01x06 - N.A.H.S.O.N

[bunniefuu]

One of the teams, they weren't

interested at the very end.

I was thinkin', "You're stickin'

with that mother--"

Anything you ever heard me say,

I didn't mistakenly say it.

When I'm on stage, something

inside of me wakes up.

But when I'm off stage,

I'm Scott.

You know I'm a completely

different person

than you see on the floor.

CHELSEA HANDLER:

I'm not here to answer

serious questions.

I know a lot of men

watch this show,

and I'm looking

for some post-COVID action.

I'LL GO HIGHER THAN HIM BU

LOWER THAN YOU.

TURN AROUND, LET ME SEE YOUR

BOOTY, b*tch.

I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A UNCLE

THAT JUST GOT CLEANED UP OFF OF

DRUGS, BUT HE WANT TO LET Y'ALL

KNOW HE'S STILL CRAZY A LITTLE

BIT.

I THINK n*gga CULTURE AND

AFRICAN CULTURE ARE TWO

DIFFERENT CULTURES.

THEY'RE NOT THE FOUNDER OF

n*gg*s, THEY'RE NOT REAL n*gg*s.

I'M A REAL NOVEMBER 6TH

SCORPIO.

LIKE, A GIRL BROKE UP WITH ME, I

CALLED HER MOMMA, AND I WAS

LIKE, "WHAT YOU DOING'?

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HER RIGH

NOW?"

Sam: SHE ANSWERED?

SHE WANT TO HEAR IT.

THAT'S THE SIGNAL.

YOU PICK UP, YOU WANT TO HEAR

WHAT I GOT TO SAY, BABY GIRL.

PLEASE STOP PLAYING WITH ME.

YO, IF YOU'RE SICK, OBAMACARE

MEANS I GOT YOU.

Sam: OH EFE, I'LL THROW YOU

OUT THIS f*cking WINDOW.

DON'T COME IN HERE TRYING TO

DEFEND OBAMA.

Sam: I WILL BEAT YOU THE f*ck

UP.

BOO!

BOO, THIS n*gga.

I AIN'T NEVER PAYING THA

CALL sh*t.

I GAVE NO, I DIDN'T EVEN VOTE.

I DON'T GIVE A f*ck ABOUT NONE

OF THAT sh*t.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

"THIS IS JULIA WITH THE NEW

GEORGIA PROJECT ACTION FUND.

IT IS VITAL COUNTRIES TO --

PASS THE VOTE FOR ME"

ALL THIS cr*cker sh*t I'M LIKE

WHAT?

Sam: I VOTED FOR BIDEN THIS

YEAR, AND I FELT DISGUSTING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I FELT GROSS.

THE WHOLE PROCESS FELT f*cking

DISGUSTING TO ME.

FELT USED, BRO.

Sam: I FELT USED.

I HATE DEMOCRATS, I HATE THE

WHOLE PLATFORM.

I THOUGHT THAT HIS WHOLE, LIKE,

I DON'T KNOW, "n*gg*s WILL NEVER

BE FREE, SO VOTE FOR ME" PLAN OR

WHATEVER THE f*ck THAT WAS.

"IF YOU DON'T VOTE FOR ME

YOU'RE NOT BLACK."

LIKE.

Sam: YEAH, ALL THAT sh*t WAS

CORNY AND I, I ALSO HATE THAT,

LIKE, n*gg*s ARE ALWAYS VOTING

FOR THEIR LIVES.

I FEEL LIKE THE PUSH VOTING.

WHEW, I'M GETTING MAD.

Sam: YEAH, TAKE THAT OFF.

THEY PUSH THE VOTING sh*t ON

n*gg*s, RIGHT, AND THEN THEY

PUSH THE AGENDA OF HOW YOU HAVE

TO VOTE, RIGHT?

AND THEY LITERALLY SET IT UP

LIKE, "YO, IF YOU BLACK AND YOU

DON'T WANT TO BE DEAD, VOTE

DEMOCRAT."

SO WE'RE ALWAYS IN THIS WILD

SITUATION WHERE WE'RE NOT EVEN

USING THE f*cking PROCESS.

IT'S ALWAYS SURVIVAL MODE.

Sam: IT'S SURVIVAL MODE,

WE'RE NEVER EVEN PARTICIPATING

IN THE PROCESS.

IT'S OUR FAULT THOUGH.

Sam: I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S OUR

FAULT.

WE HAVE AN EXPECTATION THA

THE SYSTEM IS GONNA SAVE US.

NO WE DON'T.

WHAT?

Sam: IF YOU'RE STILL

PARTICIPATING IN IT, YOU DO

THOUGH.

IF YOU'RE PLAYING AND

PARTICIPATING IN IT, YES, I

AGREE.

BECAUSE, BECAUSE WE'RE IN

SURVIVAL MODE WHEN THE ELECTIONS

COME BECAUSE WE HAVE THIS

EXPECTATION THAT THE SYSTEM IS

GOING TO SAVE US.

WE DON'T SAVE OURSELVES AND WE

HAVE NO DEMANDS ON THE PEOPLE

WHO ARE IN ELECTED POSITIONS.

BUT HOW DO YOU DO IT WHEN

YOU'RE PUSHING UPHILL THE WAY

THAT BLACK PEOPLE GOT TO PUSH

UPHILL?

Sam: WE GOT TO STOP PUSHING

IN THE DIRECTION THEY WANT.

PUSH SIDEWAYS, PUSH AROUND THA

m*therf*cker.

WE ALWAYS PUSHING

INDIVIDUALLY, NEVER AS A GROUP.

Sam: YES, AND AS A PERSON

WHO'S LIKE GETTING MONEY NOW AND

LIKE, SEEING MY sh*t COME

TOGETHER.

I'M STILL ALSO SEEING WHAT ALL

MY LIMITATIONS ARE, RIGHT?

THE MORE YOU GET UP THERE, THE

MORE YOU'RE SEEING HOW WHITE

PEOPLE GET TO MOVE, EVEN UP

HERE.

I'M TRYING TO BE LIKE BILL

GATES, n*gga, AND JACKIE CHAN,

AND SAUDI PRINCES.

THEY DON'T GIVE A f*ck ABOU

NOTHING.

THEY DON'T GIVE A f*ck ABOU

HEALTHCARE, THEY DON'T THINK

ABOUT HEALTHCARE UNLESS THEY OWN

THE HEALTHCARE COMPANY.

EVEN WITH LUPUS, YOU FEEL

LIKE, YOU HAVE YOUR OWN f*cking

TV SHOW, YOU WORK YOUR a*s OFF,

ALL OF THAT sh*t AND THERE'S

STILL ROADBLOCKS.

Sam: BECAUSE IF I GET REALLY,

REALLY HELLA SICK, I'M NOT RICH

ENOUGH TO TAKE CARE OF IT.

SO I'M GONNA BE SICK AS f*ck IN

ATLANTA AND I'M ALMOST f*cking

WAS DYING, BRO.

THE FIRST THING THEY TELL ME

WHEN I'M LIKE, "I NEED

HEALTHCARE," IS THEY'RE LIKE,

"YO, DO YOU GET FOOD STAMPS?"

I'M LIKE, NO, I DON'T f*cking

GET FOOD STAMPS.

I CAN GET FOOD, WHAT THE f*ck

DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

NEEDING HEALTHCARE?

IT'S LIKE WHAT f*cking KIND OF

GAME ARE WE PLAYING?

THEN IT'S LIKE, "CAN YOU READ?"

AND IT'S LIKE b*tch, IF THE

CRITERIA TO GET THIS sh*t IS ME

NOT KNOWING HOW TO READ, THEN

f*cking k*ll ME.

I DON'T WANT THAT sh*t.

SO THERE'S WHITE PEOPLE LIVING

ABOVE ALL THIS.

THEY'RE LIVING ABOVE POLITICS,

THEY'RE LIVING ABOVE ALL THE

SYSTEMS, THEY DON'T GIVE A f*ck

WHO THE PRESIDENT IS, THEY DON'

GIVE A f*ck WHO'S ELECTED, THEIR

WHOLE LIVES AREN'T CHANGED WITH

THE STROKE OF A PEN.

THEIR LIVES AREN'T CHANGED BY

WHO'S IN OFFICE.

OR DEPENDENT ON IT.

Sam: AND I'M TRYING TO BE ON

THAT sh*t BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE

THE f*cking FREEDOM IS.

IT'S LIVING ABOVE THIS WHOLE

sh*t.

BECAUSE EVEN THIS POLITICS SHI

IS A GAME THAT THEY'RE GIVING TO

BROKE n*gg*s AND THEY'RE

WATCHING YOU PLAY.

WATCHING YOU PLAY.

Sam: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE I DON'T WANT OBAMACARE

n*gga, I WANT CHENEY CARE.

THAT n*gga HAD SIX HEARTS.

HE WAS GETTING THE GREATES

HEARTS.

Sam: THE BEST HEART YOU COULD

GET.

I WANT THAT ONE RIGHT THERE.

Sam: I WANT THOSE b*tches ALL

DAY.

Sam: THANK YOU FOR BEING

HERE, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU

COMING.

YOU DROVE IN FROM THE HAMPTONS?

YEAH.

Sam: WAS IT BAD?

WAS IT TERRIBLE?

NO, NO IT WAS OKAY.

Sam: YOU LIVE IN THE

HAMPTONS?

YEAH.

Sam: SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU

BEEN PRACTICING MEDICINE IN THE

CONCIERGE OR LIKE IN THAT WORLD?

SURE, IN THAT WORLD.

ABOUT 10 YEARS OR SO.

Sam: DID YOU START THERE?

NO, NO.

I STARTED THINKING THAT I WAS

GOING TO BE A PHYSICIAN FOR ANY

CORPORATE MEDICINE LIKE HOSPITAL

OR PRIVATE PRACTICE.

I TRIED IT FOR A GOOD THREE,

FOUR YEARS AND IT JUST DIDN'T GO

WELL.

SO I REALIZED THAT I CAN BE

DOING THIS JUST TO PAY OFF DEB

OR ACTUALLY PRACTICE MEDICINE

THE WAY I WANT TO.

WHERE THERE ISN'T THE INSURANCE

COMPONENT TELLING ME WHAT I CAN

ORDER AND NOT ORDER.

THERE ISN'T A 9:00 TO 5:00 JOB

WHERE A PHYSICIAN CAN'T REALLY

BE DOING, LIKE, YOU KNOW

MONITORING PATIENTS THE WAY THEY

WANT TO.

SO, EVENTUALLY I JUST REALIZED,

IF I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE

IN ANYONE'S LIVES, UNFORTUNATELY

IN TODAY'S WORLD, IT'S THE

CONCIERGE WAY.

Sam: ONCE YOU SAID IT, IT WAS

LIKE, DUH.

RIGHT?

IT'S ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS, BUT I

WOULD NEVER THINK ABOUT BEING A

CONCIERGE DOCTOR AS FREEDOM.

PEOPLE THINK OF STUFF LIKE, "OH,

A CONCIERGE DOCTOR," YOUR

IMMEDIATE THOUGHT WOULD BE "OH,

SHE'S JUST CHASING MONEY."

MONEY, RIGHT.

Sam: YEAH, FOR SURE, SHE JUS

WANTS MONEY AND IT'S LIKE A

LITTLE SOULLESS.

DOCTORS ARE HEALERS AND THEY

SPEND A LOT OF TIME, ENERGY, AND

SACRIFICE FAMILY TIME TO PROVIDE

MEDICAL CARE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT WE LIVE FOR.

WE'RE NOT BUSINESS PEOPLE.

SO I THINK THE PANDEMIC HAS

BROUGHT A LOT OF ATTENTION TO

MEDICINE BEING BROUGHT TO THE

HOUSE, AND IF THAT MEDICINE

WHICH NOW IS CONCIERGE, CAN BE

PRACTICED AT A MORE EXPONENTIAL

LEVEL AND MORE AND MORE DOCTORS

ARE ABLE TO DO THAT, PRACTICE

MEDICINE AS IT USED TO BE, WE

CAN ALL IMPROVE WITH THAT.

Sam: BUT HOW DOES STUFF LIKE

THAT FEEL WHEN YOU KNOW THA

THERE'S PEOPLE LIKE THAT WAITING

AND HAVE TO WAIT DAYS IN LINES

AND DON'T HAVE THE MONEY, AND

DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE POSITIVE

IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRICKING

PANDEMIC AND DON'T HAVE ACCESS,

AND YOU'RE JUST, LIKE, WALKING

IN SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND IT'S EASY

AND YOU KNOW IT COULD BE EASY.

HOW DO YOU, LIKE, MAKE

THAT ALL WORK IN YOUR HEAD?

YES, RIGHT, CORRECT.

JUST AS A PERSON IN LINE,

OUTSIDE A URGENT CARE FOR TWO

HOURS, NEED TO BE TESTED, THERE

ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE AT A

DIFFERENT LEVEL NEED TO BE

TESTED AND THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

MEDICAL HELP.

THERE'S A NEED IN ALL FINANCIAL,

SITUATIONS, OKAY.

SO ONE IS TO SAY, SHOULD I NO

TEST THAT PERSON BECAUSE THEY

ARE IN A MANSION LIVING IN THE

HAMPTONS, OR SHOULD WE NOT TES

THIS PERSON BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN

WAITING IN LINE FOR 3 HOURS?

REALLY, IT JUST STARTS IN YOUR

OWN COMMUNITY LEVEL.

I JUST HAPPEN TO BE AS I SAID IN

AN AFFLUENT AREA.

Sam: I GUESS WHAT I'M CURIOUS

ABOUT, AND I JUST WANT TO KNOW

WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

I DO GET THIS IDEA OF LIKE,

SERVICE YOUR COMMUNITY AND THE

HAMPTONS HAPPENS TO BE THE

COMMUNITY.

I'M IN.

Sam: BUT IT'S NOT THE

COMMUNITY YOU'RE FROM.

CORRECT.

Sam: DO YOU FEEL ANY

OBLIGATION TO THE COMMUNITY

YOU'RE FROM?

I WAS BORN IN PAKISTAN, I

HAVEN'T BEEN THERE FOR 25 PLUS

YEARS AND NOW I AM THINKING THA

WITH WHAT'S HAPPENING IN INDIA

AND OTHER COUNTRIES, BUT I NEVER

WENT BACK HOME, I NEVER WEN

BACK TO PAKISTAN.

THAT WAS A LUXURY I HAD THAT I

NEVER -- THAT I TOOK FOR GRANTED

AND NEVER ACTED ON AND IT IS

ARISING THAT QUESTION WITHIN ME

TODAY.

THAT I DO NEED TO HEAD BACK TO

THAT OR AT A LEVEL OF THE

MEDICAID POPULATION THAT I ONCE

WAS AND BRING MEDICAL CARE TO

THAT.

SO YES, I THINK INTERNALLY,

THERE IS THAT AWAKENING.

Sam: THERE'S SO MANY OF US,

RIGHT?

THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE, AND

THERE'S SO MANY NEEDS AND THERE

IS A PART OF ME THAT'S LIKE,

WELL, HOW DO YOU SERVICE

EVERYBODY?

LIKE, SOMETHING THAT POPS IN MY

MIND IS MY MOM ALSO HAD LUPUS,

AND SHE PASSED AWAY FROM LUPUS,

AND HER LUPUS WAS PULMONARY LIKE

MINE IS.

AND SO, AT SOME POINT SHE HAD TO

GO ON A TRANSPLANT LIST, RIGHT,

AND WAIT FOR A LUNG, WHICH SEEMS

SO f*cking RIDICULOUS RIGHT, AND

THERE'S FOR SURE PEOPLE THA

DON'T WAIT FOR ORGANS.

I KNOW THEY EXIST, I KNOW

THEY'RE LIKE, "I NEED A HEART,"

NEW f*cking HEART, I'M NOT GONNA

BE WAITING AROUND FOR THIS sh*t.

IS THERE -- AND I WONDER LIKE

HOW DO YOU MAKE THINGS LIKE

THAT, FAIR, RIGHT?

HOW DO YOU PRIORITIZE PEOPLE AND

THEIR LIVES?

WELL, WE'RE PRIORITIZING

PEOPLE NOW, FOR COVID.

BASED ON WHO'S SEVERELY ILL.

YOU MENTIONED TRANSPLANT, THEY

HAVE THEIR OWN ALGORITHM THA

THEY HAVE TO FOLLOW.

I'M NOT SURE IF YOU COULD WORK

YOUR CONCIERGE MAGIC AND GET A

HEART.

I MEAN, I KIND OF -- I DON'

KNOW IF THAT'S A POSSIBILITY.

Sam: SO RIGHT NOW, IF I

WANTED TO BUY A LUNG, YOU

COULDN'T TELL ME WHERE TO GO?

NO, UNLESS YOU WANTED TO DO

BLACK MARKET AND GO TO A

DIFFERENT COUNTRY.

Sam: SO YOU COULD TELL ME

WHERE TO GO.

HOW MUCH?

HOW MUCH A GOOD LUNG COST?

I WOULDN'T KNOW, I'M NO

SELLING.

Sam: MM-HMM.

I THINK YOU KNOW.

WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO

BLAME OURSELVES, WE NEVER BLAME

THE DOCTOR THAT ONLY

PARTICIPATES IN RICH n*gga sh*t.

WE NEVER BLAME THE DOCTOR THA

ONLY WANTS TO TEND TO THE BILL

GATES' OR THE PHARMACEUTICAL

COMPANIES.

BUT IT'S ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

Sam: BUT HOW DO YOU BLAME

THEM?

THEY'RE JUST f*cking SURVIVING

IN AMERICA.

THEY'RE ALL IN THE SAME

SYSTEM.

THEY'RE RICH!

HOW ARE THEY SURVIVING?

THEY'RE LIVING IN THE HAMPTONS,

GETTING THEIR DICKS SUCKED.

HEALING WHOEVER THEY f*cking.

Sam: THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

DO THAT?

YEAH, THAT SOUNDS AMAZING.

Sam: THEY'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO

DO THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I JUST FEEL LIKE IF YOU'RE

GONNA BE IN THAT POSITION --

Sam: WHAT POSITION IS IT?

THE POSITION OF HELPING

PEOPLE.

Sam: I THINK THE PROBLEM IS

WE ROMANTICIZE POSITIONS IN THIS

COUNTRY.

WE ROMANTICIZE THE PRESIDENT, WE

GO, "OH THIS IS AN HONOR, THIS

IS A CALL OF DUTY."

IT'S NOT A CALL OF DUTY, IT'S A

f*cking JOB.

SOME n*gg*s TAKE A JOB AND THEY

WANT TO BE f*cking

PHILANTHROPIST, RIGHT?

SOME TEACHERS GET A JOB AND

THEY'RE LIKE I WANT TO GO TO THE

WORST COMMUNITY I KNOW.

SOME TEACHERS GO, I WANT A

PRIVATE SCHOOL FULL OF SMAR

KIDS THAT ARE JUST GONNA LET ME

DO WHAT I WANT AND I THINK

DOCTORS ARE THE SAME.

SOME DOCTORS WANT TO BE WILD AS

f*ck IN A CITY HOSPITAL.

AND SOME DOCTORS ARE LIKE I WAN

TO GO WHERE THERE'S f*cking ALL

THE EQUIPMENT I NEED, WHERE THE

CLIENTS ARE EASY, WHERE THEY'RE

NOT, LIKE RIDDEN WITH DIABETES

'CAUSE THEY EAT WELL, AND I WAN

TO GET MY DOCTOR ON.

'CAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, NAH BRO!

I CAN'T GET BUSY AS A DOCTOR

WITH ALL THIS IN MY WAY.

ALL THESE OTHER DISTRACTIONS.

Sam: SO LET ME GO OVER HERE

AND DO THE sh*t THIS WAY.

BUT IS IT OKAY TO STILL THINK

OF THOSE PEOPLE ON THE OUTSIDE

LOOKING IN AS VILE?

Sam: NO, UNLESS YOU'RE JUS

LIKE A n*gga THAT DOESN'T LIKE

WINNERS, I GUESS.

Sam: AT THE END OF THE DAY,

YOU CAN'T KEEP OFFERING n*gg*s

OTHER MECHANISMS OF OPPRESSION.

THAT'S A FACT.

Sam: THAT'S NOT f*cking

FREEDOM AND n*gg*s AREN'T EVEN

TAPPING INTO FREEDOM.

FREEDOM IS THE ABILITY NOT TO

GIVE A f*ck ABOUT YOU BECAUSE I

KNOW YOU'RE GETTING A QUALITY

LIFE.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO WHERE I'M

GOING AND GO, "WHAT AM I GONNA

DO FOR n*gg*s?"

I GET TO JUST GO WHERE I'M GOING

AND DO WHAT I WANT.

I WANT THAT LEVEL OF NOT HAVING

TO GIVE A f*ck.

WE GOT TO DESTROY CAPITALISM,

WE GOT TO DO --

Sam: SHE LIKES CAPITALISM,

YOU KNOW, I'M AMERICAN, I LIKE

MONEY, I LIKE OPTIONS, AND I

DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT MY

MONEY CAN DO.

BUT, THERE'S THIS OTHER STRONG

PART OF ME THAT GOES, THERE'S

THINGS THAT WE'VE MADE PRIVATE

THAT THUS GIVE PEOPLE A BETTER

LIFE FROM THE JUMP.

AND ONE OF THOSE THINGS IS

HEALTHCARE, ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE

THINGS TO ME IS EDUCATION.

AND IF YOU MAKE HEALTHCARE

PRIVATE AND YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO

PAY FOR A BETTER VERSION, THEN

YOU ARE QUANTIFYING SOMEONE'S

LIFE.

YOU ARE SAYING, "YOUR LIFE IS

MORE VALUABLE THAN YOUR LIFE."

YOU CANNOT BUY LIFE.

YOU CAN BUY MEDICAL CARE, BU

YOU CANNOT BUY LIFE.

WHEN PAIN AND SUFFERING IS

HITTING PEOPLE, IT'S HITTING

ACROSS ALL BORDERS OF RACE,

RELIGION, AND FINANCE.

AND JUST BECAUSE ONE CAN BUY

THEMSELVES OUT OF IT, DOESN'

MEAN THAT THEIR PAIN AND

SUFFERING IS LESS.

THEY'RE STILL GETTING THROUGH

THAT HURDLE OF RECOVERY.

Sam: WHICH I 100% BELIEVE, I

DON'T THINK THAT'S WHERE I'M

GOING.

I DON'T THINK ONE IS SUFFERING

LESS OR THAT THEIR PAIN ISN'T AS

VALUABLE.

I THINK WHEN IT'S PRIVATE AND

SOMEONE CAN BUY THEIR WAY OUT,

IT'LL ALWAYS BE SHITTY FOR

SOMEONE ELSE.

I THINK YOU'RE THINKING OF A

ABSOLUTE VALUE WORLD THA

DOESN'T EXIST.

Sam: I AM.

I ABSOLUTELY AM.

THAT'S FAIR.

YEAH, I THINK THAT'S

DEFINITELY A HYPOTHETICAL NOT A

ACTUAL REALITY.

Sam: BUT IN YOUR HEART, DOES

THAT FEEL CORRECT?

SO LET'S BREAK IT DOWN.

WE ARE SITTING ON A NICE SOFA

RIGHT NOW AND SOMEONE MAY NO

HAVE A SOFA TO SIT ON.

ARE WE TO SAY THAT I SHOULDN'

HAVE THIS LEATHER SOFA ON THE

SET, LET ME JUST SIT ON THE

GROUND LIKE HALF OF THE OTHER

WORLD SITS?

Sam: BUT A LEATHER SOFA ISN'

HEALTHCARE.

STRAIGHT UP, DO Y'ALL

REMEMBER THERE WAS A PERIOD OF

TIME WHERE IT WAS BEING SAID,

AND THIS WAS FAKE NEWS, BUT THA

WHITE PEOPLE WERE THE ONLY

PEOPLE GETTING COVID.

THERE WAS A SECOND.

Sam: I BELIEVED THAT.

I DID TOO AND I WAS EXCITED

ABOUT THAT sh*t.

Sam: AND I WAS LIKE, "OH,

FINALLY GOD BLESSING US."

THERE'S ALWAYS THIS LEVEL OF

TRUTH TO THESE CONSPIRACY

THEORIES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GREW UP BELIEVING MILK DOES

THE BODY GOOD LIKE IT WAS A

f*cking MEDICAL FACT.

WE FOUND OUT THAT WAS JUST THE

MILK f*cking INDUSTRY RUNNING A

CAMPAIGN AND ACTING LIKE IT WAS

DOCTORS THAT WERE SAYING THIS

sh*t AND IT'S ALWAYS SOME SHI

LIKE THAT IN AMERICA.

THEY LITERALLY TOLD US ALIENS

DID NOT EXIST AND EVERY n*gga

THAT SAW A UFO WAS A PSYCHO.

NOW THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "YEAH,

THEY REAL, AND WE DON'T KNOW

n*gga.

GOODNIGHT."

IT'S LIKE ,YO, CAN I FAULT THESE

n*gg*s FOR BELIEVING THIS sh*t?

IT'S LIKE.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE THERE ARE

BABY LEGS HOLDING UP WAYFAIR

TABLES.

THE GOVERNMENT IS CONSTANTLY

LYING.

PEOPLE DON'T GET THIS sh*t FROM

NOWHERE.

YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER

YOU WANT TO DIE ON THAT HILL AND

BE LOOKING CRAZY AND MAYBE

YOU'RE ONE OF THE RIGHT ONES.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE

THERE ARE OTHER SPECIES OTHER

PLACES?

WE GOT GIRAFFES AND DOGS AND --

Sam: BECAUSE WE AIN'T SEEM

THEM n*gg*s.

BUT WE HAVE SEEN THEM n*gg*s.

Sam: NO WE HAVEN'T, WE'VE

SEEN FAKE DEPICTIONS OF THE

n*gg*s.

YOU MET AN ALIEN?

I SEEN THEM IN THE MOVIES.

Sam: THAT'S NOT THEM.

NO, NO, NO BUT THIS IS WHA

Y'ALL NEED TO KNOW.

THE MOVIE -- THE CIA AND FBI

WORK WITH THE MOVIE INDUSTRY.

THEY WORK WITH DISNEY.

THEY GAVE THEM ALL THESE IDEAS

OF ALIENS.

THEY DIDN'T JUST COME UP WITH

THIS sh*t BY THEMSELVES.

THE FBI AND THE CIA WORK WITH

DISNEY AND THEY GIVE THEM ALL

THIS INFORMATION BECAUSE THEY

ARE -- THEY HAVE TO TELL US THE

TRUTH.

THEY PUT IT OUT THERE ALL THA

TIME WARP AND sh*t, THAT sh*t IS

REAL.

THEY PUT IT IN MOVIES.

Sam: n*gga, WHAT YOUTUBE

VIDEOS ARE YOU WATCHING?

HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THA

THEY'VE BEEN LYING ABOUT ALIENS

FOR SO LONG BUT THEY'VE BEEN IN

MOVIES?

THE UFOS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

Sam: THOSE WEREN'T ALIENS,

THIS IS sh*t WE MADE UP.

BUT NO, THEY WASN'T WHAT THEY

MADE UP, IT WAS sh*t THAT WAS

REAL.

Sam: WASN'T NO REAL ALIENS IN

THE MOVIE.

IT WAS A n*gga IN A COSTUME.

UFOS ARE REAL.

JUST LIKE YOU SAID.

THEY GOT THAT, WHAT'S THAT, AREA

57?

AREA 57 IS A REAL PLACE.

Sam: AREA 51.

51, WHERE REAL ALIENS --

RUNAWAY TRAIN ALL ACROSS THE

NATION.

MISINFORMATION STATION.

SUP BUDDY, ROUGH DAY?

KIND OF.

WELL TRUST ME, YOUR DAYS ARE

ABOUT TO GET ROUGHER.

WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

ONE DAY, WORKING AT YOUR

MINIMUM WAGE JOB AT A

DISTRIBUTION CENTER, YOU'LL FALL

OFF A LIFT AND INTO AN AQUARIUM

CAUSING A SWORDFISH TO PIERCE

YOUR THIGH.

OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, I HAVE INSURANCE RIGHT?

UNFORTUNATELY, THIS ACCIDEN

ISN'T COVERED BY INSURANCE

BECAUSE YOUR HOURS WERE CUT.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD COBRA AND YOU

CAN'T TAKE OUT THE SECOND

MORTGAGE ON YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE

BECAUSE IT ISN'T WORTH sh*t.

I KNEW IT.

EVEN MORE DEVASTATING,

WITHOUT MONEY OR A WORKING LEG.

YOU CAN'T GET p*ssy, AND THE

ONLY PEOPLE WHO WILL HANG OU

WITH YOU ARE OTHER MEN WHO CAN'

GET p*ssy.

AND NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY,

YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO f*ck THA

HOLE IN YOUR LEG.

WAIT, I TRY TO f*ck THE HOLE

IN MY LEG?

THAT SOUNDS LIKE ME.

OH, GOD.

AND EVEN WORSE, YOUR NEW

BUDDIES AT WORK WILL TELL YOU

THE REAL REASON YOU'RE LOSING

HOURS IS BECAUSE THE COMPANY IS

SECRETLY OFFLOADING SHIFTS TO

PRISON LABOR AND THAT'S WHY

THESE n*gg*r*s AREN'T SCARED OF

JAIL.

BECAUSE THEY KNOW, IF THEY GE

CAUGHT SELLING DRUGS, THEY'LL

STILL TAKE AWAY JOBS FROM THE

WHITES.

BUT I DON'T EVEN HATE BLACK

PEOPLE.

YOU WILL, BECAUSE YOU'RE A

PROUD BOY NOW AND YOU AND YOUR

FRIENDS HATCH A PLAN TO KIDNAP

KAMALA HARRIS' TWIN NIECES.

AND DOES THAT WORK OUT FOR

ME?

NO.

YOU f*ck UP AND KIDNAP CHLOE AND

HALLE INSTEAD.

OH, THE GOVERNMENT LIES TO

THE POPULATION.

MISINFORMATION STATION.

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO GET TO

81ST STREET?

I SURE DON'T.

BUT I KNOW HOW YOU END UP

BECOMING A n*gga WHO THINKS THE

GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO

MICROCHIP YA.

WHAT?

WELL, AFTER COMING OUT AT A

YOUNG AGE TO YOUR VERY

SUPPORTIVE PARENTS, YOU'LL MARRY

YOUR WHITE COLLEGE SWEETHEART.

YOU'LL POST PICTURES OF YOU TWO

WEARING COMFY SWEATERS IN THE

WOODS WITH CAPTIONS LIKE, "THESE

TREES DON'T NOTICE RACE, SO WHY

DO WE?"

AW, THAT'S CUTE.

YOUR HUSBAND WILL BE THE

BREADWINNER, AND YOU'LL STAY A

HOME AND BE THE DOG DADDY, BU

THAT GETS BORING FAST.

AND THEN COMES COVID-35,

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE DIRTY

IRISH POTATO FLU.

FIRST, THEY'LL SAY THAT BLACK

PEOPLE CAN'T GET IT, BUT THEN

VAN JONES WILL COUGH UP BLOOD ON

CAMERA AND IT'S SO SCARY, BLACK

PEOPLE START ROOTING FOR VAN

JONES.

THE GOVERNMENT LIED?

DUH, n*gga, AND THAT SENDS

YOU DOWN A RABBIT HOLE OF

YOUTUBE VIDEOS, EXPLAINING ALL

OF THE GOVERNMENT'S TRICKERY.

LIKE TUSKEGEE EXPERIMENTS,

HENRIETTA LACKS, AND THE CRACK

EPIDEMIC.

REALIZING YOU CAN NO LONGER

TRUST THE GOVERNMENT OR THE

WHITE MAN LAYING IN YOUR OWN

BED, YOU'LL DECLARE YOURSELF A

POTATO FLU ANTI-VAXER AND THROW

HASH BROWNS AT INNOCENT FAMILIES

JUST TRYING TO GET VACCINATED

AND RETURN TO THEIR NORMAL

LIVES.

OH, THE RIGHT AND THE LEF

CAN'T SOLVE FRUSTRATION.

MISINFORMATION STATION.

WHEN IS THE TRAIN COMING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT I DO KNOW

WHEN YOU START BELIEVING THA

THE LADY THAT k*lled SELENA IS

SECRETLY RUNNING JOE BIDEN'S

CABINET.

QUE?

WELL, AFTER ESCAPING

COMMUNISM, YOU CAME TO AMERICA

DESPERATE TO PROVE YOURSELF TO

BE AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN.

YOU VOTED FOR REAGAN AND YOU

ROOTED AGAINST ELIAN GONZALES.

WELL.

YOU CAN'T JUST FLOAT HERE.

EVERY SUNDAY, YOUR PRIES

TELLS YOU THE HORRORS OF LATE

TERM ab*rtion AND g*y SEX IN THE

PARK.

AY, DIOS MIO.

YOUR VERY AMERICAN KIDS, NO

LONGER BELIEVE IN CAPITALISM OR

BABY JESUS.

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED AND NOW

WITH NOWHERE TO PUT THOSE

FEELINGS AND ALL THAT ARROZ CON

POLLO, YOU'LL GO TO FACEBOOK AND

SEE A PICTURE OF TREVOR NOAH

WITH GHISLAINE MAXWELL.

THAT'S RIGHT, SHE'S STILL ALIVE,

AND NOW SHE'S SELLING BROWN

GIRLS.

YOU'LL TRY TO TELL YOUR FAMILY

ABOUT THE SECRET SEX RING BU

THEY'LL CALL YOU LOCO.

THEN THEY'LL STOP ANSWERING YOUR

CALLS.

YOU'LL START SOMETHING CALLED

CUBANON WHICH IS JUST QANON FOR

CUBANS.

YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT THE GHOS

OF FIDEL CASTRO IS INFLUENCING

NATIONAL ELECTIONS BY SENDING

CANDIDATES BABY FINGERS ROLLED

IN CIGARS AND WITHOUT ANYONE TO

TALK TO, YOU'LL SIT ALONE IN

YOUR ONE BEDROOM APARTMEN

WEEPING AND PRAYING HAIL MARYS

FOR A HUMIDOR WITH A FINGERLESS

CHAIRBONE.

WE CAN'T TRUST THE

ADMINISTRATION.

WE ALL KNOW WHO DID THA

ASSASSINATION.

5G TOWERS AND THE RADIATION.

LAURYN HILL SAID IT'S

MISEDUCATION.

IT'S THE END OF OUR

SYNCHRONIZATION.

MISINFORMATION STATION.

OH, f*ck THIS.

Sam: CREATING NEW CURRENCY,

AND EVEN I FEEL LIKE WHEN WE DID

THAT sh*t, IT'S LATE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.

THEY'RE GOING TO SPACE, THEY'RE

TRYING TO ESTABLISH LIFE ON

OTHER PLANETS.

WE NEED TO BE ON WHAT'S NEXT.

BECAUSE THAT'S GONNA BE A NEW

SOCIETY.

SO WE DON'T NEED A MARS

HARRIET TUBMAN n*gga, WHAT THE

f*ck IS THAT.

Sam: I DON'T WANT n*gg*s

ENSLAVED ON MARS.

LIKE WHAT DO WE NEED TO GE

THERE?

Sam: MONEY.

SO HOW DO WE GET TO THE MONEY

TO GO TO MARS?

Sam: INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF

n*gg*s INVESTING IN A BASKETBALL

TEAM, GET YOU A TEAM OF n*gg*s

AND SEND THEM TO MARS.

AND SETTING UP SHOP FOR SURE.

SO WHAT IS THE ROUND TRIP?

IS IT LIKE ALL-INCLUSIVE, IS I

NOT INCLUSIVE?

Sam: MARS IS COMPLETELY

UNESTABLISHED TERRITORY.

THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF MARS,

NEEDS TO HAVE A BLACK PERSON.

Sam: THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF

MARS NEED TO HAVE A n*gga.

WE NEED A MOUNT RUSHMORE AND

THERE'S A n*gga ON THERE.

WE NEED A DR.

UMAR.

Sam: WE NEED SOMEONE WHO IS

SO AGAINST THIS.

NO PROXIMITY TO WHITENESS.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING ABOU

UMARS.

Sam: EARTH HAS ALREADY BEEN

SCORCHED, BUT BILLIONAIRES ARE

PLANNING THEIR ESCAPE TO OUTER

SPACE AND I WANT TO GET IN ON

THE GROUND FLOOR.

SPACE IS THE NEXT FRONTIER AND

SINCE WE DIDN'T HAVE A BLACK

PERSON IN THE ROOM WITH THE

FOUNDING FATHERS, THIS sh*t WAS

NEVER FOR US AND IT CAN'T BE.

SO IF I'M GONNA BE REPRESENTED

IN THIS SPACE NATION, I NEED

SOMEBODY I CAN TRUST TO FIGH

FOR MY VALUES.

EVEN IF THEY SOUND INSANE AND NO

ONE FIGHTS FOR INSANE VALUES

HARDER THAN HOTEPS.

AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T ALIGN WITH

THEIR h*m* AND GIAN

ANKHS, IT'S BETTER THAN WHA

WHITE PEOPLE BEEN PUSHING.

SO I TOOK OPEN SUBMISSIONS FROM

HOTEPS WHO THINK THEY'RE UP FOR

THE JOB.

I'M OMARI SOLOMAN, I'M 27 IN

THE WHITE MAN YEARS, BUT I'M

INFINITE IN BLESSINGS.

AND WHEN I GET TO SPACE, I'D

LIKE TO INTRODUCE A POLICY THA

RECENTERS THE BLACK MAN AS THE

HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD.

EVEN IF HE DOES NOT LIVE IN THA

HOUSEHOLD.

I AM NESQUIKIFONT JONES.

I'M BOTH A SPIRITUAL HEALER AND

MY COSMIC MELANIN IS SOLAR

POWERED.

SO OVERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY, I AM

THE BEST HOTEP BECAUSE I HAVE A

STRICTLY ALKALINE DIET AND I CAN

ALREADY LOW-KEY FLOAT.

WATCH THIS.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

MY NAME CHRIS, AND I JUST GO

FIRED FROM HOME DEPOT, SO I'M

HONESTLY JUST LOOKING FOR A JOB.

ALSO, I'M TRYING TO GET OFF

EARTH BEFORE THEY MAKE EVERYBODY

ALL g*y AND sh*t.

WHAT Y'ALL GOT ALL THESE CAMERAS

FOR ANYWAY?

Sam: ONE OF YOU WILL BE THE

FIRST HOTEP IN SPACE.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

THINKING, WHY ME?

WELL, I CHOSE YOU THREE BECAUSE

YOU'RE UGLY, SO I KNOW YOU WON'

PUT VANITY FIRST.

NOW, YOU GUYS WILL BE COMPETING

FOR THE ILLUSTRIOUS HONOR OF

REPRESENTING ME.

YOUR MISSION WILL BE TO SPREAD

MY VISION OF A MELINATED

GALAXY AND STOP THE SPREAD OF

WHITE SUPREMACY THROUGHOUT THE

UNIVERSE.

WE CAN'T JUST STAND BY AND LE

THESE NERDS DICTATE LIFE IN THE

COSMOS WHEN A BUNCH OF REAL

n*gg*s GOT STUFF TO SAY.

THE CHALLENGES THAT LAY AHEAD

WILL PUT YOU TO THE TES

MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY,

ASTROLOGICALLY, SO IF YOU'RE A

SCORPIO I SUGGEST YOU GET THA

sh*t IN LINE.

THERE'S ALSO NO BLACK SOAP IN

SPACE, SO sh*t'S GONNA GET REAL.

NOW, LET'S ALL SALUTE THIS IMAGE

OF YASIIN BEY AND GET TO WORK.

COME ON DOO DOO BREATH, COME ON

ANKLES, GET IN THERE!

HURRY UP!

ARE THERE BLACK PEOPLE WE

NEED TO LEAVE BEHIND?

KANYE.

I DON'T LIKE FOREST WHITAKER.

Sam: TWIST UP.

expl*si*n MAN, GET RIGHT.

WHAT YOU GONNA DO?

ALIENS HAVE INVADED.

GET IT TOGETHER.

SOMEBODY'S SICK HERE.

EW, LOOKS LIKE HE WAS EATING

PIGS FEET OR SOMETHING.

I THINK COMMANDER SAM IS THE

PERFECT PERSON FOR THIS JOB.

EVERYTHING THAT HE TAUGHT US

TODAY WAS EXACTLY WHERE MY MIND

WAS ALREADY IN.

I'M JUST PROUD TO BE A PART OF

THE HOTEP FEDERATION.

DO YOU THINK SHE IS A GOOD

LEADER?

THERE'S t*tties UNDER THA

JUMPER?

NO, NO, NO, AIN'T NO t*tties

UNDER THAT JUMPER.

THAT'S A n*gga, BRO.

Sam: YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO

REPRESENT ME.

SAM, FUTURE BUTCH BILLIONAIRE

AND N.A.H.S.O.N.

THE NATIONAL AERONAUTIC HOTEP

SPACE ORGANIZATION OF

NAVIGATION.

WHAT IS YOUR FIRST ORDER OF

BUSINESS?

TO CHANGE THE NAME OF MARS

OVER TO MOORES, SIR, I MEAN

MA'AM.

f*ck.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT Y'ALL

n*gg*s ARE LETTING WOMEN DO

STUFF?

YOU n*gg*s SAID YOU'RE HOTEP.

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Sam: sh*t.

I SENT THAT n*gga ALL THE WAY UP

THERE WITH NO LOTION.

THE ONLY WAY TO GET ABOVE ALL

THIS STUFF IF YOUR LAST NAME

ISN'T KENNEDY, IS TO RECOGNIZE

THE GAME THAT'S BEING PLAYED AND

YOUR POSITION IN IT.

NOT EVERYONE CAN SEND A HOTEP IN

A BUICK TO SPACE, BUT EVERYONE

CAN CUT A LITTLE RED TAPE FOR

SOMEONE ELSE.

LET A HOMELESS n*gga SIT IN YOUR

STARBUCKS FOR A WHILE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET HIM LIVE

THERE, BUT JUST LET HIM REST HIS

FEET.

BREAK THE TAMPON MACHINE IN THE

BATHROOM SO THE TAMPONS COME OU

FOR FREE.

IF YOU WORK AT THE DMV AND

YOU'RE THE WOMAN IN WINDOW A AND

YOU CAN HAND ME THE PAPERWORK

FROM WINDOW B, IT'S 6 INCHES

AWAY.

GIMME THAT sh*t.

WHEN YOU JUMP A n*gga'S CAR, YOU

SAVE HIM TIME, THE MONEY, AND

THE PAPERWORK, ALL THE THINGS

THAT MIGHT BURY HIM IN A DEEPER

HOLE.

A HOLE THAT, IF WE'RE NO

CAREFUL, COULD SPREAD WIDE

ENOUGH TO BURY ALL OF US

SOMEDAY.

IF WE CAN'T TRUST THE

GOVERNMENT, WE NEED TO AT LEAS

TRY TO PUT A LITTLE BIT OF TRUS

IN EACH OTHER.

UGLY TIMES, AND THE WORST OF

TIMES, THEY ALL TIMES.

ALL RIGHT, Y'ALL n*gg*s NEED

TO GET THE f*ck OUT.

Sam: ALL RIGHT, JERMAINE.

KICK THESE n*gg*s OUT.

DID YO THANG, DOO DOO BREATH.

DID YO THANG.

WHY DO YOU NEED WHITE MAN

PAPERWORK?

LORD HAVE MERCY.