01x09 - Armageddon

[bunniefuu]

Am I happy?

Yeah. I am, yeah.

A few weeks ago I gave up my dream

of becoming a big-time rapper.

I moved back to Schitten

to focus on my family.

Best decision of my life.

What an adventure.

I've been doing some honest work…

Ow!

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL THEATER

…and finally spending

some quality time with my son.

Watch out, folks!

ASTEROID UP

Asteroid flying.

THE BEST DAD

(IN & AROUND SCHITTEN)

Schitten for life.

FERRES FOR SCHITTEN

What could be better than that?

Everyone smile!

Yep, I'm happy.

So happy.

I meant, happy with the new couch?

Oh right.

Yeah.

And what you're saying isn't even true.

You're not happy. We can all see that.

You were the only one

who didn't smile in the family picture.

I'm happy. Really.

Papa, it's so nice that you chose me,

but just admit it, will you?

Admit what?

That you miss rapping.

So Toni started thinking

about the past few weeks.

You're a piece of sh*t, Toni Fleischer!

Of course he missed rapping.

Toni missed rapping

more than anything else.

But he made a choice.

He chose Schitten, he chose Charly.

And he wanted to think it was all great.

I don't miss anything, okay?

- You--

- Don't miss anything.

Everything's great. My life's great.

Schitten's great. Great, great, great.

He hoped that by saying it

often enough, it'd eventually come true.

This is great.

I mean, I love it, this is great.

Great. Really great.

Quit hassling me!

Um…

I love the couch!

It's very nice.

Yup.

We need a solution for this.

I wanted my papa to choose me.

But that was wrong.

He's unhappy and he misses rapping.

And there's only one person

who can help him now.

This is Mr. Paule.

Toni's best friend.

Please, sir.

We're begging you to come

to the premiere of our school play

and give my papa one last chance.

No.

Charly…

close your eyes for a sec, please.

CRAP HAPPENS

News from Schitten

Advertisement.

Veronica Ferres presents…

the children of

the Veronica Ferres Comprehensive School.

Our Shining Sun.

One crew.

One mission.

Tonight.

The event that

everyone's been waiting for.

Armageddon.

Adapted and directed by…

…Mr. Paule.

Sponsored by Veronica Ferres.

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL THEATER

TODAY: ARMAGEDDON

TOMORROW: THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW

The day of the premiere was here.

SOLD OU

Careful under the asteroid.

One hour until showtime!

Not here, you idiots!

Preparations were in full swing.

Check this out.

This one moves the asteroid.

This one?

This makes it crash onto stage.

But we're not doing that,

because of Kevin's "accident."

Mr. Toni? Soundcheck time, okay?

Yeah.

And Toni did

what people in his family always did

whenever things got hard.

Toni! Toni! Toni!

Test, test.

- He buried his feelings.

- Microphone's ready.

But Charly was ready

to force him into happiness tonight.

All according to plan?

The elk is taking a leak.

What?

Well, yeah. All good, all good.

Okay, folks, gather round.

Listen up, everyone.

We're finally premiering.

Armageddon.

Adapted and directed by me.

Paule.

And it fills me with joy,

And with pride--

Can you not pick your nose, Claudi?

Sorry, Mr. Paule.

It's no big deal.

In the Middle Ages…

…actors who failed on stage

were tied up to horses

and ripped into pieces.

What I'm trying to say is…

not everything was bad back then.

Okay.

Let's open the doors.

Toni, head over to the control console.

And you…

have fun.

Oh…

I'm so proud.

Of me.

Break a leg, champ.

Where's Grandpa Johnny?

I mean, he said he wanted to come by

before the show starts.

Charly had good reason to worry.

The asparagus season was over,

but a person like Veronica Ferres would

never let a harvest cycle hold her back.

They've already harvested it all.

Not a single blue asparagus left?

So what's the Mayor's next move, then?

That's what I'm wondering too.

Okay. Nancy-Pants,

can you wonder a bit faster,

'cause we're running late for the play,

and Charly has a tip-top plan

for Toni actually, y'know?

I don't believe it.

Get outta here! Get lost!

Argh!

Those b*stards.

Hello there.

Oh!

Apart from Johnny and Nancy,

all of Schitten was there.

Nance-mouse, it's me again.

Do you still love me?

Please call me back, I'm worried.

Everyone was there.

I say, with Dr. Snuts,

what you see is what you get.

Oh, sure.

I gave him 20 marks! Can you believe that?

What? That's almost 15 francs!

That's unbelievable.

Oh, Tropical Island?

- No.

- Here?

Well, Tropical Island changed my life.

Oh.

I have Tropical athlete's foot.

Have you seen Nancy? I can't reach her.

- Mm-mm.

- I'm Doris.

Hi, Doris.

As with every school play,

the audience expected nothing less

than groundbreaking entertainment.

Theater just sucks .

Yeah, man.

Actors yammering about feelings.

theater, feelings.

And the icing on the cake,

if things went according to Charly's plan,

would be Toni's performance.

But Toni himself didn't know

anything about that yet.

Woo…

Bang.

Baaang.

I am the Earth.

Aw.

Long ago, back when dinosaurs still roamed

the forests of this fertile planet…

- Stupid.

- So dumb.

…a chunk of rock…

almost ten kilometers in diameter

brought everything to an end.

Ouch!

Upon impact, it unleashed

the energy of 10,000 atomic bombs.

So many wonderful bombs.

It happened once,

and it will happen again.

There's just one question: when?

- When?

- The answer is…

now.

A massive asteroid

is barreling toward Earth.

Wow.

And once again, only a team

of American heroes can save the world.

All right, Mr. President.

So in short, you want me and my boys

to fly up to the asteroid,

drill a hole in it,

blow it up,

and save the whole g*dd*mn planet?

Yeah.

Great.

So let's get to work. We have a lot to do.

Nancy, where are you?

Things are heating up here.

TOWN HALL

- That home-baked?

- Mm-hmm.

Way to go, Stefan.

Yeah.

You first.

Come here!

No, no!

Whiskey?

Looks like it.

Do you want a glass?

Uh… Oh, no, thank you.

When I drink,

I turn into a different person.

A really annoying person, don't ask.

Really, really annoying.

Let's cut to the chase, Johnny Carrera.

- Oh, okay.

- Those piss-drinking Berliners

are buying up all our asparagus.

We can't keep up with the orders.

I'm gonna have to start planting

on a large scale right away.

Uh-huh.

We tried growing it in the lab.

It didn't work, unfortunately.

Why does it make your urine odorless?

What's the secret behind this asparagus?

What do you do to it?!

Uh… I really don't know.

Goddammit.

I've tried everything.

I'm…

I'm a nervous wreck.

I'm… I'm terribly sorry.

But please don't cry, Mrs. Mayor.

Maybe this special asparagus

only grows on our special land.

And will you sell me

your special land, darling?

I feel honored…

erect, and really confused,

but sadly, I can't.

Fine.

So, k*ll him,

and we'll kick the family out.

Wow, that escalated quickly.

The whole town is at the theater anyway.

No one will hear him scream.

Where are you going, Mom?

I have to work.

Show my face, y'know.

Always work.

Never Sergej.

Aw, that breaks my heart. Don't you wanna

stay a little longer, please, for Sergej?

Please stay a little longer.

No.

I'm really sorry, Sergej.

Thank you, Melanie.

I'm so dead.

That was neat.

Please, please, please!

Back in the theater,

the wise words of Michael Bay

echoed from the stage.

Baby, do you think

anybody else in the world

is doing the exact same thing as us,

right this moment?

Yeah. Well, I hope so.

Otherwise what the hell

are we trying to save?

Dude, that's brilliant.

Seeing Sascha like that,

Charly felt happy for her

and Köbi for the first time.

And also a little embarrassed

that he had a thing for his cousin.

Who doesn't know the feeling?

Play for me, Ben Affleck.

Uh, yeah, okay.

I think they really like it.

Hello, it's me.

I'm here.

Dalia Müller-Müller?

Dr. Drehws? What the f*ck?

Hey, you all set?

Dr. Drehws in the audience right now, bro.

- What?

- Yeah!

Why? What's he doing here?

- What a coincidence.

- Yeah.

- Go out there and rap for him.

- What?

Well, since he's here,

might as well go on stage and rap.

Are you nuts?

- Hey, stop!

- What?

Wait, this isn't a coincidence.

You did this, didn't you?

What? Nah. Nah.

Yeah, okay. Hear me out, Toni.

- I'm your friend.

- We haven't really--

Your very best friend. Shh.

I know you. You have a gift, man.

You belong on stage.

How'd you even make that happen?

Well, Charly and I went to the label

and asked him nicely. That's all.

- Really?

- Yuh-huh.

Wait… is he tied up?

What did you do, Paule?

Are you completely insane?

Things got out of control, Toni.

Stop!

Then we carried him, me and Dalia. Uh…

We rolled him up in a carpet,

held him hostage in my garage for a while,

then brought him here to the theater.

I laid into him pretty hard, man.

Paule?

- Not now!

- Paule!

How am I supposed to go on stage

and rap now? He hates my guts!

Toni!

Listen to me. You're gonna get out there

and rap like your life depends on it.

But I don't even want to do this!

I vouched for you, man.

I left my family in the lurch.

- I took a whole lot of debts for you.

- What?

That was edited out. Forget it.

The point is,

we believe in you.

I believe in you.

Toni,

your son did all this for you.

I wish I had a lovable son like Charly.

I'm standing right here, Papa.

I wanted you to hear that.

The kid's gonna be really tough.

You're in the way, you losers!

Sorry.

Lisa, crank up the lights, goddammit!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

A battle of emotions raged in Toni's head.

Confusion, stress, a touch of hunger,

worry about his son's criminal tendencies…

He was completely overwhelmed.

But that wasn't

the only battle going on right now.

Ahh!

Sergej, listen.

You don't have to k*ll me

just because your mom wants it.

You're your own person.

You are Sergej Ferres.

Mama doesn't let me use her name.

Okay, what is it then?

Sergej?

Yes, but I mean your last name.

Licious.

Sergej Licious?

Yeah.

Sergej Licious? Really?

Wow.

I admire her three-decade,

two-continent spanning film career,

but Veronica Ferres is freaking insane.

Ahh! No, no, no!

The evening was spiraling out of control.

Thank you.

Completely.

Nearly missed the crown jewels, buddy!

Toni was at his wit's end,

thinking things couldn't

possibly get any weirder.

Until…

I could stay awake

Just to hear you breathing

…Paule showed up.

Watch you smile while you are sleepin'

While you're far away and dreamin'

I could spend my life

In this sweet surrender

I could stay lost

In this moment… forever

Where every moment spent with you

Is a moment I treasure

I don't wanna close my eyes

I don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I'd miss you, babe

And I don't wanna miss a thing

'Cause even when I dream of you

The sweetest dreams would never do

I'd still miss you, baby

And I don't wanna miss a thing

So… much… pain.

I don't wanna miss a thing…

Huh…

Am I dead?

Not yet.

Wera!

You cannot give up yet, Johnny Carrera.

Why not? I want to join you, honey.

Drink, Johnny. Drink!

Drink.

I guess I drew the shortest straw,

so I'm staying behind. To save the world!

Take care of my little Grace.

Go marry her!

Okay!

Ow!

Toni, do you hear me? On my signal,

you come out and start rapping. Okay?

Ugh!

Drink.

Ooh, whiskey.

The reason Johnny Carrera doesn't drink

is because alcohol actually

turns him into a different person.

"Johnny Liquor."

Bunga-Bunga, chubby cheeks.

A corny one-liner machine.

Choo-Choo! All aboard the Amtrak

Beer Shits. Next stop, Boozeville!

An antiquated bully.

So, I'm about

to rearrange your teeth, sucka.

And a brutal fighter.

Time to die, f*ck.

Melanie!

Oh yeah! Thanks, honey.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ahh!

YOU, VOTE FOR FERRES

All the fighting has

reduced the alcohol in my blood.

I need to keep drinking

or I won't be able to fight!

I need whiskey to survive.

Oh… Oh no!

Ow!

I was the one who called

about the duck in the tree.

24-hour towing service, Fleischer.

A duck is stuck in a tree.

You monster.

No, no, no, no, no!

Not the middle finger of death.

My sensei says it's forbidden.

As Johnny's life flashed before his eyes…

…Toni thought about what

the rest of his life should look like.

This is Harry Stamper.

A certain person's gotta come on stage

before I complete my mission.

A person who hasn't always

been nice to their son.

But this person

has learned their lesson tonight.

I've been an awful mother!

No.

Uh, nope, no, no.

I knew you loved me deep down, Papa.

Shut it, Kevin!

I actually mean…

- Toni.

- Toni's mind was racing.

If he goes out there now

and raps, and it works,

he'll lose Charly because

Charly and rap can't work.

But if he doesn't go out,

he'll never be happy because

Toni without rap doesn't work either.

Shh!

What are you supposed to rap

for a tied-up record label boss?

Come on, what are you doing?

- Ugh, it's too much pressure!

- Just keep acting.

Ah, Toni has to come on stage and rap.

Cut that out!

Or Harry Stamper will be done for good.

Hey!

Get your hands off my Papa.

Aww!

Whoa!

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL

Ahh!

Well, guess you could say

he got stamped out.

- Shut it, Johnny.

- Okay.

Wait, you were tied up, right?

How did you free yourself?

I've been married 20 years.

I'm an expert in bondage.

Sergej, you're right.

Your mother should be with you when you…

Goddammit.

You'll never take me alive.

Huh!

What a graceful way to make an exit.

- We have to follow her.

- Can't we do that later?

If we hurry, we might make it in time

to catch the finale at the theater.

Sounds good.

Ahh! Ugh!

- Come on, Toni.

- You're scaring the children!

- sh*t.

- In that moment,

Charly and Toni operated

like father and son for the first time.

Papa?

Telepathically.

Papa?

Huso? That you?

What?

No, it's Charly. Who's Huso?

Uh… Never mind.

How can I hear your thoughts?

Communicating telepathically.

- Wow, really? Cool.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, first of all, you're grounded

for kidnapping a record label boss.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

Now get out there and rap.

But what do we do if I make it

and my career takes off?

What about us?

- I won't have any time.

- I know.

It'll be f*cking exhausting.

Papa, we'll figure it out together.

Grandma likes the idea too.

Do something right for once, kid.

Go out there and rap.

Uh…

Hello.

Uh, aw yeah, straight outta Schitten

They said I'd never make it

With the rhymes that I've written

On the microphone

Escaping where I'm from

And then that's when

The fame and money would come

And yet I thought

My life was much harder

But nothing could prepare me

For being a father

Can you understand the plight

Of becoming a parent overnight?

Without a game plan

How could I do this?

My stepfather is younger than me

I insist

A real kooky dude

Sick m*therf*cker

You might call him a schmuck

But me, I call him Papa

Take care of others

Is what you gotta do

But living for myself

Was all that I knew

It's like, on this planet

Is where I landed

Orbiting around myself, goddammit

All I wanted was to fend for myself

I wouldn't listen to no one else

We're all alone together

The human race

On this lonely trip

Through outer space

FENCE PAIN

5 LITERS

On this lonely trip

Through outer space

I used to think

Schitten was really a dump

Until I realized it's the people

That makes my heart pump

Paule, you're the biggest

Clown in town

But truth is

You're the best friend that I've found

Karo, your next wedding

I'll be rapping a song

And Kaia, soon we'll be

Blowing sh*t up with your bombs

We got it covered

The policeman's my sis

Nancy's the best

Fleischers never snitch

And Jörg, my brother-in-law

I'm now admitting

You're the number one

Best dentist in Schitten

And I miss her

Although Mama is gone

But her nagging and bitching ghost

Still carries on

Gyeah, from Schitten I tried to flee

'Cause I left Schitten

Schitten never left me

Who'd have thought

That I could ever be a dad

So on your feet, Schitten

Let's give Charly a hand

All I wanted was to fend for myself

I wouldn't listen to no one else

We're all alone together

The human race

On this lonely trip

Through outer space

On this lonely trip

Through outer space

Wow.

Bravo!

Yeah!

Yeah, man!

Woo-hoo! Hell yeah!

Everyone cheered for Toni.

The entire town, and his family.

Toni! Toni! Toni!

Family.

My family.

My family is dead.

Because of Toni!

Toni!

Time for revenge.

sh*t.

Whoa, what?

sh*t!

Papa?

Papa.

Papa.

Teddy Bear!

Huh…

What a perfect evening.

And we owe all of it to only one person.

- Paule.

- What?

Paule. That play was wonderful.

Uh… Thank you?

I mean, you directed it,

acted in it, you sang.

The genius of Schitten.

Paule.

Paule, Paule, Paule!

- Paule!

- Hello…

Hello…

Hello, guys, can I just…

Oh yes, of course.

Best friend.

- Dr. Drehws…

- Mm-hmm?

Did I pull it off?

Of course.

I'll see you Monday in the studio.

Okay. Let's go to the junkyard, y'all.

Let's find to blow up!

All right!

Well, you did it.

I'm proud of you, Dad.

Thank you.

For everything.

Sorry.

- It's okay.

- Sorry, sorry.

It's good, it's good.

Let's get you home now, champ.

Don't call me that.

That should do it.

Yep, that's how the story ended.

After that, it was

your typical "ever after."

Toni was successful,

had a great time with Charly,

lived a long life, had 30 or so grandkids,

did a lot for

the duck population in Brandenburg.

You know, just good stuff all around.

As president of the Toni Fleischer

Foundation for Waterbirds

and the German Rap Monuments,

I'd like to thank you for your attention.

Take care of yourselves.

Call your parents. Be kind.

Tupac out.

Um…

Oh sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t. sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

Oh…

Giving my mom some d*ck?

Well, truth be told

You're too late, my mom's dead

Her freaking body is cold

So maybe find someone else

To ride your d*ck

I just got the call

With strikes of lightning she was hit

That's why them jokes ain't rich

But Svenni's right

I'm a fat, useless b*tch

I always thought that

One day I'd be Tupac

But nowadays

Everyone's encouraging me to stop

I left my small town

To prove that I'm an innovator

It turns out I'm just

A corny, phony imitator

When I was young and fresh

I used to spit the nicest

I guess I paid the prices

Going through midlife crisis

Now we're here again

Rapping at some world-weary kid

Myriad of raps

Although he's never had his period

My whole life I just knew

That I was gonna blow

But when you watch your life go by

That ain't the way it goes

All my life I knew

I'd be a master rapper

But my resume just says

that I make pizza faster

Believe in me?

Not even my moms

Ashamed for 10 years

I never went home

sh*t, man

Mom gave it to me straight

There was no way I would ever make it

With the rhymes that I create

But I'm still on it

Realizing that I'm a pawn

Dime a dozen, chasing a bullshit dream

Until time is gone

f*ck it

'Cause it's too late for that, y'all

I think I should just leave it all