01x03 - Emotional Timothy

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, she pulls me
into this tiny-a*s bathroom.

She's all, "Climb up on the sink."

I'm like, "It's a dirty-a*s sink."

And she says, "You're f*ck' dirty."

So I climb up on that sink, my boy,

you know what I'm sayin'?
Then she gets on top of me right away

and starts riding me all crazy, fool.

And it was scary 'cause the sink
was all small and slippery and old.

But I grabbed it like that
and she started riding me

and I'm all trying to mack her
at the same time, like...

And the sink starts, like,
creaking and cracking

so I got scared, homey.

But did I tell her to stop?

Hell, no.

Look at you. Not even paying attention.

You're just swiping your life away, homey.

Hey, dawg, I told you,
me and Maggie are done for real this time.

I'm trying to put myself out there.

You're not the only fool
that wants to f*ck on a sink.

You don't need the Internet
to find a lady. Alright?

The streets are my Internet, homeboy.

Check it out.

Damn, mija, you Jewish?

Well, shalom to you too.

Hey, fool, I don't think they like
that catcalling sh*t anymore.

You trying to speak for all women?

It's a numbers game, my boy.

Calculations. Watch.
Check this out, playboy.

Hey!

Damn.

No, we don't know each other,
but we're about to.

Damn, mija.

Eventually they'll bite, homey.

But even if they don't,
they're still flattered.

Hey, what's up, girl? You wanna
run away with me and start a new life?

I'm just kidding. I don't wanna leave LA.

What are you talkin' about?

Boo, hey, do you drink?

Because after a few,
I start looking like Mario Lopez.

Hey, this is my son right here.

He has that f*cked-up disease
where he looks all old and sh*t.

Help me raise him.

Another trip, homey,
you can't just put yourself out there.

'Cause they'll break your heart like that.

I mean, you know what I mean?

But it'd be cool to find love though.

Hey, what's up, girl,
you got a library card?

Damn, girl, you got a library card?

Hey, girl, you got a library card?

You can check me out for as long
as you want, no late fees, mija.

I just got her number.
She's right over there.

Damn, girl, you're so fine
that even if you cheated on me,

I wouldn't be mad.

Actually, I'd be heartbroken.

That's f*cked up.
Why would you even do that to me?

Got four numbers, my boy.

That's it?

You bothered like 30 women.

- Oh, really?
- How many numbers did you get?

I got a date lined up.

Exactly. One date.

- You ready to go or what?
- No, I haven't even eaten yet.

Oh, hey, but you know what?

I forgot to tell you about this
one jaina I was dating, right?

She was a bodybuilder, homey.

And, uh, she would give me
piggyback rides around in her pad

and we both'd be naked.

But then I found out
she was using steroids...

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

This is all your sh*t
you left at my house.

- Wow. Bringing my stuff over.
- What a drama queen.

Did you see this in a movie?

- Can you just take this sh*t? It's heavy.
- Ay, pobrecito.

You need me to save you
from the big, scary box?

Ew.

That's your book, not mine, loser.

Yeah. You should read it, though.

This is all 'cause you want
an excuse to see me, huh?

I'm not staying. I gotta get to work.

Damn, Maggie, did you have
people over last night?

Why are there so many dishes?

Don't worry about it. I'll do 'em later.

So how broken up are we this time?

I'm on Tinder.

That's how broken up we are.

Oh, sh*t. Damn.

- Well, let me see your profile, then.
- Nope.

Fine.

I don't wanna see it anyways.

Just kidding.

Maggie. Stop f*ck' around.

You enjoy the world's cuisine?

- Shut the f*ck up.
- Who are you, Anthony Bourdain?

- b*tch, I could be.
- I've eaten "foy gray" before.

b*tch, you don't even know
how to pronounce "foy gray."

- Give me that.
- Hobbies: Hiking?

Since when?

I'm gonna change it to
hate-washing your ex's dishes

'cause you secretly
can't get enough of her.

Stop f*ck' around
and give me back my phone.

Fine.

Go ahead.

Pretend to be someone you're not, faker.

Good luck finding anyone to date
with that lame-a*s profile.

Already got a date lined up.

Jealous?

No. I'm happy for you.

Invite me to the wedding.

I'll walk you down the aisle
and then I'll hook up with her dad.

I'm gonna be your mommy-in-law.

- Julio!
- Maggie!

Readjusting to life outside of prison

can be an alienating experience.

In order to move forward,
you need to push past the fear.

You need to try to form
meaningful connections.

Did anybody make
any meaningful connections this week

they'd like to talk about?

Hey, minister, your boy smashed,
homey, like a lot.

You know what I'm sayin'?
I was all upside down and sh*t, like...

It was all some
Cirque du Soleil sh*t, homey.

Oh, what, you're jealous?

You should hit the calles
with me next time, fool.

There's all kinds of jainas out there
looking to get bothered.

I'm glad you got to smash, Luis.

Thank you, Dr. Payne.

Give me a high five.

It must be nice to have
some emotional intimacy

after getting out of prison.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- I love me some emotional Timothy.

You know, I spent, what,
eight calendars locked up, you know,

and before that I was engaged for two.

So it's been ten years
since I was able to roam free.

You were engaged when you went in?

That's heavy, bro.

She visit you in prison?

Nope.

Not even once.

- That's cold.
- I don't know.

I don't even think about that skonka.

Damn.
How could you not think about someone

that played a significant part
in your life, bro?

That's a red flag, m*therf*cker.

Well, I think what they're getting at

is there's often this desire
to move forward

without examining the past.

But we need closure,

or else we can get bogged down
by resentment.

Well, I got resentment.

She still has the ring that I got her.

I spent three racks on that thing.

You need closure, homey.

This ain't about no ring.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second here. No.

Luis might be right.

That ring could be a symbol of closure.

Maybe you need to go talk
through your issues with your ex, Luis,

and get that ring back.

I do deserve that ring.

I could use that feria.

You know, doing it upside down
all the time ain't cheap.

Hey, uh, Luis.

Um, you're not thinking about
going to talk to your ex alone, are you?

Because in situations like these,

emotions can run really high

and get in the way
of constructive dialogue.

I can help you get the ring back.

Once upon a time
I used to manage a strip club,

so this will be a cakewalk
compared to that.

Damn. What kinda doctor
manages a strip club?

Luis, I have square danced in towns
you've never even heard of.

Also, I'm not a doctor. I'm a minister.

Alright, then, f*ck it, Dr. Payne.

Actually, it'd be kinda tight
if you roll with me.

And, you know, you could be
a witness if she tries to k*ll me.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.

There was a lot of traffic to get here.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I hope it wasn't too stressful.

- Oh, that 10, man.
- Don't f*ck around.

I hope it's okay that I picked vegan.

I know it's not for everyone.

- Oh, don't worry.
- I eat this sh*t all the time.

- For real?
- Mm-hmm.

Me too. All my exes hated eating vegan.

Hmm.

You're not still close to your exes,
are you?

No. I mean, I wish them all the best,

but I do not believe
in staying friends with exes.

I could not agree more.

Like I've always said,
when it's over, it's over.

Part of the reason I picked this place

is because my friend's the owner.

I should introduce you.
She's an entrepreneur too.

A what?

Your profile. You said you were
an aspiring entrepreneur.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.
- Yeah.

Like I've always said, be your own boss.

Wow.

You live by a lot of phrases.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, so what business do you wanna start?

Oh, well, um...

Uh, well... I have a passion for coffee.

Oh, so you wanna
open your own coffee shop?

Yeah. That's exactly what I wanna do.

- Yeah?
- Damn, mind reader.

That's so cool.

Maybe you can hire
some of the ex-cons you work with.

It's like you're reading
my business plan.

That's so great.

None of my exes had ambition.
They were all talk.

Hey, if you're gonna talk that talk,
better walk that walk.

Okay.

So tell me all about this business plan.

Well, it's, I guess you would...

- I gotta take this.
- Oh.

Uh, it's one of the g*ng members
I helped reform.

Kinda like a mentor to them, you know.

Yeah.

So sweet.

Maggie, what do you want?

Julio, I got a rabbit
and now I can't find the rabbit,

and I'm f*ck' freaking out.

When the f*ck did you get a rabbit?

Today.

When I got in my car to go to run errands
he was just sitting on the windshield

and he looked so cute and perfect.

I decided to take him in,
but now he's missing.

Are you tryin' to f*ck up my date?

Oh, sh*t.

- Your date's tonight? No.
- Yeah.

- I didn't know. You know what?
- Forget it. I'll get someone else.

- No, f*ck it. I'm coming over.
- Clearly you need me.

- Again.
- No, I don't n...

- I'm sorry, but I have to go.
- It's an emergency.

Oh, wow...

But you know what,
let me pay for dinner.

I'm so sorry. Is everything okay?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, totally.
- Everything's totally fine.

But it's an emergency?

- Oh, right, yeah.
- Big-a*s emergency.

- But don't worry about it.
- Okay. I'm sorry.

Um, do you want the food to go?

Oh, no. You know what?

As I always say,
give the leftovers to the staff.

Never heard that one before.

- Feel free to use it.
- Okay.

- I gotta go. I'll call you.
- Alright.

I'm so f*ck' nervous.

Oh, you're gonna be great.

There's nothing to worry about.

We're just gonna have
a mature conversation

that ends with you getting your ring back.

Yeah, yeah. Right, right.

- Mature?
- Yeah.

No problem.

- I can't do this sh*t.
- Hey, Luis.

Get back here.
We gotta talk to her together.

- Hey, you talk to her!
- You're the one that told me about closure.

I didn't even know what that sh*t was
till you said that sh*t.

Hi.

Who the f*ck are you
and what the f*ck do you want?

Hello, I'm sorry to bother you.

- Oh, I know who you are.
- So sorry, sir,

but we don't believe
in that magic underwear sh*t.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not a Mormon.

I wish. Uh, my name is Leonard Payne.

Um, this may sound a little weird,
but do you know Luis Hernandez?

That f*ck' as*h*le?

Whatever he's being charged with,
he did that sh*t.

I'd be happy to testify in court.

Well, actually, I'm here bec...

Hey, hey. You're the f*ck' as*h*le.

Oh, my God! I should've f*cking known!

Luis, you're still the same
coward piece of sh*t you've always been.

Hiding in the bushes
like the scared little b*tch you are.

- I wasn't hiding.
- I was taking a leak.

Pissing in the streets like a rat!

- As I was saying, I run a nonprofit.
- It's called Hugs Not th*gs.

And we rehabilitate ex-g*ng members.

Now, Luis, he's been doing
a lot of hard work on himself,

and I think it could help you both
find some closure if you talk things out.

I'll talk things out with you.

You're a f*ck' loser with a weird d*ck.

Hey, f*ck you. Curvy dicks are normal!

- And I want my ring back.
- You're not helping.

Hey, if you don't give me that ring
back, I'm gonna sue your a*s

and you know Judge Judy
will rule in my favor.

Her show is over now, idiot.

Yeah, well, she's got
a new one now, idiot.

Oh, yeah? What time? I wanna watch!

It's streaming
so it's available whenever.

Stupid.

- You got a f*ck' rabbit?
- Yeah, I got a f*ck' rabbit.

I told you not to come.

I know when I'm needed.

Well, I already checked everywhere,
so I don't need you anymore.

I didn't leave my perfect date
to not find your rabbit.

Okay, psycho.

By the way, I got Wendy's
if you're hungry.

I don't wanna eat that garbage.

I just ate a delicious-a*s vegan meal.
I'm stuffed.

You ate healthy to impress your date?

Ah, no mames, güey.

- You're so pathetic.
- Let's just find this f*ck' rabbit.

I checked there.

Oh, come on!

No, you cheated on me
with all my home girls.

You made my life hell.

And then you got yourself locked up
for doing some dumb sh*t.

So, yeah, I'm still f*ck' angry.

Wah, wah, wah, pura pinche novel a!

Alright? Don't act like
you cared about me.

You never even came to visit me once.

Enough, Luis, shut the f*ck up.

You know what? I'm partially to blame.

This is what I get
for messin' with someone shorter than me.

Short guys are f*ck' evil.

Five-six is an average height.

- You're five-foot-five at best.
- Now go back to your bush.

Okay, fine, whatever.

Hell.

Vanessa, tell me
what is really going on here

for you with this ring?

I keep it as a reminder
of the stupid mistake I made

with that f*ck' idiot.

Why would you want a reminder
of him being an idiot?

Listen, between you and me,

I don't think he's gonna
make it through the program.

I've worked with a lot of these guys.

Luis... he's definitely
going back to prison.

But you giving back the ring
is not just about his closure,

it's also about yours.

Don't you wanna free yourself
from this short loser forever?

Okay.

But only if he lets me
kick him in the ba*ls.

- How's that now?
- That as*h*le f*cked me over.

And I've been waiting eight years
to kick him in the f*ck' ba*ls.

If you really want the ring,

Luis' nuts are getting f*ck' rocked.

Let me see what I can do.

No f*ck' way.

Okay, think of it
as an opportunity for growth.

Enough with
the f*cking short jokes, okay?

- Hey, Luis, trust me.
- I'm a doctor, remember?

This will be
a physical reminder of closure.

It's like a string
that you wrap around your finger, right?

Only it's a kick in the huevos.

There's future little Luises
swimming around in there,

and I don't want my kids
coming out all weird and sh*t.

Do you want the ring back or not?

f*ck!

f*ck!

That felt good!

Alright, then, your turn, Grandpa.

- What?
- You came here

backing that piece of sh*t up.

So you also gotta get kicked in the ba*ls.

- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- That was not part of the deal.

I guess you don't want the ring back.

Come on, Payne.

You said you had my back.

Thanks for that.

I didn't realize how much I needed it.

I really must have hurt you
for you to kick me in the nuts like that.

Yeah, you did.

But I f*cked up too.

Maybe I should have wrote you back.

Uh, yeah, well,
I'm sorry for my part in everything.

You don't belong with
a f*ck' knucklehead like me anyway.

It's all good, Luis.

Here.

Now, both of you take your broken nuts
and get the f*ck off my lawn!

Take care.

Well, it's not under your bed.

Jesus, Maggie. I can't believe
a paralegal is this messy.

Whoo, I'd hate to see your desk.

I'm a rabbit m*rder*r.

I can't even keep a rabbit alive.
How am I gonna have kids?

Hey, come on.

Invest in leashes.

Oh, I'm serious.

Me too. Leashes are great.

You can tie your kids up to a bike rack
while you go shopping.

Come on. We're gonna find him.

I wish I believed you.

- What was that?
- It's Roger.

Where the f*ck is he?

Wait, you named him Roger
like Roger the Rabbit?

Ugh. So f*ck' original.

I named him after my neighbor Roger.

Oh, that Roger.

- I like that Roger.
- Shh.

He's inside the couch.

How the f*ck would
a rabbit get inside the couch?

I don't know, they can get anywhere.

It doesn't sound like a rabbit.

How the f*ck do you know
what rabbits sound like?

f*ck.

Oh, f*ck.

The sound stopped.

Oh, my God. f*ck.

Oh, f*ck! Roger's suffocating!

We gotta get him out right now!

Maggie, what the f*ck are you doing?

Maggie, what the f*ck?

No, Maggie, wait, no.

Maggie!

Maggie, wait.

Maggie, what the f*ck?
You could have k*lled that little fool!

Help me then!

Alright.

f*ck!

Wrong rabbit.

It's a big-a*s diamond.

We both went through a lot for this,
so don't try and f*ck us.

I'll be back with the number.

Hey, uh, you know,
I don't mean to be forward or anything,

but after all we went through,

I'm wondering if you'd consider

compensating your old pal
for all the hard work he did today.

Wait, wait, wait,
that's what this is all about?

You just wanna get paid?

No, that's not what this is all about,

but I'm pretty sure I forfeited my ability
to be a father for you, okay?

I mean, she must've
played soccer or some sh*t

because one of my nuts
went so far up there

it ain't gonna be coming down
anytime soon.

Alright. Hey, hey, hey, hey, it's cool.

- You did get your nuts rocked.
- Very rocked.

- I'll give you half.
- Half?

Yeah, bro.

That is very, very,
very kind and generous.

Thank you very much.

Cubic zirconia.

- How's that now?
- Ain't worth sh*t.

Ain't worth sh*t? Are you...

Are you telling me
we went through all that sh*t

for cubic f*ck' zirconia?

Hey, hey, calm down, Payne.

My homey must've cheated me.

Okay, then let's go get your boy.

That's three racks we're talking about.

Yeah, there's only
one problem with that.

That fool's locked up.

For fraud.

Damn.

Guess I should've seen that coming, huh?

f*ck me!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck me!

m*therf*cker!

- Son of a b*tch!
- Hey, hey, hey, Payne.

Hey. What the f*ck's going on with you?

It's just...

Oh, man.

I'm just, I'm in this very
messed-up situation with my landlord

who doesn't understand

sometimes the rent's
gonna be f*ck' late.

Because I run a nonprofit!

If I can give you
one piece of advice, this is it:

Never divorce your landlord.

Damn.

And all this time you were talking to me
about how I need all this closure

but you're the one living in an apartment
owned by your ex-wife?

That's a red flag, m*therf*cker.

Yeah, well, you need to think of me
more as a cautionary tale

than a role model.

Okay, I see you, Payne.

And you know what,
actually, I have an idea

that could help you
with your little money problem.

Hey.

We're gonna take this instead.

This sh*t really works?

Yeah, I used to do it all the time
before I got locked up.

You know, if your window
or door is smashed

you don't gotta pay rent
till your landlord fixes it.

I barely ever paid rent.

It's California Civil Code, my boy.

- Well, thank you, Luis.
- I really appreciate it.

Dawg, I'm all about renters' rights.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Ooh. f*ck the landlords.

f*ck the landlord.

Hey, I think you got it. Chill.

So... did you give your date the chorizo

or was she not into that
because she's vegan?

Well, she liked my coffee shop idea.

What coffee shop idea?

You know how I've always dreamed
about opening up my own coffee shop?

- Bullshit.
- You've literally never mentioned that.

Well, you've never asked.

Dude, we're not on a first date.

Don't pretend like you're a real adult
with life goals and sh*t.

Okay, Maggie.

I'll stop pretending if you stop.

What do you mean?

You find out I'm going out on a date
with a woman who isn't you,

and then you find a rabbit
who suddenly disappears.

Roger, where are you? Roger?

Come on. I just have to ask,

am I the rabbit?

You think I made this sh*t up?

I'm flattered. Really, I am.

It's hard to let go,

but you just have to let me...

Boop, boop, boop, boop.

...hop away.

Get the f*ck out!

Now!

Maggie, it's okay. I know I'm a catch.

I don't want to get back together!

There is a rabbit somewhere
in this apartment

that might be dead.

Not everything is about you, Julio.

Ugh. You're such a f*cking d*ck sometimes.

Whoa, whoa.

I f*ck' told you.