01x01 - Anziehung

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) Elements 21.5.

And the routine total

for Plymouth A is 78.700.

(APPLAUSE)

- ANNOUNCER: This is start number

four representing - Rushmore A.

(APPLAUSE)

(DANCING ON MY OWN BY ROBYN PLAYING)

(MUFFLED)

(WATER BUBBLING)

GIRL: Ray? Oh my God! Ray?

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(BEEPING)

(SPEAKING PORTUGUESE)

(SIGHS)

(WOMAN MOANING ON LAPTOP)

-(MOANING STOPS ABRUPTLY)

-(KEYBOARD CLICKING)

Bollocks.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

GEMMA: Tell me you're almost home.

You may need to start without me.

I got, I got held up.

I have started without you.

I mean start the interview.

Are you watching

Yeah. It's what I expected.

You're a reckless idiot.

Next time, hero,

let the grandma fall down the stairs.

Get dressed.

-He's on his way Gemma. -Use the siren.

KIERAN: It's not an emergency.

It is an emergency.

I don't see you any more.

(SCOFFS) That's an exaggeration.

I don't want a lodger.

There's barely enough room for us.

Yeah, well, we need the money, so

Can't we just declare bankruptcy?

Fake our deaths, move to Bali? (CHUCKLES)

I miss you.

How close are you?

(WOMAN MOANING ON LAPTOP)

How close are you?

I could get there. Don't hang up.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Seriously dude. Marry her.

-(SIREN WAILING) -MACHINE:

999 mode activated.

(LAUGHING)

-Oh, my God. -(CAT MEOWING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SPEAKING PORTUGUESE)

- breakfast? Hmm?

(CAT MEOWS)

(AMBULANCE APPROACHING)

Excuse me.

I'm Ray.

Ray. Yes, hi.

-Hi -Hi. Hi. Erm Yeah.

GEMMA: Mmm.

- The girl's coming to view the room,

so were gonna - have to be quick.

f*ck.

And that's Gemma.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Ray Err Coffee? Tea?

-Erm, tea? -Tea. Great! One tea for Ray.

-Sorry. -(CHUCKING NERVOUSLY)

She's just getting dressed

and screaming into a pillow.

(CHUCKLES) Erm, I'm

sorry, I'm always early.

No. No. This is actually

probably a good ice-breaker

for the right person,

seeing your prospective landlord's vag*na.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

I wasn't referring to Gemma as

I was not calling it an ice-breaker, or

So, err, do you work nearby or

Erm I'm retired.

Oh. Okay really?

Yeah. And you are, erm, a florist?

I'm trousered now so

- You have every right to be untrousered in

- your own flat

- If you take the room I promise

you'll never - have to see that again.

Yeah. We'll make it part

of the tenancy agreement.

- -Is that an offer? -We should interview

- you first.

- You can't interview someone who's just

- seen your vag*na

Stop.

- Gem, the best you can ask for

is an informal - chat, right?

- -Can we all just forget about my vag*na?

- -Yes.

-No. -Seriously, what do

we need to ask?

Uh You want me to interview myself?

(SCOFFS) He's just come off a nightshift

and I'm flustered for no reason.

- Yeah, plus, everyone else we've met has

- been clinically insane.

Are you clinically insane, Ray?

Does pyromaniac count?

-That's a joke, -Uh-huh.

it's funny, we're clicking,

this is going well.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

So, erm, I can make the rent.

I can give a deposit.

I don't smoke.

I'm tidy, I'm respectful, I'm quiet.

I try to be a good person.

I'm 30 years old and

I still live with my parents,

so Desperate.

- Yeah and you promise not to mention

anything - about Gemma's vag*na?

-Promise, nothing. -f*ck both of you guys.

(RAY LAUGHING)

Do you have any questions for us?

Uh No.

I already know too much.

Yeah.

What can she mean she's retired?

- See her bruises? She might have

- a bad boyfriend.

Or girlfriend.

I'm just saying, she might have.

We had phone sex.

I had phone sex.

- -For f*ck's sake, Kieran. Again?

- -What?

Oh, yeah. You should see the other guy.

- It was an old lady, Gem, and she's fine now.

- All right

Saviour for the f*cking needy.

How is that a bad thing, though?

- 'Course you want to give this battered

- woman the room.

f*cking Damsel-in-Distress. Just your type.

- Oh, says the woman with her knickers

off, hoping - our new lodger's a l*sbian.

Oh yeah, you're right.

I can't keep living this lie.

This six-year hetero blip is

over, and I'm back

on the muff.

I'm late for work.

We'll argue when we get back.

Yeah, sure. What else would we do?

Not f*ck.

You're too injured and I'm too

g*y, apparently.

(WOMAN MOANING ON LAPTOP)

The hell is this?

Oh this is Asher, Chef. My cousin.

Can he hang out here?

I'll end up training more

people than I'm serving.

Are you smoking weed?

-No. -No.

Oh It's 8:00 a.m.

I haven't been asleep yet.

-Thank you, Tom. -See you.

See you on Tuesday. Bye.

(WHIRRING)

- VICTOR: All right Asher. Take off your

jacket and - help me with the chairs.

Right, grab the last two.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, Gemma, this is all mad.

You've heard this before.

No. I was born in 2002.

-What? No you weren't, 'cause

-No. I was.

Oh, my God, I'm old.

This is to remind you that you're mortal,

next time you feel like

being a reckless twat

-(SNAPS HAIRBAND) -(KIERAN MOANS)

d*ck!

We won't be able to argue

when the lodger moves in.

(ALARM BEEPING)

Better make the most of it, then.

Another night shift?

If we can't make time to

argue, then what even are we?

- I don't know what the hell that's

supposed to mean, - but I have to go.

Don't be too brave.

(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)

Good morning.

GEMMA: Good night.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

yourself together Mick.

Okay. Okay.

(ENGINE STARTING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Well. Moira does have a

flair for the dramatic.

- MATHILDE: It's a big change for Moira

- and the team.

It's a big change for everyone.

It's too fussy. It needs to be simple.

The point is the food

and the people and that

this isn't yet another

overpriced hipster

G*ntrification nightmare.

- Not that I don't want those customers,

I just - don't want to, you know,

price out the locals or

be part of the problem

- -(PHONE RINGING) -Chef, someone's here

- for an interview?

Victor, can you get the phone?

Properly. Like I taught you.

-Um, hi. -Hi.

-You're a student? -Yeah postgrad.

Goldsmiths. Design.

I've worked in cafes before.

What do you think of this?

- -It's too fussy, right? -I'm just,

I'm here - for a waitressing job.

NICK: You're over-qualified.

How is that, how is that a problem?

All right, so we go simpler.

Paint the walls, new lighting

Err, it's that,

it's that front you need to sort

cos I just,

I just walked right past the place.

Exactly. People still

think we're a lawyers.

Okay then, start with the front.

You could

Yeah okay, Nick can you just let me.

- -Can you work a coffee machine?

- -Yeah.

(GEMMA CHUCKLING)

Okay, tell me,

how much are we talking?

Just don't understand, how,

how can this cost £500 to paint a sign?

- CAROLINE: If you want it done

- properly, Gemma.

If you want a professional job

Argh! You must know I can't afford

that, Caroline!

Hello. What the hell is happening?

- Gemma, if you don't want me to die at work I need to

- Sleep. Between. Shifts.

Gem, she's not trying to screw you

Why does everything cost money?

(ITEMS CLATTERING)

-KIERAN: Here, let me -I've got this.

You know, for what you're paying

you could have a place

to yourself in Aldershot.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I don't need reminders

that I have wasted my life.

You're an Olympian. You've met the Queen.

- You've achieved more in your 30 years than

some have - achieved in their entire lives.

You should have stopped me.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- If you're looking for ways to blame

your problems - on supportive parents,

then you should see a therapist.

And we'll send you the

cheque as we always do.

Jesus, Mathilde.

What? What did I say?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

My baby.

-What is this stuff? -Very niche sex toys.

It was very nice meeting you both.

We'll take good care of her.

-Bye. -Bye.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What are you doing?

Station.

Mick wants you to have the car.

You use it more than I do.

Dad, I won't need a car in London.

Drive safe, Momo.

Thank you.

You are a silly, soft man. Come on.

We should tell her about the broadband.

That it's too slow for p*rn*graphy?

The password, you pervert.

-Hi. -Hey. Hey.

Hi, well welcome home.

Thank you.

Are there any more boxes outside?

No. I'm going to

I need to prep for lunch. Yep.

Erm, do you want help with that box?

I'm okay.

-Your new lodger is seriously

-I will k*ll you.

Again, you are taking the mick you know

Hi, is everything okay for you guys?

We're good. Thank you.

- So, I seem to be working here now but

we haven't talked - about hours or pay.

Long hours, low pay.

Just give me one second.

Uh

(ITEMS CLATTERING)

- Are we gonna address the way

- you just looked at her?

Should we address the way

you just looked at her?

I don't expect you to not

notice that she is obviously,

objectively, aesthetically

I've noticed that.

It's not going to be a problem for me.

Is it going to be a problem for you?

-Answer quicker. -Are you unhappy?

It just shouldn't be this hard.

We're working every waking minute and

can't afford to put up a sign or pay our

mortgage

without taking in a stranger.

I feel like we're at breaking point.

-What, us? -No, everything.

I need to go out for a bit.

Don't. Please don't just disappear.

- MOIRA: (ON PHONE) You could've moved onto

- my aunt's houseboat

if you wanted somewhere

cramped and cluttered.

It isn't that cramped, look

Hey, that's my lamp!

I thought you gave it to me.

- -(OBJECTS CLATTERING) -Careful.

You'll lose the - deposit on your cupboard.

It's not a cupboard.

- Do you have all the details about the

- job tomorrow?

-Moi? -Ray? Ray?

-Moira? -Are you there?

The WIFI is crap.

Ray, if you can hear me,

I'll meet you there at 10:00.

(DOOR OPENING)

Wilson? Am I in your shirt?

- Sorry. I didn't know how to mute

you and someone - just came in.

Kind of intense to be thrust

into your bellybutton.

How is everybody?

The same! Everybody's always the same!

Forget them. Forget us all!

You've escaped!

You're in London, having adventures.

You're an adventuress!

I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Don't be late. Love you! Shave your legs.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Right. No. come on. You three.

-NAIMA: Three? -Yes, you.

Kitchen duties, now.

Wash your hands.

I want to show you something useful.

-Hey. -Hey.

Thank you.

You sure you don't mind?

Nan gave it to you.

Yeah, so mum couldn't pawn it.

Nan would fully endorse this decision.

- -Don't you want to -If a man wants to

- take on me

and Danny he can damn

well buy me a new one.

Oh, there you go.

We used to play "weddings,"

do you remember?

Yeah.

Pillowcase on my head.

Didn't I marry Ricky P?

-In that first placement?

-Ricky P, yeah. I officiated.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

-Oh, I hope she says yes.

-You're an arsehole.

I hope she can overlook your

many, many flaws

(DEE LAUGHING)

Okay, enough of that.

- I don't know, I put loads of flour and

- it's still not working.

- GEMMA: No, listen to me. Are you

wanting to do - it properly or not?

ASHER: Yes. GEMMA: Yes, Chef.

ASHER: Yes, Chef. GEMMA: Pass that to me.

- NAIMA: Yeah. GEMMA: Unless you want

- to have a go at this?

Do you want to have a go at this?

NAIMA: Yeah. GEMMA: Mmm-hmm. Nice.

Okay, there. Don't pull it up.

GEMMA: Yeah. You can put the spoon.

- Oh and then just tuck it through the

back and - tuck it underneath. Perfect.

You need to throw this away.

Guys please concentrate.

- We'll just chuck this away like I said.

'Cause you don't - need to use this any more,

because you've ruined it.

Right, chuck this out.

- Asher is going to get your apprenticeship, Victor.

- Pay attention, yeah

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, um Thanks for today, Chef.

You're so welcome, Asher.

Where've you been?

Wait, I smell like fish guts.

When can you finish?

-I'm done. -Can we go out?

What, now? Aren't you exhausted?

Yeah, I'm practically dead. But I miss you.

-GEMMA: Somewhere cheap. -Mmm-hmm.

Oh, wow, yeah, fish guts.

-(GEMMA LAUGHING) -Hey!

You've got a date. I'm taking you out.

-Ooh! Va va voom

-(LAUGHING) Va va voom

(BEARS GRUNTING)

-Hey. -GEMMA: Hey.

KIERAN: Hey.

How you settling in?

- Great! I'm watching a wildlife documentary.

- It's quite traumatic.

(TV PLAYING)

We love this show!

We call it "Nature's b*stards."

We're going for a drink.

That sounds amazing,

I'm so bored. Do I have time to shower?

-Um, yeah. -Mmm-hmm.

Of course.

No. We need a night

We need a night of just us.

We need to talk.

(KEYS CLATTERING)

I know, but this is the situation that we

find ourselves in.

KIERAN: Oh Are we Now?

Yeah. Quickly. And quietly.

RAY: I'll be five minutes.

Okey-dokey. (LAUGHING)

Jesus, Maria Jose!

Okay, I need to More Put on face

Where are we going?

Oh, this place Gem used to work at.

It's nice.

It's really quiet.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

Should we

Should we go for a quieter drink?

-Do you want to go? -Yes.

-Do you want to go somewhere else?

-Stay?

-Are you sure? -Yeah, why?

- GEMMA: I am guessing that this is

your first - night out in London?

Ahh Everyone looks amazing.

- KIERAN: That's Jason. That's Jason.

- Gemma knows him.

- GEMMA: Oh my God that's Jason!

- Hi! Hi!

That's great.

GEMMA: We finally made it

out, babe, thank you!

They're really good.

Shall we stay? Let's stay, let's stay

Let's stay, let's stay, yeah.

I love you, Gem.

Love you.

-(MUSIC STOPS) -(ALL CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- KIERAN: I have to wash my hands, actually.

- MAN: Oh sorry

-No, you are not in my way. -What did I do?

MAN: Oh, my God, what have you done!

MAN 2: Oh, your hair is so knotty

Oh, sh*t!

DRAG QUEEN: Are you okay, hon?

What did you lose?

A ring.

Nobody move! Nobody move!

Loose jewellery!

-Gemma! -Oh my Jason.

What happened here?

- They were gonna close and they let me do

- a drag night on a Friday

and we smashed it,

now it's the whole weekend!

I used to work here with Jason.

-Ray. Hi. -Hi, nice to meet you.

So did you and Kieran finally

She's our lodger, you twat.

JASON: Oops.

Excuse me. I am sorry.

Check under my skirt Is it No. No.

I do!

Oh, thank you. You're amazing.

-Now you may kiss the bride.

-Congratulations.

Gem, I want to talk to you about something.

-You pillock -Can we go

somewhere quieter?

What?

Thank God. She's a dork just like us.

Speak for yourself, dork.

- I have never been to a drag night before

- and it's really fun!

Never used to be like this.

We haven't been here in ages.

Haven't been anywhere in ages.

Oh, my God I have crashed your date.

-I am so sorry. -Ray, you haven't.

I'm an idiot, I am so sorry.

-Don't be silly Ray, come on.

-I'm going back to the flat.

-What? -What?

-Stay. Stay. -Stay.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

All right. All right. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome friends and lovers.

You're all very welcome.

Even this adorable trio

of interlopers.

Tell me which one of you's the unicorn?

(PEOPLE CLAMOURING)

Only kidding, only kidding.

I don't really care.

What does that mean, "unicorn"?

JANET: Now I wouldn't be here,

and none of you glorious

queens would be here

were it not for the legendary,

the pioneering Ms Nina Fahrenheit.

EVERYONE: Move over!

-(PEOPLE CLAPPING) -RAY:

What does that mean?

KIERAN: I have no f*cking idea.

The UK drag scene owes her a huge debt.

Come say a few words, Midge.

-Hello all. -AUDIENCE: Hi.

Some of you may know

that Nina Fahrenheit was

known to her family as

Graham Buchanan.

I am Graham's sister.

Two days ago we scattered

some of Graham's ashes

on the Heath.

But we've yet to say goodbye to Nina.

-(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) -(PEOPLE CHEERING)

GEMMA: I feel like sh*t.

(GEMMA LAUGHING)

I really appreciate you

not making fun of me.

Why would we?

People think it's camp and stupid.

Have you seriously not googled me?

That's kind of irresponsible.

It's none of our business.

And I couldn't find anything.

You googled Ray, not Ramona.

You're a spy.

Let's get this over with.

- I am going to get whatever c*ck take

- the longest to make.

What if we just don't look?

Yeah. We could just not look at it.

You got any lash glue, Jason?

I've sweated these right off.

Must be going through the change.

I am I'm sorry about your friend.

I told her, skydiving's for the young.

(LAUGHING)

-So you live with them? -I moved in today.

Oh, sh*t.

There's a whole team of her.

KIERAN: Babe She was awesome

A unicorn is

You know how the odd-one-out's a lemon?

You mean a gooseberry?

A unicorn is the opposite.

I don't understand.

It's the third party who makes

it, you know, a party.

Oh.

Oh.

What's that one? Accident?

KIERAN: What happened? GEMMA: Oh, God.

- GIRL: (ON PHONE) Is she gonna be okay?

- Is she gonna be okay?

Those are on me.

It's rare to meet a unicorn.

That's because they're mythical.

- The way they're looking at you,

you're definitely - not a lemon.

Do you believe in signs?

What, like from the universe?

-Do you? -Yeah.

I should have quit after the Olympics.

I could have gone to college.

Retrained. Had a life.

You have a life.

Not like you two.

You've been places, done stuff.

Had adventures.

And I've been in a pool the whole time.

I ignored every sign saying stop.

Not any more.

Next instruction I get from the universe,

I am going to listen.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Wait, don't rub it, I know this!

KIERAN: It was crazy GEMMA: f*ck.

So, this for hair,

and coconut oil for the skin.

I can't believe this knowledge has a

real-world application!

-Am I doing this right? -Yeah.

-Then what? -And then with water.

End up like a mermaid.

-Is it not coming off? -No.

You've gotta put oil on first.

I shouldn't have gone to the

pool that day. I knew it.

I'd been pushing too hard for too long.

I couldn't keep up.

KIERAN: Does it hurt?

No, it's okay

It's like yours.

GEMMA: Angry drunks, falling grannies

He's kind of a hero.

Yeah. Mine's less heroic. Bigger, though.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

How about you?

Or is she perfect?

-Sorry -It's fine.

She is.

She is perfect.

Err, I I'd better

Yeah. We'll let you get to it.

-RAY: Good night. -Night.

Thanks for the tip.

KIERAN: Good night, Ray. Yeah.