01x06 - Day 135

[bunniefuu]

[discordant piano notes]

♪

[light piano music]

Okay, before she gets on,

what do we think about Annie

moving back to Orlando

to live with her parents?

I know. It's crazy, I don't like it.

Superior orange juice.

Wait, Annie's moving back home?

Yeah, she told the

Gossip Girls last night.

Honorary member.

- Also founding member.

- And then Michelle told me

right after Annie told you guys.

- Couples confidentiality clause.

- Rufus, how'd you know?

How did I know?

How d how didn't I know.

[scoffs]

- Orlando? Like, Florida?

- No, Orlando like Bloom, Ben.

Gosh, first the NBA, now Annie.

Oh, my God. Do I want

to move to Florida?

Why, so you can see

your Clippers lose to the Lakers again?

Dang, Garret, Kawhi

you gotta be so rude?

They're just acclimating

to life in the bubble.

They haven't seen their

families for months.

Oh, can I be a basketball person?

But Annie can't go.

I mean, she's our family.

Well, technically,

she's her family's family.

Maybe she misses them.

She's just going stir crazy.

What Annie needs is

some local, COVID-approved,

quarantine bae

- for some quarantine "Hey."

- Ooh!

You speak as if from experience.

Well, I can neither confirm nor deny

that I may or may not

be getting some regularly

scheduled maintenance.

What? Good for you.

Well, you know maybe Annie

is one of those people

That has trouble

divorcing sex and feelings,

Which I've heard is a thing.

I'll tell you what Annie

won't have trouble with

[Southern accent] Aah!

All them gentlemen callers

- in them central Florida suburbs.

- [Southern Accent] Mm-hmm,

just fields of former high school flames

Turned husband material

with real estate licenses

just awaiting Miss Annie's return.

You do know that Florida

isn't the Deep South, right?

Well, where is it then? The Lower East?

Hey, y'all. Sorry I'm late.

I was talking to this guy

who might sublet my apartment.

- So this move is for real?

- Yeah.

You think my downstairs

neighbors will mind

He's an online Muay Thai instructor?

Why, because of the noise,

or because of a potentially

asymptomatic virus carrier

penetrating their bubble of safety?

This whole thing is madness.

No, you know what's madness?

I haven't left my

apartment in five months.

My parents' house has a pool,

my mom makes the best ropa vieja,

and the humidity sucks,

but it's great for my skin.

[laughs] Yeah, 'cause your

skin is hideous here.

I'm paying a ton of money

in LA rent and for what?

I can't see the city or my friends,

And it's not like I have a boyfriend

- to you know, you know

- Have sex with?

Use to drive in the HOV lane?

Oh, tap dance with at

the Griffith Park Observatory?

We'll still be able to chat

on video like we do now.

Question: does your mom

make the ropa vieja

- with her own sofrito?

- Absolutely.

Follow-up question:

can I move in with your parents too?

No. No one is moving.

Life, relationships,

friendships are tenuous.

We must stay close. We must.

- Was that a haiku?

- I think so. We'll be right back.

Uh, where did everyone go?

This is my Scheme Team breakout room.

Ugh, no. No, Rufus, no more schemes.

I almost lost a kidney last time.

Every Thelma needs a Louise.

Do you know how that movie ends? No.

Why do you always pick

me for these things?

Because you're easily swayed,

and this is a scheme to

keep Annie in Los Angeles.

All right, I guess I'll hear you out.

One person moves away,

and the entire friend

group chemistry is disrupted

Like an atom losing an electron.

Next thing you know,

it's just you, your tears,

and the artisanal IPA

you brew in your bathtub.

I didn't know we meant that much to you,

Or that that was how you

were making that beer!

When we were working retail together,

and you, Annie, and Ellis

accidentally invited me

to dinner at Michelle and Garret's,

It gave me that warm,

fuzzy feeling you get

when you see Colin Firth

in a romantic comedy.

I do not get the appeal of that dude.

If Annie leaves,

I know where this goes:

back to loneliness.

Where I thrive, but still.

All right.

- What's the plan?

- Simple.

We keep the electron from gravitating

towards a higher affinity atom.

We stop Annie from leaving,

- starting with a little blackmail.

- Wait, we're blackmailing her?

- I'll explain everything in the group.

- Why can't you tell me right here?

Where did you guys go?

- Hand sanitizer.

- Uh, yeah

We're launching a

whole new product line.

Guys, it's August.

No one cares about

hand sanitizer anymore.

We've all just given up.

[clears throat]

Annie Diaz,

would you describe your

relationship with your mother,

Marta Alejandra Diaz,

as being congruent,

politically speaking?

- Why do you know my mom's full name?

- Great question.

May I present to you my deposition.

Exhibit A: a post from Annie's

social media reading,

"Defund the Police."

Yeah, that's not how depositions work

Exactly. Exhibit B.

An email from Marta

reading, "Refund the Police."

What? My mom said that?

A house in suburban Florida divided.

The defense rests.

That's still not a deposition, bro.

You know, my dad sends

me daily email forwards

About how Bill Gates is trying

to k*ll us with a vaccine.

What Bill Gates ever do to anyone?

Windows 95, Clippy,

Minesweeper

Wait, why is my mom

sending you emails?

Parents love me.

I've been told it's

my childlike sense of wonder.

Annie, if you're gonna have

drama with your parents,

You know, I mean, maybe

you shouldn't move back home.

Oh, it's fine. I just need to school

my mom on the state of our country.

Thankfully, I do my homework.

Your social media

activism has been on point.

You didn't even fall

for the black square.

I don't know, Annie.

The brain loses elasticity as we age

Making it very hard to change.

Our parents minds

are like a pair of suede pants.

Hey, that's not always true.

My mom and I had a huge falling out

when I decided to have my

gender confirmation surgery,

and it took a lot of time,

and energy, but now Janice

and I are stronger than ever.

We owe it to our parents

to give them the chance

- to grow as people.

- Exactly.

My mom's a good person.

She just doesn't have

all the right info.

Luckily, I've got k*ller

rhetoric-al skills.

- You mean "rhetorical"?

- No, not like a rhetorical question.

Rhetoric-al, as in rhetoric

but the adjective of it.

Yeah, this is maybe not gonna

go as smooth as you think.

♪

[light piano music]

- Annie.

- Annabelle!

- Dimelo.

- Why are you in different rooms?

Because your mom doesn't understand

the perfect AC temperature

is 67 degrees.

For the walk-in refrigerator at Costco.

- Okay, Mo

- Oh, and speaking of Costco

She emptied out the store for you.

What about you, Señor Samples?

- They're free.

- Ay, Annie, I got you

those carbonated waters

that you like that smell like ChapStick.

Also this hair towel

because you never dry

your hair after the shower,

and it's bad for your sinuses.

- Mom, I'm not a kid anymore!

- You are my youngest.

You will always be my baby.

Actually, I wanted to

talk to you about

Ooh, I almost forgot the travel suit!

I saw it on QVC.

Let me send it to you.

Mom, that looks insane.

It's already on the way.

No, you have to talk to

me about these things!

You can't just assume that I'm gonna

Ooh, you're gonna be here in time

For Mileidys's baby shower! Oy.

You know, she had a very hard time

Getting pregnant, pobresita.

She tried everything.

She even wore the evil eye

on her wrists and her ankles.

Nothing. They had to mortgage the house

In order to pay for

the fertility treatment.

Dios mío, qué cosa!

♪

That "Refund the Police"

email was clutch!

Both: Scheme Team!

All right, now for phase two.

I'm hacking into Annie's newsfeeds

and flooding them with targeted ads

To remind her of how much Florida sucks.

Check it out.

Alligator insurance,

local congressmen,

- and this gross dating website I found.

- Wow.

Hey, are we doing the right thing?

Last thing I wanna do is hurt Annie.

Ben, a Scheme

requires full transparency.

Is there something else

going on between you two?

With me and Annie? No,

no, we're just friends.

I mean, there was this one

intense moment in Chicago

where I thought there

may have been a vibe,

But she told me a story

about how she could never date a friend,

which definitely k*lled the vibe.

Mmm, vibes are a fragile wavelength.

Like friend groups,

they need to be lovingly maintained.

Now, can we please

manipulate our good pal

- into staying in LA with us?

- Let's do it.

♪

Pero how do you know the

police have too much money?

I think the police

don't have enough money.

Mom, they're like

the Kardashian-Jenners.

They have so much they're

being irresponsible with it.

Stormi did not need her own

theme park for her birthday.

- That was too much for Stormi.

- No. That is true.

50% of most city

budgets go to the police.

That's way too much.

How do you know it's too much?

Are you city planner, hmm?

You could've been a city planner.

You used to do that afterschool program.

What was it called?

- Youth in Congress.

- Yes.

You learned so much from that.

Too bad you ruined your

life by becoming a writer.

Mom, it's okay for

people in my generation

to pursue their passions.

Passions do not pay the bills, mija.

I'm in construction, and

I have a passion for it.

- Ramón, please!

- Agh.

Look, this issue is

bigger than police funding.

It's a systemic racial issue.

Did you know 35% of African American men

are incarcerated while only 50% aren't?

What about the other 15%?

- What?

- 35 plus 50 is 85.

No, Ramón?

Oh, I can talk now?

Entonces? Where's the other 15%?

Um

Well, I know it's a real thing.

I shared an article on, um

Hold on, let me just Mmm

Maybe they didn't fill out the survey

About if they were

incarcerated maybe?

That's the thing about surveys.

Not everyone fills them out

sometimes, so

Mija, you can't trust

everything you read

on the internet.

Do you get Fox News in LA?

[downbeat piano music]

It was so embarrassing!

My mom ran circles around me

in a political argument! My mom.

Up until about a month ago,

she though RBG was a clothing designer.

So does this mean

you're not moving home?

Well, I wasn't going to,

but then I started seeing

all these ads for Florida,

- and it made me nostalgic.

- Both: Nostalgic?

Yeah, I forgot how cute alligators are.

You hear that, Rufus?

She's feeling nostalgic!

Also my ex-boyfriend from high school

who used to be in a one-man

Kid Rock cover band

So a Kid Rock impersonator,

because that's what that is.

He got his real estate license,

and he's super rich now.

He has the huge house

next to Joey Fatone.

We're just friends, but he said if

things with my parents get weird,

I can stay with him.

Although I prefer not to

because he's always tries to

make me sing the Sheryl Crow part

- of the song "Picture."

- [cell phone dings]

[Southern accent] Well, if

it isn't Mr. Husband Material

Here to sweep you away

to his most certainly

- tacky McMansion.

- [cell phones dinging]

[Southern accent] Oh,

Mr. Former Kid Rock,

- I do accept this rock on my finger.

- Okay, guys.

Florida is not the South.

Oh, well, look at its location on a map.

Ben, Rufus, what's

with the phone pinging?

You guys still talking

about hand sanitizer?

- 100%, yes.

- 100%, big time, big time.

Yeah, what is going on with you two?

Yeah, I know Ben is easily swayed,

but this level of interest

in a Rufus-driven business

is entirely suspect.

- I am not easily swayed!

- [cell phone dings]

- Oh, come on.

- Oh, you totally are.

- Okay, fine.

- Guys, can we focus?

I know defunding the police

is the right thing to do,

I just don't know how to get

my parents to know that.

They do not play fair.

They use Jedi mind tricks.

My mom won an argument with me once

by staring at me without blinking.

I'm still working on a rebuttal.

Well, take it from a three-time

Mountain State regional debate champ,

You gotta get inside

the competition's head.

And what's inside your mom's head

is a deep and unquestioning

love of the cops

because that's exactly what

American TV and film has put there.

I guess if people haven't had

a negative experience personally,

like, say, every black

person in America,

It's hard for them to see the cops

- as anything but the good guys.

- Yeah, meanwhile,

I was in my twenties when

I realized that the "bad boys"

in the theme song from "Cops"

weren't the cops.

They have too much money.

In LA we give them $2 billion a year.

If only we could spend a little

bit of that on public education,

then Richie and I wouldn't

have to take out a loan

to pay 28 grand to pay

for virtual private school,

which is just Big Bird on an iPad!

Wait, 28

You are sending me the 20 bucks

you owe me from poker now.

I said we needed a loan!

Yeah, people don't realize

that "defund the police"

- just means fund other departments.

- Like social workers, you know,

so a man with a g*n

and 16 weeks of training

- doesn't answer mental health calls.

- I wish I could just

bring you guys with me

to talk to my parents.

You can't bring us,

but we can help you prepare.

Ooh.

- Ooh, a project, a project!

- Debate team!

I love a good mise-en-place!

Also you can bring Ben.

- You can?

- Oh, okay.

Thanks, Ben.

Rufus, these schemes

aren't working, bruh.

Look, if Annie wants to move home,

- I think we just gotta let her go.

- You can't! She likes you.

What?

Annie likes you, and I

think you like her too.

I think that's why you agreed

to this scheme In the first place.

You've been Colin Firth the whole time.

No, no, no, she told me in Chicago

she could never date a friend.

You know what's great

about this country?

People are allowed

to change their minds.

They're even allowed to

admit that they were wrong.

Wait

Is that why you wanted

me on your Scheme Team?

Am I your emergency backup plan?

- How do you mean?

- How do I know you're not

lying to get me to help you

save your friend group molecule.

What? I never lie!

You're lying to Annie right now!

Okay, Annie I am lying to.

Yes, but do you really wanna

lose her to a fake Kid Rock

that lives next door

to a real Joey Fatone!?

Okay, what? Now I gotta help

her get along with her parents?

That's what she'll think,

but actually you'll be feeding her

the exact wrong things to say.

It's Scheme Team phase three,

- a Reverse-Cyrano.

- A reverse-what?

Scheme Team!

I just paid the check

on a brand new car ♪

You wanna get to know

me? I'm a brand new star ♪

I came to impress,

that's the way I are ♪

Say it with my chest

until this day comes ♪

I just might invest, think

I'll start with the watches ♪

Who do you protect,

N-A-P with the frost ♪

Not doing any less

than my best, so start ♪

Get upset, take a rest,

you watch ♪

Young way, strong way ♪

Get you in the morning ♪

Broadway, Broadway ♪

Put up an act on Broadway ♪

Do a little dance,

sing a little jam ♪

Pick up the Benz

and brace yourself ♪

Do a little dance,

sing a little jam ♪

Pick up the Benz

and brace yourself ♪

I know you feel it ♪

The animation ♪

I know you can't animate ♪

♪

In front of millions ♪

Your motivation ♪

Just be yourself ♪

Animation ♪

Hey, you ready?

Yeah, I think so. I got my talking

points, my non-talking points,

- My turtle neck, my cotton ba*ls.

- You got this.

"You're gonna eat lightning

and crap thunder."

It's from "Rocky."

Just remember, I'll be hiding

as a non-video participant.

Your parents will not notice that,

but I'll be with you the whole time.

Why are you so great?

That's what friends are for.

Thanks, Ben. It means a lot

having you in my corner.

♪

Okay.

Here goes nothing.

[keys clacking]

[light piano music]

- Hey.

- Hi, mija.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Gimme one second.

[keys clacking,]

- [computer dings]

- [computer beeps]

Okay, I understand

political conversations

can be tricky, so I wanted

to ease into it

and talk about

"Personal finances"?

Ay, now she's finally

ready to hear my YouTube

- on how to balance a checkbook?

- You need some money, mija?

Sorry, actually

let's discuss

[keys clacking]

- [computer dings]

- All the TV remotes?

We have asked your brother so

many times for this one thing.

There's a remote for the TV,

a remote for the speakers,

A remote for the cable box,

a remote for the streaming box

It doesn't make sense! And he refuses!

After everything I did.

Marta, relax.

Te va a dar algo!

You know what?

Let's forget the icebreakers.

Mom, I wanted to talk about

your refund the police email.

Annabelle, please, you wanna

give your mom a heart attack?

We already know she's gonna

be talking about those remotes

- until next week!

- Just hear me out.

I realize I feel passionately

about a lot of issues,

But I also recognize

I take in a lot of my news from TikTok.

All I know is, it seems as if

the system is broken.

Maybe if we had better healthcare,

Mileidys wouldn't have

to mortgage her house

to pay for fertility treatments.

I mean, what if I have fertility issues?

Por Dios, no! My grandkids, no!

Not that I'm planning

to have kids anytime soon,

but, my friend Pradeep

is about to pay $28,000

in private school because

public schools are inadequate.

Remember Youth in Congress,

the program in high school you

thought could change my life?

It's lost its funding.

- Oh, qué lástima.

- No.

The funding for so many things

that could change people's lives

is just disappearing or never

been there in the first place.

It just feels as if we're spending

the wealth of this country

in ways that don't benefit

the people that live in it.

Defunding the police is not

about removing the police,

the police will still be here.

It won't make us any less safe.

It'll just make us more whole.

Mom?

- You're frozen.

- No, I'm thinking.

- We get to keep the police?

- Yes, we just take

some of their money

and spend it in better ways.

All this defund talk is scary

with all these protests.

But maybe

you're right

It does feel like things need to change.

America is always trying

to make itself better.

That's why we came here,

but it takes work.

Annie, I'm proud

you're out there trying.

The younger generation,

we make fun of you and your TikyTok,

but we are inspired by you.

You give us hope.

Thanks, Dad.

I can't wait for you to come home.

Me too. I love you guys.

We love you, baby.

Send me a picture when

you try on the hazmat suit.

Hmm?

[warm piano music]

♪

Where'd you go?

I thought you were gonna

help me pee lightning

And pass hail stones or whatever.

I know. I just felt like

you didn't need me.

You know, maybe you

do better on your own.

Ben, I'm always gonna need you.

Who's gonna make fun of

my horrible impressions?

I mean, they are horrible.

Impressions aren't

even cool to begin with,

So when you do them badly,

it's just very confusing.

Why are you smiling? [laughs]

I don't know. I watching you

with your parents, it was just

It's like seeing you

on a whole other level.

[chuckles] Yeah, I have

no memory of what I said.

Well, it was pretty amazing.

You really moving back home?

I don't know.

You think I should?

- No.

- No?

No. I'd miss you.

- You would?

- Yes. I would.

Look, you gotta make

your own decision,

and I know we're just talking

through screens right now,

but, the thought of you

moving to another screen

in a different time zone,

2,500 miles away,

yeah, you can put me down

for a no on that one.

Okay.

I'll take it under advisement.

Hey, how did you know?

Know I don't know. Know what?

That Orlando was 2,500 miles away?

Aw, yeah, I just I just guessed.

- Why? Is it?

- Yeah, 2,500 miles.

I looked it up.

- Good night, Ben.

- Good night, Annie.

♪