01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

- A loft in Los Angeles

in Silver Lake, to be exact

a neighborhood that has

recently been bougie-afied.

The walls of this loft have

watched two people

enjoying each other's bodies

and company all morning.

[upbeat classical music]

♪

One is in her 20s

and a l*sbian.

This is Hattie.

The other, Lorraine, is not

in her 20s or a l*sbian.

♪

But their orientations

are not important.

What is important

is why we are here.

We are in Lorraine's

overpriced loft,

because Hattie has found

a new and creative way

to screw up her life.

Hattie.

More about Hattie later.

All about Hattie,

in fact.

- What you got going on today?

- I'ma try to get

some writing done.

- Take "try to"

out of the sentence.

- You right.

- Yo, are you sure you can't

come to Center Sphere with us?

- There is nothing

I'd rather not do.

I hate that hipster sh*t.

- Well, can you at least give

me a ride home then?

- You've got to wait for me to

finish my lotion regimen.

- Can't you make an exception

and slap on

some Jergens instead?

- No, I cannot.

- Hey, man, can you hurry up?

Be ashy, sh*t.

I like ash.

You know what I'm saying?

It adds character

really and truly

you know what I'm saying?

Like you've been through

some things,

look like you done

experienced life.

You don't need a "regiment."

Two pumps, that's all you need,

for real.

- Yeah yeah ♪

- Ah ha I got Melanin ♪

- Oh yeah ♪

- I got Melanin ♪

- You mad ♪

- We got Melanin ♪

Melanin Melanin ♪

Ah ha I ♪

[engine shuts off]

- What the

That's my sh*t.

[dramatic music]

♪

What the hell?

- Were you late

with your rent again?

- Yeah, but I'm always late.

I was gonna pay it tomorrow.

- You can't just pay your rent

whenever you feel like it.

- Yeah, can you not come at me

right now?

Man, yo.

You got to be a heartless b*tch

to throw a vintage "Waiting to

Exhale" T-shirt on the street.

[whining]

I got this in Tokyo.

- Well, don't worry.

'Cause something great

always happens

after you hit rock bottom.

- [whining]

So this is rock bottom?

- I would hope so.

Do you need me to drop you off

someplace?

- No, I just want to sit here

and be alone with my thoughts.

- Okay.

- Hey, you think I could stay

at your crib for a while?

- Moving in is what couples do.

And we're just having fun.

- Now I've hit rock bottom.

- Listen,

I will call you later.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪

- Hey, Ma.

How you doing?

- I've been better.

Your aunt tried to

come for me yesterday.

- What?

- Came to my house

talking crazy.

- Yeah, that's why I stopped

talking to her a long time ago.

- Well, trust me.

I'm about to follow suit.

Oh, and your cousin got shot

in his good leg last week.

- Which cousin?

- The Muslim one.

- Ma, he ain't Muslim.

He just don't eat pork.

[laughter]

- Well, whatever he is,

somebody shot him.

And his mother want me to come

to the hospital to see him,

but I don't know him like that.

- Yeah, I know.

- How are you?

- I'm fine.

- You still messing

with that straight b*tch?

- Lorraine's not straight.

- Well, what is she, bisexual?

- She doesn't

believe in labels.

- Oh, so she like

that Janelle Monáe girl?

- Yeah, Ma.

Just like that.

All right, Ma,

the girls just pulled up.

I got to go.

Love you.

Bye.

[hip-hop music]

♪

- I'm calling it

how I see it ♪

These []

be fake winning ♪

Now where they wanna

be quiet ♪

So it's loud as []

in my session ♪

I feel my blood

is up in a light year ♪

- This is what you get.

- Really, Marie?

- Are you okay?

- Thank you, Nia.

I'm fine.

- Where's your little

girlfriend?

- Don't put "little"

in front of it.

- Why didn't she stay with you?

- 'Cause she had to go to work.

- You could have been

r*ped or k*lled.

- In Toluca Lake?

And who gonna r*pe me, honey,

a dentist?

- This is crazy.

- No.

This is what happens when you

don't pay your rent on time.

- Oh, my God.

This is the first ottoman I

reupholstered for you.

Now it's ruined.

- Yo, who are you calling?

- Chuck, so he can come help us

pack up your sh*t.

- We ain't packing up sh*t,

okay?

We are going to Center Sphere.

I am ready to get my life from

"All About Eve."

- You just got evicted,

and you're trying to go sit on

the grass and watch a movie?

- Yes, b*tch.

[funky music]

- La-la la-la-la ♪

La-la la-la-la ♪

- Why did Lorraine have to rush

to work?

Doesn't she work for herself?

- She works for a lot of

people, actually.

She runs people's websites

and sh*t.

She can't just not show up

because I got put out.

- How hard is it to make

a website?

And who even has websites

anymore?

- Marie, be nice.

- I just want you to stop

dating these basic b*tches

that treat you like a pit stop

on the way to dating

some wack-a*s dude

with a wave cap

and ashy ankles.

- Sexuality is fluid.

- Yeah, but if she don't want

to end up with you,

what is the point?

- It's okay.

It's about preferences.

You go through seasons.

You, like

- But you always dating people

in a straight season.

Why don't you just date

another g*y girl?

- Are you guys just gonna act

like you don't see

this engagement ring

on my finger?

- Who proposed to you?

- I did.

- Oh, Lord.

- I bought it as an early

birthday present for myself.

- Wait.

[laughs]

Is this like that black chick

in Atlanta

that married herself?

[laughter]

- No.

It's a promise ring, fool.

- And what you promising?

- To remain a virgin

until I find the one.

- But you're not a virgin.

- Aren't I, though?

- No, you aren't.

- Yeah, you told us

you lost your virginity

to some light-skinned dude

named Chauncey

- Chauncey.

- When you was in high school.

- But my hymen

wasn't compromised.

- It still counts.

- Then I promise

to remain celibate

until I find a love like

my favorite couple.

- Oh, the one on the secret

vision board?

- Yep.

- I still don't understand why

we can't see it.

- Because a vision board is

like a birthday wish.

If I show it to you,

my visions won't come true.

- Well, just tell us who

the couple is.

- No.

- Dwayne and Willie.

- [chuckles]

Halle Berry and Sam Jackson

in "Jungle Fever."

[laughter]

- Hell no.

- Look, I have a man

both: We know.

- And I didn't have to use

a vision board to get him.

[phone clicks]

- Everyone falls ♪

In love sometime ♪

both: Sometimes it's wrong ♪

all: And sometimes

it's right ♪

For every win ♪

Someone must fail ♪

But there comes a point

when ♪

When we exhale ♪

Yeah yeah say ♪

Shoop shoop shoop ♪

Shoop be doop shoop shoop ♪

Shoop be doop ♪

All you've got to do

is say ♪

Shoop be doop ♪

- Shoop shoop ♪

Shoop be doop shoop shoop ♪

Shoop be ♪

Shoop be shoop be ♪

Say shoop ♪

Shoop be doop ♪

Doo-doo shoop be ♪

Shoop be ♪

Feels all right ♪

You can say ♪

Oh shoop be doop ♪

♪

- So many things I want to be

for Bill.

Funny business,

a woman's career,

the things you drop on

your way up the ladder

so you can move faster.

Being a woman.

Sooner or later,

we've got to work at it.

No matter how many

other careers

- Why are we always the only

black people here?

- 'Cause, you know black people

don't like being outside.

- I wonder if I can date

a white guy.

- You need to date whoever

willing to put up

with your crazy a*s.

- Just because I'm a firm

believer in safe sex

does not make me crazy.

- Having dudes taking STD tests

and then bringing you

the printed results

with the doctor's signature

at the bottom

is a little crazy.

- I don't see the problem.

- Of course you don't.

And one day you'll wake up

and be 40 and realize

you're still childless

and alone.

- Don't put that

into the universe.

- Yeah, words have power.

- I'm just trying to help.

- Everybody doesn't want

your help, Marie.

- You need it.

- Actually, I don't.

- Oh, so you don't need

somewhere to live?

- That's needing a favor.

That's different.

- Well, if you want to

stay with me,

you need to let me

help you get a job.

- That's cool, but I don't want

some stressful 9:00 to 5:00

that's gonna take me away

from my writing.

- My friend runs Ida B.'s

production company,

and I heard she's still looking

for an assistant.

- I keep forgetting all you

black execs know each other.

- Yeah, 'cause there are

seven of us.

- I love Ida B.

She's a bad b*tch.

- Nah, I'm good on that.

- Hattie, you have been

out here for three years,

and what do you have

to show for it?

- Look, we are living in the

New Black Renaissance, okay?

I'm black and I'm g*y.

Hollywood should be

knocking down my door.

- But while you are

striving for greatness,

why not work for somebody

who has the career

you ultimately want?

- I don't want Ida B.'s career.

"My Bae" is an awful show.

- No, it's not.

- I love that show.

- No, y'all don't.

You could barely get

through first season.

- That is not true.

- Mm-mm.

- What did you like about it?

- I like that

it's about black love.

- And I am just glad it exists.

- Those are not good reasons

to like a show.

- We need to support

black sh*t.

- No, we should support

good sh*t

that just happens to be black.

- If you don't take

the interview,

you can't stay with me.

- Fine, I'll stay with Nia.

- Sorry, boo.

You know I don't like being on

Marie's bad side.

- Ain't that about a b*tch?

[laughs]

[fireworks booming]

[light orchestral music]

♪

- Look, look, look.

♪

[distorted]

That's lit.

[upbeat percussive music]

[birds chirping]

- The first song I sang in

church was a song called

Guide me oh oh oh ♪

Thou ♪

Great Jehovah ♪

- Mm.

- Feed me till I want ♪

No more ♪

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

- She's not gonna be here

that long, I promise.

- Muffin, I like Hattie a lot,

but if she's here,

it's not gonna help

with our dry spell.

- We have sex in the morning

anyway,

and Hattie doesn't wake up

till noon.

- Maybe that's why

she can't keep a job.

- [inhales and exhales]

- So you're good

if Hattie stays?

- Uh, yep.

No, she can stay here as long

as she needs to.

- Uh, uh, okay, well, we're

gonna need to get some lube

if you're gonna do that.

- Well, we're out of

the blueberry stuff.

- I told you to buy some

the last time we were at

the Pleasure Chest.

- Well, I'll just use spit.

- You know saliva

grosses me out.

- You don't have to look at it.

Okay.

[phone chiming

"Halloween Theme"]

- Oh, sh*t, stop.

That's my boss.

I've got to get it.

Hello.

Yes.

No, now is a great time.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

I can do that.

- How are we feeling about

the pocket square?

Is it too much?

- Nah, I like it.

- Jacket or no jacket?

- No jacketyou don't

want to look desperate.

- Yeah, that's true,

but these jeans

are a little too tight,

though.

- They fit perfectly.

- I know, Nia.

I don't want them to.

- Fine.

- Thank you so much for

setting this up.

- Mm, mm, mm.

- Shower her with compliments.

Tell her how much you love

her earlier work.

- Her earlier work was

a struggle, but a'ight.

Thank you.

[light funky music]

♪

[phone chimes]

♪

Yeah, this is it right here.

- Yeah, that's cute.

- Yeah.

All right, well, look, I'ma let

y'all figure out

who gonna pay for what,

and I'ma go get in line.

- Yeah I think

you know that ♪

- Why is she such a hot mess?

- She's just in a valley

right now.

- She needs to hurry up

and get out of it.

- Well, it took you a long time

to get out of yours.

Remember when you and Chuck

went on that break

and you accidentally cut

your bangs too short?

- Yeah, that was a dark period.

- [chuckles]

Your skin looks good.

- Thank, Ni.

- I pay for the shirt,

you pay for the jeans?

- The jeans are more expensive.

- b*tch, I know.

♪

[spacey electronic music]

♪

- [exhales]

[indistinct chatter]

[R&B music]

♪

- The one drags on ♪

And a paradise ♪

Is a place

that everyone should know ♪

- Hey.

- Where wishes and dreams

really do come true ♪

And to prove it

I'll tell where it is ♪

Just to you ♪

- Giving yourself a tour,

I see.

I'm Ida.

- I know.

- I know you know.

I just think it's weird to

shake someone's hand

and not introduce yourself.

- That makes sense.

- Of course it does.

Have a seat.

Not there.

That's my chair.

- Oh.

- You can sit on the couch.

- Oh, my bad.

- It's all good, sis.

So you want to be my assistant.

- That's the job, right?

- Yeah, it doesn't mean

that you wanna do it.

- Oh, no, I definitely

want to do it.

I would love to learn from

someone like you.

I mean, you've accomplished

so much in your career.

It would be an honor

to watch you work.

- How old are you?

- 24.

- Hmm, you're a child.

What do you want to do?

- I want to write for

television.

- Comedy or drama?

- Comedy.

- That last time I sat down

with a comedy writer,

I couldn't stop laughing.

- Ha-haha.

- Let me guess,

you're a big fan of "My Bae."

- How could I not be?

It's a phenomenal show.

- What did you like most

about last season?

- I love when Tariff reads

The Koran to Isabelle

as a way of apologizing for

cheating on her with a dude.

- That happened first season.

- I know, but it was

so memorable.

Like, it feels recent,

you know?

- Ohh, you are so full of sh*t.

- Excuse me?

- See, being

my personal assistant

isn't just a regular job.

You have to be in my home,

in my space.

It means I have to trust you

completely.

- Mm-hmm.

- So I'm gonna do my research.

"'My Bae' is a show about

an accomplished black woman

getting dickmatized

by a Hotep."

- Oh, my God.

- No, don't call on Him now.

You're the one who tweeted it.

- Yeah, like, six years ago.

- I did a deep dive.

"'My Bae' is basically telling

women that they need to find

"a man who isn't afraid

to tell them what to do,

even if that man works

at Radio Shack."

Should I keep going?

- Please don't.

- No, no, no,

last but not least,

"The saddest part

about this show

"is that the people making it

think it's brilliant.

"But the truth is,

the direction is weird,

"the writing is awful,

the acting is a struggle.

"They need somebody

to tell them, 'That ain't it.'

"Well, I guess I've got to be

that somebody.

Dear Ida B.,

this ain't it."

- I'm so sorry.

- Don't apologize.

Just be honest.

- Okay, fine.

I think the show sucks.

And to be honest, you could use

your platform to do a lot more

than just showing a dope black

woman falling in love

with a fake-a*s

Billy D. Williams.

- Well, when you get

your platform,

you can do whatever you like

with it.

I have a feeling in

about ten years

you're gonna be sitting

in a chair

just like the one

I'm sitting in

and a house that

your bad show paid for,

and some girl 20 years

your junior is gonna be sitting

across from you telling you

how to do your job.

- From your lips to God's ears.

- Lupita will see you out.

- The actress?

- The maid.

- Oh.

[funky electronic music]

♪

[funky music]

♪

- I can't believe

you tweeted that.

- I can't believe she stalked

my profile page.

- I know.

- She did what any woman in

her position is supposed to do.

- What happened?

- Ida found some shady tweets

Hattie posted about "My Bae."

- Oh, my God.

I love that show.

♪

- It's cool.

I didn't want that job no way.

- But you need it.

- I'll figure it out.

- Where's Lorraine?

- She had to work late.

- Oh, a website emergency?

- Don't do that.

- Do what?

Stop it.

- What?

I just want everything to be

nice and neat.

- Everything doesn't have to be

nice and neat all the time.

- Relax.

- Don't tell me to relax.

- [scoffs]

Somebody need to.

- You know what, Hattie?

- What?

- You don't want to be

a writer.

- Yes, I do.

- No, because if you wanted to

be a writer,

you'd be writing every day.

If you wanted to be a writer,

you'd be at the WGA

reading scripts.

If you wanted to be a writer,

you wouldn't be tweeting shady

sh*t about a popular show

that you could

potentially work on.

- Don't talk to me

like I'm a child.

- Then don't act like one.

- Why don't you stop

micromanaging my life

and worry about

why you and Chuck

ain't had sex

in three months.

- Ooh.

♪

- [clears throat]

Really, babe?

- Get out.

- I ain't going nowhere.

- Not on my birthday.

♪

Sit.

Both of you need

to take a breath.

♪

- Ben and I are gonna go check

on something in the kitchen.

- Honey, do you need help in

the kitchen?

- No, we got it.

- Okay.

♪

- Look, you can come for me

when it's just us three,

but don't do it in front of

your coworker

and his random

white girlfriend.

- I'm not random.

♪

- Marie,

say you're sorry.

- I'm sorry.

- Hattie.

- Me too.

- Now, can I change

the subject?

- Please.

- I went on a date yesterday.

- Oh.

- What did y'all do?

- We went for coffee.

- That's cute.

- Yeah, it was.

We were laughing.

He was flirting.

His beard was perfect.

He was wearing Invisalign,

which I appreciated.

- Nice.

- And then this fool

asked if we can

split the check.

- Who goes Dutch

on a first date?

- Maybe he was broke.

- Then we should have went

for a walk in the park.

Don't ask me to go on a date

you can't afford.

- Going Dutch isn't that crazy.

- It is if you're Jamaican.

- Why does everything go back

to you being Jamaican?

- Because my mother

and all my aunties

taught me what

it meant to be a lady.

And I was raised to date

a real man,

not some boy that can't afford

to pay for my coffee.

- Mm-hmm.

- Happy birthday ♪

- What?

- To you ♪

- [laughs]

- Happy birthday to you ♪

Happy birthday, dear Nia ♪

Happy birthday to you ♪

- Yay.

You guys are great.

[majestic orchestral music]

♪

[sweeping orchestral music]

♪

[doorbell rings]

♪

- Hi.

- What are you doing here?

Don't make me get my pit.

- Please don't.

Look, there aren't

a lot of black women

doing what you're doing, and

you've opened a lot of doors

for women like me.

As artists, we have the right

to express ourselves

however we want to.

Instead of

celebrating your show,

I threw shade at it,

and for that, I'm deeply sorry.

- Are you done?

- Yes.

- What's the point of

speaking your mind

if you're only gonna

apologize for it?

You were right.

The show could be better.

I just wanted to tell

our love story,

and even though

our love didn't last,

I wanted to make it beautiful.

Look, I pride myself in knowing

what black women want.

And they want nothing more than

to see a strong black man

sweep a black woman

off her feet.

They want a fantasy, so that's

what I try to give them.

Your tweets hurt.

But at least they were honest.

- So is there any chance I

could still be your assistant?

- Hell no.

I gave that job to

a chipper white girl.

But I do need a writers' PA.

- So that means

longer hours and less money.

- Yep.

- I'll take it.

- Great.

You start tomorrow.

And remember,

if you're on time, you're late.

- I got it.

[light music]

♪

- [grunting]

♪

[telephone rings]

- Hello.

- Hey, Ma.

How you doing?

- You know how I'm doing.

I talked to you yesterday.

How are you?

- I'm great.

I just got a job.

- Well, thank you, Jesus.

Well, I hope you got a job

writing on that show "Power."

Ooh, with 50 Cent

and that Omari Hardwick boy,

ooh, honey, they can get it.

And all that shootin'

and killin'.

That's fantastic.

- Nah, I'm not black enough to

write for "Power."

But I did get a writers' PA job

for "My Bae."

- Oh, I can't stand that show.

I fell asleep on that show

three times

trying to watch it.

Well, you know what?

At least you got a job.

'Cause I thought you was gonna

be damn near homeless.

I thought in a minute you was

about to start selling

your a*s for money.

And you know you can't

come back here, right?

I need you to work on

that "Power."

Wherever you've got to get

your blackness, get it.

You make your mama proud.

And then youyou get 50 Cent

my number.

[laughs]

Is that it? I'm trying to

finish up this game.

I've got a lot of people over

here today.

- Yeah, that's it.

- All right, love you.

- I love you too.

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪

[engine grinding]

Damn it.

[Dionne Farris' "Hopeless"]

♪

- Hello morning ♪

Now when does

the fun begin ♪

♪

But see I've cried

just a little too long ♪

And now it's time for me

to move on ♪

They say I'm hopeless ♪

Mm-mm-mm ♪

As a penny

with a hole in it ♪

Penny with a,

penny with a hole in it ♪

Yeah yeah yeah,

they say ♪