01x09 - Art Class/Problem Moms

[bunniefuu]

- ♪ Now as our poor

young lungs deflate ♪

♪ I'll admit

♪ I've gotten older ♪

♪ Mellowed out, chatting up

those I used to hate ♪

♪

♪ The feeling that

we're lost will always fade ♪

♪ I present no explanations ♪

♪ Can't expect

our tired patience ♪

♪ To satiate for long ♪

♪ Therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow,

we can float anywhere ♪

[bell rings]

- Guys,

can we have an honest talk?

I get it, you're little kids,

and when it comes to art,

you're kind of phoning it in.

But what the eff

am I looking at here?

Nelson,

is that the Statue of Liberty

or Joy Behar

holding a flashlight?

- You know what?

I'll take another pass at it.

- Dakota, does that look

like a banana to you

or a yellow Johnson?

- What's a Johnson?

- I'm--that is not

my responsibility.

And, Tom.

- Hey there.

- Yeah, uh,

if you draw another sunset,

I'm gonna blow my brains out.

- Okay.

- I try to encourage you kids,

but, Tom,

you might be the worst artist

who's ever lived.

- Oh, no, my mom disagrees.

She said I'm like

her little Picasso.

- This is the problem,

these overly supportive

parents.

- She's just saying I'm great.

She's just saying I'm--

- I'm gonna say this to help,

but Picasso had more talent

in his rear end

than you have

in your entire body.

- Nah, his rear end

couldn't even hold a pencil.

- Sure, it could.

- How?

- If he clenched

at the right angle

- That's a stretch.

- His butt could easily

hold a pencil.

- I don't think he could even

see the canvas from that angle.

- Am I really having

this conversation? Ugh!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh-h*-h*-h*. Oh, my God.

- Mrs. Fern?

- What?

- You seem really stressed out.

Are you okay?

- Yeah, here's the deal,

you guys.

Gather round.

The arts program is at risk

of being defunded.

- Oh.

- So I need you kids

to start showing results,

or I could be out of a job.

- We love you, Mrs. Fern.

We're gonna try harder, okay?

- Your assignment

is to draw something

that shows

your school spirit, okay?

Could be a classroom,

a soccer field.

- Can I just bang out

a sunset, or--

- No! No sunsets!

[insects chirping, dog barking]

- Okay, Wendy, Tom's gonna

have fun with his art stuff.

Got a date

with a dentist named Kenny.

He's pretty boring,

but hey, free dinner. [laughs]

- I don't need to know

all that.

- That's fair, Wendy.

Okay, guys, have fun.

- All right,

have fun on the weird date.

- Oh, hey, Tomas.

- I don't go by Tomas.

- How's your art project?

- My art teacher said

if Picasso would put a brush

into his rear end, he could

paint better than I can.

- That's terrible.

Kids should be encouraged

with their creativity.

- No, I shouldn't be.

I'm really bad.

- Let me help. I'm an artist.

Let me just take a look.

Okay, and--

- What are you doing?

- Oh, wow.

- Don't touch it.

Don't touch it.

- Ah, yes.

- Can you stop? No, no, no.

- Oh, wow, now it's popping.

- Please.

- Oh, okay, the muse is here.

- Wait, is this helping,

or are you just doing it?

- The muse is here!

- Where's my mom?

Where's the emergency number?

You really have to put

the art down. I've gotta--

- Tom, artists have assistants

help all the time.

- I'm literally doing nothing.

I'm eating string cheese.

- It's called

a stringed cheese, okay?

You don't nibble on it

like some sort of monster.

Okay, Tom?

- Yeah.

- Now you are done.

[choir vocalizing angelically]

- Oh, my God, that's amazing.

- You did that, Tom. Wow.

- Me? I can't hand that in.

I didn't draw anything.

- We were both here,

and the art happened.

So, like, who's to say

who even did what?

Oh, Tom, please,

don't eat it that way.

- Okay, kids, I'm seeing signs

of improvement,

but this is really not,

uh, "moving the needle."

- Yeah, Nelson,

what am I looking at here?

- You know what? To be honest,

I feel like this piece just--

it's just really

getting away from me.

- Dakota, did my whole

anti-banana speech

not get through to you?

- I'm just not

a creative person.

That's the bottom line.

- Yeah, no kidding.

Wow! Wait a minute.

Is this--Tom, you did this?

- You know, I believe I did.

- Kind of blown away here.

- I think your mean-spirited,

harsh criticism

really, uh, inspired me.

- Class, this is talent.

Compared to Tom, the rest

of you look like idiots.

- I wouldn't say that.

- Tom's read end is a better

artist than some of you.

- Enough with the rear end

comparisons.

Not everyone reacts to that.

- Tom, you are what we call

a prodigy.

- No.

- And you

are gonna save

this arts program.

You are a hero and a legend.

Hey, Principal!

Look at what Tom did!

I'm teaching a genius in here.

- She really needs to find

a middle ground

with her feedback,

don't y'all think?

- First of all,

thank you for coming in.

And, uh, ooh, I hate to ask

this, but who are you?

- He's Kenny.

- He's a dentist I'm dating.

It's not a big deal.

He likes to tag along.

- I'm actually a periodontist,

which deals more

with the gums and bone--

- Yeah, okay.

I mean, he's boring as hell,

but he's very loaded.

Anyway, 'sup?

- I am so excited

about Tom's talent.

- Oh, no.

- I'm being told

he's an art prodigy.

- No, I'm not. No, please.

I literally drew one squirrel.

- Here's the deal.

The superintendent of schools

is threatening to yank our

funding for the arts program.

- What? That's terrible.

- And she calls me an idiot

in front of the kids,

and I don't show it bothers me,

but it really does!

- What a terrible b*tch.

- That's insulting.

- Yes! So I want to use Tom's

art to stick it to her,

you know?

- What?

- So--yeah, show her

that I'm getting results here.

- Sounds like you've got some

personal issues to deal with.

- Listen, Tom--

- Can we leave me out

of whatever weird stuff's

going on here? I just--no?

- Oh, Tom.

- Yeah?

- Look at me.

- Kenny, say something.

- Uh, you know--

- All right,

it's, like, a tiny favor.

- No.

- Just draw me a huge mural

on the gym that covers

- Please.

- The entire rear wall.

- No.

- It's of the school

- Stop.

- And it includes

all the teachers

- It's a nightmare.

- With me on the front steps

looking heroic.

- Kenny!

- If you draw it normal size,

we can just blow it up.

Have fun with it.

- I really think you're

overestimating my talent.

- Principal, is there

any money involved here?

- Go along with this, I'll slip

you a few grand on the side.

- I think we're in.

- Oh, no.

- You know what?

It pays to have

an art prodigy for a son.

- You know, some people say

periodontal work

is an art form.

- Just be cool.

- Kenny, be cool.

- Okay.

- You should chime in

less often.

- Please.

- Sorry.

[birds chirping]

- Hey, uh, babysitter?

- Oh, hi.

Weird, weird, seeing you

in a different context.

Wow, okay, let me get there.

- Can we just kinda talk

one-on-one?

You know,

like, babysitter to baby?

- Mm, I'm working but, uh--

- Real quick, here's the thing.

I think you might have

overencouraged me

with my art.

- Uh-huh.

- Now everyone thinks

I'm, like, a prodigy of sorts.

- Oh, I'm glad I could help.

- No, it's not help.

It's a nightmare.

They've commissioned me

to do a mural,

and I can't do it.

I need you to do it again.

- Okay, Tom,

I get paid for my work.

Last time, I was on the clock.

- You were on the clock

for babysitting.

- Yes, it was a paid job.

- No.

- So if you need me

to draw again,

you're gonna have

to get out your checkbook.

- Can I be honest?

- Sure.

- I kind of see you as, like,

a second mom.

- Tom.

- We're practically family.

- You called me Babysitter

when you came in.

- I call my mom Mom.

I don't call her

whatever her first name is.

- Oh, Tomas, come on, please.

I sat on your couch

for three hours,

put you to bed, and then

smoked weed in your bathroom.

So I think you're

vastly overestimating

how tight we are.

[birds chirping, horn honking]

[door clicks open and shut]

- Oh, this is not good.

This is not good.

Oh, think, Tom, think.

What would

Picasso's rear end do?

What would Picasso's

rear end do?

- Tom, what kind

of entrance is that?

- Did I walk into your house?

I'm sorry.

- Most people say hi or hello.

You're gonna walk into--

- I don't have time for "hi"s.

I don't have time for "hello"s.

I need to create

an epic drawing

filled with detail, texture,

and nuance of the school

by tomorrow.

- So draw it. You the best.

- I'm not the best.

- What?

- I'm the worst.

- What do you mean?

- I'm terrible.

It's all a lie, Nelson.

I'm not a good painter.

- Oh!

- The babysitter drew it

for me.

- You know what?

That makes more sense.

- You thought I was

a good artist.

How long have you known me?

- Sometimes it good

to have hope in people.

- Am I too young to drink?

What do you have here?

- Tom, Tom, stop!

- MARTINI & ROSSI?

What is this?

- Look at yourself!

You're spiraling

out of control, brother.

- Do people drink Schnapps

these days?

Is that still popular?

- Schnapps? Calm down.

I ain't gonna let you

go this low.

I got something for you.

Follow me.

Screaming out, "Picasso,"

that's offensive.

We're a Basquiat household.

Yeah, my dad

is a big art collector.

Feast your eyes.

- Oh, wow, now, that's art.

I feel like I'm in the Louvre.

- Yeah, don't it have

that feeling to it?

- Oh, my--this is amazing.

- If he dies, I get all this.

Is your dad in all of them,

or is he--

- Yeah, man,

and maybe this guy--you know,

he does great work of my dad,

so maybe he could do

this work for you.

- You think this artist

would do my assignment for me?

- Let's take a trip

to the arts district.

- Shady Oaks

has an arts district?

- Yeah, SOAD,

Shady Oaks Arts District.

- Can you ride your bide there?

- Yeah, you just go

over the railroad tracks

- Okay.

- Cut down by the junkyard

- Junkyard.

- Through the prostit*tes.

- prostit*tes, okay.

- Once you make it

through drug dealers row

- We have--okay.

- And go behind the Walgreens

and cut through

the pedophiles' playground

- They've cleaned that up

quite a bit.

- You're at SOAD,

the Shady Oaks Arts District.

- Let's make a trip to SOAD.

[dramatic music]

[bicycle bell rings]

- Oh, wow, this

really is out there, isn't it?

- Yeah, come on.

I need you to keep up.

- Are we still in Shady Oaks?

- Yeah, we're in Shady Oaks.

We're just more on

the shady side of Shady Oaks.

- Yeah, really a lot

of open-air sex acts.

Oh, my God.

- [growls]

- Don't make eye contact.

- Yeah, look down.

- Don't make eye contact.

- Look down.

- Oh, did you see that?

Was that a speed bump or a rat?

- Not much of a district,

is it?

- Yeah, it needs at least

a coffee shop,

if nothing else.

[buzzer blares]

- Hi, are you the nude model

or the Chinese food?

Either way, take off

your clothes and come on up.

- What?

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's Nelson.

- Nelson and Tom.

- My dad's the one

who commissioned a painting

of himself on a horse.

- Say no more.

I smell money from up here.

Buzzing you in.

- Really an odd personality

for an artist.

- Yeah, stay close.

- Hey, guys,

intercom's still on.

I can hear you.

Come on up!

- Hey, we're coming up.

Oh, wow, look at this studio.

- Oh, that's nice.

- What are

you guys looking to buy?

More art for your dad?

- Oh, no, actually,

we're not here to buy anything.

I need a favor.

I need a drawing

of my grade school

- Uh-huh.

- And we were hoping you could

kinda bang it out.

- Yeah, look, look,

my dad would consider it

a personal favor.

- Yeah, kid, look,

I--I hate to break it to you,

but your dad is a pain

in my a*s.

- Whoa.

- All right, I've been working

on his portrait

for over a year.

Look at this.

- Whoa.

- Uh-huh.

- Oh, wow.

- And he keeps asking me,

"More chest hair."

- More chest hair?

- And I refuse to do it.

- It's already a lot.

- I know.

- Oh, please, come on,

the whole Shady Oaks

Art Department

is counting on me.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You go to Shady Oaks?

- Shady Oaks Elementary, yeah.

- Yep.

- SOE!

- SOE.

- My alma mater!

Is--is the principal

still there?

Chubby guy, bad dresser,

real idiot?

- Yep, still here.

- Well, you know what?

I'll do it.

- You'll do it?

- Yes!

- That's amazing.

- Yeah, in fact, you can

pick it up in the morning.

How about that?

And when you hand it to him,

look him in the eye and say,

"Scott from the class of '04

says hi."

- Okay.

- And then make

a creepy grimace

just like this.

Look at me.

Eeeeeeeeh.

You got it?

- Can't just say you said hi

and leave it at that?

- Just look him in the eye,

fellas, will ya?

- Oh, Tom, Tom, we gotta go.

Our bikes are being stolen.

- What? Oh, no.

- This arts district

is only half a block wide,

but it's

a terrible part of town.

- Hello, everybody.

Uh, Madam Superintendent,

we do have

one last piece of art

to share with you

from just our prodigy,

our star student.

Why don't you read a quick

artist's statement, Tom?

- Oh, I don't have

anything prepared.

I let my brushes

do the talking.

- No, you just speak

from the heart.

- All right, let me ask

you folks, what is art?

Is it just something

babysitters do

to pass the time?

I believe art can come

from a child

as easily as it can come

from a grown man's rear end.

- Thank you.

- All right, well,

thank you for listening.

Hope you enjoy it.

It's called "Tom's Dream."

[crowd gasps]

- Oh, sh*t.

- What is this?

- You don't like it?

What's wrong?

- Can someone please tell me

what I am looking at?

- It's just, he's--

he's with the school mascot.

They're--

they just won a soccer game.

- I don't understand

why you would do this,

especially after

all my encouragement.

- This is all my fault.

You know what?

Why don't you keep

the five grand

you were gonna pay me

for the painting?

- Ugh.

- Wait.

- You spent $5,000

of school funds

on a painting of you

being humped by a squirrel?

- He gave us the credit card

and said, "Go big, or go home."

That's how much the guy cares.

- Okay, obviously, he's drunk.

Let me explain.

- Oh, no. I'm leaving.

And guess what.

That mural is gonna become

a permanent installation

in this school

'cause I want it

to act as a reminder

to future generations

as to what a complete jackass

you were.

- I feel like

we should have gone

with Dakota's

yellow Johnson drawings.

- I always thought

they were nice.

Oh, and, Principal,

I almost forgot.

Scott says hi?

Creepy guy?

Class of '04?

No?

[smooth music]

♪

[whistle blows]

- Okay, team, everyone has

scored a goal this season

except for Tom.

So let's try to pass to him.

- Yeah, I'm better than I look,

guys.

Nimble, strong, fast, agile,

the whole--the whole package.

- Oh, please, come on.

Enough with this jibber-jabber

already.

- Like I was saying, we're

here to support each other

and have fun.

- I think you all should know

that my son should be

on the all-star team

and not playing

with these bimbo nimrods.

- Are we nimrods?

What's happening.

- Lady, pipe down.

You can say whatever you want

about these other nimrods

- Let's be supportive.

- But Tom is great

at everything he tires.

- Yeah, I'm pretty solid.

- Your son

is a failed bassoonist,

and he crapped his pants

at Little League.

- Coach, why don't we wrap up

the pep talk?

This is really not--

not pepping us up.

- 'Cause I'm

a powerful woman ♪

Always get what I want ♪

- Ugh, that woman

is so annoying.

She ruins every soccer game.

- I don't wish ill upon people,

but I went to church last week

to pray that she dies.

- [clears throat]

Hi, I know you're talking

about my wife.

- Uh, no! Your wife?

- Your wife is great.

- Love your wife.

- We were talking

about a different wife.

- There's no need to deny it.

I mean, she is a nightmare.

Listen, can I show you guys

something over here?

- Behind the dumpster?

[intriguing music]

- Okay, I know what this is,

Nurse.

This is a dumpster

blow job scenario.

- Wh--

- Absolutely not.

- Okay, forget I said it.

What do you want to talk about?

- Tell me if society

would frown on something

like this

and if this is inappropriate,

but what if we slip her

some kind of sedative?

- Wait, what?

- I mean, is that wrong?

- Yes, it's wrong.

I can't believe

you just said that.

- Nurse, let's hear him out.

- Are you listening

to yourselves?

- I am listening, and I'm

hearing some stuff I like.

What kind of sedative

are you thinking?

- You know, mild.

Mild to heavy.

- No!

- Okay, yeah!

Mild to heavy sedatives.

- No, no, no, no.

- You're the school nurse.

So the whole thing would be

medically supervised.

- I mean--

- A lot of these drugs,

they're basically harmless.

It's like drinking

a glass or two of chardonnay.

- [inhales deeply]

- You gotta save the kids.

- Who else,

if not the school nurse,

will these children look up to

in life?

- You know what?

Count me in.

- All right!

- I feel good about this!

[whistle blows]

- Here we go, guys! Yes!

Good job!

Come on, y'all!

There it is!

There it is!

Whoo!

[laughs]

That's it!

That's what I'm talking about!

That's what

I'm talking about!

Good job.

Come on, y'all!

- Hey, parents, uh-oh.

What's this?

Free hot chocolates.

- What a surprise!

- How unexpected.

- Yeah, help yourselves,

but the cups are

very specifically labeled,

so no swapping.

- Oh, no one's swapping

anything, Brad. Relax.

[suspenseful music,

heartbeat thumping]

[whistle blows]

- All you kids

are gonna have fun.

Let's get Tom the ball.

- Oh, please.

Leave mine here,

'cause I need to go talk

to this jackass coach.

- Oh, no.

- Sure, but keep an eye on it.

I don't want anyone

swapping it.

- Relax, you are such a weirdo.

- Hey, we never formally met.

My name's Tom.

- Shut up.

- Shut up? Okay, that's fine.

All right, let's just get

this over with.

- Look, if I pass it

to you today,

it's because I believe in you.

- Thank you.

- Not because Coach said,

"Pass it to the dud."

- He calls me the dud

behind my back?

- Nah, nobody calls you dud,

but even if they did,

you're still our teammate,

you know,

and we've got your back, so--

- Why even bring it up?

- I'm just saying

there's a possibility

that throughout the game,

people are gonna be like,

"Hey, pass it to the dud."

You know, who cares?

- The dud?

That's not even

a creative nickname.

Come on, guys.

All right,

I'll catch up in a minute.

Free drinks, sweet.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- Hey, Double D, want a drink?

Good energy boost.

- Do not drink it.

I can't stress this enough.

- Your wife is right.

You need to relax. [slurps]

All right,

let's play some soccer.

- Oh, dear God.

[whistle blows]

- All right, guys, yeah!

- [wheezing]

crowd: Aw!

- Ah, I'm exhausted.

- Look alive, man!

You're never gonna score a--

- Nelson, is it

considered acceptable

to take a nap mid-game?

- No.

- No?

- What are you thinking?

- Quick, like, a quick one.

- No, you can't take a nap.

In the middle of the field?

- Five-minute nap.

Please cover for me.

- This is where

the dud nickname comes from.

[whistle blows]

- Man down!

- What is happening?

- Oh, great, that does it.

This kid has got to go.

- No way, lady.

Tom's doing great out there.

- He's sleeping.

- [snoring]

- He's just taking a power nap.

- Now, on the field?

- Come on, my son, Tom,

is great.

- Stop defending your loser.

We want him gone.

- Maybe we want you gone.

Everybody, attention.

Listen up.

What do you say we start

a petition

to have this woman banned

from these games?

- I like that idea.

- You can all shove your

petitions up your assholes!

- Honey, please, don't say

"as*h*le" in front of the kids.

Aah!

- Don't you dare question me

in public.

[crowd gasps]

- Wow!

- Yes, ma'am.

- How long was I asleep?

This all happened

in two minutes?

- All right, everybody,

thank you for coming.

You know I appreciate it.

I know my email said

this is a PTA meeting,

but it's--it's actually

an intervention.

- Thought so.

Gear up, Dakota's mom.

- A petition

has been circulating

to have Dakota's mom banned

from all sporting events.

- Wait a minute.

Is that what this is about?

- This is great!

- Dakota's mom,

in the administration,

you are what we call

a "problem mom."

- Problem mom? I'm--I'm

the only one without a problem.

I'm looking out for my child.

- Well,

it's not just you, okay?

We've identified

three problem parents

in the school:

you, the original one;

Randy's dad, who,

quite frankly, scares me

- I could crack you in half.

- And, of course, Tom's mom.

- Hang on,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm the one who started

the petition.

I coined the phrase

"problem mom."

- Yes! That's exactly

the kind of thing

that a problem mom would do.

- Wh--

- If you want to attend

any more sporting events,

I need you to attend

this seminar.

- "Taking It Down a Notch"?

- It's like driving school

but for maniac parents

who can't conduct themselves

in a civilized manner

around other people.

- Fine by me.

[bombastic music playing]

- Weird seminar music, no?

- All right, everyone,

I want to welcome you all--

Cut! Stop!

[music stops]

Right now.

Now, you're here because

you behave like Neanderthals.

- What?

- Wait, what?

- What did you just say?

- Let's begin

with some role-playing.

Let's pretend I'm, say,

a referee

who just made a bad call.

Dakota, how would, say,

your mother respond?

- Uh, she'd say,

"Hey, nimrod, do you need me

to shove that whistle

up your as*h*le?"

Then she'd grab the whistle

and literally try to do it.

- That doesn't sound

like me at all.

- Mom, that literally

happened yesterday.

- Problem mom!

- We're making progress.

Randy, what would your dad say?

- My dad has

a bit of a temper, so--

- You idiot!

Why are you washing

our laundry in public?

- Dad, please!

- Come on, we're out of here.

- I want to stay

at the seminar.

- Come here!

- Stop dragging me!

- We're going.

We don't need this.

- Difficult dad!

- Let's move forward.

Tom, what would

your mother say?

- Can I sit this exercise out?

If I impersonate my mom,

it's not gonna end well.

- What do you mean,

not end well, in what sense?

- It means

I'm gonna get punished.

My mom does funny punishments,

okay?

- Tom.

You know what? He's tired.

- Name one.

- I don't know,

like making me take a bath

in Mountain Dew

and then be really sticky

when I go to school

for the next week?

- Tom, let's put a sock in it.

- Oh, my gosh.

- That's so sad.

- She'll make me, like, run

around the block a few times

with no pants on.

- Oh, let's don't tell this.

- Make me scream,

"Look at my wiener!

I should have cleaned my room."

- So abuse

but with a lighthearted twist.

- For your info,

he cleaned his room that night.

Tell you that much.

- Problem mom!

- No, no, Jacob, please,

for your own sake, don't do it.

- Thanks for getting together,

guys.

We should have done this

a long time ago.

- Yeah, look,

I want to apologize.

I really went off the rails.

I need to look inward.

I realize that now.

- Oh, yeah, you know,

being a parent is stressful.

And I just--

I forgive everybody,

because it's hard.

- Mm.

- And let's be honest.

Some of us don't--just don't

have the mental capacity

to handle it.

[sighs]

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

It's just that, you know,

some people are like

overgrown children

themselves, you know?

- I get all that,

but why are you looking at me?

- I'm looking at you

'cause I'm talking to you.

Oh, my gosh.

- Listen up, lady.

I did this to be nice.

I don't need a creep

and a chubby bimbo

calling me dumb

while I enjoy my latte.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- That does it.

Here, why don't you finish

my Frappuccino?

- Whoa!

- Whoa!

- Yeah.

- You put it on my boobs?

- You need something on them

to make them show up.

- You know what?

Have a scone, Dakota's mom.

- Oh, my God!

- Hey, hey, hey, come on!

Come on, hey,

let's be reasonable, huh?

Look at us!

- Excuse me,

if you're gonna pour the coffee

on each other's boobs, I'm

gonna have to ask you to leave.

- Okay, we need to finish

what we started at soccer.

- Bring it on.

- Whoa! Hey!

- Take that! In the eye!

There you go!

- Come on, now, stop. Stop it!

- It's in my mouth!

- Take it down a notch, okay?

- What?

- If you have a disagreement,

at least have

an organized fight

where we can charge admission.

- Oh, my God,

that's a great idea.

- Okay, you can't sit on each

other in front of the doorway.

You need to leave.

- Well, Mr. Sensitive.

- Oh, Mr. Sensitive

Green Shirt.

[bell rings]

- Big night.

Coach started a mandatory

"pass it to Tom" rule,

so think I might score,

finally.

- That's right, baby.

I'm hyped up, man.

Good luck out there today.

- Thank you, Nelson.

I appreciate that.

- Hi, kids.

Quick announcement here.

I hope you're having

a large day.

Today's soccer game

is canceled

due to the overwhelming

interest

in the fight being planned

in the gym.

- Fight? What kind of lunatic

is fighting in the school gym?

- Tell your parents

Tom's mom

- Oh, no.

- Will fight Dakota's mom

- Oh, my goodness.

- In the gym tonight at 5:00

and admission is $10.

- Uh, Tom, is there something

you want to tell me?

- This is honestly

the first I'm hearing of it.

[door clicks open and shut]

[energetic music playing]

- Uh, Mom?

- Mm-hmm, yeah?

- Anything you want to share

with me?

- No, can't--

can't think of anything.

- You don't have any big fights

or any kind of combat

scheduled?

- Oh, the fight.

- "Oh, the fight"?

- Tom, I wasn't gonna tell you.

- Mom, I'm gonna find out

about something like that.

What are you doing?

- Okay, well, look.

I was sh**ting my mouth off,

and it all

just got away from me.

I don't want to fight her.

- So just cancel the fight.

That's easy.

- No, I can't do that.

- What do you mean, you can't?

- Look, I would

happily cancel it,

but I'm not gonna set

a bad example for my son.

That would teach you

that it's okay to quit,

and I'm not gonna do that, Tom.

♪

- I feel like you're setting

a bad example

no matter how you play it

at this point.

- Thanks for coming out, folks.

I know we're excited.

I just want to make it clear.

No biting, no kicking.

And there's no tactful way to

say this in front of the kids.

No punching in the p*ssy.

Thank you.

- What?

- Oh, my God.

- Does that really need

to be a rule?

[bell dings]

[crowd yelling]

- Fight! Fight!

- Hurt each other! Come on!

- I don't know why you took

your bra off,

but I'm about to punching bag

those b*tches.

- Why don't you just shut

your little trap, and let's--

why don't we just start

fighting?

- Okay, this

is complete madness.

I need to stop this.

All right, you know what?

Guys, hold on, hold on.

I--I'm sorry,

I gotta interject.

When I heard my mom

was gonna fight,

it inspired me to write a poem.

Jacob, if you don't mind.

[sentimental music playing]

- This poem is called

"My Mom, My Hero."

- Nuh-uh!

[music stops]

You got us all riled up

for a fight

and now you got little kids

reading poems?

- I mean,

we paid good money for this!

- Someone needs to fight,

or we're not leaving.

[crowd murmuring]

- Tell me if this

is inappropriate,

but I'd be happy

to fight my wife.

- What?

- That is a fight

I would like to see.

- No.

- Yeah!

[crowd chanting]

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

- Don't encourage it.

- Oh, please, Brad,

you weigh 120 pounds.

- Aah!

- There you go.

[cheers and applause]

- Aah!

- I don't feel like my poem had

the impact I was hoping for.

- Not at all.

- Aah, my butthole!

- ♪ Remember

there's more road ♪

♪ And places to go ♪

♪ Patterns to contemplate ♪

♪ More people to fornicate ♪

♪ And remember

there's a lot of good omens ♪

♪ Supplying the proof ♪

♪ That our life

is the best joke ever told ♪

♪ Remember it's a joke

and leave it alone ♪

♪ Let go and try to be

always abiding ♪

♪ Remember if there's

one good reason for dying ♪

♪ The sweet silver lining ♪

♪ Through you she lives on ♪

♪ And therein lies a truth

we can sip when we want ♪

♪ Disciples of the flow ♪

♪ We can float anywhere ♪