01x04 - Ai-Jegue

[bunniefuu]

Hurry up.

Deliver this note

to Colonel Tibúrcio of the Caatingueiras.

Yes, Captain.

This food tastes awful.

Don't be ungrateful or you'll starve.

I'm telling Captain.

-But sir, I added salt.

-There's no salt in it.

-It doesn't have salt.

-I added salt.

No parsley either.

-What about the parsley?

-Hey!

She do something wrong?

-Captain, this food is too bland.

-Girl.

Go get him more salt.

-Jararaca, get his accordion.

-Aye, sir.

Because he's gonna die playing it.

Didn't you want salt?

C'mon! Salt his food.

Play some Beethoven.

Shove it in his mouth.

Give him more salt.

More salt in his mouth.

Play until you die.

Give him more.

Eat it, man.

C'mon, man. Don't stop now.

Let him squirm.

My apologies.

Send my regards to your father.

What should I do with the body,

Mr. Lampião?

He's full of salt. Make some beef jerky!

What now, Captain?

We keep heading to Mossoró?

Depends on the response.

It might just be

that we'll have to turn back.

A NETFLIX SERIES

Sayonara!

-Hail.

-Hail.

-Are the goats eating with us, Captain?

-No, Miss Delay. This is vegan sushi.

Top-tier food.

A Michelin-star gourmet dish.

It sure looks good.

What the f*ck is sushi?

"Su" means "fish," and "shi" means "raw."

So "shi-shi" would mean "raw-raw"?

Say that again with that pout, come on.

I can't eat leaves.

I'm a growing boy, Captain.

These aren't leaves, my boy.

These are raw palm slices,

mandacaru cactus slices

with a pitomba reduction,

and touches of mastruz, wasabi-style.

All to be enjoyed

with handmade chopsticks.

Captain, these are pretty and all,

but they're still leaves.

My friends, I'm reinventing sushi.

This is a modern dish.

It blends a Japanese tradition

with the best of our regional cuisine.

Oh, what a load of--

Show some respect to Captain, loudmouth.

Can't we have

some goat stew instead, Captain?

Goat stew? Is that what you like?

-We like that, yeah.

-I do.

Wait. Did you hear that?

We should take 20 steps

on the road towards the east.

Then seven and a half steps

towards the west.

When we reach a mandacaru cactus

that looks like a crooked nose,

we hop three times.

Why hop three times?

To shake off the dust

the goat will raise once it comes. Got it?

You know what?

I'm gonna show you how to get a goat.

Waze, come with me!

We can't have eyewitnesses

if we're mugging people. Let's go.

Wait up, Captain.

The Captain is really brave.

I'm going to try one. Ouch.

-I'm hungry.

-Stick it like this.

It kinda smells like nothing.

There's no smell at all.

If only I could grab it.

Give me the goat and don't move.

I have a knife to your throat.

What? Stay still, you scalawag!

Stay still, you little sh*t.

You wretch.

-What's that?

-C'mon, man.

-Give us the goat.

-The goat?

But my wife, my kids,

my mother-in-law, and my dogs

are waiting for us back home.

This goat's supposed to be

our week's supper.

-We haven't eaten in days.

-Shut up, worthless scum!

-Do what Captain says.

-Forget the goat. Give us the donkey.

The donkey, Captain?

Donkey meat is as tough as shoes.

He helps me support my family.

I need the donkey

for my door-to-door sales.

So take the slippers.

Slippers are worse

than donkey meat, Captain.

I need them at my place.

They protect my feet

from chilblains or shingles and stuff.

That's leather.

Give us the black slippers.

Come on, Captain. Those are to protect

my feet from bandits in the woods.

Should I run barefoot?

I'd get really hurt.

Bandits, huh? Oh boy.

These roads are really dangerous.

You have no idea, Captain.

There are also forest spirits.

Forest spirits? God help us all.

Here's what we'll do.

You can have my knife.

You can use it to fend off

bandits or forest spirits.

You're an almost decent man, Captain.

Let me repay your kindness.

What the hell is that?

What's this nasty smell?

This isn't like the "Rogi Gale" cologne

you wear, but it smells nice.

Hang on, man!

Are you trying to k*ll me? I'm allergic.

It tightens my throat, gives me hives.

You know what? Beat it. Go.

Take your donkey, your goat,

your cologne, and beat it. Just leave.

No.

Man. Don't feel sorry

for that old peddler.

He makes his donkey

carry a bunch of wares and stuff

and wanders around by himself

making a lot of money.

I can relate.

But I didn't earn money or stars.

Wait a second.

A guy wandering around

with his donkey making deliveries?

I just had a great business idea.

Business?

Wake up, dumbass.

Thank you.

A round of applause.

Thanks!

I, Colonel Tibúrcio of the Caatingueiras…

-Get up here, stupid.

-Yes, sir.

…am honored to bestow

an award upon this man.

He's manly.

And brave.

And fearless.

He's unbreakable.

What's wrong, man? Getting emotional?

No, sir. The brooch pricks me

every time you hit it.

-Don't be a sissy, you pantywaist.

-Yes, sir.

-Can't you handle a few pricks?

-I can handle it.

I now pronounce you

Lieutenant Rufino!

C'mon, a round of applause.

Come here, give me that.

Signed by President Washington Luiz.

Wa-wa, shing-shing, ton-ton. Washington.

-Come on.

-It's his handwriting.

It's real, I tell you. Take it.

There, Lieutenant.

-Ready for your first mission?

-Yes, sir.

All right,

you shall go around Caatingueiras

and gather the most bloodthirsty,

dangerous, perverse men you can find,

and turn them into a troop

big enough to defend us from Lampião.

-What do you want, woman?

-Colonel, Lampião's been acting different.

-k*ll her.

-Right?

He only kills, pillages,

stabs, maims, or beheads

when he's far from here.

I think an entire troop is too much.

No, Mrs. Zulmira.

You're such a big mouth

that your funeral will have two caskets,

one for you and one for your mouth.

I thought you called yourself

his biggest ally?

His friend?

And now you're assembling a troop?

Is that some Judas business or what?

No, Mrs. Zulmira.

The one responsible for the troop

is Lieutenant Rufino, Ms. Zulmira.

Lieu-lieu, ten-ten, nant-nant. Lieutenant.

-Ju-ju, das-das, Judas!

-Enough!

Now Caatingueiras has a law enforcer.

And whatever he decides…

is decided.

Stay still, c'mon.

Caatingueiras anthem!

Thank you very much.

Wake up, dumbass.

Photo.

ZÉ BOFÃO'S STORE

GROCERIES, PHARMACY

Howdy.

What's up? How's the business going?

It hasn't been going at all.

Captain, business couldn't be worse.

You know why

you're not getting any business?

Because you're not doing anything.

-What do you mean?

-You wait for customers to show up.

They ain't coming, you fool.

People want convenience.

You know what that is?

As the saying goes,

"If the customer won't come to Mohammed,

Mohammed must go to the customer."

By donkey if necessary.

By donkey? Mohammed?

-Yeah.

-It's just a metaphor.

I was using a figure of speech.

It's like that traveling salesman.

He probably makes more money than you.

So I'm here to propose a partnership.

The first delivery service

in the Hinterlands.

iDonkey!

-Are you all right, Captain?

-Yeah, I'm okay.

It's "iDonkey," the name.

It's a delivery service,

like the application.

-And what's an application?

-Great question!

"Appli"

is Persian

for, "their." Right?

And "cation" is Aramaic

for "service, product,

business."

"Business."

Here's what we'll do,

you provide the donkey,

and I provide the workforce.

But it was my idea,

so it's my intellectual property.

-Deal?

-Hey, wait a sec.

Before closing this deal,

I need to understand how this thing works.

Then let me explain, honey pie.

First, one of us goes door to door

getting orders from residents,

like the app.

-"App"?

-Yeah.

At the store, two people get the orders,

select the products,

and load them on the donkeys for dispatch.

iDonkey

And someone here at the store

needs to be responsible

for the bookkeeping.

At least two of us make the deliveries

so the service is faster

and everyone gets five stars.

-You didn't read the note, Miss Delay.

-You didn't tell me to!

iDonkey

All right, Conceição!

You know all about jackasses!

C'mon, keep doing it.

Then there's payment.

We can take cash,

credit card,

three installments max, or Venmo.

I got it, Mrs. Maria.

It'll be a huge success.

I don't know how, but it will.

We'll deliver

There's no need to come get it

iDonkey

We'll deliver

There's no need to come get it

iDonkey

We'll deliver

There's no need to come get it

iDonkey

"iDonkey."

Where do you get those ideas, Captain?

How can I put this?

Let's just say,

I'm a man ahead of his time.

I learn so much from you, sir.

No need to call me "sir."

Don't I deserve a little something?

Christ!

You deserve

a river bath to put an end to that stink.

I don't see how. The rivers are dry.

Let me see.

Do I really smell bad?

Like garbage.

I mean,

we just need to bless your body

with soap and water, Captain.

And there's one place in the village

that never runs out of water.

Ms. Escandalosa's place. Come.

-What if people don't pay?

-If they don't, you can call the CRA,

"Captain Requires Atonement."

I don't get it.

I'm not taking you to the brothel.

People will think you're a harlot.

I'm not calling you one,

but people will think you're one,

though you're not.

Are you afraid of the bath or the brothel?

I just think it won't look good

if I leave the brothel with wet hair.

Don't tell me

you're afraid of taking a bath.

No, but global warming is getting worse.

Even some Hollywood stars

don't shower every day.

The whole world is saving water.

But you're not just anyone, sir.

Go scrub yourself.

Take a sponge bath at least.

I'm washing from the neck down.

Are you hurt, Captain?

All my entrances are like that.

Scares my enemies.

If the threat is big enough,

I do a double twisting somersault.

-It's a parkour thing.

-"Parkour," Captain?

Wow!

What a fancy request.

Come on, get closer. We haven't had

a good customer in a long time.

All we get are bums.

Ms. Escandalosa, don't hurt my feelings.

Don't be so defiant.

My poems are art,

so don't mistreat your client.

You're completely useless.

All you do is write poems.

You never shake our sheets.

But I get my inspiration here.

Have a heart.

Oh boy.

You turned this brothel into your office.

Taking advantage of their free Wi-Fi?

I've done it too. I'm slick as a cat.

-Oh, so are we.

-Meow.

How may I serve you, Captain?

I don't need much, you know?

If I could have an electric shower

to warm my body, that'd be great.

I don't know what an electric shower is,

but I can warm you up.

How about a pork stew bath?

Pork stew bath?

Yeah, you wash your feet,

your ears, and your tail.

So the face,

the feet, and the a*s, Captain?

Face, feet, a*s!

Say no more.

I know how to get your body warm.

Come on, girls.

Let's do it.

Hail Mary, thank you, Lord.

May I ask

what you're doing at the brothel?

What the hell?

You following me?

Since you've joined the cangaço,

you've changed, Mariá.

Where's the Mariá I knew?

She's right here.

Maybe you just thought you knew me.

-I worry about you, Mariá.

-Let me go!

The Captain is a bandit.

You keep following him,

you'll end up branded like his cattle.

-Really, Rufino?

-Really.

As my father used to say,

"You only know someone

after eating a kilo of salt with them."

From a distance,

it may seem like Captain is a bad man.

But from up close,

living with him, side by side,

he's sweeter than molasses.

You keep praising him to my face

just because he's Lampião.

You should know, I'm a Lieutenant now.

I have a rank.

-A lieutenant?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-So you'll admire me like you admire him.

Who said I don't admire you?

Really?

You admire me?

You're a good man.

You only had the misfortune

of becoming an orphan too soon.

And now you're forced

to lick that colonel's boots.

But, listen,

there's still time to change.

If you want,

I'll talk to Captain again

and ask him to let you join the g*ng.

-How about it?

-No.

I don't want that.

I'm not a bandit, Mariá.

I'm a man of the law.

I'm a lieutenant.

All right.

You've chosen your side, then.

And I've chosen mine.

We'll go our own ways.

Then we'll find out

who's on the right side.

Now if you'll excuse me,

"Lieutenant."

I don't really need a bath.

I don't smell that bad.

God, what a foul stench.

I didn't know you were the kind of man

to visit brothels, Virguley.

Cut it out. Stop haunting me.

I'm here to take a bath.

You can ask the harlots. They'll tell you.

A bath, huh?

Mariá shouldn't have brought you here.

Resisting temptation

has never been your forte.

What are you saying, man?

I'm resisting confessing my love for her.

The beautiful Mariá.

Sure.

You're just afraid she'll reject you.

-Afraid she'll cheat on you.

-I don't get cheated on.

And you talk too much, man.

All I heard in São Paulo was no after no.

Isn't that why

you're a long way from São Paulo?

I was told

you were looking for something burning hot

to fill you up with energy.

That's not exactly what I meant.

If you have a sponge for my privates,

that'd be fine.

That's why I'm here.

To rub myself all over your privates

and make my captain

squeaky clean and slippery as an eel.

You hunk.

Shameless.

Wait. Say something, quick.

Good luck.

I'll take care of you, babe.

Just relax, okay?

Loosen up.

Oh, Captain,

I'm going to take such good care of you.

Captain, I think you could use

a new fragrance.

It smells like an animal died in here.

But-- Oh my God.

-Here.

-Not cologne!

No, not cologne!

Call 911!

My God, what have I done?

-You thief! Damn you!

-This is absurd.

I want my money back!

I asked for a rooster, but I got flour.

I asked for milk to make porridge,

and I got herbs to treat scabs.

Go talk to Customer Service. Go on!

Where's my milk?

What the hell is going on here?

You wanna know what's going on?

This iDonkey thing

was the worst investment I've ever made.

It's all going wrong.

This guy is a jackass himself.

-A jackass?

-A jackass!

A jackass.

Hold me back.

Let me go! Let go of me!

Enough!

The Captain is rough.

He jumped my bones

until he couldn't take it anymore.

Girl, what did you do

to wear him out like that?

How should I know, Ivonete?

Just when the c*ck was about to sing,

he got all jittery

and began to squirm like this.

I've never seen anything so horrible.

-And look.

-No way.

-A foul stench.

-My goodness.

I heard that Conceição

Got stood up by Lampião

The King of Cangaço went limp

Go on.

Spoiled food.

Fish!

What's all this crap?

The clients are angry as hell.

Jesus Christ.

I leave you alone for one minute

and everything goes downhill.

-Why are you lying there?

-I'm resting. Good for the digestion.

I just had lunch.

You had food and didn't share?

Mariá, survival of the fittest.

You listen to me, Bumper.

We are a g*ng.

And individuals in a g*ng

act for the benefit of the whole group,

not just for themselves.

Who filled this chamber pot with flour?

Guys, I said we had to be prudent.

I thought you meant

not to let anything go to waste.

-Give me my clogs.

-I ain't giving them to you.

Who said they're yours?

They gave them to me.

What's all this ruckus?

Mariá, I got these clogs

as payment for one of my deliveries.

-Now Mock-Up insists they're his.

-You're taking clogs as payment?

-We are.

-Give it to me.

Amare, Captain said we should only take

Venmo, credit card, or slips.

Sure, but he didn't say

what the hell those things are!

I don't wanna lose my trips,

so I take anything.

If we can't accept clogs as payment,

I'll take them as a tip.

-So small, yet so selfish.

-Calm down, people.

We need a plan.

That's right, Motherboard,

and it has to unite us.

Everyone's been thinking of themselves

and neglecting the group.

If you can't even

work together managing a store,

what happens

if there's a life-or-death situation?

I quit. I can't take it anymore.

I quit.

"Oh, Lockdown,

I can't take it anymore. I quit."

-You deserve worse.

-Where's Captain? He can fix this.

Jesus Christ, what is this?

Captain was very disrespectful.

When he set his eyes on my girl,

he passed out.

It's because, whenever I put on cologne,

I have to close my eyes or it burns.

She sprayed it on me too quickly

and I got all messed up.

Luckily, the sun evaporated it.

I'm fine now.

Look, Captain, I'm going back to work.

Life ain't easy.

You owe me a bottle of cologne

and half an hour of Conceição's time.

She's a sex worker!

Being a Christian ain't easy.

Now, Captain smells real nice.

Captain, for God's sake, help me.

You have to deal with these clients.

I can't afford to lose all this money.

What's causing all this ruckus?

As soon as we left,

the g*ng made a huge mess.

Besides mixing up everyone's orders,

they accepted anything as payment.

Mariá, all this switcheroo

is giving me a headache.

Switcheroo?

Mr. Zé Bofão,

I think I know

how we can reverse this situation.

-She knows.

-Come on, Captain.

She knows.

We've had problems with deliveries,

but we're gonna fix it.

Mrs. Graça, you wanted a rooster

and got flour, right?

Right.

Let go.

Here's a watch.

Better than a rooster at telling time.

Checkout's over there.

You wanted to make porridge, right?

That's right.

But, mister,

you have those new dentures

the colonel gave you.

Here's sugar cane candy.

Put those teeth to use.

-Thanks.

-Bite away!

-You're returning this?

-It's not what I ordered.

You look like

you enjoy dancing the xaxado.

Look at these nice clogs.

If they don't fit you,

use them as a chopping board.

I really wanted those clogs.

Oh, poor thing.

Don't be sad, we'll get you new clogs.

-Let it go.

-Next.

Give me that.

I don't have change.

-Would you take candy?

-Thanks.

There. Thank you.

Don't forget to pick up your free sample.

Did you get your freebie?

You can eat it using chopsticks.

Or your hands. It'll taste the same.

This is gourmet mandacaru cactus. Go on.

It's quality stuff.

That was a great idea.

When life gives you lemons,

make hillbilly punch.

-You take me for a hillbilly?

-Of course not.

I'm the hillbilly. You're top-notch.

I don't know what that means.

But you're my role model.

Forgive me for being so bold, but…

Attention!

At ease!

Don't forget.

You're the real heroes.

You are!

-You're the real peacekeepers.

-Ouch!

Do you have a bowel problem, soldier?

Because your voice is a bit screechy.

-No, sir, Colonel.

-That's not how you speak.

-Talk like a man.

-No, sir, Colonel!

That's more like it!

Lampião is a second-rate bandit

who's all, "Blah-blah-blah."

He gives people presents at our expense.

Not our expense, my expense.

You're all dirt poor.

Rufino!

I expect you back here

with that b*stard's head in your hands.

That would make me proud of you.

Don't worry, Colonel.

-No one wants him dead more than I do!

-That's what I like to hear.

Mariá will see who chose the right side.

Love is beautiful.

Come on, men. Move it!

-Colonel!

-Halt, Rufino.

-Don't go just yet.

-What is it?

-A message from Captain Virgulino.

-Let me see.

What is it, Colonel?

It seems that what seems to be

is not what it seems.

Come again, Colonel?

There are two Lampiões!

Which means

one of them is an impostor.

IN MEMORY OF