02x10 - The Meteor

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Narrator: Life's greatest
moments aren't defined

by where we spend them,

but by the people
we spend them with.

For the three busy Debras,

there are no great
moments in life.

♪♪

So, yeah, just take
off the dead ends.

Oh, I was also
thinking side bangs,

so try to make sure
they look insane.

You got it... a little
trim, coming right up.

♪♪

[ Alarm blaring ]

What is that?

Honey, that's a
horrible haircut.

[ Laughs ] No, I
love my haircut.

I was talking about
that horrible sound.

[ Alarm blaring ] Let's
try to harmonize with it.

[ All vocalizing out of key ]

You know, I think
the siren is off key.

Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
I come to you today

with the heaviest of hearts,

the lightest of feathers,
and the stiffest of boulders,

I just received word
that there's a meteor

heading straight for Lemoncurd!

[ All gasp ]

But, Mayor Doug, a
meteor from space?!

That's the worst kind!

Stay calm, stay calm!

There's nothing
to be upset about.

[ All sigh with relief ]

Uh, except your imminent death,

which is currently on its way.

[ All screaming ]

Why didn't anyone
see this coming?!

Where were the scientists
in all of this?!

Unfortunately,
all the scientists

were k*lled last year.

But don't worry,

we donated their
bodies to science.

Mayor Doug said the meteor
is going to k*ll everyone.

Does that mean we're gonna die?

Of course not. I can't die!

It's just not part of the
life I imagined for myself!

[ Chuckles ] In my
final act as mayor,

I am thrilled to finally turn
on the town Doomsday Clock,

though I wish I
was turning it on

in better circumstances.

It has been an honor to
serve you, Lemoncurd!

[ Beeps, Doug laughs ]

Excuse me, Mayor Doug.

Where do we go when all
the riffraff is busy dying?

No one will be
spared today, Debra.

Death comes for all of us.

Oh, I'm afraid!

[ Scoffs ] I'm not!
Fear is for the scared.

Besides, has anyone even
tried stopping the meteor?

To the sky!

[ Heroic fanfare ]

Cut it out, meteor,
this is coming at

a very inconvenient time for me!

I have jury duty on Friday and
I've been looking forward to it

for weeks!

[ Action music ]

I tried everything.

We're doomed.

Hey, Mr. Meteor, is
there a... Mrs. Meteor?

'Cause I don't want to
break up a marriage...

Unless, of course, you're
into the open thing,

which I cannot handle,
I am way too...

[ Screams ] Co-dependent!

[ Dramatic music ]

Allow me.

Talk is cheap, but my
arrows are expensive.

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Boing, slide whistle
descends scale ]

That's okay.

We did our best.

One thing each.

Debra, take us home.

[ Boing, pop, air hissing ]

[ All shuddering ]

[ Crashing ]

[ Jaunty piano tune ]

[ All gasp ]

Wait, we only have 30
minutes?! What happened?!

Well, we had to drive two hours
each way to pick up the balloon.

Oh! And then we
got that flat tire.

Why we bought the
tires pre-flattened,

I'll never understand.

So... Now what?

[ Chuckles ] Well,
I better be going.

I've got a long
day ahead of me...

Preparing my tomb,
et cetera! [ Laughs ]

I actually have a lot of
stuff to do on my own too.

My husband and I
are going to have

one last romantic
night together...

We're definitely
going to have sex.

You probably want to
see that... do you?

[ Chuckles ] Where will
you be dying, Debra?

Oh, I won't be.

I'll be in my
bunker with my son.

Deborah, it's not your
sun, it's all of ours.

No, my son, Trayden? The boy?

He's about this tall.

Right! Travis. How is he?

You know, we don't talk
about stuff like that.

Well, I guess this is it.

Yep! See ya!

- Cool.
- Bye!

♪♪

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Typing furiously ]

I love you, Mommy.

I can't take it anymore!
You're suffocating me!

Well, it's hard to suffocate
someone who's dead inside.

[ Scoffs ] Dead inside?!
Well, how about this?

I'm going to be dead outside.

I'm leaving you. Great! Leave.

I'd rather be with
my second mom anyway.

So you've been running
around with other mothers.

[ Rueful laugh ] I guess
you'll just hug anybody.

[ Door opens ]
Trayden, darling?

I brought you lunch.

[ Dramatic music ]

Watch your back, sweetheart...
If he can replace me,

he can replace you.

[ Door creaks, bangs ]

[ Hatch door whirring ]

[ Dramatic music ]

Hey, baby!

Ready for one last
night in heaven

before I... join you in hell.

Oh yeah.

Ooh! You're so tense.

Let's get you into
something a little more...

comfortable.

[ Moans ]

[ Smacking ]

How's about a nice massage
to get you all warmed up?

[ Squelching ]

Remember our first date,

I gave you a blow job
in a haunted house,

and it was so scary, management
made us the main attraction.

Are you ready for the
worst sex of your life?

Unh! [ Record scratch ]

That was fast.

I'm gonna...

I'm gonna go.

I honestly thought
that would go better.

I guess I'll, like,
see you around?

[ Dramatic music ]

[ Playful instrumental music ]

[ Timer dings ]

Okay! Time to die. [ Exhales ]

Today we honor the life of
an objectively amazing woman.

Me!

Debra, you had a great run...
A six minute mile in heels!

And your life was
pretty good too.

[ Dreamy instrumental music ]

[ Exhales ]

Strange...

My coffin is full,

but I feel empty,

like something is missing.

But I have all my toasters.

[ Gasps ]

The Debras!

[ Action music ]

♪♪

And now I'd like to list off
some crimes that I've committed

so that I may enter
the afterlife absolved!

I wore white after Labor Day!

I coveted in my
neighbor's sheep dog.

I hired a hit man to
m*rder my own p*nis.

[ Gasping ] I've
got to find my...

Pigs!

What are you doing here?

Were you stealing from me?

I knew I shoulda
locked the doors.

You know, I just
came by to gra-a-b

the-e-e table! Yes!

I will just drag it
and be on my way.

Yes, and, uh, I left
some pee in the toilet,

so I'll probably just grab
that and be on my way.

No, please! Don't go.

Thank God, I had no idea

where it was going to get
pee on such short notice!

[ Sighs ] Debras...

I need to tell you something.

I had a realization today

as I was preparing
my tomb for blastoff.

I had everything I ever
wanted in one place,

but it wasn't enough.

And then I realized the most
important possessions in my life

are the two of you.

As I was sitting in my bunker,

it occurred to me that I
was in the wrong place.

If I'm going to die,

I don't want to be with my son!

I want to be with my loved ones.

As for me, I realized today
that my husband is already dead.

And since I have absolutely
no other options,

there's no one I'd rather die
with than the two of you...

I guess.

One more brunch,

for old time's sake?

So I was sitting on
my couch the other day

when the funniest
thing happened.

I lost an earring!
[ Siren blaring ]

[ Laughter ] No!

I searched high and low,

and I finally found the
earring in the funniest,

most unexpected place...

In the couch I was sitting on!

That's so funny! I'm
laughing so hard!

And here's where it stays funny!

When I finally
found the earring,

the back was
missing! [ Cackling ]

I'm freaking out!

And your story is why.

But luckily I have a
similar set of earrings,

so I was able to put the
back from those earrings

onto the hearings that I lost!

Are those the earrings
you're wearing right now?!

No!

[ All screaming ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Rumbling subsides,
screaming stops ]

[ Silence ]

Is it over?

I think so.

[ Chuckles ] [ Sighs ]

Anyway, like I was
saying, my earring...

[ expl*si*n ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Slurping, bell dings ]

[ Rustling ]

[ Drum roll, hammer clanking ]