01x05 - Monogamish

[bunniefuu]

Here's how the fairy tale goes.

Fall in love. Get married. Be faithful.

Grow old together and die.

I do.

Not.

I've lived most of my life

thinking marriage was my destiny.

But look around. Divorce everywhere

and a whole lot of cheating going on.

It's the sex menu.

He's definitely not

faithful. Look at that guy.

The dream of one true love

ain't cutting it anymore.

And it's easy to find almost,

but love is so much more complicated.

It's not a fairy tale. If

anything, it's a scary movie.

With, you know, nice

parts in the middle, yeah.

Is there a better way to find love

with more than just one person?

She's my wife, and

then he's our boyfriend.

This one is a polyamorous

group of people

hanging out together, casually.

Of course.

Is it your wedding day today?

- Oh, my gosh! Congratulations!

- Thank you.

How many times have you been in love?

This is probably the only time.

Do you believe that monogamy is

what comes naturally to humans?

I don't think that it's

something that comes naturally,

but I do think it's something

that we've come to expect.

If for some crazy reason, one of

you ended up wanting someone else,

or, like, wanting to

explore maybe something,

would you expect to be honest about it?

I guess it would depend

on the circumstances.

- Yeah.

- Um

I think if I felt like there was

some sort of, like, premeditation,

- I think it'd be over immediately.

- Yeah, of course it would.

But I feel like if it was

something that happened unexpectedly

and if my heart felt like

I wanted to keep trying,

- I probably would do that. Yeah.

- Thank you.

You seem so calm for somebody

who's about to get married.

- Thank you.

- You look absolutely so stunning.

- I hope you have an incredible day.

- Thank you.

It's not the fairy tale we've been fed.

I just think that's what

every fell fairy

What every fell

Wow.

Every time I'm in love, I envision

marrying the person that I'm with,

and I do envision being with

them for the rest of my life.

I'm an old school-hopeless

romantic in that way.

Whether or not that lasts,

it's what I feel in that moment.

Once I'm in love, then it's, like

and everything else is

just, "Goodbye, world."

But once you go through heartbreak

and then heartbreak and heartbreak,

you go, "Wait, this is not

worth it. This is silly."

If it breaks again, what if

it doesn't get back together?

I mean, I'm still mending

from not one relationship

but three, four three.

Yeah.

Being in all these relationships,

I thought I knew what I was looking for,

but maybe now I don't

really know what that is.

I want to discover what else there is

because usually I've just

kind of gone for monogamy,

but maybe that isn't the right answer.

I really want to believe in love

and marriage and all that stuff.

But after a string of relationships,

my love life needs a makeover.

So I'm starting by asking the

most basic question of all,

what is love?

Forget poets and philosophers.

This is one where science

might have the edge.

So, we are in Santa Barbara.

I'm about to meet a scientist

who is going to show me

what love looks like in my brain.

Or even if I have one at all, so

The woman with this terrifying power?

Bianca Acevedo.

She can tell if you are in love

just by scanning your brain.

- Hi. Hey. I'm Cara.

- Hi.

Nice to meet you. Come on in.

We're going to ask you

to change into scrubs

to make sure you don't have any metal,

and then we'll get you started.

Oh, my God. Okay, cool.

Now, the idea is that

my brain will be scanned

while I look at a load of photos

of different people from across my life.

Oh, my gosh, it's chilly.

Are these going to keep

me warm? Not really.

We're going to give you a blanket.

Pictures of family, close

friends and relationships.

I'll be talking to you.

I'll say, "This next scan is

gonna be five minutes long.

Hold still as much as you can."

If I feel love, my brain

will light up in a very particular way

and the MRI machine

will basically reveal

my secrets to the world.

Okay, Cara, are you ready?

Yeah.

Counting down, three, three, two, one.

The first photo Bianca randomly selects

is an old friend I'm extremely close to

and who also happens to

be incredibly attractive.

Now, how do we know she's not asleep?

We don't.

Hey, Cara, how are you doing?

She's snoring.

She's snoring.

Cara?

- Cara? How are you doing?

- I'm good.

- You fell asleep.

- I know. I snore. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Hey, it was comfy, warm and dark.

And looking at my friend

just made me feel secure.

- Quick blast of caffeine

- Goodnight.

and it's back into the love machine.

It's just really cosy here.

Here we go.

After a few more photos of

other friends and family,

Bianca shows me someone

I've had a rather

complicated relationship with.

We're looking at what

Cara's brain is doing

when she's looking at

images of her ex-partner.

How is everything going?

- Good.

- Fantastic.

We're going to come in and get you now.

The study is over.

A quick breather, and it's results time.

What did you find out?

Yeah, so we typically see this

First up, my hot friend.

What does my brain have to say?

When you look at the picture

of the person you admire,

your brain activity

is not that much there.

Doc, you see a lack of

love, I see a sneaky snooze.

Now, let's see how my brain reacts

to a much more complex relationship.

So, you ready to see your

brain response to your ex?

Sure.

- This is the response to your ex.

- Jesus Christ.

So you're showing activity

in both the right and the

left ventral tegmental area

that we see in people that are in love.

- Wait, what?

- We see this brain activation

- in people that are in love.

- No way.

Yep.

Right. Cool. Good to know.

Oh, God.

- Were you expecting to see that?

- Definitely not.

But I understand there's a

strong emotional response.

But it definitely wasn't

love. It was sadness and anger.

But is that what love

is meant to be like? No.

Well, we do see a lot of activation

in the areas related

to emotional memory.

Thanks brain for making

me aware of these things.

Apparently, feeling in love

stimulates bits of the brain

that release the rewarding,

feel-good chemical dopamine.

Love is basically a drug.

The ventral tegmental area

lights up in response to rewards.

So, in response to the

face image of your ex,

you still find it rewarding.

- Life is complicated.

- It is indeed.

One of the things that

has been most surprising

is just how tenacious love is.

Like, it's a really strong drive.

Even if couples are

not always doing great,

there is still a strong

bonding connection there.

They will still show

this intense reward-related

activity in their brain.

- Love is a beautiful thing.

- No.

But what Bianca's uncomfortably

revealing work shows

is that love is real and tenacious,

even if we're not always

conscious of our response.

No wonder it sometimes

feels like an addiction.

And that sense of reward leads us

to this whole business

of monogamous marriage.

I was definitely sold

the wedding fantasy.

Yeah, it was all the idea

of, like, marrying someone

that will look after you

and maybe have, like, a

nice title in their name.

But I was like, "I just don't

want to rely on anyone ever.

I want to make all my

own money and I want to

rely on myself and myself only. See ya."

But that's me, and that probably leans

into more of my little,

like, masculine boy side.

I don't feel like monogamous marriage

would work for me, and

I know I'm not alone.

Welcome to Japan,

where those reservations

about old-school weddings

are getting a very modern twist.

I'll attend a wedding

I don't know much about,

but I've heard it's not

your average wedding.

Midori is 28 and a stunning bride.

So, what about the groom?

It started three years ago.

Well, when I first saw Morgyn,

I saw him, I was kind of surprised

and couldn't look directly

at him for a moment.

I felt like I was really struck.

I felt that I was already

attracted to him at first sight.

But when the groom is wheeled in,

this wedding suddenly

takes an unexpected turn.

He's a character

in a computer game called The Sims 4,

and his name is Morgyn Ember.

I'm actually a huge fan of The Sims.

It was something I used to

play a lot when I was younger.

I always felt very attached.

I've been following his

movements in the game

for a long, long time now.

And I've noticed that he's giving me

a very favourable look

from behind the screen,

and I felt that in my heart.

We will continue to love

and support each other,

and to spend a lifetime together.

Now, I would like to ask

you two to please kiss.

I was afflicted by a severe

inferiority complex back then.

He accepts me exactly as I am.

And the moment I realised that,

I suddenly became able

to accept him as real.

How much pressure was

there to get married?

In Japan, the idea still remains

that women are supposed

to marry and have children.

More than ten years

ago, my mother told me,

"Hurry up and get married

so I can play with my grandchildren."

I don't want to have children

just to be playthings for my parents.

Okay, at first I was bamboozled.

But getting to know Midori, I

realise this is a unique reaction

to the weight of her

family's expectations.

Marrying fictional

characters isn't for me,

but I can massively relate to her.

What do you feel like meeting Morgyn

has made you understand about yourself?

I believe, that Morgyn

is a transgender man.

I realised, I was able to learn,

that gender is not just men and women.

And I thought, while

I was focusing on him,

"Maybe I'm not a woman either.

Maybe there's part of

me that feels masculine?"

Through Morgyn, Midori

discovered she's X-gender,

the Japanese equivalent of non-binary.

Morgyn also helped Midori

unlock her sexuality.

I am probably bisexual,

but I wasn't able to accept myself.

But because I liked Morgyn,

I realised it is something

that can be accepted as normal.

I'm beginning to get it.

Midori is young, q*eer

and gender-questioning

in a traditional society

where same-sex marriage

still isn't legal.

So she's living out her dreams of love

through a monogamous wedding ceremony

making the old rituals work for her.

We hereby pronounce the two of you

to be officially husband and wife.

Congratulations!

I feel that by actually

holding the wedding ceremony

here in the real world,

I really want to walk more

with him in this reality.

It's a step beyond the relationship

between the player and

the person in the game.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

Yay!

The love that was exuding,

you could feel it in every

ounce of what she was saying.

I felt so overly emotional

and happy for her,

and that's the most

incredible thing in the world.

She's found the greatest

gift in the world, self-love.

It's not just Japan

where heterosexual monogamous marriage

is being questioned.

32% of Americans have

never walked down the aisle.

Global divorce rates have

nearly doubled since 1970.

So no surprise then cheating

is on the up, up, up.

Good luck staying faithful in Italy,

where 47% of men admit to affairs.

What about the boring old Brits?

Surprisingly, 20% of

us are playing away.

While across the pond in the US,

20% of men and 13% of women

fess up to marital infidelity.

Have you ever been cheated on?

What's that like?

It's rough. Yeah, being

cheated on is not ideal.

But, you know, I've also cheated.

I usually prefer to be broken up with

than to break up with someone.

I find the guilt of breaking

up with someone harder

than being broken up with.

I'd rather stay in the

relationship until it eats me alive.

It's a very weird thing to do.

I don't know why I stay.

The problem is as well when

you don't have much self-worth,

if someone cheats on you, you

take them back and let it go,

which is the stupidest thing.

Once you lose trust for

someone, it will never come back.

Why continue being in a relationship

where you don't trust someone?

Beats me. But I've done it.

Cheating is so widespread,

it's a no-brainer we humans find

strict monogamy so difficult.

But in one country, changing

attitudes toward infidelity

appear to have created

a business opportunity.

Mexico City, devoutly

Catholic, nuns galore.

Yet, if you're looking for a place

for some very glamorous two-timing,

here you're spoilt for choice.

Now we are going to a love hotel

to see one of the

most important factors,

which is privacy.

Where guilt and shame are not invited.

It is made to enjoy and relax.

Aidee has seen more than

a hundred love hotels

open in Mexico City

in the last ten years.

And they're all over the country.

"What's a love hotel?" I hear you ask.

Well, this ought to give you a clue.

Firstly, we know that there

is a market for adultery.

We have different attractions

in different rooms.

But there is a wonderful feature,

which is the sex menu.

And this means that you

can order to your room

anything from costumes,

lubricants, love toys.

We really insist you get out of bed

and do the same things

in brand new ways.

Can you bring me some drinks, please?

Yes. Thanks.

I think they've arrived.

Here it is. Drinks. Okay?

The waiter has brought them already.

Without me having to

interact with anyone.

Today visiting a hotel equals cheating.

But why are all these

love hotels appearing now?

Well, until recently, just

having an affair in Mexico

could land you in jail.

Then ten years ago, the law changed.

Suddenly, cheating was legal.

And love hotels went

from secret and seedy

to boutique and mainstream.

Five out of every ten women

and six out of every ten men

admit to having been unfaithful.

Whereas ten or 15 years ago,

it was basically 60%

of men and 30% of women.

That's a near doubling

of infidelity rates

amongst the ladies in a decade or so.

So, it's really interesting how women

maybe now they are

admitting to being unfaithful

more than they did before.

Or maybe they are more open

to having these affairs.

Changing the law lifted

the penalties for infidelity

for both men and women.

Yeah, go equality!

But is equal opportunities

adultery actually a win?

Let's just say yes.

Now the gap between men who

admit to being unfaithful

and women who admit to

having been unfaithful

at least once in their lives

has completely closed.

But is it really a surprise

that so many of us are

rubbish at monogamy?

After all, we're animals,

and zoo keeper Alexi Grousis

reckons we've got a lot to learn

from the birds and the bees.

And don't forget the horny beasts.

You want to check out these

animals? I'll lead the way.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited.

When we look at the animal kingdom,

especially the animals that

are most closely related to us,

we see that monogamy

is not as common as

we'd like to think it is.

Look at him. I make owl sounds.

Oh, my God, owls are so cool.

Monogamy is most commonly seen

in birds, less so in the primates.

When you look at the primates,

they get a little more promiscuous.

I'm more feather than fur,

I think, so far at least.

And as for the reptiles

Turn around. He's

definitely not faithful.

Look at that guy.

And, guys, no prizes for

guessing which bit of your anatomy

shows just where us humans

lie on the fidelity spectrum.

- What is this?

- Yeah.

I've put together a nice

little demonstration for you.

I've got the relative testes

size of different animals.

- So

- Can we call them ?

- I don't. I'm American.

- I'm English, though.

- All right. They're

- Or testes or whatever you

Wait, what? You can't say ?

- Is that a bad word?

- But you can say "testes"?

- It might be wise to say testicles?

- Testicles.

Testicles? That's Oops.

When we look at this one right here,

this is roughly the size of

an owl monkey's testicles,

which is a very monogamous animal.

The testicle size is

almost directly related

to the amount of sperm produced.

But is that meaning

the bigger you have,

the more likely you are

to be less monogamous?

Potentially. This one right here,

that would be the rough size

of a chimpanzee testicle.

- No!

- Yeah.

So big equals promiscuity.

They produce a lot of sperm

and a lot of males

compete with each other.

- I have a lot of questions now.

- Yeah.

Well, before you ask those,

let me show you this one.

And humans

are neither strictly monogamous

nor highly promiscuous.

- We sit kind of right in the middle.

- In the middle.

That's never something

I've heard with before.

Yeah, no kidding, right?

Right, let's get this straight.

Nature has given us, I

mean, males, medium sized

Sorry, testicles.

It sounds like we're designed

to be neither totally monogamous,

nor totally polygamous.

Let's say, flexible.

So, biology says flexible,

but society wants stable.

Can we square the circle and

have both variety and commitment?

Here's an idea. How

about throupling it up?

- My name is Johnisha.

- My name is Jeron.

And my name is Destiny.

She's my wife, and

then he's our boyfriend.

- Oh, you did the same thing.

- I did.

I personally like the uncomfort

of, like, when we walk into a room

and nobody knows what our dynamic is.

People fill in the

details how they will.

So, what brought this

tantalising trio together?

We got married last year.

We had actually started wanting

to have kids around that time.

We either wanted a donor,

or we wanted somebody

that was going to also be

like a father in the life.

So, me and Jeron actually

dated seven years ago,

and we stayed friends

and eventually, like,

being in a throuple

sort of kind of fell into our lap.

As far as it being all three

people on the same page,

- this is my first time.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. For all three of us.

- Yeah, same. For all three.

We're always getting like,

"Don't you guys get jealous?

Oh, I could never share my man."

But he's like, "Oh,

you got two girlfriends?

High five dude!" Like

Usually it always goes to sex.

"How do you guys have sex?" Like,

I don't know. Google. Like

Especially in the beginning, we had

a lot of just honest conversations.

If you can't communicate

with just one partner,

two partners is going to be harder.

So communication is key.

Good thing this throuple

have communication sorted

because baby Isiah's arrival

means domestic arrangements

need a lot more thought

and organisation.

There was a lot of questions

about how logistically

everything would work.

With there being three

sets of grandparents

and three sets of aunts and uncles,

everybody wanted to make

sure they'd have their time.

Relationships come

in all different ways.

It's not something I'd do.

But, you know I figure, if

you don't like it, don't do it.

But it seems that

it's working with them.

I like the way they get along together

and, you know, co-parent.

I give them credit.

Society says you should

be with one person,

but, you know, we are human

and we have these emotions,

so I don't think it should just

be limited to just one person.

It doesn't have to be for everyone,

but, you know, it works for

us, and we're happy with it.

It's just more love.

It's just more parents.

It's more grandparents.

It's more aunts, more uncles.

Our village to raise our baby

is already a step ahead of most.

These suburban throuple trailblazers

show that relationship

dynamics are all different.

And they've created an

alternative type of family

that works for them.

Maybe now's the time for me

to seriously consider

my relationship future.

Monogamy has never worked out for me.

But are there any right answers?

Luckily, I know just the

evolutionary anthropologist

to help.

So yeah, I want to ask you what

is biologically, socially ?

Am I meant to be monogamous?

What can I do? Tell me, doctor.

So, the inputs into how we end up

in terms of our relationship

structures are two, okay?

You have the biological

input, your instincts.

But then we have the really

quite powerful cultural influence

on how you behave in relationships

and what structures you find.

And that's really influenced

by what society tells you is expected,

maybe the religion you follow,

your examples as you were brought up.

That can actually overpower

that biological instinct.

There's no right answer.

The organisation of

relationships is a spectrum.

We've got, like, monogamy here,

right up to more complex

things like polyamory.

Given absolute free rein as a

human, you should have the choice

to sit on that spectrum

where you feel comfortable.

Unfortunately, obviously,

in many societies

that freedom is not there.

What's your life experience,

your relationship history?

I mean, it's

I've usually tend to have been

in long-term relationships,

quite close-ish to each other,

and, you know, always been monogamous

until like there's been, like

maybe an arrangement made

at some point later in,

but that's always been

the end of it, anyway.

I don't know, I've been

single for two years.

Because I have been single

for the longest time I ever have been,

I would like someone to tell me,

"This is what you're meant to have."

If it is, "You should be married

with a girlfriend and a boyfriend,"

I'd be, like, "Dope, cool.

Now I know what I'm aiming for,

and let me fill those spots."

You meet one person,

get married, have kids.

Like, I like someone telling

me what I need to go for

instead of kind of this just endless

How many people, one

person or what gender, or

Ah, it's a lot! It's confusing.

It's way more complicated

because how do I know when that

How do I know when I've found my family?

So, forget right and wrong.

The relationships that

work for us as individuals

are a stew of biology, social

norms and good-old fashioned lust.

Society sold me the dream of monogamy.

But polygamy, multi-partner marriage,

dates way back to ancient times

and is legal or tolerated

in over 50 countries.

Problem is, in most cases,

it's one man, many wives,

and I've got to say,

it seems like it's not

a good deal for women.

But one woman is on a

mission to shake all that up.

I currently have three

intimate partners.

Nyamakela, he is a heterosexual man.

He is the father of my

children. He's my fiancé.

Also, my nesting partner,

which basically means we

do house things together,

we take care of the

children, we have bills,

we have that every day

kind of living relationship.

Yeah, I'm very, very blessed.

And my second partner is Kerline.

Kerline, come get.

Our dynamic is more of a BDSM dynamic.

We met through a mutual friend,

and I'm struggling to focus

because Muvumbi's doing this thing.

She has like this twinkle

thing that happens.

Why are you twinkling at me?

Because I love you.

My third partner is MJ.

MJ is my light love affair.

We love listening to music

together and holding hands.

Muvumbi's got a lot,

literally, all bases covered.

Domesticity, intimacy and BDSM.

So, what more does she want?

Well, she also wants to get married.

If I can marry a man and a woman,

that's always been my dream.

There's just one problem.

At the moment, that's

ill*gal in South Africa.

Men can marry multiple wives, polygyny.

At one time, former South African

president Jacob Zuma had four wives.

But women cannot marry

multiple husbands, polyandry,

let alone take a wife and a husband.

I'm an activist and I think that

I'm very vocal about polyamory

because it is so close to

my value, which is freedom.

I am a member of Poly ZA,

which is a polyamorous

group in South Africa.

Muvumbi is campaigning to get

the law changed, and guess what?

The government's now mulling over

a new bill that would

legalise polyandry.

The signing of the bill

to make it legal for women

to marry more than one lover

opens that up for me.

I think it's my right to

have access to all pleasure.

Men have been living that,

and we all want equal rights.

Even though a lot of

people feel like poly people

aren't about commitment

and marriage, I really am.

And I want to build a family.

I want to build a tribe.

- Hi.

- Hey, babe. Hey, boyfriend.

I think I'm the resident boyfriend.

That's the best title I

can think of, you know.

But the thing is, Nyamakela

is really not your average guy.

- Yeah.

- The fact that this is possible,

that I can make a

salad with my two lovers

makes me so happy.

So, Muvumbi wants to marry everyone?

I wouldn't say the more the better

because you can get saturated.

Everybody has their limits, yeah.

And I think right now mine is three.

My saturation limit? Not sure yet.

Can I really imagine myself

marrying multiple partners?

In my fantasy in now,

what am I thinking about?

Yeah, I would love to live on a

farm with my five wives and one man.

Can I say that?

I don't want five

wives. That's exhausting.

Okay, loads of husbands

and wives may not be for me.

So, how do I work out what is

my ideal kind of relationship?

Can science help me decide?

I don't think it's very

attractive that I'm spitting.

What are they going to test with this?

So, this is like a genotyping test.

Hold, please.

Different things to basically see

if like, to tell me more

about my biology of relationships.

If I'm genetically destined to

be in long-term relationships,

- or if I'm more likely to be single.

- Amazing. All from a bit of spit.

All from a bit of spit.

And for the results?

Well, it's back to my

brainy friend, Dr Anna.

We asked you for some of your spit

and we extracted the DNA from that.

And what we're looking at

is three particular genes

associated with how you

behave when you're in love.

So, no gene is deterministic,

but it's a good pointer.

How did you find this?

How do we correlate that

between the actual genes

and what it shows with

our relationship history?

Okay, so what we did

was we took a lot of spit

from about 4,000 people.

We took their relationship histories

and lots of psychological measures

about their attachment, their

socio-sexual orientation,

their empathy, all these

different sorts of things.

And we looked as whether

there was a relationship

between certain genes

and some of those traits.

There certainly is a genetic influence

on the way we love, on the way we feel,

and in terms of how we behave

when we're in a relationship.

You're so good at your

job, man. It's amazing.

I'm so I just want to know

I can't What else do I do?

So, Cara, your test results show

that you do not have the nesting gene.

So you are not overly motivated

to be in a long-term pair bond.

That you sit midway

on the empathy spectrum

and that you do not have the gene

that's going to increase the

likelihood that you are single.

Again, confusing, but I like it.

So, your propensity is more

towards having a relationship

than not having a relationship.

None of these things are making

me so sure about who I am.

This is because love is complicated.

Yeah, that's why I

long to not be single,

but I love being alone.

Nesting. Get it. Kind of.

My genes aren't my destiny.

That's a complex mix of environment,

biology and just plain chance.

In fact, the cutting-edge

research Anna talked about

shows 32% of people in relationships

carry the gene making them

more likely to be single.

But it looks like genetics are

a powerful influence on intimacy.

Yeah, so I learnt

that I am not a nester.

I'm medium empathy.

People feel double as

much as me to other people.

That's like a lot. Yeah,

I hate being medium.

I never want to be middle anything.

I'd rather have none or all.

That I get obsessive.

So I'm not likely to have

long-term relationships genetically,

but I don't wanna be single

either. That's cool, confusing.

Thanks, Mum and Dad. I

definitely do want to change.

I think I have a very

unhealthy relationship

with attachment, with love,

still with self-love and patterns.

And it's just the

longer I stay single,

I realise it takes a

long time to change.

So, is there a way to have it all?

The variety and thrills that

come with more than one partner

but instead of being deceptive

and secretive about it,

being open and honest instead.

Funny story, here I am

frantically searching

for a group of polyamourists.

No luck so far.

But I have found a

fabulous santarillion 1964.

Here we go. Hurrah!

So cool. Hi, guys.

- Hi!

- Hi!

Welcome to a polyamorous c*ck party,

run by the fabulously

named Sex Positive LA.

So, I'm really excited

to meet all of you guys.

I've always been curious

about different ways of relationships.

I think a lot of people aren't

even aware of the options.

This is an interesting time.

It's kind of, like, a

new sexual revolution

of people really figuring out

what's going to make them happy

and seeing that there's

different ways to do things.

And you don't have to sacrifice

your happiness for someone else.

Looks like I've found an explorer

who's been on this relationship journey

for longer than me.

This one is a polyamorous

group of people

hanging out together, casually,

and, like, nerd out about

what it means to be poly

I love that nerding out about

poly. That's interesting.

I don't now what the

rules are. Are there rules?

There's no one way to do any of this.

Just like there's not

one way to do monogamy.

So, there's different

types of polyamory.

For example, solo poly.

One person dating multiple people,

but kind of no ties to each person.

There's kitchen table polyamory,

where there's maybe multiple people

who are with all other partners

and get along harmoniously.

- Um

- Cool.

There's a V that's

literally the like letter V.

So, there's one person

dating two people.

There's endless

different configurations.

To be polyamorous, do you have

to relinquish jealousy completely?

Most polyamorous people would say

that jealousy comes up for them.

Communication is so important.

Like, what is the reason

why I feel jealous?

Like, something emotional happening,

I felt like you should have been

checking in with me as we all as

Sure, and that's the thing. In

a harmonious poly relationship,

you would be figuring

out how to thwart that

before it gets to that

point of anger or resentment.

I love the constant communication.

Because of the

relationships I've been in

I was very unable to express

when I was hurt, when

I wasn't treated well.

I'm now desperate to learn

about the highs and lows of polyamory

from people who live them.

What drew you to polyamory?

What does it mean to you?

- What has it brought to your life?

- It's just a way of being.

- It's my identity.

- Yeah.

So, it's not taking anything

away from any other person,

and it's just adding more.

Really gives you the

opportunity to figure out

what works for you and

your partner, or partners.

Just honesty.

Which might change and develop.

Doesn't need to be

the same for everyone.

Unfortunately, it ruins almost

every love story in most movies.

From our perspective,

when somebody is like,

"Oh, I love them and them."

We're always like, "Both!"

Love them all. Yes, be

transparent. We'll be over it.

So, I'm married, and my

discovery of polyamory

sort of coincided with meeting my wife.

I'd just gotten out of a relationship

where we tried to be just open.

I was in a relationship

when I was asked to open it,

which I basically knew was

the end of the relationship

because to me an open

relationship didn't make sense.

But polyamory makes more sense. Why?

I would say that polyamory

falls under the category

of a certain type of

open relationship maybe?

But most people when they're

asking for the open relationship,

they're asking to be open sexually

and then to not have any feelings.

- Which is yes.

- Which you can't really control.

In a lot of previous

monogamous relationships,

I've felt leashed,

I've felt collared,

and that makes me

want to break out more.

Yes, feel trapped, 2so you want to be,

"Okay, I'm not a caged animal."

In this short moment, I can

see how individual, how smart,

how emotionally developed

all these things

I can always, like,

refrain myself sexually,

but emotionally I have

connections with people.

And that was never okay.

Thank you. Each of

you dropped something.

I was like, "Boom, boom,

boom, boom, boom, boom, yay!"

I cannot even explain how much I learned

in such a short amount of time.

I was always intrigued

by polyamory, the idea.

I think it gets a bad rep.

People talk about it

who don't understand it

in so many different ways.

And I still don't know. I

can have solo polyamory

Whatever I'm experiencing right

now definitely leads more towards

something that isn't

conventional, for sure.

I still don't know what it is.

But I'm so much more

excited to continue exploring

without feeling the unsureness

or guilt or aloneness

that I guess I was before.

What I have learnt in

this whole experience

is the dynamics and the beauty of

so many different relationships.

No one can tell you how

to live your relationship

or what the rules are.

I think there are no rules.

The way that we're moving into

the future is so much more open

and able to let people be who they want

and love who they

want and how they want.

I don't know if I can be in

love with multiple people,

but I love multiple people.

And I feel very lucky to be able

to have that support and bond

with so many people.

But, in terms of love, the

most important relationship

and the most important love

you can have is for yourself.

There's no point being in a relationship

until you can fully love yourself

because you can't truly

love someone until you do.

So, while I spend my days

figuring all this sh*t out,

there's only one special someone for me.

He is yes, it is a he,

loyal, faithful, a perfect match.

And yes, just a little naughty.

This is perfect puppy love.