02x07 - The Big Deal

[bunniefuu]

Do you remember
our old English teacher, Big Booty Judy?

Big-a*s nalgas.

Whatever happened to her?

- She died.

Damn.

Yeah, I guess that a*s finally quit.

Oh, sh*t.
- What the f*ck?

Dawg, what the f*ck happened?

- I went to go see Slayer last month

and I got my teeth
knocked out in the pit.

- Dawg, you're 33
and you're still getting in the pit?

- f*ck that, I can't do
standing-only shows anymore.

My knees need seats.

- Hey, you wanna hit that, Julio?

- Nah, I'm good with this.

- Damn, all healthy and sh*t?

Hey, respect.

I'm not touching anything either.

Christina broke up on my a*s again
'cause I keep getting f*cked up.

I'm trying to win her back,
so your boy's on good behavior.

- Man, you've been saying that sh*t
since high school.

- f*ck you, b*tch.

- Hey, Julio, you and Maggie
back together yet?

- Nah, fool,
we broke up for real this time.

- Ohh.
- See, fool, I told you.

You owe me 20 bucks.

- What the f*ck?
You fools were betting on me?

Shady-a*s fools.

- Alright, I gotta go pick up my kid.

Anyone wanna hit this before I go?

- No, fool, I'm good.
- Thanks, man.

- f*ck it, let me take one hit.

Nah, nah, nah, I'm not gonna
get cross-faded, relax, alright?

You're relapsing.

- Yeah.
Bro.

- I'ma keep it cute.

Come on.

- We've been here before, man.
Oh.

- Hey, let's have f*ck' fun tonight.

- Hey, take it easy, you f*ck' psycho.

Hey, fool, what's up?

Hey.

I'm pregnant so I gotta go first.

- Oh, sh*t, yeah, my bad, go for it.

- That b*tch isn't pregnant.

- How do you know?
- She had wine lips, trust me.

- Damn, I got played, huh?

- Should we k*ll her?

- Yeah, maybe bury
her a*s out in Palmdale?

- Can we put her in your trunk?
I got my ex in mine.

- Yeah, we can get some acid
and then melt them in a barrel.

- Turn their body fat into soap.

- Then lather ourselves up with it,
get that smooth skin.

- Sounds like a spa day.

- Who do you know here?

- I work with Angie, she dragged me out.

This party's kinda lame, though.

- Yeah, it is.

Why the f*ck are we here?

- Probably because we hate ourselves.

- You're right, I do f*ck' hate myself.

- Yeah, me, too.

- I heard you guys
talking about k*lling me.

- b*tch, did your baby hear us, too?

Mind if I go first? I have diarrhea.

- Oh, yeah, sure.

- I'm f*cking with you,
I just wanted to go first.

I'm Teresa.

- I'm Julio.

- And so low-key,
these fools always look to me

as like a mentor type of figure,
you know what I mean?

I was almost on varsity
and then I got hurt, so.

But I've always been competitive.

I f*ck' get down on beer pong.

I bet you 20 I can beat you.

I'm sure you could.

- Let's do it then, you ain't down.

- Hey, playboy, I wanna play.

- Oh, sh*t.

Damn, look at this fool coming in
and wanting to play like that.

- But it's me and her
against your annoying a*s.

Think you can you handle that or what?

- Dawg, I don't need no partner.

I'm gonna f*ck you fools up.

No mames.

- f*ck!

- So where'd you go to high school?

Centennial, you?

- Jefferson.

- Did you guys have race riots?

- f*ck, yeah, but trip out,

in the whole high school
we only had two white boys, right?

White Mike and White Larry.

And one of them was a cholo
and the other one was a Blood.

And anytime we had race riots,

these fools would find each other,

f*ck each other up.

- Damn, that's beautiful.

- Ugh! f*ck!

What do you do for work?

I'm a vet tech, but I wanna
quit 'cause it's too sad.

- Why, you gotta put down
little cute animals and sh*t?

- Yeah.

What do you do?
- Let's go!

- I'm gonna open up a café.

- Oh, sh*t, did you always
wanna open up a coffee shop?

Actually, no.

You know, a dude put a g*n to my head
and made me do that sh*t.

- Told you I'd f*ck' win!

f*ck, yeah, perro!

- Oh, that's sweet, he's happy.
Let's go!

- Not for long, watch.

In exactly one hour, that fool's gonna
try to throw down with someone.

¿De veras?

- Exactly one hour.

- Knuckle up, b*tch,
we're gonna throw down.

- Oh, sh*t, but why? You're my boy.

- Remember that time
you pantsed me junior year

in front of Jessica Rosales?

That's why, b*tch. Let's go bodies.

- Dawg, but we threw down
over that sh*t years ago.

You f*cked me up bad, you don't remember?

- Oh. Oh, yeah, you're right.

But you better not
f*ck' do it again, you got me?

- Hey, you got it, big dawg.

Damn, that fool's unstable.

- Nah, he's a softie.

He's gonna start crying, watch.

First time him and his ex broke up,

I found him naked in the street
singing this song.

Check it out.

Three, two, one.

- Christina.

Why? God, just tell me why!

- Damn, this is making me sad.

And I gotta pee again.

- Me, too.
- I also gotta fart.

- That's disgusting.

Hey, you think I can get your number
so I can prank call you?

- Yeah, you could have it.

Weird time to ask for my number though.

Eh, it's not that weird.

Wait till I ask for a golden shower.

- Hey, but, listen.

Yeah?

- I have a kid.

No big deal.

- You sure?

'Cause for a lot of guys,
it is a big deal.

I love kids.

You know, not like in a weird way.

- Okay, good, because I need you
to pick her up from school tomorrow.

Wait, what?

- I'm f*cking with you.

Shut up, dummy.

Ooh, I feel lighter.

Damn.

She's gonna get pregnant
for real this time.

- Can I call you Christina?

- Yeah, okay.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I've been on hold
for an hour and a f*ck' half

with the city already,
so, no, you may not put me on hold again

unless this is hell and you're the devil,
in which case, go right ahead.

- So you meet the kid yet?

- Nah, it's chill.

There's no drama, you know.

- Damn, you're like a dad already,

but you look like a grandpa.

And once you have kids of your own,

you're gonna give 'em
your shitty Jack disease.

- Jack disease?

- Dawg, you don't remember
that movie Jack

starring that fool Mrs. Doubtfire,

where he's a little kid,
but he looks all old?

sh*t is a underrated banger.

Damn, I wouldn't mind
having kids of my own.

We could watch Jack together,

show 'em all the classics.

- You can have my three annoying-a*s kids.

Them m*therf*ckers bad.

- You have kids?

- Damn, I didn't know that.

Well, maybe you would

if you ask me something about me
every now and then.

All y'all do is talk about yourselves.

"My rooster" this,
"my world traveler girlfriend" that.

Sometimes hanging out with y'all
be hurting my feelings sometimes.

- Sorry, Percy.

'Sup, this is the suicide hotline.

Hey, Teresa, don't k*ll yourself,
you just met a cool guy.

Listen, Julio, I have a huge ask.

I-I've literally tried everybody
and I'm so sorry to call.

- You okay? What's up?

Do you think you can
pick Aurora up at school

and take her to soccer practice?

- Wait, you're f*cking with me, right?

No, I'm for real.

I got a surprise
mandatory training session at work.

It's f*cked up, but I won't be available
for the next few hours

and her f*cking dad's not picking up.

I'm so sorry.

I-I wouldn't be asking
if you weren't the absolute last resort.

- Hey, no big deal.

All I gotta do is pick her up
and take her to practice?

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

I'll call the school and tell them
you're coming and text you the info.

- You got it.
Hey, go get trained.

You're the best. Bye.

- Bye.

- Julio, I need you to drive me
to the city permit office

to pick up our sidewalk dining license.

- Actually, I can't,
I'm picking up Teresa's daughter.

- Wait, the chick you're dating has a kid?

- Yeah, but it's casual.

I'm just giving the kid a ride,
no big deal.

- No big deal?

Are you f*ck' stupid?

- What?

Here's what's gonna happen.

You'll get close to the kid, then when it
doesn't work out with the mom, bam.

The kid is traumatized.

Years later,
that kid's gonna be in therapy

crying to some shrink
about how their life didn't turn out right

because their mom once dated a loser

who lived in a garage
and stunk up the bathroom.

- I don't stink up the bathroom.

- Julio, I live with you.

You're rotting from the inside.

- f*ck, what do you think I should do?

- Look, kids are like cops.

The less you have to
deal with them, the better.

So you maintain boundaries
with this kid, okay?

Don't get to know it.

Don't get too close to it.

Don't ask it any questions.

Don't even look it in the eyes.

Just keep it hydrated.

It'll be okay.

- Okay, boundaries, got it.

- And hydration.

Hydration is key.

Boundaries, and keep her hydrated.

Give her water, that's all you gotta do.

f*ck, why did I agree to do this?

I'm a f*ck' idiot.

I should throw myself off a bridge.

- Are you Julio?

- Yeah, are you Aurora?

- Yeah.
- Get in.

Sorry, this front seat's taken,
gotta sit in the back.

Here, drink this.

- Okay.

Approximately 15 minutes
to soccer practice.

- So, are you like my mom's friend?

- Yep.
- How did you meet?

- It's a boring story,
you don't wanna hear it.

You'd be too bored.

- Don't you wanna know
how my day was or something?

- It's none of my business.

- Do you have kids?

- Sorry, I gotta listen to this.

The advanced surgeons

at the Center for Innovative Care--

- That's just commercials.

Yeah, but these are
my favorite commercials,

they're really good.

- What do you do for work?

Don't worry about it. Drink water.

- I'm not even thirsty.

- You don't have to be thirsty
to drink water.

I wish I drank more water
when I was a kid.

I would have better skin.

- My skin is fine.

- Oh, lucky you.

- Yeah, I am lucky.

- Yeah, I know, I said that.

- Weirdo.

Alright, come on, let's go.

Let's go.
I'm going.

- You're gonna have a lot of fun,
come on, let's go.

- What's going on?
You're gonna--

- Hey, just dropping her off.
What's going on?

- Yeah, practice is canceled.

An airplane spilled jet fuel
all over the field.

- Wait, what?

Yeah, it happens every couple years.

This neighborhood
is directly under a flight path.

- But I mean,
they can still practice, right?

I mean--
- No.

- The field is probably
all nice and lubricated.

Imagine how fast they'll be able to run.

You'll run really fast, huh?

Absolutely not.

The oil seeped into the ground

and now the field
is a mass grave for gophers.

They'd be stepping all over them,
tripping on 'em.

They would really interfere with the game.

Gotta stop volunteering
in these shitty-a*s neighborhoods.

- Puta madre.

Hey, I'm gonna call your mom, okay?

Come on, let's go.

Hey! So, um, practice is canceled.

Um, so what ended up happening

was an airplane dumped like jet fuel
or some sh*t on the, on the field.

But we're all good here.
Nothing to worry about.

You know, it's not a big deal.
It's no big deal.

But, um, I'm just kind of,
you know, I'm wondering what to do.

So when you get a chance,
you know, give me a call.

But it's no big deal.

But just call me as soon as you get this,
but it's no big deal.

Okay.

Do you have keys to your house?

f*ck, let's get outta here.

Mama?
Hmm?

- No.

- You wait there.

I'm going to make you
a yummy, yummy sandwich.

- Okay.

- Chingados.

- Okay, a little sandwich-ito

for my little queenicita.

Mama.

Hi.

Why is there a kid in there?

Jesus, Amá.

You know what, Julio?

Good for you dating that woman.

Doing something good
in your life for once.

- It's not a big deal, huh?

- No, it is a big deal, Julio.

This kid is a part of your life now.

You need to take that seriously.

- Hey, you guys know that there's,
like, a female child in the living room?

- I'll give you 20 bucks
if you look after her.

- Money up front. Pay me, stupid.

- Yeah, great, just pass her along
to be somebody else's problem.

- I don't want any drama.
No drama?

There's a f*cking preteen in there.

- She's crying, I'm out.

- She's crying?

f*ck.

- Yeah, I'm taking Mom to the eye doctor.

Do the right thing, Julio,
you're a f*cking dad now.

- Ana, can I get my 20 bucks back?

Shut up, stupid.

- Oh, man.

- Hey. You wanna watch TV?

- I was lying.

- f*ck!

I-I'm sorry, Aurora,
I didn't mean any of it.

I was talking to my mom.

You know how moms are,
sometimes they can be b*tches.

But not your mom.

I'm really sorry. Uh--

Ooh, uh, do you want some water?

- I don't want any water!

- Oh, what about ice cream?

- You think I'm five?

- Okay.

Is there anything,
anything I can do to make you feel better?

- Is this your first time
getting your makeup done, sweetie?

- Yes.

My mom doesn't let me wear it.

So your dad brought you?

That's sweet.

He's not my dad.

He only brought me here
because he made me cry.

- Not asking any more questions.

- Julio Lopez?

It's me, Julio. También.

- Hi, Julio.
- Hey.

- This is such a fun coincidence.

- Yeah, it's nice to see you guys.

Congrats on getting married.

- Yeah.
- I saw on Instagram.

Yeah, thanks.

- Best day of my life.

Mwah!

Oh.

Hello? Yes.

Uh, sorry, I gotta take this.

- So you ended up with También?
Yeah, I did.

It's nice having financial security
and someone who's willing to commit.

Hmm.

- What about you,
still living with your mom?

- Nah, I moved out.

Actually accomplished my dream
of opening up my own café.

- You wanted to open up a café?

- Yeah. You probably forgot
all those times I mentioned it to you.

Hmm.

Why are you in a makeup store?

- I'm actually a father now.

See that little girl over there,
Aurora, she's my daughter.

You know, I didn't post
about it on Instagram

because I don't need
the validation of likes.

Being a father is rewarding enough.

- You mean stepdad?

- Oh, she actually calls me Dad.

Why create boundaries?

- Why don't you introduce me?

- Oh, we're actually raising her
not to speak to strangers.

- Ahh, lucky you know me then.

- Lucky me.
Oh.

- I'm all done.

- Hey, mija, this is my friend Maggie.

- Hi, sweetie, you look so pretty.

Sorry you're stuck
with your stepdad today.

- I'm actually having a great time.

Thanks again, Dad.

- Well, what do we have here?

A princess in the makeup section?

What an honor.

Oh, and what's... this?

A shiny quarter for Her Majesty.

Oh, actually I forgot to eat lunch today.

I'm starving.

Hmm.

Mm. Mm.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh!

- I don't want that.

Alright, let's get outta here.

But, sweets,
you haven't gotten your eyeshadow yet.

- They don't have my color, dear.

- Uh, what about this one?

- That is mascara.

- You know what?
I'll leave you guys to it.

Good luck.
Can't wait to see the kids on Instagram.

Mm.
- Let's go.

See ya.

- She seems weird.
And that guy's a dumbass.

- I'll buy you whatever
you want in the store.

Hey.

A jet fuel spill, what the f*ck?

Are you guys okay?

- Yeah, we're all good now.

I'm so sorry.

Where did you guys go
instead of soccer practice?

- We... just went to my mom's.

Oh, sh*t, I feel so bad.

- Don't feel bad. It's not a big deal.

Okay, well,
thank you for handling all this.

I'll be home in 30,
I'll meet you guys there.

- Alright, see you then.

Alright.

We gotta be home in 30 minutes
and you got all that sh*t on your face.

Damn. Smart.

- Hey. You have a good day?

It was fine.

- I'm sorry I couldn't pick you up, mija.

It won't happen again, I promise.

- It's not a big deal, Mom.

Okay, well, go wash up for dinner.

Thank you.

I guess I owe you now, huh?

Don't be a freak about it though.

- Hey, glad I can help.

- Can Julio stay for dinner?

- Oh, uh--

- I don't mind.
You know, it's not a big deal.

- No, not a big deal.

Okay, Aurora, go wash up.

She's an eavesdropper.

- Oh, believe me, I know.

- See, what the f*ck is that?

- What?

- Why does my kid f*ck' like you?

- I don't know. You like me.

Guess I'm just likable like that.

- Aurora doesn't like anyone.

- Must be my fun personality.

- No, that's definitely not it.

Look... this is turning into a big deal.

- Wait, I thought you said
it wasn't a big deal.

It wasn't, but now it is.

My kid liking you is a big deal.

My kid meeting your mom and asking you
to stay for dinner is a big deal.

There's a line we're about to cross.

So, either you stay for dinner
and it's a big deal

or you gotta go right now.

And if you gotta go,
that's fine, that's okay, really.

I could tell her something else.

- I'll stay, all good.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Good.

Because I took a pregnancy test
this morning

and I'm pregnant with your child.

- What?

- I'm f*cking with you.

I threw myself down some stairs.

- Oh, good.

- Aiden.
Tell him you're sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- It's alright.

Uh, don't trip.

Kids.

- Yeah, kids.

Single mom life.

- Yeah, I get that, single dad life here.

- Single dad, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Must be hard.

- Yeah, but, you know, single moms,

they're the ones who really got it hard.

Respect.

- Yeah, that is really nice to hear.

- It's true.

- Oh.
Hi, princess.

Uh, well, I guess
I'll see you later, single mom.

- Bye, single dad.

Hey.

Um, sorry,

but, um, would you
maybe wanna go out sometime?

- Oh, uh, I'm actually dating someone.

It's great, she doesn't have kids.

But, hey, good luck out there.

Come on.

- Aiden.

Hey, go karate kick that guy in the nuts.

f*ck, yes.

- Dumbass.