Napoleon's Table (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

Hello, are you home?

I got flowers for you.

Why?

Because I thought it

nice to give you flowers.

You never give me flowers.

Yet, today I'm giving you flowers.

Why? What have you done?

I just want to be nice.

You're never nice. Why

are you... Why? Why today?

So today I want to be nice

and these are your flowers.

Shut up your a*s. I don't want them.

I don't want them.

Listen, I'm trying to be nice, okay?

Why? What have you done?

You've got something to say.

I've done nothing.

Yeah, you have. What have you done?

You've definitely done something.

Wait, where are you going?

Come on, tell me what you've done.

I'm just back home.

Would you give me a break?

No. Why have you bought me

flowers? You do not buy flowers.

You don't buy me flowers.

So what have you done? You've got

something to tell me. I know you have.

I can tell by the look on your stupid face.

Go on.

What?

I can tell you what's up today.

I got a meeting with my faculty advisor.

Right.

And we...

We had different opinions

about my field of study.

Right. And?

And I didn't bend to his requests.

Carry on, spit it out.

Come on. I ain't got all day.

So, you know that my

teaching is very specific.

I'm focusing on a specific time period.

And he now wants me to

shift to a different curriculum.

Right. What does that mean?

And I said no.

I will not throw in the bin 20 years

of study, of research, of my life.

I will not do that. And so I said no.

What are you saying?

I said no.

Right.

Can you just f*cking sit still and

spit out whatever you've got to say?

Go on.

So I quit.

You quit?

I quit.

So you're unemployed?

You know, I have very

specific skills to offer.

I will find something else.

How? You're not good at anything else.

You put your whole life into this sh*t.

You give me nothing of your life.

I feel like I don't even know you.

And what, now you think you're

just going to go and get another job?

You don't even know how

to take care of your own wife.

I'm not giving you anything?

That's what you say?

You don't.

I come back home with flowers.

And that's what you get today.

I don't want your sh*t f*cking flowers.

I want you to f*cking be here

and give me some attention.

How about that?

Don't throw your sh*t flowers at me.

My work requires focus.

It requires research.

I'm at the library. I'm at the faculty.

I can't be here with you

all the time, you know?

And when I'm here, you attack me.

Attack you?

Yeah, you attack me.

You just f*cking threw the flowers at me.

Are you alright?

You f*cking narcissist.

I brought you nicely a bouquet of flowers

and you throw it in the bin.

Because you think a shitty

five pound bunch of flowers

from the petrol station is

going to make me happy.

How about your time, your love,

your patience will make me happy.

Not a shitty bunch of flowers.

They look half dead.

Are you taking the piss?

What were you doing?

Paying for your petrol?

Just so you'd get them

in the reduced section

just to make her smile for a minute.

No, it's not going to work anymore.

Laugh all you want. You're pathetic.

You're disgusting.

Are you finished?

No, you're pathetic.

You make me feel sick.

I don't want, I do not want you anymore.

Look at you.

You make me feel sick.

Stop f*cking smirking.

Honestly, you're pathetic, mate.

Tell me when you're

finished so we can talk.

I'm not finished.

Maybe I don't want to hear

your pathetic little voice.

Then go.

No, stop f*cking me and patronising.

Get out.

How about just take your

f*cking sh*t and get out.

Take your stupid little coat and f*ck off.

Go on.

That's my house.

No it isn't.

Well it's not going to

be your house now, is it?

Because you can't f*cking pay for it.

Because you haven't even got a job.

What money have you got?

You probably just spent the

last of it on those stupid flowers.

What have you got? Nothing.

You don't have a job.

No woman's going to want you

because you've got nothing to offer.

You're pathetic.

Stop f*cking staring at me as well.

I hate looking at you.

You actually make me feel a bit sick.

Have you ever got anything to say?

Yeah.

What?

I'm doing my best, you know that.

Are you?

Yeah, I'm doing my best.

Are you?

And you're doing your

best to spoil everything.

Every day of my life

you're making it hard for me.

You've ruined my life.

Every little step I try to make towards

you, you're throwing it in the bin.

It's all about you, isn't it?

It's all about you.

I'm trying.

What are you trying to do here?

I do everything.

You're just rejecting me.

I am rejecting you.

You're just rejecting me.

Because you're never here.

I don't feel wanted, I don't feel loved.

I'm here in this f*cking flat on my own.

24 hours a day, waiting

for you to come home.

You're always chatting with your friends.

You're always chatting with the neighbours.

You're always gossiping with the girls.

You're not alone at all.

Because I don't have

anyone else to talk to.

I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Do you want me to chat and

gossip with you about what?

I just want us to talk about life.

What can we talk about together?

Life.

Us.

Make plans.

Do nice things.

What do you do?

Just talk sh*t about your job all the time.

How about that?

You don't even have a job.

What are you going to do now?

I have my research.

I have my knowledge.

That's going to pay the bills, isn't it?

I have my culture.

That's going to pay the bills, isn't it?

It will be.

It will be paying bills.

Really?

When?

When?

Do you think your dreams

are going to pay bills?

Your little ideas, do you think

they're going to pay the mortgage?

Do you?

Hmm?

It's a temporary situation.

And I will solve it.

Temporary?

I have a plan.

I have a strategy.

Yeah.

You've always said you've got a plan.

Yeah.

You plan is sh*t.

No, my plan brought me where I am.

My plan brought me to be the expert of

Napoleonic studies in the whole country.

That's where my plans brought me.

You're so boring.

You are so boring.

Do you know that?

You bore the life out of me.

Because you don't understand me.

You don't understand anything about

me, my work, my job, my dreams, anything.

I don't want to anymore.

I used to want to, but I don't now.

There's nothing.

We have nothing.

This marriage is dead.

And I don't want it.

You are dead to me.

You have been a long time

dead to me, you know that?

I've tried to make my

effort, but you do nothing.

f*ck off, effort.

f*cking effort?

This sh*t, you call this sh*t effort?

This f*cking effort?

That's an effort I made.

That is an effort?

Dead flowers from the f*cking

petrol station are you taking the piss?

And where is your effort then?

Here.

This f*cking house

that I keep clean for you.

Dinner, the fridge is full.

I did everything for you.

The f*cking clothes you're

wearing, they're clean because of me.

No one else is going to pick up after you.

You treat me like I'm your f*cking mum.

I'm not your mum.

I'm your wife.

You don't treat me like I'm

your wife though, do you?

Huh?

Other than the flowers, when was

the last nice thing you've done for me?

When?

When was the last nice

thing you've done for

me other than bringing them f*cking flowers

that look like they've just nicked

them off of someone's grave?

Huh?

What have you?

Oh, oh, here we go.

Showing your true colours are you?

You stupid little man.

You're a f*cking prick, mate.

f*ck off.

Keep the f*cking sh*t, the

f*cking flowers and f*ck off.

I f*cking hate you, do you know that?

[music playing]

[creaky door opens]

[phone dialing tone]

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Yeah.

Listen, I think I'm going to leave him.

Yeah, I think I'm leaving him.

I've had enough.

I literally, I can't do this anymore.

I can't do all this running around.

When he's here, I just feel so unhappy.

I just, I can't, I can't do this anymore.

I just want to leave him and

come, like, be with you, stay with you.

If you don't mind, I just feel terrible.

Yes, it's so bad.

He just threw a f*cking

bunch of flowers at me.

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

It's just a shock because he's never

really been aggressive before, but...

I don't want to stay

with him that long that

he starts clocking on to what's going on.

Do you know what I mean?

Thank you.

I know, I know.

I'm here for you as well, I know

you don't feel like that at the moment.

I just feel like all I'm doing is ringing,

venting about my life when I just need to

pack my bags and get the f*ck out of here

because I've never seen

him like he was tonight.

He was so aggressive tonight.

I just, he looked different.

His eyes looked different.

sh*t.

I'm so sorry.

I hope he's not listening.

sh*t.

The f*cking door was open.

I hope he's not been listening.

[door slams loudly]

I'm sorry.

[dramatic music intensifies]

[fly buzzing]

[man swats at air]

[man sighs in frustration]

[fly is swatted]

[dramatic music]

[door closes in the distance]

What are you doing?

Putting the table in

the centre of the room.

Why?

Because tonight I want

to have a party here.

Why are we having a party?

Yeah, we will do...

But why?

I want to invite some friends.

Can you be so kind and help me?

No.

Can you please help me with the table?

No, no, I can't.

You can do it yourself.

Go on.

You want me to scratch the floor?

You're a big independent man, aren't you?

You want me to scratch the floor?

Whatever.

f*cking have it.

You can't do anything yourself, can you?

You're welcome.

Thank you.

[chairs pushed across floor]

Who have you got coming anyway?

I'll call Paul, Harry, maybe your friend?

Huh?

Your new friend.

What's her name again?

You know what her name is.

[chair bangs loudly]

You're stupid?

Why are you talking

to me like that as well?

You're talking to me

like you're patronising me.

What do you mean?

You're talking to me different.

I don't like it.

That's my way of talking.

If you don't like it, shut your ears.

What's happened to you?

[chair bangs loudly]

Do you see what I mean?

Stop banging our stuff.

We haven't got the

money to pay for anything.

Why are you banging our stuff?

It's a bring your own booze party.

Bring your own booze party.

And what are you providing then?

I'm providing entertainment.

Yeah, of course you are.

You're well entertaining, aren't you?

It's such a nice day, why

are we stuck in this house?

Do you know what I mean?

I just can't be bothered.

Do you have plans for the evening maybe?

I would have had plans, yeah.

You've ruined them as usual.

Or plans for tomorrow?

No, no plans.

We never have plans.

Thanks to you.

You're not going anywhere?

No.

I wish I was.

[suspenseful music builds]

You know, I think you're

not going anywhere.

I'm not?

[man pants quietly]

[stabbing sound]

[woman groans in pain]

[intense music rises]

[stabbing sound]

[woman cries out]

[stabbing sound]

[dramatic music swells]

[faucet running]

[creaky window opens]

[traffic noise outside]

[intense music rises]

[soft peeling sound]

Hey Paul.

How are you doing?

Yeah, not bad, you know.

The usual.

Yeah, yeah, I've heard.

Listen, tonight are you free?

Great, because I'm hosting

a little party here, my place.

Yeah, it would be fun.

Just, yeah, dress up a bit.

We're doing a theme party.

Yeah, you know the theme, right?

Okay, like six?

Good.

Yeah.

I'll see you later.

Bye, bye.

[clock ticking]

Hey, Henry.

How are you doing, mate?

Yeah, good.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I

saw him this morning, yeah,

it was a challenge, you

know, him, it's really...

He has his own ideas about

my field of study, you know.

Yeah, okay, sorry, I was

not talking about that, I was...

I'm hosting a party tonight.

Come on, come on, you have to be here.

f*ck it, you have to be here, I

mean, everybody will be here.

Yeah.

Okay, 6.30, and that's it.

Great, and it's a theme party, yeah?

And the theme will be, guess what?

Napoleon.

We will have fun, okay,

I'll see you later, bye, bye.

[soft music playing]

[dial tone]

Hey, Sophie.

Yeah, it's me, it's Julian.

Marianne's husband, Julian.

We briefly met, I think, last week, was it?

Yeah, Marianne is busy and

she asked me to invite you.

We throw a party

tonight, 6.30 at our place.

She would love you to be here.

Yeah, whatever, don't

worry, we'll find a way.

Yeah, great.

So I'll see you later.

Okay, bye.

[dramatic intense music]

[doorbell buzzes]

[mumbled greetings]

Here you go! Thank you for inviting.

Thank you!

Good wine.

Yeah please shoes off.

Otherwise Marianne would k*ll me.

How are you?

Fine thank you.

How are you?

Yeah, ups and downs.

But that's life. Isn't it?

Where can I put my jacket?

On the chair there. Pretty simple.

Just here?

Yeah.

Hey mate.

How're you doing emperor Julian?

Yeah, yeah. I'm doing well.

And you?

Not too bad. Overworked as usual.

That's how it goes.

Yeah. I know.

Monday to Sunday we work. Right?

Monday to Sunday! We never stop working.

Yeah and then repeat, repeat and repeat.

Not tonight hopefully. No work tonight.

You never know.

We will see.

See if you give me any

tasks to do this evening.

Am I going to be doing the washing up?

Dear colleague what should

we give him as a task tonight?

Oh, dear colleague, I

think maybe a task of

a toast?

A toast?

Wow

Speech?

Speech is quite advanced, I would say.

Yeah because...

A toast, okay.

Well let's start with a toast

and let's see how it will pan out.

I'm moving up in the world.

Yeah, you might. Take a seat, please.

Don't be shy.

I will move your coat there.

Yeah.

So, what's new?

Nothing much.

Just, yeah, everything is good at home.

Just excited to be here, I guess, yeah.

And thank you for inviting us.

It feels like a big step,

you know, coming around.

Yeah, true. For you,

it's the first time here.

It is the first time.

True, you have been here already.

Yes, I've been here a lot of times.

Not a lot of times.

You should have warned me, I think.

No, there's nothing to warn about.

It's okay.

But what about the wine?

Wine.

Yes.

You might as well.

Yeah.

Yeah, so, I hope you like it.

It's not the same as normally,

that I normally drink, but...

I'd say it's different.

But... Let's try it.

It's drinkable.

It is.

I mean, really.

Yeah.

I'll trust a friend of ours

opinion on wine, I think.

Oh, really? You want me

to put it away and be safe?

No, that's okay. I'll let you try it.

You take the risk?

We can experiment.

You take the risk?

Okay, I've got a knife to help me.

Marianne not joining us?

Yeah, I was just going to ask.

Oh, she had, like...

She had to visit her family for

something that happened quite suddenly.

So, yeah, she will not be here, I guess.

Is it serious?

No, no, I mean, it's one of these things

that can happen with

her sister-in-law and...

I mean, we can do this

another day, if you want.

No, but, you know, I started the whole

machinery, so I say, you know what?

Let's keep it and maybe

she will make it on time.

I mean, it's just half an hour drive, so

maybe she will be able to come back.

Well, I hope everything...

I feel a bit guilty enjoying

this part without her.

I know, I know, but you know her.

She gives me a lot of freedom, so...

Let's take it.

Enjoy the privilege.

Yeah.

So, who wants to have

the honor of the first tasting?

Well, I think the host should.

Ooh, and then you pour it.

You're delegating tasks already.

Yeah.

It didn't take you long, is it?

And I choose him because he's experienced.

Experienced? Yeah. Okay.

So yeah.

Sir?

I think so, yeah.

Do I have a choice?

No.

I'll take that then.

Okay, ready?

Whoa.

No spillage, okay.

You definitely chose the right person.

You see?

Okay. Thank you.

One little drop there.

But, but, okay.

We'll take it off the tip.

The host approves.

Thank you.

Oh, you owe me money.

Do I?

Yeah!

You never drink before the one who pours.

Is that true?

It is true.

Are you making this up?

No.

If I pour, you have to

wait until I take the first sip.

Is that true?

Yes. It's true.

So you owe me money.

How much?

Let's say a hundred pounds.

Really?

Cheers.

To a hundred pounds!

Next time I'm choosing a drink.

And, okay, we're also not being so

gallant because we're missing a guest.

Sophie, she will come in probably

ten minutes, fifteen minutes.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Not bad.

So are you a regular cook?

I would say that Marianne

does the heavy lifting on cooking.

And she's not in tonight, so.

So it's mainly drinking tonight.

No, because I will surprise

you, I prepared pizza delivery.

Oh, wow, okay.

Handmade by some pizza guy down the street.

The expert on French

Napoleon ordering Italian pizza.

But I mean, you can't go

wrong with Italian, can you?

Exactly.

There's a reason why

Napoleon invaded Italy, yeah.

It was for the pizza, actually.

He decided to get the

secret of the recipe, yeah.

Exactly, exactly.

Well, no complaints from me.

Can I borrow your toilet?

Yeah, in the other way.

So, how are things?

Good, busy as usual.

It's that time of year,

I'm afraid... that's

exams, exams, exams.

Well, I'm not the one

taking the exams anymore,

so I'm privileged, I feel lucky about that.

About a year ago, I was

going through the same

stress that the students

are going through now.

It's good to be on the other side, I think.

So now you can take

revenge on them, or what?

Oh, is that your advice?

I would say so.

I mean, in life, you have to

seize all the chances you have.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's your chance.

That's my chance, of course.

Julian?

Yes?

I have a question for you.

sh**t.

Have you been doing some decorating?

No.

Can you please tell me what is this?

It's a present.

A present yeah?

It wasn't here before last time I was here.

No, I sort of opposed to

this, but then at the end

of the day I said, you

know what, it can be useful.

[doorbell chimes]

That should be Sophie!

Hey, hello.

Hi Julian, hello.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Very kind of you.

Thank you for inviting me.

Marianne was really looking

forward to meeting you.

Yeah?

Oh, lovely.

Do you like it?

Yeah it's very... It's very nice pictures.

So we have reinforcements arriving.

Hello.

Sophie.

Hi.

Sophie.

Would you like a drink?

Yes.

Marianne, where is she?

She had to leave unexpectedly to her

sister-in-law, but she

will be back most likely.

Okay.

So we decided to go on anyway.

Yeah.

So cheers.

Cheers.

Take a seat.

What was your name again?

Sophie.

Henry?

Yes!

And...

Paul.

Yeah, Paul.

So how do you know Marianne?

From yoga, I think.

Okay, wow.

Yeah, I think.

Yoga?

Yeah.

You go along?

No, we just met a few months back and we

just started talking and

we've just been going

out for coffees and

stuff, but it's just like...

You know, Marianne was always

telling me about this Sophie

friend of hers, and so Sophie,

Sophie, and now she materialises.

Wow.

Well, it's a shame she couldn't be here.

Yeah, most likely she will.

And do you know he's a

colleague of mine from university?

Yeah.

And he teaches... math!

Oh, what an interesting subject.

It is interesting.

Many people don't find it

interesting, but it is important.

It is important.

Yes, because?

It's the language of the universe...

And you need it to buy

stuff and money and...

Well, it's not boring.

No, I know.

But the boring people need

their fun too, don't they?

Yeah, and what do you do?

I do Julian's work.

I'm a research assistant.

Yeah.

Which means I do all

the boring stuff, I guess.

So all the maths.

Essentially.

The maths and the books, the history.

Yeah, all the history.

He's a very much appreciated team player.

You're being a bit too kind now.

I'll take you for a drink now.

To be a load of drinks.

So, yeah.

When will Marianne be here?

I think she will be back any soon.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's enjoy this time.

And I can vouch for these gentlemen.

They're really fine people.

You sound like party animals.

Couple more glasses and then we will see...

Yeah!

By the time we open a new bottle perhaps.

Yeah, absolutely.

Cheers for the lovely party.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Okay, let's play

O'snap.

O'snap?

I don't remember the rules exactly, but.

Let's cut.

Okay.

So, we each get

seven cards.

And then

we put this in.

And then, just

absolutely chaotic.

If you have four, we can go up and down.

Four or two. And then you just

slam it on. And when you have no cards

left, you say,

O'snap.

And then, yeah.

The other one has to drink.

Are you allowed to see the cards?

Yeah, so it's just like.

Ah!

Because then.

No, no.

It has to be a five.

A five or a three. It has to match.

So, if you don't have a card,

you can't drink it. And

then we just pick up.

Okay.

But it's just chaos. So, the first one

who gives all the cards away.

Okay.

Is it your turn?

No, it's nobody's turn. It's just chaos.

Can I do that one? Yeah.

I'll do this.

That's a letter.

What?

Can I do that one? No. Why?

Because it has to be a two or

a king.

Really? Yeah. This is

quite complicated, isn't it?

No! Talking about kings.

Wow.

Trust you, Julian.

Did I tell you that this is a

theme party? No.

And the theme is.

You?

Napoleon.

Okay. Wow.

Well, appreciated, Julian.

It's much appreciated.

Okay.

Wow.

You see? Talking about April's new clothes.

Wow. And I have also

a little speech to introduce

the theme of the evening.

If you may allow me.

So, I would like to bring you

with me in the path of

history through four

epic battles that

made Napoleon famous

as a strategist.

Okay. First one.

The Battle of Marengo.

North of Italy.

You should know it, right, Paul?

The students always

miss it, right?

It was the first big battle Napoleon won.

And he won it because

he was courageous

to hold the Austrians

until the reinforcements arrived.

Everyone else would have said,

you know what, it's enough. I will retreat.

He stood his ground

and he

won the battle and it was the first

big defeat of the Austrians

in the north of Italy.

Second battle.

Battle of

Auster.

Hey, I'm off the clock.

Ah, you see? 1805.

This is

the big battle where Napoleon

deceived the Russians

and the Austrians,

feinting weakness on his left flank,

luring them to attack

him there and having

hidden troops going right through

in the middle of the enemy,

getting high ground and from there

the musketeers wiping off

the whole army.

Deception as the art of w*r.

Third battle.

Jena-Auerstedt.

180...

Yeah, you haven't studied Paul. 1806.

Yeah, sorry, I forgot.

Here, Prussia

is the enemy.

And here Napoleon does

what no one else before him did.

He keeps all his troops

mobile, all his troops

unpredictable. He creates chaos

and then he navigates

through it to flank

the opponent and to smash it.

And this leads us to

one of the last

great wins of Napoleon.

The battle of

Wagram, 1809.

I'm sure you know that, Paul.

I know this one.

What's the enemy here?

What did you tell us, Julian?

The Austrians, of course.

It's 1809.

And here,

Napoleon, for the first time in history,

he decides to go

with a very bold move.

Instead of spreading his a*tillery

on the front of the battle,

he compresses it to

what he calls

La Grande Patrie,

which is in the middle of the stage

and flying through the

middle of the Prussians

and getting through them

and from there splitting

and creating panic and winning

in a matter of one or two hours,

according to some historians.

And with that,

I would like to conclude

with a toast

to the biggest strategist

that the world has ever seen.

To Napoleon Bonaparte.

To Napoleon.

Cheers.

But I think I've interrupted

something here.

No, we were just playing a game.

I think it was worth the

interruption, Julian, actually.

Thank you so much for that remark.

Any excuse for you, Julian,

to steal something.

And if you're curious to know more

about any of these battles

I am all ears...

That is one heck of an offer.

It's just not really my thing.

What's your thing, then?

Math?

No, absolutely not.

Things aren't that bad, truly.

No, like living life.

Like living in the present.

But you know that the past

teaches us how to live the present, right?

Yes, absolutely.

That's why we study the past.

Yeah.

It's very good and I

appreciate everyone who does that.

It might just not be

me...

But...

Yeah.

So, Paul, aren't you exposing yourself

too much with the horse

close to the pole?

Strategy is your defense.

It is, you're right.

And when is

Miriam coming?

As I said,

she will be here any moment.

What if I give her a call?

Be my guest.

That would be a good idea.

And in the meanwhile, let's move the table

and let's

dance?

Dance?

We've arrived at that point of the evening.

I don't know about me dancing,

but let's move the table.

Or as they would say

in Napoleon's time,

I'ensemble est festivit.

[music crescendos]

Ah, she must have dropped it.

I will give it to her.

Okay. She's not picking up

the phone, no?

No, she will be busy, I told you.

So, let's dance, we said.

Some music.

I might just be

relaxing over here.

But you can dance.

Oh, I can dance.

Let's see the historical...

Let's do historical dancing.

Historical dancing?

Can I see something from...

Back then, there only did couple dancing.

Oh, couple dancing?

So, remember, good.

Position one is good.

That's position one.

And then remember,

left leg goes front.

Left, right.

So, one, two, three.

Left, back.

Left, back.

Three steps.

I'm out of time already!

Let's do it again. Left, back.

Three steps.

So, chin up...

Left, back.

Left, back.

Three steps.

One, two, three.

Rotation, shoulder, shoulder.

Change.

Rotation, other shoulder.

Well done. And then

back the three steps.

One, two, three.

And stop.

And now it's your turn.

No.

Now math and geometry go together.

We have set the ballroom up for you.

I think it is your turn.

Really?

There's a space for you on the floor.

Yeah.

Okay.

We've shown you how it's done.

I think.

I will guide you.

Three, two, one.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

Three steps.

One, two, three.

And rotate.

And change.

And back.

One, two, and three.

Woo!

Yeah, voila!

Natural, aren't they?

Natural, yeah.

And this was movement one of ten.

No.

Let's show the second movement!

Come here.

I think I need more to drink before we...

Yeah.

[dramatic music swells]

So let's play a little strategy game.

So.

Black is you.

And you play as France.

You don't want to play French?

No, I'll play Prussian this time.

Okay.

Let's see what we can do.

So.

Henry.

Lay out your army.

Okay.

How would you do that?

These are the musketeers.

This is heavy cavalry.

This is light cavalry.

And this is...

This is you.

And this, we don't use it.

Could be reinforcements.

And these

are the artilleries.

Cannons.

Oh, cannons. Okay.

Yeah.

What are these?

These is the light cavalry.

And this is the heavy one.

You have the upside down

of a smiling face.

That's a very cute remark.

No clue what we're doing here.

Very cute remark, but

probably as a strategist

I would not say that.

But be my guest.

Okay.

So that's your final disposition.

Yeah.

What's this light cavalry?

This is the light cavalry.

Okay.

Great.

So.

You are too far from your men.

No.

They will lose your courage.

They will lose your inspiration.

And they will just be crumbled

by my cavalry going here

without any possibility for you

to have time to go all over here

to contrast me.

So most likely these will flee.

These will be late.

I will be back here and

crumble your cannons

which are not defended by anyone.

You are trying to get here.

And at that point

I will just go all over

with my rest of the army.

And it's a chaos and you're over.

Well, to be honest, you don't know that

because

you just destroyed my entire army

with two horses.

That's unrealistic.

Could be realistic.

Napoleon did it already

because if you are not having

cavalry covering both flanks

you're gone.

Because these can go there in a second.

So can I try to explain?

Let's try with Paul.

Paul, how would you do that?

I think I need alcohol for this.

I like a square.

Maybe a square.

And who's my...

Who am I defending? This fellow?

Yeah, that's you.

I have...

That's not who you are

defending. That's you.

The general of your army.

I want to stay defended though.

Is that a weakness?

I'll have the light cavalry

next to my generals.

So you just have a standard warfare system

going here.

I might decide to change

according to what he does.

But there's no changing.

No.

But you wouldn't know

what your opponent does.

You would see what the other

party is doing

and you can rearrange a bit.

But let's suppose I'm like this.

What does it do when they lay down?

It shoots.

I don't know.

I think it kills them, I guess.

These are cannons, right?

Yeah, they are cannons.

But they don't move, I guess.

The cannons are too slow to move

when the battle has started.

And like this,

you did a very smart thing.

You're really firing

against your own troops.

So maybe you hit a bit of this.

Maybe you hit a bit of this.

And people will say, who the f*ck are you

fighting with?

I don't see it.

Maybe Sophie will be much...

Sometimes you have to make...

I go now.

Maybe you have luck.

So you defeated my army with two horses.

You defeated your own army.

Exactly.

I don't know if you can win at this game.

So if I...

Yeah.

Okay.

So these are cannons?

These are cannons.

Okay.

Okay.

So I'm...

Hold my drink.

Okay.

So...

If...

No, no.

You're done.

I'm doing a sneak attack on you.

This is me.

Apparently

if I'm not close to my men...

I've infiltrated

yours.

Wow, that's science fiction

or is it strategy?

So this is me.

But this one

is a walkie-talkie with me.

A walkie-talkie in 1805.

Yeah.

It's getting better and better.

You know the thing where you have

it on your ear and there's a string?

That's what we have.

And where does the cable go?

Underground.

It's tripwire.

As soon as you move, everything explodes.

Except my men because they're...

There we go.

Wow, I surrender to your wit

and your strategy and your smartness.

Yes.

Right away.

Good.

Well done.

Who should have known,

Julian is defeated by a woman.

Yes. With a walkie-talkie.

Yeah.

In 1805.

Maybe I invented it?

Well done.

Okay, now you propose the next game.

Well, we can play...

Oh, snap!

[soft piano music playing]

Hey, not this door.

The toilet is the next one down there.

Sorry.

No problem.

How was the head of department

meeting, by the way, Julian?

It went...

You know Mark.

He's asking me to

shift my focus

to the Industrial Revolution.

Yeah?

And I stood my ground

and I said... no.

You said no?

Yeah.

So I guess that from 1st of January

you'll work with the new professor.

You're joking, right Julian?

No.

It's fine, I'll find something else.

So this is it?

This is...

Is this why you found this party?

No, that's not the reason.

But...

Go to the toilet and we talk later, okay?

So Henry...

Sophie.

Tell me about the maths.

Tell me about your evening.

Well, it's interesting.

Interesting is a good word.

It's a good word.

It's weird.

It is weird.

When is she coming?

Who? Marianne?

I don't know.

I mean, normally when she's

here it's a bit more normal.

Okay.

So you don't think this is normal?

Well, of course not.

Have you seen this part?

It is a bit unique.

Okay, yeah.

I have to say...

When I have parties...

I don't dress up as...

Historical.

Napoleon?

No, okay.

There tends to be a theme to these parties.

Okay.

Today is Napoleon.

He's a bit fanatic.

Were you told the theme?

Well, I was told the theme.

But to be honest, I didn't want it...

Because...

I didn't...

So you didn't bother doing it.

So that means...

You would dress up as well.

In the beginning I would dress up, yes.

But honestly it's...

Would you all be the same person?

I mean, normally Julian would pick

what we should dress up as.

Okay.

He would always come as Napoleon.

And then he would pick

other historic figures.

Okay.

So like the battle game,

you would be people that are less than...

Yeah.

So...

You get used to it.

But I salute you.

For your strategy.

Thank you.

And also for your

patience for this evening.

And I invented the walkie-talkie.

You invented the walkie-talkie!

Who knew?

[dramatic music]

Anyway.

Tell me a little bit about yourself.

My favourite subject.

Me.

Careful, the paintings are...

There.

I bet they are.

They normally are.

Julian.

Julian, Julian.

The man, the myth.

The legend.

I don't know where the man

starts and the legend ends.

Julian Bonaparte.

Sophie, you don't really

know Julian.

And that's

something we're all going

to have to get to know.

You've thrown it all

away, haven't you, Julian?

This...

This ego.

The ego

that you've presented, that we've all

had to deal with, Julian.

And you've...

You've thrown it all away, haven't you?

You've thrown it all away.

And for what?

For this pride you have?

For this ego?

For this stack of cards?

Which you've pushed down

yourself, haven't you, Julian?

I think we can all see that

we know what's going

to be happening, Julian.

We know that it's not going to be good.

I think it's time you start being

honest with everyone, Julian.

About how things are really going.

Because...

So far, it's not really been working well,

has it, Julian?

Julian Bonaparte.

Where does the myth end?

When you close the book,

does your story stop?

I don't think you know

where the line ends, Julian.

I think we need to maybe

start having a little think

about what we're doing, alright, Julian?

Because your fantasy

is starting to impede...

I think you drank too much,

so I'll bring you to the sofa here

so that you can relax

and we can maybe play some cards again.

Let's play cards.

Yeah, good idea, good idea.

I will go. Powder my nose.

Just sit here by the table.

Paul, you want to join?

No, it's fine. You can go without me.

[dramatic intense music]

Is all okay?

Yeah.

Is everything alright with you?

It is.

Thank you, sir.

So, costumes...

Do you keep them in there?

No, this is the bedroom.

So, none of your business.

Yes, none of my business.

Absolutely.

Wonderful.

Yes.

But where do you keep them?

There.

In there?

Alright, how many do you have?

I have two.

Okay.

One from 1777

and one from 1812.

Alright.

Yeah.

Locks?

Just...

Usually they go on the inside, no?

Let's go on.

Are you always asking so many

questions to the people you don't know?

[dramatic music builds]

Thank you.

What's with all these long faces?

I'm just getting tired.

Should we spice things up?

Wine?

You have a weird way of

spicing things up, do you know?

This isn't a surprise for you, is it?

Let's start with wine.

And I'll have another

big surprise for later then.

Alright.

[dramatic music builds]

Madam?

Oh, oh.

Thank you.

Sir?

Do you want more alcohol

or do you have enough?

Well, the bottle is open now, Julie.

Thank you, Julie.

Cheers.

Cheers.

[dramatic music intensifies]

I'm going to go get some more pizza.

I'm sorry I could not afford

to buy something different,

but I have to be careful

with my expenses now.

Since things have changed a bit in my life.

Haven't you told them already, Paul?

I think that's your job, Julian.

And that's your story, isn't it?

I've lost my job.

This morning.

Are you okay?

I don't know what to say.

That's the best you can say? Are you okay?

What do you think? Am I okay?

I don't know what to say.

I'm just going to...

Yeah...

We know you've been

under a lot of stress, Julian.

It's been hard on you recently.

Maybe this is for the best?

Maybe this is a good thing.

A good thing? How could

that possibly be a good thing?

Well, now that you've got time,

you can work on your relationship.

Oh yeah. On my relationship.

We know that it's been hard.

So maybe having some

time off can be a time together.

That's what you need.

Well, yeah. So I will have

to focus on my relationship.

Try to improve it.

To get it on its feet again.

Yeah.

I mean, that sounds like a plan.

It's possible. I mean,

you've got to try, Julian.

And then when you've done that,

maybe you can go back to the university.

You know?

[dramatic score builds steadily]

What are you looking for?

I was just wondering, maybe

we should call it a night, yeah?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You sit down.

Now.

So I think somebody found Marianne.

You want to say something?

I told you to stay away

from the bedroom, right?

Julian.

What are you doing?

[single g*nsh*t]

Julian, what the f*ck are

you doing, you f*cking psycho?

So now you know it's a real g*n.

And now you know that I can do it.

So it's up to you to

collaborate or to go against me.

Listen, put down the g*n, okay? Please.

Otherwise?

Otherwise, just please.

This is not you, man, okay?

No, you're right. It's not me anymore.

It's something about... it's

something bigger than me.

We're not talking anymore

about chit-chat or petty things.

We're talking about my life purpose.

We're talking about my career.

My whole research.

20 years, wiped out.

Julian, honestly, you need help.

Okay?

Now, please.

Just let her go, okay?

She has nothing to do with this.

She, she, okay?

You got me.

She's the one who put Marianne against me.

She's one of her friends always chatting

and saying that I'm a bad husband.

That I'm not worth it.

That's the reason why...

Julian, it's been like that for years.

Marianne wanted to leave me, you know?

No.

You knew that.

And you are the reason

because she wanted to leave me.

No, no, no...

Julian.

No, no.

Point the g*n to me, okay?

Just point the g*n to me and let her go.

And I heard a phone call.

She was calling somebody.

And this somebody invited her to his place.

To start a life together.

A fresh start, he said.

Who that person was in your opinion?

Julian, I honestly don't know

what you're talking about, okay?

Now please, put down your g*n.

You're a coward, admit it!

[woman murmurs, inaudible]

We won't say anything.

[woman murmurs]

We'll just leave.

And...

And we won't tell anyone.

What are you saying?

She's saying...

I know what she's saying.

Can't you understand irony?

So what's the plan, Julian?

The plan is that you admit that

you had an affair with Marianne.

And you admit that you

guided her towards leaving me.

That's the plan.

Julian, I can't admit to

anything that's not true.

It's all in your head, okay?

You need help.

Now please, put down the g*n.

And we can get through this, okay?

But please, just let her go.

Let her walk away from this.

Let's play a game.

[rising suspense]

Pick one.

Pick one!

You know, sometimes life is a

matter of opportunity and of chance.

Show it to me.

That's sad, isn't it?

No, no, no.

Julian.

No, please.

Now, admit it.

Die as a noble person.

Tell it.

No, hey, no.

He's not.

I can't admit it, Julian.

I can't admit it to

anything that's not true.

It's not him.

Then who?

It's not anyone you know.

It's just... it's just some

guy from the gym...

It's not even...

[single g*nsh*t]

[dramatic music swells]

I'm sorry.

What?

Why are you doing this?

[dramatic music intensifies]

Napoleon once said, the

b*ttlefield is the realm of chaos,

and the winner is the one

who masters the chaos.

He is, or his opponents.

[metallic thud]

So, the rookie won in

this little strategy game?

It's hard to believe, right?

Give me that g*n?

No.

Give me that g*n.

Get... get down!

Get away.

Give me the g*n.

Good girl.

You don't want to k*ll me.

[woman sobs]

Give me the g*n.

[woman sobs]

No.

[single g*nsh*t]

[man mutters indistinctly]

[g*n clatters to the floor]

[single g*nsh*t]

[g*n clatters to the floor]

And so this is what remains.

The borders shift like sand in

the wind while my name endures.

They call me Tyrant, Conqueror, Emperor.

Each name a burden upon my shoulders.

Each battle a step upon

the mountain of history.

I did not shape destiny.

I forged it as one forges steel in a fire.

These men were weak when I rose.

I gave them purpose.

I gave them unity.

And for that, they cheated me.

They crowned me.

But men are fickle.

They adore a rising sun, but they

turn their back to it when it sets.

The same voices that once

chanted vive I'Empereur

and our whispering of disgrace and ruin.

They say that ambition consumed me.

That Moscow was my folly.

Waterloo my disgrace.

They are fools.

What great man ever

lived without daring, without

risking everything for a

vision greater than himself?

I stood before kings and humbled them.

I bent the will of nations.

I shaped laws that will outlast my bones.

My banners may fall.

My empire may crumble.

But tell me this.

Who will forget my name?

My enemies may write history, but they

will write it with my name upon their lips.

Even in chains, I'm greater than

the ones who cast them upon me.

Even alone, I'm still the

great Napoleon Bonaparte.

[man hits the ground with a thud]

[dramatic score in background]

Okay, this is kind of good.