02x01 - The Rooster

[bunniefuu]

At Hugs Not th*gs,
we offer the resources you need

to transform your life.

- People love buying cupcakes
from ex-g*ng members.

- b*tch, do you want me to relapse?

My cousin spent
the last eight years in prison.

Sorry I'm late!

He's crashing at my place.

Check it out.

We don't have to wipe our a*s
with sandpaper anymore.

- Dawg, put that sh*t away.

Technically, it's my mom's house.

You're 31
and you still live at your mom's house.

And you broke up with me
because you're scared of commitment.

You've never been to therapy

but you're leading a group hug session?

- That's f*cked up, Julio.

- In your profile, you said
you were an aspiring entrepreneur.

- Oh, well, um,

I have a passion for coffee.

You got some serious psychological issues.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, homey, what the f*ck you doing?

- I need someone like you
for a security guard.

- Y'all hear that?

This store belongs
to Luis motherfuckin' Hernandez.

Whoa!

- Damn.
sh*t.

Sorry, guys.
- That verga was massive.

- Last week, a huge potential donor
stopped by

and offered us $15 million in grant.

All billionaires are pigs.

- I like it when he watches me
have sex with poor people.

- I f*ck' knew it.

But the truth is
my P was simply too big for her V.

Anyway, those f*cking billionaire f*ck
tore up that check right in front of me

and my big dong.

We're done here. Very sorry.

- We got the apartment!

I'm sorry you lost your job,
but I got your back.

- I don't wanna move in with you, okay?

You're messy. I don't have a job.

Sometimes I don't even think
we're right for each other.

Get the f*ck outta my apartment.

- Where should I sleep?
- Take the bed, big dawg.

- For real?
Nah, nah, nah.

The bed's mine.

But you can have the couch, alright?

I don't know what I'm gonna do now.

Burning down your entire life

forces you out of your comfort zone.

It makes you have to find a new path.

- Ugh.

Dawg, pick up your sh*t.

- It's on my side.

- Every day it's the same thing with you.

Do something with your life. Go get a job.

- You should try giving up.

sh*t is tight.

You know what? I pity you.

Damn, over here trying
to get my day started

and now I'm sitting here filled with pity?

f*ck!

f*ck' rooster.

Julio.

What's up, Darius?

- Come here for a second.

Got something I wanna discuss with you.

- You come here.

- Nah, you come here.

You coming?

- Are you coming?

- Goddammit.

Are you the one feeding
this little-a*s dinosaur?

Listen, Julio, I don't wanna get
racial about this sh*t,

but this ain't Mexico.

Tell Don Emilio he needs
to do something with this bird.

The thing is crowing
every damn hour of the day,

I can't sleep.

I work the graveyard.

This is my nighttime, dawg.

The sun is my moon.

- Tell Don Emilio yourself. It's his bird.

I just rent that fool's garage.

You know I don't speak no español.

Now, I have been taken
these Duolingo classes.

I'm starting to understand
what you people sayin' about me.

Y'all talking a lot of sh*t.

The more I learn, the more it hurt.

Well, I'm making it your problemo.

Whole m*therf*cking block can't sleep.

sh*t boilin' up.

Remember the '90s?

sh*t was heated
between your people and my people.

Now, we been gettin' along
real nice for a while

but this neighborhood is held together
by a very thin fabric,

and that motherfuckin' rooster
is pecking holes in that fabric.

Peck, peck, peck.

- k*ll each other.

See if I give a sh*t.

- You're just gonna sit there
in your nasty-a*s pajamas

and watch the world burn.

That ain't right, Julio.

That ain't right.

Jesus.

People think these trees
make the hood look nice.

They're k*lling us!

120 miles ahead of Hugh is Alex.

So far the ice has held.

The truck has run true.

Julio?

...Alex's luck runs out.

Hey, my man.

You just bumped into me,
you didn't say sorry.

Think you can just go around
being all rude and sh*t?

Dawg, I've stabbed m*therf*ckers

for acting disrespectful like that.

What the f*ck you gotta say now, huh?

What the-- The f*ck?

Is that a cuff link in your pocket?

Oh, you wanna come in here
and steal from me now?

I'm not the one, homey.

Turn your a*s around,
put your f*ck' hands on the wall, b*tch.

- Man, you look like
a Guatemalan James Bond.

Nobody jacks from my store.
You wanna steal?

You do that sh*t
at Men's Wearhouse, b*tch.

- Excuse me for a minute.

Hey, cut that sh*t out, Luis.

What the hell is going on?

- Hey, I was just practicing, you know.

For when something really goes down.

You gotta be ready, you know.

- Ready for what?

Man, once or twice a year
sh*t goes down in here.

The rest of the time,
just go sit on your stool

and be cool, man.

- Yeah, but I'm f*ck' bored.

- You want something to do? Okay.

Last night, somebody came in here

and painted a sad, "flacked" p*nis
on our window.

Go clean the sad, "flacked" p*nis off,
young blood.

- "Flacked"?

- Flacked.

- Aw, man, what the f*ck?

- Hello, my name is Jesus Christ.

Will you buy me a sandwich?

- Nah.

- What's up, Officer Hernandez?
- What's up, Ruby?

- Same one again?
You know we got other flavors.

- Yeah. Same sh*t, different day.

- I feel you.

- What's up with that book you're reading?

- Oh, it's a book about Norway.

- Norway?

What's Norway about?

- That's where they got
reindeers and sh*t.

I'm going there next month.

- Damn. For real?
Yeah.

- Sounds tight.

Pretty expensive though, huh?

- I got a system.

- Oh, sh*t, look at you,
you got a system now?

- Yeah, check this out.

Four days a week I work here,

one day a week I work
at the baggage claim at United Airlines

because, you know, if you work
at an airline, you get free flights.

Yeah, so I bust my a*s working here,

save my money
and then I can travel anywhere I wanna go.

I've been everywhere.

I've even been to Saudi Arabia.

- Man, Saudi Arabia?

- Yeah. It sucks, but I've been there.

- Damn, look at you.

You're like Antonia Bourdain.

- You're funny.

I hate when people want ice cream.

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, officer.

- See you later, Ruby.

- So, Don Emilio,
this is what it's come to.

Now, I don't believe in this

we all gotta
love each other unity bullshit.

- Mm-mmm.

- But what I do believe in is respect.

You're not respecting the fact

that we all have jobs
and we need our sleep.

- Lack of sleep
affects a man's testosterone.

Julio, tell him,
my husband can't get hard.

- No! Don't translate that.

Yvonne, what the f*ck?
- It's true.

- Don Emilio.

- No.

- You're putting us
in a difficult position, Don Emilio.

We all know that if
Darius k*lled your rooster,

then me and the other Latinos
gotta back your a*s up

and f*ck up Darius' dog.

- Hmm.

I don't wanna f*ck up Darius' dog.

That's a cute-a*s dog.

And when you f*ck up my dog,

my people gonna have to f*ck up
some of your people.

- Then we're in a race w*r.

- And you know what happens after that?

Mr. Chen gonna have to pick a side.

Don't put Mr. Chen in that position.

- Well, I'm sure
that janky-a*s garage you rent out

doesn't have a permit.
Mm-hmm.

It would be a shame if the city

found out and you had
to evict your tenants.

Tell him that, Julio.

- Don Emilio.

You know why everyone hates you?

'Cause they're jealous.

You don't gotta worry about nothing.

'Cause you're just a f*ck' rooster.

Your only job is to get chickens pregnant.

Damn. You're a player, huh?

How many chickens you f*cked in your life?

Probably like a hundred, huh?

Life is meaningless
and you don't even know it.

Lucky-a*s fool.

I would do anything
to trade places with you.

Anything.

Huh? Oh, sh*t, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Let go of it.

What... the... f*ck? Hey!

Mr. Chen? What the f*ck are you doing?

That rooster has to die.

You don't know what it's like

to not have your people around
to back you up.

- What happened to the Parks?

- They moved to Texas.

- What the f*ck?

It's too early to be bumping that sh*t.

- Doesn't bother me.

- Don Emilio.

Turn that mariachi sh*t off,
I'm trying to sleep.

- Yeah.

- I'm not f*ck' around with you.

If I don't get no sleep today,

that b*tch-a*s rooster
is gonna sleep forever!

- Man, you look like
a Taiwanese James Bond.

Psst.

Slick-a*s ties, huh, my boy?

- Yeah, they're pretty nice.

- Super nice.

Go ahead.

Take one.

- What?

- It's cool. I work here.

I'm the head of security.

But homeboy don't pay me enough.

So you know what I'm sayin'?
I don't give a f*ck.

Go with that green one.

sh*t looks good on you.

- Man, I don't know, I'm not trying
to get in trouble or nothing.

- Dawg... I got you.

Got you, dawg.
What the f*ck?

- f*cking tie thief.

- What the f*ck, man?
You tricked me!

- You tricked yourself, b*tch.

- What's going on over here?

- OG, I caught this m*therf*cker stealing.

- He said I could have it!

- Yeah, it was a test and you failed,

now time to pay the price, b*tch!

- Young blood, let this man go.

- But, OG, he f*cking tried--

- But nothing, let him go.

- He's taking the tie!

And the mannequin.

Don't worry about it.

We got mannequin insurance.

I don't know, I--

I guess I just feel like I--

I got all this energy and I don't know
what to do with it, you know?

Like something inside of me
just, like, can't figure this sh*t out.

I just feel like I just wanna go out there

and really, like, really do...

...something.

- Like start your own business?

Boy, you better not open up
a new suit shop next to me.

- Oh, no, no, not like that.

Man, I don't f*ck' know.

It's just that...

...sh*t keeps happening to me,

like people bump into me,
they don't say sorry.

It makes me feel,

makes me feel f*ck' crazy.

You know, I keep thinking to myself,

"So this is freedom, huh?"

There's times when I miss being in prison.

OG, please, man, like, tell me what to do

'cause I feel like
I'm about to lose my sh*t.

You know who you remind me of?

James Bond.

Now, there was a man of violence.

I've seen all 25 movies.

And do you know how many people he k*lled?

Five hundred and ninety-seven.
Oh, I counted.

Now, why do you suppose
he k*lled all them people?

Because he never settled down
with a nice woman.

Even though he met plenty of 'em.

Had sexual relations with 58.

Counted them too, bro.

Some women, he'd sleep with 'em

then he'd k*ll 'em.

That's part of what made it
such a fascinating franchise.

But that was also his downfall.

You see, in this life,

you got to find some way
to spend that energy.

You can either k*ll countless men

or find yourself a nice woman,

settle down, start a family.

That way you won't end up like James Bond.

A man I deeply respect

but I also pity.

Now, get out there

and clean that big erect p*nis
off my window!

The vandals have struck us again.

- Hello, my name is James Bond.
Will you buy me a sandwich?

- Nah.

Wait.

Did you just say your name was James Bond?

- No, I am Christ.

Jesus Christ?

- Hola, Officer Hernandez.

- What's up, Señora Bourdain?

- Damn, you finally went for a new flavor.

- Yeah, well, it's a new day.

- Okay, I see you.

- Yeah, well,

you know, I hope it's not being
too forward or anything,

but, you know, I was thinking that,

you know, maybe you and I could--

- Hello?

Can I get some help, please?

- Hey, my man.

Give us a minute, alright?
We're having a conversation here.

But, uh, I was gonna ask--

Hey, dawg, you ring
that bell one more time,

you're gonna regret that sh*t.

I f*ck' told you.
- Hey, Luis.

It's cool, it's cool.

Let me just take care
of this dumbass real quick.

- You motherfu--

Hey, my man.

How about a sorry?

- What?

- You just bumped into me
and didn't say sorry.

Alright? That's bad manners.

Made me drop these flowers on the ground

that I was about to give to somebody.

You should say you're sorry.

- Okay dude, relax, okay?
It's not that big of a deal.

- Not that big of a deal? f*ck that.

You can't just be going around
bumping into people and not saying sorry.

You know, in prison you get stabbed
for not saying sorry.

You can start a f*ck' race riot

for bumping into someone
and not saying sorry!

Y'all need to be a lot nicer.

Like people in prison are.

- Okay, alright. Hey, I'm sorry.

- Oh, now you're sorry, huh?

You know what?
f*ck that, m*therf*cker, it's too late.

- Oh!

- f*ck.

- Both of you get the f*ck outta here
before I call the cops.

Luis, wait.

You're right.

People around here
don't have any f*cking manners.

- Oh, sh*t.

For real?
Mm-hmm.

Now get the f*ck outta here.

- Right. I'ma hit you up later.

- Hi, hello. That as*h*le
is stealing ice cream.

- I just needed my mint chip.

Wait. No.

- That's right.

Suddenly, a close call.

I was hanging right on the edge.

At first we thought
that rooster was gonna divide us.

Yeah!

But you've done the impossible.

You have united us against you

with our hate
for that m*therf*cking rooster.

Yeah!

- Hey, translate that.

- Uh, man, actually
my Spanish isn't that good, like,

I speak it, I definitely understand it.

And besides, man,
Spanish is a colonizer language.

- Hey, Julio. Translate that sh*t.

- Suck my d*ck, b*tch.

I'm done translating for you.

- Forget you, then.

Don Emilio.

Yeah!

It's over.

Just hand over the rooster,
we can all go home.

That's alright.

I don't even care anymore.

k*ll me.

At least then I'll finally
be able to get some sleep.

That's alright, old man. That's alright.

Just hand over the rooster,
we can all go home.

- k*ll the m*therf*cker!

Yeah!

k*ll.

Stop!

Please don't k*ll the rooster.

He's all I have.

Damn.

This is sad as f*ck.

- Let's just go home.

Get one of those
f*ck' white noise machines.

- And some Viagra.

- Yeah.

There's a crow. Right there.

Right beside the window,
look at the silly bugger.

The raven is playing
in the heat waves rising off the truck.

- Hey, check it out, fool.

New tattoo.

Damn, dawg, I told you
to get this rooster outta here.

- He's on my side.

Ah, f*ck it,
I don't give a sh*t anymore anyway.

What you been up to?

- Same sh*t, different day.

- I feel that.