01x04 - Day 82

[bunniefuu]

[discordant piano notes]

♪

Charges have not yet

been brought against the officers

who k*lled George Floyd.

[protestors clamoring]

The president tweeted today,

"When the looting starts,

the sh**ting starts."

[g*nf*re]

[phone rings]

Hi, Mark. Yes.

Oh, yeah.

No. I saw the video.

No, it wasn't good.

Well, thank you, I

Right, on to business.

Yes, the decree needs

to be submitted tomorrow

to the FTC and the DOJ.

No, that's fine, I can do it.

[keyboard clacking]

- [light piano music]

-

- ♪

-

- [phone rings]

- We're gonna file it tomorrow.

Exactly. Right.

Oh.

Yes, it has been a crazy week.

Yes, I have seen "Do the Right Thing."

There are some parallels, yes.

Yes, I can get that

to you tonight as well.

No, I have the time.

Oh, you've been watching

"The Help" on repeat? Great!

I can send you a short

PowerPoint presentation

on racial inequality, no problem.

Yeah, it was sad what happened

to Ricky in "Boyz n the Hood."

Colin Kaepernick. Yeah, he is a hero.

Michelle Obama's tall, yeah.

Hi, Marie. Yeah, can

you hold my work calls?

There is no way I'm

gonna get this decree

finished by tonight if

I keep having to stop.

I don't want to lose my

bonus 'cause I have to hold

everyone else's hand through this.

Okay, thank you so

much. You're the best!

What?

Yes, Viola Davis is great in "The Help."

[falling whistle]

- Damn!

- Damn!

- [expl*si*n, g*nf*re]

- BOTH: Damn.

[phone ringing]

- They go so fast!

- [chuckles]

You're rusty, man.

You haven't gamed in a minute.

Pretty sure I've seen dust

fly off your controller.

You remember what X does?

Very funny.

I needed some gaming today.

It's like a weird

sort of stress release.

- [phone ringing]

- Man, you gotta put your phone

- on "Do Not Disturb."

- What's that?

The calls come through,

but it doesn't bother you.

Apple's best invention.

- [phone rings]

- Right after the Shuffle.

That thing was underrated.

Oh, this one's Michelle.

I guess I better take it.

- [phone chimes]

- Go for Garret.

Uh, hey, Garret, where

are the mushrooms?

I have no idea. Why did you call?

'Cause I am on a deadline

and I gotta save my steps.

Where are the mushrooms, babe?

I don't know, uh

maybe check the cabinets?

Try the cabinets for the mushrooms?

- Yeah.

- All right.

Uh, can you maybe find the mushrooms

and wash them for me?

That would be a huge help

in prepping for Pradeep's.

- Yeah, sure.

- God, I cannot wait

for this dinner tonight.

Oh, Ben! You shot me!

You were standing right

in front of me, man!

Are you on two video calls at once?

Okay.

Love you.

[g*nf*re]

And they say men can't multitask.

- [phone rings]

- Um

all right, I got

another call. I gotta go.

Hi! I'm sorry to bother you.

- I'm sure you're crazy busy.

- It's all good.

I just have a lot of work stuff.

- Why'd you call?

- Okay.

Well, you know my cousin who's 40

and still trying to play pro football?

The one who sells used bouncy castles?

Surprise!

He made a r*cist Facebook post again.

You gotta get off Facebook, Annie.

Facebook is for cute kitten videos

and to see which one of

your high school friends

joined a yoga pant pyramid scheme.

Can I just get your opinion

on a comment I want to leave?

You always know what to say.

Just blink if you hate it.

I can do that.

Okay, this is the first draft.

"Daniel, you're a sexist, r*cist pig,

- but it's not your fault."

- Oh, no.

"The problem is systemic.

"You grew up shrouded in

stupidity and ignorance.

"Saying 'all lives matter' is stupid.

"All lives can't matter

until Black lives matter.

Can you even spell 'r*cist, ' r*cist?"

- Annie!

- I'm almost done.

"But I love you and our family,

so I'm calling you in online

in front of all your

lame-a*s CrossFit friends."

That's it.

Are you trying to embarrass your cousin

- or teach him?

- Both.

Maybe embarrass a

little more than teach.

Annie, your cousin's

not gonna listen to you

if you try to make him

feel stupid and embarrassed!

Well, maybe he should stop

being stupid and embarrassing!

He wore a Big Dog t-shirt

to my aunt's vow renewal.

- [phone rings]

- Hey.

Hey.

I'm so glad you could

grace me by answering.

What an honor, Prince Benjamin.

All these white people keep

calling me unannounced today.

I had to go 007.

Uh, you're a little more Austin Powers

- than James Bond, homey.

- That's cool.

Austin Powers got Beyoncé.

Well, I saw your girl on

Instagram Live recently

doing what she seemed to

think was the Electric Slide

to a pop punk cover of "Superstition."

Okay, but the cover's by Fall Out Boy,

and Pete Wentz is Black.

Did you film that for her?

We fall down ♪

Wow! [laughing]

But we get up ♪

Listen, she's a mess!

She started setting out protest outfits

like she's headed to sexy

anti-racism Coachella.

White people are wild. Wild!

Wild. And what's even more wild

are these reparations I've been Venmo'd.

- What? Like money?

- Dinero.

Who are these white friends?

I got sent $15 from that guy

I used to work with at PetSmart

with that fake Australian accent.

- Oh, yeah. Michael with no M?

- Yeah, Ichael.

And then this one white girl

sent me $5 for an oat latte,

which is disrespectful.

Oat lattes are at least 7.

I just feel like I should give it back?

Oh, no, it's not worth

the back and forth

for 20 bucks. You take that money.

Garret, where's my cover fire?

Sorry! I got distracted by the sea.

It looks better than real water!

Are you still playing

video games with my husband?

Maybe you should live together.

Mm, that's not a bad idea,

but where would you go?

Look, can you please ask my husband

if he washed the mushrooms

for Pradeep's distance dinner tonight?

Michelle wants to know

if you did the mushrooms.

What? I don't like mushrooms.

He say he don't like mushrooms.

- They're not for him.

- They're not for you, G.

- What did he say?

- Listen.

Don't y'all live in the same house,

sleep in the same bed,

drink from the same

expired Brita filter?

[yelling] Why don't y'all talk

to y'all selves?

[speaking] I'm on a fixed minute plan.

♪

[keyboard clacking]

[relaxing music]

[phone rings]

[phone boops]

[phone rings]

[phone booping]

[phone rings]

No, Rufus, you cannot

citizen's arrest people

for not wearing masks.

Did you know that sl*ves

built the White House?

No, that's what you're calling me about?

I'm dealing with two

separate deadlines right now!

What if we could pay the descendants?

- Are you talking about reparations?

- I'm talking about reparations!

You're familiar with cryptocurrency.

You mean Silicon Valley Disney dollars?

Give every Black family in

the United States Bitcoin.

All they would need is

an external hard drive

and a smartphone. Preferably Android.

- This is

- I know!

I can't believe I didn't

think of it sooner!

Reparations isn't some

new idea you cooked up!

- It's been around.

- Look.

40 acres and a mule could

be 4.5 million bitcoin

and electric Heelys.

Assuming that Black

people need the guidance

of a white man who

only just a few days ago

started caring about these issues

is a little r*cist.

What?

No, I [stammers]

I did research! I'm

I'm not I'm not a r*cist. Michelle

I'm not calling you r*cist.

I'm saying this notion

that you are somehow better-equipped

Look.

You can't just pop in and solve problems

you just recently

started learning about.

That is literally colonizer behavior.

[sighs]

[computer chimes]

[phone ringing]

Ansel, you didn't do a single thing

I asked you to do!

No.

No, I n

don't have time for you to

do it wrong a second time.

I will just do it myself.

♪

[exhales]

[somber piano chords]

Rufus called. He's

worried he upset you.

Oh, he didn't upset me. I'm fine.

Take a break.

Let's take a break! Smoke a clove.

I wish I could digress

to my college freshman

self, smoke a clove,

and nap till "Judge Judy,"

but I got work to do.

I have the answer.

"Animal Crossing."

Ellis, you know I can't play video games

since I burnt that clown

to death in "The Sims."

This is different! You sell goods,

hunt, fish, build, work, garden,

pay off your house. It's great!

Yes, because what I

need is another mortgage.

But you pay it to a raccoon!

I'm lending you my Switch.

I'll drop it off on your doorstep later.

- You don't have to do that.

- Quick question.

Have you masturbated today?

[laughing] I have to go!

I'm serious! It's important.

- Also, let me send you a cake.

- No!

Fine! Let me send you three cakes.

- I'm hanging up!

- I'm sending the cake.

Promise me you'll

masturbate after this call.

[g*nf*re]

Damn.

These micro-reparations are weird,

but I guess they can be used for good.

I can't believe that

people just gave you money.

Thanks for having food

delivered here, by the way.

Oh, of course. The

cake was all Ellis.

I wouldn't have asked for a cake, but

[laughs] a cake is what I wanted.

I could eat this meal

for the rest of my life.

[laughs] I wasn't gonna say anything,

but vanilla and pickles,

that's a bold-a*s combo.

Says the man who drinks

mezcal with Tums chasers.

They cancel each other out!

That's just science, bruh.

You talk to my sister today?

Not really.

You might want to check on her.

I will.

- Oh!

- Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Oh!

- Coming around the back!

- Hey!

- Coming around the ba

- And boom!

- Yes!

- We did it!

- Yes!

- [phone boops]

- Oh, God.

Please, don't be from work.

African-American CNN reporter

Omar Jimenez was arrested

live on television.

Breonna Taylor did not receive

medical attention until 20 minutes

after she'd been shot

five times by officers.

Look at the way they treated Kap!

- [phone ringing]

- They don't want change.

[chanting] No justice! No peace!

[phone continues ringing]

[sighs]

Oh! Wine! [laughs]

Hey, you excited for

our socially distanced

- double date dinner?

- Excited?

It has been the highlight of my week.

I am living for this dinner.

Ooh. Is Chef Garret

caramelizing some

shallots while we chat?

I am the caramelizer today.

He is busy.

But I've seen him do it a million times.

What are they making in the "Bon Eateri"

test kitchen today?

Right. Um

we can't watch that anymore.

Why? Did they go on hiatus?

No, they had some bad practices.

What do you mean? Like mold or rats?

Ooh, tax evasion?

No! They had race ism.

No!

What? Another one? Come on!

They didn't hire any Black people.

But "Sex and the City" didn't

have any Black people on it,

and we're on rewatch,

what, like, number eight?

Yeah, but this is fresh off the press

and not, like, "Oops! It was the '90s!"

- [phone chimes]

- [laughs]

Oh, I take it work is nuts today, huh?

Yeah, I have to finish

this decree by end of day,

but this is actually a

comment for Annie to post

on her r*cist cousin's Facebook page.

Damn it, Annie, what? 36 gigabytes?

Why'd you send this to my work computer?

I do not need a PDF of

your cousin's Facebook page!

[phone chimes]

Damn it, another revision? Why?

- [negative boop]

- Do not die.

- [computer beeping]

- Do not die.

No! Do not crash!

- [overlapping notifications]

- Do not save! Save!

[computer beeps]

It crashed.

Now press Shift, Control, X,

and everything should be back in place.

Yes! Oh, it's back!

Oh, my Go oh, wait, let me check.

Oh I lost three pages.

Okay, I guess I'm redoing three pages.

Rufus, thank you. I

will talk to you soon.

Wait, Michelle, uh, I just

wanted to apologize for earlier

when I was r*cist. I'm sorry.

- For racism.

- Rufus, it's okay.

I know your heart's in the right place.

You just gotta do the work now.

Totally! Yeah, actually,

I found a list of books to

read on being anti-r*cist

in my bathtub brew subreddit

Is "White Fragility" on that list?

- First on the list.

- Delete that list.

I will send you a new list.

Thank you so much.

I am so sorry, again,

and thank you, again, and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for apologizing so much

- I'm hanging up now!

- Ah! Thank you.

[jaunty piano chords]

I dropped the Switch on your porch.

- "Animal Crossing" is waiting!

- Well, it's gonna have to.

You need to call your boss

and tell him to eff off

and give you a week's paid vacation.

Oh, my God, I wish.

Didn't he fly to his

private island to escape?

Anyone who needs the self-governance

of their own island needs

to be put on a watchlist.

Oh, it's not one of the good islands.

It's in Canada.

Why are you cooking a

mushroom feast alone?

Garret is dealing with stuff.

Aren't you dealing with stuff?

I can handle it. I always handle it.

[computer chimes]

Oh, okay, I gotta go.

I gotta rewrite these

pages and finish this dish

so I can get wine drunk

in Pradeep's yard tonight

and forget about everything else

for a couple of hours.

Well, let me know when you

log in to "Animal Crossing."

I left you a little gift.

In the game!

[dramatic piano chords]

Remember my boy Jaguar

from my pottery class?

That white hippie dude with the goatee?

The crusty guy that ate

cottage cheese with his hands?

Yeah. He, uh sent me a TV.

He sent you a TV?

Yeah, but not just, like, any TV.

A 70-inch smart TV

with a Wi-Fi hotspot.

- You have to give that back.

- Do I, though?

I mean, you're the one who told me

to keep the money earlier today.

- Send it back.

- How?

Now I gotta do more work than he did

just to click and buy it?

That don't even make any sense.

He's gonna think that he's now absolved

of all of his racism, and he's not.

If I have to go out every day,

afraid that people might k*ll me

- I'm keeping that TV.

- [computer chimes]

Oh, they redlined my entire document?

I have to revise it

in, like, 30 minutes!

And okay, I have to

finish the post for Annie

and send the list to Rufus and

get the Switch off the porch

and finish the mushrooms

and change for Pradeep's.

How are you swinging all that?

[pan sizzling]

Oh, no, no!

How do I burn shallots I was staring at?

[exhales]

Garret! Garret!

Garret, can you please take

my mushrooms out of the oven?

- [computer chimes]

- Mm!

Mm! Mm! Mm!

[sighs]

Hi! What's up?

I've been thinking a lot

about our talk earlier

about your cousin's Facebook post.

Oh, it's fine. I shouldn't have even

- don't worry about it.

- Check your email.

I wrote your response.

[phone beeps]

Michelle, this is perfect!

Oh, my God, I'm so smart.

Oh, could I add to this a little?

I just wanna toss in a

couple four-letter words.

- Annie!

- What?

- I meant "ugly" and "mean."

- No!

No additions, no

substitutions, no subtractions.

If you change anything,

I will charge you

- my full hourly rate.

- I will not add a thing.

I love not adding things.

This is perfect, and I

will not change perfection.

Thank you.

[explosions, g*nf*re]

No, no, hey!

Don't leave me out

here in the rain, man!

- I think I'm done.

- What?

We got this loudmouth nine-year-old

from New Mexico on the ropes!

All we gotta do is take

the rusty hand grenade

and throw it down the

abandoned coal mineshaft.

We're never gonna beat him.

He was audibly sucking on a juice box

while calling us nerds.

He does this all day, every day.

We can't win.

And I've thrown all the hand grenades

that I can throw.

All right.

Can I ask you something?

Should I keep that TV?

When you walk past that thing

is it going to make you feel better

or worse?

I don't know.

I'll talk to you later.

[somber piano chords]

Hi, lovey. Where are you?

- Walking.

- Walking?

Well, can you walk back now?

We gotta head to Pradeep's

in, like, 15 minutes.

The stuffed mushrooms

I made are so good,

there's not gonna be

mushroom for dessert.

- Hello! How are you?

- Hi. Yeah, Hi.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

All of these random-a*s white people

keep waving and smiling at me.

Should we move?

Are we in a "Get Out" situation?

No one is moving! [exhales]

Let's just shake off the

day and have fun tonight

drinking wine with our friends

in the deep, deep, deep, background.

Baby, can you start heading home?

We're gonna be late.

Huh? Oh, yeah. No.

I'm not going to that.

[dramatic piano chords]

[somber piano melody]

All right.

We don't have to go to

Pradeep's and Richie's,

but can you at least please head home?

Sure.

[phone ringing]

I gotta go.

Hey, sweet girl!

I see I still have a daughter.

Hi, Mama.

Do you wanna pull back a bit

so I can see both of your eyes?

- Ah!

- [both chuckle]

How are you?

Do you want 33 stuffed mushrooms

with a semisweet white wine drizzle?

No, baby.

How is Ms. Food Network doing?

I'm okay.

Uh, Ben seems a bit off, though.

You might want to call him.

I called you.

How are you doing?

You can't hide anything from me.

Um

[voice breaking] You know, today

was pretty damn hard.

Everyone needed me. I

I had to turn in a document for my job,

I had to revise it twice,

take calls with all my friends,

I had to help all my work colleagues.

I had to explain reparations!

I know they all mean well, but um

I just can't help everyone

all the time, you know?

And, uh, Garret's going through it too,

um, but he's shutting me out,

and I get it, um, but it's hard.

It's hard doing everything for everyone

literally all by myself.

And the videos online

and the articles and the tweets

It's just bad news after

bad news after bad news.

And, um

It's just, um, really

hard to be Black right now.

You need to take care of yourself.

You're so important.

Remember your puppy dog

friends from growing up.

What? What are my puppy dog friends?

All of your little friends

that you had that needed help,

and you were always there

to help them no matter what.

You could have a test or a recital,

but if one of your

little puppy dog friends

went to whining, off you'd run!

Shelly!

You can't save everybody.

Taking care of yourself

is just as important,

maybe even more important,

than being there for other people.

You are so incredible. So worthy.

You deserve joy.

But as a Black woman,

the world expects you

to be parent, teacher, preacher,

fearless, fearful, strong, resilient,

gorgeous, humble, smart, simple, kind,

all at once!

But this is the thing.

Black women are not superhuman.

Black women cannot save everybody.

And you don't have to be a strong woman.

You just have to be a woman.

You can even be a weak woman!

You can be crying, flopping around,

saying no to everything.

But that does not make you

any less of who you are.

Oh, I could remember when I was

out there in the world, honey.

I was spreading myself so thin,

you could see right through me.

I had to stop and say to myself,

"Dayleen, what are you doing?

"You can't fill somebody else's cup

if yours is already empty!"

- Do you hear me?

- I hear you, Mama.

I love you, baby.

Thanks, Mama.

[sniffs] Oh, I needed this.

I really needed this.

Now, you tell that brother of yours

to pick up his phone.

I can see him over

there reading my texts

and not responding.

[laughs] He ain't slick!

[laughs]

[hopeful piano chords]

Hey, love. I'm almost home.

Garret

I love you, but

today was tough, and

I really needed you.

This is a hard week.

It's hard for me too, but

we can't do this alone.

I know.

I feel like that's all I know, but

I know. I'm sorry. I'll do better.

Well, you can start by calling Pradeep

and telling him we're not coming.

And while you do that, I am gonna look

for the bottom of this bottle of red.

[chuckles]

Hey, did you know that

you can put your phone

on "Do Not Disturb" so

you can't get any calls?

What? [stammers]

Go can I rewind this whole day?

I know! I mean, like [laughs]

how did we not know this?

It's a total game-changer.

Speaking of games, I have a Switch now,

so I'm kind of a gamer.

You have a Switch?

Pfft [laughs]

You can't game! You're not a gamer!

Oh, uh, by the way,

I think I see you're getting a delivery.

I am? Oh, God!

Please tell me it's not from work!

It's not from work.

I'm not here.

Um I know that you need your space.

I just want to make sure

that you have everything that you need.

No, no, no.

Come help me finish this bottle.

Okay.

Twist my arm.

- [laughing]

- Boop!

Boop!

[uplifting music]