02x05 - Cut the Sh*t

[bunniefuu]

We have a difficult task
at hand, gentlemen.

We're building a business
from the ground up

in hopes that down the line we can turn it
into a major franchise.

Now the decisions we make
in the next few weeks

may very well determine
the rest of our lives.

Luckily, we have got a man with a plan.

So, Julio,

what's that plan?

- Uh, the plan?

Um--

The plan.
- Yeah, the plan.

I mean, you're the reason we're all here.

What's your plan for the café?

- So my plan is

to have a café that employs ex-felons,

and the coffee's gonna be good.

Wait-- not good, great.

- Uh, duh, we know that part.

What's the vibe gonna be like?

Come on, what's the logo?

What's the color of the walls,
the mission statement,

the-the whole concept,
you know, the vision?

- This m*therf*cker ain't got no vision.

f*ck' Ray Charles over here.

- Hey, hey, hey, dawg, chill.

He's got a f*ck' vision.

Right, Julio?

- Of course, I have a f*ck' vision.

It's all up here.

I just gotta get what's in my head
on the page,

you know, iron out a few details.

- Okay, vision boy, then what are you
envisioning for the menu?

- So part of my vision is
that we're all equal partners,

so you get to decide what's on the menu.

Obviously, I get final approval,

but I want you to express yourself.

- Great. Percy, you work on the menu.

I'll start dealing with
zoning and permits with the city.

- And I'll start cleaning this place up.

Unless part of your vision
is that there's trash everywhere.

- No, that's not part of my vision,

but thank you for checking first.

- Alright, let's do this sh*t.

- Visionary.
Get one!

- Hey, ready to call it a night, dawg?

I'm f*ck' beat.

- sh*t yeah, me, too.

I'm sore as f*ck,

but the good kinda sore,
you know what I mean?

I'm my own boss now.

f*ck breaking my back for other people.

You know what I'm sayin'?
Mm-hmm.

I'm so proud of you, baby.

- Aw, thanks, baby.

- So, what, you got a logo and stuff yet
for this place?

- Uh, well, that's Julio's job.

- Visionary?
The f*ck's a visionary?

- Well, so basically,
he, like, sits around and thinks, a lot.

It's like a pretty high intense job,
to be honest.

I feel for that fool.

- So if he's the visionary, what are you?

The janitor?

- Hey, I'm not the janitor, alright?

I just do my part to clean up.

You know, I take out the trash,
unclog the toilets.

You know, boss sh*t.

- Sounds like
you're the f*cking janitor to me.

Hold up. Why does Julio get to be
the visionary and not you, hmm?

- Hey, Julio!

Take off your f*ck' headphones.

- Hey, can you not interrupt me?
I'm trying to visualize.

- Yeah, well, Ruby wants to know
and I wanna know too,

why you're the visionary and not me.

- Luis, come on,
you're clearly not a visionary.

- How the f*ck do you know?

- It takes one to know one, and I am one.

So if you were one, I would know.

And I do know that you're not one.

- Why don't you give Luis a chance?

I'm sure he has some
pretty visionary ideas too, hmm?

- It makes sense you would say that, Ruby,

because you are also not a visionary.

I mean, you didn't envision
the supermarket you work at.

No, you just work there.

You know who did envision it?
A visionary, like me.

- You live in a f*cking garage, Julio.

- You know who else lived in a garage?
Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs didn't live in a garage.

He started his business
in a garage, dumbass.

- Well, if Steve worked
half as hard as I do,

he probably slept in that garage.

- You know what? f*ck that, perro.

You said we were equals, alright?

I wanna be co-visionary.

And I co-vision
that you're now co-janitor.

We're gonna co-split everything
down the middle.

50-50.

- Listen, playboy, being a visionary,

it's not all fun and games, okay?

Why do you think I get migraines?

'Cause my brain's so big
it's trying to bust out my skull.

You don't want this life.

And I envision that after a day,
you'll be begging to be janitor again.

And you know what?

A mop looks good on you, playboy.

- You know what?
Kick f*ck' rocks, alright.

I marked it off in the calendar anyway.

Me and Ruby get the garage for tonight.

And I envision it's gonna be
at least a couple hours.

- Baby, it'll be six minutes at most.

- Yeah, it will.

- It's f*ck' impossible
to get any work done here.

Now I know why
Steve was angry all the time.

- Close the door.

- The f*ck?

f*ck' dog sh*t on our doorstep?

- Hey, fool, you gonna
pick that up or what?

- Hey, mop boy, we're equals.

Alright? So I'ma do my part.

Let's see here.

It's about... it's about four inches.

So divide that by two, carry the zero.

That's about two inches each.

There we go.

Rest is all you, playboy.

You know what?

I'm envisioning painting the walls blue.

Hugs Not th*gs had blue.
We should have blue, too.

- Just 'cause we used blue before

doesn't mean we should use blue again.

Visionaries, they don't look to the past.

They look to the future.

There's a reason our eyes are
in front of our heads, not in the back.

Also, you just can't say blue.

There are a thousand shades of blue.
Which blue?

- I don't know. Regular blue.

- Regular blue isn't a color, dumbass.

Maybe you should do some research

before you make
another uninformed suggestion.

- Let's see this sh*t.

- Unbelievable.

- Where's the blues at?

Oh, says right here. Check it out.

The color blue is known to symbolize
peace and tranquility.

Sounds like a good color to me.

Let me see that.

- Homeys are gonna be lining up
to come in here and chill.

Get all tranquil and sh*t.

Maybe even take a nap.

And then, boom, they wake up
and need another cup of coffee.

Now we're making double the money.

- It says here
that red makes people hungry.

So we should go with a shade of red.

- Oh, yeah, but check it out.

It also says red instills anger.

- Then I guess you're red,
because you're f*ck' pissing me off.

- Well, you know what then?

I'll paint my half of the café
regular blue,

and you paint your half
whatever ugly-a*s color you want.

- Hey, dumbass,
the walls need to be the same color.

- You better pick blue then, perro.

- I need a f*ck' break.

It's impossible
to work in this environment.

- Aw, sh*t, look at you.

You went from Huggers to CEOs.

That's what I'm talking about.

- You're like real deal bosses now.

- Julio, is that you?

Are you going through a divorce?

- It's pretty cool Luis and Percy
gave you a job, man.

- Well actually, Jorge,
this whole place was my idea.

I'm the visionary.

What are you guys even doing here?

- These guys are doing us a big solid
and helping with construction,

so we gotta mark this place up,

so they could start building tomorrow.

Now, Julio, what's the layout?

- What layout?

- What are you talking about, man?

You're the visionary.
You gotta be on top of this sh*t.

- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, that's why I'm just f*ck' around.

Of course, I have the layout.

It's all in my head.

So, layout-wise...

...I'm envisioning...

...the kitchen.

- This m*therf*cker don't know the layout.

I don't know the layout?

Then how do I know this?

The kitchen goes over there. Bam.

- You got it.

- And I'm envisioning
the front counter right--

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, hold up, dawg.

The gas hookup's all the way
on the other side of the room.

I saw it earlier when I was cleaning.

So the kitchen obviously
has to go over there.

And I'm envisioning

the front counter

right over here.

- That's smart, Luis. Good job, buddy.

- I envisioned that too, so, you know,

I deserve co-credit for that.

- Okay, yeah, good job to you too, Julio.

Alright, alright, let's get to work.

- Yeah, get to work, everyone.
Get to work.

- Are you doing alright, buddy?

- Yeah, I'm alright. I'm alright.

- Oh, good, because things
are starting to move really fast,

and every day we're not open,
we lose money.

So as soon as those walls go up,
we gotta paint 'em,

which means you need to pick a color.

- I-I got you.

I'll pick a color before I leave tonight.

- Alright.

And, hey, listen,
I know this sh*t is daunting,

but you got this.

This is a chance to express yourself.

- Yeah, express myself.

- Good.

- Thank you.

Express myself.

Aw.

f*ck' Luis.

- You guys nailed it.

Julio, my man, check out this logo
Luis and Ruby came up with.

Yeah, it just came to me earlier.

I mean, Ruby came up with it,
but I drew it.

sh*t looks pretty tight, huh?

- Brilliant, right? This is the one.

- Unless, you know,
you visionaried a better idea, Julio.

- Guess that's fine.

- Great.

Your vision's really coming together.

Also, I was envisioning with my ears,

like, what kinda music
we should play in the café.

I was thinking maybe in the morning
we start with some slow jams

you know, to get going.

And then after lunch, you know,
people need that second push,

we hit 'em with that freestyle.

Keep fools awake.

That's smart, baby.
- Thanks, baby.

Oh, and by the way, Julio,
I Googled if your migraines

had anything to do with how smart you are,

and my research concluded that you're just
a dumbass who gets headaches.

- You know what? I'm gonna need
some alone time in the garage.

- Why, you gotta jack off, huh?

- No, I'm gonna work on my vision.

- You didn't mark it on the calendar.

- Yeah, I didn't f*ck'
mark it on the calendar,

but I never get any alone time in here

because you guys are so f*cking greedy.

- Alright then, fine.

But for future reference,
you don't gotta lie.

You gotta jack off,
you say you gotta jack off.

- Julio, there's no shame in it.

It significantly reduces
the rate of prostate cancer.

- I'm not gonna jack off.
I'm gonna work on my vision.

- All he's gonna envision
is some nasty-a*s porn.

Close the door.

- Carlos!
- What up?

- My bad.

As I was coming up with the menu,

you know what I realized?

I'm f*ck' done with cupcakes.

Now it's time for us
to take on the motherfuckin' muffin.

It's a new era of muffins.

Yo, Julio, taste that muffin, boy.

- I'm not really a muffin guy.

- Look what I found.

A dozen of these babies out on the street.

Come help me grab the rest.

- Hold on, you're gonna
use these chairs for the café?

- Why not? They're free.

Oh, did you finish writing up
that mission statement?

I'm thinking we could put it on the wall
over here next to the mural.

- Wait, what mural?

What mural?

The f*ck' mural, Julio.

- Get out your motherfuckin' paintbrushes.

We about to paint this b*tch, homeys.

- Everybody stop what you're doing!

This is all wrong.
None of this fits my vision.

This is a free-for-all of sh*t ideas,
and I hate it.

I don't know when this all got decided,

but we need to slow down.

- Julio, we've been working
on all of this for weeks.

Now, at a certain point,
if you can't figure out your vision,

well, we're gonna have--

- Just give me one more night.

I'll figure everything out,
if you just leave me alone

for one more night!

Just f*ck' start typing
the mission statement, you piece of sh*t.

f*ck' do it.

What the f*ck would that fool Steve do?

He'd write the f*ck' mission statement
so he'd have more time to yell at people.

Write the f*ck' vision.

Go, b*tch.

Alright, come on, let's go.

At Mugs Not th*gs,
we're all about organic,

ethically sourced,
environmentally correct,

sustainable, affordable,
healthy food from the heart.

From the heart?

Ugh, f*ck' corny bullshit.

Mugs Not th*gs
is all about second chances.

You can taste the forgiveness in every--

Mugs Not th*gs is about
not judging a book by its cover.

Even though covers typically give you

a pretty good idea
of what the book is about.

And how else are you
supposed to judge a book

if you don't have time to read it?

Mugs Not th*gs
was started by four friends.

No, four homeys.

No, Mugs Not th*gs was started

when a man put a g*n to my head.

Mugs Not th*gs was started by a g*n.

I should've just let him
pull the f*ck' trigger.

Mugs Not th*gs was founded by Julio Lopez,

who never wanted to start a coffee shop,

but kept telling people he did
because I'm a f*cking coward

and a loser and a fraud.

No one respects me
because I have nothing to offer the world,

just some f*ck' dude who likes coffee.

No.

I don't like coffee.

I love coffee.

I'm Julio Lopez, and I love coffee.

Mugs Not th*gs is proud to serve

the highest-quality coffee
in South Central.

It was founded by Julio Lopez,

an entrepreneur who always had a dream.

He dreamed to start a café.

But it's no longer a dream,

because now it's a dream come true.

The American dream.

Raised in the hood by a single mother,

Julio Lopez beat the odds
and now provides opportunities

for those that society has left behind.

He's a visionary,
the Steve Jobs of coffee.

The only difference is Steve never slept
in his garage, but Julio lives there.

Also, Steve Jobs is dead,

so people need a new hero to look up to,

one without a turtleneck this time.

And that's Julio Lopez,
a man who came to America

with nothing but a coffee bean
in his pocket

and a twinkle in his eye.

Well, technically I was born here.

But my parents are from Mexico,
so it's still inspiration.

Hi, I'm Julio Coffee Lopez.

No, I'm Julio Coffee,
and that's Mr. Coffee to you.

I'm Mr. Coffee, and I'm gonna
change the world of coffee.

Forever.

Whoo!

We've lost sight
of what's most important, the coffee.

I've noticed that many of you
don't drink coffee

and some of you have been
bringing Starbucks into my café.

You think people are gonna come here
and buy our coffee

because it's made by ex-felons
that turned their lives around?

f*ck no!

People will come here because of me.

It was my idea to bring in
high-end gourmet coffee to South Central.

I am the visionary.

- Hey, dawg,
we're co-visionaries, alright?

- I will not let you turn my café
into a f*cking compromise.

Steve didn't compromise
and from now on neither will I.

The walls will be Rosso Corsa red.

And we're not using
any of your shitty street furniture.

And we're not making muffins.
We're making scones.

- I f*ck' hate scones.

- Well, you're gonna love 'em, b*tch.

Jorge, come with me.

I have a vision for the mural.

Jorge.

If we don't kick
this m*therf*cker off the team,

I am going to without a doubt m*rder him.

So it's best if we do this sh*t now.

I hear you, Percy,
but this whole thing was Julio's idea.

None of us would be here
if it wasn't for him.

Yeah, but we don't
need him anymore, alright?

We've got me.

I'm the real Steven Jobs.

Look, I know
he's acting like a f*ck' idiot,

but, I mean, the poor guy
lives in a f*ck' garage.

And so do we, but.

He needs this,
so let's just let him paint the walls

whatever color he wants.

- It's not what
I envisioned for the mural,

but I guess it works.

Congrats on the achievement
of your vision, dawg.

- Thanks, playboy.

I'm really proud of the work I did.

You know what?

Thanks for giving me
the opportunity, chief.

- You're welcome, Jorge.

Now get the f*ck outta here.

- Hey, Julio. We're all gonna head out
and get something to eat.

- Be right there.

- I'm not a visionary.

I just want the coffee to be f*cking good.

The walls can be blue.

The red is a little intense.

And I'm sorry about the wall.

- Actually, I think what you did is smart.

Huh?

If we leave this part open,

customers can see into the kitchen.

- Yeah, it's good
you f*cked up the wall, Julio.

- Yo, Julio,
we're f*ck' making muffins.

- Muffins sound great.

- And, uh, maybe get me
one of them gift certificates

to Massage Envy or something.

You owe me a present.

- Man, let's go eat, yo.