01x01 - We Have Always Lived in the Castle

[bunniefuu]

[owl hooting]

[crickets chirping]

[curious music playing]

[pen scratching]

It has recently come to my attention that

I may never again have power
over another human being.

[chuckles softly]

My students, who

once fell over themselves to impress me,

now consider my teachings… out of touch.

My daughter, who used to worship me,
now finds my entire personhood rather

useless.

And while it may be possible
that a man might make a concession for me,

I may not be the cause
of a spontaneous erection ever again.

As an older woman,

truly, what is more embarrassing,

I will have lost the ability to captivate.

[man moans softly]

[man grunts]

- I find this very sad.
- [man grunts]

- Don't you?
- [man shouts]

What the f*ck? What the…

- Oh, sorry.
- [man screams]

[chilling music playing]

[classical waltz playing]

We're making a harvest salad
for the faculty retreat.

It'll be my 30th year at the college,

and thus will be my 30th faculty retreat.

But

I came in utero, so…

It's a real f*ck-you salad.

The kind that makes everyone
a bit embarrassed about what they brought.

- [woman] That one.
- [man] This one?

[woman] Yeah.

- Thank you.
- There you go.

[chuckles softly]

[classical waltz ends with a flourish]

Today might be fun.
There is a bit of a sex scandal.

Liaisons between a professor
and his students.

[curious music playing]

And as luck would have it…

[phone pings]

…the professor in question happens to be

my husband.

Okay, and the Title IX situation?

Andre, you have an update?

Okay, without beating around the bush,

the number of accusers has risen to six.

Uh, six young women.
Well, they're not as young anymore.

And the number of signatures
on the petition

demanding for John's removal is…

Wow. Over 1,000 with alumni support.

What?

When I was in college,
I wanted to f*ck all my professors.

Old, young, male, female,

but… I was too timid. Mm.

As George Bernard Shaw once said,

a firm a*s is wasted on the young.

Here we are.

Did I tell you

once I walked into his office ages ago,

and boom, there was a girl
with her bosom all over his face, like…

- What's that called again?
- Being a sexual predator?

- It was a different time.
- Mmm… was it?

Sweetie, was it now? No. It was different.

- Guys, let's not start--
- Oh, waterboarding.

- It was not waterboarding.
- I think motorboating is the correct term.

What? No.

- It's motorboating.
- I'm looking it up.

- Motorboating, one word.
- [husband] Folks, let's not…

Okay, let's go in.

[Andre] John's suspension will remain
in effect until the hearing. Date TBD.

There's a report being, um… assembled.

But I wanna congratulate David
on stepping in as our chair so quickly.

You're doing super. Huzzah for David?

Go David!

"Motorboating is the act
of pushing one's face

in between two ample breasts

and rocking one's head side to side
very rapidly

while making a vigorous 'brrrr' sound."

- I present to you academia.
- [David] There might be something--

Oh, my friends, I'm so sorry.
I had the wrong time. I can't believe it.

- We were just moving on.
- [protagonist] Carry on.

David, is there an extra chair or--

Hey, excuse me.

Take mine.

[David] I forget.
Have you met Vladimir Vladinski?

Oh, our… our new, uh… assistant professor?

Uh, no.

No, we have not, uh… met.

Please sit.

Oh, I'm fine.

Well, I need to stand for my back,
plus… seniority.

Well, I'll pretend
you didn't say that last part, but, uh…

[David] Okay, and moving on.

- I meant from an employment standpoint.
- Oh, I'm joking.

We still need two more volunteers
for the Meckleburg…

How are your groceries?

Oh, put away.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

[David] Respectful…

It's bad luck
to leave your bag on the floor.

Be concise. Maintain confidentiality.

Engage constructively.
Maintain perspectives. Any questions?

The more you say it.

[tense music playing]

Mm. Oh, they went crazy for my salad.

Devoured it, so, uh…

Ooh, David's Frito pie.

- Mm!
- [woman laughs] Do you want some?

I'm no-go on gluten, unfortunately.

Do you suffer from celiac's?

My son's friend suffers from celiac's.

More like body dysmorphia.

[laughs]

Thank you again for the chair.

It's my pleasure. They say sitting kills.

Oh, so I've heard.

Have you tried
one of those standing desks?

No, but I should, shouldn't I?

- I don't know, should you?
- Might be good for my quads.

Oh! Ha…

[chuckles] Um…

How are you adjusting
to life in the countryside?

To be honest,
I'm, uh… I'm really struggling.

[woman] Oh my God!

Oh, hey.

Oh my God! Uh, hi, hi, hi! I…

I'm Cynthia.

Oh, you're teaching for us too, right?

Yes! She's got one class.

Hi. I f*cking love your novel.

Truly f*cking formative.
I've been so excited to meet you.

Oh, well, I'm a big disappointment.

Fun. Me too.
Sorry, I would've been here sooner,

but our daughter defecated
inside of her clothing.

[Vladimir] Oh no.

I've been telling him
that he has to read your book.

Well, I haven't read his book yet,
so we're even.

Oh, it's not as good as yours.

- Oh, uh…
- Thank you.

Well, why don't you come over
for c*ck sometime this week,

and we can swap copies, both of you.

Ah, yeah. I don't drink,
but he loves to when I'm not around.

- We don't have to drink.
- Oh, no.

I very much… I want him to drink.
It's, uh… it's good for him.

- Yeah.
- Oops.

- Um, sorry.
- Oh, sorry.

- May I borrow these two for one moment?
- Yes, I'll send you an email.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Since Vladimir is full-time,
this will affect him more than you.

There's just some 401[k] paperwork.

- [woman ] What do you think she heard?
- [woman 2] It's really unfair.

It's a terrible position to be in.
I feel so bad.

Unconscionable that she didn't
say anything about it yet.

But you know. I guess it's not surprising.

[woman 3] I'm worried about…

Be good.

Hey.

- I have a question.
- I might have an answer.

Did you actually see the report?

Sure did.

Will you send it to me?

Please?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Oh, enjoy.

- Mm!
- Mm! [inhales, exhales]

[both chuckle]

[mysterious music playing]

Scandalous.

["Play With Fire"
by Barbara & Ernie playing]

It's very hard for me to understand how…

- [John] Did you salt these?
- Yes.

…consensual affairs that were fun,

not despite the power dynamic
but because of the power dynamic,

could be thought of
as hurtful or damaging after the fact.

- [John] You put something else on them?
- Cumin.

Oh f*ck.

As a fellow female, I'm a little offended.

I wanna tell these women
that when they're sad,

it's probably not
because of the sex they had

and more because
they spend too much time on the Internet,

wondering what people think about them.

[John] Fresh meats.

Here we go.

Top it off.

- [soulful funk music continues]
- ♪ Hoo, fire ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

[protagonist] To be clear,
John and I have always had an arrangement.

The kids today would call it
an open marriage

but without all the awful communication.

- Did they read my letter?
- [protagonist] It didn't come up.

You think you could deal with the compost
before next Sunday? No!

Move it along, buddy!

They need to read the letter.

It's been ten years
since I even looked at a coed.

Are we in the 1960s?
Why are you calling them coeds?

Oh, and they're setting a date
for the hearing.

Good, because I never broke the rules.

Technically.

Exactly.

Could you bring me a towel, please?

You didn't answer.

Um, can you deal with the compost
before next Sunday?

Maybe. Did you meet the new professors?

Our replacements?

- They're not our replacements.
- Let's hope.

Anyway, yes, I met them.

They are young
and fresh-faced and full of promise.

We'll beat that out of them.

Vlad, the husband, he's coming over
for c*ck next Sunday.

- I can get a better read.
- While Sid's here?

Oh, damn it!

Okay, I'll reschedule.

- When Sid comes…
- Mm-hmm.

…with this whole thing,
let's not say anything to her.

Look, our daughter doesn't need to know
about this whole--

For dinner on Saturday, salmon?

- Yeah, I'll do it on the grill.
- I'll get fresh stuff from the farm stand.

We can use my lettuce.
It's almost ready to pick.

Sure.

And make some pasta or something.
I can't eat just fish and veggies.

I'll waste away.

I'm considering giving up gluten.

Please don't.

Why not?

I don't wanna talk to Sid about it.

Thank you.

I know this hasn't been easy for you.

Mm-hmm.

I appreciate what you're doing.
That's all I'm saying.

Mm.

- Such sentiment.
- Seriously.

Look, as far as I'm concerned,
I'm just doing what I've always done.

["Femininomenon" by Chappell Roan playing]

♪ Hit it like rom-pom-pom-pom ♪

- ♪ Get it hot ♪
- ♪ Get it hot like Papa John… ♪

- Hey, good morning.
- Good morning.

[protagonist] For years now, John and I
have been a golden couple on campus.

- ♪ Get it hot ♪
- ♪ Get it hot like Papa John ♪

♪ Make a b*tch… ♪

[protagonist] He, the poetry scholar
and charismatic chair,

and me, the desperately sought-after
professor of creative writing

and passionate instructor of
the most popular class in the department.

{\an8}♪ Get it hot like Papa John ♪

{\an8}- ♪ Get it hot ♪
- ♪Get it hot like Papa John… ♪

{\an8}- [protagonist] What's up, b*tches?
- ♪ Go on and on… ♪

Women in American Fiction.
A bit broad, don't you think?

♪ Get it hot like Papa John ♪

♪ Make a b*tch go on and on… ♪

- That was a pun.
- ♪ It's a femininomenon ♪

♪ Hit it like ♪

♪ Get it hot ♪

♪ Make a b*tch ♪

♪ It's a fem, fem, fem ♪

[protagonist] Two cappuccinos.

Yes. Did you get soy?

- Soy.
- Thank you.

- Perfect.
- Dairy.

So, um…

- We were talking before.
- Mm-hmm.

And we did wanna kinda say something.

Oh, yes, that's what I want. Please.

Sorry.

You're fine.

- Am I?
- [student] Um…

We just wanted to, um… offer that you…

uh… don't have to do
the whole supportive-wife thing.

Wow.

Okay.

- Say more.
- Oh, yeah.

Like, like we just think
you're this hot, brilliant lady.

Like, like we think you're really hot.

Yeah.

And, um, we just think you don't have to,
like, stand by your man.

[gentle guitar music playing]

My dear, dear friends.

I am so flattered by your concern.

It's gonna be on our shoulders.
That's what I'm trying to avoid happening.

- That's all I'm saying.
- [grunts] God!

[protagonist] This man and I once
had an affair.

In meetings,
if I was wearing the right pair of pants,

I could make myself orgasm
just by looking at his profile.

Time can make things simpler,
if you know what I mean.

Ready for action?

- Just about.
- Hey.

Actually, um, I spoke to a group
of students who said you met today.

[protagonist] Mm-hmm.

Um, I just am actually concerned
about them.

Like, they said they were really anxious
talking to you.

- Okay.
- [chips crunching]

Just 'cause, like, some, like, survivors
are often not believed by enablers

who are often older women.

David.

So I just think
we need to be really thoughtful

of what we're
putting the students through.

Sorry, were they anxious to speak to me,

or were they anxious
after they spoke to me?

I didn't get confirmation on that.

When I hear "anxious,"
that's, like, noteworthy.

- Okay. Flo, I know you're new.
- I've been here for eight years.

So maybe you don't know how things work,

but I'm gonna request
that you not speak to me about this

in unofficial ways for perhaps ever.

Sorry. Is that okay?

David, do you think
you could eat the snack food products

that literally fell on the floor
any louder?

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

Hi.

[Flo] Ready for action?

We'll see.

Where did they put you?

- Upstairs?
- I got him in 406.

Oh, my old office.

Oh, that's why the vibes are so good.

[chuckles]

[dreamy music playing]

Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

Oh, no, no, an interruption was
exactly what we needed.

- [Flo] Um… okay.
- Okay.

[whimsical music playing]

[train horn honks]

- [man] Okay, you have everything, right?
- Mom!

Hi!

Mm!

Mm, you smell good.

Let me look at you.

Oh, you look so cool.

- Where's Alexis?
- She's coming tomorrow.

- On the train?
- She bought a car.

- Oh, how grown up.
- She's 35.

When you were 35,
I was, like, eight. You had tenure.

And now you're 27, and I just turned 40.

It's incredible.

Age jokes are lame, Mom.

[Sid] So Alexis is starting
to wanna talk about having a kid.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Okay. I mean, you're awfully young.

- I'm the same age as you were.
- That was a different time.

Alexis is already a geriatric pregnancy.

- Right, but for you.
- No, I know.

In New York, I'd be, like, a teen mom.
Might be kinda hot.

A child is serious.

I know. I was joking.

Just because your partner wants something
doesn't mean it's right for you.

- Mom!
- I like Alexis.

- I love Alexis.
- Please just stop talking.

I don't think
you should let her steamroll you.

She's not steamrolling me!
We're just talking about it. Why are--

I'm still paying your student loans.

Okay, Mom. Oh my God.
I'm so sorry I told you.

Next time,
I'm not gonna tell you anything.

That is awesome for our relationship.
Thank you, Mom.

Oh, listen, honey.
I'm sorry. I'm stressed.

You're fine.

Please don't tell me I'm fine.

- You wanna stop at the bakery with me?
- [Sid] Can you just drop me off, please?

[tense music playing]

A former student I had to fail.

May I get a bûche de Noël?

We only have the 12-inch.

Oh, perfect.
It's my daughter's favorite. She'll…

She didn't come to class,
and she didn't do the work.

It wasn't personal.

- May I pay now?
- Can I box it up first, please?

Of course. Take your time.

Tap your card.

[machine beeps]

- Oh! Sorry.
- You're fine.

Putting everything aside,
I was like, "Where is your self-respect?"

She should be embarrassed.

[John] It's like Greek theater.
It's the Oresteia.

No, it's not.

It's a family drama
where every action sets off a consequence

that then has to be reckoned with.
What's more Greek?

Caitlyn is Clytemnestra.

Khloe is Electra. We're the Furies.

- This is an amazing conversation.
- Imagine growing up with them.

I love pop culture. Yay, pop culture,

but it is not a Greek tragedy.

I mean, the whole point of tragedy
is taking something unwieldy

and submitting it to a structure.

Exactly what they're doing
with The Kardashians.

[protagonist] No,
something that is open-ended

cannot be compared to a Greek tragedy.

They're ontologically
and phenomenologically opposed.

Don't talk dirty to me.

The definition of tragedy is
a single, complete, and whole action.

Look, here's the thing.
Your mother cannot grasp evolving forms.

- What?
- [John] Yeah.

Never been an independent thinker.
Never been her strength.

She likes stuff to be time tested so that
she doesn't have to actively evaluate it.

Please stop.

She wants everything to be,
"Mr. Went stole Lady Parson's glove!"

"How scandalous."

"Starking longed for Lily,
but she died making hats, you know."

His name is Selden.
Why are you making fun of me?

- She's stuck up in her ivory tower.
- Well, at least I'm in the tower, John.

At least I'm inside the tower,
unlike you, who is not in the tower,

who is no longer allowed
in the f*cking tower

because you took little girls
into the tower.

- Hey. Hey.
- What?

Your father is suspended from teaching
because he had sex with students!

And I have to deal with all of his mess.

People judging me, talking about me,
students feeling anxious!

- And you can sit there and mock me!
- [Sid] Guys.

[John] What do you have to deal with?
You want me around long enough

to get my pension
and get the f*ck out of your life.

- What's happening?
- [protagonist] Oh, that's correct, John.

I've spent 30 years living with you
and working with you,

and all I want on this whole blessed earth
is to be alone.

[Sid] Stop!

But now you're gonna lose your pension

because you got motorboated
by a 21-year-old communications major,

and I'm gonna be stuck with you
walking around my house

with your low-slung ba*ls

hanging out of your g*dd*mn shorts
for the rest of my life.

Stop!

- [Sid weeps]
- Oh my God.

- I'm so sorry.
- [John] Sweetie…

- It's not that bad.
- [Alexis] Babe, take a breath.

- I knew about it.
- You knew about it?

- Well, I mean, not specifics, but--
- We had an open marriage.

- Mom, what the f*ck?
- What?

- I'm an only child, Ma.
- Ma?

There were three of us in the house.

And you just keep something like that
from me?

- We talked about telling you--
- [Sid] You knew he was f*cking students?

- Hey. It was not against the rules.
- I vaguely knew, but I--

Know who else vaguely knew
something bad was happening?

The freaking Germans in World w*r II.

That is not an appropriate comparison.

- I'm leaving.
- But I bought a bûche de Noël.

- I'll take it to go.
- But I wanted some.

Then f*cking keep it!

Just leave her a slice.

Sid! Sid, honey. Let's talk about this.

- Babe.
- Did you get the cake?

Did you leave me a piece?

Argh!

- [protagonist] Missy!
- Can we go?

[protagonist] This is
unacceptable behavior!

This is a 48-dollar cake!

Ugh! Just get…

- [spatula clatters]
- …out of here!

This is my house too.

Find somewhere else to sleep tonight,
John, please.

I'm serious. I'm done. It's over.
No more supportive wife.

No more staying the course.
It's over. I'm done.

Calm down.

- Get the f*ck out of here!
- [blender whirs]

You kidding me? [chuckles]

- Okay.
- Get out of here!

f*cking maniac. Fine.

[whirring stops]

- [sighs]
- [solemn classical guitar music playing]

{\an8}[interviewer] Do you believe the novel is
still relevant in our cultural discourse?

{\an8}I guess I often think about what
Vladimir Nabokov said in an interview.

{\an8}He said something
like, um… "I don't wish to touch…"

{\an8}…my parents wanted me to be an engineer.

[interviewer] So tell us what's next
for you.

I'm teaching, actually.

And, uh, yes, as you said,
my wife is also a writer.

We met in Iowa.

And, yes, there are huge benefits to that
because we both understand the process.

But, of course, with a young child,
it also makes it really f*ck' hard.

[phone pings]

[yawns]

- [phone pings]
- [groans]

[phone pings]

[phone vibrating]

[groans]

All I want is a life
free of complications.

[unsettling music building]

[groans]

If I can't have power, can I at least
be free from other people's drama?

Free from their behavior,

free from their needs and their desires.

[doorbell rings]

Is that selfish?

I've just come
to the time in my life when…

[doorbell rings]

…I don't wanna have to think
about anyone else.

[dreamy music playing]

[inhales breathily]

[dreamy music fades]

Is this still a good time?

["Dancing Barefoot"
by Patty Smith playing]

♪ She is benediction ♪

♪ She is addicted to thee ♪

♪ She is the root connection ♪

♪ She is connecting with he ♪

♪ Here I go, and I don't know why

♪ I float so ceaselessly ♪

♪ Could it be ♪

♪ He's takin' over me? ♪

♪ I'm dancin' barefoot ♪

♪ Headin' for a spin ♪

♪ Some strange music draws me in ♪

♪ Makes me come on like some heroine ♪

[dog barks, whines]