01x09 - Who Done It?

[bunniefuu]

What's your game here, dude?

You're a garbage thief

who only cares about himself,

but now suddenly you're helping?

The poodle and I have an arrangement.

I lend her the use

of my 10 little magic wands,

and she doesn't lead her

no hair bear to the shed

where I stay when it rains.

You're done.

Next.

- Um, what is this?

- Honey's new rain protocol.

- Can't have paw prints on the carpet.

- No.

The blow dryer

is an aggressive tool

humans use to force animals to

conform to their standards

and I resent Honey

for imposing it on us.

- Next.

- Wow. It is really coming

Ah!

Armando,

what are you doing here?

I told you that a passionate affair

between a swashbuckling coyote

and voluptuous super canine

- can only end in heartbreak.

- I'm willing to take that chance.

- Oh! I forgot you had jet paws.

- I do. I do have jet paws.

Honey, Jill is on a rampage.

Come quick!

I may have overstated it,

but that's only because

my credibility is shot.

Where is it?

Oh! A-ha!

This dangerous storm

is developing rapidly.

Check back in later.

Hey, what do you think

is going on?

Uh

Oh, no.

These are all the thoughtless

gifts her mom has given her.

- That means

- Grandma's coming to town!

- Oh, yes!

- But Chief, how can you be excited?

Spending time with Nancy puts Jill

in a very fragile emotional state.

Not to mention the fact that Nancy

hates me, which is just beyond.

Is Uncle Nathan coming too?

He's not your uncle.

Okay, Jill, don't let her

snuff out your light.

Hi, Mom.

How was the trip?

So you're not gonna say hello

to your brother?

He's not really uh

- Hi, Nathan.

- Hello, Chiefy.

- Euch.

- Euch.

Did you get my compression socks?

Well, you just asked for them

30 minutes ago.

Either take me to Kohl's now

or take me to the emergency room later.

- But

- Storm. Storm. Storm. Storm.

The storm

Okay.

Bye, Lover Bird. Bye, Chiefy.

- Hello, Honey.

- Nathan.

- You're looking well.

- What about me, Uncle Nathan?

- How do I look? Big and strong?

- Oh, yes. Very strong.

Say, Sport, why don't you use

that strength

- to let Uncle Nathan out of his cage?

- Don't fall for it, Chief.

Remember what happened last time.

- Let him perch!

- I'm trying!

Even if I had hands,

I wouldn't let you out of that cage.

- Did somebody say

- We're good, Raccoon.

Oh, pardon me.

Am I too close?

If you climbed through

my empty eye socket,

and nestled into my skull,

you still wouldn't be too close.

- Ah!

- Guys, why are you acting like the people

in Kevin's nighttime videos?

- Is something going on with you two?

- What? No, this is just roomy talk.

Guys, you won't believe what I just saw.

I've okay. I'm dry.

I'll be in the shed.

- Mm-hmm.

- There was a coyote

standing on top of the rock

near the backyard.

- Armando?

- Who's Armando?

Oh. What? Armando?

- You said that, I think.

- No. I said coyote.

Well, how'd he look, sad?

Muscley? Why do I care?

I don't. Let's begin.

Jill's mother, Nancy,

came to town unexpectedly.

So, uh, we have a guest today.

- This is Nathan. He's

- Honey's uncle.

No, he's Jill's mother's pet

and he won't be interfering at all.

Not a peep.

So who wants to start?

No one wants to share?

This is a first.

If everyone is feeling shy,

I'd like to discuss

why the elderly cat

and the one-eyed cat lied

to the husky cat.

- That's a peep.

- They're obviously more than friends.

Actually, no. I just asked.

They're roommates

who are a little bit flirty.

It's all inbounds.

Since we're talking romance,

sexual pivot,

Darla, Lindsay, and I

are now a throuple.

It is the stuff

that the most romantic

and perverse fairy tales are made of.

Ooh. Shel, uh I've asked

you to dull down your visuals.

Trust me, that was dulled.

Oh, you can't blame him, Honey.

Delusions are often more vivid

than real memories.

How dare you?

The memories of our pound rounds

are as real as this table.

Nathan, I won't warn you again.

Aw, sweet, fragile Elsa.

I used to be scared of storms too,

but therapy has totally calmed me.

And it's all thanks to you, Dr. Honey.

Wow, Diablo, thank you.

God. Did everyone hear that?

I heard a therapist blinded

by cheap praise.

- Yeah. I hate this guy.

- I'm not a fan either.

- Agree.

- Same.

Ugh. You're all beyond help

and only a fool would

waste their time trying.

- Luckily, you found one.

- All right, enough, Nathan.

You have disrupted this group

for the last time.

Honey, I think I broke my eyes!

No, Chief.

The power went out.

- Okay. Is everyone all right?

- I'm fine. Not scared at all.

I thought it was kind of exciting.

And the good news is,

now Nathan's gone.

Oh, no. Where is he?

Well, it looks like his cage

was knocked over.

The little door is open.

He must have flown away.

Well, there sure are a lot

of feathers on the ground.

- Oh, my God.

- Hmm. All these clues tell me

that your Uncle Nathan

didn't fly away.

- Not my uncle.

- He was eaten!

Ah-ah, oh!

Chief, wake up.

I had the worst dream.

You were there,

and you were there,

and you were there,

- and Uncle Nathan was

- Eaten? That was real, toots.

I'm an orphan!

This might be a dumb question,

but if Nathan was eaten,

doesn't that mean

someone here ate him?

Tchotchke, where did you find

Jill's Casio Mini?

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well,

well, well, well, well.

Looks like we've got

a m*rder mystery on our paws.

Yes, we do.

Well, well, well

- I just did that.

- Sorry. What I was getting to was

we do know that someone

in this room has k*lled before.

Yes, I have experienced

the joy of k*lling,

but only in self-defense.

Okay, then, why don't you tell us

where you were

when the lights went out?

Shel, do you want to

tell them or should I?

Oh, go ahead.

I was hiding in a clog

when I felt it move.

I thought maybe it was the thunder,

but when I peeked out, I saw

Ah! Oh.

Oh, I thought everything was

going great with Darla and Lindsay.

I only said that

to not shatter your image of me

as a sex-sual dynamo.

The truth is

It was like I wasn't even there.

A throuple fail of epic proportions.

So yes, I was with Bethany

while the lights were out.

Bethany?

Oh, the clog.

I just needed to feel wanted again.

Well, I guess that clears

Shel and Nibbles of this crime.

Yes. And now I'd like

to pose a question.

Which animal is known to be

the number one k*ller of birds?

- Man.

- Cats!

I'd like to hear alibis

from the felines in the room.

Well, I

I was

- Oh, God.

- Okay.

Oh, oh, icky.

Okay, you're cleaning that up.

Wait. You're gray,

but that hairball is white.

I guess the jig is

how do you say? Up.

I was with The Gray One

locked in fiery grooming.

- Yeah, we were.

- You guys are together? Aww.

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but can we move this?

If I smell vomit, it makes me

- Diablo, are you back on medication?

- Yes.

You've been so over the moon

about my progress,

I didn't have the heart to tell you

it's because of the medicine.

Well, one doesn't work

without the other.

Is anyone in this

group telling the truth?

I am. I'm an open book.

- No secrets, nothing to hide.

- You do have one secret.

He's actually a very nice guy

and a wonderful friend.

I was in over my head

and Max came to my rescue.

I didn't do it to be a nice guy.

I did it because I was sick of

hearing you drone on about Lindsay.

I thought it would finally shut you up.

Well, you obviously

don't know me at all!

Oh, no!

Jill is five blocks out!

- And about to get her period!

- Oh, no. Everyone out!

The flap won't flap.

Well, we all live here now.

It's stuck.

- We're trapped!

- Four blocks.

Trapped? Oh, no, no, no.

This is a nightmare.

- I'm having a great time.

- Not only has Nathan

- Uncle Nathan.

- Disappeared

- Been eaten.

- But when Jill gets home

This group is gonna be canceled

faster than an Armie Hammer

dinner party.

- Three blocks!

- Raccoon, help!

Ba-da-ba-da,

ra-ba-da-ba-da-ba,

- bum-bum-bong.

- She's in the driveway!

And of course,

you forgot to lock the door.

Hide.

Hello, Chiefy.

Did you have fun

with your Uncle Natha

Ahh!

Nathan!

Oh, not my Nathan.

It's okay, Mom.

Maybe the storm scared Chief

- and he knocked into the table.

- Yeah. She gets me.

I'm sure Nathan's

in the house somewhere.

- We'll find him.

- Uch.

Chief, you stay with Nancy.

I'll go with Jill.

Nathan.

Where are you, Nathan?

- Ooh, that was

- Lover!

- Uh-oh.

- Where are you?

Uh! Oh.

- Nathan, come to your mommy bird.

- Nathan.

Nathan.

Chico.

- I'm here, but I'm not talking to you.

- Oh, come on.

Don't be mad at me

for being happy with Tabitha.

If that's why you think I'm mad,

then you're even dumber

than you must think I am.

I understand why you didn't

say anything

about you and The Gray One.

- You are totally out of his league.

- It is not an issue of leagues.

I feel so bad for lying to Honey.

I just wanted her to think

I was making progress

so she didn't give up on me.

Honey's never given up

on any of us.

Aw, thanks, Nibbles.

Should we kiss?

- I mean, I wasn't feeling that, but

- Me neither.

I'm not mad at you

for being with Tabitha.

I'm hurt because best friends

tell each other everything,

so I must not be your best friend.

Ah. Of course, you are.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

I promise to be mostly, totally

- honest with you from now on.

- Thank you.

I hope Tabitha makes you

as happy as Kevin makes me.

I'm not sure

I'm ever getting out of here.

I thought burying Lindsay,

the proverbial "h*"

meant you and I were becoming bros.

And I don't like the misogyny

in that term,

but the rhyme

is too delicious to pass up.

But evidently, I was wrong.

Wrong like Donkey Kong.

All right! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry for what I said.

- I want to be your bro.

- Do you mean it?

You're not just saying that

- to get me to shut my trap.

- Of course, I am.

We have fun.

Well, aren't you

a tall drink of water?

Come on, man,

keep it in your shell.

I wanted to make sure

The Gray One really like me

before everyone find out.

Can't handle

another public rejection.

He'd have to be crazy to reject you.

You're a super fluff, pretty cat.

Thank you, Elsa.

You are short leg, eager face.

- Uch, I'm so cold.

- There, there, Mom.

Should have been you.

Detach with love, detach with love.

I'll build a fire.

Oh, I think this wood got

a little a little damp.

This is why

you didn't get on "Survivor."

You know what, Mom?

Why don't you go to bed?

Yeah, I'll keep looking for Nathan.

The mean pig and the

sexy turtle are in the bedroom.

- Go.

- Let me get you an extra blanket.

- Dee-dee-doo-dah.

- Ugh.

- What is that supposed to be?

- I don't know.

He's never done that before.

Dee-dee-dee dah.

- Is everyone okay?

- Yes, but no.

I have to get home.

My dad's probably worried sick.

Oh, I can't even think about

how worried Kevin would be

if he was in town.

How am I gonna get you

animals out of here?

- Raccoon.

- Oh, hey.

Did you know that there was

a branch in front of the door?

Little late. Everyone go.

Wait. We still have a mystery to solve.

Or has everyone forgotten we have

a vicious k*ller in our midst?

What?!

Oh, right. Sorry.

Someone here is responsible

for the m*rder

- of Honey's favorite uncle.

- Not my uncle.

And we're not gonna solve

this mystery tonight.

Everyone has alibis,

and I think we should just let it go.

Not everyone.

There's one animal

who hasn't accounted for

their whereabouts

- while the lights were out.

- You.

Tchotchke, enough.

While Tabitha and I were cementing

our lifelong bond,

I noticed muddy paw prints

coming from the door

and going into the living room.

We were all thoroughly cleaned

when we entered.

And Raccoon buffed your nails

before he left.

Then I thought back to the moments

before the lights went out.

You've interrupted for the last time.

And that's when I figured out

the only thing

that could have happened.

Really? That's the only thing

that could have happened?

I would bet my vest that

if you showed us your paw,

- there would be mud on it.

- That's ridiculous.

I would never k*ll Nathan.

And there's no such thing

as a Were-Poodle.

Okay. Then lift your paw.

Show us your paw

and this will all be over.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes.

Fine. Yes.

I did go outside,

but I did not k*ll Nathan.

- Then what were you doing?

- Um

Why did you go outside, Honey?

Okay. Fine. Yes, I did it.

I did it.

I I k*lled Nathan and and I

buried him in the backyard.

I hated how he was treating

all of you.

And also because birds

as a species are disgusting.

- I smell roast chicken.

- The first stage of grief.

Yeah, well, mystery solved.

Everyone have a great night.

Drive safe.

That horrible bird is dead.

Is that any way

to talk about family?

Nathan.

- Surprised to see me?

- Uncle Nathan is so badass.

We thought Honey ate you.

You only thought that because

that's I wanted you to think.

But I'll tell you

what really happened

when the lights went out.

I stuck my claws through the

bars and unlocked the door.

And then I liberally sprinkled the floor

with my own feathers.

Once I took flight,

I got a me-eyed view of

your sad little lives.

Oh, yeah. That's it. Oh.

And then up the chimney, I flew.

I just never anticipated Jill

successfully starting a fire.

I mean, we all saw

her "Survivor" audition.

- Nathan, why would you do this?

- One word. Freedom.

When we come here,

I am banished to that

horrible cage, like an animal.

I overheard Nancy saying

that I would have to live here

once she's gone.

I can't have that.

So I decided to turn Nancy on Jill

by using the one thing Jill

loves more than anything else.

- You.

- Me?

Oof, that was way more than one word.

If you can open the cage

whenever you want,

why did you ask me to do it?

To almost pull off

genius schemes like this.

But at least I destroyed

your little group.

- You didn't destroy group.

- Not even close.

But all you do is lie

to each other.

Honey's a fraud and she's not

qualified to help any of you.

That might be true,

but she also cares about us.

Gah. Pathetic.

You can have each other.

Ow.

Nathan. Oh, my poor angel.

You're naked.

Muah! Muah!

You all should go home now.

- Your humans must be going crazy.

- Brava, Honey.

- Let's go, move it.

- Well, that was some session.

Honey, this is hard for me to say,

but I forgive you

for eating Uncle Nathan.

- I have a question for you.

- Raccoon.

Why would you confess

to a m*rder you didn't commit?

Um, well, I was just um

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Yeah. I was kind of thinking

it might have something to do

with that hot-a*s coyote

you've been eye-boinking.

But if you don't wanna

talk about it, that's cool.

Man, sure, it would be a shame

if your fancy friends

found out about him.

Or if Chief did.

- You wouldn't.

- I mean, I am a scumbag, so

Fine. I'll tell you

what really happened.

Armando, I thought

you'd been struck by

Whoa!

Is that a six-pack?

You shouldn't be out here, Honey.

It's too dangerous.

Your chest is like, wow.

I just wanted to make sure

you were okay.

- Now get back inside.

- But

Go.

Now you know everything.

Please don't tell anyone.

Your secret is safe with me.

If you let me keep the apartment

- year-round.

- You got yourself a deal.

Pleasure doing business with you.

- Nailed it.

- Ow.

Easy there, little fella.

It's okay.

Hold on.

I've got something for you.

You like to party?