01x06 - The Intervention

[bunniefuu]

You ready to become a star, Toni?

Yeah, yeah.

CRAP HAPPENS

FLEISCHER 24H TOWING SERVICE

Hello?

Johnny!

Where are the tacos?

No one's here yet?

Who is she?

That's Doris. I couldn't cancel

the driving lesson in time, sadly.

So where are the tacos?

I have no clue.

- Miss Fleischer?

- Yes, Doris.

What tacos?

Johnny Carrera makes

the best tacos in the world.

But only at Christmas.

In Mechiko bei Kiel,

people followed the medieval tradition

of eating tacos on Christmas.

With spicy Schleswig-Holstein salsa.

Johnny brought this tradition to Schitten.

His tacos were obscenely good.

But today wasn't Christmas at all.

Man, I hate Johnny Carrera.

But I love his tacos.

I could k*ll for them.

I'm serious.

I would k*ll for them.

Believe it or not, Kaia was once charged

with a taco-related as*ault.

But that's a whole other story.

Am I interrupting?

What the is up with you?

Are you dying or something?

What? No, I was at rehearsal.

Armageddon.

I'm Bruce Willis.

- Miss Fleischer?

- Yes, Doris.

Is Bruce Willis part of the test?

For the last time, Doris, yeah!

So, where are the tacos?

No idea.

Kevin just had kidney surgery

and he's walking home so I can eat tacos,

but okay.

Sorry I'm late. I tried getting out

earlier, but it was like pulling teeth.

Get it?

Pulling teeth?

Nancy's husband, Jörg,

was a dentist, by the way.

The only dentist in all of Schitten.

Enough with your dumb jokes!

Okay.

So, uh, where are the tacos?

Where's Johnny?

Where are the tacos?

And why are these chairs

set up like this?

Forget about the tacos!

It's a trap, the tacos are a lie!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to lie, but I didn't know

how else to get you all in one room.

There are no tacos.

But… No, wait! Please.

Hear me out for a sec, and I'll make you

my Mexican Christmas delicacy. Please!

- I don't trust him.

- Should I sh**t him?

You have one minute.

Okay. That's great.

My dear family, this is an…

intervention.

For one of my kids.

A "kindervention", if you will.

Yah!

Hey, please, put the g*n down! Okay?

For-forget about the name for now.

Anyway… someone in our family

really needs our help.

I'm part of the family?

Someone who's just

consumed by work these days.

Who's absent.

Ow!

Aggressive.

Uncivilized.

Okay, yeah, I'm sorry!

Sorry I yelled at you.

I didn't mean to, Jörg.

But I haven't slept for days. I can't stop

thinking about the pink packages.

And I'm not allowed to think about them

because of the Mayor's stupid orders.

What am I supposed to do?

Nancy, honey, I… actually meant Toni.

Oh, okay.

Charly nearly drowned

in the Havel yesterday

because Toni wasn't with him.

- What?

- Is he all right?

Given the circumstances, yeah.

But if we don't stick together

as a supportive family

and get Toni to come around,

he might lose Charly, and I mean forever.

So I made T-shirts for everyone!

TONI'S RESCUE BRIGADE

Hey!

Oh!

While his family was coming

together, Toni was still feeling euphoric,

and a little high.

Nothing could ruin his good mood today.

For the first time in a long time,

Toni was happy.

Sick.

Toni was determined.

Toni was sure he'd made it.

He had the hit he needed.

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard…

- My song.

YOU'RE GONNA BE A STAR!

RICK (P.S. KAWAAA!)

Taking flight

Kawaaa!

Rick is very proud of you.

No one had ever been proud of Toni.

And don't forget,

they're going to try to drag you down.

- Yeah, man.

- Yeah.

Wait a minute, who's "they" again?

Your family.

They'll be jealous of ya.

- Kawaaa!

- Kawaaa!

- Mm.

- Mm.

Kawaaa!

Proud.

Rick is proud.

Maybe his family

would finally be proud of him too.

Dalia, I pulled it off.

I've got the hit.

Aw, how nice.

My office, now.

How fast can you get to Berlin?

- Around three hours?

- I'll give you two.

I'll send you a link

for the ticking-clock app. Don't be late!

Tick. Tock. Tick.

sh*t. Charly?

Charly?

Johnny?

Are you having a stroke?

No, I'm trying to look angry.

Where's the record? Where's Charly?

- My dear son…

- Not your son.

What's about to happen

will hurt me far more than you.

Come to the barn.

You're gonna rough me up in the barn?

No, Toni, we're not in Austria.

Come on.

This is an intervention.

Why are you all wearing

those hideous T-shirts?

My dear family.

Doris.

This might come as a shock for you,

but the ghost of your deceased mother

appeared to me recently.

What was she wearing?

Uh… She sent me on a mission, actually--

Hm. She only nags me when I see her.

Uh, okay.

What, really? You saw her too?

Yeah. I wanted to buy

a sun hat the other day.

She suddenly appeared and said,

"I may be dead, but I'm not blind.

Your head's too big for a hat like that."

So I didn't buy it.

Okay.

She gave me tips for tax returns.

She went over her stew recipes with me.

- 5'3", brown hair, discus thrower, right?

- Uh-huh.

She always comforts me when I'm sad.

- Oh.

- Hm… She gives me fitness tips.

That's nice.

Oh…

Okay, everyone can see her, then?

Well, she pulled all of us together

to help you become a better person, Toni.

Here, in my hands,

I have Rico the talking pony.

Johnny, I don't have time

for your ugly horse.

I'm going to Berlin.

You're not ugly.

Charly nearly drowned

in the Havel yesterday.

What?

He called you and asked you to come down

to the stand-up-paddle limbo championship.

- Several times.

- I-I was in the studio.

I wanna see him.

No, Teddy Bear.

He's sleeping.

Please sit down and listen to us.

My son, you are a father.

- Yeah, I know that.

- So please act like you're a father.

Mm.

- Jörg…

- Hm?

You're a father.

Maybe you could help.

What do kids want from a father?

Um, now?

Food in their mouths.

Okay. Uh, no.

Wh-What did you want

the most from your father?

For him to die.

Uh…

And his house.

Oh. And his set of teeth.

Forget it. Thank you, Jörg.

I don't care if they got out.

- Paule, you're a father… Sure, okay. Yeah.

- Yeah, one moment.

Kevin, bud, just lie there on the curb

and I'll come get you as soon as I'm done.

- Mr. Carrera.

- Mm-hm?

- I'm no doctor, how would I know?

- Yes, Doris?

It's just blood.

I'm pregnant.

I don't care, you got it.

And I don't know who the father is.

That's helpful, isn't it?

- What?

- No, Doris, not at all. But thank you.

Glad to help out.

Tick. Tock.

- Oh f*ck.

- The point is, you're a father.

And you must be there for your son.

Always. No matter what.

Johnny, I can't always be there, can I?

Yeah, that's the dilemma.

You can't, but you must.

That's what having kids is like.

Paule, what are you talking about?

You're the worst father ever.

- What makes you say that?

- You hate your son.

- I love Kevin!

- Then why are you such a d*ck to him?

Mm… To toughen him up for life.

Kevin?

You're useless. No one will ever love ya.

- Hm.

- He'll be really strong one day.

Okay, this, uh… This isn't about Paule's

super questionable parenting methods.

You didn't go to Charly

even after the doctor called you.

Hello, this is Dr. Snuts.

There was an accident in the river.

I told you last time, Charly.

Enough with these stupid pranks.

No, this is Dr. Snuts…

Snuts…

I thought it was a prank.

He said his name was Dr. Snuts,

and that voice he had was so stupid.

Your son's life is no longer at risk.

He's doing all right.

But you?

You, sir…

are just plain mean.

I didn't go to med school for this.

Not for this!

Now you've insulted

Dr. Phil D. Snuts, my God.

Okay, how does nobody get

how that sounds like a prank?

"Phil D. Snuts"?

- What's there to get?

- Ah…

Toni, you're responsible for Charly.

And I'm very worried for you.

I'm worried that you might

lose him forever if you keep this up.

Yep.

Your father is right.

Thanks.

So, now explain yourself.

Why did you steal

your mother's golden Trabi, Toni?

What?

Okay.

But don't get mad, all right?

I went to Rick Schmandtke.

Are you serious?

The President of the Supreme Court,

Rick Schmandtke?

- That is so typical of you!

- For sure.

What? No. Renowned star producer,

Rick Schmandtke.

- Rick Schmandtke?

- Oh. And?

I gave him Mom's golden Trabi

in exchange for a hit.

You did what?

You saw Rick f*cking Schmandtke

and made a hit with him, bro?

Yeah, man!

Ay. Ay, we gotta listen

to this g*dd*mn hit, dude.

No, no, no, no, no. Th-This intervention

is a rap-free zone, so… End of story.

Now listen up, Carrera!

My best friend pulled it off.

We're listening to his g*dd*mn hit.

Okay.

Toni's hit.

It was the first time

anyone would hear it.

Yeah, I'm cuckoo

Don't know how to act

And Toni was nervous.

His family was upset.

Or pissed, rather.

But suddenly…

I'm so fly

I'm so nice

The song was so good

they couldn't help but dance.

- Kawaaa!

- Wild and free, taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

- Kawaaa!

- Buzzard, buzzard, this is my…

They went totally nuts.

See? It was worth it, right?

Even Johnny could barely keep it together

as the fiery beat got to his hips.

No. Everyone, stop. Cut it out.

Stop, you guys! I have to stop the song

before it… does more damage.

Did you seriously think it was okay

to sell your mother's

most important family heirloom

for some stupid song?

Johnny, this isn't just some song.

This is the hit I've needed

and this is my moment.

But obviously, none of you get it because

you've never taken what I do seriously.

You've never taken me seriously.

But I've pulled it off.

I've made it. I finally made it.

So why can't you guys

just be proud of me for once?

Teddy Bear, how did I

screw up so badly raising you?

- Come on…

- Shame on you.

Now, sit. The intervention's not over.

Tick. Tock. Tick.

So, Rico the talking pony

will gallop around the room,

and we'll each share how we feel.

Who wants to start?

Me!

Sorry, who is this?

Twenty-four long years ago,

I gave you cash in hand

to paint a fence for me,

and you did not paint it.

You did nothing.

How much money was it, now?

Twenty marks.

Here's a ten.

Yeah, good. But I'll tell you one thing.

Cash… can't mend

the wounds inside my soul.

So that's that. Um…

Karo, honey, would you like

to say something to your brother?

It's been eight years since we spoke.

- Really?

- And I'm not going to start now.

Why not, Miss Fleischer?

He ruined my wedding.

Which one?

What the hell do you mean which one?

8 YEARS EARLIER

Okay, wedding video. Karo and Tenzin.

Camera's rolling.

Let's see those smiles.

Come on, smile!

Why isn't there any music?

- It's kinda quiet, yeah.

- He promised.

Figures.

I could sing something if--

Sit down, , or I'll k*ll you.

Just an idea.

- Where's Toni?

- Pedro, turn the camera off now.

- In a sec, in a sec.

- Oh… Oh!

Here. Here.

Oh, the baby's coming.

- That's it, breathe.

- Keep calm.

We need a doctor!

- Now for… photos.

- Breathe, dammit.

Turn the f*cking camera off now!

One sec.

For once in my life,

I asked you for something.

You just had to handle the music.

I was a couple of minutes late.

We sat at my wedding

without music for five hours!

It was supposed to be the best day

of my life, and you ruined it.

That was your fourth wedding.

And the second nicest.

You got married three times after that.

Yeah, so what about it?

Maybe you just have

terrible taste in partners.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I mean… sorry, guys,

but picking partners

isn't exactly a strength in our family.

What do you mean by that?

Nancy, Jörg is…

Is what?

A wet rag.

No, he's not.

Look at him, will ya?

- Hm.

- Hm.

See what I mean?

Has anyone seen my glasses?

You screwed up.

You left me high and dry

at my wedding without music.

- You're making this my fault?

- Look, Karo.

- I'm Kaia.

- Uh, what? Really? sh*t.

- Sorry, I--

- Uh, she's Karo. I'm Kaia.

Huh?

You don't even know

which of us is which?

- Clearly he doesn't.

- The two of them are so different.

For sure.

- Totally.

- For sure.

I always wear my hair up,

and my sister's is down.

Yeah, except today.

You can't even tell

your own sisters apart, for God's sake.

Freaking hell is wrong with you?

Why are you nagging me about all these

stupid little things today of all days?

Okay, Teddy Bear,

they're not stupid little things.

You insulted your sisters.

- I mean, Rico the talking pony…

- He even insulted me.

And while everyone was shouting at him,

Toni remembered Rick's words.

They'll be jealous of you…

…of the soaring buzzard wings

of your creativity.

And your family will try to drag you down.

Kawaaa!

Kawaaa!

Kawaaa!

Stop!

Jesus.

It's exactly like Rick said, isn't it?

You don't want me to succeed.

You secretly got together to drag me down.

What? No, my son,

that's not what's happening here.

I pulled it off, I made it.

I finally did it.

And it's exactly like it's always been.

You don't care who I am

or what I want to achieve.

You just wanna drag me down.

You have nothing better to do

than annoy me with your stories,

and I've had enough.

Toni, during my many years

in dental school,

- I've learned something that I--

- I don't have time for this guilt trip.

Let me speed things up here.

Okay, you have a problem with me

because I don't floss or whatever.

You monster.

You blame me

for all your failed relationships.

Not her.

Whatever.

You, um… I don't even know who you are.

I'm Doris.

- Good luck with your baby, Doris.

- Thank you!

You've got nothing else,

that's why you're clinging to me.

You peaked in high school

and never grew up.

Ow.

And you, you're just jealous.

Jealous? Of what?

Because I'm a buzzard.

- What exactly is a buzzard?

- Kinda like an eagle.

Why not just say eagle?

Because it's cooler, Doris!

I'm a buzzard.

And you're a ladybug.

You follow orders and do what you're told.

But I stand up for things I care about.

Sure, I don't always play by the rules,

but at least

I am doing something with myself.

That's what you think of us?

That we're not doing anything

with our lives?

You know what I mean.

I don't, actually.

What, you think you're better than us?

That we're all just freakin' hilljacks?

Pretty much.

What? I mean,

maybe you're happy

in a shitty place like this.

I'm not.

I'm done with it all.

What about me?

Hey.

Are you feeling better?

Are you also done with me?

No, of course not.

That's kinda what you said.

Did you hear my song? It's really good.

I don't care how good your stupid song is.

I don't need some rapper in my life.

What I really need is a dad.

You don't get it.

Of course Toni got it. He wasn't stupid.

But he was a rapper. With a dream.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

And Charly had never

been part of that dream.

The intervention's complete.

SENTIMENTAL GOODBYE SONGS

"This is my

right-place-at-the-right-time moment,"

Toni thought to himself.

"I've been working toward this

for 18 years."

"I have to go to Berlin now."

"I'll get my career moving,

and then I'll come back

and sort things out with Charly."

"He'll still be here later.

But my shot won't."

Do you think so too?

That I just play by the rules

and do what I'm told?

You're as trustworthy

as a ceramic filling.

That's what matters, sweetie.

JUNKYARD 4 KM

What's there to talk about?

"It was just like back then," he thought.

"Whatever. I'll come back as a star."

"But this time for real.

And nothing will stop me."

NOOOO!!!

What?

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL

But Toni's determined departure

left its mark.

(CHILD WHINES)

DAD…?!

Nancy was deeply hurt by Toni's words.

"I'm not some ladybug that

just does what it's told," she thought.

"I can listen to my heart too."

Nancy immediately thought…

"The mayor has to hear about this."

And deep down, she was hoping to get

a nice dose of Ferres' love and praise

for her huge discovery.

What a wonderful birthday.

My birthday's in June.

My birthday.

Oh, damn it.

Miss Mayor, excuse me.

May I have a moment

of your very valuable time?

You have one minute.

I followed my heart today, Mayor.

Why would you do something like that?

Hm.

I examined this substance

with the Addiction Master 3000.

What?

I have reason to believe

it's a new kind of addictive substance

produced right here in Schitten.

I believe I said no investigations.

Yeah, but I can't just sit and watch

as our wonderful Schitten turns into

a filthy hellhole like Berlin, right?

Well, you're fired.

What?

I said you're fired! Get out of my sight!

Mm.

Yes, ma'am.

I'll give you the real ones tomorrow.

It has been an honor to serve you.

Oh, and I got this

for your birthday, Sergej.

Oh.

Cutie Heart headquarters.

The heart of the German rap business.

For half his life, Toni had dreamed of

walking in here with a hit in his hands.

Ave Maria

Gratia plena

Good luck with the audition.

Thank you, bro.

The moment of truth had come.

Higher, higher, higher

We want to lift you higher

- Kawaaa!

- Higher, higher, higher

We want to lift you higher

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Kawaaa!

Buzzard, buzzard, this is my advice

- Kawaaa!

- Wild and free, taking flight

Buzzard's come

To take you to new heights

Kawaaa! Kawaaa! Kawaaa!

I'm so fly, I'm so nice

Toni…

Bringing you in was a gamble.

Dalia… I can always go back to Rick.

I-I-I'll just drive over

to his place, and…

This isn't a hit.

What? What? No, no, no, no, no, wait--

This thing, this very song we just heard…

it's a super hit!

What?

It's exactly what we wanted to hear.

Huh?

I was just messing with you, man.

The song is perfect!

Toni?

Don't talk to me I ain't got no time

Runnin' through the hood

With an oat flat white

Swag!

Another block headed

For G*ntrification

New housing, glossy windows

Glorification

Until their walls get sprayed

With graffiti-fication

On their front porch

Is where I left defecation

Going in circles, no control

Where did the remote go?

Where? Where? Where?

Roadblock can't change

The deepest, darkest channels in my mind

There ain't no way

- A sign of the times

- Times are changing

Combined to design the divine

An assignment

Through everyday grindin'

I climb on a rugged incline

Stream your spine

To find a place

In the shadows to shine

Tryin' to make it down these roads

At a stop

We're at a stop

- Policeman says, "Stop"

- Stop

- But I won't stop

- Stop

Stop

- Gotta make it work

- Stop

I'm just out here

Tryin' to make it work

Nonstop

It's gridlock

Crazy gridlock

Traffic jam