01x02 - The Spelling Bee is Rigged/Dakota's Dad

[bunniefuu]

[birds squawking]

- Okay, kids, as you know,

our spelling bee team

is heading on to regionals!

So let's bring them out

to show our support.

First up is

Dakota.

And Nelson.

- Is Mr. B. okay?

He seems very worked up.

- Give it up for Hector.

And Suzie!

And our team captain

Rahul!

He ain't no tool!

- Rahul's in the house!

- This is for

the spelling bee team?

- Biggest brain on the block,

pre-med out the womb.

- Okay, Rahul.

Quiet down,

I have something I wanna say.

Now, listen, as proud

as I am of you guys,

this year we wanna just have

a little bit more diversity

on the team.

- You can't be serious.

The team couldn't

be more diverse.

- Okay, that is true.

But I'm talking about

intellectual diversity.

I just don't think events

like these should be reserved

just wealthy

and smart families.

- So you want dumb kids

on the spelling bee team?

- No, not like, super dumb.

Just, like, you know,

average dumb.

Like a little sprinkle

of dumbness on a regular kid.

Like Tom dumb.

- "Tom dumb"?

Oh no, leave me out of this.

- Tom, Tom, the path

to all Ivy Leagues schools

starts here.

- I can't imagine

I'm gonna go to college.

- Your school needs you.

They're chanting your name.

- Are they?

No one's chanting at all.

- We want Tom.

- Oh, don't chant, come on.

- We want Tom, we want Tom.

both: We want Tom.

We want Tom.

- Yay!

- Literally the worst chant

I've ever heard.

- Now as our poor

young lungs deflate ♪

I'll admit

I've gotten older ♪

Mellowed out, chatting up

those I used to hate ♪

♪

The feeling that

we're lost will always fade ♪

I present no explanation ♪

Can't expect

our tired patience ♪

To satiate for long ♪

Therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪

[polite applause]

- Welcome to the New Jersey

State Regional Spelling Bee.

- Spelling bee

time to spell.

There's a time to spell

and there's a time

to--to get up there

and spell things.

- Tom.

- Hey, hey, Dakota.

- We got you a gift.

- A gift?

- It's from the whole team.

- That's incredible.

What is it, a weird little pin?

- It's got the image of a lion

ripping the heart

out of a griffin.

And it says

"Death before Dishonor:

I will die for

my team" in Latin.

- That's a little intense, no?

- Relax, man, don't take

it too literally.

- You want me to relax?

- Yeah, we won't punch you

straight in the mouth

if you spell

a word wrong or anything.

- Punch me in the mouth?

Why are you even talking

about stuff like that?

- No, if we lose

because of you,

we're not gonna

m*rder you.

- Why'd you say it like that?

- [laughs]

Of course, we're not gonna

take Tom out back

and beat him with a rusty hoe.

[laughs]

Where would we get a hoe?

- I mean who does that?

m*rder somebody

because

they misspelled a word.

[starting bells ringing]

- And they're off.

- Lou, look at you!

You are looking

good today.

- Not as good

as your mom

with her mouth

wrapped around my hey.

- I told you last time I'm not

crazy about those jokes,

but I'm doing good.

Listen.

Give me $100 on

the Knicks taking points.

And give me $250 on the Yanks

just straight up.

- You got it.

- Hey, I have

Okay, is it between me and you?

- You want to join in with me

and your mom?

- [laughs]

All right, do you guys

do, like, grade school

spelling bee bets

and sh*t like that?

- Of course I do spelling bees.

I mean, those parents

are maniacs.

We get tons of action

on that stuff.

- Oh, I love it!

Give me ten grand

on Shady Oaks

Elementary to lose.

- Ten grand to lose?

That's your school.

- I'm not proud of it,

but there's a ton of duds

this year.

Just big duds.

- Yeah, that's

what your mom said--ooh!

- Does anyone love

when you do that?

What's the best way

I should react to that?

- All right!

Who's ready to see some

little kids spell some sh*t?

Let's see some I before

E except after C, that sh*t.

Let's go!

- All right, Tom,

don't get nervous.

Don't urinate in your pants.

- Tom.

- What's that?

Whose hand is that?

- Look straight ahead.

Don't make eye contact.

Don't turn around.

- Mr. B?

- I'm gonna discreetly stuff

an envelope in your pocket.

I'm not saying

it contains the answers,

but I'm not saying it doesn't.

- What's happening?

I don't wanna cheat, Mr. B.

- Tom, you have

a moral obligation to cheat.

These other kids have worked

hard all year for this.

Rahul's family flew in

from Chennai for this-

- Just for this?

Are they doing

other things while they're here

or is that the whole trip?

- I don't know, Tom,

I didn't ask.

- It's just a long flight.

- For God's sake, son!

This is the regionals.

Nothing is more important.

These kids study

until they vomit.

Now, get out there

and make me proud.

- Do you think it's possible

you take this

a little too seriously?

- Your first word

isaardvark.

- Aardvark.

Easy.

A to the A to the R to the D

to the V to the A

to the R to the K.

Aardvark, b*tches.

- Okay, that whole thing

was very inappropriate.

- I agree, that was too much.

What was that voice I did?

- Okay, our next

competitor is Tom.

- All right, thanks for

having me, everyone.

I'm ready to spell it up.

Throw one at me.

- Tom, your first word

isarmoire.

- Armoire?

- Oh, come on,

not all kids have "armoires."

- Excuse me.

- We have closets

like normal people.

- Ma'am.

- Tom, just spell closet.

- That is not the word.

- Mom, I've got this.

- Yes,

Tom is

one of our best spellers.

- What are you doing?

- Oh, sorry.

- Is your eye okay?

- I was winking.

I'm not a great winker.

- I think it is time for you

to spell the word.

- Oh, God.

- [groans]

- A-R-M-O-I-R-E.

Armoire.

- That is correct!

- Wait, how did he

- As much as it pains me,

Shady Oaks will

advance to the finals.

- All right, Tom!

- Yes! That was fantastic!

- That's my baby son who knows

how to spell armoire!

- There's my principal.

I did it, what a victory.

What a

- Tom, get in here.

Close the door, please.

And shove a towel

under the bottom--

really shove it in there good.

And cover your mouth--

- It's not exactly a high-five-

- Cover your mouth

when you talk, please.

- What's going on.

Are you okay?

- Tom, I know you cheated.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, I just didn't want

to let everyone down.

But hey, we won, right?

- No, Tom, that's the problem.

I gamble on these games.

- Wait, you gamble, what?

- Yes.

And I gambled that we'd lose.

That's why

I placed you on the team.

- I'm not following.

Why?

- Our school budget,

it's a mess.

- Okay.

- So I figured out

I'd add a deadbeat kid

like you

to the team

- Deadbeat?

- And then I'd bet against us,

and then I would win--

- Okay.

- Listen, up.

Then I would take the money

and funnel the winnings

back into the budget.

- Is this the kind of stuff

you do in here all day?

- Tom, I need you to throw

the next match.

- Nah, I think, you know,

that's where I draw the line.

That feels kind of sleazy.

- Tom, you're already cheating!

All I'm asking you to do

is not cheat!

- Well, if you look at it

that way, yeah.

- Yes, that's the way

I want you to look at it.

- So it's either a scheme

or a hoax, is the basic choice.

- Oh, my God,

you could twist and turn

and make anything look wrong.

- This is exhausting.

Talking to you,

it's always exhausting.

- I know,

I'm literally exhausted.

I'm in a bad mood now.

[grill sizzling]

- Oh, this is nice.

Wow, you didn't have to

throw me a barbecue, Mom.

- I did have to throw you

a barbecue,

because I'm so proud

of you, Tom.

My boy is going to

the state spelling bee.

- Glad you're proud, Ma,

glad you're proud.

- What theUncle Bill!

- [laughs]

- I cannot believe

you drove down from Boston!

- I wouldn't miss this

for the world, 'ey?

Yeah!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy.

- Oh, okay.

- Come here, hug your uncle,

you goofy, ugly sonofab*tch.

Come here!

Come here!

- That's a bit much.

it's a bit much.

- Why are you fighting?

- That's a bit--it's a bit mu--

- Listen, hey.

Do me a favor, Tommy.

- All right.

- Spell hot dog.

- Uh-oh, tests!

Okay, okay, let's get into it.

- H-O-T-D-O-G.

- Kid's a friggin' genius.

- There it is.

- Look at you with

the big head, with the words.

All right, now spell bun.

- B-U-N-N.

- Great, right.

- Yes.

- Now spell eat, eat.

- E-A-T.

These are pretty easy words,

Uncle Bill.

- Listen, I gotta ask you--

what's the bathroom

situation here?

I mean, do I go to

the bathroom indoors

or is it anything goes?

- No, no, Uncle Bill, it is not

an anything goes thing.

So we're gonna want you

to go indoors.

- All right, you might

wanna check your driveway.

Tommy, I'm so proud of you.

- Thank you.

- As the two biggest duds

in this family,

we gotta stick together.

You know what I'm saying?

- Well, I don't know if people

lump us together like that.

- Oh, they do, no, they do.

- Yeah, well.

- Listen--

[gulping]

if you ever need help,

I'm here for you, okay?

- I've actually got a pretty

big dilemma on my hands.

Can I share it with you?

- I don't know

what dilemma means.

- I just got a problem.

This whole spelling thing

is a lie.

My coach is making me cheat,

but my principal

wants me to not cheat

and throw the match.

- I'm not known

for my advice

- Okay.

- But here it goes:

play by the rules.

If you're honest, you can hold

your head up high

whether you win or you lose.

- That's great advice,

but I'm not a good speller.

I'm going to lose.

- I-I'll--I'll help, okay?

We'll study all weekend.

I'm here, we'll study.

We'll do flashcards,

we'll do spelling books

- Really?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

We'll learn Latin.

- Learn Latin?

That's great!

We should probably start,

like, right away, right?

- Well, let's dive in tomorrow.

Right now

I'm going to butt chug a beer.

- The word is psittaceous--

of or relating to parrots.

- Hey, judge, are you ready

for Rahul to rock your world?

- I don't have any other choice

but to say yes.

Please spell the word.

- Then peep game.

P-S-I-T-T-A-C-E-O-U-S.

Psittaceous.

S-U-C-K-I-T.

- Excuse me?

- J-U-D-G-E.

Suck it, judge.

[mic thuds]

I am so sorry.

I just get worked up.

I get worked up.

- P-H-A-L-A-E-A-E-N-O-S-I-

- Tom, you're almost up.

Have you reviewed

your secret envelope?

- I don't need

to cheat anymore.

I can win this fair and square.

- No, Tom, you can't.

- I can.

- Your brain is like a small

squirrel's or a ferret's.

- Listen, I've been practicing.

I learned Latin.

- Tom--with whom?

- Just Uncle Bill.

That's all you need to know.

- And what are

your uncle's qualifications?

- I'm not saying

he's an intelligent man, but--

- And what has Uncle Bill

taught you, Tom?

- Listen, Mr. B, I'm sorry;

you steered me wrong.

I'm gonna do this

the honest way.

- Tom!

Oh, my God.

- And when I get

to the Ivy Leagues,

I'm gonna give you a call

from my dorm room

at H-A-V-E-R-D.

- Would that be the university

known as Harvard?

- Different one, diff--I was

talking about a different one.

I spelled it right, trust me.

- Okay, next up,

representing

Shady Oaks Elementary, is Tom.

[polite applause]

- Tommy! Show 'em

what you learned, baby!

- Come on, Tom!

You can do it, baby, come on!

- Yeah, bend this judge over

and show him who's boss!

I agree, that was too much.

There's a line

and I crossed it.

- Welcome, Tom.

I just want to say,

we took your mother's words

to heart last time,

so we're now including simpler

words that all kids would know,

regardless of income

or social status.

So in the spirit of inclusion,

let's begin.

Your word is Tom.

- Tom?

That's a crazy coincidence.

That's almost too easy, no?

Tom like me?

- Tom as in

"the male of a species,

colloquially used to describe

turkeys or domestic cats."

- Wow, I think I've got it.

T-O-

- Tom, shut up!

- What--what's happening?

- It's a trick question, Tommy.

- Trick? What?

- Reach down inside you

and pull out your Latin.

- My Latin?

My Latin

- The derivative suffixes

Carpe diemPro bonoIn

absentiaSpell bibliophile!

- Bibliophile,

B-L-I-B-L-I-P-I-H-I-L.

- Spell heliotrope!

- Heliotrope, H-E-L-I-O-P-R-N-.

- And Latin!

- Latin, L-A-T-I-N.

- Again!

- Again, A-G-A-I-N.

- You did it! You did it!

That's great!

- I think I know how to spell!

What's happening here?

The correct spelling

of the turkey version of Tom

isT

O

H-M.

[buzzer blares]

- We were looking for T-O-M.

- Oh, man.

- Oh, my God.

- Is someone challenging

the spelling?

T-O-H-M.

Latin base, Latin roots.

- Tom, your team is eliminated,

and you owe us $300

for the microphone.

Thank you, everyone, goodnight.

- Well, that was embarrassing.

- That was bad.

- I'm so sorry, Priya Auntie.

- I can't believe

we flew 20 hours for this.

- Hey, everybody, guess what?

I bought pizzas and enough for

everybody to have their own.

- We lost, miserably.

Why are we here?

- We got annihilated.

Look how disappointed

my family is.

- Look, life's not always

about winning.

And I know that sounds crazy,

but sometimes losing,

it literally builds

more character.

And I just,

I want to thank you, Tom.

Thank you for showing these

kids what it's like to lose,

and also what it's like

to just be a loser.

- Okay.

- To hold your head up high,

even though you know

people call you

a loser behind your back.

Even the adults.

- I don't know if they do that.

- It's commendable.

You push forward with

the stench of failure upon you,

and I just respect it.

- All right, you know what,

let's wrap this up.

- Everybody, here's to Tom.

all: To Tom!

- And here's to losing.

- Let's just do--just "to Tom."

all: To losing!

- Being a loser.

- Hey, what's the bathroom

situation here?

- You're not literally peeing

right now, are you?

- I thought it was okay.

[car door closes]

- Hey Tom.

We all miss you in band.

- You miss me?

- Yeah.

- That's literally the nicest

thing anyone's ever said to me.

- That's the nicest?

- It's top three.

- That's so sad--you know what?

- Well

- You should come to

my birthday party this weekend.

- Great, yeah, count me in.

Thank you for the invite.

- Technically, I'm not allowed

to invite you,

but you should come.

- What does that mean?

- 'Cause, you know,

you're more of a secret friend.

- Whoa, that's confusing.

- Secret friend? Why secret?

- My mom said I'm not allowed

to interact with "your kind."

It's not a big deal.

- Sounds like a big deal.

- Here's my solution.

Tell my mom that

you're the caterer's son.

- Caterer's son?

- Yeah.

- I'm confused.

I am invited, or I'm not?

- No, you're definitely not

invited, but I want you there.

- What's the dress code?

Just casual?

- I'd say whatever you think

a caterer's son would wear.

- All right, here goes nothing.

Whoa, nice party.

- Wait, wait.

- Woah, what's happening?

- Tom? Did we invite you?

- Oh, no, I'm not part

of the party.

My dad is the caterer.

- Kevork is your father?

- Kevork is my primary father.

- I thought I heard a rumor

that your dad

was in Myrtle Beach.

- He was.

He's back.

And he started

a Lebanese catering company.

- Are you all Lebanese?

- We're not.

He just thought it was

a fun theme, a fun motif.

Anyway, I'm gonna

let myself in.

All right.

Hey, what up, Dad?

- Oh, my God.

[kids cheering]

- Wow.

I had no idea that

this guy was so much fun!

- Yeah, his name's Tom.

We're in band together.

We were, I mean.

- Hey, you guys wanna

see a backflip?

- Yeah, Tom!

Do it!

- You wanna see a backflip,

Dakota?

- I mean, not as much

as she does.

- Do it, do it right now.

Do it.

- Do it, Tom!

Show us a backflip!

- All right, here--

- Oh, my God.

- [groaning]

What's happening?

- Oh, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

- Who is this guy?

- What's up?

- We have a problem, Tom.

- Problem?

- Some jewelry

has gone missing,

and your father

is the one who took it.

- My father? Kevork?

- He stole.

And now we'd like you

to confront him.

So we don't have

to make a scene here.

- Oh, no, he doesn't like

to be bothered in the kitchen.

- Thomas, when adults

talk to you,

you need to be respectful.

- Bradley, shut up.

We're gonna listen

from the hall,

and if he gets defensive,

we'll come in.

- Oh, no.

- The safe word

is bouillabaisse.

- Bouillabaisse?

How about something easier

like cookie or ham?

- No, we spent a lot on

this party, for Christ's sake.

I wanna have

a very classy safe word.

Now, don't screw it up.

- Oh.

- [muttering]

- Okay, Pops, we need to talk.

- Who are you, and why

are you calling me Pops?

- I'm the son.

- Whose son?

- It's your son, Tom.

- No, no, no, no.

I don't have Tom.

- That's no way to talk

to your main boy.

- Main boy?

I don't even know you.

- He won't even acknowledge him

as his own son.

- It is not right.

- That's what I just said

if you had been listening.

- Listen, if you stole

something, just put it back.

- Wait, wait.

You accusing me of stealing?

- Listen, as a family member,

I'm trying to help.

- You know how you can help?

You can go over there

to that corner over there

and pull your little pants down

and smack your little tush

with a spatula.

- [yelping]

Bouillabaisse!

Ham!

Bouillabaisse, ham!

- This job is beneath me!

You kids are obnoxious.

You know, why don't you

cook your own food, all right?

Your BLT or whatever

you Americans do, your--

- Pops

- Organic soybeans

and oat milk.

- Dad, so you're not

returning the watch?

- I have not taken a watch!

- Wow.

This is not good at all.

- Thanks for nothing, folks.

Keep your filthy money.

- Tom, aren't you leaving

with your father?

- Oh that's right.

Oh, wait, wait up, Pops!

- Suck a donkey's

ding dong, kid.

- Donkey's ding dong what?

- What a monster!

- All right,

I'll see you at home.

- Did your father just leave

without you?

- I think he did.

That's upsetting.

- Tom, come here.

I just feel terrible

for misjudging you

all of these years.

- Thank you.

- I thought you were

a little strange,

but it's not your fault at all.

Because you know what?

You have an a*usive situation

at your home.

- It explains a lot.

- You just need a male

role model in your life

because you don't

really have one.

- No one supports me.

I'm a good guy.

- Oh! Tom should go

on Dad's fishing trip with him!

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, my God,

that's a great idea, Brad.

- No, it's a terrible idea.

- It's a great idea.

- He wouldn't even like that.

What kids like fishing?

- Honestly, it sounds

like the trip of a lifetime.

- You need to bring him along.

- If he gets hurt,

then we're liable.

If--if he kills someone,

we're liable--

- Great, it's decided.

I'm gonna clear it

with Tom's mom.

Plus, Brad, your friends

all teach at his school.

- Can I just say one thing?

- No.

- One thing, I just want to--

- Brad,

I don't wanna hear it.

- [grumbles]

- Hey, Tom.

Tom's mom.

- Hi, Dakota's dad.

Thanks so much

for including Tom!

He's excited.

- It was my wife's idea.

You know,

he doesn't have to go even.

- Oh no, I'm looking

forward to it.

Can't wait.

- Do you have

any questions or concerns?

I mean, there's gonna be

a lot of drinking--

hard alcohol and whatnot.

- No.

- He'll be exposed to

rough language

and open sewage and

- Zero--is there a number

I can reach you at?

- Ooh, unfortunately, there's

no cell service up there.

We'll be completely

off the grid.

- Mm, well

sometimes you gotta

let your kid

off the grid, right, Tom?

- What?

- I don't get the house

to myself a ton,

so I'm excited.

- All right,

it's your child's funeral.

Tom, just get in the car, then,

if you're so hellbent on going.

We're running late, so

- Give yourself

another chance, my darling ♪

Don't be satisfied

with second best ♪

- Tom's in the house.

- Ah, what the sh*t.

- Sorry, guys, Tom's

joining us this year.

- Doesn't this ruin

the whole trip?

- Not the warmest welcome.

- It sucks.

I tried to stop it.

- Anyway,

let's get started here.

I need to just borrow

some fishing equipment,

and boots,

and a hat, and a pole.

- Tom, no one's

doing any fishing.

I mean, this is mostly

about booze and grab-a*s.

- Brad, please!

- Your wife didn't mention

any of that.

- Yeah, well, she's on

a need-to-know basis.

And Tom, on this trip

you can call me "Double D."

- Oh, for "Dakota's Dad"?

- Sure.

It's not because

I like big boobs.

- Big boobs, what does that

have to do with Double D?

- Tom, what you are about

to witness this weekend

stays in the group,

never to be discussed

outside of this inner sanctum

of masculinity.

- I feel like the trip's

taking a weird turn.

- It's called Bro Code,

because guys don't rat on guys.

Now let's make a pact

by urinating in a circle.

- What?

- Oh, no.

- Come on, man.

- No.

- Whip 'em out, guys.

Who's in the mood

for some tunes?

- Yeah, I guess.

- I guess so.

- This is a little song I wrote

called "My Wife

Just Doesn't Get It."

- Here we go.

- My wife ♪

Just doesn't get it ♪

A pain inside my butt, yeah ♪

Her mouth will never shut,

no, no ♪

- Weird subject matter, but--

- He's got nine other songs

about his wife; it's crazy.

- Hey, Tom, I don't want you

to let how you see me here

affect the way you view me

as a principal.

- Oh, no, it's Bro Code.

This all stays here.

- And, look, he's the one

doing all the nasty stuff.

We just come here to relax

and have a few beers.

- Yeah, he seems like he's

working through some issues.

- Come on, T, sing along!

- All right, Brad, please stop.

You're giving me

a headache.

- Oh, whatever.

Eff this thing.

No one appreciates

my music anyway.

[grunts]

- Wow.

- All right, come on,

calm down, it's not the--

- We need to take this party

up a notch, huh?

I refuse to let a certain

someone ruin my big weekend.

- He's talking about me

or his wife?

- Tom, do me a favor, bro.

I need your little feet

to run up there.

Grab me some booze,

Cool Ranch Doritos,

and a couple rubbers.

- Brad, come on.

- He's a big kid.

He knows what's what,

right, T?-

- What are they?

What am I looking for?

- They're like, um, they're

like sweaters for your p*nis.

It does--it really does

get chilly up here.

- All right,

let me go grab 'em.

- Hey, while we wait,

can one of you idiots

jump in the lake

and get my guitar?

I need to go drop a deuce.

- Why are we still friends

with him?

- I don't--you know what,

I think that all the time.

I don't know why.

- Booze, Doritos,

p*nis sweaters.

All right, good to go.

- Um, hello?

Am I in the right place?

I'm looking for DD.

- Oh!

Oh, Dakota's Dad.

He's down by the lake

singing a song about his wife.

- Ugh, figures.

- What are you doing?

Can you stand?

- You're adorable.

- I gotta get back

with the booze, but--oh, no--

Oh, no, don't lay down.

What are you doing?

- I'm just exhausted.

It's just a factory.

It's always, Rhonda, blow this,

Rhonda, yank that.

- Okay, off the couch.

I have to go; I'm busy.

- Twelve dongs a day,

that's too many dongs!

- It sounds

like a very rough job,

but I don't have time to chat.

- Should be three dongs a day.

- Please stop saying dong.

This trip is much filthier

than I was expecting.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey,

look at me.

- Yeah?

- Let's do something wholesome.

- Sounds weird, but what

do you want to do?

- Let's make s'mores.

- That's the first good idea

I've heard.

That sounds great.

- I know!

Let's divvy up the work.

You make the s'mores

and get the fire going.

I'm just gonna crash

on the couch.

- That's divvying up,

or that's me doing it all?

- [snoring]

- This one is called

"Why Does My Wife Insist on

Belittling Me in Public?"

- You need to work on a couple

of these song titles.

- Why ♪

Does my wife ♪

Insist on belittling me ♪

In front of our friends ♪

- How many times are you

gonna say "wife" in a song?

- She's not singing songs

about him, I guarantee it.

- In a public place,

I'm a big disgrace ♪

[indistinct chatter

on television]

- Rhonda, the fire's

not starting.

Rhonda, can you wake up?

The lighter fluid says

keep away from children.

Can you just give it

a quick squirt?

- [snoring]

- I have to do everything

on this trip.

Oh, no!

Oh, no.

Rhonda, please.

Flames.

Come on, for God's sake.

How tired can you possibly be?

Don't panic, Tom.

How do you work this thing?

[line trilling]

- Brad?

- Oh, 911?

- I thought cell phones

didn't work up there.

- Dakota's mom?

- Tom?

- The cabin's kind of on fire.

- Thomas, what are

you talking about?

- The lady friend's purse

is on fire.

- Oh, my God, Thomas,

slow down.

Where are you?

- I can't tell you where I am.

- Where's my husband?

- Unfortunately,

I can't divulge that.

- What does that even mean?

- It's a code.

We pissed in a circle.

- What?

- Oh, my God,

we're going to burn down.

I've already said too much.

- I'm getting in the car.

I'll be there in 40 minutes.

- Don't come.

- Oh, my God,

I can't find my car keys.

- Goodbye.

Rhonda, no job

is that exhausting.

[siren whoops]

- Okay, folks, fire's out.

Looks like it started

in the fireplace,

then some pervert for

some reason had a shitload

of rubbers in the pantry.

Those lit up like tinder.

You know, those are good

for f*cking, bad for fires.

Just a little fire tip

there for you.

Okay, you folks be safe now.

- All right, I want the truth.

What exactly happened here?

- You know, just hanging out.

Fishing.

- Yeah, I caught a bass.

- Oh, my God,

you guys are useless.

Tom.

- Me?

- I need to know

what exactly happened.

- Uh, well, from what I know

the guys were fishing

and singing some fun songs.

- Yeah?

- And Rhonda took a nap--

- Who the hell is Rhonda?

- She's with my dad's

catering company.

- What's up?

- She's in charge of the meat.

Is that a job

at a catering company?

- You know what?

I'm tired of this.

Tom, you're back on my list.

- Back on the list?

No.

- And, Bradley,

you're driving yourself home.

[pop music on radio]

- Hey, I'm proud of you, Tom.

- Thank you, Double D.

- Being a man isn't

about fishing or camaraderie.

It's about lying.

And you seem like a natural.

- Thank you, Double D.

- When you're old enough,

you should join us on the trip.

- I think I got my fill.

- I'm with Tom.

I'll just go ahead

and pass too.

You can count me out.

- Yeah, we've been meaning

to say something for,

like, ten years now.

We--we really don't

like you, Brad.

- Wow.

That's a lot to take in.

Reminds me of a song

I've been working on actually.

- Oh, sh--

- [groans]

- My friends,

they all are pussies ♪

And they don't know

how to party ♪

Yeah, they don't know ♪

- This is the worst one yet.

I don't want to be

in one of his songs.

- At least his wife

ain't in it.

- My friends,

they all are pussies ♪

No, they can't keep up

with me ♪

No, they can't

keep up with me ♪

Such a damn tragedy ♪

- I should really go home

or check-in or something.

This is really pushing

the limits.

♪

- Remember

there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember

there's a lot of good omens ♪

Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life

is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke

and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be

always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's

one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪