01x04 - Barbra

[bunniefuu]

Every family has a good egg
and a bad egg.

It can be hard
to tell which is which.

Sometimes, you have to eat both
to find out.

Who wants eggs?
Me.

Okay, ladies, today is a day
that will live in infamy.

[ Sighs ]

My older sister, Barbra,
is coming to visit.

Barbra?
Isn't she in jail?

Was in jail.

I didn't know
you had a sister.

Only by blood.
I identify as an only child.

Every time my sister
comes to visit,

she makes my life
a nightmare.

Well, I, for one,
can't wait to hate her.

Nothing brings women closer
together than a common enemy.

Hey, there,
little sis.

Barbra,
how did you get in here?

I changed
all the locks.

I always carry
my own knob.

Oh, I'm Barbra,
but you can call me Babs.

Both: I'm Debra,
but you can call me Dabs.

Barbra,
why are you here?

Why are any of us here,
man?

Other than to love.

That's my chair.

You can stand,
right?

Yes.
I love standing.

I don't know if you remember,
but I actually won best stander.

I'll go get
the trophy.

Ooh, I think Debby needs
a chill pill.

Am I right?

[ Whispers ] This whole place
is bugged.

[ Laughs ]
I'm not scared of her.

You know she wet the bed
until she was 43?

Wait,
how old is Debra?

You know, Debra took
a chicken nugget to prom.

[ Laughter ]

Both:
Chicken kisser, chicken kisser.

Well, did you guys know that
Barbra went to jail for arson?

Yeah, Arson was my ex,
and I burned his house down.

Cool.

Did he die?
Was he nice?

Why don't I tell you
all about it

over a hot, steaming mug of beer
and a cup of cold corn?

Uh, they can't. We're actually
really busy eating eggs,

and it's gonna
take all day so...

[ Whining ]
Please let us go.

[ Whining ]
We've been so good.

What are you,
their mother?

No.
I'm their neighbor.

Come on, Dabs.

♪♪

♪♪

Barbra.

♪♪

Hey!

Hey, everybody,
Barbra's back!

All: Barbra!

Did you miss us,
Barbra?

How could I
not miss that?

Everybody, give a nice,
warm welcome to my new friends,

Debra and Debra.

All: Deb, Deb, Debra!

Oh, play nice, boys.

This is
their first rodeo.

Let's get our girls
some shots, eh?

What'll it be?
Whiskey, tequila,

rabies, Gardasil?

[ Both gasp ]

Both: Gardasil!

Stick with me, ladies.

The only rule is
there are no rules.

And cash only.

Follow me.

You haven't seen fun
until you've seen darts.

All: Yeah!

Welcome to
the circus.

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Both vocalizing ]

♪ Debra, Debra, Debra,
Debra, Debra ♪

Understudies,
it's your lucky day.

You're on in 5.

[ Both gasp ]

Thank you, 5! Thank you, 5!

I think it's time I told you
the real reason

why I brought you here.

I want you to be part
of my crew.

But we already
have a crew.

We're Debras.
We don't take that lightly.

Why be a Debra when
you could be a Barbra?

When you put it like that,
I'm in.

Me too.
How do we join?

It's easy.
Come with me.

Oh, sorry.

[ Giggles ]

And acting.

[ Clears throat ]

Okay, ladies,
today is a horrible day.

My older sister, Barbra,
is coming to visit.

Ew, Barbara.
She makes me sick.

You are objectively
better than her.

I want her dead
and in the ground.

Thank you for this
beautiful brunch.

I'm excited to do
whatever you want today.

Good.

Mmm.

Scene.

Oh, you were
brilliant back there.

I really believed
you were at brunch.

I've been meaning to ask.
Did your boyfriend get his PhD?

This isn't working.

You're just agreeing
with everything that I say.

We're just working with
the material you provided.

We are more than happy
to improvise.

Look at this.
I'm a cat.

Oh, my God.

It's not about the script,
which is perfect.

I'm perfect.

It's about the authenticity
of the characters,

and I realize now
the only people

that could pretend to be
my friends are my friends.

You're dismissed.

Oh, this is
actually perfect.

I have a big audition
at 4:00.

Oh, I'll drive you.

Oh, you're the best,
thank you so much.

Can we take the freeway?Yeah, absolutely.

I can tell
they're really hurting.

They're really good actors,

and I'm really good at writing,
directing, and producing.

♪♪

[ Laughs ]

I don't understand.

What could a convicted felon
possibly want

from the Lemoncurd
Treasure Museum?

I will tell you.

Your first and final task
is to steal

the Lemoncurd
Declaration of Independence.

Steal it?

But it's the most heavily
guarded artifact

in all of Lemoncurd.

It's from when Lemoncurd
seceded from the whole world.

Plus, it's ill*gal.

What if we get caught?

Do you want to be
a Barbra or not?

♪♪

Oh, my God.
There it is.

But how are we ever
going to get to it

without
tripping the alarm?

♪♪

What about this?

♪♪

Oh. I thought that sign
was a joke.

♪♪

Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go!

♪♪

-Barbra. Barbra.
-Barbra. Barbra.

Barbra, we did it.
We committed the crime.

Can we be Barbras now?

Nice work, ladies.

[ Sirens wailing ]Wait.

Barbra, why are you
running away from the police?

Come back.
You're my best friend!

You're under arrest.

No, no,
you're not being nice!

Where is she?
Where is Barbra?

She's long gone.

What did she do
with my Debras?

You mean the Barbras.

They're in the slammer.

I knew something like this
would happen.

Everything Barbra touches
goes to jail.

[ Shivers ]

I'm freezing.

I'm shivering.
It's so cold.

Jail is hell.

We should probably
just die here.

[ Coughs ]

This is all
Barbra's fault.

We should have
never left Debra.

[ Doorbell rings ]You got that right.

Both: [ Gasp ] Debra!

You came back for us!

I had no choice.
Your understudies were horrible.

And brunch wasn't
the same without you.

Let's get you
out of here.

How did you
get past the guard?

If somebody would have told me
I'd lose my virginity today,

I would have worn
different pants.

Now, let's go get
my backstabbing sister.

I know just where
to find her.

Barbra,
stop right there!

It's too late.

I've got the Declaration
and the fastest mode

of transportation known to man
at my disposal.

You'll never catch me.

Why do you always come back
and try to ruin my life?

Because
you're a control freak

who thinks she's better
than everybody else.

And I'm the one thing
you could never control.

Well,
that's where you're wrong.

You're under arrest.
Oh?

You better say oink
'cause the pigs are here

to take you to the pen,
you stinky, pink b*tch.

How dare you
utter my birth name

in front of
my best friends?

Her name is
Stinky Pink b*tch?

No wonder
she smells like sh*t.

Both: She's a stinky pink b*tch
who smells like sh*t.

[ Laughs ]
Take her away!

Forget the pig stuff.

We're taking you to fish jail.

Aaah!

-Whoo! Yeah!
-Yes! Yeah!

Now, who wants to eat
the Declaration of Independence?

Way ahead of you.

Now, that's amore.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪