02x10 - Two F*ckin' Losers

[bunniefuu]

- Dawg, Ruby was a 10... out of 100.

Everybody thought she was ugly.
The f*ck?

You can't be talking about how Ruby's ugly

when you have the face
of an elephant's foot.

- Just because I'm ugly doesn't mean
I don't know what ugly looks like.

I have eyes.

Also, she stunk.

- You two are f*ck' losers
and you deserve to be alone.

- You still emo about your lady?

- Everything reminds me of her, dawg.

- Then take a trip, b*tch.

You know there's women
all over the world, right?

- Maybe I do need to get outta here.

- Yeah. sh*t, my man
needs some foreign p*ssy.

Yo, Julio, tell Luis
where he should go on his voyage.

- You wanna get your heart broken?

You can do that right here in LA.

- Damn, Julio.

Don't nobody wanna hear
about your life sorrows.

Man, y'all some emotional-a*s Mexicans.

Luis, spin the globe

and figure out
where you're going on your trip.

Just spin it.

- Romania?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's still spinning, look.

Boom!

- Paris?

Hell, yeah.

- Ooh, la-la!

I heard them women down there
don't shave nothin'!

If you into that kinda sh*t.

- Well, we're about to find out.

But, damn, I still gotta
get my record expunged.

- Hey, check this out.

They got a new coffee shop
in the neighborhood.

They employ ex-felons, too.

Pretty cool, huh?
Let me see that.

Where'd you get this?
- They're on the cars outside.

Damn, what the f*ck?

- These fools are jacking our style.

- We gotta go talk to these m*therf*ckers.

This sh*t cannot stand.

Percy, get some muffins.

- f*ck, yeah, let's roll.

- Hey, y'all go ahead without me.

I got some sh*t I gotta take care of.

- I can watch the place for you,
you know, while you're gone.

- Keep dreaming, Jorge.

This place would burn down if you ran it.

Carlos, you're in charge.

- Oh, okay, yeah, no problem.

- Yo, we just ran outta creamer...

...you know where we keep the extra?

Creamers?

Creamers. Creamer goes in coffee,
coffees go in the computers,

computers go to the Internet.

Internet, we need Internet.
No, we need coffee!

No, creamer.
I'm not r*cist for creamers.

Creamers!
- Carlos!

- So, like, what's the plan here?

- Just gonna talk to them.

- Okay, we gonna, we gonna
talk to 'em or we gonna talk to 'em?

- We're gonna talk to them.

Alright, alright, we gonna talk to 'em.

- It's f*ck' nice in here.
- m*therf*ckers.

We need to talk to your manager.

- Sure, give me a second
and I'll go get him.

- So, what you got here?

Scones?

- Those are scones, alright.

- I make muffins.

Fluffy, puffy muffins.

- Not bad for an airy-a*s pastry.

- What?

- I moved on to the scone, though.

- The f*ck?

This sh*t look like
some old-a*s Little Caesar pizza.

- Don't you ever disrespect
my beautiful scones.

- Let me ask you something
about this scone.

Does it float?

- Hell, no, my m*therf*ckers don't float.

My scones, they sink.

Check this out.

- Ugh!

Look at that scone sink.

Mm, like an innocent witch.

I like to give the people
their money's worth.

- Muffins ain't sh*t.

- I'ma--
- Welcome, brothers.

I was told you wanted to speak with me.

- Yeah, uh, we just wanted to drop by

and welcome you to our neighborhood.

Uh, we're just a few blocks from here

and we happen to run a coffee shop

that employs ex-g*ng members and convicts.

What a coinkydink, right?

- Well, it's nice to meet you, friends.

But it sounds like you have
a very different business model.

See, we don't employ ex-gangsters.

We employ hardworking people

who were wrongfully convicted of crimes
they did not commit.

Hence the name, Guilt Free Café.

You know, I'm surprised
you never heard of us.

We've actually been in business
for five years

and this is our third shop.

- So you're telling me
all the guys working here didn't do sh*t?

- I'm telling you, all the guys
working here didn't do sh*t.

I just find it interesting

that all these people here
are supposedly innocent

'cause I'd say
you're pretty f*ck' guilty

of encroaching on our turf.

You Burger King'd us
and then you had the nerve

to advertise right in front of our store.

We found those
on every car in our parking lot.

- You know what?
I, uh, I apologize, this was a mistake.

This will never happen again.

- Come on, you're full of sh*t.

You're trying to take
our f*cking customers.

- Hey, f*ck you, playboy.
- f*ck you, saying "playboy" is my thing.

- Okay, calm down, Julian.

Now listen to me.

We have been pushed around
enough in our lives.

You don't wanna mess with us.

Now leave my shop
before I do something I regret.

- Clean up on aisle b*tch!

Yo, I'ma k*ll you!

- Stop! Chef Worsey, stop.

We're above that.

- Yeah, you like to think that, don't you?

Good luck with that, big guy.

- Easy, easy.

- So then my lady ended sh*t,
which f*cked me up.

So now I just wanna get away.

You know, I got the travel bug.

So I was trying to figure out
how I can go somewhere

with my record being
all f*cked up and whatnot.

That's when I started wondering, like,

"Hey, like, who do you know
that works in law?"

That's when I remembered you.

But I know you're not,
like, a real lawyer,

um, you're just like a paralegal.

But I thought, "Hey, you know,
maybe she could still help me."

So that's when
I looked you up on LinkedIn.

But turns out I needed an account.

So I go to set up a password,

but it said the password
wasn't strong enough.

So then it gives me a suggested password.

But I'm like, "How the f*ck
am I supposed to remember all this?"

It was like Z-Y,
um, like, four sevens in a row

and then, um, dash, a little T--
Luis!

Get to the point. What do you want?

- So basically I'm here to see
how I can get my record expunged.

And I brought you a muffin.

Banana nut.

- I can help you
get your paperwork started,

but this sh*t could take up to a year.

There are some places you can travel to

without having
your record expunged, though.

- Like Paris?

- No f*ck' chance you're going to Paris.

But I'll print you a list
of some countries you can go to.

Alright.

Thanks, Maggie.

Hey, I really appreciate it, alright?

Hey, and congrats
on getting married, by the way.

Kinda f*cked up I wasn't invited,

but, anyway, how's that sh*t going?

- You doing alright, buddy?

- We're f*cked.

The f*ck' place
is better than us in every way.

sh*t, man, I bet
their f*cking coffee's good, too.

We're gonna have to shut down,
just like Hugs Not th*gs.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't lose hope.

We'll get through this.

We're due for some good luck.

- Yeah, right. Yeah.

- I'm gonna go for a run.
I'll see you later.

- Yeah.

- 'Sup, Payne.
'Sup, Luis?

- Hey, Julio.

Guess who I saw today?

Ha, I knew she was gonna get divorced.

- And she asked about you.

- Oh, sh*t, for real?
What did she say?

- Uh, she said,
"How's your dumbass cousin doing?"

- And then what did you say?

- Then I said, um,
"Oh, you know, being a dumbass."

- And then what did she say?

- Oh, she was like,
"This muffin's pretty good for a muffin."

- Mm-hmm.
"Do you guys serve it at the café?"

- Uh-huh.
And I was like, "Yeah."

And then--

Argh!

No, then she was like...

- Mm-hmm.
..."Oh, hold on, Luis,

I'm about to sneeze."

- Okay.
- And then she almost sneezed...

...uh, but then she didn't.

- How'd she look?

- Uh, like Maggie.

But like f*cked up and sad though.

- Hey, that's what you get
when you marry bootleg Julio.

Why'd you go see her anyways?

- She's helping me get my sh*t expunged.

I'm gonna go to Paris.

- For real?
Eventually.

But for now,
I decided I'm gonna go to Cambodia.

'Cause they don't give a f*ck
if you got a record there.

Plus, that's where
they filmed Tomb Raider.

- Yeah.

- So I'ma be out there
like Lara Croft, you know,

going through the jungle and sh*t,
blasting fools.

f*cking raiding tombs.

- Hey, Officer Hernandez.

- What's up?

- Can we talk?

- Nah, I'm good.

- Okay. I understand.

- Nah, wait, hey, come on,
I'm just f*ck' around.

Of course, I wanna talk to your a*s.

How you been?
You know, been alright.

Handling my sh*t, you know?

Good. I know it's been a minute.

I just wanted to see
that we're good.

I don't know. Weird.

I just thought you were acting real crazy.

I was acting crazy?
Yeah.

You're the one that f*ck' disappeared

after I confessed my feeling to you.

Why do you think that is?

What do you mean,
why do you think that is?

You were-- You were a little delusional

and I had to leave to make a point.

I was delusional?
Yeah, you were.

You're the one that f*ck'
bounced on me. Who the f*ck does that?

What f*ck' kinda
psycho-a*s person does that?

Somebody that's smart.

After we had already been kickin' it.

The whole thing was a disaster.

I got into it
way too f*cking fast, poor guy.

I'm never f*cking another Julio again.

- Well, sounds like it was your fault

and you're completely to blame
for everything that happened.

- Ha, ha.

So what happened
to that MILF you were dating?

- f*ck' dumped her a*s.

- Mm!

- Well, technically she broke up with me.

Damn. I lost my daughter.

- You were a shitty dad anyway.

- At least I didn't marry
my f*ck' rebound, dumbass.

- f*ck you.

Don't. Stop, stop.

- Hey, we should get back together.

- Are you serious?
Yeah, why not?

You're divorced, I'm single.

It's a sign.

- Jesus, Julio.

That's good. Good one.

No, I'm serious.

You remember Ice Road Truckers?

I've been watching that sh*t a lot lately.

There's this one part
where they talk about how the crows

find these trucks to fly next to

so they can survive
and stay warm during the winter.

It's f*ck' beautiful.

These crows are soaring
next to these truck drivers

across the f*ck' tundra.

You and me, we're like
the crow and the truck.

We always seem to find each other.

- Nah, that analogy's f*ck' stupid.

The crow thinks the truck
is keeping it warm and safe

but the whole time
it's breathing in carbon monoxide.

The truck is k*lling the crow.

- Yeah, but--

Yeah.

- I was pissed at you
for a long f*ck' time.

But you know what?

You were actually right.

We only did this sh*t
because it was convenient.

- Yeah, you're right.

- I gotta be alone for a while.

Get my sh*t together.

Maybe move into a cabin in the woods,
write a manifesto.

sh*t, I might even get bangs again.

- Staying friends sounds stupid, right?

- Very f*cking stupid.

Nothing annoys me more

than couples that break up
and stay friends.

- Oh, f*ck those people,
I hope they die alone.

- Right? Why don't you
just f*ck' hate each other

like normal, mature people?

- To us.

Two f*ck' losers
who deserve to be alone.

- May I never see your stupid face again.

And then, trip out,

Maggie showed up
after you went out for your run

and she wanted to get back with me.

- Yeah? What'd you say?

- I said, look, that's really sweet

but you're caught up
in a moment of weakness right now.

At first, she didn't get it,
but then I explained it to her logically

and then she got it.

- That's good, you don't need
a woman right now, you got me.

Plus, you're a young mogul.
We need to focus on the café.

We're gonna run those
Guilt Free f*ck out of business.

Holy sh*t.

What the f*ck?

- What the f*ck happened here?
- It wasn't me.

- What the f*ck?

That's a human masa on the floor.

Who did this human masa?

- We all know who did this.

This is a classic case of he who is
without sin casting the first stone.

Uh, just yesterday, we brought
some of our delicious muffins

over to the Guilt Free Café,
uh, to welcome them to the neighborhood.

We wanted to see
how we could work together

to benefit our community,

but it became clear
they see us as the enemy,

even though we were here first.

They threw us out of their store,
they threatened us,

and then 24 hours later, this happened.

Get a shot of that.

Zoom in.

The world needs to know
what happened here.

This is what they do to you
when you're a good person.

Someone takes a literal on you.

Julio, how's that fundraiser page coming?

What do you think of this title?

It's gonna be okay,
Carlos, it's gonna be okay.

"Help Mugs Not th*gs."

Change it to, um,
"Mugs Not th*gs is under attack,"

that'll get more eyes on it.

- I cleaned up the human masa,
so I'm done for the day.

By the way, some fool out there's
asking to talk to the manager.

- You got some nerve showing up here
after what you did to us.

- You better not think about taking
another dump on our floor, you sick f*ck.

- Earlier today,
I was questioned by the police.

They had no problem
coming into my coffee shop

and making a scene
in front of the customers,

because you guys accused us
of a crime we didn't commit.

- f*ck you and the innocent horse
you rode in on.

- Where were you last night?

- Hold on, uh, let me understand this.

Are you actually implying

that I broke into my own coffee shop,

smashed it all up,
dropped a deuce on the f*ck' floor,

and then blamed it on you?

- Yeah.

- Well, guess what?

There's a f*ck' hole
in your little theory.

I got an airtight alibi
'cause I was with Julio all night.

I did not step one foot out of our garage.

I'm gonna go for a run.
I'll see you later.

- Later.

Right, Julio?

- Yeah. That's right.

- See?

- I thought maybe it was just you

but now I realize,
you guys are in it together.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Oh, f*ck you.

We know the real reason you're here.

You came to f*ck us up.

So, drop the innocent act
and take a f*ck' swing, my friend.

- I renounced violence years ago.

- Nah, you just don't have the ba*ls
to commit a crime,

you f*ck' p*ssy.

JULIO;
f*ck' as*h*le!

Oh, sh*t, sorry.

- I'm sorry, it was a reflex.

But now that the seal is broken--

Double jeopardy, b*tch.

- f*ck.

- Jesus.

You really f*cked sh*t up.

- I think I'm gonna
get outta town for a while,

go back to New York.

Go visit my son.

- The f*ck, you have a son?

- Yeah, he's in his 20 now, I think.

Might even be 30, Jesus, I don't know.

I left him and his mother
when he was just a kid.

At the time, I convinced myself
I was doing them a favor.

I guess I don't know what favors are.

f*ck, man.

This whole time I thought
you didn't go back to New York

because you were in the mob or some sh*t.

- Not all Italians are in the mob, Julio.

- Hey, Chief, uh, sorry to bother you.

Hey, I came to pick up my check.

- Jorge, get the f*ck outta here!

- Hey, f*ck you!

You don't f*ck' talk to me like that.

I'm a good person,
I don't deserve to be treated this way.

Now f*ck' apologize to me

before I beat
the living dog sh*t out of you... Chief.

- I'm really sorry, Jorge, I'm sorry.

- That's right, you're f*ck' sorry.

Now I'ma go home,
I'll come back for my check tomorrow.

Don't make me catch a case, Chief.

- Hey, uh, do you think
I can get a ride home?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

I can't believe
you took a sh*t on the floor.

- I did it for you.

He was a good roommate though.

Yeah.

He was always jerking off in here.

- Yeah. So was I.

- Yeah, so was I.

- Payne's lucky though.

I hope in 20 years,
I find out I have a son

and I have to go visit that fool

and beg for forgiveness and sh*t.

Since Ruby doesn't wanna have any kids,

it's... all I can hope for.

- When you fools leave for Cambodia?

- In a week, but just by myself.

Yeah, Ruby can't take
any more time off work.

But she said to go and experience it,

that, you know,
it'd be good for my soul and sh*t.

- I'll keep sh*t going at the café
while you're gone.

- Thanks, my boy.

Alright, I'm gonna take a shower.

Hey, but you know what?

I haven't forgot about
all that f*cked-up sh*t you said

about Ruby being ugly.

I took a good-a*s look at her
and she's a hard eight.

Also, I smelled her.

She smells f*ck' good, homey.

I think you were
just gasoline-lighting me.

I'm sorry.

I'ma be honest with you.

Ruby, she's fine as f*ck.

I'd definitely hit that.

- What the f*ck?

Don't be saying sh*t like that
about my lady.

f*ck' idiot.
Go take a shower.

- That crazy big, big m*therf*cker Payne
getting us on the news

done bought us a bunch of new customers.

sh*t's looking up.

- Hey, Jorge.

I got an appointment later today.

I'm thinking you could be
in charge while I'm gone.

- Got it, Chief.
Yes!

So tell me, Julio,

why do you think it bothers you
so much that Jorge is happy?

Excuse me. Your drink, sir.

- Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your captain speaking,

as we make our ascent
over the Pacific Ocean

flying straight to Cambodia.

We are gonna be experiencing
some turbulence.

Please make sure that your seatbelts
are securely fastened for your safety.