02x04 - Feel the Payne

[bunniefuu]

Oh, God, this icing is too runny.

It's too runny.
It's too runny, isn't it?

I'm just so stressed,
I'm sweating through my apron.

God, I'm such a pig.

- Will you please just shut up?
I can't concentrate.

- I'm sorry.
It's just, I wanna impress him.

Man. Oh, my hands, I'm shaking.

I'm shaking and I feel nauseous.

Do you feel nauseous?
- Not nauseous.

Aroused.

Lately, my anxiety has morphed
into something different.

Something... sexual.

- Shut... the f*ck... up.

What do we have here?

- Uh, lemon blueberry macaroon
with lavender cream filling, sir.

- I have one word for you:

No.

- Raspberry cream eclair
infused with rose.

- I have two words for you:

f*ck you.

A cupcake, I see.

Somebody must be feeling themselves today.

Let's see what you got here, Mary.

Mm!

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Mm-mm-mm.

Now that is absolutely... perfect.

But does it float?

The cupcakes here must float, Mary.

So why am I looking at this cupcake
chillin' at the bottom of the ocean

like it's the g*dd*mn Titanic?

- Oh...

Get it together, Mary,
or I will cut you loose.

Excuse me, Chef?

Two shady guys are here to see you.

- Bring 'em in.

Maybe they're somebody
who can teach y'all

how to make a suitable f*ck' pastry.

Hey!

What the f*ck are you two doing here?

- What's up, Chef Percy, how you been?

- I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
How are you? What's up?

Julio, man, you look good, man.

What's up?
- I'm good, I'm good.

- Damn, Chef Percy,
you're not gonna ask me how I'm doing?

- Listen, man, I ain't got no damn time
for all that damn chit-chat now.

I'm over here making people great.
What the f*ck y'all want?

- Alright, alright. Here's the thing.

Me and Luis, we're gonna open up a café.

- Yeah, like Starbucks, but better.

And we're not gonna have no bathroom code.

Actually, uh, maybe we should have one.

- Yeah, but we need
a badass culinary artist, like yourself,

to run the kitchen.

You're a beast in the kitchen.

We got the perfect location.

It's a spot in the hood.
We're all set up.

- Dawg, location is everything.

And it's gonna be like Hugs Not th*gs.

We're gonna hire and train ex-felons,
and check this out,

we're gonna call it Mugs Not th*gs.

- Ooh! Damn, that's a clean-a*s name, huh?

- So what's up? You ready to roll?

- Abso-f*cking-lutely not.

I got a beautiful thing going on here.

I make six figures a year,
I got healthcare,

the people here fear me

and secretly wanna have sex with me.

Ain't sh*t in the world you could say
to convince me to give all that up.

- Oh. Come on, dawg. Please!

- f*ck it, you've convinced me.

- The f*ck?

This ain't a café,
this is a f*ck' crime scene.

Look, there's blood
right there on the ground.

There's code violations everywhere.

- Yeah, I mean,
we're still tryin' to figure out

how to get the repairs done
and everything.

- I thought you said you had a plan, man.

Is this place even zoned properly?

- Of course, it is.

Or actually-- I-I don't know.

- Hey, hey, but don't worry,
we're gonna handle it right now.

Alright, I brought
my measuring tape and everything.

- Ooh-h*!

- Man, I left my whole f*ck' life
for this sh*t, man.

I had a 401k.
You finna give me a 401k?

Of course, I am.

What-what's a 401k?

Oh!
- Hey, sh*t! sh*t!

Chill, chill, homey.
Chill, chill.

Hey, homey. Hey.

Breathe!

- Come on. Be strong.
Be strong. Stay strong, homey.

- Didn't you do business sh*t
at Hugs Not th*gs?

- I mean, not really.

Minister Payne always handled that.

- Then f*ck' call that b*tch.
We need him.

- You don't think I tried?
He f*ck' disappeared.

His phone's dead,
his emails keep bouncing back.

- Dawg, I had to learn
what a mailer daemon is.

- Well, have you tried Googling him?

- Alright, let's see here.

- Damn, y'all live in a garage?

This sh*t is sad.

I got a garage.
You know who live in there? A car.

Not two Mexicans.

- Nothing's showing up.

- Why won't you type in
"Minister Payne Big a*s Donkey d*ck"?

- Dawg, that was a great idea.
- What?

Damn, Minister Payne has an OnlyFans?

Psst. I'm jealous.

He's probably in there
boning hot ladies and sh*t. Boom.

- Nah, looks like
he mostly just jerks off.

Hmm.

- Damn, we need an account to log in.

- Oh. We can use mine.

- Or you could use mine.

- I'll just use mine.

How we gonna talk
to this kinky-a*s fool?

- There's a live chat option.

- How much do it cost?

Are you pervs ready

to see a salami so big
it's destroyed lives, including my own?

Well, look no further, and get ready

to feel the Pa-a-ayne!

- Oh.
No.

Ooh. Whoa, who, whoa, whoa!

- No, no, no, no, no!
Chill, chill, chill.

- Payne. It's-it's me, Julio.

- Julio?

What are you doing on my OnlyFans?

- Alright, alright, here's the thing.

Me, Luis, and Chef Percy,
we're opening up a café

and it's gonna be
just like Hugs Not th*gs.

But this time, we got money.

- Yeah, homey, we got feria.

- Did you two rob a f*ck' bank?

- Luis and I are gonna run sh*t,
Chef Percy's gonna be the chef,

but we need you.

You're the one who knows
how to start a business,

do all that zoning sh*t.

Plus, it just wouldn't feel right
to do this without you.

So what do you say?

You ready to make
the prison industrial complex

suck our dicks again?

- Look, guys,
I appreciate you thinking of me,

but I'm done with helping people.

I wish you guys all the best

but, uh, this is not something
I wanna be a part of.

- Come on, dawg, please!

- No.

- No?

f*ck, that's what I should have said, no.

- I got a new life going,
and I'm finally at peace.

So, please, let it be.

And don't come looking for me.

- So that's it, huh?

- Nah, I know that fool.

He's just playing hard to get.

- Okay, but we don't
even know where he is.

- Hold up.

Check this out.

What the f*ck?

c*m diaper?

Dawg, what the f*ck you doing?

- Trust me.

Return address, b*tch.

That fool's out in the desert.
It's like three hours away.

Ah, sh*t, that's drivable.

- So you down to drive us out there?

Nah, you f*ck' drive.

- Come on, dawg, please?

A'ight, f*ck it, I'll do it.

Man, my van should be able to--
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

f*ck! Why do I keep on saying
yes to everything?

- Aw, hell no, man.

This is some Hills Have Eyes sh*t.

- Dawg, what the f*ck are you doing?

- Ruby's been showing me all these pics
from when she travels.

This ain't Copenhagen,

but I wanna show her
I've seen some sh*t, too.

- Yo, man, something don't feel right
about this place.

Creepy-a*s little tiny home.

Well, I think we found it.

Damn, Payne really doubled down

on the giant d*ck thing, huh?

How are my little peppers doing today?

You're growing up
big and strong and spicy.

You're daddy's spicy boys,

and daddy loves you.
Payne?

- I told you not to look for me.

- I thought you were playing hard to get.

- Alright. Come on in.

Cashew nuts.
- Sure.

- Uh, I only have, uh,
one mug to drink out of.

I'm trying to live more simply.

It's easier that way.

See, out here, you don't
need material possessions

weighing you down.

Damn, Payne.

You eat like a squirrel.

- Aha. Well, the squirrels got it right.

You see, the raw cashew
is nature's most perfect food.

All the nutrients your body needs
are right here.

You have fat, you have fiber,
you have protein,

you have iron, you have zinc, magnesium,

manganese, phosphorus,
it's all right here.

- It's alright there, huh?
Mm-hmm.

- Look, I know you said
you didn't wanna help us with the café

but before you make up your mind,
I wanted you to see this.

The Payne I remember was a fighter.

You don't belong out here in the desert,

eating cashews, not doing sh*t.

Here's your chance
to do great things again.

So what do you say?

- I appreciate what you guys
are trying to do

and, uh, yes, there was
a time when, indeed,

I thought my purpose in life
was to help others

fight an unjust system, but I was wrong.

And now I know the only thing
I have to offer this world

is the giant sweet potato
between my knees.

And I'm okay with that.

I've found my place
out here in the desert.

There's a, there's a, uh,
tranquil energy and a frequency

that I've tuned into.

You can, if you listen, you can hear it.

Holy sh*t.
- Oh, Lord.

What the f*ck?

Oh, sh*t!

- What the f*ck?

- Kirk, stop.

- I told you, take down those giant c*ck!

I don't like looking at 'em.

- That is art!

- I'm getting some b*mb-a*s photos
right now.

- The f*ck is going on?

- What's going on is
I'm about to doo-doo myself

and I didn't bring no extra pants.

Guess I could use
one of these diapers right here.

What size are these?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ceasefire.

- Truce?
- Truce.

You coming tonight?

- Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- You better bring those peppers.

- They'll make you sh*t blood.

- Looking forward to it.

Alright, just back away.

Nice and slow.

See you later.

- Sorry, guys.

- The f*ck?

My neighbor Kirk. Good guy.

Hey, y'all wanna stay
for the hootenanny tonight?

- Well, sh*t, they got a Hooters out here?

- f*ck a hootenanny, f*ck these cashews,

I'm getting the f*ck outta here.

- But we just got here.

- Look, goddammit,
Payne said no and that's that.

Now if you wanna walk your a*s back to LA,
you can do that.

If these psychos
don't k*ll your a*s first.

- f*ck.
Come on, man, let's go.

Bye, Mr. Minister Payne.

- Hey. You didn't tell me you had company.

This is great, you guys
can stay for the hootenanny

and be the guests of honor.

- Nah. Sorry, we gotta go.

What the f*ck?
What the f*ck?

- Man.
- Looks like someone shot out your tire.

That's too bad.

Well, the good news is you can,

you can now stick around
for the hootenanny.

- I got a spare, b*tch.

- I'm sorry about that.
- f*ck!

- Listen, I'll get you
new tires Monday morning.

But by then, you might not wanna leave.

'Cause the hootenanny

has a way of changing people.

- Breathe.
Just breathe.

- Deep breaths.
- You alright?

- Deep breaths.

- Damn, this sh*t looks good.

- Everyone here grows something
to contribute to the flavor.

No one here has much to give,

but what we do have,
we share with each other.

That's what I love
about this place, you see.

Money never changes hands here
because we don't need it.

- You sound like a f*ck' burnout.

- Yeah, I burned out.

And that's why I'm here.

- Man, Ruby would love this exotic sh*t.

I should have them wrap up some leftovers
to take back to her.

- Man, don't eat that sh*t.

They're tryin' to poison our asses
so they can eat us later.

- But if they were gonna eat us,
then why would they poison us?

You know what I mean?
'Cause then, when they eat us,

they would be poisoning themselves.

Plus, they're already
all eating the stew already,

so how could they--
Shut up, man.

You know what the f*ck I'm tryin' to say.

They crazy.

I don't even know why I came out here.

You don't give a sh*t anymore.

You're acting f*ck' brainwashed,

singing along to a campfire song
with these f*ck' creeps?

What happened to the old Payne?

- I've let all that anger go
and I've moved on.

Well, besides, with OnlyFans,
I come, like, 12 times a day,

and it's-it's really hard to feel rage
when you're that tapped out.

- f*ck that.

You're just running away
from your problems like a coward.

- I understand why you're mad, Julio.

Hugs Not th*gs meant a lot to me, too.

But now it's gone,
and I've grieved for long enough.

I'm not running away, I'm moving on,

and you should try it, too.

Hey, check it out.

It ain't every day
that I bust out that special jerky,

but you guys are the men of honor.

- Oh, hell, yeah. Local cuisine.

- Yeah, I'm good, man.

- Come on, give it a try.

- I-I'm good, man. Thank you.

- Uh, just give it a little taste. Go on.

Look, man, I don't know
what you hillbillies' exact plan is

but I know one thing,
I don't wanna eat your f*ck' jerky.

I'm tired of saying yes to everything.

f*ck!

It's alright, just breathe.

Calm down, you... you can talk to me.

- I don't wanna f*ck' talk to you, man.

I don't f*ck' know you.

Chef, Chef, it's me, it's Payne.

Trust me.

Everything's gonna be okay.

You can talk to us.

When did you start saying yes
to everything?

- Okay, when I was 12

my best friend asked me
to catch licks with him, right?

And I said yes.

And-and then they asked me
if I wanted to join a g*ng

and then I said yeah to that

even though all I ever wanted to do
was f*ck' go to art school.

And then at the altar when they asked me

if I wanted to take this woman
to be my f*ck' wife,

I said yeah to that.

I barely even f*ck' knew that b*tch.

And then I say yes to these fools

and now I'ma sit up here
and die in the f*ck' desert!

- Why is it you find yourself
saying yes to everything?

- I don't know, man.

Maybe it's 'cause I grew up in the hood
where I didn't have a lot of options,

so I had to say yes to everything
in order to survive.

Man, I done hurt a lot of people
'cause of the sh*t I say yes to.

- Chef Percy, the whole reason
people come out here

is to let go of who they were.

- Yeah, like a snake shedding its skin.

- You need to find your shame
and then let it out.

- Like this.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

This is why I came out here.

But now, it is time to party.

- There's some good vibrations
out here, boy.

Deeeeh!

I'ma miss this place.

- Well, you guys are more than welcome
to crash for a few more days if you like.

- Nah, we have to go home.

We have work to do.

- Chef Percy,

last night when you forgave yourself,

you inspired me to forgive myself, too.

You know, when I first got this car,

I had the choice of any color I could get

and I picked red.

I should've picked yellow.

That decision haunts me to this day.

And that's why I'd like you to have it.

Kirk, you're giving me a Ferrari?

Kirk.

Oh, thank you, man.

Yo!

- Where'd you get that?

- I bought it with money.

- What money?

You live in a shack,
you don't even have a front door.

- Well, when I'm here.

The rest of the year
I'm... in the Cayman Islands

or Martha's Vineyard, Manhattan.

- Martha's Vineyard?

- You're rich?

- Yeah, aren't you?

- No, I lost everything.
That's why I'm here.

I'm very poor.

This place is for people who have nothing.

- No, this is a place for rich people.

We're all billionaires,
everyone here's a billionaire.

- How the f*ck are you a billionaire?

- I invented fentanyl.

- Dawg.
- Dawg.

I know. Sorry.

Not sorry.

Listen, Payne, when you have everything,

you vacation
by pretending you have nothing.

That way you appreciate
all the power, money,

yachts, planes, children
that you have.

But you're... you're really...
a real-life poor person?

- That's it.

Six months.

Six months I've been in this sh*t h*le.

I gave those b*tches my peppers.

f*cking desert!

The f*ck do people live out here for?

Walking around every day
with sand up my a*s!

There's no f*ck' water out here.

That's why water
is gonna be $100 a bottle.

They pollute the water
then they sell it to you.

Sunny side, my ba*ls.

Motherfuck!

Let's get the f*ck outta here.

- Hey, Payne, you're just gonna
leave all your sculptures?

g*dd*mn, that is good.

I can't believe I was
living off of f*ck' cashews.

You know, I really lost my mind out there.

I was talking to peppers all day long.

- Hey. You're gonna love this spot
we got for the café.

It's close to where Hugs Not th*gs was.

- That's great. But, listen, this time,
we're making money, okay?

Because I am sick and tired
of everybody having money except me.

I've got a new philosophy,
"f*ck you, pay us."

- Cheers to that.

- Ey, Payne, so how much money
you making on your OnlyFans?

- Oh, oh, quite a bit actually,

but, you know, I have a lot of overhead.

Diapers, underwear, lube,
shipping costs, licensing music.

You know, everybody gets their cut.

I got this one lady, she's always
requesting all these costumes.

I mean, you saw it,
I put on a whole show, you know.

- Damn. You a whole-a*s enterprise, huh?

- Well, you know,
they say love what you do,

you never work a day in your life.

Yeah.

Oh, Payne, hey, we were talking about

whether or not to have
bathroom codes at the café

and we're leaning towards yes.

You gotta have bathroom codes.

Human beings are animals.

Hell, yeah.