01x01 - Anger Man

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some

strong language and adult humour

Any second now.

You a JFK fan, Steven?

You have any strong opinions

about his assassination? No.

Though I do know, due to

the actions of one skinny loser,

I'm here yet again voicing another

bullshit conspiracy theory.

Well, according to this

Mirrornek guy, it was his wife.

I couldn't give two f*ck.

How many words is this?

Hello, Steven, this is

Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

How many words, Clem Fandango?

About 100,000 words.

Phew, that's a lot of bullshit.

He's very angry today. Yeah.

What's with this laptop?

He's not going to join us, is he?

Is he?

Sorry to interrupt, Steven,

Sola Mirrornek is about

to join us from Dallas. Why?

Just wants to keep an eye on things.

He's going to appear

on the laptop in front of you.

He should be there now. Yes.

Steven Toast, meet Sola.

Yeah, hello.

What? Hello, Sola, this is

Clem Fandango, can you hear me?

Yes, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

Brilliant. Let's start.

In your own time, Steven.

The

All right, hold it, hold it.

I just need to stop you there.

No problem. What is it, Sola?

Did he say "duh"?

No, he didn't. He said "the".

Huh. Sounded to me like duh.

I don't know,

maybe it's his English accent.

And can I also say, just for the

record, the idea of an English actor

reading this came from my publisher,

not from me.

I need to make that totally clear,

I hated the idea.

OK, still rolling.

The idea You know what?

Now that I hear it,

I'm not so sure.

I never really liked that first

sentence, I might do a

I might do a quick rewrite.

This is bullshit.

I lost my train of thought.

Forget it, forget it.

It's probably OK as it is,

keep going.

Action.

The idea that John F Kennedy

Alarm bells.

There's a touch of cynicism in his

voice. You guys hear that too?

Cynicism?

And another thing,

I heard what you said about Oswald

being a lone assassin.

Only an as*h*le would believe that!

So, if you don't mind, I'd rather

you kept your personal prejudices

to yourself, you got that?

OK, Steven,

you want to make a note of that?

Yeah, I'll make a note of that.

The idea that John F Kennedy was

k*lled by a single assassin

is not only an impossibility,

it's also bullshit.

Wait a second, wait a second -

are you serious,

is this guy a real actor?

There, there.

I should hate him.

But actually, I miss him terribly!

Have another tissue, Sue.

Won't you run out?

I always have lots of tissues

for distressed clients.

What's the matter with her?

Ah, Toast, this is Sue Pipkins,

she's just joined the agency.

Why is she weeping?

Her husband left her.

What, today? Six weeks ago.

Six weeks ago?

Are you f*cking kidding? Is that it?

You could have got

remarried in that time.

To be honest, I'm not surprised

your husband left you

with all this blubbering.

Shut up, Toast.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sue!

Sorry, Sue.

Really, Toast!

Why are you so angry all the time?

What do you want, Jane?

I have tremendous news.

I finally heard back

from the Sam Mendes people. Who?

Sam Mendes, famous film director.

And?

I'm afraid you didn't get the part

of the agoraphobic fighter pilot.

That audition was 15 years ago,

Jane.

But I've had another enquiry

about you -

more reality TV,

could be a money-spinner.

Never again. Why not?

sh*t.

Broken neck.

Ah, yes. Strictly no dancing.

Strictly Come Dancing, Jane.

What kind of dancing show would it

be without any dancing on it?

I've no idea. To be honest, I'll not

sure why it's called Come Dancing.

Hopefully it's nothing to do with

the Strictly curse, what?

May I remind you, Toast,

that the cash you earned from

Strictly prevented you

from gripping the oak and spending

two years at Her Majesty's,

and what thanks do I get?

Do you know what you are, Toast?

You're a BLEEP.

Jane!

No other word for it, I'm afraid.

Yes?

Great!

Brilliant news!

I didn't want to say anything

until it'd been confirmed,

and now it has been. What has?

Do you remember a man telling you

to keep your voice down

in Tesco's last week?

Yes, some soppy Yank carrying

a small dog.

That soppy yank, as you call him,

was Neil Doubledecker,

who happens to be a top Hollywood

producer. Who cares?

All these British actors obsessed

with working in America.

If you're in a sh*t show,

it doesn't matter where you film it,

you may as well be in your own bed.

Neil Doubledecker is interested in

you for a role in his new movie.

Oh, right. So when can I meet

this Doubledecker?

"DOOB-ledecker". He thinks you're

absolutely brilliant.

I showed him your showreel, he was

literally bowled over. Fantastic.

He thinks you're the best actor

he's ever seen anywhere,

and that if you were to

appear in one of his films,

you could almost certainly win

a Critics' Choice Award.

Well, that sounds great.

It does, doesn't it?

It's utterly marvellous!

Your big break at last, Toast.

At last! Yeah!

There is, however,

one small obstacle in the way,

there's another actor who

Doubledecker thinks is

equally as good as you.

In fact, he thinks this actor may be

slightly better. Ugh, no.

He has to choose between you and

Who?!

Ray bloody Purchase?!

Never mind.

Let's assume you'll get the gig.

This could actually be an opportune

time for you

to depart to the US of A.

Talking of Americans,

how did you get on with that author,

Sola Mirrornek?

I'll tell you how I got on with him,

that b*stard had the audacity to ask

whether I was a professional actor.

Well, are you? What?!

Look, Toast,

it's between you and Purchase.

You'd better make sure you do

a brilliant audition.

Audition?!

He is terribly, terribly angry,

all the time.

Yes, Jane,

he really is terribly angry.

Maybe we should organise some

kind of intervention?

I'm actually thinking I may

send him to a doctor.

Yes, India?

Toast's on his way up. Ugh.

He's here, Ed. Better hang up.

Ah, Toast.

Look, Toast, I'll come straight

to the point - do you think,

both as an actor and a human

being, you've turned into an angry

and unreasonable piece of sh*t?

That's a bit strong, isn't it, Jane?

Your language really has become

increasingly fruity.

I'm no more angry than

I've ever been.

Several people have mentioned it.

Like who? Idris Elba.

Who?

Your peculiar flatmate, Ed.

And there's an article about

it in The Stage.

Luckily, it's The Stage

and only actors read that,

in the way that only gardeners

read The Garden.

The Guardian.

No, The Garden, gardening magazine.

Look, Toast, I've been thinking,

I really think

you need to see a doctor.

I don't trust doctors.

Last time I had a bad back,

he told me to join a choir. He what?

The doctor told me

I should go to choir practicer.

Well, maybe he meant a chiropractor?

A what?! Something to do with backs.

Look, Toast, I'm going

to book you the appointment.

I just need to get you through

this audition tomorrow.

Be very calm, very polite. Yes.

You keep that famous Toast anger

under control, alrighty?

Yes?

Thanks for letting me know.

What's the matter with you, Jane?

You've got a face like a slapped

arse. Bad news, I'm afraid.

The producer's just offered the role

to Ray Purchase. What?!

Apparently Ray went in there,

did his best Cary Grant,

charmed them all,

got offered the job on the spot.

Perhaps Doubledecker

knows about your temper?

Ray ♪

Hello, George. Francis, how's life?

Ugh, you're kidding.

Just the usual, please.

Hold back on the water,

I know what you're like.

Oh.

Sorry, Toast,

I didn't notice you there.

I was just about to phone you,

as it happens.

Bad luck, losing out on that

career-changing Hollywood movie gig.

The word is you lost out

because they heard you have a

bit of an anger issue.

Anyway.

No hard feelings.

And don't worry about

that 50 you owe me,

whenever you've got it, it's fine.

In fact, look, here's another 50.

I haven't been around for a while,

Toast, I expect you've noticed.

No.

In fact, something really

serious happened.

I reached

..peak anger.

Peak anger?

Yes, peak anger.

I figured I should do

something about it

so I booked myself into this

countryside retreat.

Yoga, meditation,

that kind of thing. Ha!

Run by a fantastic chap

called Des Wigwam.

Who specialises in anger management.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Smashing guy, super people there.

Anyway, now I feel

..not angry any more.

I'm a whole new "Ray Purchase".

Why are you doing quotation marks

with your fingers?

You are Ray Purchase.

I suppose I'm the new "improved"

Ray Purchase. Spare me.

Toast, after what happened,

I think you should go and

see this Wigwam guy.

Here, look, I'll give you his card.

I feelgreat.

I feel terrible.

Your name looks familiar.

Do you ever get confused with?

Dr Harold Shipman?

Thankfully, I'm not him.

No, luckily I dodged a b*llet

on that front. My name's Shitman.

Dr Harold Shitman.

Please take a seat.

Your blood pressure's dangerously

high, you're not breathing freely

and there's a serious risk

of heart failure.

I'm not a doctor,

what does all that mean?

It means you need

to change your lifestyle.

You're an actor, aren't you?

I saw the piece in The Stage about

you being very angry.

I thought only Actors read that?

The way only doctors read

The Doctor's Surgery?

Well, I'm an actor and a doctor. Oh.

There's a place in the country

people go to,

run by a smashing chap called

Les Tepee? No. Des Wigwam.

That's what I meant.

Let me give you his card.

He said my blood pressure is

dangerously high,

I'm not breathing freely and there's

a high risk of heart failure.

I'm not a doctor,

what does all that mean?

It's not good, apparently.

I have an idea, Toast.

Something that might interest you.

Well, she looks charming enough

but I fear I may come a cropper

with the old dicky ticker.

No, there is another place people

keep telling me about,

an anger management unit

run by a chap called Chris Marquee.

Or was it Rob Scout Hut?

Something like that.

Do you mean Des Wigwam? That's it.

I've heard he's very good.

You should go there, Toast.

You've been on edge a lot lately.

Yeah, I have.

Who the f*ck is that?

And what kind of arsehole would

call now, when we're having our tea?

Answer me that?

You can't, Ed, can you? You can't!

Looks like peak anger.

I think I need help.

How far is this bloody place?

Bloody situation this is,

I don't even want to bloody be here.

That was me, just two years ago.

And this is me today.

That's what my anger led me to,

alcohol.

Homelessness.

A shitty attitude.

But I turned my life around.

And you can too.

People ask me, "Why, Des, why?"

I say, "Who?"

They say, "What?"

Oh, I don't believe it. What?

That's Steven Toast,

he was incredibly rude to me. Why?

My husband had just left me,

so I had a breakdown,

Toast was totally unsympathetic.

I read he was one of the most angry

people in show business.

A real piece of sh*t.

OK. For the first exercise today,

I'd like you all

to just walk around the room.

Oh, God.

Come on, start walking.

Nice and slow.

Very good, very good.

OK, everybody, stop.

Look at the person closest to you.

Look closely at this person.

How does he or she make you feel?

What do you think?

Steven?

Oh, erm

I feel nothing but utter contempt.

Disgust, horror, hatred,

even looking at her makes me

feel physically sick.

OK, don't say the words out loud.

Right.

How do you feel about that, Sue?

sh*t.

That didn't go according to plan.

It's early days.

Right, Steven?

I can honestly say I I've never felt

less angry in my entire life.

It took a while with you, Toast.

You were a particularly difficult

case, but we got there in the end.

Well, I have to thank you.

Thank you, Des Wigwam.

It's what we do. You see,

we close down all your emotions.

You'll never get angry again. But

neither will you feel anything else.

Happiness, relief, satisfaction,

love, contentment, sorrow or pain.

Well, you kept that quiet. Did I?

Well, you must be furious with me.

No, I feel absolutely nothing.

Great.

You are now anger-free.

Just one final thing - you

will feel copious amounts of guilt.

Well, it's interesting you

say that, the first thing I'll do

when I get home is I'm going to

apologise to every single person

I've ever been rude to.

Good luck, Toast.

I've forgotten my case.

Yeah, it's just there.

Annoyed?

Not at all. Great.

The first person I'm going to

apologise to is Purchase.

Now, I know we've had our

differences in the past but I happen

to think he's an all-right guy

and I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

You'll see.

I'm obviously going to be

very famous!

And make lots and lots of money!

Darling, I'm in a particularly

good mood.

What's say we spend the afternoon

Oh, not now, Ray.

Purchase.

Hi, Ray, me old pal, it's Toast.

Yes, I'd like to apologise for being

rude to you over the years and

not to mention, feeling extremely

guilty for making love to your wife.

In your bed, sometimes

when you've been in the house

and sometimes

when you've been in the bed.

Every week for the past 20 years.

So, sorry chap, and all the best!

Ha!

What's the matter, Ray?

Ray ♪

Toast said he's been making

love to you

in our bed

every week for the last 20 years.

Really?

Hmm. I don't remember that.

He's probably mistaken you

for someone else.

I know you're completely innocent,

my darling.

But on the off chance that he

is telling the truth

..I need to teach Toast a lesson!

Oh, honestly, Ray, you should be

in a terrific mood after being

offered a role in that

Hollywood movie.

But you look like you're suddenly

getting angry again.

I wonder if there's anything about

it in the small print?

Oh, there it is.

In tiny, tiny letters,

"Normal emotions may return if the

"patient is reminded of a previous

trauma or hears some bad news."

I'm going out!

So, Jane, I've decided to meet lots

of people in the Colonial later.

I'm going to apologise to every

man Jack and woman Jack

of them individually.

I'm here, Toast.

Oh, yes.

That should cover it. Thanks, Toast.

Sorry for everything, Ian.

Now for this lot.

I say, thank you all for coming.

I owe each one of you a sincere

apology for my anger over the years.

I'm actually getting

quite emotional.

Keep it together, Toast.

You're making a tomfool

of yourself.

Yes, you're right, Blair.

By the way, Toast, you owe me £200.

Well, I've given all my cash to Ian,

to pay my bar tab.

Bar tab?!

Toast, the only reason all of us

are here tonight

in this bugger house is

because we thought you

were going to repay our loans.

That's the only reason we're here.

Now, what say you, sir?

Good Lord.

You'll be lucky.

By my reckoning,

I'd say I'm the only man in this

room that owes you, Toast.

This.

It's for making love to my wife

in my bed,

sometimes when I was in the house,

actually, sometimes

even when I was in the bed!

For the last 20

Oh, yeah! Come on, Purchase,

ruck in there!

Knock him out!

What have you got, Toast?

Oh, my goodness.

Purchase!

Come on, Purchase!

All right, gentlemen,

£20 on the man in the moustache.

God, not in the knackers.

Oh, my giddy Aunt Sally!

That'll teach you,

Ray bloody Purchase.

Champagne, sir?

It's an 1841 Veuve Clicquot.

I'll bet it is!

There you go, sir.

Jane? I'm safely on the plane.

Away from the baying mob.

Can you believe they only turned up

to collect money off me?

Ha! Saved in the nick of time.

Now, let me give you some more

details about the terrific

stroke of luck you've had.

With Purchase now

out of the picture,

I immediately contacted Doubledecker

to say you were still

very much available.

He said yes immediately, they're

even paying for your flight.

Ha! Thank God for Doubledecker.

"DOOB-ledecker".

And hooray for Hollywood,

you're going to Tinseltown, Toast.

Can you believe it?

How's Ray Purchase?

Two broken legs

and a badly sprained neck,

he'll be out of action for months.

Two broken legs, fantastic!

Everything's worked out dandy,

Jane, just dandy.

Have a nice day! Ha!

I almost forgot, what's the name of

the movie that I'm going to be in?

The latest Star Wars movie.

You've heard of the Star Wars,

I take it?

Yes, Jane,

even I've heard Star Wars.

Excuse me, buddy?

I think you're in my seat.

Oh, yes.

Apologies, old chap.

Toast.

Steven Toast.

I'm Nightlife.

Russ Nightlife.

Pleased to meet you.