01x03 - A Yearbook to Disremember/Trust Me, I'm a Nurse

[bunniefuu]

- Mom, I don't know

about this hairstyle.

- Tom, it looks so good.

I cannot ease up at this point.

- I just question the blazer!

I question

the blazer/side part combo.

- This is class picture day.

This is a big deal.

I need how you look

in these pictures

to be a reflection of me.

[car horn honking]

- You're holding up

the drop-off line.

- I'm combing my child's hair.

This is a tender moment,

a-hole.

- You're making your son

look like an idiot.

- Um, he looks adorable.

Like a young

Timothée Chalamet, so

- Show of hands!

Who thinks this kid

looks like a young

Timothée Chalamet?

- Uh

- I can kind of see it.

- Thank you.

We've got a consensus here.

[horn honking]

Ma, we really

gotta wrap this up.

- Okay, What are you gonna do

when you get in there?

- Sit up straight

and say "cheese."

- I love you, buddy.

This is our life

on the line here, I love you.

- I think you're

expecting a lot from

this hair and blazer combo.

[horn honking]

- Now as our poor

young lungs deflate ♪

I'll admit

I've gotten older ♪

Mellowed out, chatting up

those I used to hate ♪

♪

The feeling that

we're lost will always fade ♪

I present no explanation ♪

Can't expect

our tired patience ♪

To satiate for long ♪

Therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪

- Okay.

Right out of the gate,

let's lose the hairdo

and the blazer.

- Oh, no. My mom just spent

like a half hour on that.

- Oh, did your mom ask me if--

if that was time well spent?

- I don't know, I'm not--

I'm not privy to that.

Hey, what are you doing?

- I saw your yearbook

last year.

It was meh.

It was meh.

- The yearbook was meh?

- Look, we're doing things

a little different this year.

Okay, just--

give me a silly face.

Stick your tongue out.

- My mom explicitly said,

sit up straight

and say "cheese."

- I don't do "cheese" here.

- You don't do "cheese"?

That's the main word.

- Jacob!

[club music plays]

- What's happening right now?

- We're trying

to capture the feeling

of what it is to be a child.

So give me a raspberry.

- Raspberry?

- Yeah.

Give me some raspberries.

- Pfft. That kind of thing?

- Y--oh! That was great.

Do that again.

- Pffft. Pbbbbt.

Oh, God, yeah.

Love it, okay.

- Let's get--

let's get a "cheese" one.

- I don't do "cheese."

- You're out of control

at this point.

- Turn your back to me,

and throw a look

over the shoulder,

like--

like peekaboo.

- I'm begging you right now.

We spent all weekend.

We bought a comb!

- You nailed it.

I think we're good.

- Good!

- Jacob!

I'm taking five minutes!

This kid is a handful!

[footsteps receding]

[door slams]

- How's my favorite grandma?

- Livin' and lovin' the world.

- Can I get you a drink?

- Ah, you're a doll, Tommy.

I'll take a tea with honey.

- A little complex.

Can I get you any--

anything simpler?

- Oh, okay,

just the cortado then.

- Cortado?

You know what, forget I asked.

Forget the beverage.

You don't seem thirsty.

- What the hell?

- Guess what I got?

I got the proofs

for Tom's class pictures!

- Oh, no.

- Oh!

Let's take a look.

- Are people still

looking at pictures these days?

I thought that's kind of

come and gone.

- I know you don't know

what it's like

to be a single mom.

Since your dad left,

I feel like I'm judged,

I feel like I gotta

keep up appearances.

I need this picture to scream

success, prosperity,

and family values.

- This is not good.

- What happened?

- Did they retouch these?

What's going on right now?

- Are you trying to ki--

are you trying to k*ll me?

- It must be

the photographer's fault,

he must of--

- Tom, there's no way

he looked at you and said,

"try to look like

a creep saying peekaboo."

- He literally

said that word for word.

- Tom, you need new pictures

before you come back

in this house.

- I think the kid

is lashing out.

- Grandma, please.

- He ruined his pictures,

and he refuses

to make his grandmother

a simple cortado.

- That is an incredibly complex

drink--you realize that, right?

- It's an espresso

with a drizzle of warm milk,

and it's not that hard, Tom.

- Grandma, would it k*ll you

to run over to Starbucks?

I mean, seriously.

All right,

I shouldn't have said that.

Now I'm lashing out.

[club music plays

in distance]

- Senator, yes!

Get up on the raft!

Oh, my God, yes!

- Sir, these are for

my re-election posters.

- You're gonna love these,

okay?

It says dignity

but not without

a sense of whimsy, okay?

Bounce up and down.

- 'Scuse me?

Hey.

I got a question

about the yearbook pictures.

- Are--are you for real?

- Uh, my mom, uh, and grandma

weren't thrilled with the--

the shots.

They didn't really--

they didn't really care for

the peekaboo and

the raspberries and all that.

So could we just

get a quick redo?

Just grab a quick "cheese" shot

like we talked about?

- That's so interesting.

Hey, everybody!

Everybody, gather around!

- Don't make a big thing of it.

- This little boy's

grandmother wasn't thrilled

with my work and would like

a quick redo.

And I guess my 15 years

as a professional photographer

are just garbage bullshit!

- My mom literally wants

a shot where I'm smiling

and looking at the camera.

- Your mom sounds

like a crazy b*tch, okay?

- What?

- I sh**t for huge magazines.

"New Jersey Living."

You ever heard of that?

- No.

- "Hedge Fancy."

You ever heard of it?

- No.

- "Cat Fancy"?

- Okay.

- The only reason I'm doing

grade school yearbooks

is because I'm nailing

your school nurse.

There.

I said it.

- That's certainly

a lot to take in, uh

no redo is the recap, right?

No redo?

- Show yourself out.

[school bell rings]

- Tom!

- What now?

- Get in my office.

Shut my door.

Sit down.

Shut your mouth.

- Oh, okay.

- We have a problem.

Do you see what's on my wall?

- Looks like

a large, framed photo

of a grown man's rear end.

- Exactly.

It's from the photographer.

It says,

"Kiss my butt, I quit."

- It seems like a odd choice

to hang it up.

- He's a famous photographer.

What am I gonna do?

Not hang it up?

Right, now you realize

how stupid that sounds.

- Yeah,

what was I thinking?

- He quit 'cause of

you and your personality.

And he won't hand over

the media drive.

So guess what.

There's not gonna

be a yearbook.

- Oh, my God.

That's the best news ever.

- What are you talkin' about?

Tom, I want you to

tell the yearbook club--

just, go ahead and

tell them it's been cancelled.

- Me--you want me to tell 'em?

You're the principal.

- Oh, God.

Can I be honest with you?

Like, not an adult to a kid,

but just, like, as a friend?

- That's a little weird,

but okay.

- The yearbook club,

they scare me.

Like they're the adults.

And don't ever tell them that!

[teacher claps]

- Okay, kids.

We need a theme

for the yearbook.

Let's brainstorm.

- Uh, leprechauns!

- Awful, keep thinking.

- Paris in the '20s?

- Insipid. What else?

- Uh, fracking!

- That's actually good.

I like that.

[knock on door]

Thomas?

- Oh, hey.

Uh, listen, just a quick FYI.

I know you guys

are working on the yearbook,

but there's not

gonna be a yearbook.

- What now?

- I asked for a redo,

due to some

hair and blazer issues.

- So you had

hair and blazer issues?

- The photographer

got angry at me, and he quit.

Not a big thing.

Don't dwell on it.

- Tom, you've just

erased an entire year

from everyone's lives!

- That's a little dramatic.

- Without a yearbook,

it's like it never happened.

Bake sale?

Never happened.

Band recital?

Whoo-hoo!

Au revoir!

Soccer league?

- Never happened!

- Thank you, Dakota.

All because Tom didn't like

how his insipid hair

framed his stupid face.

- How are you

still teaching here?

- Yo, Tom, what's up?

Man, I heard

you screwed up the yearbook,

big time!

- You know, I did.

But, hey, my mom

hated the pictures anyway,

so this is

a rare victory for me.

- Finally.

Good to see you

come out on top for once.

- This is like a whole new era.

Era of prosperity

and good times and fun living.

- Holy cow!

Look, it's Tom's face

on the side of that building!

[tires screech]

[Tom reading]

- The era of prosperity

didn't last that long.

- That was ten seconds

on a bus.

- That's the longest run

we ever had, Tom.

We gotta see

what this is about.

Hey, driver!

Can we hop out here?

- Yeah, of course.

Just look both ways

when crossing the freeway.

- All right,

we gotta find this guy.

- Let's go.

- We're looking for

Fedir's Ukrainian Insurance.

Wait, what?

"Dumb donkey-face"?

[electronic trap music]

♪

What is this guy's

advertising budget?

Okay, we got it.

Fedir's.

This is it.

What do you think?

Is this safe?

- Sure,

sounds like there's

a bunch of grown women

in there.

- That's a good point.

If you got grown women

and insurance,

you're pretty safe.

- Yeah, if it was

a bunch of dudes in there,

I would be terrified,

but something

about it is nurturing.

[folk music plays]

- Gentle, gentle.

No, stronger, str--

ye--no, gentle.

Ohh.

- Uh, excuse me.

Are you Fadir?

- Fadir died, was poisoned.

I'm son.

I didn't do it.

- You didn't do it?

- Wait, Wait.

Do I know you?

- Do you know me?

I'm the guy

from the ad campaign.

- Oh, my God!

You're donkey a*s-faced kid!

- No one calls me that,

but I mean--

- My Verizon guy,

my Taco Bell chihuahua!

- Don't get too excited, Fadir.

You need to pull those ads

right now.

You have no rights

to those pictures.

- Ohh.

But I do.

I buy photos legit

from angry photographer.

- Photographer?

I can't believe he did that!

Can you be a nice guy,

just pull them

and, uh, give them back?

- Listen, uh, donkey-face,

I love kids.

But, I am businessman.

I have to feed my children.

And now I see opportunity,

so maybe 500.

- $500?

- Deal.

- Deal?

- Mr. B will pay anything

to save the yearbook, right?

- Oh, that's

actually a really good idea.

- Mind if we step outside

to get the money?

- I need collateral.

What if you walk out and leave?

- Three-ring binder?

You want a three-ring binder?

- Eh, no.

Leave, uh

Okay,

you leave other friend here.

- 'Scuse me--

- Great.

You hang on to Nelson,

I'll go get the money.

[dog barking]

[siren wailing]

So are you on

the insurance side

or the--

the beautiful lady side?

- Oh, you know,

a little of this,

a little of, like,

wee-woo, woo-woo,

hi-hi.

[coughing]

- You know what, we don't

have to make small talk.

[tires screeching]

- Tom!

- Mr. B.

- This is such great news.

I hopped out of the bath

when I heard your message.

Here's 500 in wet singles.

- Uh, one small request?

- Anything.

- Please, use a normal picture

of me in the yearbook,

something my mom will like.

- Of course, Tom.

- Thank you.

- Freeze, you bald, wet,

robe-wearing son of a b*tch!

[g*nshots]

[g*nshots continue]

- Um, Fadir?

Uh, I think we need to go

check outside.

- Oh, no.

If anyone is m*rder*d,

they always know.

- Hey, cue ball, eyes on me!

- What's happening?

- Oh, we've been staking out

this place for weeks.

- Just tons of weird,

pervy behavior going on.

Horses entering,

but not leaving.

- Horses?

- Hot women

giving insurance quotes.

- Hot women?

- Large amounts of baklava

being tossed in the dumpster.

That's as pervy as it gets!

But whatever's

going on with you two,

way weirder.

- What are you intimating?

- You're nude, you're bald,

you're in a robe,

and you got

a hard drive labeled

"pics of little kids"?

Man,

if you're not getting arrested,

I don't know who is.

- All right,

get this scumbag out of here.

- Should have put a shirt on,

if nothing else.

- That might have helped.

Hey,

aren't you the dumb,

donkey-faced kid

from those ads?

- Nah, that's another kid.

- Can we get a selfie?

- Oh, my God.

- Please, here, real qui--

real quick.

No, not like that.

Make the donkey face.

- Make the face?

- Yes.

- How's that?

- Look dumb.

- How's that?

- Dial up the donkey.

- Oh, wow.

Tom!

- You like it?

- You look so handsome

in your yearbook photo.

You look like Bill Gates,

buddy.

- Thank you.

- Aren't you kind of glad

I told you to sit up straight

and say "cheese"?

- It all worked out.

Great picture in the yearbook,

and I learned

how to make a cortado.

- Actually, it sucks.

Pffft.

- This is not

a fun grandma visit.

- Give me a quick peekaboo

over the shoulder.

Give me a little peekaboo

over the shoulder.

- You're talking to me?

- Cook some oatmeal,

put some blueberries on it,

and put it

in front of your children.

- In what sense?

- Now fly-fish for me.

Fly-fish!

- What?

- You're a real handful,

you know that?

[camera lens snapping]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

[whistle blows]

- Okay, g*ng!

It's National

Physical Fitness month!

And last year we were ranked

in the bottom 5th percentile,

which is considered

"lethargic and grossly unfit"!

Now how does this

make y'all feel?

- Meh, I don't care.

- Yeah,

that sounds about right.

- It's fine.

- Come on, everybody!

Let's prove 'em wrong!

Now Tom,

lead us off with some chin-ups.

- You know what, I'd love to,

I'm just not a big chin-up guy.

- Tom, nobody

is a "big chin-up guy."

Get up on this bar.

- I really don't want to do it.

I--I just end up dangling there

and a lot of grunting--

It's really embarrassing.

It's embarrassing

for everyone watching.

- Getonthatbar!

- All right, you know what,

let's just--let me bang out

a quick ten and--

[clears throat]

Here's ten, you ready?

[grunting]

- You got it.

- [grunting]

- Come on.

- Dig deep!

- It's not happening.

- Use those scrawny arms, Tom!

- It's not working.

I told you.

- Pull yourself up!

- You're making it worse.

- Pull yourself up!

- The arms aren't powerful en--

- Tom, pull yourself--

You know what?

I'm gonna just help you.

I'ma give you a little boost.

- Oh, no.

What are you doing?

- Oh, snap!

Look, he got his

hands on his butt!

- That is so not allowed!

- Ugh!

- Everybody just calm down.

This is called spotting.

You need to mind your business.

Hey!

Put the phone down.

This is not what it looks like.

- Uh! Agh!

- Oh, my--

Damn it.

- Oh, wow, look at that.

I got a boo-boo on my knee.

I'm, uh--

can I go to the nurse?

- Did he just say "boo-boo"?

- Is boo-boo the wrong phrase?

- This whole generation

is soft!

- Hey, uh, nurse Denise?

- Yeah?

- I need a quick Band-Aid.

I had a little boo-boo--

little gym slip-up.

- Guess what, Tom.

I don't have any Band-A*DS.

Do you wanna know why?

- I don't know, poor planning?

- Because this school

doesn't give me the budget.

- Oh!

- They value athletics

more than healthcare.

- Can I just get the--

some kind of Band-Aid or gauze?

Do you have any gauze?

- We've got

a broken system, Tom.

And you are gonna help fix it.

You're a warrior now.

- Oh, no.

I don't want to be a warrior.

- All you have to do

is walk back to the gym

and say,

"I can't move my neck."

- I can't say that.

I got full mobility of my neck.

- Okay, well, pretend.

All right?

You ever heard of acting?

This is your chance

to make a difference.

Do it for the children, Tom.

- I am the children.

Children don't typically

do things "for the children."

- Okay.

Do you remember your line?

- Can't move the neck.

- My neck, it's not "the" neck.

- My neck.

- It's yours.

- My neck.

- And stop waving

your head around.

You can't move your neck

while saying

"I can't move my neck."

- All right.

I can't move my neck!

- Yes, but with conviction.

- All right, here we go.

Try this on for size.

I can't move my neck!

- [startled cry]

Get that boy on the ground!

- I'm--I'm okay.

- Tom, don't move.

Are you okay?

- I'm good.

It's not a big thing.

- [yelling] How many fingers

am I holding up?

- You're holding

a cup of coffee.

- Yes, Tom, but I'm holding up

the cup of coffee with fingers.

- Mr. B, I'm handling this!

- You're clearly not, Denise!

- Mr. B, lower your voice.

- Here, Tom,

Let me help you up.

- No, don't lift me up.

Mr. B, please.

- Hey, drop that boy right now.

- Whoa, ow!

- Oh, my God.

- Okay, nobody touch him.

There's liability issues here,

okay?

- You know what?

You can go back--

Go back to your office.

False alarm.

- Okay, listen to what

he said

and ignore it.

- Oh, man.

- Call 911

and tell 'em we've got a child

with a broken neck and

a minor abrasion on his knee.

- And you know, I would have

been able to treat this,

had I been given

the proper equipment.

- All right, bring it down.

Enough with that.

- Okay, son.

Don't move.

I need you to tell me

exactly what happened.

- It was nothing,

let's go back to the gym.

- Son,

when they call the MedEvac,

it's not a nothing situation.

You are typically either dead

or very close to being dead.

- Oh, my God.

- Now give me a detailed

explanation of what's

going on with your neck.

- Yeah, Tom, this is

your chance to speak up.

For the children.

- Uh, all right.

Let's see.

As I remember,

I was banging out

quite a lot of chin-ups.

- What?

- I plummeted to the earth.

And I couldn't move my neck.

And that was basically it.

- So when did you

walk to the nurse?

- Oh, that's right.

So I broke my neck,

and then I strolled over

and chatted with the nurse.

- You were chatting to

the nurse with a broken neck?

How did that happen, Tom?

- I'm very confused,

I'm not gonna lie.

- Uh, he's, uh, foggy.

But you see what

gym class has done to him.

- What happened?

Someone plummeted.

- Ah, yeah,

this guy's talkin' gibberish.

Fire up the chopper, Charlie.

We're takin' this

son of a b*tch to the city.

I mean,

his brain is totally messed up.

It's just turds bouncin' around

in his skull at this point.

Let's go!

[dramatic music]

- Tom?

Tom, can you hear me, bud?

- Yeah, I'm right here.

- All right, good.

You're at the top spinal center

in Manhattan, Tom.

So even if I have

to completely rebuild

your whole neck from scratch,

you're gonna be okay.

- Rebuild?

Oh, no, don't rebuild anything.

- I don't need you to weigh in,

Tom--you're a child, I'm a man.

- But if you want

a second opinion--

- I don't need one--if I did,

I would get another doctor.

- I'm just saying,

don't rebuild anything,

don't slice anything--

- Well, if we have to,

we're gonna slice and dice and

put you right back together.

- Oh, my God.

- Such a brave

little boy you've got, ma'am.

- Oh, thank you.

He's a--he's a trooper.

Unlike his dad,

who's nailin' some sl*t

in Myrtle Beach right now.

- Okay, all right.

Not my business.

- You gotta see his Instagram.

You're gonna puke.

- Uhh, I don't

have time for that.

- They got a dog?

Like, who's gonna

take care of it?

They're constantly nailing

each other in their condo.

- I've gotta go.

- Look at this.

They went to eat

at a Bubba Gump last night.

Look at her.

- Oh, boy, getting a page.

I've gotta run.

- Hang on, I gotta scroll.

- Tom!

Thank God you're alive.

- Hey, Nelson!

Thanks for comin'.

- Look man, we can't lose you.

- That's really nice.

That's really sweet.

- Yeah, I can't make new

friends on the bus, man.

I'm too old for that.

- Kind of a selfish take

on it, but okay.

- What's up, Tommy?

- Hey, Nelson's dad.

- I brought you

a little something here

to cheer you up, man.

- Wait, what's this?

You got me a bunch of papers?

- That's paperwork

for your lawsuit.

I wanna represent you.

- Oh, no,

I'm not lookin' to sue anyone.

- Tom, in law,

this is what we call

a "must sue" situation.

- Hmm.

- Must sue?

- Must sue

- This feels really, uh--

what's the word

I'm lookin' for?

- Privileged?

- No.

- Blessed?

- I was gonna say--

I was gonna say "weaselly."

- Tom!

It's an MSS.

It's a Must Sue Situation.

- I'm not sure

that's a real phrase.

- No, it's a real phrase.

- Right.

- I mean, I know

we're not litigious people.

But if this is

a "must sue" situation,

I feel like

we don't have any choice.

- There you go.

- It's your call, Tom,

but I feel like

we gotta go for this.

- It's my call?

- It's your call.

- All right.

I think we're gonna pass.

- Sounds like we're in.

Where do we sign?

[school bell rings]

- Hi, kids.

This is, uh, your principal.

As you all know,

one of our students almost

died while exercising

last week,

so please

be extra careful out there.

I love you kids

like you're my own,

and you know that, okay?

This announcement's

brought to you by Hooters.

You're not old enough

to enjoy boobs,

but when you are,

you'll come into Hooters.

[knock on door]

- Hey, you wanted to see me?

- Tommy, these headlines,

they're making us

look horrible.

- Yeah, it's getting

a lot of press, isn't it?

- "Rogue Gym Teacher Sued

for Chin-Up Disaster"?

- Yeah.

- "Butt Grabbing

Almost Kills Student"?

- He did grab it.

- "Dumbbell Gym Teacher

up to His Neck

in Chin-Up Debacle"?

- I was told it's

a "must sue" situation,

so you gotta just

go ahead with the suing.

- Listen,

we can't have this go to trial.

So tell your mom

that the school's gonna

be preparing

a settlement offer, and, uh,

here's the number

we were thinking.

- This says "pick up booze

and rubbers for the party."

- Oh, sh*t, that's the wrong--

- What's a rubber?

What's going on here?

- I had it written down on

a little piece of paper,

I don't know what

I did with it, I'm sorry.

- Wanna just tell me?

- It's $1 million,

but I just--

- $1 million dollars?

That's fantastic.

- Yeah, it's a good number,

but I was looking forward

to sliding it over.

That seems to be the fun part.

- $1 million dollars?

[laughing]

- That's what he said.

He said a million.

- Oh, Tom, baby.

We are new people now.

I'm definitely getting

one of those suits you put on

so you can jump off

of high things and fly.

- Oh, like a bungee cord?

- No, I'm talking about

a thing that looks like

a flying squirrel, a wingsuit.

- You know what I'm gonna buy?

- What?

- I'm gonna buy a backpack.

- No need.

I already pulled you

out of school.

- I'm out?

- Yeah.

Rich kids don't go to school.

- I think they go to school,

but hey,

you're the mom here, right?

- Hola,

señoritas and señoritos.

Welcome to Papitos.

- Oh, my God.

Coach, is that you?

- Ohno!

[laughs]

This is really embarrassin'.

I'm not gonna lie.

They fired me.

Said my negligence

could cost the school

a fortune.

- You're gonna be good though.

You landed on your feet.

- You call this on my feet?

- You got a great job

as a busboy.

- This job pays minimum wage,

and I had to sell my car

to make rent.

I walked 3 miles

to work today.

- Good exercise.

National physical fitness

month, right?

- Oh, you're just gonna

throw that in my face, huh?

[gulps]

It's not right.

I do these things in the gym

because I care.

- Aw, that's sweet.

- I didn't win any trophies

as a kid.

No one encouraged me.

So when I push

your kids to succeed,

I do it out of love.

The love I never had.

[cries]

- That's the

most beautiful thing

I've ever heard in my life.

[upbeat mariachi music]

[singing in Spanish]

- Oh, hey.

Hey, guys, not now.

Not a good time, guys.

Not a good time.

- Yeah, guys, swing on back.

This is very inappropriate.

- Really killin' the moment.

- You don't see the emotions

on my face right here?

- You guys should stop

at this point.

At this point it's belligerent.

Sit down, Coach.

- Coach, sit down.

- Oh, you wanna play?

[diners gasping]

- Coach, please.

- You guys wanna play?

- Oh, my God!

No!

Coach, please!

- Eat that guacamole!

- Don't--not the guacamole!

- Don, stop it.

Pack your locker, okay?

I need to let you go.

- Me?

What'd I do?

- You're drunk!

And you're force-feeding

guacamole to

the singer of the band.

Plus you've got

a terrible Mexican accent.

- I--I might have lied on the--

on the résumé.

I'm not really from Mexico.

- You told them

you were from Mexico?

- He wrote Oaxaca

on the résumé.

- [sighs]

Can I at least

keep the sombrero?

- No, you don't get

to keep the sombrero.

[crickets chirping]

- No, no more chin-ups.

No, guacamole!

Must sue!

Must sue, must sue.

Can't move my neck!

Ah--no!

Can't move my neck!

- Buddy, wake up!

Wh--oh.

Oh, hey, Ma.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I think so.

Just having a beautiful dream.

- Aw, that sounds nice.

- You know, I've been thinkin',

maybe we should

pull the plug on this lawsuit.

I--I didn't know the coach

was gonna get fired.

- Bud, a lot of good's

gonna come from this.

Kids will be safer in gym

because of you.

- Let's just give--

let's just give the coach half.

- Tom.

[laughs]

You're a sweet guy.

But half's a little crazy.

- I mean,

at least give him 2/3 or--

- You know that's

more than half right?

- I don't know, 7/8ths?

- Wh--babe, that's even more!

- Who even knows what these

numbers even mean anymore.

I just don't want

the coach to suffer.

He had to sell his car.

I mean, that's crazy.

- You know what?

You just gave me an idea.

Tomorrow,

we're gonna make things right

with one simple, selfless act.

That sound good?

- Sounds amazing.

- I'm proud of you, buddy.

You hurt your neck,

you ate Mexican food,

you did good.

- Settin' the bar kind of low,

but thank you.

- How many times

I gotta tell you,

they don't let me

keep the sombrero.

- Well, what the hell

were you doing

that they wouldn't

let you take the sombrero?

- Why do you always think

I'm doing something?

It's corporate policy!

- 'Cause you know I wanted

to wear that for Taco Tuesday.

- You're always with

your cultural appropriation.

[knock on door]

Y--you don--

- Hey, how's it going, Coach?

- Oh, it's you.

- Sorry to interrupt.

Listen,

we have a surprise for you.

- I think you've done enough,

okay?

- I would love it if

you could just hear Tom out,

because, uh,

he is about to perform

a random act of generosity

that is really gonna

touch your hearts.

- Really?

- That's right.

Coach, this is our way

of saying thank you

for 20 years of teaching.

- This is the key

to a brand new Ford Taurus.

- [gasps]

- There it is.

- Wait, what?

Oh, my gosh.

- [laughs]

Oh, my God.

This is amazing!

- It's all yours.

- Wait a minute.

- Is that bird crap on the car?

- What's that?

- Is it?

Wait a minute.

- Is that bird crap on the car?

- Bird crap, where?

- Right there, right there.

Is that bird crap?

- That is bird crap.

- Did we say new?

Did you say new, Mom?

It's not new.

- No, I di--

if I did say that,

I didn't mean to.

It's actually a 2004.

- A 2004?

- But it's all yours.

- I think we're good.

- I'm sorry, Coach,

but we insist.

We already leased a new Tesla,

so this is yours,

whether you like it or not.

- So you're just unloading

your old-a*s junker onto us?

- No, this is more of like an

Oprah Winfrey type situation.

- Oprah would've washed the

damn bird crap off first, okay?

- No one knows

what Oprah would've done.

- Oprah would've

washed the bird crap!

- All right, thank you

for coming, everybody.

- Listen, I just

want to say before we start,

I like to have a catchphrase

for each trial.

And we're gonna go with,

"If he broke his neck,

you must write check."

- [fake snores]

Wow, that was great.

Listen,

how 'bout a check for $0?

- $0?

What are you talking here?

- Yeah, that sounds low.

That sounds low.

- Oh, well, guess what?

We reviewed Tom's MRI,

and we're a little concerned.

- What could you be

concerned about exactly?

- Yeah, what's going on?

- Sit back,

sand down the aloofness,

and you'll understand.

This is the part

I'm concerned about.

"The neck looks fine.

"No injury whatsoever.

Why is this idiot

in the hospital?"

- The doctor wrote "idiot"?

- He's a

tell-it-like-it-is doctor.

- Sorry. I might've

overstated my injuries.

- Ooh.

- Tom.

- I'm sorry, Mom,

I know how much

you wanted

that flying squirrel suit.

- Yup.

Anyway,

looks like you have to go to

school like a normal poor kid.

- Remember

there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember

there's a lot of good omens ♪

Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life

is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke

and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be

always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's

one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth ♪

♪ We can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow ♪

♪ We can float anywhere ♪