01x05 - Death Valley

[bunniefuu]

It just says "Scream."

Yeah, Steven, that's all we need.

So, just scream.

Shouldn't take too long.

Steven, this is Clem Fandango,

can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you, Clem Fan

Why the f*ck is Clem Fandango

in a trash can?

It's a free soaking bath.

Didn't have time to go wild

river swimming this morning.

Of course he didn't. Oh, how

stupid of me. I'm terribly sorry.

No problem, Steven.

And any particular reason why

you're dressed as Jack the Ripper?

I'm on the penny-farthing today.

Oh, right.

Just a great way to see LA.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I bet that's really handy up

the hills and across the canyons.

No, Steven, a penny-farthing's not

practical for that kind of terrain,

it's more for Silver Lake,

parts of Highland Park.

I couldn't give a sh*t.

What have I got to do?

Just scream, Steven.

Ready when you are.

Sounded pretty good to me. Alrighty,

so, I'll see you soon, fellas.

Have a good day.

Sorry, sorry, Steven, that That

really didn't sound like a scream.

You what? I said it didn't

sound much like a scream.

I'll just talk to Clem about it.

OK, so we've just discussed it,

and, with regret,

have to say we both don't feel

that sounded like a scream.

Yeah, we just discussed it,

at length, and,

well, neither of us thought

it sounded like a scream.

Yeah, well, I did think

it sounded like a scream.

You thought that sounded like

a scream? Yeah, I bloody did!

What the f*ck.

OK, so, we've just discussed it,

and maybe we could write it down

phonetically. Might help.

Just take a sec.

Phonetically!

That's not a scream,

that's just uuuuh.

Well, why not try it?

Well, if I tried that, it

would just sound like uuuuh.

Give it a go.

OK, Steven, we're ready.

Uuuuh.

I think that might have been worse

than the first one, Steven.

Yes, because I can't scream!

Sorry, Steven?

I can't scream.

You satisfied? I cannot scream.

I've never been able to scream.

Even as a small child,

I could never scream.

Hey, hey, Steven,

it's all cool, man.

No, I'm sorry. Look, you're going

to have to get somebody else.

I apologise for wasting your time.

Good morning to the both of you.

Sorry, Brooke, I couldn't help

noticing we're in a stagecoach.

Yeah, I needed a little more space

this week, I got Orson Welles

dropping in, but I'll be back in

my regular office real soon.

Now, talking of stagecoaches, how

would like to appear in a western?

A western?

Bit old-fashioned, wouldn't you say?

This is one of those modern westerns

with drugs and aliens.

Aliens? Good God!

Well, if it doesn't clash with

Star Wars, then count me in.

You'll be sh**ting in Death Valley.

Death Valley?

I've heard that's particularly hot.

And what red-blooded man wouldn't

want to be dressing up as a cowboy!

Next week, you'll be having the time

of your goddamned life! Bang, bang.

Hello?

Uh, sorry, Steven,

but there aren't enough unit drivers

to take you to our desert location

so we're going to have to

pull your trailer, if that's OK?

Sorry, what was that?

Good God!

Stop!

What the f*ck!

Heaven help me.

Stop the bus!

Christ!

Uh-ah!

Bloody place.

Yee-haw! How long you been out

in the desert, cowboy guy?

Look at his eyes, Gypsy.

That must have been

one hell of a trip.

The fastest way into your mind is

through your eyes.

That's what Barney told me.

Good afternoon.

You haven't seen a film set

anywhere near here, have you?

Is that accent from the past?

No.

Are you Canadian?

No, I'm not.

Wait! I know this guy!

You were the dude sitting

in the creepy photo car.

No, no, no, I'm on my way to

a film set but my trailer ended up

in the middle of the desert,

would you believe.

Far out, man.

Jesus Christ!

You scared the sh*t out of me!

Where did you come from?

Oh, my God, it's you.

Howdy, partner.

Yeah, howdy. Erm

My name's Steven Toast, and, uh

..I need your help.

You need my help?

You sure?

We're all here to help each other,

brother.

Fantastic. Look, I need to get

back to Los Angeles.

Is there a town near here

where I can get a taxi?

Hey, Barney, why don't we take him

back to the ranch?

OK, now. What if I was to

give you a ride back to LA?

Would you do something for me,

cowboy?

That would depend on

the nature of the request.

In for a penny, in for a pound.

My!

Say, Snorky, twirl for me.

Twirl!

Blimey.

Get up.

Why don't you girls go with

blondie, fetch my guitar,

and make yourselves look pretty.

Daddy's got talk business

with his new Canadian buddy.

Canadian?

Sit down, cowboy.

Is that a scorpion?

About that favour you said you were

going to do for me

Yep. I remember.

You know he's out there somewhere.

Out in the desert.

Who? Whom is out there?

Rusty Halloween, that's who.

I sent him off a year ago to find me

the meanest deadliest

sidewinder rattlesnake

in the whole damn desert.

"But, Uncle Barney, why would you

want to bring a nasty-a*s

"rattlesnake back here?"

you might be thinking.

I wasn't thinking that.

I got plans for that snake.

A guy in Sacramento

twisted my melons, man,

and Barney can't let that roll.

You dig?

So, I got to send him

a messsssssssssssssssssss

..sssssssssssssss

..ssssssssssssssssssssage.

You dig what I'm saying, cowboy?

Yes. I'm sorry about that hissing.

I have a speech impediment

which means I can't say the word

"message" properly.

Yes, you can,

you said it right there.

Did I?

Yes.

Anyway I need you to find me

Rusty Halloween.

That's all very interesting

but I've got a part in

the new Star Wars movie.

Yeah, sure.

So I don't really have time to go

searching the desert for snakes.

Mm-hm? GYPSY! Ugh!

You're going to head

in that direction.

After about four hours, you'll hit

a town called Gaping Hole.

Ask for a dr*fter named Rusty

Halloween.

Gypsy!

Bring out the water.

Do you not have a bigger container?

That's all we got, cowboy.

And don't get any ideas about

cutting loose.

Or coming back without a snake.

You dig?

I dig.

Now, I just need you to sign this.

Snorky!

What the hell is that?

Oh, this thing? It just says that

if you don't do what I ask,

then you agree to be

hunted down and k*lled.

And what if I refuse to sign it?

Between you and me, she's crazy.

Likes that sh*t more than I do.

Yeah, so I can see.

All right, I'll sign.

Just here.

Oh, and another thing. Snorky!

When you find Halloween,

give him this goldfish.

Do what?

This is Halloween's goldfish.

He loves this goldfish.

I'm sure he's missing it like hell.

You seriously want me

to travel across the desert

with this goldfish?

Bye-bye, cowboy guy.

Jim?

Hey, Steven.

God, a familiar face.

What are you doing here?

If you want to use the phone,

it's not working.

Don't you have a mobile?

Hm?

Listen, to cut a long story short,

I'm looking for someone

called Rusty Halloween

who lives out here in the desert.

Do you know him?

Jim?

Jim?

A glass of water, please,

barman.

And a whiskey,

if you'd be so kind.

I needed that. Tell me, I'm looking

for a man called Rusty Halloween.

Do you know him?

Rusty Halloween?

Snake guy? That's the chap.

Well, I recall

he owned a private zoo

and then one day,

he let all his animals roam free

here in the desert.

I ain't seen him in a while.

You know, it was his damn tiger

that bit of Sheriff Baker's arm.

Sounds like our man.

Listen, do you have a toilet here?

A toilet?

Yes.

Oh, um, a latrine.

A sh*t box.

A bathroom.

Well, sure.

It's right upstairs.

My grandfather's hands

went a-wandering

Wandering from north to south. ♪

Ooh.

I'm terribly sorry,

this must be the wrong room.

No, no, no, come on in.

My name's Wildcat Lil.

I got Wildcat in my name

but I got a heart of gold.

Howdy, stranger.

Whatcha doing here in Gaping Hole?

I'm looking for a chap

called Rusty Halloween.

Geez, that's one hell of an accent,

are you from Toronto?

No, I'm not from Toronto.

You say you're looking for

Rusty Halloween? The snake guy?

Yes, I am.

He hung around here for

a while last winter.

We're a tightly-knit community.

It's just me, bartender,

never really says much,

Sheriff, Doc Brown,

and Bill, the old-timer.

The sheriff lost an arm in a fight

with a wild tiger, which was

one of the animals released from

Halloween's private zoo.

Yeah, I've just heard

that from the old-timer downstairs.

That tiger is still out there

in the desert somewhere.

Do you think the sheriff might know

Rusty Halloween's exact whereabouts?

He might,

but he ain't around right now.

He's at an international

human rights standards for law

enforcement conference in Sweden.

Should be back in a few days.

Mm.

Maybe I'll hang around.

Well, that will be just fine.

Good Lord.

I once heard a preacher in Tucson

say that a goldfish

is as smart as any human being

and if he had heads and arms and

legs, well, there would be nothing

to stop it becoming president

of this here United States.

Well, I don't doubt

that for a second.

You're looking for Halloween,

ain't you?

Yeah. Mm.

I know where he is.

You do? Mm-hm.

I saw him about two weeks ago.

About 20 mile from here.

He lives in an old abandoned

tin mine out by Silver Creek.

An old abandoned tin mine, you say?

Yeah.

And how do I find it?

Well,

the best way

is Google Maps.

In 50 yards, turn right.

Then, turn left.

Oh, sh*t!

Back in the bag!

You're on private property, cowboy.

Is that a goldfish in your bag?

Yes, it is.

You better come inside.

h*-h*! My, oh, my!

I can't actually believe it's you,

little fella.

I'd heard you and the goldfish

were close.

sh*t, is that your real accent?

Vancouver, right? Sit down.

Listen, I don't suppose you have

any food, do you? I'm starving.

Food?

Supplies ran out weeks ago.

All I got left is, uh

..a little box of

anti-snakebite pills.

Hey. I've got something to show you.

What's that?

Dolphin World.

In Miami.

Oh-h*-h*-h*, baby!

Whoo!

Welcome home, little buddy.

Welcome home.

Now, ain't that something.

It certainly is.

Look, I'm starving, are you sure

you don't have anything to eat?

Hope you don't mind

having the head, mister,

because I just can't

look him in the eyes.

Not a problem.

It's most generous of you.

Must be a bit weird -

finally reuniting with your

beloved goldfish,

playing with it in the miniature

version of Dolphin World in Miami,

and then eating it?

Lots of crazy things happen

out here in the desert.

I heard you had a private zoo.

That's right.

It started out small.

A few mice and a hen.

And things got out of hand.

Tigers, elephants, emus,

llamas, apes.

Had to let them all go.

There's still a tiger out

there somewhere.

When did you run into Barney?

I'm guessing that's

the purpose of your visit.

Guilty as charged.

I heard he sent you out here

to get him a giant rattlesnake.

That's right,

but I haven't seen any.

Like you, I can't go back

until I find one.

That Barney is mad as

a pack of baboons.

And that Gypsy, who he rolls with,

she scares

the living sh*t out of me.

She's worse. Mm.

Finally told me if I didn't

complete his task, he'd k*ll me.

Mentioned something about some chap

in Sacramento twisting his melons.

That's all very, very puzzling.

Ah! That's Barney all right.

That was surprisingly filling.

May I use your facilities?

My what? Your lavatory.

Your water closet. Your bathroom

..as you Americans say,

inaccurately.

This is just a one-room cabin in the

middle of the Death Valley desert,

there ain't no water lavatories,

you're going to have to go outside.

I'm presuming you don't have

any toilet paper?

A toilet what?

Let's hope there aren't

any complications.

Least that sandstorm's died down.

I wouldn't fancy getting

any of that up my Khyber.

Khyber.

Jesus H Christ.

Uh.

I say, Rusty Halloween!

I think I've found your

Snake? Yes.

I can't believe it.

It's a giant sidewinder rattler.

I've been searching for you

for months.

Open the crate.

Now, stay perfectly still and listen

very carefully to everything I say.

If a rattler feels threatened

..the best way to avoid attack

is to move very, very slowly

..assess the situation

..and listen carefully for any

Oh, f

f*cking brilliant.

Don't know how I managed that but

nice job, even if I say so myself.

Now, all I need to do is

nail the f*ck shut.

I'm alive.

I wasn't k*lled by the tiger.

Thank God.

Oh, sh*t!

Hey, I was talking to Sheriff Baker,

and he was telling me all about

his lecture at the international

human rights standards for law

enforcement conference in Sweden.

Yeah? So, what did he say?

Well, primarily,

there are four domains of practice -

assessment, primarily pre-employment

referrals

I need help.

Toast!

Looks like your arm's been

chewed damn right off!

Guess we better

clean him up them, Doc?

Hot damn!

You're lucky, Toast,

you've got the kind of arm

that can be easily reattached.

You need to keep it on ice

till you get to a hospital.

I'll just give you some more

painkillers.

It doesn't hurt that much,

not since I took some of Rusty

Halloween's anti-snakebite pills.

Those pills kept you

going for a while,

but there will be a delayed shock.

Believe me, by tomorrow,

you'll be praying to the devil

himself to ease your pain.

Ah, sh*t.

All right, well,

thank you very much, Doc Brown.

You better get some rest.

I, uh, got a bottle of Wild Turkey

waiting for me at Ma Reilly's place.

I'll see you all tomorrow.

Night, Bill.

I've got to go and perform

a vasectomy early tomorrow.

So, I better go.

Night, Doc. Good luck with that.

I must thank you, Wildcat Lil,

you've been very kind to me.

It's been nice having you around.

I must say, it gets kind of lonely

looking at the same old faces

all the time and

..you've got a nice face.

Hm.

Ooh!

Well, this is very good.

Very good indeed.

And that'll do it.

Coffee?

Don't mind if I do.

Presuming you don't have any tea?

No tea here, honey.

Ain't got no cups neither so I have

to pull it straight into your face.

All right, just a little.

Last night's sex was superb.

You certainly live up to your name,

Wildcat Lil.

I've never had sex with

a one-armed man before.

Apart from Sheriff Baker.

Where is my arm?

It's in the mini fridge.

Right, well, I better get back

to crazy Barney

and deliver his snake pronto.

How do I get out of here,

my darling?

You can borrow my mule and cart.

oh, darn it! Doc Brown or Bill

must have taken my mule!

Can you pull the cart yourself?

I'm sure I can manage that.

I'll make sure you get

your mini fridge back.

Lucky it's solar powered.

Don't forget your pill.

You heard what the doc said.

As soon as the painkillers wear off,

the pain will be tremendous.

Hopefully,

you'll be back in LA by then.

Let's hope so.

You've been very kind to me.

I'll never forget you, Wildcat Lil.

Goodbye!

Bye.

sh*t.

Hey, look who it is.

What happened to your arm, cowboy?

It was bitten off by a tiger.

Your snake's in the wooden box.

Hold on, buddy.

This snake is dead.

It looks all right to me.

Don't dance with me, man.

This snake is as dry

as a g*dd*mn bone.

Why didn't you feed him?

I don't know. I guess that means

we've got to k*ll you.

Ain't that right, Gypsy?

Sure is.

He signed a contract.

Yeah, at gunpoint.

And I don't remember any stipulation

about the snake having to be alive.

Is that right, cowboy?

Yes.

Turn around now!

Step over here.

What the hell is that?

It's a box with dead rattlesnake

in it.

What's in the mini fridge?

My arm. It got bitten off

by a tiger.

Is that so? Yeah-yeah.

You ever hear an accent

like that before, Mickey?

Toronto, am I right?

Ha-ha-ha!

Looks like we've got the hippie

that ambushed that movie crew.

No, no, no, I'm one of the actors.

I'm actually over here to

appear in the new Star Wars movie.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You don't want me,

you want these two.

sh*t. They were there a second ago.

Sure they were. All right.

Now, get your g*dd*mn hands

in the air

and don't you move,

you Canadian cowboy b*stard.