01x10 - A Fresh Start

[bunniefuu]

Ah, f*ck.

She thinks the house is haunted again.

She probably just heard you

moaning last night when
you were making love to Manuela.

Ay, no mames.

Mi hijo.

A ver tú.

Ah, f*ck.

Damn, fool.

You ate sh*t.

- For real.
- That fall was embarrassing, dawg.

Hey, luckily I recorded it.

Hey, the streets are for cars, my boy,
not for running.

This room has potential.

I'm gonna enjoy it
once all your stupid punk sh*t is gone

and I can get past the thought

that you've jacked off in here
like a thousand times.

Hey, I haven't even moved out yet.

What am I supposed to do with that box?

- Uh, maybe walk around it.
- Not my problem.

I'm gonna save so much money
moving back in here.

No money is worth having to hear
Luis snore through the walls.

That fool, he has sleep apnea.

- Ana!
- Shut up. I'm doing Maggie a favor.

Tía.

Okay, now, you made
a great choice, young blood.

You look like a Mexican James Bond.

A real man.

Not like that p*ssy Daniel Craig

all depressed and sh*t.

You know, I get down
with that fool Pierce Brosnan,

that GoldenEye sh*t.

Oh, Pierce is
a bigger p*ssy than Daniel.

But he looks good. And so will you.

Uh, we do in-house alterations here.

I can have it done by tomorrow.

Okay, we take this one
for job interviews.

This gentleman right here
will have no problem finding a job.

He's got potential!

I could tell that the moment
he walked in the store.

Ay, Luisito.

Hey, homey, what the f*ck you doing?

Let go of me, you f*ck' snitch.

Hell no, big dawg.

Get up.

I used to do the same sh*t,
and I wish somebody was there to stop me.

Here. You want these shirts?

I catch you in here again
I'm gonna shove 'em up your a*s!

Now get outta here!

sh*t. My bad, OG.
I'll pay for this.

Amigo, please. Don't insult me.

You can have the suit for free.

Nah, nah, come on, I can't accept that.

Well, then come work for me,
then you get it for free.

For real?

Man, I'm getting too old
to be chasing these thieves.

I need someone like you
for a security guard.

Also, we got a lot of little Latino boys
coming in for their quinceañero suits.

Oh, yeah, you mean their chambelanes?

Yeah, that's what I said. Quinceañero.

Can you start tomorrow?

- Wait. You're giving me a job?
- I'm giving you a job.

Hell, yeah, homey!

A job, Luisito!

Hell, yeah!

Y'all hear that?

Let all the thieves know,

this store belongs to
Luis motherfuckin' Hernandez!

This one's good, but...

...just doesn't have a cross breeze.

Dude, you know this place is great.

It has two bathrooms, so we can
blow them up at the same time.

sh*t's expensive.

We'll be fine.

Stop being such a little b*tch.

What if I like being a little b*tch?

Then I'll cut your ba*ls off
and feed them to Roger.

Do you wanna eat
your daddy's ba*ls, Roger?

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Please don't talk like that
and say nom nom.

It makes me sick.

I didn't say it, Roger said it.

Okay. But you have to promise

that we're gonna keep
the new place clean.

I promise to make a good faith effort

to respect your weird-a*s OCD sh*t

that you refuse to seek therapy for.

Thank you.

Okay. Imma submit the application

right

n-n-now.

Hey, fool, you still limping?

If you were a horse,
they'd have to take you out back

and do you like they did Old Yeller.

Hey, where'd you get that suit?

The kid's section of JCPenney?

Hey! I need both of you
to come with me right now.

Our oven exploded last night.

We have a huge order
to fill at North gate Market.

If we don't deliver, they're gonna cancel
the whole f*ck' contract, okay?

The oven exploded? How?

I don't know. Gas leak or some sh*t.

Probably we're just f*ck' cursed.

But seriously, we gotta go.

Fool, we got a lot of sh*t to set up

for the graduation ceremony.

You got wax in your ears or what?

I said we gotta go!

Alight, alright. Payne, we got you.

But aren't you gonna
compliment my suit first?

Get in the van!

Alright. Come on, let's go.

Payne, why did we park
all the way down here?

Now we gotta walk up this steep-a*s hill.

You think that f*ck' van's
gonna make it up this hill?

This sh*t is steep.

I'm wearing
the wrong f*ck' shoes for this.

Okay, listen, I don't have
enough cash to cover the price

this guy is asking me for the oven,

so I'm gonna have to
negotiate him down a bit.

Just go along with whatever I say.

Wait. But we just got
that big-a*s donation.

We don't have the money yet.

Billionaires are on billionaire time.

Hey, but didn't they give you a check
after you smashed that dude's wife?

Yes, but I lost it, okay?

So I'm waiting for them
to send me another.

Until then, we're strapped for cash.

Wait. You lost a $15 million check?

Hey, I'm the one
who who red himself out, okay?

You guys were the ducks, I was the goose.

Cut me a little f*ck' slack, okay?

- Dawg, you okay?
- I'm fine. Let's just focus here.

Hey, we should have just made 'em

give you one of those big-a*s checks
like when you win the lottery, you know.

Yeah. You can't lose those.

So, like I said before,
it's a thousand for the oven.

A thousand? No! No, no, no, no, no.

First of all, it looks a lot smaller
than it did in the photos.

It actually looks tiny.

It's basically like an Easy-Bake Oven.

Come on, this ain't worth a grand.

- I put the dimensions in the listing.
- The oven's a thousand.

If you don't want it,
I got someone else that's interested.

Well, do you have
a measuring tape around

so I can double check these dimensions?

Not that I don't trust you,
but... I guess I don't.

Okay, each of you grab a side.
We're gonna steal this sh*t.

Payne, you're acting f*ck' nuts.

Hey, no can do, Dr. Payne.

I work in loss prevention now.

Stealing goes against everything
I stand for as a security officer.

You don't wanna help me? Fine, alright?

It's up to me to be
the g*dd*mn goose again.

Okay. Okay.

Hammer time, b*tches.

- Ohh!
- Oh, sh*t.

What the f*ck?

I just noticed this big dent right here
on the side of the oven.

Now, with a dent like this,
I can't give you more than 500 bucks.

You're holding the f*ck' sledgehammer
in your hand!

I'm calling the cops!

I would think twice about that
if I were you, alright?

You ever hear of Hugs Not th*gs?

These two psychos right here,
they're g*ng members.

Isn't that the place
that reforms g*ng members?

Yeah.

And sometimes we don't do our job right
and they don't get reformed.

Hold up. I'm reformed, alright?

Homey, I got a job and everything.

He's the exception to the rule.

But this sick f*ck right over here,
Julio Loco,

he's gonna do the job for him.

That guy's no gangster.

He looks like he likes Morrissey.

I f*ck' hate Morrissey!

Well, your stupid pompadour
says different.

Oh, f*ck you. This is a gentleman's cut.

Whoa!

The value keeps going down.

Okay, fine. You can have it for $500.

Just get the f*ck out of my garage.

Appreciate it.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, Louis, I don't care
that you're a rent-a-cop.

Give us a hand here.

Hey, you're lucky
I don't snitch on you fools.

I'm a civilian now,
so we're allowed to snitch.

Payne, why'd you bash the oven?

Who knows if it'll even work now?

Just shut up!

Julio! Don't let go!

Sorry, I rolled my ankle,
but I got it now.

- Okay.
- I got.

Julio! Julio!

f*ck!

f*ck!

Oh, f*ck!

Ohh!

sh*t.

God damn.

Ohh!

That's it.

We're losing the account.

It's all good.

We have $15 million coming in.

We can buy a new van.

Guess we're gonna have to
catch a ride to graduation.

Should we call 9-1-1?

Nah.

Just leave it.

I want to congratulate
this class of huggers for their hard work,

as well as their families
for supporting them

through this tough transition
in their life.

But I also wanna congratulate... me,

for putting up
with the most difficult person

I've ever dealt with as a caseworker.

My dumb-a*s cousin Luis.

I see you, playboy.

Hey, f*ck you, primo.

Now I want to introduce
one of the greatest people I've ever met.

This man will do anything
for this program,

and I mean anything.

His generosity is abnormally big.

Ladies and gentlemen,

put your hands together
for Minister Payne.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

Please.

That's enough. Thank you.

There's no need for applause.
There's no need for music.

Seriously stop. We need to move out.

You can stop now.

Turn off the f*ck' music
or I'll k*ll you!

I'm gonna keep this short.

Um, I wanna say big congratulations

to the last graduating class
of Hugs Not th*gs.

- Very proud of...
- Last?

...the hard work you've done.

Unfortunately, as of today,

we are shutting down.

Hey, Payne, you're joking, right?

We ran out of money.

And it's all my fault.

I f*cked everything up.

Except for the one thing
I actually needed to f*ck.

Uh, you don't know
what I'm talking about. Screw it.

There's no reason
why I can't tell you all everything.

Um, last week, a huge potential donor
stopped by and offered us

$15 million in grant money.

And all this kind soul
asked of us in return

was that I should f*ck his wife
in front of him.

That's it.

Now, I've always said
I would do anything,

anything at all to keep
Hugs Not th*gs alive.

But I couldn't do it this time.

I wanted to.

I tried to.

But the truth is,

my P was simply too big for her V.

For those of you who don't know,

I am swinging a big club down there.

That's been an issue my entire life.

That's one of the many reasons
my ex-wife divorced me.

I haven't had a date
in two and a half years

because I cannot bear the humiliation

of buying condoms
in a f*cking novelty store.

Between whoopee cushions
and fake rubber asses,

that's my world.

And don't let anyone ever tell you

size doesn't matter, because it does,

and it's ruining our lives right now!
All of our lives!

Anyway, those f*cking billionaire f*ck
tore up that check

right in front of me and my big dawg.

So, thank you all for coming.

And I apologize for messing everything up.

Nah. Nah, nah!

Hey, we can't let this place close
just 'cause Payne has a big-a*s chorizo.

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

We owe a lot to this place

and to Dr. Payne.

Everybody pull out your wallets.
Just pony up.

We gotta save Hugs Not th*gs.

We're $250,000 in debt.

Oh, I forgot to mention
this is the point in the night

where we become a warehouse sale,

so, uh, take whatever you want.

A memento, some merch, a couch.

Go nuts. We're done here.

Very sorry.

You know, the world does not
roll out the red carpet for you

when you start a nonprofit.

They raise your rent.

They deny you grants,

and then they tell you your p*nis
is too big for their vag*na.

I've come to realize
it's almost impossible

to be a good person.

So you're just gonna
give up on all this sh*t?

For now.

To be honest, part of me is relieved
that Hugs Not th*gs is closing.

I mean, the constant stress of
keeping this place afloat was killin' me.

I've put years of my life
into this place.

I f*ck' need this.

I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

Well, maybe that's a good thing.

Burning down your entire life
forces you out of your comfort zone.

It makes you have to find a new path.

I mean, f*ck it. Maybe I'll go get
my old evil job at the bank back.

Go manage another strip club.

At least it's steady work.

Minister Payne.

Just want to say thank you
for everything you did for me, big dawg.

I mean, you really helped change my life.

You too, Julio.

You're welcome, Fabian.

Hey, you think
I could get those chairs right there?

Please.

It's nice just to sit back
and warm yourself

in the burning embers of your own life.

Yeah.

Guess what,
honey toes sugar pie boo bear?

We got the apartment!

Sugar t*ts?

I read a statistic that 50% of nonprofits
close within their first year.

It's a systemic problem.

You guys lasted ten years.

That's amazing.

And thankfully,
there are other g*ng rehabs in LA.

I've heard Homeboy Industries is great.

The huggers will land on their feet.

- Yeah, they'll be fine.
- But what about me?

I won't to have money
for the security deposit on our new place.

I can cover the security deposit.

Okay, but what happens
when I can't find a job

and then you have to pay my rent?

Then I'll cover your part of the rent
until you can.

It's not a big deal.

I'm not gonna let my girlfriend
pay half of my rent.

Julio, shut up.

You're not into that macho sh*t.

Look, you're not the one
that lost their job.

I'm f*ck' worried, okay?

You're right.

I'm sorry you lost your job,
but I got your back.

Look, what if we
take it a little slower...

- Okay.
- ...and you move in here first?

Just for a couple months.

Um, I don't know.

I mean, it's kinda small,

and it's you, me, Roger.

I don't think there's enough room for us.

We got big personalities.

So what you're saying is,
if it weren't for Roger,

you'd move in here.

Correct?

Yeah, but I'm not gonna
make you pick me over Roger.

Not a problem.

It's an easy choice for me.

What the f*ck are you doing?

I'll cut him up into tiny pieces
and make a Roger posole.

Oh, no, no, no. Una lasagne.

And then we can move in together

because if Roger
is the only thing that's keeping us

from taking our relationship
to the next level,

then he has to go.

Hey, stop f*ck' around.

I'm willing to do whatever it takes
to make this relationship work.

Hey, just put Roger down.

Five, four, three, two!

Wait. I admit it.

I don't wanna move in with you, okay?

You're messy.
I don't have a job. I'm scared.

Also, sometimes I don't even think
we're right for each other.

We just do this sh*t
because it's convenient.

Look, I'm sorry.

God.

I f*cking knew this whole time
you'd find some excuse to back out.

You've been pulling this sh*t
since high school.

Get the f*ck out of my apartment, Julio.

You're still my honey toes, right?

Hey, ain't this place great?

It's no palace, but it's all mine.

Hey, and check this out.
I got that good toilet paper, baby.

I'm happy for you, Luis.

You deserve it.

So where should I sleep?

- Hey, hey, you're the guest.
- Take the bed, big dawg.

Oh, sh*t, for real?

Nah, nah, nah, the bed's mine.

You can have the couch, alright?

But you might wanna get
some of those noise-canceling headphones.

I'm gonna be smashing a lot, my boy.

We gotta get you back in the game too.

I don't know how much smashing
I'm gonna be doing.

- Hey, come on.
- Don't get all sad. Alright?

You and Maggie's relationship
was all f*cked up.

You're smart, though.
You got out before giving her a ring.

Could have been worse.

Could have been a baby.

You fools would have made
an ugly-a*s baby.

I don't know about ugly.

- Come on, homey.
- Trust me, alright? For real.

It would have been ugly.

Maybe you're right.

I feel horrible, but also kinda excited.

Gotta figure out something new.

I'm gonna spread my stupid f*ck' wings.

Hell, yeah, my boy!

And you finally moved out
of your mom's pad.

Julio!

Julio!

Nah, nah, I could do it.

I'll do it. I know how to do it.

Come on, no sh*t.

I can do it. I'm the one fixing up my pad.

Oh, you mean the neighbor's garage?

You live there too, idiot.

You're gonna f*ck that place up.

I should f*ck you up.