01x08 - The Bogfather

[bunniefuu]

Don't even think about it.

Don't even.

Ow.

No. What No!

No. Leave it!

Greetings, young Port Wennians!

- Hello!

- It is our honor

Nay, our duty to help you learn

about our town's history

through our eyes.

Let's travel back

to the year 1757.

I'm Roderick, the bog harvester.

Each day,

I cut peats into bricks

for the townspeople

to cook their food.

Peat also makes

an excellent camouflage.

But the bog is not

just for food and fuel.

It's also for love.

Ooh!

Our town leader

Archibald "No Nose" Wenn

proposed to Annabelle Ross

while gathering peat.

Yes, it is I,

Archibald "No Nose" Wenn,

many moons ago,

I declared my undying love

to the woman

of my dreams right here

in this very bog.

Yes. Huh

My beloved and I

lived happily married

for 37 years

growing a family with

a bunch of nice little kids.

And being the very heart

and soul of Port

- I'm sorry. Sorry.

- Oh!

What brings you back in?

My pickleball tourney's

this weekend,

and my elbow's still k*lling me.

Have you been doing

the physical therapy exercises

- I gave you?

- No.

- They were so boring.

- And so are patients

who don't listen to me.

And yet, I keep at it every day.

How's the urinary flow?

It's still just a dribble.

I hear the young guys

in the urinals

next to me peeing

like race horses.

Have you been doing

the Kegel exercises

we discussed?

It's very simple.

You just imagine your p*nis

is a straw.

- You just

- Kegel? For me?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, that's just too much.

It's too much.

My wife gives me food,

now you want me to do Kegels?

Let me guess.

You still have lice.

Why else would I be here?

And no, you can't make me

shave my head.

This hair is my signature look.

I never suggested

you shave your head.

I told you to use

permethrin shampoo.

Oh, okay.

Wait, what?

Show of hands!

How many people are here

to complain about

something I've already

seen them for?

And how many of you actually

done the thing

I asked you to do?

Great. And who's next to

waste my time? Elaine?

Oh, Hi, Doc.

Elaine, uh, s-she

Unless that sentence ends

with "saving a life,"

stop talking.

Best here.

A what?

Drop me a pin.

I know it's so exciting, but

Louisa.

Oh. Here, get on the bus.

- Martin, hi.

- Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're okay.

I mean, you know, except for

the dead guy that Mark found

- in the bog.

- I heard.

- Well, why was Mark in a bog?

- Martin.

Shame you're visiting our bog

under such grim circumstances.

You went in, too?

Are you aware that bogs

are a natural incubator

for gangrene?

No, it's fine.

We do this every year.

And besides,

no one's lost a toe yet.

That's right

Doc, you made it.

Big day for Port Wenn.

Our very first mystery corpse.

It's kind of a big milestone,

if you really think about it.

Mm. Yeah, and I'm still

trying to figure out

why you needed me here.

No one's hurt.

Right. Things are going

fast and furious.

The medical examiner's

on her honeymoon.

So she deputized you

to run point

- on the forensic investigation.

- Why, absolutely not.

No, I'm not a coroner,

and I have

a full afternoon of patients.

Oh. Well, if you want to move

my bloodletting to tomorrow

I'm not clearing my schedule

for an autopsy, okay?

My job is to take care

of living bodies,

- not dead ones.

- Right.

But today,

the law says that it is.

The medical examiner needs us

to ID the body,

collect DNA and figure out

cause of death.

She also said

something else, too.

That was very important.

Okay.

How-how about tomorrow

first thing?

Oh, yeah.

That'll be fun.

I mean, fine.

It'll be fine.

Yeah, that's totally fine.

Okay, see you later.

Hey, Doc, where do you want me

to drop off the dead guy?

Oh, right.

That was the important thing.

Okay, so we have to store

the body for a few days.

Figured we'd just use the

old doc's office, blast the AC.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Unless he has an appointment,

he's not coming in,

and it's not nearly cold enough.

Okay, so what are

we looking for then?

Somewhere refrigerated,

big enough to conduct

an autopsy.

Whatever you say, Doc.

- Whatever you say, Doc.

- Whatever you say, Doc.

Hmm.

Okay.

Yeah, I got it.

Yeah, I got it.

Okay, here we go.

Yep. Yep.

We got it. Okay.

Appreciate you lending us

the walk-in.

Yeah.

It's the least we could do.

Oh, I hope the feet

don't break off.

Nope. If I just

Watch it, watch it, watch it.

We almost get shut down

by the health department

over our sweet little brisket.

And now we're emptying out

our walk-in for a dead body.

Greg, don't be heartless.

This man deserves a proper

Port Wenn welcome, dead or not.

Besides, Martin's not

gonna snitch again!

Ooh.

Looks like a haunted potato.

Be sure to add that

to the autopsy report.

A puncture wound.

About the size of a b*llet.

Just like the guy I saw

outside Danceteria in '82.

Oh, I love your wild days.

Is that when Madonna

stole your cab?

Please, when didn't

Madonna steal my cab?

No one comes in

this room without me

or Sheriff Mylow.

Understood?

- Why, Doc?

- Doc's right.

We got to lock it down.

- Not here.

- Oh, no.

Hey there, guys,

what's happening?

This man may have been m*rder*d.

Tell us, has there been

a m*rder in Port Wenn?

Is there a k*ller on the loose?

- Are we even safe?

- Are we in danger?

Who got shot?

Everyone, please stay calm!

Everyone, please stay calm.

As sheriff, it's my duty

to protect Port Wenn

and to keep it real.

We found a b*llet hole

in the dead dude.

Yes, it might be m*rder.

- Unbelievable.

- What?

It's scary, but don't worry,

I've organized

Port Wenn's first ever

neighborhood watch,

and I've nominated Sarah

to lead it.

And, of course,

our very own Dr. Martin Best

is gonna lead

the forensic investigation.

So if you have any questions

or leads,

please feel free to come

to either one of us, okay?

Questions.

Yeah, buddy.

Who's the prime suspect?

Got any leads?

It's still early days.

Figures.

Incompetence everywhere.

What should we do?

I put a lot of thought

into that. Doc?

You all want to stay alive?

Oh, yes.

Of course. Of course.

Then do your physical therapy.

And, Ronnie, take your insulin.

You're gonna end up like

that guy in the fridge.

Come on, Ronnie.

Every single one of you.

More dietary fiber.

Wait a minute.

Who is the dead guy?

Elaine, slow down.

I'm going out to do the autopsy.

Move Louisa to the morning,

reschedule the rest

of my patients.

- Can you handle that?

- Yes.

Yes, yeah, totally.

But, Doc, a m*rder in Port Wenn?

It's like we're living in

our own crime show.

Hey, don't tell anyone, but

I'm very excited.

I've always wanted

a real crime to solve,

so I can be taken seriously.

You know, not just

the guy who comes

and gets the owl

out of your attic.

Okay.

You just seal up that bag.

And what's left?

- Tissue sample.

- Right.

Okay.

- Now.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.

Hmm, thought there'd be

some blood.

Blood coagulates after death.

So, why is it so squishy?

Because of the bog water.

Cold, acidic, low oxygen

preserves tissue,

but not blood flow.

Oh, so it's like working

on a live body,

but without any of the blood?

Exactly.

So, when do you think he died?

That is a good question,

my friend.

He could have died weeks ago,

months ago, or even years ago.

That really opens up the pool of

potential victims.

- Mm-hmm.

- And suspects.

Oh

Okay, time in bog, TBD.

Uh, male, height 5'10",

no tattoos, red hair.

Nah.

Well, maybe.

Okay, hang tight, Doc.

I got to go

I got to go detective

something real quick.

Sure.

I'll just be done in a second.

Greg!

Get it together, Greg.

Sorry.

Hold on, hold on,

hold on, hold on.

Is that Josephine Alcott's car

in Ronnie Winslow's driveway?

Wow.

The dust hasn't even settled

on his poor wife's grave.

I don't think the casseroles

are the only things

she's been cooking up.

Casserole in the hay.

A dead body was found

in the bog.

Come on, people, think.

Who's our John Doe?

And who do we like for this?

Port Wenn isn't just the best

place for lobster rolls.

It's a town full of secrets.

Stay tuned.

I'm Detective Elaine Denton,

and this is Claw and Order, BOG.

Duh-duh!

Yeah. Yeah!

Elaine, you're, you're

pretty good at this.

Really.

And that jacket is really hot.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, I really like it.

Oh, hi. Hi, Doc.

Uh, we were, we were just

Uh

Carry on.

Wait a minute.

What's the scoop?

Who's the dead guy

and how did he die?

Not sure yet.

Still working on it.

- You two have a good night.

- Well, wait. What

What is that?

Were you actually

in a good mood?

Why wouldn't I be?

Finally, I have a patient

who doesn't talk back.

You did this?

Uh yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty neat, right?

Hmm, if only you were this good

at your real job.

Night.

It's scarier when he's nice.

What's wrong with Geneva?

We don't know for sure,

but we think the body

that we found

- might be Bruce.

- Aah.

Same height, red hair,

and he may have been shot.

Oh, my goodness, my Brucey?

I know this is a lot to take in.

When was the last time

you saw him?

Thanksgiving.

A few years ago.

You know that.

Everyone knows that.

Sure. But you never told us

where he went or why he left.

Yeah, I didn't want

to talk about it then,

and I sure don't want

to talk about it now.

I know.

What's going on here?

Official police business.

Well, I'm

the neighborhood watch,

and she's my best friend.

What's going on?

I don't want you to faint

when I tell you this.

Just spit it out, Mark.

We might have found

Bruce's body.

- In the bog?

- Mm-hmm.

Geneva, do you think

that might be possible?

Yes.

I did it.

I k*lled Brucey.

What?

Yup, I shot my husband

and I chucked him in the bog.

Okay, okay.

I think I'm gonna need a minute.

Wait, wait.

Come on.

Do your job. Lock me up.

What?

History.

In an autopsy

I'm busy, Elaine.

Oh, it's, it's Louisa.

- Hey.

- Louisa. Right.

- Yeah. Uh-huh.

- Your-your appointment.

How-how are you?

Um, I'm a little nervous.

- Me too.

- You are?

No, I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

- Oh. Okay.

- Of course not.

Bloodletting is

an easy procedure.

- Oh, good.

- Just

Elaine didn't come in with you?

- She's late.

- I, uh She, um

She stopped at the Salty Breeze

that she needed her Danish fix.

Oh, good, good.

I paid for work

to get in the way

of her breakfast treats.

How-how long should

this take, you think?

It's just, I-I should probably

get to school soon.

Right. I'll just find

a needle.

Finding a needle.

So how's, uh

- How's school?

- Busy.

I'm-I'm helping

Principal Holloway

with budget cuts.

You know, I'm rationing out

glue sticks

and pricing out pencils, and

Let's do this.

- Right.

- Yeah.

- Okay. I'll just

- Oh, yeah.

- Hmm. Just

- Mm-hmm.

- Make a fist.

- All right.

Is, is something wrong?

- Yes. You, well

- Me?

Very thin.

- Oh.

- Your veins are very thin.

I'm-I'm

gonna need you to come back

when you're more hydrated.

Oh, my gosh.

Dr. Reese always loved

my veins, so

Yeah. Well, then, Dr. Reese

will have to come back

from the dead

and draw your blood.

No, no, no.

That's not what I mean.

I just, I just don't think

I can keep rescheduling.

Hello.

What?

Are you kidding?

I'll be right there.

What-what's going on now?

Mark.

He arrested Geneva.

H-have Elaine reschedule.

All right, you weirdos.

Five bucks, five minutes.

And keep it down,

and don't touch it!

Oh, my God.

Look at his feet.

Want to get a pic?

Uh, uh, photos are

five bucks extra.

- Extra?

- Per person.

- Okay, boomer.

- Tell all your friends.

Ready?

Geneva, walk us through it.

How'd you do it? What g*n?

Mark, if I keep answering

your questions,

I'll never finish this row.

And I told you already.

At home

with Bruce's hunting r*fle,

and then I tossed him

in the bog.

You really tossed a 200-pound

man into a bog on your own?

- I used my core.

- Geneva.

How am I supposed

to tell my mom this?

This is gonna k*ll her.

What else have you been

lying about?

Your goldfish didn't run away.

Wait, he didn't join

a rock band?

Mark, better not to know.

You and my mom told me

that he was in

a band called

Cutie and the Goldfish.

This is just, like, so much

for me to take in right now.

I'm I'm just

I never could understand

how he got into law enforcement.

Yeah, me either.

Geneva, I-I need to know more

about Bruce's medical history

in order to confirm

his identity.

Did he have any tattoos?

Identifying marks?

Surgeries perhaps?

Well, he, he didn't have

a spleen,

or a gallbladder,

or an appendix.

You know, one of those organs

you don't really need.

That's a start.

I still can't believe it.

Geneva! It's not possible.

I mean, she was always cagey

about why Bruce left.

Never gave a straight answer.

Just one day, he was gone.

Yes, you can sleep next

to someone for 20 years

and not have a clue

what they're capable of.

I saw Cher without you once.

Once.

It was the farewell tour.

Exactly.

It was the farewell tour.

I have to film a new episode.

This is big news.

This is big news.

Also, these might be

your best yet.

What kind of cheese did you use?

If I told you

- I'd have to k*ll you.

- I'd have to k*ll you.

Yeah, we can't say that anymore.

It's different now.

The truth has clawed

its way to the surface.

The Port Wenn k*ller

has been caught,

and it's always the ones

you least expect.

Until next time,

Detective Denton,

Claw and Order, BOG.

Duh-duh!

So good.

But, why'd she do it?

Doesn't matter.

Case closed.

Your detective work sucks.

Hey, do not sass

my girlfriend, okay?

And-and-and show some respect

for law enforcement.

"Girlfriend?"

- Yeah, I, well

- Al, we've been over this.

We're frisky friends.

That's it.

Finally,

it's getting interesting.

You know what?

Fine.

Get yourself a new cameraman.

And-and-and another

frisky friend.

Hey! What's a frisky friend?

Uh

Five bucks, five minutes a pop.

Quick and quiet, okay?

Bert? Really?

Are you charging to see

the dead body?

This is a tragedy,

not a carnival sideshow.

I'm just trying to make

an honest dollar.

Have you no shame?

The world today.

Hell in a hand basket.

I'm disappointed in all of you.

I take care of George.

- You cut me in?

- Deal.

Sheriff Mark, cheese it.

It's like, it's like,

first Bruce,

and then it's my goldfish.

What else is Geneva

hiding from me, you know?

Just to be clear,

you actually thought

a goldfish could sing?

Well, I had a dog

who could read my mind. So

Anyway, we don't even know

if this is Bruce

or just Geneva having some

sort of geriatric delusion.

Did you bring your flashlight?

Of course, Doc.

I never leave home without it.

Where are we going?

Just shine it right

above the abdomen.

So I checked with

Dr. Reese's files

and Bruce had a cholecystectomy.

So if this body

doesn't have a gallbladder,

it's likely Bruce.

How'd you do this

for a living, Doc?

Best job in the world.

You seem different, man.

I don't know.

You seem, like, more cheerful.

You're starting to make me

a little uncomfortable.

I'm just enjoying the work.

It's not a crime.

Thank goodness,

'cause it would have k*lled me

to have to arrest you too, Doc.

I knew it.

This isn't Bruce.

Oh?

We always wondered

what happened between

the two of you.

You were so secretive

after he, uh, left town.

But we didn't think

you'd k*lled him.

It was this darn cable stitch.

And now, the whole town knows

that you're not just

a cake baking sweetheart,

you're a cold-blooded

husband k*ller

who's gonna spend the rest

of her life in prison.

I'm gonna have

to redo this whole row.

Geneva Larson,

you've never botched

a cable stitch in your life.

All right.

I didn't k*ll Brucey.

Then why did you

turn yourself in?

Because I'd rather rot in here

than have everyone

know the truth.

What's worse than

a m*rder charge?

That Thanksgiving

when, when Bruce left,

he left with my sister.

Bonnie?

Well, it's always

the ones you don't expect.

I haven't spoken to either

of them since.

Two people I love most

in the world,

they chose each other

and left me

with cold turkey

and a broken heart.

But the truth

I-I really don't want

to admit is that I am old, alone

and not loved.

Oh, Geneva, don't be crazy.

We all love you, and we're

not going anywhere, okay?

And, you know, everybody

has a secret or two.

You know what I just saw?

Josephine and

Ronnie going after each other

like dogs in heat.

- Really?

- Hmm.

She's sure was baking

a lot of casseroles.

Now we know why.

What do you mean it's not Bruce?

Bruce doesn't have

a gallbladder.

This body does.

Wait.

Wait a second.

Can you shine your light

more over here?

Yeah.

What was a marble

doing in there?

I think this body was in the bog

a lot longer than we thought.

Good eye, Martin,

it's a musket ball.

18th century.

This might be

an early Port Wennian,

like Jeremiah or Roderick, or

nay, Archibald "No Nose" Wenn.

This cadaver was centuries old.

We discovered a Bog Man

on this side of the Atlantic.

I mean, that's the headline.

This is incredible.

Wow.

This case just took a turn.

We have a lot of work to do.

What for?

The investigation is over.

This is now

a scientific discovery.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not so fast.

This is still a homicide.

Four-hundred-year-old m*rder.

- It's my first cold case.

- Mark is right.

I would like to know who k*lled

this early Port Wennian, too.

It's part of our, what?

- History.

- History, Doc.

Fine. As long as you

leave me out of it.

Knock yourselves out.

I have to make a call.

Don't worry about nothing, Doc.

- You know I got this.

- Thanks, partner.

Geneva didn't do it.

Sorry, Jessica Fletcher.

That's old news.

- What?

- Hi, Norman.

- It's Dr. Martin Best.

- Look at this.

Yes.

Yes, it's been a while.

Listen, I-I need a favor.

- I was wondering

- What's all the hubbub?

Geneva didn't k*ll Bruce.

The dead body might be

an early Port Wennian!

I'm so excited!

- Wait, there's no m*rder?

- No mystery?

It's a cold case,

straight out of the freezer,

right onto the grill.

How are we gonna load

these shirts?

An ancient m*rder

is still a m*rder!

Hey, what are you

two whispering about?

Repairs.

Come on, Bert, let's go

- Tighten the hinge.

- The loose Yeah, the hinge.

Great. All right.

Thanks, Norman.

I-I'll send those peat samples

over to the lab right away.

Okay, got it.

I'll-I'll ask. Bye.

Can I have everyone's attention?

Hello.

Excuse me.

Who wants to make

a thousand dollars?

Mm. Well, at least

you're predictable.

I just got off the phone

with a colleague,

a forensic anthropologist

from Harvard.

Yeah, get on with it.

- We know you went to Harvard.

- Go Crimson!

We just discovered

a rare Bog Man

who could be hundreds

of years old.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity to study taphonomy

Jump to the part

where we get paid.

Right. Researchers want

to do DNA testing

to identify

any living relatives,

and they'll pay a thousand

dollars per confirmed match.

So what do we do?

Just pile in a van?

Go down to Boston?

Nope. I'll open

my office for anyone

who wants to do genetic testing.

Who's interested?

Great.

Elaine will coordinate

DNA collection.

Absolutely.

Detective Elaine Denton here.

Mystery is not over yet.

Who's the old dead dude?

Was he still m*rder*d?

And most importantly,

who here in Port Wenn

has found their bog daddy,

their bog grampy, Bogfather?

That's it.

Only time and some

DNA samples will tell.

Need a new frisky friend

for your show?

- I'm good with mysteries.

- Ew, definitely no.

Don't say that.

But I do need a new cameraman.

Let's talk.

See, that's how they get you.

One day, they take your DNA.

The next day,

you're in a police lineup

- for car theft in Kalamazoo.

- Come on, Dad.

You-you love a chance

to make some quick cash.

Money's not that important.

Meet you out back

for a peek at the Bog Man.

Okay. All right.

See. Come on.

I know you too well.

We should, we should do it.

Your DNA leads to my DNA,

and I can't risk it.

So don't do it.

Glad you came in voluntarily,

Gilbert.

I'd hate to have

to subpoena you.

I don't know what

you're talking about,

but you're making me

very nervous.

In a small town,

everybody's hiding something.

I'm Detective Elaine Denton.

Stay tuned for the next

episode of Claw and Order.

The Bogfather.

Kinda stiff on that take.

Yeah, I got a better one in me.

New cameraman already?

- That's fast.

- That's show business.

If my dad asked if I came in,

don't tell him, okay?

He's been really weird

about that stuff.

Not a problem.

It's like you're not even here.

It's like you're not even here.

I'm gonna sh**t this.

Lots of unspoken tension.

- Can it, Cronk.

- Yeah, Cronk.

I promise, I have been

pounding water

all day today like it's my job.

We'll see if your veins agree.

We'll be removing a pint

to lower your ferritin levels.

Should take about half hour.

Make a fist.

I'm glad we got this in today.

This morning,

you seemed very, uh

Pass the needle.

Wait. What?

Oh, this is just how we do it.

It's perfectly normal.

It's textbook normal.

Did I do something wrong?

Offend you somehow?

- What?

- I don't know.

It just feels like

you can't stand

being in the same room

with me anymore.

You know what?

I-I don't have the time

to deal with the emotional

insecurities of every patient.

I-I have to collect

peat samples.

- Excuse me?

- What?

What? I have important research

to do and I'm running late.

You know, it's funny, um

This is the most engaged

I have ever seen you.

And it's over a corpse.

Yes.

And you want to know why?

Because unlike humans,

corpses don't talk back.

They-they don't tease,

they don't gossip.

Their tender little feelings

don't get hurt.

They aren't a constant tsunami

of needs and opinions.

And, at least with a corpse,

I won't be surprised when

it doesn't listen to me.

I knew it.

I never thought you were

a right fit for Port Wenn

and now you're proving me right.

What did you just do?

- I have to go.

- Where?

Somewhere I can be alone.

What does that mean?

No!

- Two.

- Two.

It was good, right?

Oh, so creepy.

Oh, my God, there's a hair.

The Bog Man.

Tell your friend.

Hey, right you here, ladies.

Right in there.

Honey, I'm looking for the ma

Greg Garrison,

you are not doing

what I think you're doing.

Do not judge me until

you see the electric bill.

That is dirty money.

Costs are up, margins are down.

So every dirty dollar helps.

- I'd show you the spreadsheet.

- No, no, no, no.

I'm just gonna get

a raging headache.

Well, I try to protect you,

my love.

I know you hate to see me

bogged down by details.

- Oh.

- Okay

Hey, you make enough

to fix the oven light?

Yes, and perhaps enough to

splurge on name-brand mayo.

Greg, you're such a tease.

Mm.

Two more.

- Hey, Miss Dana.

- It was good, right?

Tell your friends.

Tell your friends.

- Any words from Harvard?

- Not yet.

Oh, the DNA lab

sent a couple flags

from the genetic screenings.

Can you have Al come in?

Al? Do I have to?

What do you think, detective?

Hey, thanks, Greg.

- Thanks, my love.

- How's it going, guys?

A lot of dead ends,

no pun intended.

Whoa, wait. Check this.

"Battle of Machias,

fought in Maine during

the Revolutionary w*r.

Musket ba*ls, 18th century."

- It lines up.

- Strong working theory, George.

Adding it to the list.

Glad you're having fun.

But we open in five.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on ahead without me.

Last time I let him near

The History Channel.

So the DNA testing shows

you have genetic markers

for Marfan Syndrome.

What? Am-am I okay?

Absolutely.

You're gonna be fine.

No, it's, it's a connective

tissue disorder.

Now, while it can be serious,

your signs are

the manageable ones.

Uh, you're just tall, thin,

flexible joints,

nearsightedness.

You wear corrective lenses,

right?

- Yeah.

- Listen.

It's a good thing

you took the DNA test.

Now we know, so we

can keep an eye on it.

But again, there's absolutely

nothing to worry about here.

Okay? See you at

your annual physical.

Wait, Doc, um, you said

it's genetic.

Correct.

And is that from

my mom's side or my dad's?

In this case,

from your father's side.

Okay, well,

he's built like a truck,

and he's got perfect vision.

Yes.

So does that mean

my dad is not my dad?

Al, look

Family isn't just genetics.

You guys.

The Bog Man results are here.

This is gonna be so exciting.

We'll read it out

at the Salty Breeze.

It'll be so fun, and really

good content for my show.

So, Al, maybe we should just

What happened?

- Is he okay?

- You'll have to ask him.

Al! Al, wait!

What are you

Come on, Al!

Just leave it, Elaine.

It's such a great photograph.

Oh, this so exciting.

- Martin.

- Louisa.

What was that about?

Doctor-patient confidentiality.

You just can't help

being a jackass, can you?

Dear Port Wennians,

we gather to honor history

and the miracle of DNA testing.

May I have ye old envelope?

Oh, can I get

a drum roll please?

And the results are

Harvard has confirmed

there was one living descendant

of the Port Wenn Bog Man.

And that person is

Oh, snap.

Martin Best?

You're-you're kidding.

It's-it's Martin?

What about Aunt Sarah?

It just says your name.

Must be on your mother's side.

But I-I didn't submit DNA.

I may have borrowed some hairs

from your hair brush.

Elaine, that's a complete

violation of privacy,

not to mention ill*gal

on several levels.

Oh, Martin, come on,

and face it.

This town's in your blood.

It's a good thing we didn't

send in our DNA, huh?

You all right, kiddo?

Yeah, Dad.

Glad we didn't.

Based on historical records,

Harvard believes

that the Bog Man

is a man who might be

named James Brewster!

- I know that name.

- Yeah.

- You just said James Brewster.

- I did.

I know that name.

I know that name. Hold on.

Okay, wait.

Yeah, okay.

Right here.

In "No Nose" Wenn's journal,

he wrote,

"The 17th of June, 1759.

This day ended in trouble

with a fray

betwixt James Brewster

and our good townsman.

A notorious recluse,

Brewster mainly keeps to

himself in a dreary shack

by the bog, yet always

finds cause to quarrel

whenever he can."

Yeah, he sounds like

he's related to Martin.

Yeah, this sounds like Doc.

Martin.

Wait, wait.

Okay, wait. There's more.

"Apparently, a lot of people

wanted him dead.

So much so that

Archibald "No Nose" Wenn

challenged Brewster to

a duel and k*lled him.

Whoa.

Wow, I think I just found

the Bog Man's k*ller.

I think we just solved the case!

I think we just solved the case!

You know, right?

Hey.

What is going on with you?

Are you going to die?

Because if you're going to die,

that's gonna make me

want to die.

And I'm really too young

and too cute to die.

No, I'm not gonna die.

I'm sorry if I, if I scare you.

Okay, so then what did

Martin tell you?

Um, he said I'm,

uh, double jointed.

That's it?

Look

I'm sorry

that I called you

my frisky friend.

I didn't mean that.

I mean, I did mean that.

But when I thought that

you were going to die, it just,

it made me realize that you are

more than just

some frisky friends.

So are you my girlfriend

or-or no?

Yes.

- Yeah?

- Fine.

- Okay.

- I'm your girlfriend.

Evenin', Bog Man.

Good night, Dr. Bog Man.

Uh, watch out, it's the Bog Man!

Stop.

That's, like, so sad.

We always knew

he was the saddest man alive,

and now it's like facts.

Come on.

Martin, Martin.

Are-are you okay?

I'm-I'm here to apologize.

- Oh.

- The way I spoke to you

at my office, it was wrong.

Have a good night.

Wait, uh

That's it?

- That's your apology?

- I'm not sure what else to say.

Why-why can't you

just talk to me?

I mean, tell me what

What's going on with you?

I

have a hard time

with

blood phobia.

Oh.

About blood.

A blood phobia, if you will.

Okay, um

Wow, um

This-this entire time?

Huh. But you're a doctor.

A surgeon who can't stand

the sight of blood.

I came here hoping

that I could still

practice medicine.

It's proven harder to do

than I thought.

That's why Elaine assists me

and why I act like

a lunatic every time

I try to take your blood.

I see it.

So, why tell me now?

I

I don't want to be the Bog Man.

Well your dog seems

to love you.

He's not my dog.

He sure seems like your dog.