01x04 - Who's a Good Therapist?

[bunniefuu]

You are coming with me,

pink blazer,

and we are gonna part-ay!

Aah! Jill is leaving us.

We'll starve here.

We'll have to eat Bubbles.

I'm gonna go eat Bubbles.

No, no. This is great.

She's going to board us.

- It'll be like a vacation.

- Ooh, vacation.

How are you enjoying your

peanut butter hot tub, sir?

I requested chunky,

but this will do, I guess.

And would you like

to lick yourself,

or shall I do it for you?

Um, I think I can handle it,

but stay close just in case.

- Yes, sir.

- Good man. A little something for you.

I could use a break from

barking at garbage trucks.

I know it's only once a week,

but there's so much

prep involved.

Oh, this is just

what we need.

It's been a while

since we really talked. Yeah.

Oh, okay. It seems like

we talk all the time.

Yeah, but I mean

really dig deep.

Get in there.

Connect.

Ugh.

Oh, my God.

Is it Thursday already?

Oh, this vacation

could not come soon enough.

So I'm a wreck.

Remember when I bit

my human mother's boyfriend

Randy's toddler Ian?

Well, Ian's mother found out,

and now I have to do a week

of intensive behavioral training

with a human named Brice.

And this gives you pause?

Pun intended.

So what

are you worried about?

Well, I'm particularly worried

about the words "intensive"

and "Brice."

- Is Brice even a name?

- I wonder if I've ever heard it.

Let me think.

Brice. Brice.

Hmm

no.

Look, we may never get

to the bottom

of whether or not Brice is a name.

And that might make us

feel uncomfortable.

And that's why we're here

for each other.

Which reminds me, I'm not going to be

here for any of you

for the next few days,

'cause Chief and I

are being boarded.

- But I need you.

- Wedding planning is extremely stressful.

I'm physically uncomfortable

almost all the time.

I can run group.

I can run group.

- Oh, no.

- Why not?

Remember when she tried

to lead the exorcism

on that sugar glider?

The power of Christ

compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

Aah!

Get it off! Help!

Oh, yeah.

Let's let her do it.

We could use the laugh.

Well, you wouldn't

be able to meet here.

We can meet in the backyard.

Having therapy outside has been

proven to be beneficial probably.

Well, you guys are

totally welcome to get together

outside the house

and not call it therapy.

And if our outside session

turns therapeutic in nature,

you won't be here.

So there's nothing

you can do about it.

Will you two just kiss

and get it over with?

- What's happening?

- Oh, Chief's got the zoomies.

He's excited about our vacation.

- Ooh, zoomies.

- Oh, I love zoomies.

Zoomies!

Zoomies! Zoomies!

Zoomies. That's fun.

You know what else is fun?

Talking about our problems.

Diablo

- It's amazing.

- Hold on tight, Tchotch.

Ya-hoo!

Miss you already.

Oh, my God.

It's paradise.

What should we pee on first?

Well, can we pee on stuff

after we talk?

Look at that mud.

I don't know whether

to roll in it or eat it.

Wait, I don't have to choose.

Ha! I'm on vacation.

Okay.

This guy knows how to party.

This is better than peanut butter.

And it's chunky.

Okay, yeah. Um, I'm

I'm gonna sniff around

on my own, then.

- Old friend.

- Diablo.

- This is where you're training?

- Oh, yeah.

And see that 5'3" hunk

of charisma over there?

That's Brice, and I love him.

Turns out I love intensity, too.

- What a shift.

- Right?

All I have to do is exactly

what Brice tells me to,

and I get a treat.

Sit. Paw. Down. Sit. Paw. Down.

Crane kick.

And then it's treat,

treat, treat, treat,

treat, crane kick.

Oh, it's the best.

- Carter, enh-enh.

- Wow.

Carter just got red-collared.

Spank him!

You got the wrong dog.

That's how they mark the bad dogs.

I won't get one, though,

because I'm a mean,

green obedience machine.

So how's your vacation

with Chief?

Are you guys getting

some quality time?

Hey, how's it going?

Oh, don't worry.

It's not diarrhea.

It's "excitarrhea."

He's getting some energy and

some other things out right now.

But after that,

super-romantic weekend.

Wow. Do you smell that?

That love is strong.

- Hey, Diablo.

- What's up, Big D.

You know them?

Who doesn't?

Rutabaga and Juliet?

They are legends at this place.

Haven't you seen

their Puppy Love Calendar?

Are they as happy as they look?

Those vanillas?

Probably.

- Wonder what their secret is.

- Wait, did you hear that?

Sometimes

Brice whispers commands.

It's him.

Brice be praised!

Welcome to Elsa's group.

You are all thrilled to be here.

You should know, I use a

different modality than Honey.

Talking is great, but

it can only take you so far.

- But we're still allowed to talk?

- Yes, Chico.

Now, if we could keep any dumb

questions to a minimum,

I have to fix you all

before Honey gets back.

Great. I don't know if this

is a dumb question,

but I feel very bloated right

now, like I ate something

that's still alive and

it's moving through my body.

You got to k*ll it

before you eat it.

Okay.

Let's take turns speaking.

Stelios set up

Instagram account for Kit Kat.

I am not in any of the pictures.

- Is like I'm ghost in my own home.

- A ghost, huh?

Makes sense, because

you've been haunting my dream.

I'm okay.

Blech. The last time

he took a picture of me

was three months ago when

I napped on a bag of carrots.

He was laughing at me.

It was hot out.

The carrots were cold.

What was funny?

Tabitha, nothing is funny

about your life right now.

You've been forgotten. You need

to remind them that you exist.

- How?

- Run away.

Don't do it, mama.

You are not made for the streets.

They need to experience

how empty their lives are without you.

And only then will you be

truly appreciated.

Who's next?

The Gray One.

You've tried the rest.

Now try the vest.

Well, my life

is actually pretty good.

Really? Hmm.

'Cause I would think that

the unrequited love you feel

for Tabitha would be debilitating.

What?

No, I flirt with everybody.

- You never flirted with me.

- That's not true.

You know I just want to bat you

around until you're dead.

Shel, you might have cold

blood, but you're a hot stud.

- Chico, uh, yes, please.

- Aw.

Max, I'll take half

a pound thinly sliced.

Tchotchke rhymes

with "crotchky."

Okay, stop. You live

in a house with 40 cats.

One of them is bound to not be

completely repulsed by you.

Whoa, I don't like to crap

where I eat.

I mean, I do.

I just don't like to boink

where I crap and I eat,

although I do that, too.

All right, you know what?

- You've given me a lot to think about.

- Me too.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Goodbye, Brett.

Please enjoy stepping on my

farewell present in bare feet.

Oh, my God! Chrissy Teigen

is following Kit Kat.

She follow everyone.

You guys are great.

- Uh, hi.

- I'm Honey.

I'm Rutabaga. This is Juliet.

Oh, I know who you are.

But I haven't been

asking about you

or sniffing your tinkle spots

or anything creepy like that.

- You here alone?

- Yes. No.

I'm with that, uh, big hunk

of a Saint Bernard over there.

Oh, chill out, hose.

I'm trying to help you.

- Chief?

- Oh, he's a barrel of monkeys.

Oh, so many monkeys.

Do you guys want to have dinner

with us tonight?

We'd love to.

Ha! Jinx.

We always do that.

And we always do that.

Jinx.

Yes, jinx. Exactly.

Oh, my God. Yeah, great.

Okay, see you then. Jinx.

No? Okay. Bye.

Ugh, I just wish you'd cleaned up.

Well, I wish you had

rolled in the mud.

It was the perfect ratio

of water to dirt

- to mystery substance. It even

- Shh.

I mean, you keep

saying you want to talk, so

No, there's Rutabaga and Juliet.

Chief!

I'm laughing

because they can see us.

But I'm really peeved right now.

Chief-inator.

Honey bunny.

Rudy Juli Ani.

Sorry. I'm so excited

we're doing this.

Hopefully you like my cooking.

You know what

I learned today?

- Um, Brice is 5'3".

- Is that tall?

- Oh, I don't know.

- Oh, I love that guy.

Today he threw a ball,

so I ran after it.

Then he threw it again,

so I ran after it.

And then Diablo peed

on Brice's shoe and said,

"We're not looking for a third."

So how did you two mutts meet?

- You tell it.

- No. You tell it.

- You tell it.

- Someone tell it!

We were puppies

at the same shelter.

And the moment we locked eyes

That was it.

Ever gotten shocked

by an electric fence?

- It's like that but good.

- It was love at first scent.

The people there saw

that we had a connection.

So they made us a bonded pair

and made sure

we got adopted together.

And ours will be the last faces

we see when we die

at the exact same moment.

What else have I seen them in?

And here we are.

Wait, you weren't placed

together randomly?

You chose each other?

That happens?

- I've never heard of that happening.

- Yeah. Pretty mind-blowing stuff.

How'd you two meet?

- Exactly the same way.

- No, we didn't.

Jill adopted me first,

then one day she found

Chief eating garbage outside

of a feminist strip club

and brought him home,

and I've been falling asleep

to the sound of his farts ever since.

That's a sweet story.

Jinx.

You chose each other.

Ah, food is here.

Well, that was lovely. Bye.

Hon, you got something there.

Oh, you've got something.

Ah, Chief will get mine later.

That was fun last night.

Oh, yeah.

I wanted to ask you something.

Um

Ugh, ooh, what was it?

Do you think the fact

that you two chose each other

- makes you happier dogs?

- I don't like to talk about it

because other dogs

can get so jealous.

Oh, no, no.

No, I'm I'm not jealous.

I'm curious. I'm a therapist.

I can't I have to.

Okay.

Um, can I be brutally honest?

- Oh, yes. Be brutal.

- Every day with Rutabaga is amazing.

Ah. Wait, so you never get

frustrated or want your own space

or want to run away

with a wild animal,

I mean, you know, for example,

like, a coyote,

sniff each other's butts on

a hill overlooking a freeway?

No, we don't like to be apart

for too long.

- Not like you and Chief.

- This b*tch.

So it doesn't ever concern you

that you chose each other

while your brains

were still developing?

- I knew it. You are jealous.

- No. No.

It just seems like

you didn't get a chance

to cultivate your own personalities

before you became a bonded pair.

Oh, Honey,

I know what's going on here.

When was the last time

you and Chief jinxed?

What?

Um, first of all, that's private.

And, secondly, go jinx yourself!

Here we are again

at Elsa and Friends,

the most psychologically

beneficial thera

Oh, no.

Loud Afternoon Man is coming.

Everybody panic!

We need to get into

Jill's house, but how?

- How?

- You can't, but the handyman can.

- Hmm?

- I'm gonna unlock the doggy door.

- Right.

- Oh.

Got ya.

Hey, Rutabaga and Juliet

just canceled our plans.

We were gonna dig

a tunnel to Petco.

Was it something I said?

I mean, you know that's my

worst fear

- that and the mirror dog.

- No. Chief, it was something she said.

And then it was something I said.

Ah

Okay.

- Wait, what?

- I told her to go jinx herself.

- Honey, there are puppies here.

- Oh, she's just so smug.

She thinks everyone

is jealous of her.

Why would anyone be jealous

of her? She's a beagle.

All that, you know, "chose

each other, perfect partner" BS.

- What's the difference?

- In one scenario,

you get to choose the dog

you spend your life with.

And in the other, someone

finds them eating

day-old mac and cheese

out of a sequined sports bra,

- and you're stuck with them.

- "Stuck with"?

Is that is that

how you feel about us?

What?

No. I mean, not really.

- Sometimes.

- "Sometimes"?

- You've got a big mouth, Honey.

- Excuse me?

- Wait, so it does matter.

- Stop sniffing around

our relationship

and start sniffing your own,

because it smells

and not in a good way.

The way our relationship smells

is none of your business!

Oh, no, you don't.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's it, red collar.

At least now

you're not stuck with me.

Oh, for jinx sake.

That was an exciting start.

I'm looking forward to hearing

- how I've improved all of your lives.

- Actually, mine's worse.

Thought I had

the house to myself.

Beat it, Scuba Steve.

Could you just keep

your voice down?

You promised me I'd see a

live pig. Now, where is it?

Hey, Gray One.

We're in here.

That is not a pig.

That is just a fat cat.

Well, Elsa,

I took your advice and realized

I was surrounded by quality tail.

So this is my new girlfriend.

She's got toxoplasmosis.

Everything he is saying is true.

Yeah. I've had my eye

on her for weeks,

but finally got the nerve

to talk to her

when we were drinking

out of the same ashtray.

It was a real meet cute.

Scab in my mouth.

And is that when you

asked her to pretend

- to be your girlfriend?

- Watch it, dude.

- This is a real relationship.

- Save it. Tabitha is not even here.

- Wait, where is she?

- Maybe she actually ran away.

What? Why?

Oh, y-you know what?

Good for her.

Elsa, I have this pain that

keeps on coming and going.

They're pretty spaced out,

but they're getting closer

together and then more intense.

- But I-I think I should go home.

- No, Chico, you don't burn

calories by running away

from your feelings.

Really, anything that gets you

heart rate up is beneficial.

Oh, oh, now it's back.

Just take a deep breath in

and push that discomfort out.

Ow, ooh.

Upside you do look a little

thinner than you did last time.

Maybe that's because

this just came out of me.

- Ew.

- Whoa!

What is happening?

- It's a little wet cat.

- Okay, no more guests.

It appears we're witnessing

the miracle of mammalian birth.

Well, it must be a

misunderstanding, says this guy.

- Mama.

- Don't worry, little guy. We'll find her.

You're the mama.

He just fell out of your gobbler.

- Oh, my stomach still hurts.

- Lie on your side.

- I've done this a million times.

- No, no, no, I, uh

I think I'm okay now.

And there are three more.

- Mazel tov.

- Put them back.

- W-w-what should I do?

- Donate the first one.

The first one is always bad.

- I'll eat the first one.

- Get out.

What am I gonna tell Kevin?

He's not ready to be a father.

He made that very clear

when he broke up with Dana.

It's fine. This is fine.

It's fine.

I didn't know there was fresh fish.

- Scabby, no.

- Scuba Steve, help!

You guys are ruining this for me!

Get her back in the bowl!

Delete my search history.

- Mmm.

- She's mine!

Okay, we did it.

Everything is fine now.

What is it, Tchotch?

There's a kitten in the fishbowl?

- Whoops.

- Get her back!

Folks, there's no good time to say it.

For those of you who were

invited to the wedding,

there will be no plus-ones.

Diablo, I have to

Is that a biscuit?

Oh, yes. Brice says this is

supposed to increase my willpower.

Do you think our relationship

is dysfunctional?

- Yes. Listen, I need to find Chief.

- That's impossible.

Once they've been red-collared,

they are in lockdown.

They only dogs he's gonna see

are the other red collars.

Hmm.

Just three more minutes, little

man, and that treat is all yours.

Enh-enh, no, no, no!

Get him! Get him!

Rip his gorgeous calves off!

- Hey, lovely lady.

- You like hot spots?

I can smell your ears.

Hey.

Looks like we have

matching collars.

How on earth

are they gonna tell us apart?

Honey, I don't know

what you're doing here,

but this is no place for you,

and don't count on me

to protect you,

because I don't want to.

- Chief, please talk to me.

- I tried to talk to you about mud,

playing fetch with Brice,

and other kinds of mud.

But all you wanted to talk

about was Juliet and Rutabaga.

Uh, excuse me.

Are you the Honey?

I'm kind of in the middle

of something.

- No, it's okay. We're done.

- I heard what you did to Brice.

Would it be okay

if I sniffed your butt?

Make it quick.

Oh, never sniff your heroes.

Well, I guess I should get

used to the slammer.

These walls are all I'm going

to be seeing for a long time.

There are my bad dogs!

Oh, no!

Let's get you out of here.

Oh, it's good to be back

and see everyone.

Elsa, how did your fake therapy

session go?

- Ha!

- He's right.

It was very fun, but we

want to hear about you.

- Ha!

- Uh, no.

It seems like

there's more to tell here.

For instance, why is Chico

nursing eight kittens?

Oh, because if I stop,

my milk supply goes down.

And there you have it.

So tell us

about your weekend, Honey.

Chico, is there any more

you want to say?

Well, I feel

a lot less bloated now,

but I don't like that

everyone saw my gobbler.

Elsa's session was the most

entertaining train wreck

- I've ever witnessed.

- It was chaos.

And I lived through

the Summer of Sam.

Uh, who's this?

I'm the Gray One's

girlfriend, the Scabby One.

- You must be the pig.

- It's true.

I'm in a healthy,

fulfilling relationship.

- Tabitha's still not here!

- Ah, damn it!

- What is this place?

- You can't go in there, you know.

They only take cats

that need homes.

So if they see that,

they are gonna send you

right back where you came from.

- My collar?

- It's such a hard decision.

Does she return to her home

where the no-hair bears

have a new number-one favorite

- Or does she go

- Stop talking. Take the collar.

Have fun.

If it makes you feel any better,

these last couple days

were a bummer for me, too.

Chief and I just couldn't connect.

And then we went to jail.

I'm still kind of adjusting

to life on the outside.

None of them understand

how hard it is to be perfect.

Well, maybe we don't

understand how hard it is

for them to live up to

our unrealistic expectations.

"Unrealistic"?

What are you supposed to do

chase ba*ls and roll around

in the mud?

That's actually a great idea.

Elsa, thank you.

You're welcome.

I helped Honey.

And there's nobody here to see it.

I saw it, not impressed.

Chiefy, look what I found.

Come on in.

The water's disgusting.

- How disgusting?

- Well, it's the perfect ratio of water

- to dirt to mystery substance.

- Okay.

Move over, princess.

Whoo-hoo!

- Honey, I'm stuck.

- Me too.

Chief, are you

having "excitarrhea"?

Hello? I'm ready to receive

treats and strokings.

You, you're not doing it right.

- Doing what?

- Everything.

I'm Chartreuse.

I can show you the ropes.

They're over there,

and they're mine.

- So keep your filthy paws off 'em.

- I play what I want.

I found your cat.

Where's my reward?

Meow.