01x06 - Mom (and Albert)

[bunniefuu]

I love movies so much,

but some movies are

more than movies.

You know,

they become a part of you.

And for me,

that's "Forrest Gump."

I mean, I think

if I could be anybody,

I'd want to be Forrest.

I just love the guy.

He's pure.

He's funny.

He's thoughtful.

He's historically important.

[thud]

And, I mean, his relationship

with his mother,

that scene at her bedside

when he's like,

"Mama, what's my destiny?"

[thud]

- [groaning]

And she says, "Forrest,

you got to find that out

for yourself."

It [thud]

It just kills me, you know.

[coughing]

[groaning]

Excuse me.

[sighs]

[groaning]

[flesh squelching]

[muffled screaming]

[grunting]

[sighs]

Sorry about that.

What was I saying?

[eerie music]

♪

[footsteps crunching lightly]

Oh, hello.

[whistling]

[rustling]

[thud]

[both screaming]

Gotcha.

[laughs]

You got to see your face.

Give me that.

Give me that.

Mom!

Wolfie.

- Stop.

Oh.

- Cut it out!

Get inside.

Open sesame.

[imitates rumbling]

Mayday! Mayday!

Pilot to tower, we have

an emergency landing

It's not an airplane, Mom.

- Coming in.

No, there's not an airplane.

No, there's not.

What is up with you?

Why are you so grumpy?

- I'm not grumpy.

I don't like you filming me.

Give me my camera.

I have been filming you since

you were pooping your pants.

This is not your camera.

It is my camera.

It is basically my camera

at this point.

I lent it to you.

What is the matter with you now?

Why are you so grumpy?

I am not grumpy, Mom.

I can become grumpy

if you would like

to keep calling me grumpy.

[sighs] Well,

did have a surprise for you.

No, no, we're not doing that.

No.

What?

I I may have to take it back.

What?

No peeking.

Not peeking.

Stop there.

Surprise.

Oh, Mom, this is nice.

- [chuckles]

This is my stuff.

Oh, my posters.

Hit play.

[Albert Natural's

"Sara Loves Her Juicy Fruit"]

[sighs]

I love this song.

I love

oh.

Oh, Mom!

Wolfie?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, he smells so good.

Hey, Mom,

what happened to Wolfie?

What happened?

Don't you remember?

When you were about six,

you had a really bad dream

one night.

And when you woke up, you had

torn his little head off,

and I put it back on for you.

Why didn't you

sew it all the way?

So you would remember

what you did.

♪

Sara looked down

I was beckoned by a smile

She grabbed me by the wrist

Hey, whose

whose bed is this?

It's a rented house.

This this is

this is not my special bed.

It came furnished.

Where are my trophies?

Where what is whose

hatboxes whose room is this?

Whose room is this?

Now you need

to just calm down.

We're going to deescalate

a little bit.

No!

No!

[thud]

[sighs]

♪

I think we have a hungry

baby wolf on our hands.

I'm not hungry.

This is your mama,

and I know what you like.

Sara loves

her Juicy Fruit ♪

Wait, did you make

a special trip to the store?

Silence of the lamb chops.

She struts

while she chews ♪

Nothing there

to slow her down ♪

[laughs]

[laughs]

- So good.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, I was a little hungry.

You think?

[chuckles]

Okay, so what's up with Wolfie?

Well, don't be mad.

I might have watched

"Forrest Gump" again.

Oh, honey, that is not

a healthy film for you.

I know, I know.

I just love it so much.

And I love Forrest.

He just he's such a great guy.

He makes friends

everywhere he goes.

And I just can't do that.

You know,

I try to make connections.

They end badly.

I kind of feel like a failure.

That's a natural feeling.

All you need is a good,

old-fashioned Mama Bear

and Wolfie jammy night.

Just the two of us?

Just like the good old days.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

This is going to be

a good night.

Yes.

Yes.

Let's get our jammies on.

Watch a trashy film.

[door shuts]

- Hey, hon.

There's a strange looking

car in the

Oh, oh, hey.

[chuckles]

I didn't

Wolfie, this is

my friend Albert.

Albert, this is

my favorite son, Wolfie.

Ah, hey, man.

It's good to meet you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[both laugh]

Man, I've I've heard

a lot about you, man.

Yeah.

- Wolfie?

Honey?

Wolfie?

[door bangs shut]

Did I

- [sighs]

Wolfie?

Oh, God.

[sighs]

This is not how

we get attention.

[branches cracking]

Hello?

You get out of there.

This is not funny.

Get out of there and come inside

and be nice to my friend.

Wolfie?

7Wolfie?

[both screaming]

Gotcha.

There he is, Alberto.

[chuckles] Hey.

Looking good, man.

- Thanks. You too, man.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Go and put on a shirt.

Why?

Because people are

going to be trying to eat.

Bother you if I have

dinner shirtless, Albert?

Oh, it's all good.

Come on.

- Albert doesn't mind.

So, Albert, tell me,

what do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a jack of all trades

kind of guy, you know.

Pretty simple.

Yeah. Yeah.

Make good money doing that?

- Yeah, I do all right.

Yeah?

What what do you

what do you make in a day,

just out of curiosity?

Oh, I don't think much

about that, you know.

But, hey, what do you do?

I'm a filmmaker, Albert.

Really?

- Yeah.

Oh, man.

You know

[chuckles]

I always wanted to try

my hand at you know, but

Really?

- Yeah.

Mom, Albert wants

to be a filmmaker.

[chuckles]

It's interesting

because I am often

looking for collaborators.

Pretty high turnover rate

in my profession,

and I pay

a pretty good rate, Albert.

I actually pay $1,000 a day

for someone to come film me.

Ooh.

- Yeah.

I don't know if you're

interested in trying it,

but I could I could teach you.

It's not rocket science.

I mean,

I can give you the camera.

I can show you

how to do it tonight.

No, no, no, no.

Bad idea.

[laughs]

You guys are cute together.

Look at you guys,

little lovebirds.

Little lovebirds.

How did you guys meet?

What's the story?

I want the meet cute.

Give it to me.

- Uh, the classic tale.

You know,

she saw an advert I had

posted up in the bulletin board

down in the town, you know.

And she had a plumbing issue,

and I took care of it.

And one thing led to another,

and here we are.

Yeah.

Great.

Yeah.

What thing was that, Albert?

I'm sorry?

Wolfie.

What?

I'm just curious.

Albert said

one thing led to another.

I'm just curious

what the thing was.

Um

You guys are being

super awkward right now.

I'm just trying

to be included here

and figure out where you guys

are at in this relationship.

Okay.

I mean, what are we doing?

Are we holding hands?

Are we kissing?

Are we in second base,

third base mode?

Are we wait a minute.

Are we fornicating?

Are we sleeping

in the same room?

No, we're not.

Not fornicating, huh?

We're not sleeping

in the same room.

I have sleep apnea.

I sleep in the guest room

downstairs.

Well, isn't that interesting.

So Albert sleeps in my room

in my special bed?

Oh, so now

it's your special bed?

Yes, it is

my special bed, Mother.

Yes, it is my special bed.

And since it's my bed,

I would like to know

what happens in my special bed.

Wolfie.

- Oh, don't you Wolfie me.

We tell each other

everything, right?

No secrets, Mom.

No matter what.

Go ahead.

What what happens

in my special bed?

[silverware clatters]

Everything happens

in your special bed.

You remember when we watched

"91/2 Weeks" together?

Yes.

I'm living "91/2 Weeks"

52 weeks out of the year.

Well, I think

that is wonderful.

And I am very happy for you two.

So don't ask me anything

about what he does

to my breasts.

[laughter]

Wow.

Wow.

What?

You just crossed the line,

and you know it.

Those breasts are sacred to me,

and you're going to

whip them out at the table

and wield them as weapons

of w*r against me?

You're just going to give them

away to the first plumber

that comes along?

No offense, Albert.

You seem like a really nice guy.

But you breastfed me

for six years.

You made me addicted to them.

Wow, Mom!

Wow!

What are you even,

like, talking about?

I never breastfed you.

Oh, don't don't start.

I never did.

You were too aggressive.

Shut up!

Shut up!

Oh, you were, like,

biting and tugging.

You made me bleed, okay?

I couldn't breastfeed you.

I wanted to,

but I couldn't, okay?

I'm sorry.

You know, I noticed

that you have a rear

right rear axle

that's sitting kind of low.

You got a jack?

I can probably fix that for you.

Let's do it, Albert.

Excellent.

Let's do it.

Know what's funny, Albert?

What's that?

Albert Natural is

my favorite band.

And here you are,

my new favorite friend,

and your name is Albert.

Yeah, it's crazy.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm getting the jack out.

The jack's in the trunk?

Uh, yeah,

it's generally in the trunk.

Huh.

Okay.

[keys jingling]

Okay, now, you're probably

thinking one of three things

right now, Albert.

The first one,

you'd like to be true.

But, I mean, let's face it.

We both know

we're awake right now.

It's not a dream, okay?

The second thing,

you'd really like to be true,

but even the most

elaborate of pranks,

they're not this elaborate.

And the third thing

is exactly what it is.

But I don't want you

to be worried.

It's going to be okay.

This isn't the first time

it's happened.

It won't be the last.

Okay?

You may have found out

about this a little early

in our relationship

than I anticipated,

but it's not a bad thing,

because if your relationship

with my mother is headed

where I think it's headed,

you're going to be

my new dad, Albert.

And this is going

to be something

you're going to need to know

Albert, Albert, stay with me.

Hey, hey, right here.

This is one

very important thing, okay?

Very important.

Mama Bear cannot

know about this.

She is too sensitive.

Boys.

What what is going on out here?

Nothing.

What's taking so long?

The dessert is ready.

It's getting cold.

Albert, you want to come in

for some cobbler?

Huh?

Cobbler.

Come on in soon.

Yeah, we'll be right in.

Okay.

Love you, Mom.

Hey, hon.

Hey, hon, I

I need to talk to you.

What is wrong, Albert?

I I think there's

a problem with your son.

He's a very complicated boy.

No, no, no.

I mean I mean, a real problem.

Well, you know, in fact,

he does have a a tendency

to be just a teensy little bit

conflicted about new men

in my life,

which is why I didn't tell him

about you up front.

But I think

he's now mature enough

to not get confrontational.

No, no.

You're you're not hearing me.

I I think

your son might have

k*lled someone.

[laughs] What?

I opened the trunk

to his car and

[thud]

[exclaims]

Wolfie!

What did you do?

I liked him.

I liked him too.

Then why did you do that?

It's complicated.

It is very, very naughty

and messy.

This is on you.

You're digging this one

all by yourself.

That's right, mister.

Fine. I'll dig the hole.

I don't care.

What does this

remind you of, Mom?

It's like Forrest and Bubba.

"I gotta find Bubba."

[chain clanking]

Maybe a little

help here, please?

Nope.

Thank you.

[clanking]

Chop, chop.

When did you dig this?

Remember when I said I went

to the bathroom earlier?

I didn't go to the bathroom.

My naughty, naughty boy.

You know

[laughs]

Look, in fairness,

I didn't know jacks are kept

in the trunk.

Like, you did all the car stuff.

I didn't you didn't

teach me any of that.

And he was the one

who kept insisting

to get in there in the first place. I wasn't

even planning on doing it this early.

Yeah, but you didn't

have to give him the keys.

You did not have to do that.

You know what?

You're right.

Thank you for that.

I'm sorry.

I just I struggle

with the new men.

I always have.

Don't walk away.

Where are you going?

It's time to say goodbye

to my Albert.

L'amour, l'amour.

Do you remember when I was 10,

and you were trying to get me

into that good school,

and they didn't think

I was good enough?

And you invited

that principal over.

And you served him

lamb chops and red wine.

And you told me to go outside

and play in the woods

until you came and got me.

I was naughty that night, Mama.

I stayed on the porch.

And I listened.

I heard what you did

with that man.

I heard his deep,

orgasmic grunting.

[grunting]

I was just a poor Southern boy,

braces on my legs

and a substandard IQ.

Wolfie!

- What what?

You're doing it again.

Doing what?

- You're misremembering.

That's a scene

from "Forrest Gump."

No, it's not.

[scoffs]

Oh, right.

Could it be both, though?

Could it be

"Forrest Gump" and us?

[sighs] Oh, honey.

I'm sorry I never told you

about the breastfeeding.

Okay?

I knew how you felt

about my girls.

I didn't want to break

your little heart.

You think it's too late

for us, Mom?

I don't know.

We're pretty different

kind of people.

We're never going to have

a normal life.

No, not that. I mean

[breathes deeply]

Do you think

it's too late for us?

[breathing heavily]

[humming]

[both humming]

[sinister music]