02x04 - To Have Debra, To Hold Debra

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

♪♪

Debras, I had the most
insane dream last night.

- Wow.
- So I'm getting ready

for brunch, and there's
a stain on my dress.

So I go to my laundry room,

but it's not actually
my laundry room.

Turns out it's my
guest laundry room,

but in my dream, it was as
if it was my laundry room.

That's crazy.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Choir singing operatically ]

I was scrubbing and
scrubbing and scrubbing.

I tried everything.

Baking soda. Sugar.

Turns out I didn't have hands.

I had little lobster claws,

and I started snip, snip,
snip, snipping at it.

At this point, my dress
turned into a cake.

[ Ting! Ting! Ting! ]

- Hi.
- Hey.

I had had enough of
things being strange,

so I forced my
dream to be normal.

Speaking of normal, it's time
for me to go change my diaper.

Pardonne-moi.

♪♪

I can't take it anymore.

Sitting next to you,
ignoring you all these years.

It's like my whole
life I was deaf...

to things seen with the eye.

Finally, my ears
can see clearly.

I need you...

right now.

Take me, Debra.

I thought you'd never ask.

♪♪

What the hell is going on here?!

I invited you over for brunch,

and I don't remember putting
your pussies on the menu.

Debra, it's not enough for
me to just be your friend.

I also want to finger you.

Aww. That's the only thing
anyone has ever said to me.

Truth be told, I have no
fulfilling intimacy in my life.

My type is anyone
who looks at me.

I am so excited
to settle for you.

I love you, too!

Well, I guess the only person
who cares about me is me.

Can you move out of my way?
You're blocking my view.

[ Both breathing heavily ]

[ Sighs ] Shut up,
you gorgeous b*tch.

[ Grunts ] Ow!

Oh! Sorry, sorry.

[ Grunts loudly ]

[ Bell rings ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Hisses ]

One. Two.

[ Bell rings ]

♪♪

Rah!

[ Horn blares ]

Debra down!

[ Bell ringing ]

And the winner is...

love.

Good game.

Good game. Good
game. Good game.

Good game.

Good game. Good game.

[ Both breathing heavily ]

All right, I'm gonna get
back to my son's graduation.

Yeah, well, maybe I
should leave, too,

since no one here seems
to care if I live or die.

Oh, my God. A box!

Debra, will you marry me?

No, no! A million times no!

Yes! Yes! A million times yes!

That's a whole lot of yes
for a whole lot of woman.

[ Squeals ] I'm engaged!

♪♪

I'm gonna do
something about this

if it's the last thing I
do something about this.

[ Laughs evilly ]

[ Soft jazz music plays ]

So what's new with
the lovebirds?

Eating worms, I hope.

[ Slurred ] I've gotten really
into binge drinking lately.

Well, you know what they
say... Nothing in moderation.

My nonna's favorite recipe.

[ Speaking foreign language ]

God damn it, Debra! I told
you I was craving raisins.

Go put this in the microwave.

Whatever you say. Don't
want to upset the queen.

[ Sighs ]

Trouble in paradise?

Growing up, my mother told me,

"Always put a fork
in the microwave."

Or was it, "Never put a
fork in the microwave"?

I'll just put a fork
in there to be safe.

My marriage has gone stale.

I'm starting to think the
only reason we got together

was because we were both
sitting next to each other.

Also, I have a husband.

[ Microwave beeping ]

I'm not sorry to hear that.

Is there anything I can do to...

[ Microwave beeping ]

make it better?

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch!
Ch-ch-ch!

What about Debra?

Oh, don't worry about that.
[ Siren wailing in distance ]

A little adultery
never hurt anybody.

Ma'am, can you point
me to the fire?

I'll do my best.

[ Beeping continues ]

♪♪

[ Breathes deeply ]

[ Exhaling sharply ]

[ Breathes deeply ]

Where did you learn to do that?

Learn it? Ha!

I invented it.

♪♪

Debra #3: Thanks, boys.
See you next fire.

One more, and you
get a free cookie.

Got those raisins you
asked for, sweetie.

Nothing! No reason! Why?!

Sounds good.

The craziest thing
just happened to me.

I thought today was Wednesday,

and it turns out it's not.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Ting! ]

[ Moans ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ] I'm crazy about you.

Let's run away
together, you and me.

I bought us two buses.

We can drive anywhere
a car can go.

What do you say?

Debra!

Debra.

Debra?!

Debra!

[ Groans ]

[ Both gasping ]

I didn't want to believe it

when I saw that sexy
red diaper in my car,

but my worst fears
have come true.

Debra, it's not what you think.

I was just cheating.

With me.

And to think all this time,
I thought you cared about me.

I don't. And to
make matters worse,

I'm pregnant. [ Gasps ]

Yes, pregnant.

Are you sure it's yours?

I don't know. We'll
have to ask it

when it slides out of me!

Don't touch me! Ohh!

[ Clapping ]

[ Laughs ]

Bravo, Debras.

You know, next time, you should
give me more of a challenge.

What are you saying?

That the only reason you seduced
me was to ruin my marriage?

Damn straight. And, honey,
breaking this relationship apart

was like cracking open a
safe that was wide open.

Now brunch can go back
to the way it was.

Oh! How could this get
any more dramatic?!

I will tell you. While
Debra was rambling,

I filed for divorce.

Debra, no!

Debra, yes.

Oh, please, Debra.
Please take me back.

I made a huge mistake.

For the baby, Debra.
Do it for the baby.

I want to name it
Debra after me.

Or maybe even Debra after you.

Oh, think of our history.

All the things we
bought and the other day

and [Speaking gibberish]

You make an amazing point.

But it's too late.
I'm leaving you.

Oh, please!

I hope it was worth it for.

Ohh!

Mnh.

Well, I'm out of ideas.

♪♪

[ Wheezing ]

Aah!

[ Gasps ]

[ Weakly ] Debra, there's
Chinese leftovers in the fridge

if you want them. Yeah.

The sesame chicken
will go bad tomorrow,

but the green beans
should last a couple

[Gasps] weeks.

[ Crying ] Nooooo!

Debra.

You rang?

Debra #3: This is
all your fault.

You ruined what
me and Debra had.

Please. You can't end a
marriage that was already over.

But I can end you.

[ Gasps ]

Aah!

[ High-pitched voice ]
You don't understand.

I did this for all of us.

You can take away my life,

but you can't take
away my brunch.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Loosen your grip a little bit.
This is a really good part.

[ Clears throat ]

Thank you.

So hear my dying words...

A moment on the lips,
forever on the hips.

Goodbye...

Fat Debra.

♪♪

[ Wailing ]

♪♪

No!

[ Hissing ]

[ Groans ]

[ Wheezing ]

[ Crying ] It hurts so bad!

[ Grunts ]

♪♪

[ Baby cooing ]

It's a miracle.

I'm gonna name you...

Brunch.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and
applause continues ]

Thank you. Grazie.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Oh.

Thank God it was just a dream.

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps, screams ]

[ Sighs ]

Thank God it was just a book.

[ Screams ]

Thank God it was just a show.

See you next week.

[ Screams ]