

[Harriet] Gray Geezer Catbird.

That's the Boy With the Purple Socks,

which is not a bird name
but the nickname I gave him

when he came to our school last year.

I vowed to never learn his real name,

because, come on,
Purple Socks is so much better.

[camera shutter clicks]

[gasps]

[grunts]

- Whoa! [groans]
- Ooh. Uh, sorry.

[sighs]

[both] It was her fault.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

This is why children
should not be allowed to compete.

[Mrs. Welsch] Harriet, what's going on?

Your daughter should learn
to watch where she's going.

Did you do something?

Mom. [scoffs]

Listen up, ma'am.

I didn't come here to spy on birds,
but I will if I have to.

And you don't want that
because I'll win the competition.

Oh. [laughs] Impossible.

I win every year.

- [gasps]
- [both] Iris.

[whistles]

[birds chirping]

All that fancy equipment
is no match for a good spy!

[sighs]

[pants]

Harriet, slow down!

[sighs]
It's not fair to the other bird spies.

She has a crew and everything.

Oh, Harriet. Why do you do this?
We need to make nice with her.

You don't want her money, Mom.

She's a meanie,
and we need to teach her a lesson.

Harriet, where are your galoshes?

At home.

You'll soak your feet and freeze to death.

My feet will be fine
if we can just walk faster.

Or can you not do that in those big boots?

- Stop.
- [sighs]

We are not going to spend
the whole day bickering.

[inhales deeply, sighs]

We are going to have a fun time
together, all right?

[Harriet] I wanted it to work. I did, but…

[gasps] Mrs. Matthews.

[Harriet] Matthews?

[groans] Now I knew the Boy
With the Purple Socks's last name.

Why did Mom have to spoil everything?

Funny seeing you here.

Say, you don't happen to know
Iris Vanderyke, do you?

Hello, Harriet.

Hello, Mr. [sighs] Matthews.

You can just call me Pe--

Don't. Please. I know too much already.

- But--
- Don't make me beg.

Sweetie, come look. A Carolina wren.

Aw. Harriet, would you like to look?

[Harriet] Be nice, Harriet. Be nice.

You brought opera glasses?

Those aren't strong enough!

They're just fancy binoculars.

Happy birding.

[grumbles]

Harriet, what has gotten into you?

I know the Boy With the Purple Socks's
last name.

Okay, well, I don't know what that means,
but Mrs. Matthews just saw

Iris and her crew on the other side
of the meadow.

What luck, right? Come on.

No, we have to find the bird
and win the contest.

[Mrs. Welsch] You can do that just
as well on the other side of the meadow.

Iris must've left already.

Well, it's for the best,
because I just found my first clue.

It's a perfect match
for the kinglet's ruby crown.

[Harriet] And that's not all.

Now, where did you go, little birdie?

Harriet? Please don't go in there.
Harriet.

[grunting]

[screams] Oh. Ow.

Slow down. We're--
We're gonna get lost in here.

[screams]

Life is a struggle, Mom,
and a good spy never quits.

I am not a spy.

[screams] Oh! Let go. Let go!

Oh. Oh, thank goodness.

[shushes]

Get the camera.

Well, I'll be.

That's right.

Mean old Iris with her crew and fancy gear

are no match for Harriet M. Welsch.

- Mmm, it's a cardinal.
- What?

I'm no expert, but I'm fairly certain
that's just a cardinal.

The problem's your silly opera glasses.

That's not a cardinal.
It's a ruby-crowned--

It's a cardinal. You were right.

These do the job.

How are we ever going to get out of here?

[screams] Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow--

Whoa! Ow, ow. [grunts] Ouch.

- [Mrs. Welsch] Ouch.
- [Harriet] Prickers!

- [both grunting]
- Oh.

- [groans]
- [grunts] Ow.

[both grunting]

- Ow. [grunts]
- Ow! [screams]

[groans]

Hot cocoa break?

We need to get back on the trail.

[sighs] At least sniff the aroma
of imported chocolate.

[sniffs] I think you'll change your mind.

Hello, fellow birder.
Can I offer you some hot cocoa?

Oh, so kind, thank you.
I already have coffee.

[Harriet] Bald Hornbill.

[chuckles]

Say, you haven't happened
to see Iris Vanderyke, have you?

I have.

[laughs]

Harriet.

Sorry, I haven't seen her
since this morning.

Thanks. Enjoy your day.

Happy birding.

Sweetie.
Come, let's take a photo together.

No, we need to go.

This'll only take a sec. Come on.
I'll use the self-timer.

- No.
- Harriet.

Why?

Because I wanna capture memories
of us together before you're all grown up.

That's what today
was supposed to be about.

You only say that's what today's about,

but really, it's about getting money
from this Iris lady

who isn't even nice!

So why would you even want money from her?

[wings flapping]

Sorry.

Is-- Is that how you really feel?

[sighs] I told you this wouldn't work.
We're just too different.

Well, congratulations. You were right.

[sniffles]

[Harriet] So we split up.

I wasn't proud of it,
but it couldn't be helped.

With Mom out of the way,
I'd find that bird in no time

and finally stick it to Iris.

But every trail I followed led to…

Wet feet.

[bird chirping]

Or the Yellow-Breasted Cheep Warbler.

Or worst of all…

- [screams]
- [chitters]

A puffy-tailed pip-squeak.

[sighs]

[bird cries]

I told you you'd never win.

Iris?

This is why children
should not be allowed to compete.

Ow, ooh, ow, ooh, ow, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Ow.
- [laughs]

[the Boy With the Purple Socks] Harriet?

Are you okay?

We just saw a great horned owl.

It was breathtaking, simply breathtaking.

Where's your mom?

Oh, um, I-I'm headed back to meet her now.

I bet you two are having
just as much fun as we are.

Tell her we say, "Happy birding!"

[Harriet] Purple Socks and his mom
make me wanna throw up.

But not too much.

[groans]

[grunts, sighs]

Hey.

Hi.

[Harriet groans]

- Here-- Here, let me, uh-- Let me, uh--
- Uh, no!

I-- I like it this way.

- How'd it go?
- Good.

- You sound hoarse.
- I talked to a lot of people.

I'm doing well also.
Just narrowing in on--

The closest I got to the bird was
following some tracks to a little stream.

[groans] But I'm not even sure
they were the right tracks.

And now my feet are wet.

And I had a vision where Iris tried
to eat me and--

Can I have some imported
hot chocolate, please?

Thanks.

It's funny you should mention
a little stream.

I got a tip that Iris and her crew
were headed into the woods

toward a little stream.

I was following the right tracks!

You know, wherever that bird is,
Iris can't be far behind.

We could find them if we pooled
information, worked together?

[Harriet] So we gave it a shot.

When I spoke to Henry Farnsworth,

he said that the ruby-crowned kinglet
likes water.

So Iris and her crew
will never be far from it.

Where does the stream go?

By the boathouse. To the lake.

Come on.

Wait. There's a shorter route
if we cross the stream.

Bet you're glad I wore
these boots now, huh?

[Harriet] Even though my mom and I
were basically total opposites,

just like me, she was tough…

observant…

and as unstoppable as a tornado.

They work for Iris.

- She must be close.
- I got this.

Hey, you two.

Sorry, boathouse is closed.

Guarding the boathouse for Iris?
That's pathetic!

You're like birds flying
at the back of a V.

Just following the leader.

Hey, don't you wanna fly solo?
Don't you wanna be free?

[both laugh]

Scram, little girl.

[Mrs. Welsch] I bet Iris has been working
you fellows pretty hard today, huh?

I say you deserve a break.

Hot cocoa? It's imported.

From Belgium.

[both chuckle]

To Belgium.

Sometimes you catch more flies
with honey than vinegar.

Who wants to catch flies?

Harriet.

[sighs] I get it.
Being polite and kind can work too.

A good spy should know that.

Look. Iris!

[bird chirps]

The ruby-crowned kinglet!

- We did it!
- Now what?

[chitters]

- [rumbling]
- [chitters]

- Just let me talk to her.
- I need that photo!

[panting]

[camera shutter clicks]

[both shouting, groaning]

[gasps]

- [screams]
- Ms. Vanderyke! [grunts]

- [both grunt]
- [bird chirps]

[gasps] I-- I am so sorry!

- Here. Here. Let me-- Let me just--
- [Iris] Don't touch it!

Oh, okay. Um, where do I start?

Hi.

My name is Carol Welsch
and I'm with the Natural History Museum.

As a fellow lover of birds,
I would like to speak to you

about a tremend--

Make like the dodo
and be gone from this earth.

No!

You cannot speak to my mom like that.

She's working really hard to raise money
for something

you might actually be interested in
if you just listened to her!

What is your name, child?

I want you banished from this competition.

Harriet M. Welsch.

And even though you were right

that a kid like me
couldn't photograph that bird,

neither could a molty old buzzard
like you!

The buzzard plays a vital role
in our ecosystem.

I take that as a compliment.

[blows raspberry]

The underwing should be silver
with the tips splayed like fingers.

That said, I like it. May I buy it?

[whispers]
I think I know what I'm gonna do.

[normal voice] $10,000.

I'll give you five.

Thousand?

Five dollars.

Make your check out
to the Natural History Museum.

[Harriet]
No, my mother didn't get the donation

she was hoping for that day.

And I didn't get my photo of the bird,

but I like to think we each
got the impossible.

A fun time together.

You wanna do this again next year?

I can't wait.

[Harriet] We were different, sure.

But if we combined our powers,
maybe we could be great.

[the Boy With the Purple Socks] No!

This time I wanna look through
my own binoculars.

But we always look together.

Mother, I'm 11 years old.
I can look on my own!

Fine.

Fine.

[both laughing]

[Mrs. Welsch laughs, sighs]

[bird chirping]

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪

♪ And I try my best to do good
In the neighborhood ♪

♪ I smile real nice ♪

♪ And I strive to tell the truth ♪

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪

♪ I am gonna be who I wanna be ♪

♪ My autonomy ♪

♪ I just wanna be
You just wanna be ♪

♪ We just wanna be ♪

♪ No, I won't cut my hair ♪

♪ And I'll wear whatever ♪

♪ I like it when I get to be myself ♪

♪ I don't wanna be
You don't wanna be ♪

♪ We don't wanna be told what to do ♪