03x06 - The Night Hunters

[bunniefuu]

JOHN LURIE: Previously,
on Painting with John...

♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["PAINTING WITH JOHN
NEW OPENING" PLAYING] ♪

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ha-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ha-dee ♪

-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ah-da ♪

-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Oh.

♪ ["A GOAT SAYS f*ck"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

-♪ A goat says f*ck
A goat says ♪
- ♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

-♪ A goat says f*ck
A goat says ♪
- ♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ A goat says f*ck a goat says
A goat says f*ck a goat says ♪

♪ Don't you know now, boy? ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

Used to be, if you googled
my name,

the worst photograph of me ever
was what showed up.

It was in a nightclub,
in the bathroom,

at five o'clock in the morning,
from about 20 years ago,

and I'm just like...
I just look so f*cked up.

You know, that thing

where the eyes
are kind of half open.

It looks like I was asleep
on the floor. I mean...

So we tried
to get it taken down.

It was on Getty, so we wrote
to Getty and they said

no, they don't do that.
And we explained,

"Look, this is
an unauthorized photograph,

taken at five o'clock
in the morning,

in a public restroom."

And they said, "Okay,
we'll do this as a courtesy."

But then the photo remained.

It was still there,
when you googled my name...

[MUMBLES]

[CHUCKLES] It was so bad. And...

So, then we--

Then it linked
to the photographer's site.

So we wrote to him.

And he said, "Well,
this is a matter of opinion.

I think John looks
very good there."

I look like the gooniest person
who ever lived.

"I think John looks good there,
and I like the photograph.

And, so no,
I don't wanna take it down.

If John wants to buy
the photograph

and own the copyright,
well, then,

for 3,000 dollars, I can--
That photo will be taken down."

"I'm not gonna pay him
the money to take that down.

It's just wrong."

But then when this show,
Painting with John came out

and there was enough stuff
to knock this thing

off the Google search...

I was almost disappointed
'cause it was so awful

that I kinda grew to love it.

I was disappointed
in a way when it was gone.

I mean,
I hope it doesn't come back

but it was a--
It was somewhat of a loss.

I'm just thinking about this guy
who makes a living,

lurking in bathrooms...

taking pictures of people...

so that they'll pay him
to make them go away.

What? [SCOFFS, STAMMERS]

So somebody contacts him,

"Please,
your photograph is horrible,

please, take it down.
I'll give you 3,000 dollars.

Here's your 3,000 dollars."
And he goes, "Yeah!"

[CHUCKLES] What the f*ck?

What the f*ck?

♪ ["THE SNAKE THAT PROTECTS
TEETH" BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

JOHN: Coming up next,
on Painting with John...

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪ ["MILLION DOLLAR SUITCASE"
PLAYING] ♪

NESRIN WOLF: [YELLING] Annie!

[YELLS] Annie!

Can you help me with this?

One step closer.

-[SIGHS] Okay.
-[LOCK CLACKING]

Okay. Look.

[GASPS]

NESRIN: One million dollars.

I counted it.

-Where did it come from?
-I have no idea.

Maybe it came from some
higher financial service.

Is that a thing?

JOHN: So here's what happens.

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

This painting was gonna be...

a snake protecting teeth.

I'd gone to the dentist and...

one of the x-rays of my teeth
was just amazing looking.

So we took a photograph of it
and I painted it

in the middle of this painting

and then I made
this snake going around it.

But it lay against the wall...

for like a month...
I almost left it alone.

I didn't touch it.
Didn't touch it.

And I just started to add
these little shapes and icons

around it
to just sort of finish it off.

And then...

So I painted
a yellow dot right here.

Just the yellow dot,
this other stuff wasn't there.

And then it became a face.

So then when I tried to get rid
of the yellow dot to make--

'Cause I didn't want a face,
it became more of a face.

And now I'm f*cked.
I can't figure out

how to get rid of this thing
right here,

to make it no longer a face.

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh, that's Piers Morgan.

B.

I'm putting him back in,
so maybe I'll get somebody else.

Madame Blavatsky.

[GASPS] Ow! Ow! Oh. Joan of Arc.

♪ ["HOG HEAD BLUE" PLAYING] ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

JOHN: I've taken
the painting table

outside today.

Nesrin has a penchant
for small talk.

And I hate small talk.

When she drinks too much coffee,

it's like she is invading
my mind and breaking in.

♪ ["SHE TALKS TO TOASTERS"
PLAYING] ♪

JOHN: But to be fair,

Nesrin's adorableness
has helped me keep going

during some really rough periods
in my life.

She does this thing

where she talks
to inanimate objects.

If the toaster is on the same
setting but burns her toast,

she asks,
"Why did you do that, toaster?

Why would you do such a thing?"

And I said, "Should I be
worried about this?"

And she says, "You should
only be worried about this,

if the inanimate objects
begin to talk back."

She just moves my heart.

The cuteness of her
moves my heart

and makes me wanna survive.

During the pandemic,
we were stuck in New York.

We weren't down here.

We were in this tiny apartment
in New York City.

And this apartment
wasn't meant for two people

who aren't together.

While one was going down,
the other one would rise up

and be adorable.

You know, not this phony,
cute sh*t, just--

I really don't know
how to explain it,

or what to call it.
But I think you get the idea.

And we would be adorable
for each other.

And when it comes down to it,
when you really think about it,

that's the only way
the human race survives,

is through adorableness.

If a baby wasn't cute,
who would care for it?

It's cuteness, it elicits
this response from the heart

that makes you wanna protect it.

-♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪
-JOHN: So be cute. Be adorable.

The people in your life
deserve it.

I think I fixed it.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

NESRIN: They were sleeping here.

JOHN: Oh.

-[INDISTINCT MUMBLING]
-JOHN: I think I got him.

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

♪ Ah-dee ♪

♪ Ah-da ♪

-♪ Ha-dee ♪
-♪ Ha-dee ♪

-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

JOHN: Seabiscuit.

Madame Bovary.

Madame Blavatsky.

Abraham Lincoln.

Johnny Unitas.

-Vince Lombardi.
-[PLATE CLATTERS]

JOHN: Mary Magdalene.

Jesus.

And Jesus again.

That's beautiful.

I wonder I should maybe
send them to the Smithsonian

or something.

What am I gonna do with them?

[RAIN PATTERING]

[DOG BARKING]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

♪ ["ORANGE SUNSETS
WITH OCTAVES" PLAYING] ♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS
SOMETHING DELIGHTFUL" PLAYING] ♪

Once...

Once...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time,
there was something.

Once upon a time,
there was something

that was...

No, I can't quite remember.
Once upon a time,

there was something. It was...

It was kinda big.

Wait, once...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time,
there was something.

Once upon a time,
there was something that was...

that was-- Oh, I'm not sure
if I can remember this.

How it goes. Once upon a time...

Oh. Once upon a time... Oh, man.

Once upon a time,
there was something.

It was something really--
It was quite beautiful.

It was delightful.

Yeah. Yeah, just imagine
something delightful.

Once upon a time,
there was something delightful.

Yeah. Okay, I'm okay with this.
Hope you're okay with this.

Once upon a time there was
something that was delightful.

Ah. That was good.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

Don't you think? We're okay now.

We're all right. We're okay.

I am going back to sleep.
See you.

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

JOHN: Next time,
on Painting with John...

♪ ["NESRIN'S g*n WALK"
PLAYING] ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY
THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING] ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪