03x03 - How To Work Out

[bunniefuu]

[light music playing]

John Wilson:
Hey, New York.

When you're young,
life is simple.

You don't have to worry
about dressing yourself.

Your social life
is prearranged.

And you naturally get
plenty of exercise.

But, as you get older,

you become responsible
for your own well-being.

You start to eat
a lot of junk.

You sit around and get stoned
at home all the time.

And you drink a bunch
because it's the only way

you know how to be social.

But, after a while,

this lifestyle will start
to catch up with you.

[clears throat]

You barely have any energy
to do anything.

You're too weak
to defend yourself.

And you're so out of shape,
that people call you

really hurtful names.

And what was once
a fresh ball of clay

with unlimited possibility,

has hardened
into something disappointing.

And you no longer
like what you see

when you look in the mirror.

You were on a plane recently,
and during takeoff,

you had an unobstructed view
of the flight attendant.

You couldn't stop staring
at his biceps,

which looked like
they were about

to burst out of his uniform.

And you kinda wish
you could have those, too.

♪ ♪

Your entire life, you just
thought that people's bodies

just were...
were the way they were.

But, the more you
look around New York,

the more you notice all
the hard work people are doing

to maintain
their physiques.

They make it look effortless,

and you've never really
understood how to do it right.

But, maybe if you tried,

you could finally have
the beach body

you've always dreamed of

and surprise everyone

with your incredible
transformation.

So, instead of just
letting gravity suck you down,

stick with me,
and I'll show you

how to finally get off
your butt and...

and start to, uh, work out.

Now, there are a lot
of different gyms

to choose from in New York,

and thankfully, a lot of them
offer a free trial,

so you can take a tour
to see which you like best.

Most gyms just have machines
that simulate

a bunch of activities
that you hate doing outside,

like walking up stairs,

rowing a boat,

or looking over a wall.

♪ ♪

There's a large common area
where people lie down

to send text messages.

You have an unlimited supply
of free paper towels,

[clears throat]

and a bunch of
high-definition TVs above you

playing, uh,
inspirational, uh, programing.

At Retro Fitness,
all the equipment is yellow,

there's a movie theater
with treadmills

instead of seats

that, uh, p-plays "Space Jam"
on a loop.

And a fireplace room

with three numbered pods.

At Equinox,
they have a steam room

and really nice showers
with signs

telling you not
to have sex in them.

All the gyms seem nice,

but you, you may not be able
to picture yourself

going there every day.

You have a couple of pieces
of equipment at home

that you never
do anything with.

You also started smoking again
after a bad breakup,

and you don't know why
having a gym membership

would suddenly make you
wanna work out.

But, you're just gonna
have to figure out

some way
to get yourself excited.

You spent an afternoon

with a compulsive
masturbator recently,

and you were curious
how he stayed so motivated.

I think it's just prolonging...

prolonging the orgasm,

I think is the,
is the main goal.

Um, you're consuming porn,
obviously, to finish,

to orgasm.

Um, gooning is
riding that orgasm

without finishing.

Recently, it's evolved

into making these things
called "Goon Caps."

You write, like,
motivational text on it,

like, "Keep going!"
Or "You're doing great!"

And other people look at them,
and they masturbate as well.

-[notification chimes]
-And you keep it all going.

Sorry, that's work.

No one can make you feel

as good as you can
make yourself feel good.

-[musical ringtone]
-Oh, my gosh!

Oh, that's work again.
Mind if I take that?

John:
Yeah, sure.

It seems like having
someone else to motivate you

helps you stay committed
to something that's hard to do.

Gooner:
The wordplay is part of

the aesthetic of being mindless.

John:
Oh, like "stay tuned"?

Gooner:
Um, I wasn't going
for that specifically.

-[Gooner laughs]
-John: Oh...

Thankfully, most gyms
have personal trainers

that kind of do
the same thing.

You wanna feel better,
you wanna look better,

you wanna get strong?
What is it?

-John: I think
I wanna look better.
-You wanna look better?

-John: Yeah.
-Okay.

-John: Like this?
-So, I'm staying in this spot

-right here for
about 20 seconds.
-John: Okay.

-And pull right up.
-John: Okay.

-I squeeze this out into a T.
-John: Oh, okay.

♪ ♪

-John: Okay.
-And crunch.

John:
Oh, wow.

Okay... Okay.

Over here,
we do multiple things on this.

So, we go one, two,
three, four, five.

I got 'em counted all over here
when I'm doing multiples,

-when I'm trying to
get up to 300 reps.
-John: Oh, okay.

I think something's
on fire over here.

-Trainer: What do you mean?
-John: I think
this blanket's on fire.

Oh, sh*t! Wow!

We got the tires.
We flip 'em,

we jump on top of 'em.

We hammer 'em. Uh...

John:
I think the dumpster's
on fire now.

Jesus.

-Ooh, yeah!
-John: Oh, jeez.

Yeah. Do, do we have a fire
extinguisher or something?

[mop clatters]

[bangs]

[banging]

John:
Okay, that's better.

-We could do some steps.
-John: Oh, wow.

You're like, it's, it's...

It's kind of like a...
it's like you're a mime,
kind of.

The first day
everyone goes to the gym,

they should immediately take
a picture of their whole body

for themselves.

John:
It seems like if you wanna

take fitness seriously,

you're gonna need to get
a full-body photo of yourself.

Otherwise, you won't know how
much progress you're making.

Okay. Wow, that looks cool.

You tried taking
some video at home,

but you couldn't really...
get the angle right.

Thankfully, you were
at a cat show recently,

and you found a professional
photographer there

who agreed to take
seminude photos of you.

-This is the best kitten
of the year past.
-John: Oh, okay.

This is the best alter.

-The alters are
neutered and spayed.
-[indistinct PA announcement]

John:
I just started to work out,

so I kinda wanted to maybe get
a before and after photo.

Photographer:
This is the before? Okay.

You got big glasses and glares.

[camera beeps]

John:
Okay. What's today's date?

Photographer:
Today is the 16.

-John: And you'll send them
to me in an email?
-Photographer: Yeah.

Eileen Watkins:
This is a mystery series.

It's about a woman who has a cat
grooming and boarding business,

and she solves crimes connected
with her customers,

-human and feline.
-John: Oh.

Is, uh, "The Bengal Identity"
is that like
"The Bourne Identity"?

Yep.

John:
You were having a really
good time,

uh, looking around

at all the different,

uh, cool stuff
at the cat show.

But you still couldn't stop
comparing your body

to other guys' there.

♪ ♪

You started to feel
like a scrawny geek

who's waited too long
to put on muscle.

Maybe the world is
just one big cat show

where all your
physical imperfections

are being carefully logged
by everyone around you,

giving a number value
to every visible feature

to determine if you're
worthy of their approval.

[clears throat]

And you don't have a choice

whether or not
you participate.

You're excited to get your
professional photos back,

but the next day you got
an email from the photographer

telling you that
all his equipment

had been stolen
straight from his tent,

and now your
embarrassing photos

were in the hands of
some anonymous Jersey crook.

[mysterious music playing]

You keep looking back
at the footage to see

who there might have
done something like this,

but there were too many
suspicious people,

uh, to count.

And then, you remembered
that there was someone

that you met there that might
be able to assist you.

She'd written dozens of
animal-related mysteries,

so you thought
she might be able

to help you solve this one.

Was this the guy who was
the professional photographer

-who takes the show cats?
-John: Yeah, like Larry Johnson.

-Yeah. And it was his equipment
that was stolen?
-John: Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my gosh.
Could it be a rival?

Could it be somebody
who was, who was, uh,

doing the same kind of work
that he was doing,

but he was getting
more attention 'cause,

'cause Larry's pretty famous?

I haven't looked at it
in a long time,

but every once in a while,
I do refer to something.

John:
Robbery. Here we go.

"One of the leading forms
of major crime is robbery."

I actually, I have
some footage from that...

-I brought some footage
from that day.
-Eileen: Huh.

They probably would be
smart enough not to do it

while you were sh**ting a film.

John:
Yeah, right.

They come in with
an empty baby stroller

that you would
put a cat in,

and then they put it...
the stuff in there,

and then they wheel it out,

-and nobody even realizes
they've stolen it.
-John: Wow.

Eileen:
If he's lost a, a lot
of valuable equipment,

-you should go to the cops.
-John: Yeah.

Can we look up like another...
Like, are there...

Are there other
Jersey cat photographers?

You know, I really...

-I'm not a detective. I can't.
-John: Oh, okay.

Yeah, I was taking the photo
because, like, I was... I...

I'm, I'm starting to work out,

-and I wanted to take kind of
like a "before" photo.
-Um...

I could take a photo
of you with this.

John:
Oh, cool!

Would it be strange
if I took my shirt off?

Because it's,
it's a workout photo.

-Eileen: Okay...
-John: Okay.

Oops.

There we go.

John:
So now that you finally
have your "before" photo,

you can, uh, continue
on your fitness journey.

Over the next few months,

you spend most of your
free time at the gym.

You revisit every single song
you've ever heard.

And time that would normally
be spent filming

is now devoted
to making gains.

You find yourself
following buff men

in the supermarket
to see what they buy.

And everything you see
on the street now

just makes you
think of protein.

♪ ♪

You eventually start to see
a little progress,

but you still don't look
the way that you want to.

And you start to wonder what
you're even working towards.

Will you have to just be
in a room like this

for the rest of your life?
[clears throat]

And if you stop,
will you just go back

to the, the way
you looked before?

You can already lift the stuff

that, that you need to
carry around every day

and tame whatever
animal you need to.

So, you're not really sure
what you'd even do with,

uh, all that excess strength.

-[indistinct bar chatter]
-[loud punching]

[loud punch]

John:
But, it seems like once
your muscles get big enough,

it's good to have a place
to show them to everyone.

When you're at the gym,
you saw a poster

for a,
a bodybuilding competition,

which was 9/11-themed
for some reason.

['80s synth music playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

-[indistinct chatter]
-John: Where were you on 9/11?

Um...

I was just born.
Like, I'm, I'm 22,

-so, I was... [laughs] Yeah.
-John: Oh, okay.

-Were, we're you alive on 9/11?
-Uh, I was not.

-John: Oh, okay.
-But, I still, uh,
give my condolences

-and, uh, contribute
in any way I can.
-John: Sure.

Alright, well, thanks.
Thank you for your workout.

Um, my mom pulled us
out of school early that day.

-John: Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

John:
Uh, yeah, I think I-I left...

-Bodybuilder: Yes!
-[clapping]

Did you just f*cking
win a gold, bro?

John:
How has this experience
been for you?

Um, prep is extremely
challenging,

both mentally
and physically, um...

Yeah. I mean, I-I struggled
for quite a long time.

It's a very socially
isolating thing,

especially when
you're in college...

-John: Really?
-...because it can...

it takes away
your entire social life.

You get so much time and so much
everything goes into it,

and your mental, like, health
really deteriorates,

which people don't know about.
Like natural body...

Just bodybuilding
in general.

I wanna say,
like, waves of depression,

'cause, honestly,
that's what it is.

There's ni... I...
It sounds stupid,

but I, genuinely,
there have been nights

where I have like, cried myself
to sleep and said,

"It's not worth it."

Backstage, after,
after like, we were all there,

hitting our poses,
I was freaking out.

I saw the pictures my mom took,
and I was like,

"I-I look terrible!
I'm not gonna win!

I'm not gonna get even third!
I'm gonna do ter..."

And I'm just freaking out

because you just get
in like, this mindset,

and it's, it's just...
I don't know.

I'm just so glad now
that it's over,

and it's like,
it paid off, you know?

It feels great.

[pensive music playing]

John:
It seems like even if
it's emotionally devastating,

you should keep at it
no matter what it costs,

because commitment is
the most important thing.

When the event was over,

you ended up
talking to this guy

who gave you a book he thought
you might find interesting.

It was a memoir written
by a personal trainer

who discovered
that a former client of his

became one of
the 9/11 hijackers.

He was really shocked,
but there were a few lessons

he learned from
the whole experience.

Uh, and, uh...

John:
I mean, how did it,
how did it make you feel

when you found out
what they did?

John:
Oh.

♪ ♪

John:
The only thing you've been
that dedicated to,

your whole life,
is making films.

You even made a movie on 9/11,

uh, after you got
to go home early.

It was a superhero flick, uh,
about a man whose only power

was that he owned a ladder.

But it had nothing
to do with 9/11.

You used to make movies

just to...
[clears throat]

entertain
a few of your friends.

But now that
you have the show,

you end up at these
strange events by yourself.

♪ ♪

With all these people

who are valorized
for their commitment

to making TV shows.

And we're gonna wait
for that next Peloton ad.

-Mm. Can't wait.
-Just drop it. It'll be perfect.

-I'm doing the next one,
actually.
-Oh!

John:
You feel kinda lost
without anyone

telling you what to do there.

So, you just get in line
for something

because that's what
everyone else is doing.

♪ ♪

You never thought
about yourself

as a competitive person,

but being
in these environments

forces you
to compare yourself

to other people that you have
very little in common with,

and you begin to feel
really disconnected

from the reason you
originally made your movies.

And when you lose,

you try to tell yourself
you don't care,

but part of you
still feels like a failure.

On the way out,
you pass a demonstration

about a, a genocide

you didn't know about,

and then it turns out
that HBO

doesn't even have you
on their list

for their after-party.

Yes, I, unfortunately,
do not have you here.

-John: Okay. [laughs]
-Um...

John:
And at another event,

you were supposed to be
celebrating Elon Musk,

who was the
Person of the Year,

uh, that year.

He showed up
with his little baby

and gave a really
weird interview.

You know, even if you, um...

save 90% of the lives,

the 10% that you don't save
are gonna sue you.

-[scattered laughter]
-Interviewer: Right.

John:
You like to think that
you were just [clears throat]

watching all this stuff
from a distance

but maybe this is
just who you are now.

[people singing
"You Will Be Found"]

John:
You got so bored

that you went out onto
the balcony by yourself

to stare at the billboard
for your own show.

[singing continues]

John: You thought this
would be the moment

you waited for
your entire life.

But, for some reason,
you felt completely nothing.

[singing] ♪ So, let the sun
come streaming in ♪

♪ 'Cause you'll reach up
and rise again ♪

♪ Lift your head
and look around ♪

♪ You will be found ♪

John:
And as you walk back
to the subway

in Times Square afterwards,

you sort of wondered if

getting big ever
really made anyone happy.

-[hip-hop music blasting]
-[indistinct rapping]

♪ If you wanna move ♪

♪ I'll make you move ♪

John:
You gave a speech
to a bunch of undergrads

at your old university
recently.

I-It's, it's like
the little thing

that stays on all the time,

so that it remembers
what channel you were on,

when, when you turned it off.

But, if you put your finger
in it, it could k*ll you.

And afterwards,
you went to your old dorms

to try to get inside.

Did anyone ever tell you
you look like one of the kids

from, uh, that movie "Kids"?

-I don't think I've seen it.
-John: Oh, you haven't
seen "Kids"?

-No. No.
-John: Oh, you should.
It's really good.

I mean, it's kind of
a f*cked-up movie.

Student 1:
Hello.

John:
Hey, how's it going?

-Student 2: Hello.
-Student 3: Good.

John:
Thanks for... Hello.

Yeah, I used to live
in one of these, too.

-It still kind of smells
the same in here.
-[awkward laugh]

John:
Oh, you guys play DDR?

Student:
Yes. Well, one of our friends.

John:
I totally forgot about this.

And I used to play it
in my house growing up,

and I used to get
really sweaty on the weekends.

-[toy skateboard clatters]
-John: No.

I used to be able
to do a flip.

-Student 2: Okay.
-John: Like...

And that night,
you went to

a few of your favorite
old college bars

expecting a hero's return.

But, nobody there seemed
to care who you were.

I used to come
to this bar a lot...

-Are you actually from HBO?
-John: Yeah, yeah!

-No, you're not!
-John: No, you can google me.

-No, you're not from HBO.
-What's your name?
-John: I am.

No, he's not!

John:
And all the places you used
to go to parties at

didn't really seem
to want you around either.

-Hello?
-John: Hey. I...

-Hey, what's up?
-John: I just heard
there was a party here.

-You heard wrong. No party.
-[party chatter inside]

John:
'Cause I have a TV show.
Like, I...

[partygoer 1 speaking]

-John: Okay.
-[partygoer 2 speaking]

[melancholy music playing]

John:
You felt like an old ghost,
wandering around campus,

trying to recapture something

you no longer have access to.

-[partygoer 3 speaking]
-John: Nothing.

And maybe your ego
will never be

fully satisfied.

♪ ♪

The next morning,
on the way back,

you took some local roads,
and you stopped to get a shot

of a giant rotting pumpkin
in the back of a truck.

And while you're sitting there,

the, the owner saw you
looking at it.

-That's yours?
-I just might
just leave it in the truck

-and drive it around town.
-[truck idling]

John:
It turned out he was actually
a competitive pumpkin grower.

♪ ♪

And he offered to show you
his whole operation.

Wow.

So, every morning,
I, I put this little can here,

-and it knocks it over.
-John: Oh, really?

It's pushing out an inch,
at least, in 24 hours.

John:
He told you that pumpkins

were the fastest-growing
objects on planet Earth,

and that people try to push
them to the limits

to compete
for the biggest one.

Scott:
This is my little c*ck
for lunch.

Humic acid, silica blast,
essentials,

companion, and some seaweed.

John:
Is it possible for a human
to consume that?

-No.
-[dripping]

John:
Do you, like,
do you go to the gym?

No. No, this is my gym.

-John: Oh, really?
-Yeah.

Yeah... yeah.

♪ ♪

So, this is my little wall
of ribbons here.

But no first place.

-John: Wow.
"Poughkeepsie Journal."
-Scott: Yeah.

Kind of a car guy, too.

John:
This is like a pumpkin...

-car.
-Scott: Yeah.

John:
A giant pumpkin takes


And once it does,
you need to use a big crane

to get it out of your yard.

Scott:
We'll see. Uh,

it could be my personal best.

John:
Well, it's the biggest...
one of the biggest pumpkins

I've ever seen.
What do you do for fun?

Uh, for the summer,
I work with my dad.

Corbin Equipment.

But then, now
I'm just in school.

John:
Oh, okay, cool.
What do you like in school?

Uh, nothing. I hate it.
[laughs]

John:
Oh. You'll like
something eventually.

-Yeah, maybe.
-John: Yeah.

To transport it,
you need to put it on a flatbed

and drive extremely carefully
to avoid damaging the gourd.

Gets a little bounce
going to it.

I try to not let it
bounce too much, but...

John:
You ever see
that movie "Sorcerer"?

Scott:
No.

John:
Everyone brings their pumpkins
to a big field

and lines them up in a row,

and the whole town
comes out to look at them.

They had really
cool merchandise

and a rock-and-roll band
to keep everyone relaxed.

♪ ♪

All the growers were
committed to something

that was really hard,

but they were still surrounded
by their family and friends.

They were only celebrities
for one day a year...

-Steve! Steve! Steve!
-[laughs]

John:
...and there wasn't
a big ego in sight.

This is a very good hobby
for people who are chill.

-Uh, yeah. Okay.
-[laughter]

John:
Everyone's relationship
with pumpkins

was very uncomplicated.

What do you like
about pumpkins?

Uh... [nervous laugh]

Well, I think it's pretty cool
how big they are.

-Yeah.
-John: Wow.

And before you knew it,
it was time to weigh them off.

Emcee [on microphone]:
Counting down, two, one...



-326.5 pounds!
-[scattered cheering]

Emcee: 447!

There's always a surprise in
growing pumpkins and squash.

-1,102.5 pounds!
-[scattered cheering]

Yeah, I think that's great.




We have a new leader today.

-What do you think?
-Good.

Emcee:


John:
As it got down
to the last couple,

you realized
that your friends'

might be one of
the biggest ones.

So, what do, what do
we wanna get to this year?

We gotta beat 1,770.

Emcee:
Three, two, one.

♪ ♪

-[crowd cheering]
-1,805! 1,805.
What do you think?

Yeah! Yeah!

Emcee:
Another personal best,
year after year.

This is now, by a good amount,
the leader.

But we do have
one more pumpkin.

Now, are you
a little nervous at all?

No. No, I've been
through this before.

Emcee:
Three, two, one.

-[crowd cheering]
-1,904!

John:
He had come so close but

his pumpkin didn't weigh
as much as it needed to

to get the blue ribbon.

A loss of this magnitude
would have crushed you.

But, when you talk to him,

he seemed perfectly fine
with it.

I didn't expect it.
It was...

You know, I was hoping
to beat my personal best,

-but it did.
So, that's a good thing.
-John: Wow. Congrats.

Keep my record going.
Gotta get better

-every year, you know?
-John: Yeah.

♪ ♪

It seems like
the masculine urge to grow

had found a healthy home here.

And just when you thought
you had run out of things

to impress
the Television Academy with,

these people
had just given you
the perfect metaphor.

Not a single person
there had any idea.

You're about
to head back home,

but there's just
one more loose end
that you had to tie up.

Do you ever go to cat shows?

[mysterious music playing]

-No, I haven't.
-John: Okay.

Do you, do you ever travel
with a, a baby carriage?

Okay.

♪ ♪

-[meows]
-[soft music playing]

John:
So, if you do wanna get big,

just make sure you find
a healthy outlet for it.

That way, you won't get
carried away somewhere else.

And if you find yourself
in an unfamiliar place
along the way,

just make sure to look around
for reminders

of where you came from,

so you don't lose sight
of who you are.

Because working out
should feel natural.

And as long as you find
a way to do it

that you really enjoy,

it shouldn't matter
if you win or lose.

Which,
which makes you a winner.

-And that's all that matters.
-[video game sound effects]

This is John Wilson.

Thanks for watching.

["Preludietto" by
Alessandro Alessandroni playing]

[vocalizing]

♪ ♪