01x04 - The Monkey and the Cat

[bunniefuu]

FEMALE VOICE-OVER: We were smelting
gold like you wouldn't believe.

Albert became a man possessed.

He decided the only way out was just
to get through it.

The routine helped but he'd never
forget the horror he'd been through.

Thankfully, no-one gave a monkey's
about the state of the gold,

they was only gonna melt it down
themselves.

56,000 is much more like it.

How was your holiday?

20 per 100 gold bars? Lovely.

Billy had a clerk on the payroll at
the bank in Fitzrovia.

Soon as the cash went in from the
gold buyer,

we'd withdraw it sharpish, before it
got clocked.

The only catch was, Billy said we
couldn't spend it...

..and we were running out of hiding
places.

We were living dangerously.

And if we were going to survive,
we'd have to get better at this.

DEEP BREATHING

Phil Pocket, here to see Clive
Cornell.

Cheers, thanks.

Clive...

For you!

What are you doing? Oh, I just, I
just wasn't sure what to bring.

How's it going?

Made any new friends?

Have you heard from my cousin Lance?

Erm, Lance, yeah, erm, so, no.

Not a dickie bird, but I've put the
word out, nothing's come back

as of yet.

Pretty weird, it's weird, innit?

How's my gold? You looking after it
for me as instructed?

Your gold is very safe.

We have something that needs taking
care of. We have a rat.

If he gets as far as giving evidence
in court, we have a problem.

By rat, do you mean...

Sidney. ..Sidney. Sidney.

Argh! Sidney.

Find him.

Exterminate him.

I'd love to, I'd love to k*ll him.

SIGHS

That's if I can find him.

But, if I do find him, Clive,
consider it done.

No, you find him and you k*ll him.
This isn't a request. It's an order.

OK. Nice.

People sleep peaceably in their beds
at night knowing that rough men

stand ready to do violence on their
behalf.

Am I one of your rough men?

It's time to find out. You with me
or not?

Oh, yeah, course I'm with you.

Course I am.

But that's if I do see him, then...

I will...

WHISPERING: ..exterminate him.

But, that's if I see him.

How's your mother, Phil?

She keeping well? Yeah, she, I mean,
yeah.

Her hips a bit... A man needs to
look after his mother.

Make sure nothing bad happens to
her.

Yeah. Go, take the flowers with you.

Yeah.

Leave the chocolates. Sorry.

The banks are starting to get
suspicious.

So Ma McTavish is advising that we
move into a new phase of cleaning
our stock.

My suggestion would be to look to
foreign clients.

Shell companies, trust schemes,
integration and layering.

Sorry, Bill, mate, I ain't got a
scoobie what you're on about,
c*ck,

you might as well be talking French.

Come with me. OK.

Now, imagine that Mick's jacket here
is our money, connected to the

smelted down stolen gold, right?

Now, it's dirty, smelly, unusable,
you couldn't give this jacket to
anyone, so,

if Mick's jacket is our money,
imagine this washing machine is an
off-shore business account.

Let's call it, er, Hotpoint Limited.

If we deposit Mick's grubby jacket
into Hotpoint Limited, give it a
good wash

add some assets, some financial
instruments, once the cycle is
finished, Mick's mucky jacket

will now be clean and he can now
wear it without fear of causing
offence to others

and, more crucially, without drawing
attention to himself. Do you
understand, Mick?

I got you, Bill, mate, but you need
to get your head round this,

when it comes to washing money, pal.

A couple of months ago I'm washing a
pair of jeans, unbeknown to me,

there's a £5 note in one of the
pockets.

When I pulled the jeans out of the
washing machine, the note's like a
bit of chewing gum,

can't use it, no use to man nor
beast, keep that in your noggin,
mate.

Walk with me, Albert.

Oh, me actually, yeah.

True, is it? Is this just on a long
wash, Bill, mate?

Oh, we're actually walking back, OK.

There is a man, The Baptist, a
high-end cleaner.

That's not his real name, is it?
It's an alias. Yeah, nickname, yeah.

He will create for you an off-shore
business account.

I've arranged to sit down with him.

Just me and the boys. No-one else.

No, just you and Natasha.

And you're going to have to perform,
this man is very particular about
who he works with

and he's the only person who can
handle the volume we have.

Yeah, I, er, just cos we always do
everything together with the boys,

er, I dunno if that's going to be an
issue but I can...

I'm sure I can work it out, I'm
just... Leave it with me, Bill,
mate.

MUSIC: Train In Vain by The Clash

# You say you stand by your man

"Tell me something, I don't
understand

# You said you loved me

# And that's a fact

# And then you left me, said you
felt trapped... #

Phil? You here?

Albert! There you are, you all
right? How you doing, mate, you all
right?

Yeah, good, you, er, busy? No, no,
not at all.

I just thought I'd come down and
just let you know that, erm,

me and Tash are gonna go for
dinner, erm, like a nice dinner

to The Savoy, erm... Oh, that's
nice.

It'd probably be a little bit weird
if you were there.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that would be weird,
yeah. No, great.

Enjoy yourself.

I can't do it, you saw straight
through me.

What? There's no flies on you. Erm,
the truth of it is, is that, erm,
Billy's asked me to go

up west to meet a money launderer
and he says he doesn't want any of
you lot there.

And I did, I wanted, I mean, I
didn't want Mick there, but I
definitely you.

Erm, and he said, "No." and... No,
no, mate it's fine. I've got some
errands to run for Clive.

All right? Yeah. Cool.

Thanks for understanding, mate.
Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

We're good, yeah?

No, I'm not good.

I should have known you'd know that
as well.

Er, I've been struggling a lot
recently. Oh, you what?

Erm, I've been having a bit of a
tough time with everything that's
gone on and...

OK. I've been suffering from the
flashbacks.

I just feel like I'm slowly losing
the person who I once was, if you
know what I mean.

I dunno, mate, er, just try to, sort
of, bury all your feelings deep down

and just try to forget about the,
sort of, trauma and guilt.

Just don't think about it.

All right?

I feel a lot better now. OK, yeah,
that's good. You just push it.

Oh, yeah, you're busy. OK. Got a
load of paperwork. Good to see you,
Phil, mate.

Yeah, mate. Thanks for
understanding, yeah. Cheers. Yeah,
push it, yeah.

Cheers, mate. Speak soon.

f*cking hell!

I can't believe you're going up
west, on a weekday.

I didn't even know you could go
up west on a week day.

Oh! Leave the big light on,
otherwise they won't go off, bless
them.

It's actually essential, if you
think about it, I don't know why
people say west.

When I think of west, I think of,
like, Ealing.

Anyway, when I told Mum the name of
that hotel

she fell off her chair, she was,
like, "How can they afford that?"

Oh, we got a good deal. What sort
of deal? How did you get that?

Oh, it was a voucher in the paper.

A voucher in the papers! What
papers, I need to get on that, I
need it.

No, don't, er, Albert, he, er, he
found it,

he does a trawl of the papers every
day in the caff,

but they've stopped doing it now,
bloody papers.

Don't know whether they're coming or
going.

Some days they're doing vouchers,
some days they're not.

Bye.

Oh, right!

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

No, all clear.

Here, what about my breath? Huh.

Oh, maybe, just keep your mouth
shut till you get a drink.

EERIE WHISTLING

Albert and Natasha Fantoni. The
Baptist.

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do?

Will you sit with me? Yeah.

GROANS

You look absolutely ravishing,
Natasha.

Oh, thank you.

Er, thank you so much for seeing us,
Mr Baptist.

Not a problem. Thanks for coming.

Did you travel far? Oh, er, Canning
Town.

Ah! I was telling The Baptist about
your portfolio, Albert.

Oh, yes, er, thank you very much, I
run a one-restaurant breakfast chain

er, on the Silvertown Road. No, I
don't think he was asking you
about...

That's my favourite bottle. Oh!
Lovely shape.

Very good year. Mm.

Ah, lovely colour.

So, auf neue freunde, to new
friends.

Oh!

Albert? Albert?

Albert, it's nice wine, isn't it,
darling.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah. It tastes like vinegar,

but, in a, in a good way.

Erm, makes you wonder how many, erm,
grapes they used to make it.

So, have you been in this line of
work long?

Since the Second World w*r. My
father monetised one hundred tonnes
of stolen n*zi gold

worth over $400 million.

The Nazis? Mm.

Yeah.

Argh!

BIRDS SINGING

Tell you what, this country air's
cleared me right out.

My nose has stopped whistling.

Listen...

WHISTLING

I can still hear it.

Yeah, it's still here a little bit.

It's getting better though.

What you doing here, anyway?

Huh? Oh, just erm, I dunno, I just,
erm, came to erm, er, get, there's a
secret stash of gold.

Secret stash of gold? Right, why
wasn't I told about that?

I'm holding the fort, I need to know
about this.

Yeah, exactly, that's why I came,
erm, it's buried deep in the corn
field.

Oi, oi! Grubs up! Here he is! Hello,
Phil, mate! What, we having a party?

Large cod, large chips, a little
pickled egg there for my boy,
Sidney.

Perfect. Phil, mate, didn't get you
anything, didn't know you were going
to be here.

but you can have anything from my
plate, you're my best pal.

What you doing? Why you here?

I try and get here as often as I
can, bring Sid a little bit of tea,

a grumble meg. You know Tash and
Albert have gone up west?

That's Albert to a T, mate.

Good man. She's a lucky girl, your
sister, boy.

I'm looking forward to a bit of a
romance myself,

once this is all over, once I'm not
living in the farm.

I've already got myself a little
sweetheart. Go on.

Darling little sort out of Everard.
Talk me through it.

Little pip nose, blue eyes, all her
own teeth, she's got to be 8 foot
six

if she's an inch, with her hair all
up and a wedge heel on.

She works at the fish market.

They've gone to see a geezer about
moving the money.

What money? Our money. What geezer?
Phil, start from the top, please,
mate.

They said they were going to go meet
a geezer about moving the money

and they said "Do not tell Mick,"
cos they didn't want you there.

And I hate secrets. I don't do it.

They pacifically said, "Don't tell
Mick"? Specifically, yes, they said
you.

They said my name? I'd go there now,
if I was you.

I am going up there now. If I wasn't
stuck here, I'd be going there
myself.

I will go there Sid and I'll say
something. You should go now and say
something.

I will go there now.

You going up there? I'm going up
there, mate. I'd definitely go up
there and say something.

I'm going to go there and say
something. Yeah, I'd say something.

They're at The Savoy. Good time
to leave. What? Get in the motor
and go now?

Yeah, probably. I am going, mate. I
hate secrets. I hate secrets, too.

They're at The Savoy. I hate
secrets. They're at The Savoy, Mick.

Tell 'em, tell 'em, I hate secrets
as well.

Unbelievable.

Let's go, dig up this gold. Come on.

I'll be out there in a minute.

Why didn't they torch the whole
thing? Maybe they got disturbed? I
mean, who knows?

This is a waste of time, Fred, like
I said, these are professional
criminals.

I don't think they're as
professional as you think.

Whats' this?

Oh, leave off, Alberto's Cafe?
Really?

I mean every criminal in the East
End of London buys a bacon sarnie
out there, every morning.

Yes, also run by Natasha Fantoni,
sister of the inside man.

Natasha Fantoni is a saint, an
absolute diamond

and I can't stress enough how much
of a fanny Albert Fantoni is.

I mean, that man would melt in a
freezer.

Well, we could put them under
surveillance, tap their phones, put
a wire on Sidney, there's options.

We got our arrests. What we need is
the gold.

Yeah, exactly, it's gotta be worth a
visit, Guv.

You want to hassle innocent people,
you should've become a f*cking
traffic warden.

Guv. Guv!

You should be in the last year's
company, Albert.

I deal with many elite figures.
Pablo Escobar 's one of our clients.

You're joking, we love his music,
don't we.

Shall we move this on to the finer
details? Well, well, well.

As I feared, as I feared.

Sorry. Want to explain yourself,
Natasha?

We was just out and then... It's a
small world, honestly.

Small world, is it? This is an
associate of yours?

Will he be joining? No, no, you've
eaten, haven't you, Michael?

No, no, no, no I'm staying around,
Tasha.

There's a lovely little bar
upstairs. How about you go up there
and...

No, no, I'm going to take the
stranger, this new bloke, I'll take
him up on his offer.

SHOUTING: Chair for Big Mick.

Hello, could you grab me a chair,
mate?

Mick Neville, part of the firm.

Albert's cousin, and all, not that
family means f*ck all to him these
days.

Thank you, my friend, I'm very
obliged to you. Scoot round.

NATASHA CLEARS HER THROAT
All right, Bill!

We're dining already. Will you be
eating?

Oh, yeah, I'll be eating, mate.
You see, my fish and chip supper...

..rudely interrupted.

Now, all I can taste in my mouth is
deceit.

Give me a steak.

Make it bloody, just pull out it's
horns and wipe it's arsehole.

Oh! Don't...

How far is it, Phil?

Er, the dogs are barking. Yeah.
Here'll do.

Here?

Where abouts? You know, anywhere
round here.

Have you not got a marker or
something? Yeah, there. Just here,
definitely.

It's here, you're going to have to
dig, er, quite deep.

That's all right by me, mate. I
know my way around a hole.

I used to go down, er, Bognor Regis,
every summer, me and Nat Nat.

We used to dig these holes on the
beach. People'd come from miles
around to see them.

Rumour has it, one of them, actually
got preserved by the National Trust
after I left.

It's all in the wrist.

New York, see, I'm out there a
couple of years back

I'm at the undercard of a boxing
fight.

I go out one night to have one of
their famous hamburgers.

You should've seen this thing, it's
the size of my head.

Massive thing, right?

I'm about to eat it up, I'm peering
over the top like this,

there's two Italian fellas and
they're laughing at me.

Straight away, they're involved.

I drop the burger, ping, ping, ping,

knock 'em both sparko.

Next morning, I'm lying in bed, I'm
having a bit of peace and quiet.

There's a banging on the door.

I answer it, there's this little,
greasy, Italian fella standing

there, he's about eight-handed.

I pull me arm back about half a
mile, and I'm about to set to work.

He's looked at me and he's gone,
now, I'm going to do the impression,

no offence here, all right, Bill?
He's like, " Argh, please, don't,
don't a hurt me."

I'm not Italian.

I thought he was Italian. How mad's
that? Anyhow, turns out this fella
is Don Delbrini.

He's head of the Delbrini crime
family.

I start running around with this
little mob,

errands, little bit of door works,
that kind of sh*t.

I'm out there for about four years,

get one of his daughters in the
family way.

Then, old mum gets ill and I gotta
come home and look after her.

But they was all saying I might be
one of the Dons of it all, but,
that's life.

There are five families active in
New York, Mr Neville.

These Delbrinis you talk of,

I've never heard of them.

Well, maybe, there's er, there might
be six families there,

you know, like er, maybe a family
you ain't heard of.

What, you calling me a liar, c*ck?

Oh! Look at the time. I've got to
call the babysitter.

Erm, maybe, you could escort me to
the phone box, Mick.

What are you talking about? What are
you going on about?

It might be nice if you... Cos she
looks like she needs a bit of help.

Trying to get rid of me, Albert?

No, Mick, I just...

I wasn't invited to this meeting.
Your presence wasn't required.

You weren't being talked to, Bill.

It seems that your friends don't
trust you, Mr Neville.

And no good can come from this.

Only lies and more secrets.

Secrets and more lies.

And your trust weakened,

and questioned.

And when you lose the trust of your
friends,

it's so difficult to fix.

You see, trust can take years to
build,

seconds to break and forever
to repair.

But in our line of work, you have to
trust a stranger in an instant.

One instance.

Just like that.

Verstehen sie?

Don't click your fingers at me at
the end of a rambling story

that goes nowhere.

If you're telling a story, and
you're holding people's attention,

have a point to it, mate. Make it
funny, like mine was.

Mick, just leave it. I'm not gonna
sit here, Albert, listening to mumbo
jumbo

from this anorak. Albert, would you
ask him to leave, please?

Mick, please... Mick. ..please.

He wants to business with you, he
does business with me.

We're friends, we're family, that
stands for something.

Been like a big sister to you, Tash.

Some things in life are just more
important than money, end of and
that's what I found

SHOUTS: Just f*ck off!

OK, point taken. Mick, please, just
leave for a sec.

No, no, you've made your point,
you've made your point, that's fine.

You, mate, take your f*cking minute
have your friends, your new life.

I'm gonna take that to go. Cheers.

My apologies for the, er... Thank
you, mate. Thank you.

SIGHS: Ah!

You know why we're here,

what do we need to do to move this
thing forward?

How deep's this gold, mate?

What's up? What you doing?

Just following orders.

Clive wants you gone.

It's not my choice.

I'm just a soldier, eh?

f*cking hell, no!

You've put me in a very difficult
situation.

Shouldn't have ratted. I didn't rat
on you, though, did I? I ratted on
Clive and Joey.

I specifically didn't rat on you
lot.

I'm an enforcer.

Clive said I could be one of his
rough men. Rough men?

Yes, rough men.

I don't know what that means, but,
just, he's a bully, mate, he's
manipulating you.

Can't you see? He's not your mate.

I'm scared.

He said he'd hurt my mum.

My mum.

Well, he's not your mate, then, is
he?

If he's gonna hurt your mum.

Just think about it.

He can't hurt your mum while he's in
prison, yeah? Yeah.

If I get my day in court, he'll stay
in prison, right?

Then we're all safe.

Yeah. That's what we all want.

Don't, don't do this, mate. You
don't wanna do this.

No. Put the g*n down, all right? OK.
Put the g*n down.

Yeah? Yeah.

SHOUTS: What the f*ck was that?

Sorry, mate. You were gonna k*ll me!

You were pointing a f*cking g*n at
me!

Yeah. f*ck me!

Jesus, tonight, Philip. Sorry, mate.

Well, I'm gonna get this gold and
we're gonna go back and we're gonna
talk about this.

That is not on.

There isn't any gold, I was, I was
going to bury you there.

You let me dig my own grave. Yeah.
That's just perfect.

Well, I am getting out of this hole.
Do you want a hand?

I've dropped my glasses.

Where are my glasses?

You got 'em? Here give me your hand.

Help me out.

PHIL GRUNTS
Get off me!

Which way is it?

FEMALE VOICE OVER: My old man used
to tell me this old East London
tale.

It was about a monkey and a cat.

It was hard to tell which was the
greatest thief.

One day, they spied some chestnuts
roasting in the ashes,

and the cunning monkey says to the
cat, "We won't go without our dinner
today,

"Your claws are better than mine,
you pull them out of the hot ashes

"and you can have half."

The cat pulled them out one by one,
burning her claws in doing so.

When she'd stolen them all, she
turned and found the monkey had
eaten every last one.

The moral of this story, a thief
cannot be trusted,

even by another thief.

Thanks!

LAUGHING

MUSIC: All Cats Are Grey by The Cure

MUSIC CONTINUES

# I never thought that I would find
myself

# In bed amongst the stones

# The columns are all men

# Begging to crush me

# No shapes sail on the dark, deep
lakes... #