02x09 - Y Tu Depression También

[bunniefuu]

This heat is f*cking you up, too, huh?

Nah, dawg.

It's Ruby.

- You guys weren't
even dating for that long.

- Well, f*ck you, b*tch.

When you and Maggie broke up,
you were all sad about it,

and you didn't even like her that much.

Imagine being like that

but with your soulmate.

- Hey, hey, hey,
I'm trying to sleep over here.

Can you guys be sad quietly, please?

Jesus.

She could be
anywhere in the world right now.

Probably getting rammed
by some exotic fool.

f*ck.

Good morning, sleepy head.

How did my angel sleep last night?

- Like sh*t.

- We gotta sign you up
for one of those sleep studies.

Mwah.

So I have that hearing this afternoon

and it's looking like
I'm gonna be able to get amnesty

for those Haitian immigrants,

but I shouldn't be too late

so I was thinking maybe

sex tonight?

Alright, I'll pick up
something light for dinner.

- Hey, Ashley.
- Jason?

What are you doing here?

It's past curfew.

- I was just wondering,

will you go to junior prom with me?

- But, Jason, we broke up yesterday.

I know we did Ashley,

but I was just sort of wondering

if we could maybe, like, un-break up?

- This show's stupid.

- Sorry, but I can't, Jason.

It just wouldn't be fair... to Lason.

- What kinda stupid-a*s name is Lason?

And why did Jason go all the way
to her house to talk to her?

Why didn't he just text her?

- Jason got in trouble
for stealing a pack of gum

so his phone got taken away.

He's kind of a bad boy.

Plus, he's a history whiz.

Lason knows all the names
of the presidents

and he says that I'm his First Lady.

- But why do their parents
let teenagers have zip lines

into each other's rooms?

Can we watch something else, please?

But I wanna find out
if Ashley and Jason get back together.

- Obviously, they're gonna
get back together.

The show's called Ashley and Jason,

but you know what?

Nobody should be together
since high school.

- I want my skateboard back.

- But you were going to
teach me how to ollie.

I guess Lason will have to teach you now.

- I hate you, Jason!

Ugh!

Jason!

Can we still be friends?

- And the theme song sucks, too.

- Mija, it's time to get ready for bed.

- But it's too hot to sleep.

- Get a fan from the closet.

- Hey, dumbass,
why'd you tell her the show sucks?

- Because it does.

- Of course, it sucks. It's for kids.

- That show makes me wanna stab myself
in the heart Elliott Smith style.

- Dude, you need therapy.

- If going to therapy is gonna make me
like Ashley and Jason,

hey, keep your dumbass therapy.

- Whatever. I'm not gonna
force you to go to therapy.

It's your f*cking life.

Just let my kid enjoy her dumb show.

- Alright, fine.

Hey, but you do know
that Ashley and Jason

are gonna get back together
next episode, right?

Like that's clear to you?

- Of course, I f*cking know that,
I'm not an idiot.

- Just checking.

I was just sort of
wondering if we could maybe, like,

un-break up?

- Sorry, but I can't, Jason.

It just wouldn't be fair... to Lason.

- She lets her kid watch this garbage?

This will rot her brain.

It's child abuse.
It's all about conformity.

Jason, Lason.

This is corporate media
trying to indoctrinate kids' minds

before they have a chance
to think for themselves.

sh*t like this makes me
wanna swallow a shotgun Kurt Cobain style.

- I said the exact same thing,
Teresa said I need therapy.

- Therapy's good for other people,

not people like us
who see through the bullshit.

Yeah, for sure.

But I'm starting to wonder 'cause, uh,

you know, I got a lot of good things
going on in my life right now

and, uh, I just don't feel anything.

Maybe I got a chemical imbalance or,

you know, I grew up without my dad,
maybe that's something?

- You're gonna pay
some PhD as*h*le $500 an hour

to learn you got daddy issues.

I'll save you some money,
you got daddy issues.

So does everybody.

And dads have reasons for leaving.

Everybody knows that.

You need somebody to talk to,
you talk to me.

I'm your friend.
That's what friends are for, right?

- Yeah. Right.

- It's hot as ba*ls in here.

I'm gonna go outside and hose myself down.

I feel for that fool Jason.

- I know how to break dance.

- No, you don't, Jason.

Aw.

- I'm sure Ashley
has her reasons and everything

but doesn't mean that sh*t don't hurt.

- Hey, you think Payne is depressed?

- Not as depressed as me.

It basically feels like
my heart is broken up

into, like, a million little pieces.

- That's literally heartbreak.
You're just sad.

- You know, it makes sense
you wouldn't understand me

'cause you're not depressed like me.

I need professional help.

Probably gonna put me
on f*ck' meds and sh*t.

And if that doesn't work,
I'm gonna need surgery.

You don't know what you're talking about.

I'm the one that's depressed.

I'm mad about a kid's show.

I'm a constant spiral
of negative thoughts

and I have insomnia.

- I have insomnia, too.

Yeah, but you're hungry.

I have a loss of appetite.

If anybody needs
professional help, it's me.

- Can you please stop humming
that stupid song?

- What was I humming?

- John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

- Oh, weird.

I didn't even realize.

My mom used to sing that to me
when I was a kid.

- Why are you doing the dishes anyway?
It's my night.

- Because you hate doing them.

- Yeah, but now I owe you a favor.

- You don't owe me anything, babes.

Just your sweet love.

- What does that mean, that I owe you sex?

That is so manipulative.

- Uh-oh, sounds like you wanna fight.

- Can you stop it with the finger g*n?

Just put them in your pockets!

- I'm sorry, I'm not trying to annoy you.

I know you're not,

but I'm just being honest
about how I feel.

I'm sure there's lots of things
I do that annoy you.

You just never say anything.

- Nothing about you annoys me, baby cakes.

- There has to be something.

Please, just tell me one thing

that annoys you about me.

- Okay.

Fine.

You know how some people
get that white gunk

that forms in the corner of their mouths
when they talk?

- Yeah.

- Well...

you're one of those people.

But you don't have it right now,

but sometimes you do

and I'm just starting to worry
you're not getting enough water.

God, that feels so good
to get off my chest, thank you.

- Hold on, I just,

I wanna make sure I understand
what you're talking about.

Just give me one second.

- White gunk like this?
Is this what it looks like?

- Not really.

- I've been walking around
with white gunk on my face

and you're just telling me now?

- I'm sorry.
- What else do you hate about me?

- Nothing!
- Do you hate it when I do this?

- Yeah?

- Good. See?

How hard was that?

- I think maybe we should talk to someone.

Hello, how can I help you?

- Hi, uh, I'd like to make
a therapy appointment.

Okay, what's the reason?

- Oh, I don't know.

I guess I just got to the point

where I really feel like
I need to talk to someone.

Well, I can get you
an appointment later this week.

I just need your
health insurance information.

- Oh, uh, actually
I don't have health insurance.

Hello?

I'm sorry, sir,

we're fully booked for the next few years.

- Wait, how is that possible?

We don't foresee parents

not messing up their kids anytime soon.

Who the f*ck are these people?

Hi, I'd like to make
a therapy appointment.

Sir, you sound broke.

- I guess I just reached the point where--

I guess I just reached the point
where I feel like I really--

I feel like I really
need to talk to someone.

Nice try, Sandy.

f*ck you.

Hey, I'd like to make
a therapy appointment.

I'd like to make an appointment.

I'd like to make a therapy appointment.

I just need
your health insurance information.

- Actually, I don't have insurance.
Actually, I don't have insurance.

I don't have health insurance.
Hello?

Hello?

We're a sliding scale.

You pay what you can,
no insurance, no problem.

We're here for you, Julio.

- Oh, sh*t, for real?
I'd like to make an appointment.

Great, our first
available session is in six months.

How does that sound?

- f*ck it, I'll take it.
That's great.

We'll contact you
if anything opens up sooner.

To be honest,
a lot of the guys I've dated in the past

were depressed losers,
but Julio's different.

He wants to build a future together

and he's never been mean to me ever.

He makes me feel safe.

But sometimes
he annoys the hell out of me

and I feel like
we can't resolve our issues

because he's always
running away from fights

which pisses me off even more

but I know I probably shouldn't
even be pissed off in the first place.

- Tell me about the sex.

- I'll take this one.

So, I'm a planner.

Maggie's all about spontaneity.

Sometimes she does stuff
and I'm just like, "Whoa."

But I like how she forces me
outta my comfort zone.

In my wildest dreams, I never imagined

that I'd be a member of the Mile High club

but there we were,
consummating our marriage

in a tiny bathroom
on the way back from Vegas.

But since then, things have
really "cooled down in the sack."

- Yeah, because he wants Google Calendar
to know every time we have sex.

- Well, the good news is
the problems you're dealing with

are very common
amongst young married couples.

You're starting a family together,

yet you each come from different families.

I've had the pleasure of knowing
the También familia for many years.

Wonderful familia, rooted in the faith.

But I'm interested
in knowing more about you, Maggie.

Why don't you tell me about your familia?

- Fine.

You wanna know about my familia?

My mom is a hoarder.

My dad is a drunk.

They fight all the time
and we never went to church.

And for the record,
I didn't want to talk to a priest.

I see.

Sounds like there was
a lot of, uh, anger in your familia.

Must have been tough.

But I wonder if when
you're annoyed at Julio,

you're really just angry at your parents.

- Oh, sure. Yeah.

Blame me for everything.

But the truth is Julio has his sh*t, too.

He's repressed.
He doesn't even f*cking curse.

And he's always humming
the same stupid song

then he claims
he doesn't even know he's doing it

like he's got
a f*cking tumor in his brain.

Hmm.

What song is that?

John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

- How does that go again?

- Hey, Ashley.

- Jason?

What are you doing here?

We agreed to not be friends.

- I was just sort of wondering

if we could maybe
un-agree to not be friends?

Aw.

- I don't want to be your friend, Jason.

Aw.

I want to be your girlfriend.

- But what about my best friend Lason

who you're already dating?

I dumped his butt this morning.

Sure, he knows all the presidents

but he doesn't know
any of the names of the First Ladies.

- Of course, they got back together.

The show is called Ashley and Jason.

Does this mean
you'll go to the dance with me, Ashley?

- That depends, Jason.

What's George Washington's wife's name?

- You mean Martha?

- Oh, Jason.

You're still the same man...
- God.

- ...I fell in love with in kindergarten.

- You're right, Julio, the show's stupid.

I'm gonna stop watching it.

- Maybe it's just this episode
you don't like.

You love Ashley and Jason.

- Not anymore.

- Well, I like it,
so I'm gonna keep watching.

- Fine, watch it then,
it just means you're stupid.

- Hey, don't talk to me like that.

You know what? Go to your room.

- I was going there already anyways.

God.

...get back together,

you need to name
the other 44 First Ladies.

- No sweat.

Abigail Adams, Eleanor Roosevelt,
Nancy Reagan.

- Are you f*cking happy now?

- What? She's just developing
better taste in TV.

You should be proud of her.

- She's just copying
what she heard you say, idiot.

- It's just a stupid TV show.
It's not a big deal.

- It is a big deal.

I don't want Aurora to be all f*cked up.

- Okay.

I'm sorry.

You're right.

You know what? I took your advice,
I made a therapy appointment.

- It doesn't matter, it's too late.
- What?

- You're already f*cking up my kid.

Me and Aurora don't have time
to wait for you to get better.

- Well, then what do you want from me?

- I guess I don't want anything anymore.

I'm really sorry, but... we're done.

- Seriously, over a dumb TV show?

- Over your depressed a*s
f*cking up my kid.

- Well, f*ck you then,
get your stank a*s outta here.

- This is my place, idiot.

- Oh, yeah, my bad.

I guess I'll get my stank a*s outta here.

- Last but not least,
the great Jill Biden.

- Wait a sec.

- You forgot Abigail Fillmore.

That's it. We're breaking up!

You're just as bad as Lason.

Stupid f*cking show.

- Hey, what's up, fool?

Damn, you alright?

- I think I've hit
a new level of depression.

My heart's not broken anymore.

My heart is now burning.

It honestly feels like it's on fire.

- You know what? I was wrong.

You really are depressed.

You need professional help, playboy.

- You think so?
- Yeah, nothing's wrong with your heart.

It's your broken-a*s brain.

Hey, do you want my therapy appointment?

It's tomorrow,
just say your name is Julio Lopez.

- Alright, thank you.

Hey, you want some pizza?

- Nah, I'm not hungry.

- Hey.

I'm doing the dishes tonight.

- Okay.

I won't fight you.

Hey, we got a Labor Day card from my mom.

"To my wonderful mijo."

"Every Labor Day,
I think of the labor

"I went through
to give birth to you.

"It wasn't any labor at all,
it was all love.

"Happy Labor Day, my perfect son.

"X-o-x-o-x-o-x-o.

"And love to
my perfect daughter-in-law Maggie.

X-o-x-o."

- Aw.

That is so sweet.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

- Whoa, what are you doing?

You know all of Mombien También's
cards go on the fridge.

- You're a f*cking hoarder.

- What?
- Look at our fridge.

One advantage of having f*cked-up parents

is that you recognize
signs of mental illness.

There is something going on
with these cards.

If we had gone to a real therapist
instead of some old-a*s priest,

maybe they'd get to the bottom
of what's wrong with you

and your f*cked-up mom.

- Hey, nobody talks about
Mombien También that way.

- Mombien También

is a c**t.

- You shouldn't have said that.

- Then do something about it.

Call me a c**t.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- I'm your wife,
shouldn't you honor my requests?

It's in the Bible, right?

- I think this would be best discussed
with Father Leo.

- You're so repressed,
you can't even f*cking curse.

- Oh, I can too freaking curse.

- Prove it then. Call me a c**t.

- No, that word is offensive to women.

- Quit being a p*ssy and call me a c**t!

Fine. You know what?

It's not your fault
you can't call me a c**t.

It's your c**t mom's fault.

And probably your c**t dad's fault, too.

- My parents are not c**ts.

You're the only c**t here, you... c**t!

Take this, my c**t wife.

- That... was... wild!

I love you so f*cking much.

Even if you are a c**t.

Hey, babe.

Give me a drag of that cig.
- Uh-oh.

I've created a bad boy.

Don't tell Mombien También
unless it's national smoking day.

Then she'll send you
a f*cking card telling you

how proud she is.

- That stupid b*tch Mombien También
never let me do anything fun.

- Mm-mmm.

- No smoking, no cursing

and definitely no jumping on the bed.

She always told me to be extra careful.

f*ck being careful!

Hey, you know what?

f*ck my big dumb c**t mom!

- Are you okay?

- Look what you did!

You f*cking temptress!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You're just like Eve, the original c**t.