02x05 - Breakfast at Julia's

[bunniefuu]

Sam, talk a little bit
about why it's important

for you to get married now.

Man...

I think one of the reasons is I just,
I feel like I'm ready

to share my life with somebody.

I wanna give my energy to one person

and build with one person.

Overall, marriage just feels like
the next step

in building a life together.

And so when we start thinking about
this transition in your relationship

and this increase in commitment

what are some of the fears

that the two of you may have
going into this?

I am...

fearful of...

Sam's level of commitment to me.

And so when you hear her say that,
what is your response?

Like, I really be feeling like

"Dog, why can't I cheat like,
a little bit?"

I don't wanna be out here
on some Tristan Thompson sh*t.

- Right.
- But

every once in a while I k*ll a show,
I walk off stage

there's a bad b*tch in my face

I wanna be able to tug a titty
before I... I hit the crib.

I cheated on my girl.
We went through...

we went through some sh*t.

I f*cking cheated.

But I... I didn't cheat
'cause I don't love my f*cking

- Right, right.
- girl.

I love her to f*cking death.

You cheated because you were human

and you haven't seen everybody
in the world yet.

- So it's like...
- I love my b*tch.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- She... she f*cking... You know?

She's the best.
She's funny. She's passionate.

She sages me
when I doo-doo, my n*gga.

Like, this b*tch cares,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Not saging shits, bro.

She be saging my doo-doos, bro.
They smell too crazy

- so come on in. Hit me up!
- Yeah. Damn.

So it's like, "No, baby, I love you.
That's not why I cheated."

I was just on some selfish

"I wanna do what I wanna do" sh*t.

So way back in the day

all the rich n*gg*s was getting
all the p*ssy.

And the poor n*gg*s came together
like, "Look, bruh, this not fair."

Everybody need to have one b*tch
and that just be it

so that there's enough b*tches
to go around.

- So if you feel that way...
- I love how you give a history.

Yeah. If you feel that way,
it's because

we get taught early on that it's like

- that's the reward for the...
- Yeah.

- for the fruits of your labor...
- for the... success.

- Yes.
- Yes, son.

And then beyond that...

we're g*y.

We're g*y as f*ck

so we're already breaking the rules.

So why are we putting ourselves
in these other

- Right.
- boxes when we already understand

the normative doesn't
necessarily apply?

Even more than that, we're Black.

By a lot of these Western ideas
and these...

- Yeah. Black women...
- this sh*t ain't got

- nothing to do with us.
- you let us cheat on you

because of blackness.

I'm not saying that,
you know what I'm sayin'?

But what I...
but what I will say is that

we do need to look at

the pressure that we put
on each other in relationships

as it pertains to what's natural.

And just, like... I want...

I want my wife to know
that she got her best catch.

If that mean you do gotta go out

and see what's out there

I'm confident
that you will come to me like

"Hey, you know what,
I like what I have."

Do you guys believe in marriage?

I... It's a thing. It exists.

I think there are a lot of people
that are meant for monogamy

and then there're some people
that aren't meant for monogamy.

- Right.
- Variety is such a fun thing

that not enough people place

enough emphasis on in their lives.

And I thrive off of being able

to experience variety.

So that's what it is for me.

It's not, "Brian doesn't
provide what I need."

Because Brian gives me everything
I need and so much more.

To me it's, I wanna be able
to have different flavors, I guess.

So you guys are in a relationship,
but you're also cuckolds, right?

- So we're a hot-wife couple.
- A hot wife... so explain

- what that is to me, please.
- Within that...

within the terms of hot wife

that means that Brenda,
as the female partner

she does the majority of the playing.

So she entertains other men

single men, predominantly.

However, there is a cuckold component

because I enjoy the idea of
that reclamation time

and then the idea that she is

being satiated by someone
other than myself.

And that's what a lot of people
don't understand

is it's always about us.

It's not about me being
with other people

or Brian being with other people.

It's about what it does for us
when we come back together.

Anything we do, particularly anything
Brenda does with someone else

it's the cover charge.
That's all that is.

You gotta have that
before you get any kinda thing.

And, you know,
once that cover charge is paid

it's lights out.

I still guess I'm wondering like...

But how do you figure out
this is your jam?

- Do you like... Do you...
- Kind of like, how does

a sword swallower decide they know
how to swallow swords?

Yeah, I'm with you. I... feel you.

We're having conversations

about the things that
turned us on.

One of the things
that Brenda had mentioned

you know, was she wanted to see me
with someone else.

And as soon as she said that

it occurred to me that it's...

that's probably
something I've wanted myself

for a long time over the course
of my relationship history

so I said the same thing to her.

And once we both agreed
that we would enjoy that component

ten days later we had
our first experience.

- It was that fast.
- I think more

simply put than that even,
it's like this little earworm

that exists in your head.

It's just this idea
that sits back there.

And you think about it and then

when you actually have someone
you can talk to about it

and you know you're not
gonna be judged

all of a sudden everything just like

spews out all over the table.

That's what happened for us, anyway.

Once there's a judgment-free space

all bets are off.

I feel like the ideal marriage

is a non-judgmental...

Because it's light. People are...

People take that sh*t so...
This is your whole life.

So I might be f*cked up in my forties

but in my fifties I'm a golden

- n*gga.
- But that's what I'm saying

you're growing together

and so you've gotta leave
some room for that, right?

You could get with a n*gga
at one stage in life

and it's like,
"Oh, this the perfect n*gga."

And then five years from now

this m*therf*cker is like,
playing the trombone

or joining a f*cking cult.

- And you're like, "Okay
- Yeah.

can I understand who this person is?

- Listen...
- Can we grow together?"

Me and my wife, we were in college.

She watched me pledge Kappa

then I became the president
of the Kappas.

Then I started writing commercials

then I started being in sh*t

then I'm acting,
then I'm doing stand-up.

She was there through the whole time

watching me change the person
that I am.

So you not necessarily present.

- But...
- I'm never present.

You're never present
but just the fact

that you know about it or she'll come

- back and tell you about it
- Right. Absolutely.

it gets your d*ck hard.

I started out kind of adjacent
to the room.

I could see. I could hear.

Eventually I would move away
so that I could only hear.

And then, you know, eventually
it turns into me not being

in the same f*cking state
a lot of times.

So it doesn't necessarily have to be
that way either.

So the further away I got,
the further...

the further apart we played

the more intense
our reclamation time got.

Are you like, "Yeah,
this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Baby, we... we gonna get wilder?"

- Oh, we upped it, yeah.
- Or you like...

- "This is it. We're good here."
- Oh, no.

We're looking for a BDSM dynamic

a... a sub-dom

- top-bottom type situation.
- You were gonna be the sub

- I'm guessing.
- No, I'm a dom.

- For real?
- Yeah. Yeah.

- In the BDSM world, yes.
- That's surprising.

Our play actually,
is incredibly primal.

We play in an aggressive,
primal play kind of...

way where I am dominant.

And with Brenda playing
with other men

she brings that energy home.

And then we...

it's an energy transference
type thing that takes place.

And I'm not heterosexual.

- Oh, damn, bro.
- So, yeah.

I guess I'm wondering

if this shifted, right? Like...

Do you think you could love someone,
either one of you, enough

to stop this behavior?

I think it really comes down to,
for me at least

having the right partner.

You know, you've gotta have
somebody that understands you

that you can be completely open with,
and that

the whole thing
about being judged, that's scary.

You know, so the last thing
you wanna do is start

a monogamous relationship,
at least for me

and then to have a conversation
with your partner

who you've been monogamous with
about being non-monogamous.

Because once you ring that bell,
you can't unring it.

That relationship is either
gonna flourish or it's gonna end.

You know, it can never be the same.

She picking your shorties
or you picking them yourself?

- Sometimes, yeah.
- Sometimes, yeah.

It's always funny
because people are like

"Well do you try to find people
that you find

like, less attractive than you?"

and I'm like, "Absolutely not.
I want him have

the most attractive people possible.

I want him to have
the most fun possible."

Yeah, it doesn't make sense.
People say that all the time.

"Well what if she..." You know, I...

I hear that from people who don't
know, that aren't in this space

"Well what if she's attracted
to the guy and she really likes him?"

I f*cking hope so, 'cause otherwise
this is a giant waste of time.

Right? Like,
why do you want your partner

to not have a good time?
It doesn't make sense to me.

Do y'all wanna meet my fiancee

and maybe talk to her
for a little while

- Sure.
- and, you know, just

lay some of this information on her?

Yeah, absolutely, yeah.

Would that be helpful?

Only if it's gonna help.
If it's not... you know?

No, it's probably going
to get me smacked. But...

You never know.
Yeah, you never know.

- it's a crap sh**t.
- You know what I mean?

- Yeah.
- You miss every shot you don't take.

You gotta let a n*gga like,
feel the sh*t. It's like

I've become a n*gga
that could charter a helicopter

- to Minnesota if I feel like it.
- Yes.

Why am I going to Minnesota?

- Who the f*ck cares, b*tch?
- Right.

- Mind your business.
- Right.

- But I could do that sh*t.
- Yeah.

So if you don't let me feel
every stretch of that sh*t

then there is some level of like,
"g*dd*mn, I'm eventually..."

But I don't wanna do that.

But the flip was I saw
how hurt she was from what I did.

- Yeah.
- And then I had to start think

do I value my selfish sh*t over her

Right.

- and how she's feeling?
- And you don't.

- But then you also
- And I don't...

you get mad because it's like

"Man, can't you understand
that if I stop doing this

- it's because of how you feel."
- It's not because I...

But all of it is, f*ck how I feel.

Yes. It's always a push. And the...
And the other way

is so demonized, but I'm like

"When are we gonna mature
out of this very

Western idea of relationships,
monogamy, what love is?"

Because it's like...
It doesn't live in this box.

At the end of the day

the sexual portion
of this is really...

it's not what's important.

What's important to us
is our time together.

And what that sex
with other people does

for us is brings us closer together.

Because we are together, doesn't...

Nothing else is gonna be
in the way of that.

No outsider. No outside entity.

So for us, we know that regardless
of what happens, it's us.

People, they... they make... they...
they make the mistake of thinking

that sex and love are the same thing.

They're not even f*cking related,
not even close.

One thing has nothing to do
with the other.

It doesn't have to, anyway.

It can but it doesn't have to.

And for us, we just... You know?
We can separate those things.

You know, I love her

so whatever she does is not
a reflection of that.

So what do you guys fight about?

- This part, you got it
- Business.

- is harmonious.
- Work.

- What do you guys fight about?
- Well it's funny because

when you aren't arguing about sex

and you're talking openly about it,
you find

you're not really having arguments
about anything else either

because you work
through everything else

- Right.
- because it's so easy comparatively.

My money is hers, her money is mine

and we have sex with whoever
we wanna have sex with.

Now my... my fiancee would tell you
to talk to me.

Yeah, see.

So Yaya,
you've made it through the storm.

We have made it through the storm.

I want you to talk to Sam

and tell her what was going on
for you at that point.

In Atlanta,
I was a small business owner.

So I had my own identity
and everybody knew me as Yaya

the girl with the shops on Auburn.

So I had my own community

I had my own identity

and I had sense of self and purpose.

So when I... we moved to New York

instead of being known as Yaya,
the girl with the shops on Auburn

I was now... people are now
introducing me and saying

"Hey, that's Yaya, Sam's girlfriend."

Right.

So I poured myself more
and more into that.

And in that, I lost myself into her.

When Sam cheated on me
with a ugly b*tch and I was like

- "Oh, girl you're being wild."
- Right.

And then it was just like,
"Oh, girl."

And then I started
questioning myself.

Like, "b*tch, are you ugly?"
I was like

"Oh, my god, I may be ugly too
'cause she f*cking that b*tch."

And she...
and she had saggy t*tties too

so I was like,
"Maybe I look like this."

- Right.
- And so, like

it f*cked with my self-esteem.
It f*cked with me.

You felt like it was
a personal attack.

I felt like it was not necessarily
a personal attack

but I just felt like,
"b*tch, at least cheat

on somebody that's...

- attractive."
- Bae...

Yeah, cheat with a bad b*tch like

I can understood...
I can understand that.

I can't understand you cheating
with a b*tch

with f*cking saggy t*tties
and f*cking extra teeth.

I'm missing teeth,
how do I compete with that?

What f*cked me up

was I knew she did it.
I knew she cheated.

I felt it in my spirit.

I woke up out my sleep
at f*cking 4.00am.

I looked at my phone.
I saw her location.

It was at a hotel.

I went to the hotel,
and I sat in the f*cking lobby.

Yeah, b*tch, I'm crazy.

- I waited for them to come out.
- Oh, hell, you know I know that.

I waited for the b*tch to come out.

She came out.

I was like, "Yo, what are you doing?"

"No, I'm here with friends."

I said, "You're not."

Like, "We both know you're not."
Like, "What's up?"

Like, "Why are you here?
You didn't have to do this."

And she was like,
"What are you talking about?

Oh, my god, I'm not doing anything."

And I was like,
"Sam," like, "be real with me."

Like, "b*tch, you know I know you.
You know we have soul ties.

You know I felt it,
like tell me what's up."

She lied to me.

What f*cked me up
and made me feel crazy

was the b*tch lied to me
for three f*cking days.

Did you go through, like,
some f*ck years?

I considered myself
as player number one.

So you had plenty hoes
is what you saying?

Oh, man!

Did you ever cheat
on somebody

or was it all just loose fun?

No, I did my share of cheating.

- Did you get caught?
- Yes.

And how did you...
and how did you deal with that?

I think when you're... you're playing

and you're doing things like that

you're in a selfish mode.

So it really doesn't...
doesn't matter if you get caught.

It doesn't...

The other person's feelings are...
are really not

you know, your concern.

Do you think you can love someone
and cheat on them?

Or do you think
if you cheat on someone

there is no love there.

There is no love there

you know,
because... if you love someone

then you are responsible
and you take responsibility

for their feelings.

And if you're cheating

you're only thinking
about your feelings

and... and your needs,
wants, and desires.

But I was not perfect to Sam.

I want...
and I wanna be clear about that.

I was a trash-a*s b*tch.
She was broke-as-hell b*tch

I was thotin' n boppin' nigs
'cause I was like

"Girl, Oh, no ma'am."
You know what I'm sayin'?

So I was like,
"Let me weigh all my options.

You got potential girl,
but you ain't there."

So I was doing my own thing, too.
I wasn't perfect to her.

Like on our first date, bruh

I couldn't even buy her
a slice of pizza, n*gga.

We went out,
and she literally was like

"Yo, I forgot my wallet"

and I was like, "You gotta go get it.

- Right.
- I don't have it."

- Yeah.
- You know what I'm sayin'?

Then her roommate had to come
from the crib, bring her the money.

And this n*gga was f*cking
trashing me the whole time.

Like, I could hear
this n*gga being like

"What are you doing
with this broke n*gga?

You f*ck real n*gg*s.
You f*ck ballers.

You f*ck football players."

And I'm just sitting there
without sh*t.

You know what I mean?
Without anything

getting trashed
by this bum-a*s roommate

who ended up stealing toilet paper
from her

and stiffing her on her rent.

- So f*ck that n*gga.
- f*ck him.

- Not for nothing.
- f*ck him.

And at the time, like, my girl,
she owned her own business.

She was doing it.
She in Atlanta. She got a doorman.

I gotta... I gotta go through a n*gga
to get to the p*ssy.

- Yeah.
- I never had it any easy, son.

- Yeah.
- You know what I'm sayin'?

- She doin'...
- I like the fact that

she gave you your space
while doing her thing

because that's...
that's what you needed to grow.

And I had to build myself.
And I built myself to this n*gga

a n*gga who could buy a whole pizza

- Yeah.
- or possibly a Little Caesar's.

Probably, definitely

- a Little Caesar's.
- f*cking definitely

- Definitely, a Little Ceasar's.
- a Little Ceasar's.

A part of me built that n*gga for me

- Yeah.
- and I wanted to feel like a catch.

And I wanted to be able to f*ck
with b*tches.

- You know what I'm sayin'?
- That's the part.

- I love you to death.
- That's the part

that we don't know
how to say to our significant others

like, "Look, while building myself

I found that I'm kinda dope

and I kinda wanna take this sh*t
on the road

- and then see how it
- and see what it

- do.
- and see what it do.

How long do you feel like,
you were like

in that period of just like, playing?

Until my wife said,
"It's over, you're marrying me."

So... so like, five years ago.

Five years ago.

So you was playing-playing
all the way up until this time.

All the way. You know, I try...

I tried the serious stuff,
you know, settling down

the one-woman stuff

but the women
look good.

You know what I mean?

Til 63. It took you til 63
to settle down.

- Yeah.
- Don't let my fiancee hear that.

Okay, we won't tell. We won't tell.

Do you have like a shoebox full
of pictures of old hoes

and when you get the itch,
you just go look at them

and then you're like,
"All right, I'm good?"

Would you believe I just shredded
those pictures?

How did it feel when you were done?

It was scary

because it... it's like...

I just shredded, you know,
some great memories

and then I said, "From my past."

And then I'll be talking
to one of the, you know

the young ladies
whose picture I just shredded.

And I say

"No, you don't have to tell her
you just shredded her picture."

Player gotta hold on to something.

Oh, yeah.

Did you had to like call up
all the hoes and say

"Hey, hoes, I'm not hoeing no more."

Every woman that I had been with,
except for one

- we're friends.
- What about that one?

Man, what was that Cujo?
Have you ever heard of Kool-aid?

Do y'all have any hall passes?
Like, are you like...

Is there a famous woman like

you're in love with and you're like

"Hey, baby, if we get
in the same space and place

all bets are off?"

Is she gonna watch this? Probably.

Oh, my god, give me Jennifer Hudson
who can sing to me.

All right, a little JHud,
a little JHud, okay.

Yeah, give me JHud. You know?

You got a good one because my girl

throws Queen Latifah
in my face every day.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah. That's her person.

Queen Latifah. She's like

"If I ever meet Dana,
I'm outta here."

And I'm like, "All right."

- Yeah, okay, all right.
- Now I gotta beat up

old-a*s Queen Latifah.
You know what I'm sayin'?

- I know. That's not fair.
- Like

- why you doin' that?
- Yeah.

Do you look back
on the person you were

when you weren't being committed
and you were hurting people?

And do you go like, "Damn

what the f*ck was wrong
with that person?"

It was necessary for me
to be this person

because you grow into who you are.

I had to be that person

in order to be the woman
that I am now.

- I was only cheating. That...
- But that's not a bad thing.

No... I'm not saying it's bad.

It was good 'cause I still came.

I was coming left and right.

- No, hear me.
- But, I still felt

empty after the fact.

It's not bad for you
to go through those challenges.

- Well, yeah, I feel everybody does.
- Because...

because it had you...
stayed on that high

you know what I'm sayin'

of thinking that somebody else
was feeling you up.

You would have just had
probably a bigger...

a bigger, you know what I'm sayin'?
A bigger moment.

I feel like you're coming
from a cheater's perspective

and I don't really know
how to feel about that.

Nah, it's not
a cheater's perspective.

It's a... it's a real perspective.

That sounds like something
a cheater would say.

The idea of being with someone

especially the one you love

and committing to them...
forever... is scary.

- The expectations of that.
- Yeah.

Can I live up to that commitment?

You know what I'm sayin'? Like...

I can be selfish. Like, you know,
I cheated before.

And it was a totally selfish thing.
And...

I... I think I'm past
that selfish energy.

- Yeah.
- But I don't know that I'm past

all my selfish energy.
You know what I mean?

You'll never be.
You know, it's who you are.

- Right.
- You know, and...

she also has to give.

She has to allow you

to be yourself
and love you as yourself.

You know,
that commitment goes two ways.

And once she allows you
to be who you are

you'll place limitations on yourself.

But if she tries to place them
on you, you will rebel.

So do you think like

what happened was you just met
the one?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah. She... she gave me
a whole different outlook

on... on what life could be

if I were to settle down and...

and get serious,
and just be into one woman.

She treated me the way that
I felt like I needed to be treated.

Yaya, talk to me
about your expectations of Sam.

My expectations?

I would just want full commitment.

I would like...

I would just want you to guarantee

that you wouldn't cheat on me again.

Sam, is that something
you can guarantee for Yaya?

I mean, I don't think there are
any guarantees in anything.

I can't predict the future

so it's not something
that I can guarantee.

I can guarantee you that

I won't ever be the person
that I was.

And I can guarantee you that

I'm not just going
to be running around here looking

for hoes at the 7-Eleven.

Like, if I cheated
and something like that happened

it would have
to be an extreme scenario.

Okay, and what the f*ck is
an extreme scenario?

This ain't Wild and Crazy Kids,
b*tch.

I'm glad you asked.

It's Paris

a beautiful Parisian evening.

It's not raining but it's misty

and there's some mystery
in the air like the summer of 1939.

It's one of those nights where
you feel like anything can happen.

I'm in a tux.

Tom Ford gave it to me
for the evening.

It's a loaner, but he's not tripping
if I f*ck it up.

I have a red envelope
in my jacket pocket.

I assume it says La La Land won
Best Picture.

Of course I give my keys to valet.
I don't throw them.

I'm not a showboat.

It's a very smooth transaction.

Anyway, I'm on my way
to some kinda art gala situation.

It's The Lost Works of Basquiat.

Also they'll be showing
a few paintings by Blue The Great.

Blue's revealing a three-panel piece
no one has ever seen.

Big players are in the building.

And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is going

to read
his unpublished essay entitled

n*gga Nights and Goodbyes:
My Time At Veronica Mars.

I pass Jonathan Majors

he can't get in. I go

"Jonathan, what's going on here?"

He's like, "There's been some issues.

I don't know. They're saying I'm not
on the list, but I'm me."

And I'm like, "That's crazy, man.

I'll talk to Emmanuel
and see what I can do inside."

But I have no intention at all
of all of helping out.

I hated Lovecraft Country.

I order a Macallan 25, neat.

I drink man stuff in this fantasy.

And as I turn around

Marlon Wayans flails like a divorced
man wearing indoor sunglasses and...

spills his wine on over my tux.

I look back at Marlon
with the same rage

I felt watching Lovecraft Country.

I turn back to the bar
to get some club soda.

The wine is bleeding
onto my white shirt.

I'm all flustered

and then boom,
I look up, and it's Julia Roberts.

Pretty Woman Julia Roberts.

And Julia says to me

"It looks like you've had
a little spill, can I help?"

She pulls a handkerchief
from her purse

dips it into her own glass
of club soda

and begins to blot my shirt.

I thank her and casually mentioned

that her performance
in Erin Brockovich changed my life.

She asked

"Well, what exactly
about it moved you?"

She's that type of lady.

She's not empty.
She doesn't just eat up compliments.

She wants to know.

So I tell her

that one scene when the bummy
motorcycle man was asking her

to choose him and the kids
over her work.

And she let him know
that just was not possible

and you could truly see
the heartbreak in her face

at having to make such
a difficult decision

but also the disgust

that he would have the gall
to ask her to choose.

It was in that moment
that I knew I had to change myself.

I had to choose myself.

And that's why

I'm this unknown comedian standing
before you today.

Julia laughs at my wit

and says

"Wow, I never thought
about it like that.

People usually just say they like
my push-up bra."

I ask her if she would like
to join me for a drink, and she says

"As long as I don't have
to sip it off your shirt."

To which I respond

"Oh, Julia, you are a minx."

Anyway, one drink leads to three.

Jonathan made it in somehow

and is being held c*ptive
in an uggo sandwich.

Ew, gross!

And Julia says

"Let's get outta here."

I tell her, "No problem.
My Ferrari is out front."

And she says, "So is mine."

I'm taken aback.

But this is Julia Roberts

and I'm about to make a big mistake.
Huge.

I stand close enough
to Julia to smell her hair

not Biden style,
but I can still get a whiff.

She smells like lilies
and Fruity Pebbles.

Intoxicating.

We gaze out at people walking below

and I ask her
where she thinks they're going.

And she says,
"To hell if they don't pray."

She lets out her signature laugh.

I'm afraid, I'm intrigued,
I'm rock hard

and Julia can tell.

If there's music playing,
I can't hear it

I'm too enthralled by her brown eyes
and her pronounced clavicle.

Julia then whispers
the Lady Marmalade lyrics.

I don't speak French

but I do know what that means

so I start to take off my pants.

She grabs my hand and said

"Slow down, cowboy.
I'm not going anywhere."

Kiss me right here."

She points to that g*dd*mn clavicle.

I go to town on that thing

kissing and sucking like
it's a neck bone.

Which it is, but you know
what kinda neck bone I mean.

She's tearing at my clothes,
and I'm tearing at hers.

She rips off my pants,
and my strap is already on.

She whispers

"Just my size. How did you know."

And I say, "Because medium is
actually the most popular size."

She asks if she should suck it,
and I say

"No, I don't feel it." And she says

"You don't really feel
the other thing, either."

And I say

"I kinda feel it more because
you'd be grinding and sh*t and...

Anyway, it doesn't matter

just let me make love to you,
Julia Roberts."

The rain begins to fall

and just as the two of us cl*max
at the same time

the Eiffel Tower light show begins.

It's blue, white and red,
in honor of Bastille Day

a holiday I don't even understand.

But I do understand that
I just beat up Julia Roberts' p*ssy.

And so this day should
also be marked in history.

And that's the only time
I would cheat.

f*ck you then, b*tch. I'm f*cking
Queen Latifah at a bus stop.

I went back to Atlanta

and I was like,
"No b*tch, you not ugly."

- Right.
- Like, "No, girl."

I was spreading
this p*ssy all over 285.

When I tell you

baby I cheated back.

I had a hot-girl summer, b*tch.

It was... Baby...

this p*ssy was
from Dunwoody to Dacula.

And when I tell you...

- All right, bro.
- To Dacula.

- All right, girl.
- Tell me now, as a n*gga

who don't know those two locations

I know they're far.

I know that they're
two far distances.

- There's some distance between...
- Yeah.

- There some distance.
- Yeah. What?

Those are two different like,
suffix numbers.

There was one that was like 203.
The other one was...

Yeah. It had...
but I did what had to be done.

And so I felt like...

"Oh, b*tch, you still that girl?

You still got the things, girl?"