♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
[ALL] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
[ALL] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
[♪ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
reporting live from the
historic Quahog Playhouse,
formerly the Bitcoin Center,
formerly the Enron Arena, formerly
the Lead-Based Paint Pavilion,
formerly the Chesterton Cigarettes Hall,
formerly Captain Jerry's
sl*ve Auctionarium.
Yep, lot of history here, folks.
But this beloved landmark
was about to close
until a local woman without a job,
who calls herself a
"community activist,"
decided to mount three
plays to try to save it.
Hello, everyone. As many of you
know, I am a community activist.
Tonight, we'll be performing three plays
to save this local treasure that
none of us supported while it was open.
But we can't let our fear of
COVID shutter another business.
[MAN COUGHS]
Oh, crap, everybody
out! This isn't worth it!
[MAN] It's not COVID. I have black lung!
Oh, thank God. I
thought it was something
that could affect the rest of us.
So, without further ado, please enjoy
our first play, To k*ll a Mockingbird.
A searing portrait of
the Jim Crow South that,
from Harper Lee to Aaron Sorkin,
no Black person has ever been
allowed to work on. Not once!
Okay, let's do this! Places, everybody.
As they say in the theater,
break an L-3 vertebra!
I'm so glad I saved my Colonel
Sanders Halloween costume.
And listen, I don't wanna
make anybody nervous,
but I just found out an agent is here.
From Allstate. We play this right,
we're all gonna get earthquake coverage.
[APPLAUDING]
Ah, the 1930s, when the
South was 90 percent porch.
- Mail for Fatticus Inch!
- Ah, yes, thank you.
Boy, I'm really schvitzin' in this heat.
Uh, okay. That'll be all, mailman.
Screw you, putz! My pharmacy
is sponsoring this play.
Anyone who claps for me gets their
Oxycontin prescription refilled,
no questions asked.
- Not you two.
- [BOTH] Aww.
The opioid crisis has
turned pharmacists into Gods.
Dad, some of the kids at school said
you're defending a Black
man accused by a white woman.
That's right, Scout.
Everyone in this country is
entitled to good legal counsel.
And they also said one time in court,
you sat on your ba*ls and fainted.
Who the hell are these kids? They
shouldn't be talking about that.
Now, hey, it's getting late.
Where's your brother, Jem?
Here I am, Pop! Uh, everybody's
already on their phones.
I'm gonna have a Patti LuPone
meltdown if a ringer goes off.
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, God, I do have to take this.
Patti, hi! No, I can talk.
Say, Scout, I see you're
playing with a new toy.
Yeah, it was left for me
in a tree by Poo Badley.
Ah, Poo Badley. A guy obsessed
with children and AR-15s.
He seems like someone I wanna leave
you alone with later in the play.
All right, let's pretend
to walk to the next scene.
[♪ MUSIC PLAYING]
Fun fact, that's the same tree
from the Wizard of Oz that the
munchkin used to hang himself.
What part of that is fun?
Munchkin.
That Black man violated me
and besmirched my virtue.
Cleveland, how could you?
You're supposed to be on my side!
And my character's name is Tom!
Can't believe I missed a
Rob Base concert for this.
And I'm his biggest fan.
Hey, yo Quahog, how many does
it take to make a thing go right?
Hey, wait, where's Cleveland?
Fatticus Inch for the
defense, Your Honor.
Now, if I may begin.
Hello to the all-white jury,
the all-white gallery,
and the very rickety segregated balcony.
Are you sure this balcony is safe?
Of course you're safe!
You think a guy like me roots for people
to fall and have
horrible spinal injuries?
Especially when my Murderball team needs
four new players for regionals.
What size jerseys are you guys...
I mean, you're safe. Totally safe!
Now, Miss Ewell, you said
my client assaulted you,
but you have a history of
telling falsehoods, do you not?
No, Mr. Inch. I have
always told the truth.
Is that right? And when
you worked at West Elm,
did you or did you not tell
me that fake leather chairs
look just as good as the real thing?
Well, so what if I did?
You know, there's a rumor that John
Rockefeller has West Elm chairs.
Objection, Your Honor! She's trying to
sell the jury terrible furniture!
Sustained!
Yes, and now that
we've established that,
you said my client gave you a
black eye with his right hand.
But that's impossible, isn't it?
'Cause everyone knows that
for the last two weeks,
he's been stuck in a
Chinese Finger Trap.
That's you!
Forgive me, Your Honor. Me play joke.
- It's the 1930s, so I can say that.
- I'll allow it.
And isn't it also true that your
father has a history of abusing you,
and also has the strongest
right arm in town?
That's outrageous! I'm so mad, I'm
gonna punch my daughter tonight!
-
- I mean...
- I mean, someone else's daughter.
- [GASPS]
I mean, a son who
disappointed me at sports.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Ah, damn it. He saved it.
God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.
Our society is blinded by prejudice.
Oh, that's so deep.
Nice armchair activism.
Are... Are you a mockingbird?
[MIMICKING] "Are you a mockingbird?"
That's how you sound, dude.
- Leave me alone.
- Fat Snoopy says what?
You little jerk! How
dare you call me that?
What're you gonna do,
- you're not gonna do anything.
- [GROWLING]
Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.
You know, this story is actually
pretty good. Now I regret banning it.
And that is why I am confident
that you will find my client not guilty.
Don't worry, we've got this in the bag.
We find the Black guy guilty.
- Aw, nuts.
- So, are they gonna k*ll me now?
Yeah, but it'll be offstage.
This play about racism is about
how it affects white people.
All right, we're done here.
Kids, why don't you walk
home together in the dark?
Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.
And remember, there's no street lights
'cause the rural South still doesn't
have electricity in this time period,
which is underratedly shocking.
It was basically North Korea!
What a horrible injustice.
God, this country is r*cist.
Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram.
You sang Gold Digger at karaoke
and you said all the words.
That's it! I'm gonna k*ll
a mockingbird! [BARKS]
I can't believe our son is in a play!
In a play?
He's in a scene where
they said the title!
All right, Scout and
Jem are walking home!
Prepare the nighttime set!
It's the "Mac Tonight" moon
from the McDonald's ads.
Created to increase dinner business.
I really like that moon.
Hey, crazy Idea... you wanna go to
McDonald's after, like, 5:00 p.m.?
There you kids are! I'm mad at your dad,
so I'm gonna stab you
to get back at him.
And I'm confident that no lunatic
will coincidently show up to stop me
because that would be very bad writing!
- Get away from those kids!
- Ow!
Poo Badley? The scary recluse?
That's right! There was never
any reason to be afraid of me.
And to prove it, I'm
gonna m*rder this guy.
[GRUNTING] Stop!
This isn't what we blocked.
Damn it, Chris, you said
you took stage combat. Ooh!
Wow. Thank you for saving us.
No problem. So let's sum up the
messages of this award-winning play.
It's good for your daughter to have
an older, physically aggressive man
follow her around, and women who
accuse men of sexual as*ault are liars.
I did it! I k*lled a mockingbird!
Nooo!
Honey, honey. He's acting.
[BRIAN GROWLS]
He's good.
[♪ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
God, did you guys read everyone's bios?
"Lois Griffin was the
body double for Amy Adams
in American Hustle."
Yeah, right. What a lying hag.
Yeah, look at this. "Glenn Quagmire
would like to thank Stella Adler?"
He never studied with Stella Adler.
[QUAGMIRE] I can still thank her,
Brian! I can still be grateful!
Hey, guys? Big news.
I just found out a manager
is here. From Panera.
We nail this, we're all
gonna get free bread bowls!
I think we have to stop getting
excited about Dad's announcements.
And now for our next play.
In the 1960s, a young
playwright named Neil Simon
posed a question...
What if Broadway could be more Jewish?
Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.
[♪ MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah, what a great day to be the
last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, Oscar. Sorry to bother you,
but I need a place to stay
because my wife just threw me out.
Aww, that's too bad, Felix. Did
she take the Nintendo Switch?
- No, I grabbed it.
- Come on in.
Oh, good. I was so scared to
ask because we're so different.
I mean, two white guys
with slightly different
standards of neatness
sharing the same apartment?
And even though we
both have solid careers
in an era of famously
depressed New York real estate,
it makes sense we should split rent.
- So that will be $40.
- What?
Yep, three months upfront.
All right, let's play
some 1960s cigar-chewy,
pulling-on-suspenders poker.
- Oh, no, I just cleaned!
- Whoops!
Oh, man, different
standards of neatness.
This is definitely a play, movie,
and three TV shows worth of comedy.
Hmm. I... I don't know.
Shouldn't the fastidious one be the
person who originally has the apartment,
not the person coming to stay there?
Who cares if their guest is neat?
Don't poke holes in the premise.
I missed Rob Base for this!
And he was touring with Tone Loc!
What's up, Quahog? Now,
tell me something...
do you like your medina
not funky and hot?
[CROWD] Nooo!
My favorite part is
the pre-song banter.
Well, time to read one of the 18
newspapers we have here in New York.
Ah, one plus of this
era is I'll never forget
how to spell the word "assassinated".
Hey, do you guys think we're
cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?
As much as I love k*lling babies,
I'm happy to be right
here in New York City.
Plus, if we were over there,
who's gonna spit on the
soldiers when they get back?
Hang on, guys. I want to turn
on the radio for the ball game
so it surprises us later in the play.
And what else is going on?
Cleveland, I hear you're
on trial for sexual as*ault?
That was the last play!
Speaking of which,
are you guys ever gonna get us down?
Uh, we're working on it, Donna.
Well, that's not good enough.
Let me handle this. As a cop,
I've had a lot of experience
stonewalling upset women.
I'll just "ma'am" her 'til she stops.
- Ma'am...
- Don't you "ma'am" me!
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
- Don't you use that cop trick.
You think I'm going away?
- I'm not going away!
- Ma'am.
- You will get us down from here!
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
You will give me answers
and if you don't...
- Ma'am.
- I will find your superior
and I will get answers from him
because I am not going to be ignored!
- I wanna get down!
- Ma'am.
Good news. The Pigeon Sisters are
coming over for dinner tonight.
They are almost 23, which means
they are desperate to get married.
And like all women of this era,
I hear the Pigeon Sisters
have pretty prominent nests.
Peter, my dad is in the audience,
all right? Please stay on book.
Also, I'm not sure I'm
ready to date again.
Oh. Is this 'cause I
only have one rubber
from the Army for the
two of us to split?
It's got some miles on it, though,
so you might wanna use
a shoelace to tie down.
I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't
think this is for me.
Damn it, Peter! None
of this is in the play!
[SIGHS] But I'll give dating a shot.
Just let me go to the
bathroom and freshen up.
Peter! Did you go in the prop toilet?
Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet!
Oh, boy, that's a biggie.
Will assistant stage manager Meg
Griffin please come to stage right?
And bring the grill tongs.
Welcome, ladies.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment,
it's a New York play and I haven't
yelled anything out my window today.
Taxi!
[ITALIAN GUY] Hey,
keep it down over there!
You keep it down!
Asking neighbors to
speak at a lower volume
is a hallmark of
apartment-based theater.
So, tell us about yourselves.
Well, we were both lobotomized
as teenagers for being willful.
Yeah, and I had a fiance, but he
was brutally k*lled in the w*r...
[ANNOUNCER ON RADIO] And it's outta
here! Home run for Mickey Mantle!
Whoa, he did it! That son-of-a-g*n!
I'm sorry, ladies, please continue.
Uh, Oscar, can we talk
privately for a moment?
Sure, just give me a second.
I just gotta use the plop sink.
Damn it, Oscar! I'm not
comfortable doing this.
It's all happening too fast for me.
I miss my wife.
What's wrong with you?
Those chicks are hot!
And they live in our building.
So when things go south,
we'll still see 'em every day.
And often for a slow,
iron-gate elevator ride.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey, did you guys know
that Picasso is still alive?
I was way off on that
by, like, 300 years.
[NEIL ARMSTRONG] That's
one small step for man...
God, this is so boring.
I'm changing the channel.
- [♪ PEPPY MUSIC PLAYS]
- Ah, here we go. The Dating Game.
We're all gonna remember
where we were when we saw this.
[WHISPERS] Hey, put the
rubber on the radiator.
Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.
So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.
Uh, that's right. And
Oscar is a sports writer.
[LAUGHS] Writers in two
totally different departments!
On the same floor, but still!
Uh, listen, you're very beautiful,
but so is the woman
who just broke my heart,
so I can't in good conscience...
You know what? This is a stupid play.
No single guy in New York would
ever turn down any kind of sex,
especially in the '60s.
Come on girls, we're going to my room.
There you go, Felix. Now
you're getting the hang of it.
Wait a minute, that's my wife!
[QUAGMIRE] It's our characters
having sex, Peter, not us.
[LOIS] Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?
[BONNIE] Yeah, we women love that!
[♪ MUSIC PLAYING]
So, you're really kicking me out, huh?
Yeah, get lost pal. I already
found a better New York roommate.
Well, I'm out!
Boo! This sucks!
No, don't heckle, Kramer!
Well, that guy over there is a...
[GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
Ah. Well, that's fitting, I guess.
Okay, I've got a medium
and an XL Murderball jersey.
Who's not feeling anything
from the waist down?
All right, and it's time for
our final play of the evening...
William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
There's something rotten in Denmark.
That's Peter's fault. The grill
tongs just broke it in half.
We're dealing with it.
Good morrow, dear Mother!
Thou wanted to seeth me on
this fine day in Denmark?
[ANNOUNCER ON RADIO]
And that ball's gone!
Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle!
Sorry, that was from
the last play, sorry.
Look, I called you in here
because I have bad news.
Your father, the king, is dead.
Well, that's quite tragic.
But I see no reason
to descend into madness
as long as thou doesn't immediately
marry someone he was related to...
So I am married his brother, Claudius.
Thou hast what?
Hey there, new stepson! Sorry I'm late,
I was dealing with some of
those jokers from Norway.
Norway is our rival.
Listen, I know things are a
little awkward, but remember,
I'm still the same uncle
you've always known,
except now I'm having sex with your mom.
[ANNOUNCER ON RADIO]
And Mantle is coming out
to tip his cap to the fans.
Sorry, second radio.
Ah, lady archers, pulling on their bows
with their overly developed triceps.
Ay, there's the rub...
He he. Classy masturbation joke, son.
Dad? But you died!
That means you're a
guh-guh-guh-guh-ghost!
Yeah, but calm down. This is
Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, I came to tell you
the truth about my death.
But first, since I'm a ghost...
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ My darlin' ♪
A lot of being a ghost
is helping people craft.
So, you said you wanted to tell
me the truth about your death.
Oh, right. Son, my
death was no accident.
I was k*lled by my brother, Claudius!
What? Everyone said your
death was your own fault.
That you ate pool
chemicals to not get COVID.
Well, yes, I do listen
to Sir Joe of Rogan.
But that's not how I
died. Claudius k*lled me
and I need you to avenge me!
- You got it, Dad!
- Great.
Also, there's a naked etching
of Beowulf under my mattress
that I need you to throw
away. Do that part first.
Oh, and I lost some money
betting on ice fishing,
so when a guy named Ivar shows up,
you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.
A hundred? I don't even have that many.
Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.
He's 5'7", which is
enormous for our time.
Also, before I died, I told your
mother I'd clean the castle eaves...
Oh, for God's sake! This
is, like, so many things!
No, it's not, I promise. Just
focus on the important stuff, okay?
So again, it's etching of Beowulf.
That's the biggie. Gotta get rid of it.
Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves,
and time permitting, revenge.
Greetings, fair Hamlet!
It is I, the king's
counsellor, Polonius!
Are you okay? You look
like you're going mad.
Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.
Also, I took a lot of fentanyl,
but I'm pretty sure
it's the "news" part.
Ah. Well, listen, there's supposed
to be heavy rains tomorrow,
and I heard you're now
the castle eaves guy...
Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?
Aah!
You d*ck. This is why
we need sword control.
I don't know. I think
the play is pretty clear
that my problem is mental health.
Now I'm supposed to give the
"to be or not to be" speech,
but I couldn't remember it,
so this is the Kurt
Russell speech from Miracle.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Great moments are born
from great opportunity.
And that's what you have tonight, boys.
That's what you've earned here tonight.
One game.
If we played 'em 12
times, they might win 11.
But not this game. Not this 12th night.
Tonight, we skate with them.
Tonight, we stay with them.
And we shut them down because we can!
Tonight, we few, we happy few,
we, band of stinky
American college students,
are the greatest hockey
team in the world!
I'm sick and tired of hearing about what
a great hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw em! This is your time!
Now go out there and take it.
[CHEERING] U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
All right, Laertes, I hear
Hamlet is plotting to k*ll me
and also doing lazy movie
references. So I need your help...
Wait, that's your costume?
They ran out of Shakespeare stuff
and I didn't know what to do!
Sorry, it's been a frustrating day.
I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot
made a surprise appearance.
Who out there likes big butts...
Hey, where's Quagmire?
Sorry, Cleveland. I'm kinda
the leader of that fan club.
Have either of you seen my phone?
I think I lost it when
I smushed Lois' kid.
Okay, it's obvious things
are going off the rails,
so we're gonna skip ahead to the end.
Claudius decides to k*ll Hamlet,
there's a lot of scheming, a
girl throws herself in the lake.
Oh... Oh, and I find a very
disturbing picture of Beowulf
and three other guys under
my husband's mattress.
[CHRIS] You said it was just Beowulf!
[PETER] It doesn't matter,
I said to get rid of it!
- En garde!
- [GRUNTING]
What the hell?
- You said you took stage combat.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Yeah, on Zoom! [GRUNTS]
[GROANS SOFTLY]
Well, that was easy.
Say your prayers, Hamlet.
I'm gonna k*ll you, and then
I'm going to the ice rink
to watch that great Soviet hockey team.
I am sick and tired
of hearing about what
a great hockey team the Soviets have!
[GRUNTS]
Audience, do you believe in miracles?
[WINCES]
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Great job, son. Now, let's
drag him behind the castle
and violate his corpse. Hamlet.
Let's give it up for the Quahog Players!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
[CHEERING]
We did it, Peter! We
saved the playhouse!
We sure did, Lois.
But the truth is, it wasn't
our plays that saved this place.
It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert
over-the-pants handiwork in theaters.
What was once a boring night
out became a celebration
as men decorated the
inside of their pants
and then fell asleep,
while women got left alone
to watch whatever the hell was
on stage that they wanted to see.
Everyone was happy.
Ay... there truly is the rub.
[♪ CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
- I mean, someone else's daughter.
- [GASPS]
I mean, a son who
disappointed me at sports.
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Ah, damn it. He saved it.
God, it's so obvious Tom is innocent.
Our society is blinded by prejudice.
Oh, that's so deep.
Nice armchair activism.
Are... Are you a mockingbird?
[MIMICKING] "Are you a mockingbird?"
That's how you sound, dude.
- Leave me alone.
- Fat Snoopy says what?
You little jerk! How
dare you call me that?
What're you gonna do,
- you're not gonna do anything.
- [GROWLING]
Yeah, Mike Tyson, sit back down.
You know, this story is actually
pretty good. Now I regret banning it.
And that is why I am confident
that you will find my client not guilty.
Don't worry, we've got this in the bag.
We find the Black guy guilty.
- Aw, nuts.
- So, are they gonna k*ll me now?
Yeah, but it'll be offstage.
This play about racism is about
how it affects white people.
All right, we're done here.
Kids, why don't you walk
home together in the dark?
Take Stab Street to Knifey Lane.
And remember, there's no street lights
'cause the rural South still doesn't
have electricity in this time period,
which is underratedly shocking.
It was basically North Korea!
What a horrible injustice.
God, this country is r*cist.
Oh, yeah? I looked up your Instagram.
You sang Gold Digger at karaoke
and you said all the words.
That's it! I'm gonna k*ll
a mockingbird! [BARKS]
I can't believe our son is in a play!
In a play?
He's in a scene where
they said the title!
All right, Scout and
Jem are walking home!
Prepare the nighttime set!
It's the "Mac Tonight" moon
from the McDonald's ads.
Created to increase dinner business.
I really like that moon.
Hey, crazy Idea... you wanna go to
McDonald's after, like, 5:00 p.m.?
There you kids are! I'm mad at your dad,
so I'm gonna stab you
to get back at him.
And I'm confident that no lunatic
will coincidently show up to stop me
because that would be very bad writing!
- Get away from those kids!
- Ow!
Poo Badley? The scary recluse?
That's right! There was never
any reason to be afraid of me.
And to prove it, I'm
gonna m*rder this guy.
[GRUNTING] Stop!
This isn't what we blocked.
Damn it, Chris, you said
you took stage combat. Ooh!
Wow. Thank you for saving us.
No problem. So let's sum up the
messages of this award-winning play.
It's good for your daughter to have
an older, physically aggressive man
follow her around, and women who
accuse men of sexual as*ault are liars.
I did it! I k*lled a mockingbird!
Nooo!
Honey, honey. He's acting.
[BRIAN GROWLS]
He's good.
[♪ INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
God, did you guys read everyone's bios?
"Lois Griffin was the
body double for Amy Adams
in American Hustle."
Yeah, right. What a lying hag.
Yeah, look at this. "Glenn Quagmire
would like to thank Stella Adler?"
He never studied with Stella Adler.
[QUAGMIRE] I can still thank her,
Brian! I can still be grateful!
Hey, guys? Big news.
I just found out a manager
is here. From Panera.
We nail this, we're all
gonna get free bread bowls!
I think we have to stop getting
excited about Dad's announcements.
And now for our next play.
In the 1960s, a young
playwright named Neil Simon
posed a question...
What if Broadway could be more Jewish?
Ladies and gentlemen, The Odd Couple.
[♪ MUSIC PLAYING]
Ah, what a great day to be the
last non-Hispanic man named Oscar.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi, Oscar. Sorry to bother you,
but I need a place to stay
because my wife just threw me out.
Aww, that's too bad, Felix. Did
she take the Nintendo Switch?
- No, I grabbed it.
- Come on in.
Oh, good. I was so scared to
ask because we're so different.
I mean, two white guys
with slightly different
standards of neatness
sharing the same apartment?
And even though we
both have solid careers
in an era of famously
depressed New York real estate,
it makes sense we should split rent.
- So that will be $40.
- What?
Yep, three months upfront.
All right, let's play
some 1960s cigar-chewy,
pulling-on-suspenders poker.
- Oh, no, I just cleaned!
- Whoops!
Oh, man, different
standards of neatness.
This is definitely a play, movie,
and three TV shows worth of comedy.
Hmm. I... I don't know.
Shouldn't the fastidious one be the
person who originally has the apartment,
not the person coming to stay there?
Who cares if their guest is neat?
Don't poke holes in the premise.
I missed Rob Base for this!
And he was touring with Tone Loc!
What's up, Quahog? Now,
tell me something...
do you like your medina
not funky and hot?
[CROWD] Nooo!
My favorite part is
the pre-song banter.
Well, time to read one of the 18
newspapers we have here in New York.
Ah, one plus of this
era is I'll never forget
how to spell the word "assassinated".
Hey, do you guys think we're
cowards for not fighting in Vietnam?
As much as I love k*lling babies,
I'm happy to be right
here in New York City.
Plus, if we were over there,
who's gonna spit on the
soldiers when they get back?
Hang on, guys. I want to turn
on the radio for the ball game
so it surprises us later in the play.
And what else is going on?
Cleveland, I hear you're
on trial for sexual as*ault?
That was the last play!
Speaking of which,
are you guys ever gonna get us down?
Uh, we're working on it, Donna.
Well, that's not good enough.
Let me handle this. As a cop,
I've had a lot of experience
stonewalling upset women.
I'll just "ma'am" her 'til she stops.
- Ma'am...
- Don't you "ma'am" me!
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
- Don't you use that cop trick.
You think I'm going away?
- I'm not going away!
- Ma'am.
- You will get us down from here!
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
You will give me answers
and if you don't...
- Ma'am.
- I will find your superior
and I will get answers from him
because I am not going to be ignored!
- I wanna get down!
- Ma'am.
Good news. The Pigeon Sisters are
coming over for dinner tonight.
They are almost 23, which means
they are desperate to get married.
And like all women of this era,
I hear the Pigeon Sisters
have pretty prominent nests.
Peter, my dad is in the audience,
all right? Please stay on book.
Also, I'm not sure I'm
ready to date again.
Oh. Is this 'cause I
only have one rubber
from the Army for the
two of us to split?
It's got some miles on it, though,
so you might wanna use
a shoelace to tie down.
I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't
think this is for me.
Damn it, Peter! None
of this is in the play!
[SIGHS] But I'll give dating a shot.
Just let me go to the
bathroom and freshen up.
Peter! Did you go in the prop toilet?
Oh, I thought you said the plop toilet!
Oh, boy, that's a biggie.
Will assistant stage manager Meg
Griffin please come to stage right?
And bring the grill tongs.
Welcome, ladies.
Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment,
it's a New York play and I haven't
yelled anything out my window today.
Taxi!
[ITALIAN GUY] Hey,
keep it down over there!
You keep it down!
Asking neighbors to
speak at a lower volume
is a hallmark of
apartment-based theater.
So, tell us about yourselves.
Well, we were both lobotomized
as teenagers for being willful.
Yeah, and I had a fiance, but he
was brutally k*lled in the w*r...
[ANNOUNCER ON RADIO] And it's outta
here! Home run for Mickey Mantle!
Whoa, he did it! That son-of-a-g*n!
I'm sorry, ladies, please continue.
Uh, Oscar, can we talk
privately for a moment?
Sure, just give me a second.
I just gotta use the plop sink.
Damn it, Oscar! I'm not
comfortable doing this.
It's all happening too fast for me.
I miss my wife.
What's wrong with you?
Those chicks are hot!
And they live in our building.
So when things go south,
we'll still see 'em every day.
And often for a slow,
iron-gate elevator ride.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
Hey, did you guys know
that Picasso is still alive?
I was way off on that
by, like, 300 years.
[NEIL ARMSTRONG] That's
one small step for man...
God, this is so boring.
I'm changing the channel.
- [♪ PEPPY MUSIC PLAYS]
- Ah, here we go. The Dating Game.
We're all gonna remember
where we were when we saw this.
[WHISPERS] Hey, put the
rubber on the radiator.
Chicks love it when the rubber's hot.
So, Felix, I hear you're a news writer.
Uh, that's right. And
Oscar is a sports writer.
[LAUGHS] Writers in two
totally different departments!
On the same floor, but still!
Uh, listen, you're very beautiful,
but so is the woman
who just broke my heart,
so I can't in good conscience...
You know what? This is a stupid play.
No single guy in New York would
ever turn down any kind of sex,
especially in the '60s.
Come on girls, we're going to my room.
There you go, Felix. Now
you're getting the hang of it.
Wait a minute, that's my wife!
[QUAGMIRE] It's our characters
having sex, Peter, not us.
[LOIS] Oh, Glenn, is that a hot rubber?
[BONNIE] Yeah, we women love that!
[♪ MUSIC PLAYING]
So, you're really kicking me out, huh?
Yeah, get lost pal. I already
found a better New York roommate.
Well, I'm out!
Boo! This sucks!
No, don't heckle, Kramer!
Well, that guy over there is a...
[GRUNTS]
[GROANING]
Ah. Well, that's fitting, I guess.
Okay, I've got a medium
and an XL Murderball jersey.
Who's not feeling anything
from the waist down?
All right, and it's time for
our final play of the evening...
William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
There's something rotten in Denmark.
That's Peter's fault. The grill
tongs just broke it in half.
We're dealing with it.
Good morrow, dear Mother!
Thou wanted to seeth me on
this fine day in Denmark?
[ANNOUNCER ON RADIO]
And that ball's gone!
Home run number 500 for Mickey Mantle!
Sorry, that was from
the last play, sorry.
Look, I called you in here
because I have bad news.
Your father, the king, is dead.
Well, that's quite tragic.
But I see no reason
to descend into madness
as long as thou doesn't immediately
marry someone he was related to...
So I am married his brother, Claudius.
Thou hast what?
Hey there, new stepson! Sorry I'm late,
I was dealing with some of
those jokers from Norway.
Norway is our rival.
Listen, I know things are a
little awkward, but remember,
I'm still the same uncle
you've always known,
except now I'm having sex with your mom.
[ANNOUNCER ON RADIO]
And Mantle is coming out
to tip his cap to the fans.
Sorry, second radio.
Ah, lady archers, pulling on their bows
with their overly developed triceps.
Ay, there's the rub...
He he. Classy masturbation joke, son.
Dad? But you died!
That means you're a
guh-guh-guh-guh-ghost!
Yeah, but calm down. This is
Shakespeare, not Scooby Doo.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, I came to tell you
the truth about my death.
But first, since I'm a ghost...
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ My darlin' ♪
A lot of being a ghost
is helping people craft.
So, you said you wanted to tell
me the truth about your death.
Oh, right. Son, my
death was no accident.
I was k*lled by my brother, Claudius!
What? Everyone said your
death was your own fault.
That you ate pool
chemicals to not get COVID.
Well, yes, I do listen
to Sir Joe of Rogan.
But that's not how I
died. Claudius k*lled me
and I need you to avenge me!
- You got it, Dad!
- Great.
Also, there's a naked etching
of Beowulf under my mattress
that I need you to throw
away. Do that part first.
Oh, and I lost some money
betting on ice fishing,
so when a guy named Ivar shows up,
you gotta give him a hundred gold coins.
A hundred? I don't even have that many.
Well, you better by the time Ivar comes.
He's 5'7", which is
enormous for our time.
Also, before I died, I told your
mother I'd clean the castle eaves...
Oh, for God's sake! This
is, like, so many things!
No, it's not, I promise. Just
focus on the important stuff, okay?
So again, it's etching of Beowulf.
That's the biggie. Gotta get rid of it.
Then pay Ivar, clean the eaves,
and time permitting, revenge.
Greetings, fair Hamlet!
It is I, the king's
counsellor, Polonius!
Are you okay? You look
like you're going mad.
Yeah, I just got some disturbing news.
Also, I took a lot of fentanyl,
but I'm pretty sure
it's the "news" part.
Ah. Well, listen, there's supposed
to be heavy rains tomorrow,
and I heard you're now
the castle eaves guy...
Why is everyone asking me to do stuff?
Aah!
You d*ck. This is why
we need sword control.
I don't know. I think
the play is pretty clear
that my problem is mental health.
Now I'm supposed to give the
"to be or not to be" speech,
but I couldn't remember it,
so this is the Kurt
Russell speech from Miracle.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Great moments are born
from great opportunity.
And that's what you have tonight, boys.
That's what you've earned here tonight.
One game.
If we played 'em 12
times, they might win 11.
But not this game. Not this 12th night.
Tonight, we skate with them.
Tonight, we stay with them.
And we shut them down because we can!
Tonight, we few, we happy few,
we, band of stinky
American college students,
are the greatest hockey
team in the world!
I'm sick and tired of hearing about what
a great hockey team the Soviets have.
Screw em! This is your time!
Now go out there and take it.
[CHEERING] U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
All right, Laertes, I hear
Hamlet is plotting to k*ll me
and also doing lazy movie
references. So I need your help...
Wait, that's your costume?
They ran out of Shakespeare stuff
and I didn't know what to do!
Sorry, it's been a frustrating day.
I just found out Sir Mix-a-Lot
made a surprise appearance.
Who out there likes big butts...
Hey, where's Quagmire?
Sorry, Cleveland. I'm kinda
the leader of that fan club.
Have either of you seen my phone?
I think I lost it when
I smushed Lois' kid.
Okay, it's obvious things
are going off the rails,
so we're gonna skip ahead to the end.
Claudius decides to k*ll Hamlet,
there's a lot of scheming, a
girl throws herself in the lake.
Oh... Oh, and I find a very
disturbing picture of Beowulf
and three other guys under
my husband's mattress.
[CHRIS] You said it was just Beowulf!
[PETER] It doesn't matter,
I said to get rid of it!
- En garde!
- [GRUNTING]
What the hell?
- You said you took stage combat.
- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
Yeah, on Zoom! [GRUNTS]
[GROANS SOFTLY]
Well, that was easy.
Say your prayers, Hamlet.
I'm gonna k*ll you, and then
I'm going to the ice rink
to watch that great Soviet hockey team.
I am sick and tired
of hearing about what
a great hockey team the Soviets have!
[GRUNTS]
Audience, do you believe in miracles?
[WINCES]
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
Great job, son. Now, let's
drag him behind the castle
and violate his corpse. Hamlet.
Let's give it up for the Quahog Players!
[CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
[CHEERING]
We did it, Peter! We
saved the playhouse!
We sure did, Lois.
But the truth is, it wasn't
our plays that saved this place.
It was Quahog legalizing Lauren Boebert
over-the-pants handiwork in theaters.
What was once a boring night
out became a celebration
as men decorated the
inside of their pants
and then fell asleep,
while women got left alone
to watch whatever the hell was
on stage that they wanted to see.
Everyone was happy.
Ay... there truly is the rub.
[♪ CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING]