01x01 - A Storm Is Coming

[bunniefuu]

Julio!

It doesn't look like it's gonna rain.

Julio!

- Julio!
- Chinga su madre.

I know.

- Come on now. Right there.
- Right there, man.

Yeah, man.

- You got him.
- Hey!

My bad to interrupt
but do you fools mind moving your car?

I'm a little late for work.

Bad timing. We're in the middle
of an important race right now.

Yeah, it's Black versus Mexicans.

Hey, I'm Salvadorian.

Damn, all sensitive.

You know what? I think I got room.

I used to valet.

f*ck!

I wasn't a valet.

Why the f*ck did I say that?

I got this.

You got it, you got it, you got it.
You got it.

You know what? I'll just go around.

- Ooh.
- What the f*ck is he doing?

Ooh! He got the little white fence!

What the f*ck?

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Ooh.
- Oh, sh*t.

Hey, good lookin' out, fellas.

At Hugs Not th*gs, you get a second chance

to decide who you want to be.

Whether you're a former g*ng member

or previously incarcerated,

we offer the resources you need
to transform your life.

The system may have left you behind,
but we're here for you.

And we're proud to say
we remove more tattoos

than anyone else in Los Angeles.

Hey, big dawg, we can wipe away
that teardrop tattoo, no problem.

Look, check it out,
we offer free legal counseling,

solar panel installation classes.

Oh, and here's the founder.

Hey, Minister Payne.

This is Fabian.
He's thinking about joining the program.

What's up, big dawg?

"What's up" is we just found out
Sir Richard Branson

is making a generous donation
in the amount of $10,000.

Oh, good.

Cheapskate m*therf*cker
spends billions of dollars

going up into space,

barely gives us enough money
for making rent.

Richard, please, throw down
a few more pennies

from the troposphere.

Astronaut son of a b*tch!

Very nice to meet you, Fabian.

Welcome.

Space Knight m*therf*cker!

That fool's a minister?

He's a Unitarian Universalist.

Those fools are like hippies but angry.

Oh, yeah, can't believe
I forgot to mention.

As a bonus for signing up,

all new Huggers get a free mug.

So what do you say, big dawg?

Ready to make a better life for yourself?

Imma be honest with you.

I don't think this sh*t's for me, bro.

Listen, I get it, big dawg.

I know what the street life is like.

What you know about street life?

You look like you got
a season pass to Disneyland.

Nah, fool, I grew up in these streets.

And believe me, I've seen some sh*t.

I was cruising through the neighborhood
on my new wheels,

just chillin',
when all of a sudden this car pulled up.

But I didn't panic.

I instinctively maneuvered out of the way.

My homie Brian was there.

So I asked him, "What's going on?"

And he tells me,
"Your cousin's drug deal went awry."

Oh, sh*t, Julio?

What's crackin'?

'Sup, Luis? Just chillin'.

Kinda scared.

Are you f*cking roller skating?

Well, it's actually
aggressive roller blading.

Damn, fool,
somehow that sounds even gayer.

Hey, say hi to my tía for me, alright?

And don't give her any problems
or I'll beat your a*s.

Okay, I won't.

And then I said,
"Thanks for not sh**ting me!"

Hey, no offense, my boy,

but you come off
like a punk-a*s b*tch in that story.

That's my point.

My cousin spent
the last eight years in prison.

Meanwhile, I'm out here
living my best life.

I even got dental insurance.

Look. Check it out.

Get in here.

Man, your teeth still look
pretty f*cked up, though.

Yeah, but guess what?

They used to be even more f*cked up.

Look, you're gonna do
what you're gonna do.

But studies show
that the life expectancy of a gangster,

on average, 24 years old.

But the life expectancy
of a punk-a*s b*tch?

76 years old.

Orientation is at 10:00 tomorrow.

Don't be late.

There's gonna be orange juice.

Maggie?

- Oh, hey, Julio, what's up?
- You need something?

Did you just steal my car?

Excuse me?

Don't use that word with me.

My car broke down,
so I borrowed yours to run errands.

I'll bring it back tonight, beggar.

When did I say you could borrow my car?

Remember when you left
your spare key at my house

- that one time on accident?
- Yeah?

Then do the math, b*tch.

Oh, by the way,
your check engine light is on.

Julio, that's dangerous.
I should be the one who is mad.

You know what, actually?

How f*cking dare you?
You put me in danger.

Why the f*ck would you do that to me?

- Well, bring it back then.
- I gotta pick up Luis.

No sh*t.

They're letting your cousin out?

Man, the prison system is stupid.

Actually, he's gonna
stay with us for a while.

Imma help that fool get his life together.

Take that fool under my wing.

You know, Julio,
you really are the nicest ex I have.

That's why I thought
you'd be cool if I borrowed your car.

But if you want me
to bring it back, that's fine.

Thank you.

I'll just call another ex.

Maybe Carlos.

We're talking again.

The Black man is the original man.

And Latinos, Asians, and Native Americans
are all our children.

Now some of you make me proud,

but some of you are not men.

You may have the body of a man,

but possess a child's will.

Stand up for the word of the Lord.

A storm is comin'!

Sorry I'm late!

Damn, you run slow.

You should have brought
your roller skates.

They were roller blades.

It's different.

So... where's your ride at, primo?

I let my home girl borrow it.

But don't worry, I got you.

I'll call us an Uber.

Uber is like the taxi of the future.

Uber is like the taxi of the future.

I know what Uber is, pendejo.

Eh, talking to me like that.

Actually, they have Uber in prison.

Yeah. His name is Thumper.

And if you give him a pack of cigarettes,
he'll carry you around, like, hey.

It's pretty convenient.

Damn, my boy.
I haven't seen you forever.

Hey, for real though,

why does your body still look 19

but your face looks 56, fool?

Yup.

You got Edward James Olmos' face.

Welcome back, fool. I missed you too.

Ehh.

Don't be nasty, alright? We're family.

I don't get down like that.

Cool. Yeah. Okay.

I'm gonna beat your a*s, Michael!

- Hey, hey, Aiden.
- Come here.

Gotta be more careful, alright?

You almost just broke
this photo of me and my mom.

I'm gonna forgive you
because you're a little homie.

But if this was a level four yard,
I would've stabbed you.

You understand?

Yeah.

Okay.

Now, come here. Give me a hug.
I'm your tío Luis, alright?

I love you, mijo.

Julio. Julio!

Eh, who let
the Mexican Oompa Loompa in here, huh?

Oompa!

Hey, what's up with that tarp
I saw on the roof?

Yeah, teach his a*s.

This fool can't even build Legos.

It's the least I could do to repay you.

Actually, I have some exciting news.

I've kinda become a big deal
at Hugs Not th*gs

which is now the fifth largest
g*ng rehabilitation center in Los Angeles.

Anyway, I pulled a few strings
and I was able to get Luis a spot.

Imma be your case manager,
help you find a new career.

You can case manage these nuts, homie.

Yeah, Julio, you're the one
who needs to get your life together.

Like, you waste all your money
buying dumb-a*s comic books

and I literally saw CDs in your room.

Like, who the f*ck pays for music, idiot?

I like physical media.

Yeah, Mom, how come
you let him stay here for free?

You made me start paying rent
after my quinceañera.

You made me pay for my quinceañera.

Ah, nah, don't worry about me, tía.

I can find a job on my own.

Plus, I just got out, you know,
I wanna kick it first.

Hmm. So I guess
if he wants to stay here,

then he has to join Hugs Not th*gs.

Hurry up, we're gonna be late.

Where's your ride at?

You took my car to San Diego?

I thought you needed
to run a few errands.

People can run errands in San Diego.

Don't be r*cist.

What the f*ck kind of errands
are you running in San Diego?

None of your business
what kind of errands.

Always so nosy.
Respect my boundaries. Bye.

- She's your ex?
- Ah, she's using you, bro.

Look at it closely.

We still hook up. Sometimes.

Hey. Doesn't that make
your boyfriend jealous?

I feel for him.

You should all be proud

to be sitting here today,

mainly because it means
you've escaped

the corrupt for-profit
prison industrial complex

put in place
by our r*cist, classist government.

But also because
you've taken the first step

towards gaining control of your life.

Now, the second step is a test

of great spiritual and mental fortitude.

You must bake

a delicious cupcake.

What? What?

Yo. Julio, what the f*ck, man?

Thought you said I'd be designing
solar panels and sh*t.

Hey, dawg, the only way
we can afford that program

is by selling these cupcakes
to local supermarkets.

People love buying cupcakes
from ex-g*ng members.

The only nonprofit that sells

more sweets than us
are the Girl Scouts.

If the Girl Scouts ever start
getting face tattoos, we're f*cked.

Hey, this is like
some exploitation sh*t.

It's like prison labor, homies.

We ought a unionize.

Shut the f*ck up!

Now I know why you b*tches
don't wanna bake cupcakes.

See, it ain't got nothing to do
with the pink apron.

It's 'cause deep down inside,

you m*therf*ckers is afraid to fail.

'Cause this ain't your world.

This is my world.

Cupcake world.

I'm a cupcake girl in a cupcake world.

And you will not come in here
and disrespect my cupcake world.

b*tch.

Thank you, Chef Percy Williams.

He started out just like all of you

then he went through our culinary program,

and now he is
a gourmet pastry chef at Sprinkles.

Well, I'll f*ck with some Sprinkles.

A'ight, now enough of this bullshit.

Let's get our bake on.

Hey.

Why'd you bounce?

Dawg, that cupcake sh*t
is embarrassing, alright?

That's stuff my mom used to do.

What's next, you want me to
knit you a sweater or what?

It's called art therapy,

and that's on your schedule
for 2:30 today.

And actually, it's really fun.

Damn, you're moody.

You on the rag or what?

Oh, sh*t, fool, you're pregnant?

Can I touch the baby?

Aye, Mira, look, it's kicking.

Uh! Unh. Uh-huh!

You're f*cking ignorant.

It's not 2005.

Tobey Maguire ain't Spider-Man anymore.

It'll always be
2005 up here, my boy!

Listen, if you can't even
bake me a cupcake,

I'm gonna have to cut you loose.

Then you have to move out of my house.

Tough love, playboy.

Hey, fool, when you're done
with that g*y Captain Planet sh*t,

I can teach you how to do some man sh*t.

How's recycling g*y?

- Don't play stupid, alright?
- You know why.

Damn, now I'm feeling
all energized and sh*t.

Where do you keep the weights at?

I wanna work out.

I don't have any weights.

I mostly just run for exercise.

No wonder your torta ex-lady
always steals your car.

Come on, pick up the pace.

You don't get all swole
from making cupcakes.

It's f*cking heavy!

- Hey, liquids ain't heavy.
- It's just water.

Damn, you still got
a lot to learn from me.

You're like a little kid still.

Maybe I'm the one
that should be your caseworker.

f*ck this. I'm done!

- Nah, nah, nah.
- You just need to cool off.

Here.

Toma!

Hey, Luis.

I wanna apologize.

I went too hard on you
about the cupcakes yesterday.

The important thing is,
is that you're trying your best.

It tasted good, huh?

Oh, yeah.

- Just in case your best isn't...
- the best.

You are all disgusting wet batter.

But out of that disgusting wet batter

can rise a beautiful cupcake.

You just have to figure out
what your motivation is.

Maybe you're doing this
for somebody you love.

Or maybe you're just
doing it out of spite.

Hell, most good things in this world
was done out of spite.

America started out of spite
for the f*ck' Brits.

Pepsi started out of spite
for motherfuckin' Coca-Cola.

Sprite,

spite!

You have the power
to make a difference in this world.

Whoa! All this motivational speaking
is making me thirsty!

g*dd*mn!

Yo, somebody give me some damn Sprite!

Hey, chef.

I'm done over here.

Don't worry, chef.

I'll taste test it.

Yeah, well, this sh*t's
gonna be b*mb, homie.

Trust that.

Hmm. I don't know.

I taste a lot of thug in this.

But not a lot of hug.

Guess you better try again.

- You f*cking liar.
- Hey, dawg,

we just have a really
high standard for cupcakes here.

Making cupcakes ain't no cakewalk.

Man, f*ck you
and f*ck your cupcakes.

g*y boy.

g*y boy? Are you for real?

Nobody finds that sh*t funny anymore,
dumb-a*s.

This m*therf*cker
got that 10th grade ignorance.

It's not 2005 no more.

Man, f*ck you. f*ck all you fools.

I'm done with this stupid-a*s program.

That's what I get for being nice
and trying to help your a*s.

You know what? I can smell
that nice guy bullshit a mile away.

You don't give a f*ck about me.

Why don't you drop the fake sh*t
and swing on me, perro, huh?

I know you want to. Come on, b*tch.

Hit me with your best shot,
you f*cking p*ssy.

Alright, fine.

When your mom got sick,
you weren't there for her

because you were in prison
for doing dumb sh*t.

This fool's coldblooded.

Hey, don't ever tell this fool
nothing about your life.

f*ck me.

Mm!

Now, that is one delicious cupcake.

Why did you lie to your poor cousin?

Look, I'm just trying to help his a*s.

But that fool won't listen to me.

He still sees me as a little kid.

Julio, did I ever tell you
about the worst thing

I've ever done in my life?

- Well, yeah.
- The documentary you made

about the annual ping-pong tournament
on skid row.

No.

I'm talking about when I worked for a bank
foreclosing on people's homes.

You didn't like my doc?

No, no, no, no, no. I like it.

I thought it was really sad,

and that's how I knew it was good.

But anyway, what were you saying
about the bank?

Well, I was so ashamed
at what I was doing

that I quit my lucrative job

and I moved by myself
to a remote village in Venezuela

that had been devastated by mudslides.

I spent six months
rebuilding people's homes.

My hands are covered in blisters,

my body was full of bruises.

I caught this intestinal parasite
that I think is still with me.

But I never felt so happy.

I never felt so fulfilled.

And then one day,
every single house that I built fell down.

Because I had no idea how to build houses.

But I knew how to make pizza.

I made so much pizza,
they called me Hombre Pizza.

Unfortunately, it turned out
that everybody in the village

was lactose intolerant, so, um...

I was asked to leave.

So you never got to help them, huh?

No, but I learned
something very important.

You see, I have a bad habit of focusing

on other people's problems
while ignoring my own.

And I think you might have
that same problem.

You know... just to say it,

I think the only issue I had with the doc

was the soundtrack.

Yeah, it had way more flute
than I'm used to.

But you know what?

Some of my favorite movies,
I hated the first time.

Get the hell outta here
and go apologize to your cousin.

- You're right.
- I like flute.

- Okay.
- You try making a f*ck' movie.

Sorry.

You're welcome, by the way.

I'm welcome? You're the one
who should be f*ck' welcome.

This is my car.

- We've had sex in the backseat.
- It's our car.

Imma start a GoFundMe
to buy you a new Nissan Altima.

- I want my key back.
- Okay, okay, okay.

Jeez, I'm sorry.

But maybe the reason
I borrowed your car was...

Stole my car,
committed a felony, really.

I wanted a reason to hang out with you.

You never hang out with me anymore.

- We broke up!
- Yeah, like months ago. Get over it.

You only wanna hang out
when you want something from me.

Oh-h*-h*. Like how you
only wanna hang out

when you wanna smash?

Yup, exactly like that.

Hmm.

But for real,
if you pull this sh*t again,

I'm not letting you
come over for Christmas.

Julio Miguel Bonifacio Lopez De La Riva,

if you take your family away from me

and make me go back to mine,

I will beat your a*s!

I'm gonna slide down the chimney

and I'm gonna choke you out so hard
you're gonna come out your eyes.

Jesus Christ! What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with you?

You like it.

Yo, pull over.

So you're stalking me now?

- You know it.
- Give me some chon-chon.

You know, it's funny.

One time right over there,

me and the homies robbed
these nerdy-a*s rocker fools.

That was me and my friends.

Yeah. Those were good times.

f*ck.

- I was lying about your cupcakes.
- They were b*mb.

And I shouldn't have said
what I said about your mom.

I miss her too.

- Nah, nah, nah, it's cool, alright?
- It's cool.

We were throwing down.

I've been shot three times,

it hurt less than the sh*t you said.

You throw punches with your sick-a*s mind.

I don't know,
I guess I've been pissed at you

'cause you just keep capping on me.

Alright, I'm sorry, homie.

I'm sorry, alright?
Damn.

It's just, you know,

calling you g*y was the only thing

that's made me feel like
sh*t's back to normal.

But sh*t's changed, fool.

I'm a grown-a*s man.

I even got dental insurance.

Yeah, but you still live
at your mom's pad, alright?

Same place as me, homie.

Yeah, but...

No, yeah.

And your teeth are pretty f*cked up.

I still got more appointments!

Get in the car, losers.

Sorry, there's only one b*tch seat.

Damn, I thought for sure
you'd be a torta.

Hey, fool, hook me up.

Hey, Luis,

shut the f*ck up before I f*ck you up.

I'm not Julio. You ain't my family.

Hey, y'all ain't got nothing.

- You don't got me.
- You ain't got nothin', man.

You gotta get your money from me, boy.

Yo, I got $20.

g*dd*mn it.

You want me to talk to these busters?

No. I got this.

Alright, then, fool,
we'll wait in the car.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I'm gonna film this.

Hey! I'm gonna need
you fellas to move your car.

Damn, bruh,
but we're kinda racing right now.

Last time it was
Blacks versus the Mexicans,

this time it's Mexicans versus Blacks.

Dawg, I'm Salvadoran.

Man, we talked about this.

Move your f*cking car!

Whoa, bro.

Watch your tone.

We don't play like that.

You wanna die, homie?

Yes! Please! k*ll me, b*tch!

I don't live to live!

What?

I'd rather die
than let you fools walk all over me.

Because that's my thing!

I focus on other people's problems
to avoid dealing with my own.

I definitely got some codependency issues
going on with my ex-lady.

Hey!

Do you fools even know
what codependency is?

I just read about that sh*t. It sucks!

I got a lot of work to do on myself
and I don't wanna do it!

So just sh**t me, please!

Whoa, fool, chill.

We don't even have g*ns.

Then choke me, b*tch.

I hope you don't have lawyer hands

because I also got a fat neck,

which is something else
I'm insecure about.

k*ll me. Do it.

What the f*ck is this fool doing?

I don't know but it's turning me on.

Hey!

Next time you fools better k*ll me.

You saw how I fooled those fools
with my sick-a*s mind?

More like they saw me get out the car
and knew I'd beat their asses.

Hey, you know what?
You do have a fat neck.

You probably can't even
wear turtlenecks, huh?