01x03 - Köbi

[bunniefuu]

FLEISCHER 24-HOUR TOWING SERVICE

If there are three things

Toni Fleischer's always been good at,

it's sleeping,

procrastinating, and sleeping.

Until now.

- Hello?

- What are you doing here?

I had a nightmare.

Can I sleep in your bed?

Here?

Charly didn't have a nightmare, of course.

- Okay.

- He's never had a nightmare…

Okay.

…he just wanted to cuddle with his dad.

And so Toni learned

the first big lesson of parenthood.

No more sleep ever.

Mm!

Good morning!

I'll make breakfast.

Let's get them dollars

Let's get this money

Keep my mind on my

I keep my mind on my money

Money on my mind

I got my finger on the trigger

Stayin' on the grind

Now when I wake up in the mornin'

I gots to hit a lick

Saw the 2003 Navi'

On Spre's with a kick

Soon as my eyes see the sunshine

My thoughts is jukin' the block

Dodgin' the one time

Peep how we movin' them rocks and

Pounds of dro before I double my sh*t

I can serve 16 ounces for 6

And get back 96

A k*ller for the scrilla

Best not be stalk--

- Toni.

- Mm.

Would you look at all the creative things

your boy made us for breakfast?

- Mm.

- Spicy ketchup cream fountain,

sour snake farfalle Jell-O,

sausage water coffee.

Chocolate scrambled eggs.

How'd you sleep?

Are you serious?

I slept like a rock.

- Hm.

- Dig in.

- Yeah!

- I'm not really a breakfast guy.

Cornflakes and coffee.

Best combo.

I've been doing it all my life.

THE BEST DAD

Toni…

Charly put in a lot of effort.

Okay, I'll try just a bit.

Goddammit, that's delicious.

Scrambled eggs with chocolate.

It tastes like love in my mouth.

Speaking of love,

do you think it's A,

totally normal, or B, a little weird,

to be in love with your cousin?

Asking for a friend.

A guy in my class

made out with his cousin.

Aww.

"Konny the Cousin Kisser",

that's what they called him then.

- For years, they all made fun of him.

- Hm.

Well, where I come from,

which is Oaxaca, Mexico,

that's very normal.

You know what?

Lots of famous people in history were

married to their cousins. That's a fact.

Albert Einstein…

…Charles Darwin, my father. Heh.

- Hm.

- Okay, next topic, today's plan.

Papa, since you missed

the last 13 years of my life,

I want to do stand-up

paddleboard limbo with you.

Aww.

So, are you in?

Sadly, I don't have time. I have to write.

A hit.

Yep. Your papa's going to write a hit now.

Don't take it too hard.

Paddle board limbo's too dangerous anyway,

and you have to go to school.

I'll just clean up a bit.

Yeah, I guess I could--

Cool, thanks. Ciao.

And if someone wants me,

I'll be spending a few hours today

gloomily gazing at the view.

- Shut up, Johnny!

- Okay. Mm.

Meanwhile, our heroes had no idea that

that Mayor Veronica Ferres and her son

were cooking up a plan

to take something away from them.

An evil plan.

Of course it was an evil plan.

Look at them.

Do they look like their plans are good?

CRAP HAPPENS

'Kay. Let's get down to business.

Today everything was

supposed to be about Toni's hit.

Hit. Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit.

Supposed to be.

In 18 freaking years,

Toni hadn't finished a single song.

Now he only had two weeks,

and thanks to Charly,

he was feeling incredibly tired.

I'll just shut my eyes for one minute.

Yep. He's still got it.

The Master of Naps.

Even though his morning

wasn't exactly off to a perfect start,

Charly was really looking forward

to seeing Sascha.

Hi.

Apparently, the whole

cousin thing was a problem for her,

but Charly was ready to deal with that.

- Hi.

- Hi.

So I've been thinking…

Cool, me too. And doing some research.

GENETICS FOR DUMMIES

COUSINS SEX

Did you know that over 30%

of the internet consists of p*rn*graphy?

- Yeah, of course.

- Cool.

What I actually wanted to say is,

some might think

it's a problem we're cousins,

and I guess in our culture

it isn't really a thing,

but if we were to move to somewhere like

Mexico for example, after graduation,

- we'd be fine. And my grandpa said--

- It's over, Charly.

What?

The first heartbreak of his life.

Please, no.

But we can still be friends. Okay?

Shut up for a minute!

See?

That's the level of authority I have here.

Here, I'm practically… God.

Yeah.

So, let me introduce you

to our newest band member.

This is Köbi from Switzerland.

Yeah. Go on.

Okay. Uh… Grüezi, everybody, hi.

Um, so…

- I'm Köbi…

- Oh.

…and my folks got a divorce.

So that's why my old man brought me

to Schitten, so here we are.

And because the air here's so clean.

It's nice.

He's not having a stroke, kids.

That's how they talk.

Right, Köbi?

Now show these losers what you've got.

sh*t.

That was really cool.

Um, hi, I'm Sascha.

I'm Köbi.

Well, my friends actually call me

Köbi sometimes. Or Köbi.

Anyhow, either's fine. Köbi's fine…

Köbi? What a stupid name.

Hi, Köbi.

Hi. Really cool to meet you, Sascha.

Get your instruments.

Köbi…

Tick-tock, tick…

- Two weeks to go.

- …tock!

I don't handle pressure super well.

- And the ticking clock won't stop ticking.

- Tick-tock!

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick.

f*ck! sh*t!

Slept half the day away.

- sh*t, sh*t.

- Crap, goddammit. Crap!

Why the hell's Toni

so damn good at taking naps?

He has to start.

He wants to. He really does.

GLASS FIGURES

But instead,

he procrastinates like a boss.

Oh, oh…

SECRET FANTASIES

Sure enough, procrastinating

actually helped. As always.

12 STEPS TO BECOMING A RAP GOD

- Huso?

- A VHS he'd asked for as a birthday gift.

"Twelve Steps to Becoming a Rap God."

Could he find

what he'd desperately been looking for,

for what felt like a solid ten minutes,

on this lousy retro rap guide?

So yeah, the cow actually ate my shoe.

And then I hopped all the way

to the top of the mountain on one leg.

And when we came back down

three days later,

my shoe was just lying there on the grass.

Charly was jealous for the first time.

The stupid cow shat the shoe out,

just like that.

And look, it's completely fine.

Unfortunately, he couldn't

think of anything better than…

- It's crazy.

- Yeah, so crazy.

I have a pet duck now, check it out.

Oh, it seems so happy.

- Mm-hmm.

- I've always wanted a pet too.

However, I'm allergic

to nearly all kinds of critters.

Did he just say

he's allergic all kinds of critters?

Yeah, especially dogs, actually.

Allergic to dogs.

You're so sensitive, Köbi.

I gotta go help my mom.

She owns a jail.

- Cool.

- See you, Köbi.

See you around, Sascha.

Charly was certain:

he had to get rid of his Swiss rival.

Oh, uh… Hey, Charly, um…

Tell me, what do cool guys like you

do in Schitten for fun?

And is there a local alpenhorn venue?

And this was his chance.

Well…

Sascha and I hang out

at the abandoned hangar lot. Um…

- Oh.

- You should come by sometime.

Hang out?

No, hangar.

- Okay, well, that's really nice, thanks.

- Hm.

I'm sure we're gonna be best friends.

Sure, Köbi.

Okay, see you in a bit then.

Here's what Charly didn't tell Köbi.

No one who wasn't suicidal

ever hung out there.

After the big

animal shelter breakout in 2001,

a bunch of wild dogs

created their own little society

on the abandoned hangar lot…

…kinda like Planet of the Apes,

only with dogs.

Charly.

What kind of evil laugh is that?

This is a true evil laugh.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

- Mr. Paule…

- See you.

Heh. That was good.

Oh, right, the hospital, I forgot.

RAP GOD

Twelve Steps to Becoming a Rap God.

What up, kids? It's your boy, Huso,

your favorite hip-hop hand puppet.

Yeah!

Huso the hip-hop hand puppet

was a big deal in '90s German rap.

But after a meteoric rise,

millions of record sales

and tons of ad deals,

came the inevitable downfall.

- Drugs, scandals…

- Hey, stop filming me, as*h*le!

…and as a final Hail Mary,

rap tutorial videos.

Toni couldn't remember

exactly what Huso's tips were,

but he did remember thinking

they were pure genius back then.

Are you all ready?

- Yeah!

- Woo-hoo!

Just follow my 12 steps

and become a real-deal rapper!

RAPPERS

Step one of my twelve-step program:

tidy up your room.

JOHNNY'S JUNK

Step two.

Rapping with a friend is a lot more fun.

So go fetch yourself a buddy

and get started.

Hold still.

Gangsta? You're a baby duck.

Yeah, Tupac's gangsta!

Aight, now for step three…

Oh.

- Awesome! Whoo!

- Huso?

Okay, now go and find your mother's purse,

snatch 100 German marks

and send them to Huso Hoffmann,

23 A Flow Avenue.

- Go, go, go, go!

- Not this time, Huso. Not doing it.

If you wanna write

an iconic and catchy rap song,

and I mean a real hit,

there's just one thing you need.

- Oh!

- And that thing is

the--

Huso? No.

- Info time for the Gen Zers.

- Huso!

GRANDPA'S BURIAL

Ten million years ago,

back in the VHS days,

if you didn't do this,

you'd probably end up

recording over what was on the tape.

Which is exactly what Toni did with…

Armageddon.

Armageddon.

An asteroid is heading for Earth,

and the Americans fly off to save us all.

Ah, the good old days.

Don't want to close my eyes

It was the first movie

Toni had ever seen in a theater,

and he went on to watch it

a record-breaking 819 more times.

Even when I dream of you

Bruce!

Oh God!

TANNING SALON

While Toni procrastinated

with the Hollywood blockbuster,

Charly was on his way to meet Sascha.

With Köbi was out of the way,

he wanted to give it another try.

POLICE & PEDICURES

So he went to the police station,

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL

which, due to budget cuts,

was downsized so much

that in the end, only Nancy was left.

And to top it all off,

she had to share it with a nail salon.

That's the last time, hear me, Vladimir?

Da. Thank you, Officer Fleischer.

Hello, Aunt Nancy.

Hello, Charly.

Is Sascha here?

Ah. You've met?

At school.

And now you know you're cousins, right?

Isn't that great?

Sure.

She's over there.

Hey, cell five! You've got a visitor!

Don't try anything!

I've always wanted to say that.

It's an awesome line.

Mm-hmm.

Sadly, there are hardly

any real prisoners or crimes.

But the police station/nail

salon wasn't the only one cutting costs.

The Veronica Ferres way of life

eats money for breakfast.

But now the solution to all her financial

problems was suddenly within reach,

and Ferres had no time to waste.

dog barking]

Hello?

This is Veronica Ferres, your mayor.

I'm sorry for your loss, Johnny Carrera.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

How are you doing?

Well, I miss Wera.

All the books we started

but never finished reading…

My only consolation is that my son

and my grandson are visiting right now.

Johnny Carrera,

I understand you're the sole heir

to Wera's beautiful property.

Is that true?

Including the vegetable garden?

- Yes.

- I'd like to buy it from you.

- For my sweet son.

- For me?

Aww…

And I'm offering you…

SCHITTEN CAPITAL BANK

PROPERTY TRANSFER - LOTS OF MONEY

…a really huge check.

But that check is far too huge.

That does sound like a really huge check.

Yep, anything for my son.

Hmm…

All right, I guess I should--

Don't you dare, Johnny Carrera!

Oh! Oh, oh…

Down here.

Ahh!

You can't go through with it,

Johnny Carrera.

Don't sell, she's up to no good.

Hello?

Don't act suspicious.

Hello? Uh…

Johnny, are you okay?

I… can't go through with this, Miss Mayor.

Uh… If it's about the amount,

well, I have even huger checks.

Even huger?

Sorry, I can't sell.

Hello? Hello?

You did well, Johnny Carrera.

I'll be back soon.

Oh.

Oh…

She'll be back.

Aww.

- as*h*le.

- Don't be angry, Mama.

I'm good, I don't need that place at all.

It is not for you, you idiot.

It's not?

So what do we do now?

We'll just keep stealing

it from them in secret.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

TOWN HALL

Now, that's an evil laugh!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Did you know that Albert Einstein

was married to his cousin?

Yeah.

Oh.

Did you know Charles Darwin married

his cousin and had ten kids with her?

Yeah, sure.

But Charles Darwin's first child, Annie,

happened to die when she was ten.

Mary, the third, died right after birth.

The tenth, Charles Junior, died at two.

And all the others had their own issues.

I love you. You're so smart.

Charly, it's over.

Just deal with it.

Okay?

Okay.

Falcon to Mole!

Falcon to Mole! Falcon to Mole. Over.

Hunter Harald.

A case for Nancy!

Mole here, over.

Uh, 3B-17 spotted in quadrant 87.

Proposing Operation Moonlight

and requesting authorization. Over.

Harald, I don't know

what your codes mean, over.

I found an injured rabbit

by the old hangar lot.

By the hangar lot?

Spotted a massive wild dog.

Foam around mouth. Probably rabies. Over.

Rabies?

Requesting napalm deployment.

Harald, it's a restricted area out there.

You're in for a big ticket.

We have to b*mb them or we're done.

They're going to k*ll us!

Charly just wanted

to give Köbi a little scare.

But rabies?

Ahh!

I know what you did, kid.

And tell your mom

I need an appointment for a haircut!

POLICE & PEDICURES

Charly had to save Köbi,

but he couldn't do it alone.

Best film ever.

Fine, I'll get back to writing.

That's enough procrastinating now.

All right. It's time to write a hit.

- Papa, I need your help.

- Right now?

Right now, yes!

And it's a matter of life or death!

Dog hair allergy?

Yeah.

Köbi. What kinda freak

names their kid Köbi?

Okay, so now Köbi might die because you

wanna keep making out with your cousin.

C'mon, don't put it like that, Papa.

It's not that horrible.

It is. I screwed up bad.

We'll save him, don't worry.

I'm Konny.

What's that?

I'm Konny the Cousin Kisser.

Really?

Yeah. That's my middle name.

Anton Kornelius Fleischer.

What kind of freak

names their kid Kornelius?

Hey…

And your cousin?

She's your mother.

Sike, man!

Oh, your face.

Sascha!

Charly! It's me, Köbi.

DOGS RUNNING LOOSE

BEWARE

ASSFACE

(DUDE TRYING TO BE MY FATHER)

Ugh.

Johnny?

Hey, you two!

What are you up to?

Father-son stuff.

Oh, father-son stuff!

That's nice.

Um, so, listen, um…

…the Mayor, you know?

And she wanted to just to have a ser…

- Johnny?

- …the house…

- …and then I said--

- Johnny!

- I can't hear you.

- …go thr…

Can you hear me? Hm?

NO RECEPTION

NO RECEPTION AT ALL

Charly? Sascha?

Are you there?

Uh… This is… well,

a little creepy, actually.

Ahh!

Don't worry,

we'll save that little Swiss kid.

Köbi!

Köbi!

What a stupid name.

Köbi!

No, no!

Get away. Get away!

Leave me alone!

What happened next

was the single most

terrifying moment of Köbi's entire life.

Go away!

Go away!

Köbi!

sh*t.

- Köbi.

- Köbi!

Help! Get away!

- Help!

- Köbi!

Over there!

Köbi!

Oh my God!

- Help!

- Hi!

So cute!

- Yes, you are! You are!

- Oh!

Get away from those k*ller beasts!

Köbi, I'm so sorry.

The whole thing was a trap,

but we're here to rescue you, okay?

I can't. I can't get out of here.

It's way too dangerous.

They're everywhere, and it's all infected!

Um… Apparently he can't get out

'cause of the dog hair.

That's it! There has to be

another way to get me out of here.

Is there some other way

to get him out of here?

Yeah.

I can't breathe.

- We'll be right back.

- What?

No, please! Don't leave me alone!

NICE FAMILY LOOKING FOR

3-ROOM APARTMEN

Thanks, Papa.

Mmm…

- Sure.

- Hello? I can't breathe, guys. Really.

Okay, get in the truck.

Hold on tight, Köbi.

Charly…

Close the door nice and slow.

We won't hurt you, little friend.

Guess who had to save the day yet again?

The narrator of this story.

The voice of truth.

The one and only,

the untouchable…

Stay back!

…the great…

Tupac Fleischer.

Yep. I'm the one telling this story.

And I'm a duck, so quack-quack, b*tches.

Huh?

Looks like I still got the mojo.

Yo, I'm sorry I doubted your gangsta-ness,

little guy. totally my bad.

Now let's get that boy home.

Hey, Papa. Do you have a favorite movie?

- Armageddon.

- Uh, Arma what?

Armageddon, the best movie of all time.

- Don't tell me you don't know Armageddon.

- Can we watch it?

Sure. I could watch that movie every day.

Maybe even twice a day.

Well, that was fun. And now Armageddon?

Yeah!

Best day ever!

Best day ever.

Hm. Best Dad ever.

Ahh!

Miss Müller-Müller?

Nuh-uh. It's a pop-up version of her.

You know she's called Müller-Müller

'cause her mother wanted

to keep her surname, right?

Johnny, why do you have

a big cardboard cutout of Müller-Müller?

Oh, uh, she was here.

She came in a chopper. Ooh!

She wanted to check on your progress,

so I told her, "Toni isn't here right now,

Miss Müller-Müller."

"He's busy with some father-son stuff."

"Father-son stuff here,

father-son stuff there,

father-son stuff everywhere,

that's all Toni's been doing."

And then she got really angry and said,

"What the f*ck's wrong with him?

He has sh*t for brains, doesn't he?"

"He should be working,

why the hell isn't he?"

- Why didn't you just use your phone?

- I did, but you-you had no reception.

sh*t!

Buddy, don't get upset.

It's fine, Daddy took care of it for you.

I came up to her and said,

"Miss Müller-Müller."

"What?!" "Oh, please calm down."

"Suggestion, what if Toni…"

"Yeah?!" "…comes by your office

first thing in the morning

and sings all his nice

little songs for you personally?"

And then she left this here

to put a little pressure on you, and said,

"Tomorrow morning, 8:00, my office!

And the songs better be really good!"

J-Johnny, which songs?

Well, the ones you're always

playing around with, right?

None of them are done yet,

they're all just… junk.

Oh.

Uh, well, then that was really dumb of me.

sh*t!

Okay, I'm ready for movie night.

Goddammit, an entire day

gone straight to the garbage.

Thanks a lot, you two.

I have to write!

Ahh!

Okay