02x17 - Who's the Cat-Chelorette?

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- Meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

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Good morning.

Huh, it's a lot more moany in

here than usual.

Bellies seem bigger

and something's definitely

going on with the n*pples.

Wait a second.

How long has it been

since the big blackout?

Oh, no.

Birthquake!

Have you seen Linda's new

Hey whoa!

Oh, my God!

It's happening.

Just like in my dream!

Remember that dream

I told you about?

The one with the kitties?

So I had

a small medical procedure,

- but before anyone calls me

- Conehead!

Ah, guys, guys, guys.

You know how loud things sound

with the cone.

Please.

- What happened?

- I had a fatty deposit

on my thigh that exploded.

Nothing about

an animal body is gross.

Except for ducks

and their corkscrew pokers.

Okay, let's move on to

something more interesting to me.

You would not believe how I was treated

at Nicole Richie's house last night!

Oh, I am so glad to be here.

- This is such a classy c*ck party.

- It's a c*ck party.

So, uh,

what is the difference

between a c*ck

and a c*ck?

- Is this a bit?

- Is he working out material

- on us?

- I hate LA.

- VIP only.

- Yeah, that's right, VIP

Very Important Pig!

You're not on the list.

And she's having

another shindig tonight!

If only I had

a cool wingman by my side.

It might boost me up to VIP!

Oh, I suppose I could

- move some things around

- Shel, what are you doing tonight?

Well, Darla and I haven't done

reverse Oompa Loompa in a while.

Does everything always

have to be about sex with you?

Birds gotta fly,

tortoises gotta freak.

What do you think?

Is it time for Team Shelax

- to ride again?

- Oh, hells yeah.

I'm ready to rock out

with my cloaca out.

- Yeah!

- Ew.

I don't know

how I'm gonna do this.

No, no, no, no, no.

Whoa, Madge is

less coherent than usual.

What's going on,

The Exposition One?

Well, after the birthquake,

Animal Control named our house

- a dangerous health hazard.

- That's crazy. We're fine.

Now Madge has to

get rid of all of us

- except one.

- Whoa, that's horrible.

How is she

possibly going to pick

which of us she loves most?

The same way anyone

in this position would

in the selection style of

her favorite television show.

Welcome

to "The Cat-Chelorette."

The cat-chelorette

will go on a series

of dates as part of her

journey to find love.

These cats better prepare to

charm her Kirkland Signature

flannel pajama pants off,

because this is sure to be

the most dramatic season yet.

- Chico, what are you doing here?

- Well, every reality show

needs a host,

and I have a sixth sense

for when one of these

is about to break out

you know,

like how dogs can tell

when earthquakes are coming,

and how alligators

- can tell if someone's g*y.

- Alli-g*y-dar, sure.

But if I don't win, that

means I lose my Madge forever.

And you'll be taken away by

Animal Control to be destroyed

in a humane,

but efficient manner.

So not "Cat-chelor in Paradise"?

Trust me

you wanna win this game.

Obviously, I have feelings

for my human.

Who wouldn't?

She's the total package.

I love her long nails

with food underneath

almost as much as her warm

butt print in the couch.

But we've never really bonded.

I have a hard time

showing affection.

I mean, I did throw up in her shoes

once, but she never really reciprocated.

You've got

to help me stand out.

Gray One, if I don't approach

this job with integrity and honor,

then I'm just a cat shilling

dish soap and 5G coverage.

Okay, Cat-Chelorette Nation,

we'll be back

right after this message

from AT&T's new

Lemon-Scented Wireless.

- Chief, shh, I'm sleeping.

- I wish I was sleeping.

- Uh, wait, what? Who's talking?

- I'm talking.

Wait, what?

You're dropping out.

Can can't you hear me?

- All right, let me try moving.

- Okay, can you hear me now?

- Yes, that's better. Who is this?

- You called me.

I did? Oh, well, okay.

I'm a French poodle.

My name is Honey.

I'm a French poodle too.

- Huh.

- I'm in Van Nuys.

I think I can hear

you because I'm wearing a cone.

I had a fatty deposit

that exploded.

- But how can you hear me?

- Oh, my God, mine exploded too.

So they put this cone on me

at the shelter.

- I'm sorry.

- Nobody wants a dog

- with exploding fatty deposits.

- That's not true.

One day, your Jill will come,

and in the meantime,

I can keep you company

- I mean, if you want.

- I would love that.

Yeah, you sound like someone

I can really talk to.

What's your name?

Well, the shelter

gives us celebrity names

because they think

we'll get adopted faster.

They call me James Corden.

- I guess that's why I'm still here.

- Yeah, I'll call you Amigo.

That means "friend" in French.

Here we are, in front

of the mansion where our human

will begin her journey.

Oh, and here come

the first of our cat-testants.

Hi, I'm The Not Here

To Make Friends One.

- I think you'll find I'm a real cat-ch.

- Send in the next one.

And where's

our next cat-testant?

- Would you look at that?

- Yes, yes.

I love you already, babes.

I'm The Here

For The Wrong Reasons One.

Smash that like button.

I'd hate to have to follow that.

I wonder who

it's The Gray One!

I only have eye for you.

Ooh.

Pillow cat?

Well, I guess

we know who's gonna get

- the first impression treat.

- Hmm.

How am I supposed

to compete with that?

Psst, if you want more

airtime, squeeze out some tears

- or puke, man.

- I don't want airtime.

I want Madge time.

Okay, okay, we'll dub in

the puke sounds later.

All right, check it out, my friend.

Anyone who belongs

to anyone is right here

Post Malone's hairless cat,

Sia's sheep dog,

Uma Thurman's fainting goat,

of course.

Hey, Scott!

Come on. Let's take a

lap and make fun of

the other animals to make

ourselves feel better.

I've missed this.

- Huh, what's going on over there?

- This is crazy.

They're having tortoise races,

and you're a tortoise!

Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

That this whole bro night

was an elaborate setup to get

- me to run a tortoise race for you?

- Okay, yes, it was.

I was humiliated

at the last party,

and I thought maybe

if you won the tortoise race,

that would be our ticket

to a real bro night

- in the VIP section. I'm sorry.

- Hey, look at me.

The first rule of Team Shelax

is never be embarrassed

of asking someone

to come to a Hollywood party

- and run a tortoise race for you.

- What a specific rule!

- You got this, Shel!

- We got this.

- Oh, yeah!

- On your marks, get set

- You got this!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- Yeah!

Oh, yeah, whoo!

Sheeps is race!

Let's do it!

We got a pileup.

- Whoo!

- Oh, yeah!

- You got this!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

- All right!

- Yes!

- Yes!

- That's my bro!

- Yes!

- Love it!

- We did it!

Max, wait up.

- Sorry, no racers in VIP.

- But that's racerist!

Max, they're not letting me in.

What?

Well, rules are rules.

- Catch you later, bro!

- Hmm

Madge is everything

I've ever wanted.

Yeah, she's covered in crumbs.

I'm really nervous.

But just looking around, I mean,

this is the perfect place

to fall in love.

So watch out, Madge.

I'm coming for you.

Attention, cats,

the human is making her way

into the bathroom,

where she'll begin preparing

for our first group date,

and our selection

for the group date is

The Furry One,

The Drinks Too Much One,

The Here

For The Wrong Reasons One,

The Probably Not A Cat One,

and

The Gray One.

Whew.

I don't know

if it's the filthy bathtub

filled with overdue

electric bills talking,

but I think I'm falling in love.

I wrote you this song,

"Your Bathtub is a Wonderland."

You can listen to it on iTunes

for 99¢

or the explicit version for $1.29.

Madge, sometimes, it's hard

for me to express myself,

but I'm willing to put it

all on the line for you,

because if I don't,

I'll regret it

- Hey, can I steal her for a second?

- Ah!

You're so hot.

Oh, my God.

They adopted Judge Judy?

Yeah, after playing with me

for, like, an hour.

I even begged.

I'm pathetic.

No, Amigo.

What did I tell you?

I have to be Amigo's amigo

before Amigo can be

anyone else's amigo.

Hey, come on.

I got this squirrel cornered.

- Let's scare the nuts off him.

- Ah, not so loud.

Can't you see I'm on the cone?

God.

Again? Every time I wanna play

with you, you're on the cone.

- I wish that fatty tumor never exploded!

- It was a fatty deposit.

- Chief?

- Ugh, cringe.

Three treats have been given.

Cats, this is the final treat

of the night.

Human, whenever you're ready.

- Here.

- Oh, my God.

Maybe she does know

how I feel about her.

Aw, pocket pasta.

I can't wait to introduce

Madge to my parents.

I just hope she

doesn't bring up politics.

For those of you

who didn't get a treat tonight,

I have to ask you to head

into your elimination crates.

But first, take a moment

and say your goodbyes.

Before I let you in, would

you mind lifting your plumage?

- What the hell?

- Um, where am I?

How did I get here?

Can you believe the way

they're treating us?

We're out here racing,

and they're in there,

- having the time of their lives.

- Now that you mention it,

it does feel like

we do all the work,

and they have all the fun.

Oh, I guess

I'm Max's best friend

until something

better comes along.

Oh, I feel the same way

cheap and used,

- which normally, I love.

- Well, we have the power here.

The next time they ask

us to race, we say no!

- Yeah!

- Preach!

There's nothing we can't do

if we come together!

Oh, I like the sound of that.

Reminds me of a story

fall of 1914,

I find a soldier's helmet.

Guys, come on. Keep focused.

This is difficult enough.

- That's what she said.

- Ugh.

- That's not even how that works.

- She said that too.

- So my cone's coming off tomorrow.

- How are we going to talk?

I guess we could

talk in person.

I could come to the shelter.

Oh, I I didn't

want to tell you this,

- but I I ran away.

- What, why?

Well, I thought

I'd have a better chance

- on the streets.

- Are you okay?

I guess. I didn't know where

to go, so I went to the zoo.

They take dogs, don't they?

Just stay where you are.

I'm coming.

That's it.

I'm gonna follow her

because I have

nothing else to do.

All right, Gray One,

you're gonna get some

quality one-on-one time

with the human

- in her fantasy suite.

- You mean

That's right, the room

with all the broken box fans

a real chance for you

to finally open up

and take this

to the next level.

But what if I can't?

Then I'd lose Madge.

Good luck.

I just purred so hard

I reached cerebral hypoxia.

You know what? That's it.

I'm done.

I am done with this.

He's gone rogue.

He's taking off his beetle

- that looks like a mic.

- We got a runner!

The Gray One!

The Gray One!

- He's gone, man!

- The Gray One, come back!

We'll be right back.

The Gray One!

Wait up!

Come on.

Let's talk about it.

That go, get out of here.

Is it that you don't love her?

Did you sign up for this, thinking

it was "America's Cat Talent"

or "South America's Gato Talent"?

I can't purr.

I've never been able to,

and it'll be exposed

in the fantasy suite,

Madge will think I hate her,

and I'll never

get to see her again!

Gray One, if you love her,

and she loves you,

it won't matter

that you can't purr.

Okay. I guess I should

just trust the process.

There you go.

You dropped this.

Thanks, Cheeks.

Can we get him another mic?

Now, remember,

when the whistle blows,

- no one moves.

- Or and just hear me out

instead of not moving,

why don't we get

all our bits and pieces

all tangled up together?

- Yeah!

- Let's do this.

Tortoises, take your marks.

- Whoo!

- You got this!

This is fun.

We should all go

on a couples vacation

together and swap.

That's it!

Does everything always

have to be about sex with you?

- Ready

- We're fighting for justice here.

Can you please stop being

such vile, depraved

- Set

- Oh, yeah, keep calling me names.

I can't with you.

Yeah!

- Whoo!

- Team Shelax wins again!

- I did it!

- He set us up.

Someone say,

"He stabbed us in the back."

I have a great single entendre.

Amigo!

- Amigo!

- Honey? Over here.

Why are you

in the crocodile enclosure?

- Are there crocodiles in there?

- No, no, just me.

Okay, don't move.

Ah, crocodile!

- Where's Amigo?

- I have another confession

I really enjoyed our chats.

I'm going to miss them.

Why?

Did you finally get adopted?

Oh.

Ah, ah!

Oh, so loud!

So loud!

Chief, thank God.

Louder!

I'm so stupid.

I can't believe I got croc-fished.

Aw, it's okay.

You just wanted to help him.

Yeah, and I'm sorry

it caused me to ignore you.

You know what?

I had forgotten, but thank you.

You know what we should do?

Watch the giraffes pee.

- From a safe distance.

- In the splash zone.

There he is!

Oh, that was great back there

- another victory for Team Shelax!

- Oh, just cut the crap, okay?

You don't give a damn

about Team Shelax.

The minute you had a better

offer, you abandoned me.

Whaaat?

Okay, yeah, you're right.

I totally did that.

Meanwhile, I was stuck with

a bunch of depraved windbags.

Everything out of their mouths

was about intercourse!

Well, if I'm being honest,

that VIP room was just a bunch

of name-dropping pets who were

so self-absorbed, it was

like I wasn't even there.

So how did your evening go?

- I wasn't really listening before.

- The part that hurts the most

is that I thought

we really worked as bros.

We did.

I'm sorry about bailing on you

back there, and if you

can find it in your shell

- to forgive me, maybe

- Yes, but do you think

we should explore our dynamic

and why this happened?

- Of course not!

- And that's why we work.

Team Shelax rides again!

Let's get out of here.

This place is a total sausage fest.

- Tell us, come on.

- Okay, the truth is

last night wasn't purr-fect.

I just couldn't purr.

But I I still think

we had a great connection.

She flossed her toes

with my tail.

That's gotta mean something.

With dozens of cats

in their crates,

soon to be carted off

to certain death

- What?

- The stakes are high.

But the highest stakes

are love.

With five cats left

and only four treats,

this is going to be her

toughest decision yet.

Wow, this is unprecedented

here at Cat-Chelor nation.

The human has eaten

one of the treats herself,

and now only has

three treats left.

This will be

the toughest decision yet.

I can't believe this!

Are you getting all this?

Well, cats,

there's only one treat left.

Whoever receives this treat

will get to stay here

with the human

and live happily ever after.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Why does this always

happen to me?

I should've known I could never

be as lovable and supportive

as a pillow.

How many buckwheat hulls

do I have in me? Zero.

For those of you

who didn't receive a treat

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nobody wants us.

Head to our crates.

Gray One, no, you can't

go to Animal Control.

Where else can an unlovable,

can't-purr cat go?

You are totally wrong.

I mean, yes, you are

nothing like a pillow,

but you are lovable.

- I love you. You're my best friend.

- Aw, Cheeks.

- What's that sound?

- What?

- The Gray One, you're purring!

- I am purring!

You made me purr!

Thank you, Chico!

I just wish you had told me

you loved me before

I locked myself in this crate.

Go for Carla.

Yeah, we got a call about a

celebrity pet tortoise racing ring.

Not today.

Not today!

Yay, we're free!

- Let's go home!

- Back to the squalor we left for some reason!

That was really fun. I get

why you like reality shows now.

Do you wanna come to an

episode of "Love is Blind"?

I can sense

they're taping nearby.

Are you kidding me?

I'm halfway there.

I'm also a cat like you are.

Can I come too?

Sure.

Purr, I'm a cat.

Purr.

'Kay, looks good.

- No more cats.

- No.

Well then, thank you

for complying with

- Bye.

- City ordinance 1752948-2.

- Ah

- Mm. Oh, my sweet Gray One.

- All right! Pocket pork!

- Meow.